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Six Conversations We're Scared to Have: How to change minds, including your own
From the bestselling author of
The Guilty Feminist
, a book about how to change minds - including your own
'An essential guide for fostering nuanced and intricate conversations in today's polarized society' GILLIAN ANDERSON
'The book we need right now about the dilemmas of our time. Deborah's insight & clarity gives us something to aspire to' DAVID TENNANT
'A bold and timely manifesto for dialogue over division' JEMIMA KHAN
'If you have ever felt shut down, this book is a godsend' EMMA THOMPSON
'Finally! A book to succinctly express the complexity of our age. Fiercely intellectual, thought provoking and inspiring' TOM ALLEN
'Compassionate, rigorous, electric!'' TRAVIS ALABANZA
***
Are you ready to talk?
Why have disagreements become so flammable?
Why are progressive people calling for censorship in comedy?
How has the so-called 'transgender debate' become so toxic and what can we do to help?
How is our empathy being manipulated by the internet?
How does AI operate like a psychopath?
How do we achieve progress in today's, y'know, screaming hellscape?
We are understandably scared to have difficult conversations right now. But comedian and bestselling writer Deborah Frances-White is even more scared of not having them.
Having grown up in a cult which shut down any dissent, Deborah sees the same tactics being used in our rapidly changing society. She knows the value of freedom of speech, critical thinking and the ability to argue well. And as the host of hit podcast The Guilty Feminist, she has been having difficult conversations in public for almost a decade.
In her new, urgent page-turner Deborah examines how the world has come to this and what we can actually do about it. Most importantly, she explores how to change minds, including our own. Deborah invites us to boldly meet this moment in history with hope, clarity and courage. She has written, as Desiree Burch says, 'a book to leave you transformed.'
***
'A wonderful invitation to open your mind, open your heart and let some nuance and compassion in' MARY ANN SIEGHART
'A must read. In a world full of noise and confusion, this book illuminates a pathway to real debate' JULIA GILLARD
'Humane, rigorous and important' BRIDGET CHRISTIE
''I can't believe that the best conversation I've ever had about some of the most heated topics of today, was with this book' DAN SCHREIBER
'Stimulating, challenging, disarming, original, pithy, gritty and witty - a must read' KATHY LETTE
'An essential guide for fostering nuanced and intricate conversations in today's polarized society' GILLIAN ANDERSON
'The book we need right now about the dilemmas of our time. Deborah's insight & clarity gives us something to aspire to' DAVID TENNANT
'A bold and timely manifesto for dialogue over division' JEMIMA KHAN
'If you have ever felt shut down, this book is a godsend' EMMA THOMPSON
'Finally! A book to succinctly express the complexity of our age. Fiercely intellectual, thought provoking and inspiring' TOM ALLEN
'Compassionate, rigorous, electric!'' TRAVIS ALABANZA
***
Are you ready to talk?
Why have disagreements become so flammable?
Why are progressive people calling for censorship in comedy?
How has the so-called 'transgender debate' become so toxic and what can we do to help?
How is our empathy being manipulated by the internet?
How does AI operate like a psychopath?
How do we achieve progress in today's, y'know, screaming hellscape?
We are understandably scared to have difficult conversations right now. But comedian and bestselling writer Deborah Frances-White is even more scared of not having them.
Having grown up in a cult which shut down any dissent, Deborah sees the same tactics being used in our rapidly changing society. She knows the value of freedom of speech, critical thinking and the ability to argue well. And as the host of hit podcast The Guilty Feminist, she has been having difficult conversations in public for almost a decade.
In her new, urgent page-turner Deborah examines how the world has come to this and what we can actually do about it. Most importantly, she explores how to change minds, including our own. Deborah invites us to boldly meet this moment in history with hope, clarity and courage. She has written, as Desiree Burch says, 'a book to leave you transformed.'
***
'A wonderful invitation to open your mind, open your heart and let some nuance and compassion in' MARY ANN SIEGHART
'A must read. In a world full of noise and confusion, this book illuminates a pathway to real debate' JULIA GILLARD
'Humane, rigorous and important' BRIDGET CHRISTIE
''I can't believe that the best conversation I've ever had about some of the most heated topics of today, was with this book' DAN SCHREIBER
'Stimulating, challenging, disarming, original, pithy, gritty and witty - a must read' KATHY LETTE
Audible Audio
Published April 3, 2025
181 people are currently reading
1163 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
April 4, 2025
I feel like the last remaining bit of my frontal lobe developed as I was reading this book lol
The most refreshingly specific to NOW non-fiction I have read. Everything is changing so rapidly, and it is such a relief for someone to courageously and sensitively take hold of some of the most delicate social and political issues and explore them in such an intelligent and compassionate way.
