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When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships
A world-renowned therapist, Mira Kirshenbaum has treated thousands of men and women caught in the powerful drama over what to do when an affair reaches into their emotional lives. Now, in When Good People Have Affairs , Kirshenbaum puts her unsurpassed experience into one clear, calming place. She gives readers everything they need to cut through the thickets of fear, hurt and confusion to find their ways to happier, more solid relationships with the person who’s right for them. For example, Kirshenbaum identifies seventeen types of affairs, helping readers figure out which type they’re in and what it means. Is it --“See-if” affair?
--Ejector-seat affair?
--Distraction affair?
--Unmet-needs affair?
--Panic affair? Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions
--What am I missing in my marriage?
--How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?
--How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both ? She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.
--Ejector-seat affair?
--Distraction affair?
--Unmet-needs affair?
--Panic affair? Kirshenbaum encourages honest answers to such questions
--What am I missing in my marriage?
--How do I decide between two people when it’s like comparing an apple to an orange?
--How do I decide to end my marriage, end my affair, or end them both ? She leads readers through six easy-to-navigate steps that will take anyone from anxiety to clarity. When Good People Have Affairs will be a lifeline to any man or woman who feels caught between two lovers, and its insights are indispensable to anyone else touched by an affair.
272 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
127 people are currently reading
467 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
May 20, 2014
This is one of the best books I wish I never needed to read.
If you are involved in an affair, then you know it’s a confusing situation. You don’t feel like a bad person, but you’re hurting people. You can’t make sense of anything you’re feeling, and you wonder if you can even trust your feelings as they change day to day. You once seemed to have your life put together, but now you can see the fragile threads from which it hung. If this sounds like you, I highly recommend this book.
Kirshenbaum guides you through this confusing situation by helping you understand your motives, what they mean, and the steps to figure out how to proceed. Her prose is clear and conversational, and most importantly, nonjudgmental.
Many self-help books about affairs want to label your situation and sell your childhood to you as the diagnosis. Some people might be helped by this approach, but not me. I wanted someone to speak plainly and give a no-bullshit assessment of my situation. Kirshenbaum has studied numerous situations over the years, and her wisdom is evident in this book. Not only does she speak to what all affairs have in common, she also manages to speak to your situation depending on your circumstances, all without having to delve into childhood trauma or psychoanalysis.
I can honestly credit this book for helping me get my life back on track. Every chapter was exactly what I needed to hear: the motives that drive affairs, the guidelines to help decide who you need to be with, the steps to regaining trust, and how to move forward in any situation. No one has ever laid it out so clearly.
If you’re in an affair or thinking about having one, I highly recommend this book. I hesitated on whether to add this book on Goodreads, but if my recommendation can help someone in this situation, then it was worth the hit on my pride.
If you are involved in an affair, then you know it’s a confusing situation. You don’t feel like a bad person, but you’re hurting people. You can’t make sense of anything you’re feeling, and you wonder if you can even trust your feelings as they change day to day. You once seemed to have your life put together, but now you can see the fragile threads from which it hung. If this sounds like you, I highly recommend this book.
Kirshenbaum guides you through this confusing situation by helping you understand your motives, what they mean, and the steps to figure out how to proceed. Her prose is clear and conversational, and most importantly, nonjudgmental.
Many self-help books about affairs want to label your situation and sell your childhood to you as the diagnosis. Some people might be helped by this approach, but not me. I wanted someone to speak plainly and give a no-bullshit assessment of my situation. Kirshenbaum has studied numerous situations over the years, and her wisdom is evident in this book. Not only does she speak to what all affairs have in common, she also manages to speak to your situation depending on your circumstances, all without having to delve into childhood trauma or psychoanalysis.
I can honestly credit this book for helping me get my life back on track. Every chapter was exactly what I needed to hear: the motives that drive affairs, the guidelines to help decide who you need to be with, the steps to regaining trust, and how to move forward in any situation. No one has ever laid it out so clearly.
If you’re in an affair or thinking about having one, I highly recommend this book. I hesitated on whether to add this book on Goodreads, but if my recommendation can help someone in this situation, then it was worth the hit on my pride.
