This review is gonna get a bit more personal than I normally share, but this series has a particularly special place in my heart, and my personal journey with it is not only important to understand just how powerfully penned it is, but to also understand how impactful words can be- as an escape, as a mirror of ourselves, as a way to understand or enlighten, to bring joy or hope or even sadness. For my words about this series can’t ever be divorced from the whole of me, the personal and unique tethers I have to it. Perhaps these words then are more for me than you, but alas I’ll share them anyways. Because to understand my orientation to Encore means walking with me to what brought me here at the start.
A bit of melancholic context, but I discovered this series after a tremendous loss, one I’ve never quite recovered from. The first book was sitting on my kindle ready to read (an early copy by author I’d never read before), and the night before I’d said goodbye to someone endlessly and devastatingly important to me as they took their last living breath. I’d said goodbye to someone who represented my only security and stability in my adult life. The night after that loss, I understandably couldn’t sleep. I was isolated and alone (courtesy of the pandemic era), and drowning in my sadness. At times choking on it, like my heart was shredded and little by little the shattered pieces were clawing up and catching in my throat. Nothing comforted me, sleep was impossible, and grief felt like my permanent companion, a heavy blanket that both embraced and smothered me. I’d lost a meaningful connection- and truthfully, I was more raw and lost than ever before. So I did what I did most nights when insomnia had me in its clutches … I read.
I’m not sure what I expected to find on the page, what balm I thought a dark, reverse harem romance from an author I’d never read could bring my broken heart. But grief defies logic and principle, so I opened up Freestyle. And with every page I turned, my grief somehow got a little more bearable, a little less cutting. Ever present, yes, but for just a moment when I needed to escape my pain, when I needed to feel seen in some way, connected to anything other than my loss, I found some solace in those pages. Ironic considering Freestyle isn’t much of a happy story. In fact Pen was deeply struggling. She too was isolated and alone, fighting to find stability and security, connection and love, when she’d been deprived of all those things. Freestyle is basically a manifesto of brokenness, a deconstruction of a character’s pain in an authentic and visceral panorama. A survivor, sure, but a character just on the brink of buckling from the weight of the world, of what she’s lost, of what she COULD lose. Heavy shit to be sure…but a heaviness that felt welcome, felt familiar. In a way that pain brought me comfort, because isn’t that what makes us all human? The shared capacity for pain?
But we also have the shared capacity for love. And as much as pain vibrated on these pages, the power of love reigned supreme, even when that love hurts. And my love was really hurting me. But as I read of the open wound that was Pen’s love, I felt more in touch with mine. Her grief was different - romantic and unfinished. But yet I knew that my grief was just an expression of that same core- of love, of love that felt endless but suddenly had no place to go. So for a moment, I poured my love into the pages, into the connection I felt with Pen. With her Breakers. I was captivated, enthralled, mesmerized. Words from a stranger became my way to cope. It was like the big, messy, sloppy hug a family member would give you with a loss, one that I was deprived of in real life but found in these pages.
Freestyle’s immersive storytelling somehow was the escapism I needed when my heart was at its most broken. But it also became the immediate connection I needed in a moment when I was frankly just sad and alone. In Pen I saw myself- not in the literal sense, but in the metaphysical one. Her vulnerability, her expression, her needs mirrored my own. Her pain defined her, at least in that moment, but it didn’t break her. Or her Breakers. Crawling through the trenches of her history and the depths of her heart helped me crawl a little bit out of my own. To help me find a new relationship with my sadness, to help first escape then embrace it. While also just giving my mind something so thrilling and creatively inspired to focus on.
I could extol the power and beauty of this series for endless words- but you should just read my reviews of each book to know how brilliantly created each character is, how existentially clever and intriguing this whole story is, how beautifully Bea captures a love for dance and utilizes it as a character in and of itself, as a driving force and the beating heart of this series in ways I never imagined. But at it’s core the story is about the power of true connection and unconditional love, something I felt profoundly even in the first book, when my own love was pouring out of me in the form of grief. It’s about the intangible and unbreakable force that is knowing the soul of another, and how that love is transformative and has a permanence that is never severed, not with adversity…or for me, not in death.
So this series will always be special to me. I have a bittersweet association in a way- remembering reading the first book with profound awe while also languishing in my bed between random bouts of tears and the agonizing truth that the world would never be the same for me again. I feel my grief as if it were fresh again even now. But I think Pen and her guys would understand that- because they know how the sharp and painful edges of the past are still little tender long after the heart has healed and new hope is found. Pain never escapes us fully, not really. Grief and trauma is tattooed on us in someway forever. But we learn to carry that weight better, in ways that are less heavy. We just learn how to heal, to forgive and find home and solace…and we find the fuel in LOVE. And love I found in these pages. As Pen found hers too.
So it is no surprise love is what I have for this meaty epilogue. I adore these characters, this world, but for so much more than it being my own crutch in pain. Because even without that personal link, I’d be recklessly in love with this series. It’s profoundly creative, immersive, thoughtful and moving. And Encore is a heartfelt and sincere love letter to everything that makes this world special, not just to the Breakers. I’ll take any moment I have to revel in the happiness and healing of these fantastic characters, because it reminds me that while we all have the shared lived experience of pain in common, that we all also have the potential for happiness and hope. Because of LOVE. A love that started it all- love for each other and love for dance. And my love- love in a loss that lead me into a magical world that healed me a little bit when I needed it most, that embraced my broken pieces with its own. SO read this fantastic series..but not because of my love or the resonance of MY pain. Read it because of your own. Pieces of our humanity sprinkle every page, and in it, I hope you too find what you're looking for. Whatever that may be.