The most refreshingly specific to NOW non-fiction I have read. Everything is changing so rapidly, and it is such a relief for someone to courageously and sensitively take hold of some of the most delicate social and political issues and explore them in such an intelligent and compassionate way.
April 9, 2025
This is a very white book written for white people, it's a decent start, but there's a lot missing. As an older (Gen X) nonbinary person, the conversation about trans and nonbinary people was about 80% right, but she dropped the ball suggesting TERF is a slur. It has never been, and will never become, a slur. Given the level of violence TERFS have and wish on trans and nonbinary people, the acronym will remain firmly in my lexicon.
Additionally, whilst JK Rowling is mentioned in relation to trans and nonbinary people, she is NOT identified as someone who has caused our community a great deal of pain and hate. This absolutely SHOULD have been noted, because she was very much a catalyst when she used and continues to use, her gigantic platform to hate on us. Not stating this, was a cowardly move.
Additionally, whilst JK Rowling is mentioned in relation to trans and nonbinary people, she is NOT identified as someone who has caused our community a great deal of pain and hate. This absolutely SHOULD have been noted, because she was very much a catalyst when she used and continues to use, her gigantic platform to hate on us. Not stating this, was a cowardly move.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 12, 2025
Everyone should read this book. Huge thanks to Deborah Frances-White for unpicking many of the difficult issues of our time (trans rights, patriarchy, race, feminism, cancel culture), and challenging some of my perceptions. I’m a better person for reading this book.
April 18, 2025
It seems like I’m the only person who didn’t enjoy this book, so take this with a grain of salt but I hated this. It was unnecessarily long, centred around the author’s own experiences which I felt didn’t add anything to the argument that was trying to be made. It was also packed full of different examples, yes it’s great to illustrate things and place them in history but this made it so dense and hard to get through, boring at points and unnecessarily long to make the point. It’s also important to bear in mind that despite referring extensively to social change movements, this book is centred around how to talk to people who have different viewpoints from you- yet referencing all the times in history when change has come from direct action and fairly unnuanced stand points because that is how progress is made.
This was full of hot takes which I didn’t agree with eg. her own individual experience of trigger warnings not being useful, and her idea tinstead we should be working through our triggers because there’s ‘no evidence isolated words can be triggering’ (paraphrased). I really disagree with this- it’s about giving people the power to choose to engage with content that may be upsetting. Don’t spring your idea of ‘healing’ on people. Also found the obsession with ‘stamm’ so irritating and still feel a bit confused about what it’s meant to mean.
I don’t necessarily feel like Deborah Francis White was the best person to write this book- it felt like someone on their high horse policing activism without truly understanding the motives behind taking certain stands. Nuance is often used as a bureaucratic block to prevent immediate action. Sometimes something is unjust and needs something immediate and the idea of sitting down and having these nuanced conversations comes later (eg. I don’t believe there can be a nuanced argument about a genocide or things where there is clearly one side)- but I’m willing to acknowledge that maybe this book is targeting me and maybe I should lead with nuance rather than feeling. If that’s the case then this book didn’t convince me to change my opinion. Quite frankly I found it hard to get through and boring. Some absolutely wild comparisons (eg. The founding fathers and individuals unable to buy devices without slave labour in China). And ‘History doesn’t have a clear right side’- errrrrrr there have always been people throughout history opposing bad things happening. There is no excuse for ignoring known injustices.
I do agree with some of this eg. The lack of inclusivity or forgiveness in activism isolating people but I just really didn’t get on with this. Maybe it’s because I listened to it in audiobook and the intonation felt a bit patronising, maybe this is targeted at me and I felt defensive. I don’t have the answers but I know I think all the celebrity reviews (notably from people not super engaged in activism) have overrated this.
This was full of hot takes which I didn’t agree with eg. her own individual experience of trigger warnings not being useful, and her idea tinstead we should be working through our triggers because there’s ‘no evidence isolated words can be triggering’ (paraphrased). I really disagree with this- it’s about giving people the power to choose to engage with content that may be upsetting. Don’t spring your idea of ‘healing’ on people. Also found the obsession with ‘stamm’ so irritating and still feel a bit confused about what it’s meant to mean.
I don’t necessarily feel like Deborah Francis White was the best person to write this book- it felt like someone on their high horse policing activism without truly understanding the motives behind taking certain stands. Nuance is often used as a bureaucratic block to prevent immediate action. Sometimes something is unjust and needs something immediate and the idea of sitting down and having these nuanced conversations comes later (eg. I don’t believe there can be a nuanced argument about a genocide or things where there is clearly one side)- but I’m willing to acknowledge that maybe this book is targeting me and maybe I should lead with nuance rather than feeling. If that’s the case then this book didn’t convince me to change my opinion. Quite frankly I found it hard to get through and boring. Some absolutely wild comparisons (eg. The founding fathers and individuals unable to buy devices without slave labour in China). And ‘History doesn’t have a clear right side’- errrrrrr there have always been people throughout history opposing bad things happening. There is no excuse for ignoring known injustices.
I do agree with some of this eg. The lack of inclusivity or forgiveness in activism isolating people but I just really didn’t get on with this. Maybe it’s because I listened to it in audiobook and the intonation felt a bit patronising, maybe this is targeted at me and I felt defensive. I don’t have the answers but I know I think all the celebrity reviews (notably from people not super engaged in activism) have overrated this.
April 14, 2025
A really excellent book, I really enjoyed it, as someone who does her best to avoid non-fiction!
Even if you don’t agree with every opinion/position DFW espouses, it really doesn’t matter - that’s quite literally not at all the point - she’s trying to get you to think critically, to develop flexibility in your reasoning, and develop your empathy so you can engage people in debate, champion your cause, and influence people to your way of thinking. It also espouses hope at a time where it can be so easy to wallow in self-defeat.
Even if you don’t agree with every opinion/position DFW espouses, it really doesn’t matter - that’s quite literally not at all the point - she’s trying to get you to think critically, to develop flexibility in your reasoning, and develop your empathy so you can engage people in debate, champion your cause, and influence people to your way of thinking. It also espouses hope at a time where it can be so easy to wallow in self-defeat.
May 18, 2025
5.0 deeply thought provoking and invites questions. Deborah articulates everything in such simple and logical ways that it’s truly as art. Discusses major topics dividing society right now and gives structure on how to navigate those conversations.
April 8, 2025
loves this book, really brings the conversation to the tables, ideas on how to have these discussions and why it's important to have them, one of the most interesting and intelligent books I've read in a long while. well done!
April 17, 2025
A fascinating, important, and deeply thoughtful read
June 23, 2025
This is a wonderful, powerful, and above all necessary book. By demonstrating clearly the importance of "reaching across the aisle", making genuine attempts to understand and share ideas, and retaining our basic humanity in interactions with all others, the author works towards the imperative goal of healing the divisions inherent in our polarised society.
This book will be a birthday present for more or less everyone I know for the foreseeable future, and I wish that everyone were able to read it.
This book will be a birthday present for more or less everyone I know for the foreseeable future, and I wish that everyone were able to read it.
June 6, 2025
I was disappointed with this book as I felt there was a lot of repetition of the main ideas and a huge amount of specific examples, which made it slightly jarring to go from flowing rhetoric about circles of empathy to a load of numbers about eugenics (for example). As other reviewers have mentioned, I found the audiobook to be slightly patronising and I was surprised as I am an avid listener of DFW's podcast, so was taken aback by the tone of this book. A good idea in principle, but it wasn't for me.
June 11, 2025
A really important thinking companion!
June 27, 2025
Loved this book. Deborah is just so smart, eloquent and always tirelessly fighting for the cause. Sorry to hear about the right wing backlash when trying to have smart conversations.
May 31, 2025
A thought provoking must read for current times.
May 26, 2025
Thoughtful and nuanced.
May 26, 2025
A wonderful plea to use our empathy as a tool against the far right, with practical and theoretical examples.
May 20, 2025
As a cult survivor and an activist I really related to this book. But I wish everyone would read it! It feels like it’s letting air back into the room of social justice culture. It’s getting stifling in there. A sure sign that the book ‘worked’ was that I found myself wishing White would engage philosophically more with the gender critical arguments in the relevant chapter - and I’m a trans person! Empathising and fraternising with a TERF? God forbid! There’s too many gems here to quote - and this five star review also doesn’t mean the book is perfect. Go read it.
May 20, 2025
Please read this book.
As always Deborah is articulate, curious and thoughtful, open-minded and compassionate. We could all take a page out of this book (literally and figuratively), to try and understand why people might have different views to us, and how we can try and respond/react in a meaningful way rather than just shouting back.
As always Deborah is articulate, curious and thoughtful, open-minded and compassionate. We could all take a page out of this book (literally and figuratively), to try and understand why people might have different views to us, and how we can try and respond/react in a meaningful way rather than just shouting back.
May 20, 2025
Excellent. 4.5 stars.
April 16, 2025
Outstanding. *Everyone* should read this book, and that includes you. Yes, you, reading this review. I have spare copies if you want to borrow one.
If we're going to make a better world, we need to be compassionate, curious, radical, and pragmatic. The author expertly pulls a consistent thread through some of the thorniest issues of our time - cancel culture, free speech, gender non-conformity, how to respond to historical injustices - and gives us the tools to do better.
This should be a core foundational text for anyone who wants to change the world for the better. Read it, share it, practice it, live it.
If we're going to make a better world, we need to be compassionate, curious, radical, and pragmatic. The author expertly pulls a consistent thread through some of the thorniest issues of our time - cancel culture, free speech, gender non-conformity, how to respond to historical injustices - and gives us the tools to do better.
This should be a core foundational text for anyone who wants to change the world for the better. Read it, share it, practice it, live it.
Read
May 15, 2025Absolutely loved this book, I learnt so much reading this and it’s what the world needs right now
July 4, 2025
I honestly bought this because I love Deborah Frances-White and her podcast, but this turned out to be one of those rare books that stay with you long after you’ve finished it. In fact, I don’t think I’m the same person I was when I first started reading it—especially when it comes to engaging with people who don’t share my core values.
This is such an essential and insightful read, and I know Deborah is an atheist, but this really is a true 'Bible' for those who have chosen social justice as their true religion.
This is such an essential and insightful read, and I know Deborah is an atheist, but this really is a true 'Bible' for those who have chosen social justice as their true religion.
May 14, 2025
Audiobook.
In a world that feels like it’s regressing, everyone should read this book. An encouragement to bring back nuance and critical thinking, as well as evoke compassion and empathy. We all need this.
In a world that feels like it’s regressing, everyone should read this book. An encouragement to bring back nuance and critical thinking, as well as evoke compassion and empathy. We all need this.
April 8, 2025
loved this, intelligent, clever and with humour, breaks down those conversations, how to have them and gives great insight as to why we need to have them, a perfect book for the times.
May 9, 2025
Funny, insightful and nuanced. A great starting point to a more inclusive society
July 20, 2025
Very dense and at times had my cranium baffled (Ben LI 2025 ty). But worth a read re how to navigate a v polarised world with critical thinking and kindness
July 7, 2025
Big fan of Debs and her big thoughts and big words.
October 11, 2025
I found this such a useful and practical guide to reflecting on how we engage with others on challenging issues we face today. There are many important takeaways from this book, not least of which is looking in the mirror first. I am off to begin
June 10, 2025
loved it!!! so funny and easy to follow. I like how it is so accessible and grounded in research. highly reccomend.
May 11, 2025
This book is the author’s call for conversation, temperance, critical thinking, understanding, compassion and tolerance. I bought this book as I have been feeling similarly about society - Why does everything seem so polarised? Why is everyone seemingly so angry? How can I learn more about some of these issues and what do I need to know about topics that I don’t understand?
I do consider myself a feminist, so resonated with much of what Frances-White writes, but there were multiple points of disagreement. Although she has attempted to write the chapters and balance all sides of an argument, her position on some topics was evident to see. However, she also achieved her stated goal of challenging assumptions. This book is a portal into wider views, looking at problems from another position, time, place or person. It is well-researched and provides evidence in the form of stories supported by source material that can be used in future conversations on these topics.
Why not a 5-star read (for me)? I’d consider myself comfortably within the target audience for this book, but found it a little inaccessible at times. The chapters - especially the conversation on gender nonconformity - are very long, and I feel would have benefited from being broken down. The writing style is itself conversational, but a little difficult to follow, jumping between ideas with only tenuous links. My concern for the book is that this will stymie readers from progressing, finishing and/or truly investing in the valuable content. Even having finished it, I feel it deserves a second read for me to fully digest what the author is trying to say, and I’m not convinced that it will hold the attention of some who would truly benefit from the learning and thought experimentation it could provoke.
I do consider myself a feminist, so resonated with much of what Frances-White writes, but there were multiple points of disagreement. Although she has attempted to write the chapters and balance all sides of an argument, her position on some topics was evident to see. However, she also achieved her stated goal of challenging assumptions. This book is a portal into wider views, looking at problems from another position, time, place or person. It is well-researched and provides evidence in the form of stories supported by source material that can be used in future conversations on these topics.
Why not a 5-star read (for me)? I’d consider myself comfortably within the target audience for this book, but found it a little inaccessible at times. The chapters - especially the conversation on gender nonconformity - are very long, and I feel would have benefited from being broken down. The writing style is itself conversational, but a little difficult to follow, jumping between ideas with only tenuous links. My concern for the book is that this will stymie readers from progressing, finishing and/or truly investing in the valuable content. Even having finished it, I feel it deserves a second read for me to fully digest what the author is trying to say, and I’m not convinced that it will hold the attention of some who would truly benefit from the learning and thought experimentation it could provoke.
April 18, 2025
Disclaimer - fan of the poddy.
Look I loved it. But I am the target market - I was maybe hoping for more guidance on how to have the conversations and less convincing on DFWs position on tricky subjects.
That being said this was more nuanced than similar books I've read, less judgemental and more action oriented.
Look I loved it. But I am the target market - I was maybe hoping for more guidance on how to have the conversations and less convincing on DFWs position on tricky subjects.
That being said this was more nuanced than similar books I've read, less judgemental and more action oriented.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews