Sacred Cows: The Truth About Divorce and Marriage

by Danielle Teller, Astro Teller

Drs. Astro and Danielle Teller know better than most that finding the right partner in life doesn’t always happen the first time around. Through their own divorces they learned how widely held cultural assumptions and misinformation that nobody thinks to question—what they refer to as “sacred cows”—create unnecessary heartache for people who are already suffering through a terrible time.

Do you think, for example, that the divorce rate in the United States is rising? Or that children are harmed by divorce? Most people do, but it turns out that neither of these notions is supported by the data.

Combining the rigor that has established them as leaders in their respective fields along with a dose of good-natured humor, the Tellers ask readers to take a fresh look at seven common sacred cows: the Holy Cow, the Expert Cow, the Selfish Cow, the Defective Cow, the Innocent Victim Cow, the One True Cow, and the Other Cow. This is not a book that is “for” marriage or “for” divorce, but “for” the freedom to decide how to live most honestly and happily either as part of a couple or a single person.

In the same way that Esther Perel’s bestselling Mating in Captivity gave couples a fresh perspective on their married life, so Sacred Cows invites reader to question assumptions and conventional wisdom. It offers a smart, insightful, and sympathetic view for those in a marital crisis, marriage counsellors, or anyone looking to gain a fresh perspective on one of our most cherished and misunderstood institutions.

Genres: Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help, Divorce

137 pages, Paperback

First published June 29, 2014

Reviews

[Mephistia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was underwhelmed by this book. There were pros and cons to it. I might recommend it, but only to someone actually actively going through a divorce. Why?

PROS

* They bring up some really good points about the state of sociology/ relationship research today

* They offer salient critiques of some of the arguments used against divorce.

CONS

* They overuse the "cows" thing from the title, and it feels condescending. Phrases like, "this idea needs to mooove over," or, "put this one out to pasture!" It goes from kinda eye-rolling cutesy reference to the title to an annoying shtick that undermines their research/ writing voice pretty quickly.

* They refer to all the sacred cows in the feminine. "She says," "according to her," etc. I know literal cows are female, but they're talking about sacred cows -- socialized attitude norms shared by persons of both genders. They should have switched up the gender pronouns. Small complaint, but still frustrating to have every chapter refer to these sorts of attitudes as held and promoted only by women.


* The authors say they believe in the notion of one true love. (quote: "As in religion, there are believes and nonbelievers [in true love], and in the interest of full disclosure, we will tell you that we belong to the first group.) This, to me, has two problems: One, it undermines (again) the notion that they're unbiased scientific researchers, because they buy into that sort of claim. Two, it undermines a lot of their arguments in chapter 6, because it requires believing in true love to buy their arguments.


* Finally, while they addressed the general disarray and lack of controls in the fields of relationship sociology, they didn't address some studies on attraction that have been done. At one point in the book, they claim there is no scientifically confirmed way to create attraction where none exists, and if there was it would be flying off the shelves. The thing is, there are activities and behaviors that have been shown to create attraction, and they could more than likely be utilized to renew attraction.

These are things like learning a new skill together, which builds trust in each other as people, and spending a lot of time making eye contact. Seriously. They've done studies where they have strangers sit down and hold one another's gaze in intimate proximity, and then have them rate the other persons trustworthiness, attractiveness, and whether or not they would want to see them again. Compared to the control group, holding the gaze of someone for a prolonged amount of time increases feelings of closeness and attraction. They didn't address the validity (or lack thereof) of studies like those, or the fact that these behaviors would not be a "quick" solution that's easy to package and sell. But in their critique of marriage counselors, they also focused entirely on the flaws in talk therapy and fixing communication problems, instead of addressing the ways someone can alter their behavior to rebuild intimacy.

It felt like they were intentionally (or perhaps unconsciously) ignoring or not seeking out information that countered their narrative: That once a marriage is dead, it's dead and gone, and there's no point trying to renew love between two otherwise good people that simply no longer get along. It was frustrating, because they gave examples similar to: Sue falls in love with Joe and marries him, but after a few years they grow apart and no longer love one another. They go to marriage counseling and it doesn't work. They stay in the marriage because of the sacred cows that pressure them to, but they can't force the love to regrow, so they begin to resent one another. Sue meets Greg and falls in love with him, and it's completely different from when she loved Joe. This is true love."

And it's frustrating because this entire argument revolves around the notion that true love actually exists, and that it's measurably different in tone and feeling than regular love ... with the underlying assumption that if love disappears or dies, then it wasn't "true love," so there's no point trying to fix the relationship.

Often the book feels less like it's addressing sacred cows and unnecessary social judgement around divorce, and more like it's vehemently defending the choice of the authors to divorce their first spouses and remarry. There's even a problematic point where they come close to defending adultery -- they skate just shy of it, but they come pretty close to the point.

Now, I have some family members who cheated on their SOs, and you could see that train wreck coming a mile away. These (former) couples clearly had communication and resentment issues they weren't working out. But the adult, mature response would have been to either a) put the effort into repairing their relationship or b) get divorced, and then move on to create new relationships. It doesn't help anyone to ignore serious issues in the relationship and cheat on your spouse. Just divorce. If you're at the point where you're like, "Man, I want to cheat on my spouse," just divorce. Seriously. There's no excuse for adultery. I don't understand how these authors, while promoting the value of divorce to end a toxic or dead relationship, can even incidentally condone adultery.

I dunno. Obviously I had a lot of problems with the book. I don't have a problem with divorce. They would probably say I did. I think that it's a very difficult, nuanced decision that leads to the death of a relationship. It's heartrending and painful, and it damages or destroys numerous relationships among extended family and friends. It's expensive and prolonged.

I personally think it would be super cool if we moved to a model of time-lapsed contract marriages -- where the default is not "until death do you part," but "for x number of years, you will be a married couple. At the end of that time, you must return to the courthouse and renew your marriage vows for another contract term of x years. If you do not return, the marriage will be considered null and void, and all your shared assets will be equally divided according to the laws of the state or the requirements of your prenuptial agreement."

I think that makes more sense, and requires an active commitment on the part of the married people to renew and retain their union and the social and financial benefits of being married in our society.

I do think that if both marriage parties are willing to admit their shared fault in the state of the relationship and take every step necessary to improve communication and enhance attraction to one another, most marriages that lack abuse or serious incompatability in religion, values, or sexuality can recover. I am essentially pro-marriage, I guess. I mean, I feel like once you make a commitment to someone (whether through the legal contract of marriage, or simply through private commitment ceremony and promises of faithfulness), I think that it's important for both parties to invest fully in that relationship through thick and thin, stress and sorrow.

That said, I also think that in some situations, people do grow apart into different value systems and expectations, or people realize that they made a poor choice in a spouse. That happens, and it is necessary to have the freedom to divorce. My biggest problem from the book was pretty much that I got the strong impression that they think anyone who is unhappy in their relationship should get divorced rather than waste time working on it. And maybe that's just the subject matter of the book -- the point is to tear down the sacred cows arguing against divorce. Some of their arguments, though, seemed to be battling even the notion that one should try to repair a marriage they've deemed broken.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book on divorce and marriage that I've read in a decade.

I've been through a divorce myself (once when my parents were divorced and once when I myself got divorced), and I wish this book had been out while I was going through either of those painful times.

There are many myths about divorce that this books dispels -- including ones that get treated as gospel by many divorce and marriage counselors.

The Tellers are at their best when dispelling the marriage counseling cows and the academic literature around saving marriages.

Overall, they do a good job of tipping the sacred cows, and this book is a good read for those experiencing or considering a divorce or those interested in marriage counseling or in analyzing their own relationships.

