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Real Love in Marriage: The Truth About Finding Genuine Happiness Now and Forever
“With marriage down and divorce up, it’s tough to get and stay married these days. But therapist Greg Baer says you can have a happy marriage by learning to love your partner unconditionally. . .practicing Real Love.”— Chicago Tribune
Why do more than half of all marriages end in divorce? And why is there so much unhappiness in the marriages that survive? Greg Baer offers the solutions for a long-lasting marriage in his anticipated follow-up to Real The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships .
No matter how many wounds have been inflicted in a marriage, Greg Baer believes that they can be healed, giving both partners the sense of fulfillment and joy they’ve always wanted. With practical anecdotes and exercises throughout, Baer shows
· Why our spouses are not the root cause of how we feel and behave
· The truth about why we get angry with our spouses and argue with them
· How to eliminate—not just manage—anger and conflict
· How to identify what we need to change about ourselves
· How you and your partner can both get what you want out of the marriage
· How you can break the cycles of expectation and disappointment
· How to prevent divorce, and how to know when it’s the right option
There are no quick solutions to fixing a marriage. With Greg Baer as your guide, you can begin to heal the wounds of the past and cultivate the lifelong commitment to stay with your partner while learning how to unconditionally love him or her.
Why do more than half of all marriages end in divorce? And why is there so much unhappiness in the marriages that survive? Greg Baer offers the solutions for a long-lasting marriage in his anticipated follow-up to Real The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships .
No matter how many wounds have been inflicted in a marriage, Greg Baer believes that they can be healed, giving both partners the sense of fulfillment and joy they’ve always wanted. With practical anecdotes and exercises throughout, Baer shows
· Why our spouses are not the root cause of how we feel and behave
· The truth about why we get angry with our spouses and argue with them
· How to eliminate—not just manage—anger and conflict
· How to identify what we need to change about ourselves
· How you and your partner can both get what you want out of the marriage
· How you can break the cycles of expectation and disappointment
· How to prevent divorce, and how to know when it’s the right option
There are no quick solutions to fixing a marriage. With Greg Baer as your guide, you can begin to heal the wounds of the past and cultivate the lifelong commitment to stay with your partner while learning how to unconditionally love him or her.
352 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
50 people are currently reading
239 people want to read
About the author
Greg Baer
28 books19 followersFor twenty years, Greg Baer, M.D. was a highly successful surgeon, teacher, civic leader, and entrepreneur. But despite all his accomplishments, wealth, and respect, he felt empty and unhappy. He became a drug addict and nearly committed suicide. In his subsequent search for genuine happiness, he learned some principles that have changed the lives of hundreds of thousands. After Dr. Baer retired from one of the busiest solo eye surgery practices in the United States, he began a new career of writing, teaching, and speaking. He has so far written 17 books about relationships, marriage, and parenting, which have been translated into multiple languages, and published worldwide; produced the three-CD audio series, The Truth About Love and Lies; produced the six-DVD set (with Workbook) The Essentials of Real Love; produced the PBS television special, Real Answers, viewed nationwide; appeared on over 1500 radio and television programs from coast to coast in the United States; counseled personally with thousands of individuals and couples, profoundly changing their lives with the principles and power of Real Love; written thousands of blogs; conducted over 300 seminars and corporate trainings and delivered speeches to audiences around the world where he has taught the principles of Real Love; and developed a comprehensive website that offers Real Love education through video coaching, thousands of blogs, weekly video chats, support forums, and much more. An extensive Master Index is conveniently available to help you navigate through these resources. Dr. Baer and his wife, Donna, are the parents of seven children and live in Rome, Georgia.
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
March 11, 2022
Every married couple should read this one.
September 7, 2012
I took my sweet ole time completing this title because I wanted/needed to absorb the content. There were days when I dwelt on a particular section. In those moments I felt certain lessons exposed a painful self awareness and I couldn't help taking time to feel the consequence of those wounds. Self awareness is a gift though. And once you're made aware, you are challenged to become whole and improved. The gift is two-fold: you not only understand yourself and others more clearly, but if you make the right choices it will positively influence everyone around you and it in turn continues to bless your own life.
