Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better: Wise Advice for Leaning into the Unknown

by Pema Chödrön, Seth Godin, Sounds True (publisher)

When her granddaughter was accepted to Naropa University, the celebrated author Pema Chödrön promised that she'd speak at the commencement ceremony. Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better contains the wisdom shared on that day. "What do we do when life doesn't go the way we hoped?" begins Pema. "We say 'I'm a failure.'" But what if failing wasn't just "okay"... but the most direct way to becoming a more complete, loving, and fulfilled human being?

Here, Pema Chödrön offers us her heartfelt advice on facing the unknown - in ourselves and in the world - and how our missteps can open our eyes to see new possibilities and purpose. For listeners of all faiths who are at a life crossroads, this brilliant gem of kindness and clarity is sure to earn its place in our kitchens, offices, and backpacks, ready to help us get back on our feet and into our hearts. Includes an in-depth interview with Pema Chödrön and Tami Simon.

Genres: Nonfiction, Buddhism, Spirituality, Self Help, Philosophy, Psychology, Religion

Audible Audio

First published September 1, 2015

About the author

Ani Pema Chödrön (Deirdre Blomfield-Brown) is an American Buddhist nun in the Tibetan tradition, closely associated with the Kagyu school and the Shambhala lineage.

She attended Miss Porter's School in Connecticut and graduated from the University of California at Berkeley. She taught as an elementary school teacher for many years in both New Mexico and California. Pema has two children and three grandchildren.

While in her mid-thirties, she traveled to the French Alps and encountered Lama Chime Rinpoche, with whom she studied for several years. She became a novice nun in 1974 while studying with Lama Chime in London. His Holiness the Sixteenth Karmapa came to England at that time, and Ani Pema received her ordination from him.

Ani Pema first met her root guru, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, in 1972. Lama Chime encouraged her to work with Trungpa, and it was with him that she ultimately made her most profound connection, studying with him from 1974 until his death in 1987. At the request of the Sixteenth Karmapa, she received the full bikshuni ordination in the Chinese lineage of Buddhism in 1981 in Hong Kong.

Ani Pema served as the director of the Karma Dzong, in Boulder, CO, until moving in 1984 to rural Cape Breton, Nova Scotia to be the director of Gampo Abbey. Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche gave her explicit instructions on establishing this monastery for western monks and nuns.

Ani Pema currently teaches in the United States and Canada and plans for an increased amount of time in solitary retreat under the guidance of Venerable Dzigar Kongtrul Rinpoche.

Reviews

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed soothing and Pema Chodron always soothes my soul. And this is a transcription of a commencement address alongside an interview with Chodron.

Embracing failure is hard especially when you're in the middle of it. But deciding to keep going, to let it teach you, makes a big difference. And that's what I needed to hear.

[Mridula · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has been a while since I read anything by Pema Chodron. I had forgotten how beautifully she writes. Her words are clear, concise and hopeful. I found this piece to be encouraging: make mistakes, hold them in your heart, learn and grow from them.

An easy read, but one to savour.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

We don't like to think about failure - we sweep it under the rug, hide it away, and are often ashamed. Yet, everyone has failed at something. Chodron, in her remarkable style, expounds on this fact. The book includes a commencement speech that she delivered at her granddaughter's university graduation, and a thoughtful and open interview about her own failures and how she frames them in the context of her life.

[Zezee · Rating 4 out of 5]

From my review on Zezee with Books:

Fail, Fail Again, Fail Better is a commencement speech given by Pema Chödrön, an American Buddhist nun, at her granddaughter’s graduation from the University of Boulder, Colorado back in 2014. The speech is followed by an interview with Chödrön that’s just as insightful if you’re open to the message. Chödrön’s message on embracing failure centers on a quote from the poet Samuel Beckett:

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Failure seems like an adverse topic for a commencement speech since graduation is often seen as the beginning of a new adventure in life and we all want to succeed in life; but, as Chödrön points out, many of us aren’t prepared for failure, something we encountered at all stages of life. I agree with this because many of us don’t consider that failure in one venture or area in life could open up opportunities to other things. And that’s one of Chödrön’s messages:

“Mistakes are the portal to creativity, to learning something new, to having a fresh look on things.”

