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Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
Poradnik przeznaczony jest dla osób, które muszą się zmierzyć ze skutkami rozstania, w tym dla osób rozwiedzionych, porzuconych lub pragnących zakończyć trudny związek, a także dla tych, którzy nie umieją poradzić sobie ze śmiercią bliskiej osoby. Autor prezentuje skuteczny 19-etapowy system pozwalający na stopniowe przystosowanie się do nowego życia po rozwodzie lub stracie ukochanej osoby. Proces ten został zilustrowany przez system cegiełek odbudowy psychicznej - od zaprzeczenia, lęku i adaptacji po samodzielność, poczucie celu i w końcu wolność.
Dzięki książce dowiesz się, jak radzić sobie z gniewem i złością, jak pozbyć się lęku przed niepewną przyszłością bez partnera oraz co zrobić, kiedy doskwiera samotność. To wyjątkowy poradnik, który zachwycił już miliony osób na całym świecie, pomógł im uporać się z trudami rozstania i sprawił, że rozpoczęli nowe, pełne radości życie. Okazał się nieocenioną pomocą dla osób, które przechodziły przez rozwód i tak jak im, również Tobie może pomóc poradzić sobie z kryzysem i odzyskać kontrolę nad swoim życiem. Dzięki radom autorów znajdziesz silne praktyczne wsparcie i inspirację do rozwoju, aby stać się taką osobą, którą chciałbyś być i z którą chcieliby być inni!
Dlaczego poradnik trafia w Samo Sedno?
- krok po kroku pokazuje, jak dojść do siebie po rozstaniu i uporać się z bólem spowodowanym utratą bliskiej osoby
- oferuje sprawdzone narzędzia niezbędne do odnalezienia się w trudnej sytuacji
- uczy, jak pomóc dziecku i wspierać je po odejściu jednego z rodziców
- uświadamia, że po rozstaniu również można nawiązać udane relacje oraz rozpocząć szczęśliwe życie w nowym związku
- pomaga poradzić sobie z samotnością i stawić czoło z pozoru przytłaczającej codzienności
Dzięki książce dowiesz się, jak radzić sobie z gniewem i złością, jak pozbyć się lęku przed niepewną przyszłością bez partnera oraz co zrobić, kiedy doskwiera samotność. To wyjątkowy poradnik, który zachwycił już miliony osób na całym świecie, pomógł im uporać się z trudami rozstania i sprawił, że rozpoczęli nowe, pełne radości życie. Okazał się nieocenioną pomocą dla osób, które przechodziły przez rozwód i tak jak im, również Tobie może pomóc poradzić sobie z kryzysem i odzyskać kontrolę nad swoim życiem. Dzięki radom autorów znajdziesz silne praktyczne wsparcie i inspirację do rozwoju, aby stać się taką osobą, którą chciałbyś być i z którą chcieliby być inni!
Dlaczego poradnik trafia w Samo Sedno?
- krok po kroku pokazuje, jak dojść do siebie po rozstaniu i uporać się z bólem spowodowanym utratą bliskiej osoby
- oferuje sprawdzone narzędzia niezbędne do odnalezienia się w trudnej sytuacji
- uczy, jak pomóc dziecku i wspierać je po odejściu jednego z rodziców
- uświadamia, że po rozstaniu również można nawiązać udane relacje oraz rozpocząć szczęśliwe życie w nowym związku
- pomaga poradzić sobie z samotnością i stawić czoło z pozoru przytłaczającej codzienności
304 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1981
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981 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 75 reviews
December 7, 2012
This is a book for people who need help recovering from a devastating break-up, but even more important, it's a book for people who are ready to grow, to work on overcoming your childhood issues, for taking off the masks you've worn and being truly happy with the real you. You could get a lot out of this book even if you're not ready to grow, but the true beauty of it is when you are, especially if you can combine it with another book, or a support group, or therapy. I think reviewing the lessons learned by others along with the wisdom found here was really key for me.
This is one of those situations where a topic will mean practically nothing to you until the time is right. I really read this book cover-to-cover several times, but it's only recently that I feel like I've completed it. There were chapters I'd read and go "gee, ya think?", and then six months later the same chapter would be exactly what I needed to hear right then. I have (and will continue to have) setbacks from time to time, but I think the authors put it best:
Becoming a healthy person emotionally is like climbing a slide in the playground. You progress up so far, then lose your grip and slide back down. Then the next time you are able to climb to a higher point. Although each relationship that ends may put you back down the slide, when you climb again, you know how to climb higher and become more healthy.
This is one of those situations where a topic will mean practically nothing to you until the time is right. I really read this book cover-to-cover several times, but it's only recently that I feel like I've completed it. There were chapters I'd read and go "gee, ya think?", and then six months later the same chapter would be exactly what I needed to hear right then. I have (and will continue to have) setbacks from time to time, but I think the authors put it best:
Becoming a healthy person emotionally is like climbing a slide in the playground. You progress up so far, then lose your grip and slide back down. Then the next time you are able to climb to a higher point. Although each relationship that ends may put you back down the slide, when you climb again, you know how to climb higher and become more healthy.
November 8, 2018
I wish I have found this book a decade earlier, it's a great tool for personal growth that I have already recommended to some friends. While the title might lead you to think that it's a self-help book for recent divorcees, it is not. Going through a divorce is the showcase, but the book itself is more about learning from the experience of a life crisis. It presents a nice framework to learn dealing with emotions in a constructive and productive way, to develop personally, to take control for your own life decisions and accept them, and actually be fine with yourself. Are you still reading this review? I suggest go and read the book instead.
July 6, 2022
این کتاب رو من برای درس مشاوره طلاق به عنوان مکمل کتاب مشاوره طلاق گوردون خوندم و به جرئت میتونم بگم خیلی کتاب خوب و مفیدیه.
گام های بازسازی بعد از طلاق رو تو ۱۹ قدم بیان کرده و اکثرشون رو به تفصیل بررسی کرده.
از انکار و ترس و... تا میرسه به آزادی که گام آخر بازسازیه.
کتاب برای کسانی که جدا شدن نوشته شده ولی یسری راهکارهاش فکر میکنم بدرد خودم هم خورد تو زمینه کنترل خشم و بررسی ارزش ها و اهداف و نوشتن احساساتمون.
تو کتاب علاوه بر توضیحات گامهای بازسازی برای بزرگسالا، برای کسانی که کودک دارن هم راهکارهایی داده.
خوندنش چه به کسانی که جدا شدن چه به کسانی که به این حوزه برای مشاوره علاقه مندن توصیه میشه🌱
گام های بازسازی بعد از طلاق رو تو ۱۹ قدم بیان کرده و اکثرشون رو به تفصیل بررسی کرده.
از انکار و ترس و... تا میرسه به آزادی که گام آخر بازسازیه.
کتاب برای کسانی که جدا شدن نوشته شده ولی یسری راهکارهاش فکر میکنم بدرد خودم هم خورد تو زمینه کنترل خشم و بررسی ارزش ها و اهداف و نوشتن احساساتمون.
تو کتاب علاوه بر توضیحات گامهای بازسازی برای بزرگسالا، برای کسانی که کودک دارن هم راهکارهایی داده.
خوندنش چه به کسانی که جدا شدن چه به کسانی که به این حوزه برای مشاوره علاقه مندن توصیه میشه🌱
July 6, 2011
Of course it isn't a magic bullet for everyone. It certainly clears the way for forgiveness...for yourself and the other.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 11, 2008
I really thought this book would help me heal. It seemed to solve everyone else's problems, but I guess they all have hearts that work in mechanical order. But with four page chapters on the "stages" I would go through, it did nothing for me. I tried to force myself to have the stages in nice, neat order, the ones I was supposed to have, and it was disasterous. Emotions don't happen in nice, neat order. In one month, one week, one day even I might slide from rage to depression to guilt to loneliness to acceptance. I felt like I was failing! The simplistic descriptions of emotional states and then a checklist of if you're ready to move on is a linear, shaming process. Get a therapist, journal, freak out at close friends, accept wherever you are in your OWN process and don't let a book dictate the "right way" to heal.
March 30, 2019
From the outdated material, to the loading questions, to the bias content, to the illusions of formulaic processing, I’m feeling slightly concerned this book released it’s 4th edition in 2016. Not only is the advise more opinion that evidence-based, I found there were a ton of contradictions and just plain bad advise. Please find another book to read if you are going through the ending of a relationship/marriage/domestic partnership. The one positive thing (if you hope to hone in on anything from this book) was the check lists at the end of each chapter. Some helpful indicators to assess where you are in a healing process. Otherwise, please please please STOP publishing this book!
May 8, 2014
For all the positive reviews I was expecting this book to be the end-all in coming to terms with divorce. Instead, it's an outdated, glib, simplistic overview of the stages you go through after divorce with very little actual practical advice. Not well written and at times frustrating to read, it's more like an outline instead of an actual developed book. Using it with the workbook may help (I didn't have the workbook) but reading it as is gives a person very little to work with.
The two main things I got out of the book was that you have to work on your own self esteem to love yourself before you can get back into relationships. And part of that work involves figuring out how you originally adapted to your upbringing so you can make corrections based on mistakes you made in marrying the first spouse.
But those are simple observations and this book doesn't take you step-by-step through how to resolve self esteem or upbringing issues. The longest chapter is about anger and while it's good to address the issue I came away feeling like I learned nothing from it because there was so little practical advice on how to change. The "exercises" or "how to" parts of the book are pretty much worthless. The authors tackle a topic, write a couple paragraphs on it (not anywhere near enough), then claim to give you suggestions but instead often just relate a story of how someone else improved. If you are looking for practical, hands-on tips to work through these issues they aren't in this book.
The book is really old (originally written in 1981), the main author died years ago, much of the material was taken from seminars he gave, and the oddest part is that the book is unsure whether it wants to address the spiritual aspects of marriage. Since so many churches use this book for divorce recovery groups the issue of religion is addressed briefly but is barely alluded to. If you are a conservative Christian you'll find the book to be liberal in its view of sexuality and disappointing in its unwillingness to address the spiritual aspects of marriage and family. I'd even say I don't understand why churches would use this book--it is too shallow to have much practical use.
The two main things I got out of the book was that you have to work on your own self esteem to love yourself before you can get back into relationships. And part of that work involves figuring out how you originally adapted to your upbringing so you can make corrections based on mistakes you made in marrying the first spouse.
But those are simple observations and this book doesn't take you step-by-step through how to resolve self esteem or upbringing issues. The longest chapter is about anger and while it's good to address the issue I came away feeling like I learned nothing from it because there was so little practical advice on how to change. The "exercises" or "how to" parts of the book are pretty much worthless. The authors tackle a topic, write a couple paragraphs on it (not anywhere near enough), then claim to give you suggestions but instead often just relate a story of how someone else improved. If you are looking for practical, hands-on tips to work through these issues they aren't in this book.
The book is really old (originally written in 1981), the main author died years ago, much of the material was taken from seminars he gave, and the oddest part is that the book is unsure whether it wants to address the spiritual aspects of marriage. Since so many churches use this book for divorce recovery groups the issue of religion is addressed briefly but is barely alluded to. If you are a conservative Christian you'll find the book to be liberal in its view of sexuality and disappointing in its unwillingness to address the spiritual aspects of marriage and family. I'd even say I don't understand why churches would use this book--it is too shallow to have much practical use.
May 9, 2012
Overall this was a very helpful book. I had looked through it many years ago but picked it up again recently to help me understand what a friend of mine is going through now. I was surprised when the book made me aware of some unresolved feelings from my own past relationships that I thought were no longer an issue for me.
One thing I do not agree with about this book is that this journey is a linear process. I do not feel that I must work through all of one chapter before moving on to the next, as certain issues will surface (and possibly resurface) at different times, and several may come up at once or in a different order than they are presented in the book. I found it helpful to read the book in its entirety first and then to go back and work on the chapters that I feel are most important for my healing at this time.
Sometimes the exercises suggested in the chapters are not particularly helpful to me, or else I feel like we have only scratched the surface of an idea and there is a lot more to explore. However, each chapter is very valuable in the concepts that it expresses and the way it gets you thinking and feeling about yourself and your situation. I will go out and seek other books and materials to compliment the information I have learned here and dig deeper in some areas where need be.
I am very grateful to this book for being so thorough and inviting me to examine many different parts of the letting go and rebuilding process. It has given me a great deal of self awareness and left me feeilng empowered and excited to tackle these old issues now and make my life the best that it can be. I definitely recommend this book for anyone who has lost an important person/relationship in their life. It will give you tools and ideas on how to cope and recover.
One thing I do not agree with about this book is that this journey is a linear process. I do not feel that I must work through all of one chapter before moving on to the next, as certain issues will surface (and possibly resurface) at different times, and several may come up at once or in a different order than they are presented in the book. I found it helpful to read the book in its entirety first and then to go back and work on the chapters that I feel are most important for my healing at this time.
Sometimes the exercises suggested in the chapters are not particularly helpful to me, or else I feel like we have only scratched the surface of an idea and there is a lot more to explore. However, each chapter is very valuable in the concepts that it expresses and the way it gets you thinking and feeling about yourself and your situation. I will go out and seek other books and materials to compliment the information I have learned here and dig deeper in some areas where need be.
I am very grateful to this book for being so thorough and inviting me to examine many different parts of the letting go and rebuilding process. It has given me a great deal of self awareness and left me feeilng empowered and excited to tackle these old issues now and make my life the best that it can be. I definitely recommend this book for anyone who has lost an important person/relationship in their life. It will give you tools and ideas on how to cope and recover.
March 15, 2013
This is a must have book if you have the problem of rebuilding before you. This presents a step-by-step process from the most basic to the more sophisticated aspects of life.
There are a number of exercises, most at the end of each chapter. I did most of them and found life improving each time.
I am not religious and found that aspect to be a little annoying about this book. Many will find it useful. It is just a little bit religious.
It is appropiately touchy feely. Get into it.
If you need this book, you will probably appreciate the 10 week course also. Look for it near you.
There are a number of exercises, most at the end of each chapter. I did most of them and found life improving each time.
I am not religious and found that aspect to be a little annoying about this book. Many will find it useful. It is just a little bit religious.
It is appropiately touchy feely. Get into it.
If you need this book, you will probably appreciate the 10 week course also. Look for it near you.
July 19, 2022
My friend recommended this to me while my relationship was still ongoing but at the verge of breaking. I started reading and doing all the chapter exercises. I learned a lot and changed towards better self. My behavior changed by itself and I started to look around and listen to people differently, I mean closer.
I realized the people I wanted to be around me and people who just consumes my energy. Nowadays I do things that I like to do and focus on myself much more than before.
I think I would changed myself eventually but I did much quicker with this book.
Thanks to my friend and this author who opened my eyes!
I realized the people I wanted to be around me and people who just consumes my energy. Nowadays I do things that I like to do and focus on myself much more than before.
I think I would changed myself eventually but I did much quicker with this book.
Thanks to my friend and this author who opened my eyes!
December 13, 2024
I won't do my traditional full-on review of this book, but will instead copy the excerpts from the text that I want to remember for future reference:
-"It can take two years or more to go through the divorce adjustment process." An online version of the Divorce-Adjustment Scale can be found and re-visited here: www.rebuilding.org/assessment
-Over-responsible vs. Under-responsible dynamic: Frequently shows up in marriage relationships "URs often become rebellious, frustrated, irritable and angry, wanting to get away from the smothering behavior of ORs."
-"To invest in a dead relationship, an emotional corpse, is to make an investment with no chance of return."
-"The nicest thing you can do for your kids is to get your own act together."
-"What was the reality in your love relationship? Were both you and your partner wanting to work and improve the system, or did only one of you want to work on the relationship? If only one is willing, then it is not very likely that the relationship will improve."
-"Maybe your relationship failed because there was a third party involved. It is easier to be angry at that third party than it is to be angry at your former love partner or yourself." ... "When you examine what is really going on, you see that he or she is really dumping the parents' control and influence. To rebel against the spouse may be, in reality, to rebel against the parents. So the crack in your relationship may have begun even before your marriage. And if there is a crack in your relationship, it is easy for a third party to become involved by filling that crack. It often is easier, or seems easier, for a person outside the relationship to fill the deficiency."
-"One simple thing you can do that really helps is to make a list of your fears."
-"The person I loved, and I thought loved me, has hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. I hurt so much."
-(When growing up) "Were you encouraged to be appropriately angry, and to show it?"
-"Say 'no' when someone makes a request of you. ... It can help you balance out your giving and receiving."
-"You have made a giant step toward independence when you become comfortable by yourself, no longer dependent on the company of others. We encourage you to go slowly in seeking new relationships at this point on the trail. You really need to learn to be alone with yourself." ... "When you are ready to face life alone, then you are ready for marriage."
-Dumper-Dumpee Dynamics: "Dumpees experience more emotional pain at the point of separation." ... (Dumpers vs. Dumpees): "You can recover more rapidly if you accept your role." ... "The Dumper wants to work on personal growth. The Dumpee wants to work on the relationship." ... The divorce honeymoon period: "The Dumper is feeling much guilt, acting super nice, willing to give the Dumpee anything. The Dumpee is feeling rejected, anxious for the Dumper to come back, and afraid to express anger for fear it will drive the Dumper away. The Dumpee is acting nice also. Eventually anger replaces feelings of guilt in the Dumper and rejection in the Dumpee. Then the divorce honeymoon ends." ... "It is only during the first period of denial that the Dumpee will claim there was nothing wrong with the relationship."
-Grief: "One of the most useful questions on the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale asks about sighing often." ... "Suicidal feelings are common during divorce grief. Approximately three-fourths ... admit to experiencing suicidal thoughts during their divorce period." ... "Make a decision to manage the grief by deciding on an appropriate time and place to do grief work. ... Be sure you do grieve during the time you have set aside for grieving." ... "You have started working through the grief process when you admit, and express, the grief anger." ... "Allow the children to grieve. ... A parent who shows the child how to grieve is far more influential than a parent who tells the child about grieving." ... "Write a goodbye letter to what you are letting go."
-Anger: "The first step is to accept that it's okay to feel angry. ... Many of us grew up hearing that it's not permissible to feel angry. Now we have to re-learn that it's okay after all." "There is a powerful anger statement in the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale: 'I blame my former love partner for the ending of our love relationship.' People who have not yet dealt with their anger will completely agree with that statement." "What is appropriate anger? Anger that is in proportion to the present situation is appropriate." "If you, like most of us, had trouble expressing anger in your marriage, you're not likely to find it easier during the divorce process." "Save your anger for when it's important." "The average person going through the divorce process stays angry at their former spouse for three years. ... (After that point,) so many things that seemed important to us before just are not anymore."
-"When the dumper guilt and dumpee anger set in, the desire to stay friends begins to disappear." (This is a natural part of the process that's certainly held true in our case.) "It is advisable not to maintain the friendship during the early stage. Wait until after you have disentangled." Three important checkpoint questions: "I no longer become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner. I have stopped trying to please my former love partner. ... I have given up my emotional commitment to my former love partner."
-"Key leftovers from the past: 1- family of origin issues, 2- influences of childhood experiences, 3- the confusing period of rebellion, and 4- the frustration and hopelessness of the power struggle." "'How many of you would like to have a marriage basically like your parents' marriage?' Less than five percent raise their hands." "Rebellion: One of the leftovers we carry from our early experiences is the unresolved need to establish ourselves as independent people by rebelling against our parents and their rules for us. If you or your partner carry that particular burden into your love relationship, it may have seriously jeopardized your chances of success." "External rebellion: They believe their partners are responsible for their unhappiness. ... They like doing things they didn't feel comfortable doing before. ... Their partners say, 'This isn't the same person I married." They like being under-responsible, after feeling so over-responsible all of their lives. ... They find people, perhaps just one person, they can talk to outside of the marriage. They tell their partners 'I could never talk to you, but I found this person who understands me and really listens to me.' Such people are usually younger and potential love partners. It looks like an affair, but those in external rebellion will usually deny having an affair. Although others may believe it is a sexual relationship, it is quite often a platonic one. The vocabulary of external rebellion often goes like this: 'I need to be out of this relationship so I can find myself. ... I need to find my own world and I don't want to continue to be sucked into your world. I want to be me. You remind me of my parent, and I don't want to be around anyone who is parental. I can smell a parent a mile away.' Partners of those in rebellion usually buy into each one of the behaviors, take it personally, and get bent out of shape emotionally and psychologically. What they need to do instead is sit back and watch the show, and become aware of how much change may be taking place in their mates. They need to realize that their mates are going through a growth process that has very little to do with them. The rebels are trying to get rid of people and relationships from their past, but they often dump their love partners in the process." ... "Rebellion is not an accident. The partner of a person in rebellion is usually parental. ... Their need for control makes it difficult for these folks to accept the rebel when he or she seems out of control. Instead of just waiting for the storm to blow over, the partner of a person in rebellion also needs to look inward, to take this opportunity to experience as much personal growth as possible." ... "The rebel needs opportunities to experiment with behavior, to try new styles of relating, and to interact with people other than the spouse. If the couple can understand directly what is happening, that the rebel is working on an internal conflict that has little to do with the spouse, it can free the work of growth and development to be done within the person rather than strain the love relationship. Rebelling love partners need to understand that their process of rebellion is an internal one, and not the responsibility of other people. Their partners need to work on healing their own inner child because their parenting and controlling behavior patterns result from unmet needs."
-"Many of us are 'half people', trying to love someone in order to become whole. Love coming from a whole person is more mature, and more likely to be lasting." "Falling in love to overcome loneliness is not actually love." ... On 'growing relationships': "Instead of asking yourself, 'Can I live with this person for the rest of my life?' Ask instead, 'Can this person and I benefit from some time together?'" ... 2 major steps: "Learning to be a single person, and learning to love again." ... "They are able to live their own lives. They have an abundance of life to share with the other person." ... "It is possible to grow from each relationship, and that is a positive way of looking at having had more than one marriage." ... "There are risks in making the other person responsible for your excitement and passion." "Living in the present is an indication of a self-actualized person." ... "During this period of rapid change, your foundation needs to be flexible, adaptable, changeable, allowing you to be different as you change. That isn't a suitable foundation for a long-term relationship. The 'contract' for a growing relationship is something like, 'I need this relationship so I can find out who I am.'" ... "Here are the actions that pave the way for a healthy termination: ... Living in the present, ... seeing this from the beginning as a short-term relationship, ... watch for clues that tell you it's time to move on, and let your partner know when they start to show up."
-"Your highest priority back in the divorce pits was to survive. You weren't thinking about setting any goals for the future. You were getting along from hour to hour, day by day." ... Consider the Lifeline activity, where you draw the past, present, and future of your life.
-"Most solid research indicates that, while children are likely to experience modestly negative outcomes from their parents' divorce early on, loving parents can help them prosper in the long run. The people who have done a better job of adjusting are typically better parents. Children whose parents are adjusting well tend to adjust better also." ... "When the children perceive their parents are strong enough, they take their turn at working through the adjustment process. ... They put their own adjustment process on hold as we go through ours. When we parents begin to sit back and relax because we think we are adjusted, feeling strong and over the divorce, look out! That's often when our children sense at some level that they can begin working on the rebuilding blocks." ... "Children's Rebuilding Blocks 1- I know what divorce is and what it means for me. 2- I'm finding out how to handle the changes I'm experiencing. 3- I'm letting my feelings out without hurting myself or others. 4- I know divorce is a grown-up problem."
-"It can take two years or more to go through the divorce adjustment process." An online version of the Divorce-Adjustment Scale can be found and re-visited here: www.rebuilding.org/assessment
-Over-responsible vs. Under-responsible dynamic: Frequently shows up in marriage relationships "URs often become rebellious, frustrated, irritable and angry, wanting to get away from the smothering behavior of ORs."
-"To invest in a dead relationship, an emotional corpse, is to make an investment with no chance of return."
-"The nicest thing you can do for your kids is to get your own act together."
-"What was the reality in your love relationship? Were both you and your partner wanting to work and improve the system, or did only one of you want to work on the relationship? If only one is willing, then it is not very likely that the relationship will improve."
-"Maybe your relationship failed because there was a third party involved. It is easier to be angry at that third party than it is to be angry at your former love partner or yourself." ... "When you examine what is really going on, you see that he or she is really dumping the parents' control and influence. To rebel against the spouse may be, in reality, to rebel against the parents. So the crack in your relationship may have begun even before your marriage. And if there is a crack in your relationship, it is easy for a third party to become involved by filling that crack. It often is easier, or seems easier, for a person outside the relationship to fill the deficiency."
-"One simple thing you can do that really helps is to make a list of your fears."
-"The person I loved, and I thought loved me, has hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. I hurt so much."
-(When growing up) "Were you encouraged to be appropriately angry, and to show it?"
-"Say 'no' when someone makes a request of you. ... It can help you balance out your giving and receiving."
-"You have made a giant step toward independence when you become comfortable by yourself, no longer dependent on the company of others. We encourage you to go slowly in seeking new relationships at this point on the trail. You really need to learn to be alone with yourself." ... "When you are ready to face life alone, then you are ready for marriage."
-Dumper-Dumpee Dynamics: "Dumpees experience more emotional pain at the point of separation." ... (Dumpers vs. Dumpees): "You can recover more rapidly if you accept your role." ... "The Dumper wants to work on personal growth. The Dumpee wants to work on the relationship." ... The divorce honeymoon period: "The Dumper is feeling much guilt, acting super nice, willing to give the Dumpee anything. The Dumpee is feeling rejected, anxious for the Dumper to come back, and afraid to express anger for fear it will drive the Dumper away. The Dumpee is acting nice also. Eventually anger replaces feelings of guilt in the Dumper and rejection in the Dumpee. Then the divorce honeymoon ends." ... "It is only during the first period of denial that the Dumpee will claim there was nothing wrong with the relationship."
-Grief: "One of the most useful questions on the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale asks about sighing often." ... "Suicidal feelings are common during divorce grief. Approximately three-fourths ... admit to experiencing suicidal thoughts during their divorce period." ... "Make a decision to manage the grief by deciding on an appropriate time and place to do grief work. ... Be sure you do grieve during the time you have set aside for grieving." ... "You have started working through the grief process when you admit, and express, the grief anger." ... "Allow the children to grieve. ... A parent who shows the child how to grieve is far more influential than a parent who tells the child about grieving." ... "Write a goodbye letter to what you are letting go."
-Anger: "The first step is to accept that it's okay to feel angry. ... Many of us grew up hearing that it's not permissible to feel angry. Now we have to re-learn that it's okay after all." "There is a powerful anger statement in the Fisher Divorce Adjustment Scale: 'I blame my former love partner for the ending of our love relationship.' People who have not yet dealt with their anger will completely agree with that statement." "What is appropriate anger? Anger that is in proportion to the present situation is appropriate." "If you, like most of us, had trouble expressing anger in your marriage, you're not likely to find it easier during the divorce process." "Save your anger for when it's important." "The average person going through the divorce process stays angry at their former spouse for three years. ... (After that point,) so many things that seemed important to us before just are not anymore."
-"When the dumper guilt and dumpee anger set in, the desire to stay friends begins to disappear." (This is a natural part of the process that's certainly held true in our case.) "It is advisable not to maintain the friendship during the early stage. Wait until after you have disentangled." Three important checkpoint questions: "I no longer become emotionally upset when I think about my former love partner. I have stopped trying to please my former love partner. ... I have given up my emotional commitment to my former love partner."
-"Key leftovers from the past: 1- family of origin issues, 2- influences of childhood experiences, 3- the confusing period of rebellion, and 4- the frustration and hopelessness of the power struggle." "'How many of you would like to have a marriage basically like your parents' marriage?' Less than five percent raise their hands." "Rebellion: One of the leftovers we carry from our early experiences is the unresolved need to establish ourselves as independent people by rebelling against our parents and their rules for us. If you or your partner carry that particular burden into your love relationship, it may have seriously jeopardized your chances of success." "External rebellion: They believe their partners are responsible for their unhappiness. ... They like doing things they didn't feel comfortable doing before. ... Their partners say, 'This isn't the same person I married." They like being under-responsible, after feeling so over-responsible all of their lives. ... They find people, perhaps just one person, they can talk to outside of the marriage. They tell their partners 'I could never talk to you, but I found this person who understands me and really listens to me.' Such people are usually younger and potential love partners. It looks like an affair, but those in external rebellion will usually deny having an affair. Although others may believe it is a sexual relationship, it is quite often a platonic one. The vocabulary of external rebellion often goes like this: 'I need to be out of this relationship so I can find myself. ... I need to find my own world and I don't want to continue to be sucked into your world. I want to be me. You remind me of my parent, and I don't want to be around anyone who is parental. I can smell a parent a mile away.' Partners of those in rebellion usually buy into each one of the behaviors, take it personally, and get bent out of shape emotionally and psychologically. What they need to do instead is sit back and watch the show, and become aware of how much change may be taking place in their mates. They need to realize that their mates are going through a growth process that has very little to do with them. The rebels are trying to get rid of people and relationships from their past, but they often dump their love partners in the process." ... "Rebellion is not an accident. The partner of a person in rebellion is usually parental. ... Their need for control makes it difficult for these folks to accept the rebel when he or she seems out of control. Instead of just waiting for the storm to blow over, the partner of a person in rebellion also needs to look inward, to take this opportunity to experience as much personal growth as possible." ... "The rebel needs opportunities to experiment with behavior, to try new styles of relating, and to interact with people other than the spouse. If the couple can understand directly what is happening, that the rebel is working on an internal conflict that has little to do with the spouse, it can free the work of growth and development to be done within the person rather than strain the love relationship. Rebelling love partners need to understand that their process of rebellion is an internal one, and not the responsibility of other people. Their partners need to work on healing their own inner child because their parenting and controlling behavior patterns result from unmet needs."
-"Many of us are 'half people', trying to love someone in order to become whole. Love coming from a whole person is more mature, and more likely to be lasting." "Falling in love to overcome loneliness is not actually love." ... On 'growing relationships': "Instead of asking yourself, 'Can I live with this person for the rest of my life?' Ask instead, 'Can this person and I benefit from some time together?'" ... 2 major steps: "Learning to be a single person, and learning to love again." ... "They are able to live their own lives. They have an abundance of life to share with the other person." ... "It is possible to grow from each relationship, and that is a positive way of looking at having had more than one marriage." ... "There are risks in making the other person responsible for your excitement and passion." "Living in the present is an indication of a self-actualized person." ... "During this period of rapid change, your foundation needs to be flexible, adaptable, changeable, allowing you to be different as you change. That isn't a suitable foundation for a long-term relationship. The 'contract' for a growing relationship is something like, 'I need this relationship so I can find out who I am.'" ... "Here are the actions that pave the way for a healthy termination: ... Living in the present, ... seeing this from the beginning as a short-term relationship, ... watch for clues that tell you it's time to move on, and let your partner know when they start to show up."
-"Your highest priority back in the divorce pits was to survive. You weren't thinking about setting any goals for the future. You were getting along from hour to hour, day by day." ... Consider the Lifeline activity, where you draw the past, present, and future of your life.
-"Most solid research indicates that, while children are likely to experience modestly negative outcomes from their parents' divorce early on, loving parents can help them prosper in the long run. The people who have done a better job of adjusting are typically better parents. Children whose parents are adjusting well tend to adjust better also." ... "When the children perceive their parents are strong enough, they take their turn at working through the adjustment process. ... They put their own adjustment process on hold as we go through ours. When we parents begin to sit back and relax because we think we are adjusted, feeling strong and over the divorce, look out! That's often when our children sense at some level that they can begin working on the rebuilding blocks." ... "Children's Rebuilding Blocks 1- I know what divorce is and what it means for me. 2- I'm finding out how to handle the changes I'm experiencing. 3- I'm letting my feelings out without hurting myself or others. 4- I know divorce is a grown-up problem."
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 5, 2021
it works!! (well I'm not divorced...I thought this was about breakups so I read it....it's about divorce...but it worked for me too lol)
March 16, 2023
This book is old but effective. It is the book followed in the separation divorce emotional support group by Daugh Carson and that is how I came to know about the book and the group. I started attending December 2021 and that group and this book became a huge emotional support system that combined with private theraphy and other resources allowed me to move on.
In my worst times I couldn't wait for the meeting where we would read some articles from this book, discussed and ask questions.
This is a great resource and I definetely recommend it to anyone going through a divorce.
A divorce might feel like a personal failure, but it is just a redirection.
In my worst times I couldn't wait for the meeting where we would read some articles from this book, discussed and ask questions.
This is a great resource and I definetely recommend it to anyone going through a divorce.
A divorce might feel like a personal failure, but it is just a redirection.
February 25, 2017
I wish I hadn't needed this book. (...if wishes were horses....)
My therapist had me read this book while going through my separation and divorce. I found the information to be useful and well laid out. At many points I found myself wondering "How did he know exactly what I was thinking?"
I am healthier for reading this book and feel better equipped for healthier relationships in the future.
I strongly recommend this book as part of a healing process for anyone dealing with the end of a relationship.
My therapist had me read this book while going through my separation and divorce. I found the information to be useful and well laid out. At many points I found myself wondering "How did he know exactly what I was thinking?"
I am healthier for reading this book and feel better equipped for healthier relationships in the future.
I strongly recommend this book as part of a healing process for anyone dealing with the end of a relationship.
July 16, 2012
Have read this book several times, each in a book-study group. Have learned much about myself, relationships, and others. Each time I read this, discover what areas I need to work on a little deeper in order to move forward in a positive way. Also, found that with each book study, using different color highlighters for excerpts help to visualize what is, was or might still be an issue.
First read in summer/fall 2005; again in spring 2007; winter 2008
First read in summer/fall 2005; again in spring 2007; winter 2008
September 5, 2013
This is one of my favorite books of all time. I have loaned it out to hundreds of clients who were trying to move on from a relationship. Although it is written towards divorce, I have found it just as useful for widows/widowers. Warning: Don't read it like a book. Read a chapter and then spend some time with that chapter then move to the next. When you get to the end, read it again. It will help!
Author of The Jessica Hart Series
JennBrink.com
Author of The Jessica Hart Series
JennBrink.com
June 3, 2015
Finished! Apparently, I am now the butterfly at the top of the mountain, free to fly and land where I choose. By far the most challenging, and therapeutic,exercise in this book was drafting a goodbye letter to my ex-partner, reading that letter to a sharing partner, and then destroying the letter. Onward to the next chapter in my life!
February 26, 2019
Brilliant
Essential reading when going through a challenging divorce to help you deal with the emotional side!
Thank you so much!
Essential reading when going through a challenging divorce to help you deal with the emotional side!
Thank you so much!
January 23, 2020
This is a solid three stars for the important advice contained inside about coming to terms with the end of a love relationship. I added a star for the “climbing a mountain” metaphor used throughout. As a novice outdoor/hiking enthusiast, this resonated with me.
I think it’s also a good thing that each chapter ends with some discussion on children of divorce and how they may handle the various stages of grief and change. I don’t have kids but I think it’s still good info.
I really appreciated the “healing separation” chapter at the end. This is something not talked about enough in our society.
I took off a star for the very cis- and hetero-normative language used in this book. It talks almost exclusively about hetero couples. When it discusses pursuing friendships and dates it talks about “both sexes” and “the opposite sex” - this is dated and non-inclusive language that made it difficult for me to want to keep reading or take the material seriously.
Ultimately however, this book was helpful for me. It took me a while to get through it as I worked through my own separation. I would put it down and come back to it as I was able. I worked my way through some of the exercises. I already had therapy in place, and the book is no substitute for that. But the overarching message of loving yourself and working through your own issues is a good one.
I think it’s also a good thing that each chapter ends with some discussion on children of divorce and how they may handle the various stages of grief and change. I don’t have kids but I think it’s still good info.
I really appreciated the “healing separation” chapter at the end. This is something not talked about enough in our society.
I took off a star for the very cis- and hetero-normative language used in this book. It talks almost exclusively about hetero couples. When it discusses pursuing friendships and dates it talks about “both sexes” and “the opposite sex” - this is dated and non-inclusive language that made it difficult for me to want to keep reading or take the material seriously.
Ultimately however, this book was helpful for me. It took me a while to get through it as I worked through my own separation. I would put it down and come back to it as I was able. I worked my way through some of the exercises. I already had therapy in place, and the book is no substitute for that. But the overarching message of loving yourself and working through your own issues is a good one.
July 9, 2021
This book mentions a number of ways of healing, as it is not religion based (I quite love that fact) I do lean towards the fact that humans will always have a “desire” factor embedded in their brains, perhaps in some section should have included suggestions upon reaching a spiritual goal, and I say spiritual as in whatever practice you have that gives you serenity/peace with a non dependent type method. I suggest meditative practice in general. I not only believe theoretically but scientifically it’s beneficial to have a higher state of awareness within your thought process. I believe this is crucial to any form of mental healing process.
November 12, 2018
I just finished a year long divorce battle. I am still struggling with custody, property settlements, and mediation. This book has been an invaluable resource in helping me understand the stages of grief and recovery involved in the death of a marriage.
The grief I experienced has also helped me come to terms with the growing pains from recovering from a childhood of neglect. I am now working towards self care so that I can be a better parent to myself and my children. This book and therapy are ultimately helping me build a brighter future with an equal and kind partner down the road.
The grief I experienced has also helped me come to terms with the growing pains from recovering from a childhood of neglect. I am now working towards self care so that I can be a better parent to myself and my children. This book and therapy are ultimately helping me build a brighter future with an equal and kind partner down the road.
April 28, 2020
This book can be helpful for anyone experience loss of relationship. It's not necessarily going to tell you what to do to feel better instantly, but it does give you things to think about so you can process all the different feelings and thoughts in productive ways rather than getting bogged down in them. All of the chapters have a kind of checklist at the end for the reader to gauge how he or she is doing in all of that processing, and some of the chapters have homework-type exercises that are really helpful.
August 22, 2024
This book was provided to me by my company Employee Assistance Program when I reached out for support through my divorce. As someone who had been through transformative psychological therapy, it was the perfect guide through a very painful and difficult time.
Grab a journal, and a nice pen, and work through the process.
I read this book almost 9 years ago now. I am happy, thriving, successful, my children are thriving...books like this can help if you are ready to put in the time and effort to find the personal value in it.
Grab a journal, and a nice pen, and work through the process.
I read this book almost 9 years ago now. I am happy, thriving, successful, my children are thriving...books like this can help if you are ready to put in the time and effort to find the personal value in it.
Read
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May 24, 2018
Another “how to overcome grief” book. It is very long. It says it can take years (if you work on it) or a lifetime (if you don’t) to recover from the loss of a mate, lost either to death or divorce. There are lots of steps recommended in this writing and the warning not to try to skip any of them. Lots of work here for those already traumatized.
January 11, 2019
This is a MUST read for folks who go thru divorce and separation. Bruce Fisher co-found the support group called "Divorce and Separated" (D&S for short) here in Columbus Ohio years ago. It was run by Susan Scherr and over the years this support group helped thousands of people found their way to freedom from their unexpected life changes.
April 24, 2022
Lifesaving healing from divorce or any trauma
This book draws together all the personal growth work I've done in life, especially as my 30 year marriage has ended. I healed immensely as I worked thru the homework at the end of each chapter. Illuminating & healing! I believe it's necessary for all people going through divorce or even just the end of a relationship.
This book draws together all the personal growth work I've done in life, especially as my 30 year marriage has ended. I healed immensely as I worked thru the homework at the end of each chapter. Illuminating & healing! I believe it's necessary for all people going through divorce or even just the end of a relationship.
March 23, 2023
Long and a bit dry at times. But overall well written with some great prompts to get you to think.
Also, while not relevant to me, each chapter and topic had a section at the end dedicated to children. So as you, the individual, is working on rebuilding you can also help your children do the same.
Also, while not relevant to me, each chapter and topic had a section at the end dedicated to children. So as you, the individual, is working on rebuilding you can also help your children do the same.
November 23, 2025
Just I needed
This was one of several books recommended for me, as I've recently separated from a 16years relationship. There are some thought provoking items and it is definitely a book I will be re-reading. Again, this is just what I needed to gain some perspective for this transitional stage I'm in - Thanks
This was one of several books recommended for me, as I've recently separated from a 16years relationship. There are some thought provoking items and it is definitely a book I will be re-reading. Again, this is just what I needed to gain some perspective for this transitional stage I'm in - Thanks
November 26, 2021
This was a rec from a counselor and the most helpful book I read coming out of a painful breakup. The relationship was painful; the breakup was devastating. I wish I had had this book before the whole thing started as it put a lot in perspective for me that I wasn’t able to get while I was in it.
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