May 31, 2011
Instead of playing the blame game, Kirshenbaum takes the productive route and helps guide people in affairs to make the decisions they need to in order to move on, whether it's with their partner, with their new partner, or with neither of them. One of the most helpful points in this book is the way guilt cripples those in affairs, clouding their judgment and making them unable to move on for fear of hurting either person they are invovled with. The book then moves on to examine all parties in the love triangle to determine in a clear-headed way what is the best resolution to the situation for everyone involved, including yourself. This book simply amazed me at helpful and non-judgemental this book is. If you're involved in an affair, you need to read this book. It sidsteps the sickening haze of guilt and indecision, and in a non-biased way guides you the resolution that will be best for your long-term mental health.
(And if those of you who know me in real life are wondering if something's up with me & my husband, I actually picked this up as research for a story I'm writing, so no need to fear for the residents of Slacktopia.)
(And if those of you who know me in real life are wondering if something's up with me & my husband, I actually picked this up as research for a story I'm writing, so no need to fear for the residents of Slacktopia.)
February 13, 2011
I picked this up for my wife to read, as it promised to guide the reader to the best of one of three choices. Unfortunately, she went off to Idaho with her lover anyway, so this book was a bit of a disappointment. I couldn't get into reading it properly (all the way through) but skimming through it yielded some good stuff. I particularly like the five things your relationship must have to survive (let's see if I remember them correctly): mutual respect; comfortable connections; physical attraction; a sense of safety; and fun. Could be useful while looking for someone new. All that and commitment and you can rule the world together.
This seems to be a really excellent book on the subject.
This seems to be a really excellent book on the subject.
September 7, 2008
This is a self-help book for people having affairs. Not the spouses, not another pop psychology book about why people cheat, no, it essentially asks the question, so you're having an affair. Now what? I picked this book up because I, like many people, saw the subtitle and said what, really? Really?
The book opens with an explanation of why you help these people--true, they're the ones who essentially punched their primary relationship in the face, they're the ones inflicting huge emotional damage on everyone close to them. But, as Kirshenbaum points out, most people having an affair feel absolutely awful about it. And since they feel they should be punished for what they've done, they make the worst possible decisions--decisions that don't just hurt them, but hurt everyone else as much as possible. They tend to be wracked by indecision, and drag out the process of ending one of the relationships for agonizing months (or years), even after everyone knows what's going on. So yes, you need to help these people, if only to lessen the emotional toll on everyone around them.
By far the most interesting section of the book is on the seventeen types of affairs. Having an affair is a terrible way to figure out what's wrong with your primary relationship (like amateur heart surgery, she says), but now that you've done it, you might as well learn what you can about yourself and your relationship. And no, most affairs are not about sex, whatever Hollywood tells you.
The rest is a mix of more general advice on evaluating your relationships, how to break up with someone, how to talk kids about divorce (with the added wrinkle that you will be cast as the villain in this piece if you choose to leave your spouse for your lover, even if the marriage was doomed long before the affair), how to heal and rebuild trust (and no, apologizing a lot isn't enough--all that does is says your remorse is more important than their feelings), all tailored to the particular situation of someone in two relationships.
The writing is clear, and it reads fast, though Kirshenbaum often retreads the same ground--one gets the impression she's used to beating these points into the thick skulls of her patients. Nonetheless, it's a really interesting look at the reality of affairs, and is full of practical advice that could just as easily be applied to a faithful person who has hit a rough patch in their long term relationship.
The book opens with an explanation of why you help these people--true, they're the ones who essentially punched their primary relationship in the face, they're the ones inflicting huge emotional damage on everyone close to them. But, as Kirshenbaum points out, most people having an affair feel absolutely awful about it. And since they feel they should be punished for what they've done, they make the worst possible decisions--decisions that don't just hurt them, but hurt everyone else as much as possible. They tend to be wracked by indecision, and drag out the process of ending one of the relationships for agonizing months (or years), even after everyone knows what's going on. So yes, you need to help these people, if only to lessen the emotional toll on everyone around them.
By far the most interesting section of the book is on the seventeen types of affairs. Having an affair is a terrible way to figure out what's wrong with your primary relationship (like amateur heart surgery, she says), but now that you've done it, you might as well learn what you can about yourself and your relationship. And no, most affairs are not about sex, whatever Hollywood tells you.
The rest is a mix of more general advice on evaluating your relationships, how to break up with someone, how to talk kids about divorce (with the added wrinkle that you will be cast as the villain in this piece if you choose to leave your spouse for your lover, even if the marriage was doomed long before the affair), how to heal and rebuild trust (and no, apologizing a lot isn't enough--all that does is says your remorse is more important than their feelings), all tailored to the particular situation of someone in two relationships.
The writing is clear, and it reads fast, though Kirshenbaum often retreads the same ground--one gets the impression she's used to beating these points into the thick skulls of her patients. Nonetheless, it's a really interesting look at the reality of affairs, and is full of practical advice that could just as easily be applied to a faithful person who has hit a rough patch in their long term relationship.
February 28, 2009
I saw this book at the store and the cover and title intrigued me. Not unlike many others, my life has been touched by infidelity in several ways, with friends and family members. This is written in an interesting perspective--it is written expressly for someone who is in the middle of an affair. There is a section on discerning what type of affair it is (there are seventeen types) as well as sections on relationship chemistry, breaking up, moving on, etc. The author has various thinking exercises developed to help the person involved in the relationships to decide which relationship to continue and which one to quit and even to recognize when neither relationship is right. The one major point I disagreed with was when the author said to keep silent about an affair if there was no chance of the primary partner finding out and if the affair ended. Her rationale behind it was fairly sound thinking, but I just don't think that is an appropriate choice.
The author has over thirty years of clinical and family/couples therapy experience. She has been through this with patients/clients over and over again. I do think that she has a good grasp on the emotions and rationales of someone in this situation. I strongly recommend this book for people who are searching for helpful information.
The author has over thirty years of clinical and family/couples therapy experience. She has been through this with patients/clients over and over again. I do think that she has a good grasp on the emotions and rationales of someone in this situation. I strongly recommend this book for people who are searching for helpful information.
June 29, 2013
When Good People Have Affairs answers a simple question; I’m having an affair, what should I do? Step by step Kirshenbaum walks the reader through how good people make bad decisions, how to choose a lover or a partner, how to break up, and how to heal. I’ve never read a book about this but it’s so incredibly useful because it does exactly what it promises it will do (unlike a person who had an affair, but that irony is the stuff of another type of post). She outlines 17 different types of affairs then tells you whether you should stay or go depending on the type of affair you’re having. She writes that if you haven’t had unprotected sex with your lover and if there’s no imminent chance that your spouse will find out that you shouldn’t confess to an affair. Do no harm is more important than tell the truth. She offers five characteristics of chemistry and tells you that you have to have all five (easy connections, fun, safety, mutual respect, and physical chemistry) to be happy in a relationship. She provides four characteristics to consider when you are comparing partners (who the people are in themselves, what your relationship is with each one, what your lifestyle would be for each, who you are with each) reminding the reader to compare apples to apples to make a proper comparison. There’s a table where you tally scores and if none of that works, there’s a section on how to determine what is closest to your heart and how to follow it. She addresses how to deal with your children when there’s a divorce because of an affair in a very honest and sensitive way. Actually, Kirshenbaum’s advice on how to choose between two people is great advice for a person choosing just one person. Her work on how to heal can apply to romantic, familial, and friendship relationships. In addition to all the practical information here, I like her. She’s witty. Her metaphors are really funny and she’s honest. She writes the book like a journey, lots of “come with me”, “you’ll soon see,” and “check it out.” She helped me trust her enough to follow her. I concluded that she’s a very wise woman in life in general in addition to having had the myriad patients that comprise the book’s example narratives. A good person having an affair should feel confident in the fact that she has the qualifications to help you make what may be the most difficult decision you’ve faced this far in life—choosing between a partner and a lover.
August 21, 2011
i found this book when i discovered my boyfriend was not actually ending his marriage like he had told me and had another girlfriend in another state. just so you know, this type of cheating isn't covered in the book.
this book is for a married person having an affair. this isn't a good choice for someone who is the victim of cheating. if you're still reeling from the pain, then you may want to pick another book. i was looking for a reason why, and i may never know the answer.
there was a lot of talk about relationships, as in how to pick the most healthy and best for you (as in what every relationship should have), how to repair the hurt and move forward together with the person you've chosen, and how to make that relationship long-lasting. i did find this really good information and it actually did end up helping me to look at my past relationship honestly...and make some realizations that needed to be made.
i don't think the author is saying having affairs are okay. her point was that people have them, and now the problem needs to be fixed. and i appreciated that.
here's one of my favorite quotes in response to admitting your affair for the sake of being honest:
"if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship, and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can."
amen, sister....
this book is for a married person having an affair. this isn't a good choice for someone who is the victim of cheating. if you're still reeling from the pain, then you may want to pick another book. i was looking for a reason why, and i may never know the answer.
there was a lot of talk about relationships, as in how to pick the most healthy and best for you (as in what every relationship should have), how to repair the hurt and move forward together with the person you've chosen, and how to make that relationship long-lasting. i did find this really good information and it actually did end up helping me to look at my past relationship honestly...and make some realizations that needed to be made.
i don't think the author is saying having affairs are okay. her point was that people have them, and now the problem needs to be fixed. and i appreciated that.
here's one of my favorite quotes in response to admitting your affair for the sake of being honest:
"if you care that much about honesty, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship, and devote the rest of your life to making it the most honest relationship you can."
amen, sister....
February 5, 2017
Not trite. A good read for those who are dating, considering a commitment, considering an affair, having an affair, considering ending a marriage because of an affair or considering ending an affair because of the marriage. It goes through 17 different types of affairs, reasons for affairs, how to delve into the heart of the infidelity and how to determine if the infidelity is caused by having chosen a spouse poorly in the first place and how to avoid choosing poorly again and repeating mistakes. There are very practical and detailed processes outlined for how to look at both situations clearly, how to weigh children in, how to heal a relationship with a lover or a spouse, how to determine if both the people one is involved with are bad choices. I recommend this for people who are dating or considering a commitment because it points out very clearly how to identify what makes a good relationship, how to figure out needs and wants, and how to choose wisely. There's even a helpful section on how to break up, something even single people have to do at some point.
January 9, 2012
this book is an amazing find for someone going through the unsurmountable, debilitating, depressing, guilt infested, overwhelmingly confusing feelings of having your current relationship failing in some ways and being drawn to another. Something like 75% of us are touched in some way by people who have been unfaithful in some way, shape or form in their relationships. Whether they be married, dating, seperated, etc. For those who did not -- and never had set out to purposely "screw over" the person they are tied to and still love in many ways (their spouse, their boyfriend/girlfriend) through being unfaithful to them -- this book is truly a real life - lets be real kind of book. It gives no passes to those who have made this mistake - it does not say it is okay to do what they have done. What it does do however is realize that those who have made these sorts of mistakes - did just that - made a grave mistake that is now rendering their lives a living hell. Because now they have no idea what to do and they truly feel paralyzed and often even suicidal. Because they ARE good people at heart. And as such they beat themselves up most of all and can't seem to figure out how to (a) survive themselves and (b) not hurt anyone anymore. It's a terrible place to be and I don't wish it upon anyone. But I thank Ms. Kirshenbaum for throwing a tiny life ring out to all those who were drowning in the dark, mirky waters of depression, guilt and abhorrence. My hats off to you and many thanks for some real life thoughts.
November 8, 2008
This is actually a pretty reasonable marriage/relationship book, and has some applicability beyond people having affairs or in relationships with some who's having an affair. I think the author gave some good recommendations on how to improve your relationships, how to evaluate your relationship, etc. There is one point that I kind of disagree with. The author recommends that if you have had an affair and managed to keep your spouse in the dark that when it's over you don't tell them the truth. I can see why she says this, but I have also heard stories about people who find out about their spouse's affairs after the spouse dies and then suddenly their whole marriage is a big question and the spouse isn't around to confirm or deny the charge. So I'm not sure that's always the best. The other thing that kind of bothered me about this book is that the author's credentials are nowhere. It just says she works for a therapy and support organization and nothing about her educational background.
April 21, 2018
Great read
This was very helpful in my situation. I just wish he would read it. I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with this
This was very helpful in my situation. I just wish he would read it. I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with this
June 30, 2025
Great tool for therapists.
Good people can make bad choices. She takes a very holistic approach at viewing everyone as a struggler and looking beneath the surface.
The root of an affair often isn’t trying to hurt your current partner. Thankful for her honesty and her work to end the stigma. Everyone deserves help when they’re low, no matter how they got themselves there.
Good people can make bad choices. She takes a very holistic approach at viewing everyone as a struggler and looking beneath the surface.
The root of an affair often isn’t trying to hurt your current partner. Thankful for her honesty and her work to end the stigma. Everyone deserves help when they’re low, no matter how they got themselves there.
August 2, 2010
A friend of mine gave me this book and while it was an easy and engaging read, it just didnt fit my personal situation. This book is good for someone who is in the middle of having an affair and needs to figure out what to do. It helps them understand why they might have resorted to having an affair and helps the person stop delaying, pick who they want to be with, and move on.
As the person who caught their partner having an affair, it was a bit frustrating to read. I am feeling angry, and the author is trying to comfort the person that cheated. It seems like she's providing them with an arsenal of excuses for their actions. I did end up reading the whole thing and I might recommend it to someone if I felt it could help them.
As the person who caught their partner having an affair, it was a bit frustrating to read. I am feeling angry, and the author is trying to comfort the person that cheated. It seems like she's providing them with an arsenal of excuses for their actions. I did end up reading the whole thing and I might recommend it to someone if I felt it could help them.
February 28, 2017
Usun, et on hiiglama palju inimesi, kel sellest raamatust kasu olla võiks. Esiteks see "hea inimese" mõiste - kui hoolid ja tahad kõigile parimat ja võimalikult vähe haiget teha, siis sa ei ole halb inimene, olgugi et sellises olukorras, mis nii endale kui ka teistele haiget teha võib. Usun, et sellesse enda süüdistamisse on väga lihtne kinni jääda, kui olla empaatiline, teistest hooliv inimene.. ja samas hoolida endast ka. Väga hea suunanäitaja teemadel, et mida suhtesse astudes üldse kaaluda, millele mõelda. Ja kuidas seda kõike alguse pimeda armumise tagant näha, mis olla ja tulla võib. Igal juhul kavatsen seda raamatut oma elu jooksul nii mõnelegi soovitada.
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September 12, 2016my review is in my comments.
September 11, 2013
Worst book in the history of books. I couldn't figure out how to give it zero stars. This book is dangerous propaganda on its best day.
January 5, 2025
Two stars because the author says if someone told her they were going to have an affair she would tell them not. The rest of the book is dreadful.
Adultery is a complicated subject and there is a multitude of reasons for it happening. Some people simply don't take their marriage vows seriously, some people are exasperated after years of trying, some people find themselves caught up in the heat of the moment. There is generally one common thread. The wandering spouse is looking for that 20% of the marriage they perceive the spouse is not providing.
It is impossible to put into words how horrific the author's advice to lie about the affair - even if asked point blank - is. If you choose to violate your marriage vows you break the contract. The other spouse has the right to know you have broken the contract. Even a "bunny boiler" (from a safe distance) deserves to know.
Therapy is supposed to accomplish two things. First, it cannot solve your problems but guide you toward you doing so. Second, it is supposed to be about honesty. You and your spouse cannot work on solving the issues of your marriage if there is no honesty in your marriage.
If you are interested in putting your marriage together after adultery do not read this dreadful book. There are reputable websites/resources. One (I am not affiliated in any way with this website) is "Harboring Hope."
Adultery is a complicated subject and there is a multitude of reasons for it happening. Some people simply don't take their marriage vows seriously, some people are exasperated after years of trying, some people find themselves caught up in the heat of the moment. There is generally one common thread. The wandering spouse is looking for that 20% of the marriage they perceive the spouse is not providing.
It is impossible to put into words how horrific the author's advice to lie about the affair - even if asked point blank - is. If you choose to violate your marriage vows you break the contract. The other spouse has the right to know you have broken the contract. Even a "bunny boiler" (from a safe distance) deserves to know.
Therapy is supposed to accomplish two things. First, it cannot solve your problems but guide you toward you doing so. Second, it is supposed to be about honesty. You and your spouse cannot work on solving the issues of your marriage if there is no honesty in your marriage.
If you are interested in putting your marriage together after adultery do not read this dreadful book. There are reputable websites/resources. One (I am not affiliated in any way with this website) is "Harboring Hope."
November 3, 2024
"should a person confess to their partner if they had an affair? - no, not even if you're asked point blank"...this is not the version of the world i like, where people cheat and lie...and the therapist says that's great...wtf.
this book says it wants to help people, but how exactly?! and whom? the cheaters, to successfully cheat on their partners?! it's not enough in my book...are they really "good" people, not just selfish people? why not just break up before...that's the good people option.
the details from the book do not really support the "good" people title, more what people who cheated would like to believe, to feel the guilt less. better people break up first, and talk about the affair if they want to get back together again...what better people do, honesty.
but, hey, what cheater would not want to be told they should take the most comfortable option and not face what they did...i'd say this is a book by cheaters for cheaters. no.
DNF.
this book says it wants to help people, but how exactly?! and whom? the cheaters, to successfully cheat on their partners?! it's not enough in my book...are they really "good" people, not just selfish people? why not just break up before...that's the good people option.
the details from the book do not really support the "good" people title, more what people who cheated would like to believe, to feel the guilt less. better people break up first, and talk about the affair if they want to get back together again...what better people do, honesty.
but, hey, what cheater would not want to be told they should take the most comfortable option and not face what they did...i'd say this is a book by cheaters for cheaters. no.
DNF.
August 22, 2023
Hea ülevaade suhetest ja nendega kaasnevatest segastest tunnetest. Alati on ju keeruline kui tekivad kõrvslsuhted ja kuidas neid hinnata, nende tulevikku prognoosida. See raamat annab palju infot nii enda kui armukese hindamiseks.
November 20, 2019
Invaluable. Six months of therapy in 255 pages. Life-changing for anyone touched by an affair.
July 19, 2022
Very helpful . I recommend this book to those who are having a affair and feel stuck . If you have kids involved when trying to find out which person is best you you , it covers that topic .
January 28, 2023
Not great. Only useful part was about how our intentions are invisible to other people so don’t expect someone to trust us simply on our intentions.
November 25, 2008
The title of this book cracks me up. And it’s a book club pick. So don’t read too much into the fact that I’m reading this book. We thought it would spark some good conversations at book group. The subtitle: inside the hearts and minds of people in two relationships led me to believe that we might understand more about people’s motivations in having affairs. And it seems that in most of the books I’ve read lately (Tenth Circle, Beach House) so I was interested in learning more about the thought process.
However, while I thought this was an interesting read it was not what I expected. What this book is really about is how 1/3 what the psychology of an affair is and then 2/3 how people in a love triangle can select the appropriate solution (stay with spouse, pursue lover, choose neither) so they’re not in two relationships. The decision making process was interesting and I think it contained relationship advice that people could use in evaluating their own long term relationships. Also, there’s a short chapter on “Building the Future” which contains good general relationship advice.
However, while I thought this was an interesting read it was not what I expected. What this book is really about is how 1/3 what the psychology of an affair is and then 2/3 how people in a love triangle can select the appropriate solution (stay with spouse, pursue lover, choose neither) so they’re not in two relationships. The decision making process was interesting and I think it contained relationship advice that people could use in evaluating their own long term relationships. Also, there’s a short chapter on “Building the Future” which contains good general relationship advice.
January 29, 2013
Ejection Seat.
The title of this book could and should be "When Good People Want Out of Their Current Relationship"
This book has great advice for how to (and not to) break up.
1. Don't let threats of suicide if you break up, keep you trapped in a toxic relationship.
2. Don't answer the questions for reasons why.
After years of trying to patch things up, the spouse already knows the reasons for the break-up. This is not the time to discuss how to work things out; that time has long since passed.
3. Don't go into details.
There should be a HIPAA law for spouses to keep conversations between couples and their marriage counselor private. Spouses should never divulge private conversations they have had with their spouses over the course of their marriage to anyone, EVER.
The title of this book could and should be "When Good People Want Out of Their Current Relationship"
This book has great advice for how to (and not to) break up.
1. Don't let threats of suicide if you break up, keep you trapped in a toxic relationship.
2. Don't answer the questions for reasons why.
After years of trying to patch things up, the spouse already knows the reasons for the break-up. This is not the time to discuss how to work things out; that time has long since passed.
3. Don't go into details.
There should be a HIPAA law for spouses to keep conversations between couples and their marriage counselor private. Spouses should never divulge private conversations they have had with their spouses over the course of their marriage to anyone, EVER.
June 3, 2012
A very simple to understand book on a much needed topic. The author defines many different types of affairs and shares some of the reasons these affairs may be occuring. The book strives to help you understand WHY you are having the affair and if the affair is a sign to end the relationship or if it would be best to end the affair and recommit to the relationship. She also gives some good suggestions on how to end the affair. With affairs on the rampid, this is a very helpful and thought provoking book.
January 20, 2020
How to live in fear and manipulativeness. Two stars only for not stigmatizing affairs and including gay couples. Advocates lying to your partner and ex-lover. Just terrible. An anthropologists nightmare. “Save your pity for the poor people in Africa” is a literal line of this book. Riddled with fatphobia. If you want to live your life from a place of normalcy and fear, read this. If you want to live your life from a place of truth, political awareness, and transformation, read Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel instead. Reductionist as hell. Poor psychology. Frued would be disappointed.
November 30, 2008
Intersesting read - but not quite what we expected. Would be better read by someone who is having an affair or in contemplating one!
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April 5, 2009OMG!!!! very relevant!!!! hahaha
April 15, 2012
amazing! if you've ever had an affair or been a victim of an affair then you have to read this book!
May 7, 2013
research for advice giving, of course!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews