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The Control Book
In most, if not all, of BDSM activities there is at least some aspect of control by one partner over the other. That, notes author Peter Masters, is the heart of this book. In spite of that reality, there is little discussion among BDSM players about control and almost no instruction as to its assertion or exercise. The Control Book, therefore, is unique in its approach as a robust guide to understanding, gaining, exercising, maintaining, and using safe, sane, and consensual control over another or experiencing it as a willful submissive. Masters\rquote step-by-step approach has both depth and an experiential basis. He adeptly uses sound psychology and common sense to instruct all those, both dominant and submissive, who are drawn to any kind of dominant/submissive encounter or relationship. In five thorough and informative chapters -- Introduction, Transfer of Control, Communication, Management, and Discussion -- Masters presents both food for thought and sure guidance about his subject. Here, finally, is an important and enlightening book on a seldom discussed topic -- Control -- by a man who is well-practiced in its use.
208 pages, Perfect Paperback
First published March 1, 2007
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Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews
March 20, 2014
"There are many aspects of [control] which I haven't dealt with for various reasons" (p. 167) because it was easier to throw some obvious platitudes on the page and call it a book.
I am not involved in BDSM in any way. I wanted to read this to counter some of the more ridiculous fiction versions of BDSM that I've read in the last couple of years. I have to say, Peter Masters comes across as a bit of a dick, plus the book was boring, and didn't address what I thought it would.
I expected to get a discussion of psychological aspects of taking control; a glimpse into the mind of someone who enjoyed controlling others. I've genuinely read more about human psychology in dog training manuals.
"Termination: For any number of reasons you might decide to release your submissive. Maybe you're both growing in different directions, maybe your agreed time together is up, and maybe there was just a mismatch. Here are some things to think about. 1) Do it smoothly so that there is minimum bad feeling and minimum damage to the submissive's ego. Don't say, "You're not useful to me any more. Go away." If they don't already know, explain why it's happening." (p. 140)
If this kind of information is news to you, I suggest you are indeed not ready to train a dog, let alone have a submissive.
Here are "Acts which can trigger a submissive response" (p. 96):
I'll be honest with you here; I was hoping for something a bit more insightful than the suggestion to throw someone to the floor.
One thing I thought was interesting is that Masters states:
"Many practitioners of BDSM practice safewords . . . suppose the agreement is that when the submissive says the word "red", that the dominant will immediately cease inflicting whatever they are inflicting on the submissive. This agreement takes control away from the dominant and gives it to the submissive. It gives the submissive a button they can push which is guaranteed to make the dominant do what the submissive wants . . . In spite of hearing the "red" safeword from the submissive, a dominant might be 100% certain that going further will be OK. . . . I am not arguing against safewords here [but] maintaining feedback similar to that gained by safewords but without the negative control or trust issues, can be achieved by using safewords in an advisory only role, and without any agreement as to how the dominant will react when he hears them. In this new scheme, it'd probably be best not to call them "safewords" any more, because people hearing the term would automatically assume . . . the dominant will stop what they're doing, when that's not what you mean at all. Let's call them instead advisory-words. (p. 89-90)
This goes counter to some things I'd been understood to be true about BDSM, so this was an intriguing point of view.
Masters also seems to be conflating the concept of Jung's Archetype with some god-awful stereotyping.
Masters discusses tapping into our archetypes in order to "take full advantage of the submissive" and "develop strategies to deal with things that might resist you e.g. a dominant or independent streak in your submissive" (p. 26). Archetypes might include Warrior (perhaps "after you've seen a Claude Van Damme [sic] or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie" (p. 34) Mother, Damsel in Distress, Adversary, Hero etc
Masters describes Archetypes as "a core set of behaviours on which the real [person] can draw - sort of ready-to-wear attitudes and behaviours." (p. 25)
He gives an example of the difference between the mother, and the Mother.
"It might be useful to explicitly list some of the common behaviours in all mothers like nurturing, making physical contact, looking after the child when it is sick, taking care of the child, protecting the child, teaching the child, finding food for the child, making the child fend for itself once its old enough." (p. 25)
Well, no. Just no. Those are the behaviours that Western culture says are ideal in mothers. They are not universal, and they are not instinctual or innate. They are learned: (ideally) modeled by a parent, then copied. You get raised in a dysfunctional family without affection, you do not suddenly know how to make physical contact with, or even feed, your own baby. This lack of understanding about very basic human nature gives me pause.
Masters states that "Archetypes in other people can be controlled or influenced. By understanding the archetype which you want to be active, and how you want it to react, you can consciously perform the actions that will trigger or un-trigger it. For instance . . . physically rising up above a non-Warrior can trigger submission." (p. 27).
Ok, so that's actually about as deep, psychologically speaking, the book gets, but it's so . . . shallow. Facile. Look, he's the Dom, presumably he knows what he's talking about. But is this really working for him?
The most valuable section was on creating rituals around standing orders. The most disappointing section was pp. 167-191, on love, hard and soft limits, closure, humour, feeling controlled, satiation etc. These vital topics are covered as "discussion questions" for you to "get some like-minded friends together and talk about," "over coffee." (p. 167)
Overall, in no way was this worth the money. Basic, simplistic, utterly disappointing.
I am not involved in BDSM in any way. I wanted to read this to counter some of the more ridiculous fiction versions of BDSM that I've read in the last couple of years. I have to say, Peter Masters comes across as a bit of a dick, plus the book was boring, and didn't address what I thought it would.
I expected to get a discussion of psychological aspects of taking control; a glimpse into the mind of someone who enjoyed controlling others. I've genuinely read more about human psychology in dog training manuals.
"Termination: For any number of reasons you might decide to release your submissive. Maybe you're both growing in different directions, maybe your agreed time together is up, and maybe there was just a mismatch. Here are some things to think about. 1) Do it smoothly so that there is minimum bad feeling and minimum damage to the submissive's ego. Don't say, "You're not useful to me any more. Go away." If they don't already know, explain why it's happening." (p. 140)
If this kind of information is news to you, I suggest you are indeed not ready to train a dog, let alone have a submissive.
Here are "Acts which can trigger a submissive response" (p. 96):
I'll be honest with you here; I was hoping for something a bit more insightful than the suggestion to throw someone to the floor.
One thing I thought was interesting is that Masters states:
"Many practitioners of BDSM practice safewords . . . suppose the agreement is that when the submissive says the word "red", that the dominant will immediately cease inflicting whatever they are inflicting on the submissive. This agreement takes control away from the dominant and gives it to the submissive. It gives the submissive a button they can push which is guaranteed to make the dominant do what the submissive wants . . . In spite of hearing the "red" safeword from the submissive, a dominant might be 100% certain that going further will be OK. . . . I am not arguing against safewords here [but] maintaining feedback similar to that gained by safewords but without the negative control or trust issues, can be achieved by using safewords in an advisory only role, and without any agreement as to how the dominant will react when he hears them. In this new scheme, it'd probably be best not to call them "safewords" any more, because people hearing the term would automatically assume . . . the dominant will stop what they're doing, when that's not what you mean at all. Let's call them instead advisory-words. (p. 89-90)
This goes counter to some things I'd been understood to be true about BDSM, so this was an intriguing point of view.
Masters also seems to be conflating the concept of Jung's Archetype with some god-awful stereotyping.
Masters discusses tapping into our archetypes in order to "take full advantage of the submissive" and "develop strategies to deal with things that might resist you e.g. a dominant or independent streak in your submissive" (p. 26). Archetypes might include Warrior (perhaps "after you've seen a Claude Van Damme [sic] or Arnold Schwarzenegger movie" (p. 34) Mother, Damsel in Distress, Adversary, Hero etc
Masters describes Archetypes as "a core set of behaviours on which the real [person] can draw - sort of ready-to-wear attitudes and behaviours." (p. 25)
He gives an example of the difference between the mother, and the Mother.
"It might be useful to explicitly list some of the common behaviours in all mothers like nurturing, making physical contact, looking after the child when it is sick, taking care of the child, protecting the child, teaching the child, finding food for the child, making the child fend for itself once its old enough." (p. 25)
Well, no. Just no. Those are the behaviours that Western culture says are ideal in mothers. They are not universal, and they are not instinctual or innate. They are learned: (ideally) modeled by a parent, then copied. You get raised in a dysfunctional family without affection, you do not suddenly know how to make physical contact with, or even feed, your own baby. This lack of understanding about very basic human nature gives me pause.
Masters states that "Archetypes in other people can be controlled or influenced. By understanding the archetype which you want to be active, and how you want it to react, you can consciously perform the actions that will trigger or un-trigger it. For instance . . . physically rising up above a non-Warrior can trigger submission." (p. 27).
Ok, so that's actually about as deep, psychologically speaking, the book gets, but it's so . . . shallow. Facile. Look, he's the Dom, presumably he knows what he's talking about. But is this really working for him?
The most valuable section was on creating rituals around standing orders. The most disappointing section was pp. 167-191, on love, hard and soft limits, closure, humour, feeling controlled, satiation etc. These vital topics are covered as "discussion questions" for you to "get some like-minded friends together and talk about," "over coffee." (p. 167)
Overall, in no way was this worth the money. Basic, simplistic, utterly disappointing.
April 13, 2014
- How kinky?
Not particularly. Many do consider and define the psychological aspects of BDSM to be kinky, but you aren't going to find anything in here about any kink except the titular.
- How sexy?
Not. Quite dry and academic. Exactly what can be expected from such a volume.
- How informative?
Very. The introduction does say that it's not a book for beginners, but it sure reads that way at times. A lot of the info was very basic. That said, it does have a lot of info that may not be commonly known to even some experienced players, so there is an argument that it is for Controllers of all levels. Subs may not get much out of it, except to suggest it to their Doms. Or perhaps Masters, rather than Doms, as it is very much M/s based as opposed to D/s.
- How engaging?
Fairly. The first chapter (which I will go into later) is slightly ... off-topic, shall we say. After that, the book is quite engaging, and I read it quickly and hungrily to the end.
- How well executed?
Fairly. Again, the first chapter was unnecessary and ill-advised. The remainder of the book is well-considered, relatively thorough (relative to some other texts I've read on the topic), and I think it will be helpful to any who choose to follow it.
- Overall reaction
Sorry, the first chapter really put me off. A lot of theorising and posturing about Jungian psychology and neuroscience. Unnecessary, as I said, and ultimately bad form. If you skip the first chapter the rest is worth an extra point, but since it is included, I had to downgrade my rating. Read this book if you have an interest in exactly how to take control of a sub/slave, how that is achieved, and how to maintain the power exchange. It's exactly the scope of the book, and it does deliver, if you pay attention.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER REVIEWS: http://dirtyfilthybookslut.blogspot.com
Not particularly. Many do consider and define the psychological aspects of BDSM to be kinky, but you aren't going to find anything in here about any kink except the titular.
- How sexy?
Not. Quite dry and academic. Exactly what can be expected from such a volume.
- How informative?
Very. The introduction does say that it's not a book for beginners, but it sure reads that way at times. A lot of the info was very basic. That said, it does have a lot of info that may not be commonly known to even some experienced players, so there is an argument that it is for Controllers of all levels. Subs may not get much out of it, except to suggest it to their Doms. Or perhaps Masters, rather than Doms, as it is very much M/s based as opposed to D/s.
- How engaging?
Fairly. The first chapter (which I will go into later) is slightly ... off-topic, shall we say. After that, the book is quite engaging, and I read it quickly and hungrily to the end.
- How well executed?
Fairly. Again, the first chapter was unnecessary and ill-advised. The remainder of the book is well-considered, relatively thorough (relative to some other texts I've read on the topic), and I think it will be helpful to any who choose to follow it.
- Overall reaction
Sorry, the first chapter really put me off. A lot of theorising and posturing about Jungian psychology and neuroscience. Unnecessary, as I said, and ultimately bad form. If you skip the first chapter the rest is worth an extra point, but since it is included, I had to downgrade my rating. Read this book if you have an interest in exactly how to take control of a sub/slave, how that is achieved, and how to maintain the power exchange. It's exactly the scope of the book, and it does deliver, if you pay attention.
CHECK OUT MY OTHER REVIEWS: http://dirtyfilthybookslut.blogspot.com
December 6, 2020
Είναι ένα απ' τα καλύτερα βιβλία που έχω διαβάσει πάνω στο κομμάτι του ελέγχου των ασύμμετρων σχέσεων. Αν σε αυτό το βιβλίο είχε δοθεί μεγαλύτερη βαρύτητα που δίνεται σε άλλο του συγγραφέα, σε ό,τι αφορά το συνειδητό, το υποσυνείδητο και το ασυνείδητο, καθώς και τις 12 - κατά Γιούνγκ- βασικές προσωπικότητες, θα ήταν ένα βιβλίο που δε θα του έλειπε τίποτα, εκτός από ίσως περισσότερες σελίδες, γιατί ο συγγραφέας γράφει απολαυστικά. Με βοήθησε δε να ενώσω τελείες με τον τρόπο που μπορεί να σε βοηθήσει ένα βιβλίο όταν βουτάς τη γνώση, στην εμπειρία. Το βιβλίο διδάσκει και συντροφεύει και ''εκπαιδεύει'' το Κ ή το υ που νομίζουν ότι έχουν αποκτήσει το κολάι, επειδή έχουν μερικές ''επιτυχίες'', αγνοώντας όλα αυτά που δεν ταιριάζουν με την αφελή εικόνα που προσπαθούν να δημιουργήσουν.
Τέλος, αν και το βιβλίο κυκλοφορεί σε ελεύθερο pdf, τιμής ένεκεν αφού το διάβασα, μετά το αγόρασα κιόλας. Το σημαντικότερο δώρο του είναι πως μου υπενθύμισε κάτι που γενικά άρχισα να χάνω απ' τη ζωή μου τα τελευταία χρόνια και αυτό είναι η προσήλωση και η συνειδητή επιλογή, ή μη τυχαία επειδή βρέθηκε κάτι ή κάποιος μπροστά μου. Έχεις απ' τη μια το χάος και την αταξία κι απ' την άλλη, την αρμονία με την ουσία. Σε οποιοδήποτε θέμα κι αν αναφερόμαστε, είτε πρόκειται για το ειδικό αντικείμενο του βιβλίου, είτε για το οτιδήποτε άλλο. Είναι ένα βιβλίο τόσο για χαζούς, όσο και για έξυπνους, δεν είναι πάντως βιβλίο για να κάνει ειδήμων κάποιον που είδε φως και μπήκε και του φαίνεται ευκολότερο να μπει σε ένα κόσμο, όταν δεν είναι αποδεκτός σε άλλους.
Τέλος, αν και το βιβλίο κυκλοφορεί σε ελεύθερο pdf, τιμής ένεκεν αφού το διάβασα, μετά το αγόρασα κιόλας. Το σημαντικότερο δώρο του είναι πως μου υπενθύμισε κάτι που γενικά άρχισα να χάνω απ' τη ζωή μου τα τελευταία χρόνια και αυτό είναι η προσήλωση και η συνειδητή επιλογή, ή μη τυχαία επειδή βρέθηκε κάτι ή κάποιος μπροστά μου. Έχεις απ' τη μια το χάος και την αταξία κι απ' την άλλη, την αρμονία με την ουσία. Σε οποιοδήποτε θέμα κι αν αναφερόμαστε, είτε πρόκειται για το ειδικό αντικείμενο του βιβλίου, είτε για το οτιδήποτε άλλο. Είναι ένα βιβλίο τόσο για χαζούς, όσο και για έξυπνους, δεν είναι πάντως βιβλίο για να κάνει ειδήμων κάποιον που είδε φως και μπήκε και του φαίνεται ευκολότερο να μπει σε ένα κόσμο, όταν δεν είναι αποδεκτός σε άλλους.
February 21, 2018
Peter shares many insightful theories on the nature of control and how to manage it in the context of a D/s relationship. As a newbie, this resource has been eyeopening.
The only thing I did not like was that he never provided any answers to his own questions. It would have been more valuable to get his perspective than leave the reader guessing.
The only thing I did not like was that he never provided any answers to his own questions. It would have been more valuable to get his perspective than leave the reader guessing.
May 5, 2025
There were a lot of blank filler pages. The end feels like he ran out of things to say and just wanted to list topics and questions. The discussion questions were probably the best part of the book. I felt it had a rather skewed/odd tone around approaching submissives in public kink spaces that I didn't particularly like.
November 15, 2025
Done in record time for a book club.
Interesting, some stuff I strongly disagreed with but overall an interesting view of d/s relationships.
The stuff about having a formal interview sounded dope tbh and not dissimilar to how I do relationship discussions.
Overall it all just sounds exhausting.
Interesting, some stuff I strongly disagreed with but overall an interesting view of d/s relationships.
The stuff about having a formal interview sounded dope tbh and not dissimilar to how I do relationship discussions.
Overall it all just sounds exhausting.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 10, 2012
This is a very hands-on, how to do it, why it works detailed instruction book with thought provoking questions at the end of every chapter. This is not a new area of thought for me, but still there were interesting points raised in the discussion of the various chapters regarding training. I'd recommend this for someone just starting out as well as someone with some experience under their belt.
March 3, 2019
An insightful and clear consideration of the practicalities of Dominants dealing with control sensitive submissives in a D/s relationship.
Masters writes from experience and deals with many aspects in seperate chapters. The tone is never preachy. Masters never claims to have definitive answers or a guaranteed way of handling any situation. Instead, he sets out the area, e.g communication puts forward how he believes the situation stands and finishes the chapter by posing general questions to provoke further thought between the Dom and their submissive. Masters says he is writing for male dom/ female sub as that is his background, but the ideas and siturations are generic and can apply in any form of D/s relationship.
Definitely one of the best "self help" books on this aspect of sexuality
Masters writes from experience and deals with many aspects in seperate chapters. The tone is never preachy. Masters never claims to have definitive answers or a guaranteed way of handling any situation. Instead, he sets out the area, e.g communication puts forward how he believes the situation stands and finishes the chapter by posing general questions to provoke further thought between the Dom and their submissive. Masters says he is writing for male dom/ female sub as that is his background, but the ideas and siturations are generic and can apply in any form of D/s relationship.
Definitely one of the best "self help" books on this aspect of sexuality
December 12, 2025
3.5 stars.
Very academic which I don’t hate. My main issue with the book is the language the author chose to use. Words mean things and they also have power. He consistently said on almost every page that a Dom is supposed take control from their sub. This is all wrong. Control is not taken EVER. Control is received. It is a gift. And that gift must needs be managed properly. As a result this book guides Doms incorrectly. I didn’t like how he speaks very black or white in the topic either. The fact of the matter is that these types of dynamics are more nuanced than anything. Had this book been written by a woman I’m sure I’d have no qualms. Outside of these major issues, Everything else was quite spot on.
The best book on this topic that I’ve read so far is Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham. Highly recommend.
Very academic which I don’t hate. My main issue with the book is the language the author chose to use. Words mean things and they also have power. He consistently said on almost every page that a Dom is supposed take control from their sub. This is all wrong. Control is not taken EVER. Control is received. It is a gift. And that gift must needs be managed properly. As a result this book guides Doms incorrectly. I didn’t like how he speaks very black or white in the topic either. The fact of the matter is that these types of dynamics are more nuanced than anything. Had this book been written by a woman I’m sure I’d have no qualms. Outside of these major issues, Everything else was quite spot on.
The best book on this topic that I’ve read so far is Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham. Highly recommend.
October 5, 2018
No. Just no.
I understand there are people who want to be controlled, and that such relationships are consensual.
But I still think it's a pathological condition to want or need to control and manipulate other people. It's dehumanizing. And it probably stems from a deep form of trauma.
Maybe at some point, control has been taken from those people, and they felt utterly helpless, and now need to compensate for this feeling by controlling others. In any case, they should try therapy.
I understand there are people who want to be controlled, and that such relationships are consensual.
But I still think it's a pathological condition to want or need to control and manipulate other people. It's dehumanizing. And it probably stems from a deep form of trauma.
Maybe at some point, control has been taken from those people, and they felt utterly helpless, and now need to compensate for this feeling by controlling others. In any case, they should try therapy.
August 20, 2022
Pseudo-scientific ramblings about evolution and random examples of random things that have nothing to do with the topic mixed with talk of dominance and submission. Some of the latter might be somewhat relevant but mostly this book made me kind of uncomfortable. There must be better things out there written about bdsm.
July 14, 2024
Incredibly dangerous advice to be pushy and get into power struggles with submissive partners, particularly early in the dynamic. Weird gender reductive theories and advice that could lead you to coerce or violate the consent of other people without approaching a BDSM dynamic as two equals exchanging power
I am both pretty experienced with and very kink positive, but this does a bad job of separating being a pushy idiot with being a dominant.
I am both pretty experienced with and very kink positive, but this does a bad job of separating being a pushy idiot with being a dominant.
December 22, 2016
wanted it to be good. unfortunately pretty basic.
Displaying 1 - 13 of 13 reviews