...Overall: ★★★★☆

I gave it three on the first read. The book imparts a great message, one that many of us need to hear. I preferred the interview at the end more than the speech because Chödrön speaks more about harsh self-talk there, but the whole book is great.

I won’t lie though, I still think I didn’t need to purchase the book just because it’s not as big as I thought it would be (silly reason). But I do like the presentation. As mentioned before, I love the cover design and I also like that the symbol on the cover is copied throughout the book sometimes in patterns that reflect Chödrön’s message. So though I don’t think I needed to buy the book, I’m glad I got it. It looks good. Feels good too. Some nice paper there.

[Mindy Kannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love everything this woman writes. Pema Chodron was invited to give the commencement address to the 2014 graduating class of the Naropa University in Boulder Colorado. This book is that speech followed by a question and answer session. The things she says are so useful and so simple to understand. When things go wrong we will do anything to avoid that bad feeling, we either blame someone else or identify ourselves as a bad person. Instead, we should lean into that bad feeling and examine what it's really about and therefore it will no longer affect us in such a large way. Awesome little book!

[Stephen Simpson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very disappointing. In the version I read, there was a great deal of "white space", and the actual text itself probably could have fit on maybe 20 pages. Not only that, the contents themselves were vague and lacked much insight. There really wasn't much of any use here about surviving/"processing" failure, learning from it, and accepting it as an inevitable part of the growth process.

Author JK Rowling gave a commencement address (at Harvard, I believe) that is a far better discussion of the value and virtues of failure.

[Kim Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think I want to buy this for everyone in my life (you've been warned!)

[Kireja · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked the message of this book- that failure is not bad, it's part of the human condition, it's a place of potential opportunity, and is something that one can learn from. Overall, there were a handful of quotes that were really inspiring, but something felt off about how the speech was organized; it kind of felt all over the place, though I may feel differently if I watched a video of the commencement speech.

Below are a few of my favourite quotes (hope they inspire you as well):

"fail. fail again. fail better" (23)

"get good at welcoming the unwelcome" (29)

"it's a little hard to tell what's a failure and what's just something that's shifting your life in a whole new direction" (47)

"don't get blown around by outer circumstances" (57)

"don't buy the storylines that blame it on everybody else. And don't buy the storylines that blame it on yourself either" (65)

"the waves keep coming and you keep getting up and going forward" (81)

"you have to take the view that there is nothing wrong with you; you are okay; you can allow this feeling to be there; you can lean into the sharp parts" (94)

"be aware of what you are saying to yourself in that moment of having hit bottom, having gotten to that place of dread" (96)

"find the willingness to go forward instead of staying still, which is essentially going backward" (122)

"move toward the fear" (123)

[Story · Rating 4 out of 5]

Succinct and useful.

[Kamakana · Rating 5 out of 5]

if you like this review, i now have website: www.michaelkamakana.com

230107: excellent. short, sharp, sweet. witty, wise, wonderful!

[Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

Organized and well thought reflections on what meaning there is in failure and being able to stand up in the face of it. Compilation of a commencement speech the author gave in 2014, and an interview in which the author has with the publisher of Sounds True.

[Robin Tobin (On the back porch reading) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A quick must-read that changes your life

[Stephanie Barko · Rating 5 out of 5]

This title was the October 2016 selection of South Austin Spiritual Book Group, a reading group that loves Buddhist philosophy.

The book is a transcript of Pema's 2014 commencement address to Naropa University, plus an interview at the end.

I learned some new things about Pema's personal journey reading the interview and was glad it was there. The commencement address was great advice for Millennials about the how to respond to the type of world they are inheriting and good advice for all of us trying to cope with the precarious nature of modern life during climate change during what I choose to call The Age of Uncertainty.

[Sleepless Dreamer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me, "But Roni, you like making yourself uncomfortable." And another friend (there was so much socializing yesterday, dear god) told me about how he is becoming more and more aware of how much is out of his control. He was describing this as a positive thing, an understanding that a failing relationship is not his fault, that whether someone wants to be with him or not is not in his control.

I've been thinking a lot about those two statements and the connection between them. Reading this short book feels like an answer to that. The essential idea here is to be willing to stay in raw emotional moments, to be willing to fail. I've reached a point where I don't mind and even seek uncomfortable social situations because I realize that that's where growth happens. And that attitude that my friend talked about is what the speaker here is talking about- freeing yourself from blame. The difference between "this is painful" and "someone is a failure" happens once you accept that we aren't entirely even capable of differentiating a bad situation and a good one.

I usually lack patience for self help books but this resonated with me. I liked the ideas here and they were discussed eloquently. It was exactly what I wanted to read right now. I see myself recommending this to people at certain times.

I'm so late to my run (and oh my god, I have to pack and I have to send a few terrifying emails and I've been ignoring so many text messages, how do I become a functioning human being) so I'll wrap this up with a quote I liked.

"Yes, this doesn’t feel good, and yes, my knees are actually trembling, but I’m going to stay with this; I’m going to explore this; I’m interested in knowing this quality because it will take me in the direction I want to go, instead of back into the cocoon of shelter and ego-clinging."

what I'm taking with me:
- I loved the discussion at the end about bodies failing us. It's a subject that is very connected and yet has such a different weight to it.
- There's a lot of faith and spirituality here but it feels very non-religious and that's cool.
- I'm going to fail so many times in the next few months. That's alright.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

A quick read, but including some really refreshing ideas to keep thinking about.

Really love this book. Here's a part that stood out to me:
"All I can say is, 'If you follow your heart, you're gonna feel better than if you hold back because of fear.' But when you follow your heart ...there is no guarantee that the whole thing won't be a total failure, and there's no guarantee that you're not going to get criticisms. You'll get praise and blame is the usual scenario.
...
The question is, are you going to grow or are you going to just stay as you are out of fear and waste your precious human life by status quo-ing instead of being willing to break the sound barrier..., or whatever it is in your own life? Are you willing to go forward?

I suggest finding the willingness to go forward instead of staying still, which is essentially going backward, particularly when you have a calling in some direction. That calling needs to be answered. And it's not necessarily going to work out the way you want it to work out, but it is taking you forward, and you are leaving the nest. And that can never be a mistake - to fly instead of staying in the nest with all the poop and everything that's in there." (122)

[Chris Blocker]

It's strange that I picked up this book, even more so that I read it. This isn't my thing. But I was having one of those moments when I felt like stepping out of my comfort zone and there before me was this book and its pretty cover. I started to read it and by the time I realized I was bored, I was more than half way through and figured I might as well finish it.

So, yeah, pretty typical self-help zen writing, but with a pretty, albeit simple, cover. Embrace your failures. Learn from them. That's all this book needs to say and all it does say. *shrug* It was a fast read.

[Craig Bergland · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a classic example of trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill by turning - or attempting to turn - a commencement speech into a book by adding a drawing on every other page. What there is for content is great, as Pema always is. The layout on the ebook is terrible with font size that varies broadly from page to page and cannot be adjusted - and is always way too small. Overall, it’s a shit show.

[Joke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Juiste boek op het juiste moment.

‘De vraag is in feite hoe je omgaat met angst, hè? Die overgangsfasen waarin je geen bodem voelt en angstig bent vormen waarschijnlijk de vruchtbaarste grond voor iemand die een spirituele ontwikkeling doormaakt. Omdat er niets vastligt liggen er grenzeloze mogelijkheden in het verschiet als je je hoofd maar een klein stukje verder naar rechts draait.’

‘Je kunt het gevoel hebben dat alles mogelijk is in plaats van mijn god wat gaat er gebeuren?’

Veiligheid vinden in die vormloosheid en in de ‘open eindheid’ van dingen en niet zoeken naar eilandjes van veiligheid die me blijven toeroepen.

[Gregory Williams · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m a fan of Pema Chodron’s works, ever since I first read When Things Fall Apart years ago. There is a wise simplicity to her discussions that resonate with anyone.

This piece is pretty short and simple - it’s a commencement address she did for a graduating class, followed by an interview with a journalist. As always, she looks at things from a different lens and telling graduating college students to fail may seem counterintuitive but it’s actually great advice. Because it will happen. And it’s better to see it in a fruitful forward-thinking manner that strengthens and cements your resolve toward any worthy path.

[Ietrio · Rating 1 out of 5]

A book of mystic mumbling. Somebody who has nothing to say, but nevertheless is asked to come and talk.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fear is also ultimate possibility.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

Done. @casey

[Madly Jane · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read a lot of Buddhist book because Buddhism is so related to Modern Psychology. Self-help books are not really my thing, but I quite enjoyed this little book. I read through it several times. We live in a society that is centered around accomplishment and not purpose which is terrible. We cannot blame this all on outside forces, such a capitalism, entertainment, etc. and so forth. We must look to ourselves. That we are driven to consume, that we live in a very narcissistic society where we are constantly struggling for labels so that we can validate ourselves is quite sad.

No one wants to make mistakes. No one wants to fail at anything.

And we are constantly explaining away any sort of mistakes and failures or we are cancelling people out when they do foolish or even serious things. As if no one can be redeemed or no one can change their minds, or no one can change at all. We do it to other cultures, especially how we view the past, as if the past is a "person" who cannot be forgiven.

The bottom line is we need to stop this. We need to fail, we need to make mistakes. We don't need to explain or label everything. Our feelings are not our truths. Feelings are just that. And sometimes, they are the biggest liars. We can change them. We can change ourselves. But only if we are allowed to fail and make mistakes. This is how we truly learn. So much of the world is uncomfortable and uncertain. Learn to stand in that uncertainty and you will be stronger.

[Chanele · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a strange "book." The main part of it was a speech that Ms. Chodron gave at a relative's graduation. It is poignant and interesting, but it is organized strangely. I suppose to fill the book, the publisher decided to put a few sentences, maybe two paragraphs maximum, on one page, with a symbol on the opposing page. So, to read maybe ten pages of full text, you flip through, almost as you would a children's picture book. After that, there is a transcript of an interview with Ms. Chodron. While there are some good pieces of wisdom, the interview is terribly dry. All in all, this probably shouldn't be a book, and I felt like the publisher wanted to waste space (and paper) by dragging something out that could have be summed up much easier and shorter.

[Cas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the interview section of this book much more impactful and worth reading than the speech section. Although the speech was great, the transcription of the one-on-one interview with Chödrön was amazing. I'm interested in reading more of her books. I would recommend this book to anyone looking for some insight on failure, moving forward and just being human.

[Mark Robison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is probably best “read” on audio as it contains a commencement address, followed by an interview delving into the implications and possible concerns about embracing failure. Pema’s humor doesn’t come across as well on the printed page, but she’s funny and brilliant live. Grade: A-

[Maria Almaguer · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could, this book deserves ten stars. Pema has a way of describing things plainly and profoundly. She is helping me sort through so much in my life. If you are struggling with thinking you are all alone in your pain and frustration, you need to read Pema's books.

[Bibi Larson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love this book - it was very enlightening and made so much sense. Great!!!

[Greg Bem · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick mindfulness work that everyone should read because of how open it is!

[Lexie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't often do self-help, inspirational, spiritual books - I don't find much use in them to be honest (largely this has to do with I feel like I'm failing if I don't meet the criteria they set forth as "examples"...which is an entirely DIFFERENT issue). This one however I came upon at BEA a couple years back and was caught by the design and title.

To be clear this is a transcribed copy of Chödrön's commencement speech given at her granddaughter's university graduation. As such, while everything ties into the overall theme, this isn't meant to be the end all of her thoughts on failure or how to handle it. It was meant to be an inspiring speech to a class of graduates. The book is about half filled with art work (swirls like you see on the cover in various patterns) and words, though many pages are simply a couple sentences or a paragraph. There's a few that are longer, but not many.

I read this in about twenty minutes, though I've gone back and re-read sections that resonated with me.

I can honestly say this book had me thinking about how I view my "failures", both in how I react to those failures and how I carry the baggage forward. I've spent most of my life being told I'm a disappointment in some manner to someone - my mom, my teachers, my friends, my classmates, my bosses, my siblings, my significant others. From a young age I tended to internalize that and start to believe I was failing at being a daughter or friend or sister or student. I'd go through these periods where it would feel so overwhelming so I'd try to do better, but ultimately feel like I "failed" because it wasn't enough for the person I was trying to impress.

I'd often go so overboard I'd get sick, feeling extra guilty because now I was a burden as well as a failure.

It carried on into my adult life and its something I daily struggle with trying to master. There is no easy way to tell someone who feels these things "You are better then that", but Chödrön tries to show a way that can turn those perceived failings around.

She relates a well known Buddhist tale of an old man and his wife. They have quite a few every day hardships (their horse runs away, their son breaks his leg) and everyone despairs that this is the end, how can they go on except for the old man. He simply says "maybe yes, maybe no". As the story goes each "failure" led to something good happening - their horse ran away, but he came back with a mare so now they had two horses. Their son broke his leg, but a day after soldiers came to take all the able-bodied men off to war.

What seems like a failure, like a disaster you can't overcome one day, can be a blessing in disguise. Sometimes in big ways, sometimes in small ways. Looking back at my "failures", maybe I don't see the "blessing in disguise" for them, but some I can.

I got a job as a paralegal for a New York lawfirm - I was working in the big city, I was on my way to financial independence, I was truly making strides towards being an adult. But the commuting and the hours weighed heavily on me - my health was deteriorating, I didn't see my friends very often or if I did was so exhausted I couldn't enjoy my time with them, I was drinking far heavier than I should have been to ease the stress of it, I wasn't sleeping and I was barely eating. I eventually collapsed from the strain of it five months in.

I had to leave the job (with no back up in sight), I had to move out of the apartment I loved sharing with my friend (to live back at my dad's), I didn't have any savings so I couldn't even buy myself gas for my car. I felt like a complete failure. I had made such big plans for that job - and I enjoyed it, despite the stress - and here I was. Unemployed, living at home in less then half a year. I wallowed in self-pity for a month and half before I half-heartedly started putting my resume back out there, more or less certain I'd wind up either in retail or in a job that would pay me minimum wage and be a stop gap measure at best.

I got called in for interviews, but I didn't let myself get my hopes up. I did my best to ignore the comments from well meaning people that just drove home the fact I was useless. Until the day I got an interview request from a local office I barely remembered applying for. I met with office manager and it felt like a good interview. I was cautiously hopeful because I felt like I was compatible.

Now a year later I'm in a job that grants me part time hours, with good health insurance, very good pay and an office environment I'm appreciated and supported in. I'm moving out with a new friend, my commute is minimal and there's so much opportunity for me here. I never would have gotten this job if I hadn't "failed" at the paralegal job. If I had forced myself to stick with it, to make it so I don't "Fail", who knows how it would have turned out.

And that's what Chödrön tries to get across in her speech. She wants the graduates she was speaking to, to understand that failure is a part of life, but it doesn't have to be the end of that life. We teach and encourage people to "win" to "succeed" and prepare them for that eventuality, but we don't show people how to accept failure and move forward with it.

In the end this book was just what I needed. I recommend this to anyone who wants to just read something quick and contemplative.