July 6, 2013
I agreed with nearly everything in this book. It helped me to evaluate some of my own motivations and perceptions
Baer places an enormous emphasis on finding "wise people" in order to get the real love that everyone needs. He makes it sound easy to find those wise people. I've not found it as easy as he makes it sound. Baer's journey in writing these books naturally led him to find wise people. I believe that there are other sources of real love than just wise people. The scriptures and prayer are two amazing sources of real love. Also, there are varying degrees of wise people. A person can get real love from people that are mostly-wise or somewhat-wise as well.
Baer places an enormous emphasis on finding "wise people" in order to get the real love that everyone needs. He makes it sound easy to find those wise people. I've not found it as easy as he makes it sound. Baer's journey in writing these books naturally led him to find wise people. I believe that there are other sources of real love than just wise people. The scriptures and prayer are two amazing sources of real love. Also, there are varying degrees of wise people. A person can get real love from people that are mostly-wise or somewhat-wise as well.
November 10, 2021
Fabulous Marriage and Relationship Manual
What I love about this book is that you come away with a philosophy, or a principle you can apply every day in every interaction. The author provokes thinking about how we can move from selfishness to gratitude, which makes all the difference in the impact we can make for good in the world. Reading the book together with my new spouse has made all the difference in our establishing a foundation of real love in our new relationship and freeing us from the bondage of repeating past mistakes. I am so very grateful my wife wanted us to read this book and its predecessor together and was willing to discuss how we apply it daily.
What I love about this book is that you come away with a philosophy, or a principle you can apply every day in every interaction. The author provokes thinking about how we can move from selfishness to gratitude, which makes all the difference in the impact we can make for good in the world. Reading the book together with my new spouse has made all the difference in our establishing a foundation of real love in our new relationship and freeing us from the bondage of repeating past mistakes. I am so very grateful my wife wanted us to read this book and its predecessor together and was willing to discuss how we apply it daily.
September 4, 2024
This book presents a beautiful ideal, and on the surface it's great. Unfortunately the author is a creepy cult leader that uses the real love books as na access point and then manipulates people that trust him
December 24, 2025
One of the best books I’ve ever read on human relationships.
Unfortunately, very few of us had real, unconditional love growing up, and as a consequence we use getting and protecting behaviors to secure imitation love that wreaks havoc on our relationships. Our ongoing pursuit of real love is compared to someone drowning and splashing in the water for help. How would we naturally respond to someone in such a situation? Recognizing the urgency is the first step, then acting on those natural human instincts to help and truly love one another. To be truthful and lose all concern to be right, as being right is a pretty shallow pleasure compared with being happy.
Unfortunately, very few of us had real, unconditional love growing up, and as a consequence we use getting and protecting behaviors to secure imitation love that wreaks havoc on our relationships. Our ongoing pursuit of real love is compared to someone drowning and splashing in the water for help. How would we naturally respond to someone in such a situation? Recognizing the urgency is the first step, then acting on those natural human instincts to help and truly love one another. To be truthful and lose all concern to be right, as being right is a pretty shallow pleasure compared with being happy.
October 17, 2024
I think reading this book has been life changing for me. I do think I read it at the right time and in the right place as it is so important to do when reading books. The first chapter, says, if you haven't real my first book, "Real Love", I will give you a synopsis... Which was great for me, because my focus was on my marriage relationship. I now want to read his original book and see if I can get to a deeper level of real love in all my relationships.
May 17, 2020
I love studying human behavior. This book really struck a chord like no other. It describes how we need real love to be happy, but receive it so infrequently that we turn to filling ourselves with imitation love, which doesn't last. I found this helpful in parenting as well as all other relationships besides marriage.
July 10, 2017
Thought provoking :-)
January 2, 2019
Spoiler alert: real love is unselfish!!
May 20, 2019
When read and discussed with a group of trusted friends, then applied to your life, it is absolutely transformative and life saving!
April 6, 2020
Did not keep me interested.
February 2, 2021
Real Love is the only Real thing that matters
Wish I'd read this in my early 20s. Would have made other choices and avoided a lot of pain and suffering.
Wish I'd read this in my early 20s. Would have made other choices and avoided a lot of pain and suffering.
August 18, 2022
This book does not provide an easy fix. I will say that by practicing to its philosophy with weekly coaching and check-ins, it has changed my life and relationships, not only with my spouse but with my children, siblings, and acquaintances. I did find the first part is discouraging as it reduces what we think of as love to essentially selfish behaviors, but it does allow for good self reflection and paradigm shifts - just prepare to be shaken.
May 18, 2022
Real Love - what an excellent book.
Ten things I want to remember from this book:
1. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. Your happiness is not anyone else’s responsibility. “Real happiness is not the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what we want. It’s a profound sense of peace and fulfillment that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul.”
2. “Other people are never responsible for how we feel.”
3. “Real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.”
4. Real love comes from telling the truth about yourself and finding those that can accept us.
5. Conditional love is distinguished from real love by the presence of disappointment and anger. While you can point out the mistakes of a spouse while remaining unconditionally loving, as soon as you become disappointed or angry, your primary concern is no longer for your spouse’s happiness, you’re thinking about yourself and how your spouse has failed to do what you want.
6. Lack of conflict DOES NOT EQUAL good marriage
7. We use lying as a protecting behavior when we make excuse, shade the truth, or do anything else to avoid the disapproval of others. We don’t lie because we are bad; we lie because we’ve learned from countless experiences that it works. People really do disapprove of us less when we hide the truth about our flaws, and we’ll do almost anything to keep from feeling that withdrawal of acceptance.
8. Acting like a victim is an attempt at manipulation, and what we get as a result cannot feel like Real Love.
9. Everyone has the right to choose what he or she says and does. That is the Law of Choice, and it’s the MOST IMPORTANT PRINCIPLE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, including marriage. “If you control me in any way, I am no longer myself.” “You might think you want to control what your spouse does, but if you succeed in that effort - you’ll only guarantee your own loneliness. You won’t have a partner, but a prisoner.”
10. “In every interaction or relationship we have three choices. We can live with it and like it, live with it and hate it, or leave it.” “[We] don’t get a third choice - the one many want - to control the other person.”
Ten things I want to remember from this book:
1. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness. Your happiness is not anyone else’s responsibility. “Real happiness is not the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what we want. It’s a profound sense of peace and fulfillment that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul.”
2. “Other people are never responsible for how we feel.”
3. “Real love is caring about the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves.”
4. Real love comes from telling the truth about yourself and finding those that can accept us.
5. Conditional love is distinguished from real love by the presence of disappointment and anger. While you can point out the mistakes of a spouse while remaining unconditionally loving, as soon as you become disappointed or angry, your primary concern is no longer for your spouse’s happiness, you’re thinking about yourself and how your spouse has failed to do what you want.
6. Lack of conflict DOES NOT EQUAL good marriage
7. We use lying as a protecting behavior when we make excuse, shade the truth, or do anything else to avoid the disapproval of others. We don’t lie because we are bad; we lie because we’ve learned from countless experiences that it works. People really do disapprove of us less when we hide the truth about our flaws, and we’ll do almost anything to keep from feeling that withdrawal of acceptance.
8. Acting like a victim is an attempt at manipulation, and what we get as a result cannot feel like Real Love.
9. Everyone has the right to choose what he or she says and does. That is the Law of Choice, and it’s the MOST IMPORTANT PRINCIPLE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP, including marriage. “If you control me in any way, I am no longer myself.” “You might think you want to control what your spouse does, but if you succeed in that effort - you’ll only guarantee your own loneliness. You won’t have a partner, but a prisoner.”
10. “In every interaction or relationship we have three choices. We can live with it and like it, live with it and hate it, or leave it.” “[We] don’t get a third choice - the one many want - to control the other person.”
December 31, 2019
I was not impressed with this book.
Having read perhaps 20% of it, I began to get the impression that he has a background in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but is no longer active in the church.
The turning point (page Xii) came when he had a gun pointed at his head and "realized that I couldn't rationalize my behavior any longer. I knew I had to do something about my life." ... "the end of my twenty-two-year marriage." (page XIII)
Why is it that so many of the relationship self help books are written by people who really messed up their lives before writing about how the rest of us should do it? I think I already answered this question elsewhere since I have often discussed it with Carol. Not long after reading that I stopped reading the book, and didn't pick it up again for several weeks.
When I resumed reading I found him going on and on about "unconditional love". Since that is a phrase much bandied about nowadays, I checked the church web site, and found it is a correct principle. However, even correct principles are often incorrectly applied. I might love a reckless teenager, but the doesn't mean I give him the keys to the car.
10/20/2006 I finished it a few days ago. The last chapter or two were much more meaningful than the middle. I gave it to Carol for her to read, and have since gotten rid of the book.
Having read perhaps 20% of it, I began to get the impression that he has a background in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but is no longer active in the church.
The turning point (page Xii) came when he had a gun pointed at his head and "realized that I couldn't rationalize my behavior any longer. I knew I had to do something about my life." ... "the end of my twenty-two-year marriage." (page XIII)
Why is it that so many of the relationship self help books are written by people who really messed up their lives before writing about how the rest of us should do it? I think I already answered this question elsewhere since I have often discussed it with Carol. Not long after reading that I stopped reading the book, and didn't pick it up again for several weeks.
When I resumed reading I found him going on and on about "unconditional love". Since that is a phrase much bandied about nowadays, I checked the church web site, and found it is a correct principle. However, even correct principles are often incorrectly applied. I might love a reckless teenager, but the doesn't mean I give him the keys to the car.
10/20/2006 I finished it a few days ago. The last chapter or two were much more meaningful than the middle. I gave it to Carol for her to read, and have since gotten rid of the book.
February 11, 2023
This book helped me to clearly identify ways that I was sabotaging my marriage and see ways to change so that I would not continue to do so. As result, it helped me see and enjoy my spouse more lovingly and to respond to him more sanely.
This is not a religion-based book but reading it made me decide to go back to the scriptures to figure out how God figures into that equation. One answer, he's the ultimate example of what Baer calls "a wise man".
In a nutshell, Baer articulately discusses how
*honesty about your failings and your emotions,
*compassion,
*recognizing "getting and protecting" behaviors in yourself and others and learning how to respond more wisely to that behavior in others,
*allowing agency,
*exercising agency,
*making requests, and
*not expecting but definitely appreciating the other
all affect the quality of your marriage.
And he shows how, as you do those things, you are able to fill yourself with the kind love you need have and to show forth in order to be able to make a marriage good.
Very, very helpful
This is not a religion-based book but reading it made me decide to go back to the scriptures to figure out how God figures into that equation. One answer, he's the ultimate example of what Baer calls "a wise man".
In a nutshell, Baer articulately discusses how
*honesty about your failings and your emotions,
*compassion,
*recognizing "getting and protecting" behaviors in yourself and others and learning how to respond more wisely to that behavior in others,
*allowing agency,
*exercising agency,
*making requests, and
*not expecting but definitely appreciating the other
all affect the quality of your marriage.
And he shows how, as you do those things, you are able to fill yourself with the kind love you need have and to show forth in order to be able to make a marriage good.
Very, very helpful
October 29, 2008
Another fantastic book. Some parts are repeat of Real Love, but overall worth reading both books.
April 6, 2009
This is the best book I've ever read-that's a self help type book! I would recommend it to married and single people-more than thought provoking...
August 16, 2009
I would recommend this book to every person. I love it and find valuable advice on every page.
August 22, 2009
What can I say, I'm a Real Love maniac!
This stuff rings so true to me.
This stuff rings so true to me.
Read
August 2, 2011Persuades you to love more profoundly.
March 28, 2013
I liked so many things about this book. There were some aspects that I didn't care for.
January 7, 2014
Great book. Easy examples and exercises at the end of each chapter. Covers most issues. If my husband notices a difference I will add another star later
January 17, 2016
Excellent book about unconditional and selfless love in marriage - the key to a happy marriage. Worth reading again and again.
September 27, 2023
I actually really liked this guys books- but it sounds like he is a cult leader now. So one star… give him a little search on Reddit if you want a wild ride.
did-not-finish
November 5, 2015This book is helpful, but it is so dull.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews