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Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy: Building a Stronger Marriage Without Losing Yourself—The 9 Principles of a Balanced and Happy Relationship
From New York Times bestselling author Michael Gurian comes a groundbreaking plan for happiness in love and marriage that shows you how to build healthy boundaries, work through past hurts, and create greater intimacy by maintaining emotional separateness.
Become separate from your partner yet also become closer—sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? With twenty-five years of family and marital counseling practice, Michael Gurian shows that “intimate separateness” is the key to creating a healthy partnership in life.
Recent university studies show that the most frequent reason relationships dissolve is not abuse, alcoholism, money, or even infidelity, but rather a lack of emotional fulfillment . Most books on love and marriage focus on teaching communication and conflict skills, but neglect to help couples with the “other half” of intimacy—separateness. In this practical yet personal guide to love, Gurian details the benefits of creating a lifelong balance of closeness and separateness. He outlines a twelve-stage model created for his own private practice, which provides long-term goals and focal points for dialogue that can help couples work through arguments. Gurian also delves into differences in white and gray matter between the male and female brain (which may explain the varying needs for intimacy and separateness), differences in verbal and emotive development, and the effects these all have on relationships.
Rich with examples and case studies, this book presents strategies for communication and conflict that build more emotional balance, while showing how intimate separateness can be the key to lifelong happiness.
Become separate from your partner yet also become closer—sounds counterintuitive, doesn’t it? With twenty-five years of family and marital counseling practice, Michael Gurian shows that “intimate separateness” is the key to creating a healthy partnership in life.
Recent university studies show that the most frequent reason relationships dissolve is not abuse, alcoholism, money, or even infidelity, but rather a lack of emotional fulfillment . Most books on love and marriage focus on teaching communication and conflict skills, but neglect to help couples with the “other half” of intimacy—separateness. In this practical yet personal guide to love, Gurian details the benefits of creating a lifelong balance of closeness and separateness. He outlines a twelve-stage model created for his own private practice, which provides long-term goals and focal points for dialogue that can help couples work through arguments. Gurian also delves into differences in white and gray matter between the male and female brain (which may explain the varying needs for intimacy and separateness), differences in verbal and emotive development, and the effects these all have on relationships.
Rich with examples and case studies, this book presents strategies for communication and conflict that build more emotional balance, while showing how intimate separateness can be the key to lifelong happiness.
368 pages, Hardcover
First published May 26, 2015
11 people are currently reading
450 people want to read
About the author
Michael Gurian
58 books72 followersMichael Gurian is an American author and social philosopher. He works as a marriage and family counselor and corporate consultant. He has published twenty-eight books, several of which were New York Times bestseller list bestsellers. He is considered, along with Leonard Sax, as one of the major proponents of the post-modern "single-sex academic classes" movement.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
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Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews
September 18, 2020
Interesting and easy-going but not something ultra substantial. However, I think it is a useful read for anyone, just to gain a perspective that all relationship related issues are solvable. :)
May 3, 2019
I had hoped to find a review that discussed the gendered brain statistics presented in these chapters. I read (ok, skimmed) them with skepticism. Is Gurian too broadly applying enmeshment? Does he or his editors realize that he "quotes" two different people giving 'homespun' yet almost exactly the same advice (48-50, 195-197)?
It's curious that the suggestion that you listen to your partner discuss your bad habits (in a structured, safe way) wasn't followed with anecdotes to support it could be done productively. I also questioned why he said it was important to continue to remember the moment of falling in love when on the next page he wrote about how you must move beyond the myth of romance.
What was compelling to me? The sections and exercises on recognizing and changing how one is judging and projecting ('mirroring') their own issues onto their partner. They're concrete and actionable.
I felt like it was worth my time, but read with a critical eye and an awareness the book has a conservative bent.
It's curious that the suggestion that you listen to your partner discuss your bad habits (in a structured, safe way) wasn't followed with anecdotes to support it could be done productively. I also questioned why he said it was important to continue to remember the moment of falling in love when on the next page he wrote about how you must move beyond the myth of romance.
What was compelling to me? The sections and exercises on recognizing and changing how one is judging and projecting ('mirroring') their own issues onto their partner. They're concrete and actionable.
I felt like it was worth my time, but read with a critical eye and an awareness the book has a conservative bent.
July 16, 2020
I really appreciated the practical aspect of this book with the questionnaires. The book has also helped me to change my perspective enough to take some of the pressure out of my marriage. It helped my identify where I might be asking too much of my partner, and also to appreciate that we are different.
March 22, 2022
Three or four stars. I like this book but am not sure if anyone knows much about marriage... especially therapists! You read this and some parts are insightful and some parts are trite. I am glad there are people out there trying to help other people.
June 25, 2019
Listened to this book: B.L.U.F. = hold hands more, & be VERY patient with your Spouse. Kinda preachy, but had some good verbal judo techniques.
June 11, 2015
This book is part research, part practical advice for some guiding principles for achieving a balanced and happy marriage. The author delivers the book through a variety of stories about the experiences of real life couples.
More about this book can be found on my blog: http://hesaidbooksorme.blogspot.com
Disclaimer: I was awarded this book in a Goodreads giveaway. While I did not pay for the book, the opinions expressed in this book are strictly my own.
More about this book can be found on my blog: http://hesaidbooksorme.blogspot.com
Disclaimer: I was awarded this book in a Goodreads giveaway. While I did not pay for the book, the opinions expressed in this book are strictly my own.
August 25, 2015
I won this book in a Goodreads giveaway.
Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy has good information on growing as a married couple. Overall I didn't care for the book, it was like reading a text book. I felt like I was back in college reading for a class. I ended up skimming through the book which is rare for me.
Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy has good information on growing as a married couple. Overall I didn't care for the book, it was like reading a text book. I felt like I was back in college reading for a class. I ended up skimming through the book which is rare for me.
Displaying 1 - 7 of 7 reviews