[Anino · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a Sociologist who is a single Christian female, I’m required to look at the whole picture and examine the evidence and underlying meanings as they are, not as I want it to be. I must say that while reading this book, the scenarios made perfect sense and the “dictionary of divorce talk” was incredibly hilarious but true. Although I do believe in Marriage as being a holy covenant, I’ve seen too many instances of toxic unholy marriages (my own parents as a prime example) that have had severe adverse effects on the couple’s offspring and other people in their immediate and outer spheres of influence.

From the word go, this book targets the misconceptions and faulty reasoning that has weighed so many disillusioned partners down for centuries. By helping readers realize that it’s okay to let go of severely toxic relationships, the writers are essentially restoring sanity to those who are caught up in the cycle of people-pleasing, emotional self-flagellation, emotional/physical abuse, and not to mention, moralistic insanity that’s legalistic and confining in nature.

For so long, both women and men have been hand delivered a severe guilt trip when considering the possibilities of ending a marriage that just doesn't work. When a bad marriage threatens to drown out someone’s emotional/mental/physical/spiritual existence, it’s time to get real and put an end to the insanity.

If more people would just be courageous enough to stop engaging in “Groupthink,” and be honest enough to admit that perhaps not all instances of divorce equal failure, then perhaps more people would be willing to take a second look at their marriage relationship and examine it realistically, so as to determine if the relationship is worth fighting for.

Giving this one: 4 stars

[Sami · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really wish I had read this book years ago. If I had recognised the influence of sacred cows in my life I could have saved myself years of the mental torture I put myself through trying to justify to myself why I needed to end my emotionally desolate marriage. I was particularly intrigued by the sections on the Gottman method of marriage counselling, which in my experience is complete BS but which nobody seems to want to take aim at. I could tell some stories!

Also the adage ‘marriage is hard work’ Isn’t much use to anyone if nobody can quantify how hard that work should be or how demoralising it is allowed to be before it becomes damaging to one or both parties in the relationship. And if it’s so much hard work, why bloody do it, right?

It’s interesting and important to challenge assumptions and this book does a great job of that. People should read it before that get married not when they’re already on the brink of divorce IMO

[Matthew P. Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent analytic review of common prejudices!

The authors do a great job of breaking down to digestible pieces difficult common stereotypes about divorce and marriage without taking sides.

[Seth Arnopole · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t need this book now, but I could have used it in my twenties.

[Vicki Larson · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a woman who married and divorced twice, once in my 20s without kids and once in my 40s with kids, I loved the message of this book. I have been seen as a failure (two failed marriages!), a person who doesn't know what commitment means (I have had numerous committed relationships), and a damaged person (because only people who couple up for life are "normal"). I love that the Tellers are willing to address every misconception about divorce with a level head and studies. I agree with them; when you have kids, divorce is challenging. But that doesn't mean people should feel shamed because they couldn't make it "until death" (marriages lasted and average of 12 years during colonial times; we now see 70 and 75th wedding anniversaries). A recent Pew study indicated that 4 out of 10 newlyweds in 2013 had been married at least once before. Let's face it; few of us make it "until death" and even if we do, it's often an unhappy, sexless marriage. Time to rethink the institution. I applaud the Tellers for being willing to question the "sacred cows" about divorce and marriage. Everyone should. And even if you decide to stay in a marginally happy marriage, at least you will have questioned your fears and society's agenda.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. So it turns out I have been a cow and I didn’t know it. I thought I was being a supportive and helpful friend, but in reality I was unconsciously reiterating long-held beliefs that people tell themselves and others. Sacred Cows refreshingly exposes that these are simply not true. I found myself in a bit of shock a few times as the book revealed notions that I previously thought to be truths but actually don’t make sense at all.

While the book focuses on a serious topic, it is so delightfully written with accessibility and humor, that feels like you are talking with a close friend.

If you have friends or family questioning their relationships, then I highly recommend Danielle and Astro Teller’s book. They have helped me to be a better friend (and hopefully less of a cow) while also making me laugh along the way.

[Omotola · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it to be an altogether short but meaningful read. It doesn't really offer any practical advice for what to do when you're trying to save a marriage or get a divorce. It merely examines some of the preconceived notions that society has regarding whatever elements may or may not become relevant when a couple admits that they are considering getting a divorce. I think it's a worthwhile read for anyone who is seriously considering either the possibility of marriage or the possibility of a divorce.

a fair bit of warning though: all the cows that they talk about in the book are female for some reason. so, maybe take that part with a grain of salt.

[Janet · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a fascinating look at the myths surrounding relationships and divorce. I found this book, though dealing with a serious subject, the kind of book that has you laughing ruefully as well as nodding your head. There were so many "ahah" moments for me I wished I had the opportunity to discuss the book - so I would recommend it as a possible book club selection. Well researched, beautifully easy to read, I never felt lectured to or put down.
*I received my copy from NetGalley.com in exchange for an honest review.

[Teri Temme · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fitting that I would finish this on the first anniversary of the finalization of my divorce! No regrets - I am glad I married who I did. I had a great time and learned a lot. Looking forward to the next chapter of my life now :)

This book is insightful and gives you ammunition when you hear all of the arguments for and against both marriage and divorce (and you will). Commence with the cow tipping.

[Sergio Carlos · Rating 4 out of 5]

A sassy little book that's equal parts silly and insightful. At first I found the playful nature of the writing off-putting, but the fact that the authors validated all of my feelings and positions on divorce and marriage helped me get through this book. I would recommend this book. If you don't mind a little bit of goofiness, there is a lot of great insight to be gleaned from it.

[Oraynab Jwayyed · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book because the authors tried to turn a mundane and always unfortunate topic into a playful read. I personally did not appreciate or understand the connection between divorce and cows, but it is interesting, at times funny, and engaging.

[Donald · Rating 5 out of 5]

A friend sent this to me at just the right time. This book focuses on the false cultural assumptions that add guilt, fear, and shame to the lives of people going through divorce. The book is also funny and enjoyable to read. I would recommend this to anyone.

[Cynthia Shannon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good book

[Becky J · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved the premise, but the cow thing was soooooo cheesy. Ruined it IMO.

[Jenn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Recommended by Tim Ferris. Book has excellent points but feels dumbed down. Interview with authors by Tim Ferris is excellent, but skip the book unless you need the lessons.

[Nello · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy read written in disarming language.

I especially liked the chapter on counseling/therapy.

[michael a darcey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked the book a great deal, even though the slant is different than my own opinion for most of the book. I too am divorced once and remarried but recall being pelted by arrows from many sacred cows and even found remembering times when I was the sacred cow in my own first marriage. That was enlightening for me. Going into my first divorce was tough, no doubt, especially with those around me and myself creating a great resistance. Like the Teller's I am a firm believer that divorce is a viable solution, when the relationship has fallen apart. I have seen and still see relationships that have fallen apart but are held together with a piece of paper and rings. I'm sure the sacred cows are creating resistance from those relationships translating into something that would truly make those individuals happy again. Tellers thank you for putting this out into the world.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I found it as I was googling how to respond to people about divorce. I think I connected most with this book because I know what the right thing to do in my own marriage BUT I cannot and should not explain all the details with those people who take issue with my decision. I feel like this book takes a lot of the power out of the judgement that may come. Definitely worth reading.

[Sally Kilpatrick]

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this book. I do think the authors make some valid points about how people treat divorce and those who get divorced, but, at the same time, the book felt almost too secular? Or maybe I'm still too religious?

And then there are all the cow references. You would think they would be right up my alley, but the cows were basically the enemy, and I prefer hero cows instead of judgmental cows.

It did make me think, I guess.

[Jess · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to find value in this book, but was completely underwhelmed and couldn’t get all the way through it. After 6 months of not being able to force my way through the worn out metaphors I finally moved this one to my Abandoned shelf (rare for me). Read the book description and maybe intro - save yourself from trying to slog through the rest.

[Stephanie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Blah. I gained nothing from this book and it took me ages to finish it. Don’t recommend.