When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

by Lundy Bancroft

Written by a therapist who specializes in abusive men, this guide reveals how abusers interact with and manipulate children—and how mothers can help their children recover from the trauma of witnessing abuse.

Can my partner abuse me and still be a good parent? Should I stay with my partner for my children's sake? How should I talk to my children about the abuse and help them heal? Am I a bad mother?

Mothers in physically or emotionally abusive relationships ask themselves these questions every day. Whether it’s physical or “just” emotional abuse, whether it’s aimed at them or you, whether they see or hear it, your kids need you.

This book, the first ever of its kind, shows mothers how

• Protect children and help them heal emotionally
• Provide love, support, and positive role models, even in the midst of abuse
• Increase their chances of winning custody
• Help their kids feel good about themselves

“A must-read for every mother who has been abused...it offers the knowledge women need to protect their children and help them heal.”—William S. Pollack, Ph.D., author of the national bestseller Real Boys

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Parenting, Abuse, Professional Development, Audiobook

384 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Nicole Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book a few years after finishing Bancroft's other book, "Why Does He Do That?", where he writes about his experience as a Psychologist working with abusive men. I wasn't sure if there'd be enough new material to make it a worthwhile purchase, but then I had an influx of clients who had left abusive relationships and also had children. I could work with them brilliantly to help them understand their ex's abusive behavior and heal from it, but when it came to custody issues, I had no idea how to help them. I started with the resources on Bancroft's website and then immediately ordered this book.

The book has been an invaluable resource to me and to the women I work with, all of us dealing with a broken system. The courts by and large still don't understand that if a man is abusive to his children's mother, he can't possibly be a good father. The book breaks it down clearly and without doubt.

I've got sticky notes galore in the book, so it's almost difficult to choose what to highlight. One thing I really appreciate is just how specific and clear the suggestions are. For example, under "Understanding Your Children's Wounds" he writes, "Help your children not worry about you. Tell them, "Mommy is going to be okay," or "I'll get through this, I can take care of myself," even if some days you don't truly feel so sure". In "Protecting Your Children's Boundaries", he suggests explaining the difference between "good secrets" and "bad secrets".

The chapters on making your way in the family court system were also really wonderful. Again, the suggestions are clear and specific, and they're based on direct, lived experience. He directly addresses the challenges mothers face and combats the myth that women have it easy in the family court system.

Bancroft has spent over 17 years specializing in domestic violence, and the experiences he draws from are absolutely worth the read. Good for clients and practitioners alike. You will absolutely learn something from this book.

[Kris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has good general advice even if you just had a shitty relationship that your children witnessed, but I think it will be most helpful for moms who are trying to navigate custody issues through the court system. It is particularly of note that this recognizes that children witnessing emotional and mental abuse is child abuse and needs to be addressed. This gives tips for how to contribute to your child's recovery and healthy development and how to construct a healing environment for them. Disrespect from a partner, especially when that partner is your children's other parental figure, has a huge impact on how your children perceive you and how you perceive yourself. This offers guidance and solutions for not perpetuating family systems where problems aren't addressed.

[AKMENTINA · Rating 4 out of 5]

Source of extensive insight into what processes take place in the children's mind of an abusive parent.

By 2023 we have had the chance to learn more on the matter, not only regards mental and emotional processes occurring in the mind of such children but also how abuse directly affects child's biological and neurological development, especially, if accompanied by neglect. Therefore, in order to explore the matter, it's a great book to start with and certainly not the one to stop with.

[Caroline Abbott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great book to help the abused by Lundy Bancroft. So helpful for moms who have been abused who have children who were unfortunately stuck in the abuse with her. Now she wants to help them heal, but she is still needing healing herself. Such good practical steps, and a lot of great information I didn't know. I can't recommend this one enough! Thanks Lundy!!

[Ashley Steele · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is beyond valuable to any mother with an angry partner. The term “abusive” may lead some women to shy away from it, but there is invaluable insight in this book about how and why you are being undermined and manipulated by an abusive partner. Lundy Bancroft is my hero. He is a hero to women everywhere, arming us with interesting expertise and knowledge.

[Terrah Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

All social workers should require the parents of children who've had to witness, experience or hear domestic abuse to read this book! Kids blame themselves- this is a hard book to read- but it's important to understand the effects on all children.

[MaryEllen Bream · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely thorough resource for mothers who live with abusers and for those who help them and their children. All types of considerations for how to protect the children, whether to stay or go, and how to interact with the children accordingly.

[Sarah Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the most helpful book I read, it really helped me to change some of the ways I was doing things with my kids and how I was explaining/handling the situation with my ex and them. After reading this, things began to improve. I feel that this was most practical book I read, and it had actual advice to give. Being a victim of abuse, especially verbal abuse, I doubt my own judgment and my own decision making skills not only about myself but about my kids and the decisions I was making for them. The advice here allowed me to regain some of my confidence as a parent.
For additional reviews please see my blog at www.adventuresofabibliophile.blogspot...

[Corin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Any woman going through a divorce should read this, as well as any woman in a relationship that feels abusive, even if she's not sure what is happening to her "meets the definition."

[Kerie Lynn Jelks (nee McAfee) · Rating 3 out of 5]

My children have come a long way from severe trauma at 2 + 4yrs old.

They are ridiculously accomplished, healthy, happy, funny, kind and seem to have lost the scars of seeing what they saw after years of help.

How were these young people raised to be the way they are?
Perhaps the stories told (by a plea bargain convicted to jail and probation domestic abuser and rapist) to manipulate others were not the real ones?

Such a distinction though is reserved for the intelligent, the researchers, those actually in court for prosecution's evidence vs the hallway or during a very planned exclusionary defence. The less connable, the good people vs proud sickening enablers, and especially ones opposed to being named in due time publicly for supporting a convict & perpetrator of GBV and sexual abuse.

Time is still discovering truth
And, everyone's bill comes due. Time assists with that too.

Avenging my daughter's trauma at seeing her mother beaten, bloodied as a kindergartener, will be by way of the truth. She, and her little brother could have lost their mother.

Small beings who didn't deserve their Mom to live in fear, be punched, strangled, raped, threatened, have lawyers removed, be monitored, recorded, home broken into, online and radio campaigns made about us, no monetary for over 4 yrs, sued, appeals court, nil familial support or acknowledgement of their lives/bdays/achievements, make-fun-of them gifts (canadian mint coins vs child support, one laughing-crying emoji pillow for xmas), no heat/power/hydro or lose their dog "Kingston" to a shelter for DV survivors . Kingston was our lost dog's name chosen for"Paws4Rob" and is 2+ hrs away. Or lol "Rocks4Socks"- my fav band is blue rodeo, chosen for a reason - they refused as per their rep. Made by a freak - after his jail term and probation officers. Must be a good guy right.

I told my abuser off when I saw the campaign, stood up to him again, so he cried harassment, his whole plan. Then he sent a laughing emoji pillow mocking me. My charge was dropped. HE went to prison. I hired J Neuberger, who notes the case online (KJ 17). All another way to traumatize the person he beat and raped, threatening me & the kids with a criminal organization on tape.

Name changes now theirs; such a horrific surname to bear, a moniker based on deceit, manipulation, sadistic acts and lying.

It always comes out, in time. Deceit is just a delay.

Nevermind it's also mentioned in family court documents, all of which are publicly accessible. Imagine finding out a guy lied for over ten years and that he's actually an ex con.

Subtitled rape and threats tapes might help the morally impaired. There's a lot of people who willingly helped a severely abusive convicted batterer/rapist harm women, kids and need to be named.

Think a certain "Katie" from Cisco Systems "may" have insulted my mothering? Well the gullible 'devil's assistant' was wrong. Such a large forehead yet no empathy or critical thinking. More likely the lack of intelligence, lack of compassion for victims of abuse/women/children, willingness to sleep with/assist men who violate human rights and the sickening lack of humanity is 70% hereditary, 30% learned evil.

[Jaden Angelo · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book, "When Dad Hurts Mom by Lundy Bancroft" explains how children are deeply affected when they see their mother being abused. It shares real family stories, like Grace and Matthew, where the child Gabriel became fearful and clingy because of the constant fighting. Another example is Breanna and Adam, where her kids felt upset and angry seeing their mom treated badly by a new partner. These examples show that children suffer emotionally even when the abuse is not directed at them.

For me, this book was touching because it made me realize how much children notice and feel in these situations. It shows that kids carry fear, sadness, and anger that can stay with them as they grow up. I think the book is important because it reminds people to protect children, not just the parent being abused. It also taught me that adults must create safe and supportive spaces so children can heal from what they have seen.

[Melissa Agawa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was handed to me at a time when I needed more than just information — I needed clarity, language, and a sense that I wasn’t alone. The advocates who gave it to me understood that healing isn’t just about leaving — it’s about rebuilding, especially for the children who witness more than we sometimes know.

Bancroft writes with compassion but doesn’t sugarcoat. He offers tools, validation, and a steady voice in the chaos. It helped me understand patterns I couldn’t name, and more importantly, how to break them for the sake of something better. It’s not an easy read, but it’s a necessary one — and it was part of the beginning of something safer, stronger, and deeply important.

Forever grateful to the Women's Resource Center of Northern Michigan

[Suzanne Lorraine Kunz Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate how this book tells us about so many of the realities of abused women and how that can affect children. I love how it tells us the support that abused woman might need and the support children who witness the abuse might need. I appreciate the advice this book gives on how to help women who have been abused heal and how to help children who have witnessed abuse heal. This is a highly recommended read for all who want to understand the problem better and to all who are interested being part of the solution.

[Brooke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. For anyone who works with children or even who just knows children who might have experienced DV, read this book. Even if they are not your own children. This book will give you so, so many excellent insights that will help you with interacting with, speaking to, and caring about children who have experienced DV. In reading this book, you can be better informed and more able to be an effective, empathetic presence in that child's life that can make a major difference in helping them heal. I highly recommend this one.

[Aimee Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an incredibly insightful book. Every social worker and therapist should have his insight and
also read, "Why does he do that" by the same author.
Its incredibly validating and an excellent guidebook
for anyone dealing with abuse or helping someone else understand or leave an abusive relationship.
Also explains very well, the smear campaign that happens when you leave.

[Abra · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is was an emotionally exhausting book to read, however incredibly helpful. Bancroft offers honest examples and practical, realistic suggestions. He also is, perhaps most notably, careful to encourage the reader, who is presumably a mom who has been abused and looking to help her children. His care and sensitivity was greatly appreciated as I tackled this heartwrenching subject.

[Lynnette Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read. Lundby Bancroft is as insightful as ever. I recognized abusive behavior patterns in several close family members. This book has helpful advice about helping kids heal from abuse. The one thing I disagree about is getting child protective services involved, especially here in california. But the sections about kids and helping them through this tough time are really great.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good and helpful and intelligent. It doesn’t recommend a lot of hard things to do for your kids but reiterates a “little bit consistently” and it’s so freeing. Recommend for anyone who may know someone in or getting out of what may be an abusive relationship.

[Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

an invaluable resource for anyone who knows someone affected by a toxic or abusive home situation. picked this book up for information to support a friend struggling in such a situation, and it provided an excellent list of resources and advice with which to help.

[Eric Bernier · Rating 3 out of 5]

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[Lynette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Answers so many questions a mom has rolling around in their head. Lots of info. Will definitely have to read a few times

[Mandy Ellison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, really, really powerful work.

[circle · Rating 5 out of 5]

audiobook!

[Anjle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very accessible, easily understandable, and well-organized book.
I would recommend it to parents and children who were direct victims of or witness to abuse.

I read this as an adult survivor of child abuse, and it gave me insight into why my mother made the decisions she did.
I've since given it to her to read, and so far, it has opened up a lot of discussion and helped me heal my relationship with my mother somewhat (I am much less resentful and angry than I was a few years ago).

It also helped me unpack a lot of what I witnessed as a child, and feel validated, as I could read about people who had been in similar situations.

[Heidi Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is mostly geared towards women who have been or are in abusive relationships. Most of it was interesting, but not necessarily related to my situation with foster parenting. There were parts, however, that were excellent and very insightful.

[Kenzie Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great resource for non-abusive parents and supporters of children who have been/are being exposed to domestic violence; designed to be readable and accessible, it contains honest assessments of judicial and child protection systems and helpful advice on how to navigate it in kids' best interests.

[Christine Murdock · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best information I have received in regards to children and domestic violence. especially, when it comes to disipline and behavior issues. It is important to understand how children express their feelings and how best to support and comfort them.

[Courtney · Rating 5 out of 5]

same same - this writer writes about a subject - I wish i could articulate on so well. He is such a resource for survivors and those that care about them.

[Holly Shifrah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Needs to be required reading for every doctor, therapist, judge, police officer, social worker, politician, and lawyer out there.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

for work...