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Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions so They Don’t Manage You
Brought to you by Penguin.
Whether it’s anxiety about the dentist, boiling rage when we’re stuck in traffic or devastation after a painful break-up, our lives are filled with situations that send us spiralling. But as difficult as our emotions can be, they are also a superpower. When they’re activated in the right ways and at the right time, they function like an immune system, alerting us to our surroundings, telling us how to react to a situation and helping us make the right choices.
But how do we make our emotions work for us rather than against us? Acclaimed psychologist Dr Ethan Kross has devoted his scientific career to answering this question. In Shift, he dispels common myths – for instance, that avoidance is toxic or that we
should always strive to live in the moment – and provides a new framework for shifting our emotions so they don’t take over our lives.
Shift weaves groundbreaking research with riveting stories of people struggling and succeeding to manage their emotions – from a mother whose fear prompted her to make a spur-of-the-moment decision that would save her daughter’s life mid-flight to a nuclear code-carrying Navy SEAL who learned how to embrace both joy and pain during a hellish training activity. Dr Kross shows us that we already have access to a wide array of tools and demonstrates how to harness them to be healthier and more successful.
Filled with actionable advice, cutting-edge research and inspiring stories, Shift puts the power back into our hands, so we can control our emotions without them controlling us – and help others do the same.
'For anyone who has wondered whether they'll ever be in charge of their emotions, this book has the yes' - Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
'This book does much more than make sense of emotions – it breaks new ground on how to manage them' - Adam Grant, author of Think Again
'A revolutionary guide to mastering your emotional life' – Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators
Whether it’s anxiety about the dentist, boiling rage when we’re stuck in traffic or devastation after a painful break-up, our lives are filled with situations that send us spiralling. But as difficult as our emotions can be, they are also a superpower. When they’re activated in the right ways and at the right time, they function like an immune system, alerting us to our surroundings, telling us how to react to a situation and helping us make the right choices.
But how do we make our emotions work for us rather than against us? Acclaimed psychologist Dr Ethan Kross has devoted his scientific career to answering this question. In Shift, he dispels common myths – for instance, that avoidance is toxic or that we
should always strive to live in the moment – and provides a new framework for shifting our emotions so they don’t take over our lives.
Shift weaves groundbreaking research with riveting stories of people struggling and succeeding to manage their emotions – from a mother whose fear prompted her to make a spur-of-the-moment decision that would save her daughter’s life mid-flight to a nuclear code-carrying Navy SEAL who learned how to embrace both joy and pain during a hellish training activity. Dr Kross shows us that we already have access to a wide array of tools and demonstrates how to harness them to be healthier and more successful.
Filled with actionable advice, cutting-edge research and inspiring stories, Shift puts the power back into our hands, so we can control our emotions without them controlling us – and help others do the same.
'For anyone who has wondered whether they'll ever be in charge of their emotions, this book has the yes' - Angela Duckworth, author of Grit
'This book does much more than make sense of emotions – it breaks new ground on how to manage them' - Adam Grant, author of Think Again
'A revolutionary guide to mastering your emotional life' – Charles Duhigg, author of Supercommunicators
Audible Audio
Published February 4, 2025
1082 people are currently reading
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About the author
Ethan Kross
9 books583 followersEthan Kross, PhD, is one of the world's leading experts on controlling the conscious mind. An award-winning professor at the University of Michigan and the Ross School of Business, he is the director of the Emotion & Self Control Laboratory. He has participated in policy discussion at the White House and has been interviewed on CBS Evening News, Good Morning America, and NPR's Morning Edition. His pioneering research has been featured in The New York Times, The New Yorker, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Science. He completed his BA at the University of Pennsylvania and his PhD at Columbia University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 280 reviews
February 2, 2025
The concepts and techniques described in this book about learning to recognize, use, and shift your emotional state when it is not serving you were interesting and may be very useful. The author has a quick, explanatory, almost breezy style of writing that makes for easy reading. But I didn't think the frequent illustrative anecdotes were all that helpful, or usually even all that apropos—they seemed to serve just to lengthen the book and seemed like filler that I wished I could skip.
September 27, 2025
2025 reads, #20. Yet another one of those modern how-to guides that contains only a single bulletpoint list of actual unique information, obscenely padded out to 300 pages. Did you know that you can manage your emotional reactions to things better by changing physical sensations like what music you’re listening to, changing what things you’re paying attention to, and changing the way you think about the situation? Ethan Kross is under the impression that you don’t know any of these things, and has spent a whopping one hundred pages in this book to explain the three points I just shared in a single sentence. (Here are the other three “emotional shifts” he recommends, which I’m providing as a public service so that you don’t have to read the book yourself: you can change the physical place you’re in, you can change the people you’re hanging out with, and you can change the culture of the environment around you. That’s it; that’s the entire book.) The dumber American publishing gets, the less tolerance I’m having for these “listicle padded out to 300 pages” books, and this is a particularly craven example. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
February 15, 2025
Interesting book on emotions. What are emotions? It includes what we feel , think and experience in our body in response to event we judge to be meaningful. Below are some more details on emotions:
1. Different people feel the same emotions in different ways.
2. Emotions evolved to help us navigate the world and are functional.
3. Emotions aren’t good and bud but are just information.
4. Negative emotions are functional and adaptive but are tricky to handle as they can spiral into dysfunctional.
5. Intensity and duration are two main components of our emotions
6. Duration is the amount of time the chemical compound take break down in the body and varies depending of a lot of factors.
7. Meaningfulness of the experience and our attention play important role.
We can alter the trajectory of emotions by speeding up , slowing it down and changing the intensity to regulate.
How to control emotions?
Internal :
- cognitive controls ( includes goals and beliefs)
- sensory shifters ( our ability to see, tase , touch , hear and smell can act as leavers ) examples are eating , listening to music , sitting in front of ocean.
- attention shifters ( through our attention we determine what to focus on and what we give our attention to profoundly shapes our emotional experience) .
- perspective shifting- reframing the situation differently. I like the ABC framework.
External :
- Space shifting or changing the environment.
- Relationship shifting ( as emotions as contagious) example : rather than co ruminating we can help others to see the same situation in different light or perspective shifting.
- Culture shifting ( basically the beliefs , values , norms and practices). practice check the foundation, rethink norms and customisation of practices.
Finally one solution is WOOP - wish , outcome , obstacle and plan.
1. Different people feel the same emotions in different ways.
2. Emotions evolved to help us navigate the world and are functional.
3. Emotions aren’t good and bud but are just information.
4. Negative emotions are functional and adaptive but are tricky to handle as they can spiral into dysfunctional.
5. Intensity and duration are two main components of our emotions
6. Duration is the amount of time the chemical compound take break down in the body and varies depending of a lot of factors.
7. Meaningfulness of the experience and our attention play important role.
We can alter the trajectory of emotions by speeding up , slowing it down and changing the intensity to regulate.
How to control emotions?
Internal :
- cognitive controls ( includes goals and beliefs)
- sensory shifters ( our ability to see, tase , touch , hear and smell can act as leavers ) examples are eating , listening to music , sitting in front of ocean.
- attention shifters ( through our attention we determine what to focus on and what we give our attention to profoundly shapes our emotional experience) .
- perspective shifting- reframing the situation differently. I like the ABC framework.
External :
- Space shifting or changing the environment.
- Relationship shifting ( as emotions as contagious) example : rather than co ruminating we can help others to see the same situation in different light or perspective shifting.
- Culture shifting ( basically the beliefs , values , norms and practices). practice check the foundation, rethink norms and customisation of practices.
Finally one solution is WOOP - wish , outcome , obstacle and plan.
June 10, 2025
[4.25] One yardstick I often use to gauge the quality of self-help/personal growth books involves tallying how many notes I made during my reading. “Shift" scores high marks using this evaluation tool. I made more than two dozen notations, including a few appropriate strategies I’ll likely introduce in my college-level public speaking courses to help students cope with pre-speech anxieties.
Two key premises are highlighted early in this fact-packed book. First, managing our emotional lives is one of the greatest challenges the human species faces. Second, we do have mastery of our own emotions if we use specific techniques as regulation tools.
These tools are already inside us, including harnessing the power of sensation, being flexible with our attention and changing our perspectives. The author explores each of these tactics in a book that is remarkably well organized and easy to follow.
Kross emphasizes that “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions to regulate emotions.” He encourages readers to experiment with different strategies to determine what will work most effectively.
True, some tools do not fall into the “rocket science” category (example: if you receive an upsetting email, use incubation time to calm down before responding). But other tactics are enlightening. For example, Kross urges readers to scrutinize their five senses and gauge which sense is most powerful when it comes to regulating emotions. Like many other people, sound is a powerful “sensory shifter” for me. The author suggests creating a series of music playlists that are tailored to heightening or lessening certain emotions – and then having these playlists at our fingertips.
Employ “place-shifting.” Our physical environment has a direct effect on emotions. One common example used by psychologists involves the impact green space our mental outlook. Hence, use special places to evoke feelings of contentment, well-being and meaning. And place-shifting doesn’t necessarily mean jumping in a car and trekking 60 miles to a place of natural beauty. The author encourages us to carefully examine existing spaces and “curate" these spots to help foster positive emotions. This tip nudged me to clean up clutter in my home study to promote a calmer and more orderly mental mindset.
One additional takeaway (although there are others) involves harnessing the power of “mental time travel.” Reflect on the past or the future to help put challenging moments into perspective. One example is exemplified in the adage: “this too shall pass.”
The author has zeroed in on a timely topic. Data indicates that 40% of adolescents do not think they can handle their emotions. “If they don’t believe they can handle their emotions, will they even try?“ Kross asks.
The digital age has exasperated the problem. The book examines “digital social comparison," a phenomenon some experts have called “Facebook envy.” Studies have shown that we are prone to comparing ourselves with people who outperform us in some ways. That’s OK, but try to harness that comparison into an emotion that inspires you to succeed as opposed to feeling envy or resentment. In other words, turn this tendency into an asset rather than a liability.
Kross notes that school leaders in some regions are collaborating with scientists in to develop emotion regulation lessons for curricula. Given the pivotal roles emotions play in our well-being, we all should be asking a question that Kross has heard many times: “Why wasn’t I taught this in school?”
Two key premises are highlighted early in this fact-packed book. First, managing our emotional lives is one of the greatest challenges the human species faces. Second, we do have mastery of our own emotions if we use specific techniques as regulation tools.
These tools are already inside us, including harnessing the power of sensation, being flexible with our attention and changing our perspectives. The author explores each of these tactics in a book that is remarkably well organized and easy to follow.
Kross emphasizes that “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions to regulate emotions.” He encourages readers to experiment with different strategies to determine what will work most effectively.
True, some tools do not fall into the “rocket science” category (example: if you receive an upsetting email, use incubation time to calm down before responding). But other tactics are enlightening. For example, Kross urges readers to scrutinize their five senses and gauge which sense is most powerful when it comes to regulating emotions. Like many other people, sound is a powerful “sensory shifter” for me. The author suggests creating a series of music playlists that are tailored to heightening or lessening certain emotions – and then having these playlists at our fingertips.
Employ “place-shifting.” Our physical environment has a direct effect on emotions. One common example used by psychologists involves the impact green space our mental outlook. Hence, use special places to evoke feelings of contentment, well-being and meaning. And place-shifting doesn’t necessarily mean jumping in a car and trekking 60 miles to a place of natural beauty. The author encourages us to carefully examine existing spaces and “curate" these spots to help foster positive emotions. This tip nudged me to clean up clutter in my home study to promote a calmer and more orderly mental mindset.
One additional takeaway (although there are others) involves harnessing the power of “mental time travel.” Reflect on the past or the future to help put challenging moments into perspective. One example is exemplified in the adage: “this too shall pass.”
The author has zeroed in on a timely topic. Data indicates that 40% of adolescents do not think they can handle their emotions. “If they don’t believe they can handle their emotions, will they even try?“ Kross asks.
The digital age has exasperated the problem. The book examines “digital social comparison," a phenomenon some experts have called “Facebook envy.” Studies have shown that we are prone to comparing ourselves with people who outperform us in some ways. That’s OK, but try to harness that comparison into an emotion that inspires you to succeed as opposed to feeling envy or resentment. In other words, turn this tendency into an asset rather than a liability.
Kross notes that school leaders in some regions are collaborating with scientists in to develop emotion regulation lessons for curricula. Given the pivotal roles emotions play in our well-being, we all should be asking a question that Kross has heard many times: “Why wasn’t I taught this in school?”
April 24, 2025
As I finished this book earlier today, I arrived at work with a pretty big challenge. My co-teacher unfortunately resigned this week and I have been in charge of both of our classes. If there is one thing about emotions I know, it is that we are all sponges when it comes to them. The kids have been understandably upset, as they really did enjoy their teacher and his untimely resignation has impacted them, leaving them hurt and confused. I was tasked with telling them, which is a pretty stressful situation for all parties. I implemented the WOOP strategy I learned about in this book. I made a wish, came up with obstacles (there were a bunch of these), figured out what the outcome would/should look like, and finally made a plan. As I sit here, I find myself calm, emotions shifted, and the situation has been handled in the best way for me, for the kids, and I know everything will be okay. Spiraling averted! All this to say, I enjoyed the read, I learned from this read, and it has already impacted my life in a positive way. I plan on continuing to use some of the strategies from this insightful read in my everyday life and will definitely revisit it once or twice a year.
May 13, 2025
The reason I picked up this book from the library was the cover (yes, I did judge a book by its cover). Representing a shift from negative emotions to positive ones as a pendulum somehow made sense as a concept - it usually takes time to reach equilibrium. In all honesty though, I was not sure if I would get through more than a chapter; I don't usually enjoy this genre of books. After reading the first couple pages though, I found myself flipping through the rest.
Kross explains the concept of emotions in such a relevant and honest way - bringing together anecdotes backed by scientific findings to show the nuances of our emotions and how we can try to control them. It was clear throughout that there is no one right way, making the advice and findings feel more like tools that could be harnessed differently for different people. From being mindful of the people and spaces we occupy to the cultural norms of our families and society, Kross brought up many parts of our day to day lives that impact our emotions and how we can utilize the right tactics to shift our lives in the direction we want.
Kross explains the concept of emotions in such a relevant and honest way - bringing together anecdotes backed by scientific findings to show the nuances of our emotions and how we can try to control them. It was clear throughout that there is no one right way, making the advice and findings feel more like tools that could be harnessed differently for different people. From being mindful of the people and spaces we occupy to the cultural norms of our families and society, Kross brought up many parts of our day to day lives that impact our emotions and how we can utilize the right tactics to shift our lives in the direction we want.
January 9, 2025
Life, without an operating manual, should be written by Ethan Kross.
Emotions—their nature and management—experienced daily yet rarely taught about—are the focus of this book. Using science, examples, and practical tools, Kross explains emotions without overwhelming jargon.
A particularly impactful example is his grandmother, who, according to Kross, often coped with emotions through avoidance. I’ve encountered such individuals, but Shift taught me that everyone manages emotions differently, and avoidance isn’t always detrimental.
The bottom line: highly recommended for self-discovery and improved relationships.
Thank you to Crown Publishing for providing a copy via NetGalley.
Emotions—their nature and management—experienced daily yet rarely taught about—are the focus of this book. Using science, examples, and practical tools, Kross explains emotions without overwhelming jargon.
A particularly impactful example is his grandmother, who, according to Kross, often coped with emotions through avoidance. I’ve encountered such individuals, but Shift taught me that everyone manages emotions differently, and avoidance isn’t always detrimental.
The bottom line: highly recommended for self-discovery and improved relationships.
Thank you to Crown Publishing for providing a copy via NetGalley.
February 14, 2025
Doesn’t give you 5 steps to help solve any emotional challenge but asks great questions and prepares you to regulate what you’re feeling. Another great tool in an area where most of us haven’t been coached and don’t know what to do.
Kross makes the argument this kind of development is probably more valuable than much of our academic exercises we’ve forgotten.
Maybe it’s the season of life I’m currently in, but I can’t help but wonder how much I could have benefited from this decades ago. Either way, I’m grateful and encouraged to be aware of how important this issue is now.
Kross makes the argument this kind of development is probably more valuable than much of our academic exercises we’ve forgotten.
Maybe it’s the season of life I’m currently in, but I can’t help but wonder how much I could have benefited from this decades ago. Either way, I’m grateful and encouraged to be aware of how important this issue is now.
February 8, 2025
Interesting ideas and techniques on emotions and how to manage them. It’s about planning ahead so we know how to deal with the unexpected in a way that our individual mind and body respond to.
May 4, 2025
we cant AVOID emotions but we can SHIFT them
I think I'll re-read this later on
Intensity and duration are two main components of our emotions
best notes:
- calibrating our emotional experiences is a capacity everyone can learn – and it’s never too late to start
- Physical sensations – like a racing heartbeat or lump in the throat – require cognitive processing for us to make sense of them. Then, collectively, these two distinct components come together to form an emotional response.
- emotional regulation aka by deciding how to interpret an internal experience, altering our perspective, and carefully choosing our response, we can affect the duration and intensity of what we feel.
- As you become more familiar with your attentional patterns, you’ll become more skilled at efficiently and effectively toggling between approaching and avoiding
- Stepping into a different setting can disrupt habituated thought patterns. Choosing an area brimming with greenery – those verdant woods, for example – has been linked to enhanced focus. Leaning into places with particularly strong personal attachments can be an equally potent lever to pull. That cozy cafe your grandmother used to take you to as a child might muster the feeling of a warm embrace – and that's intel worth having for those moments when you need one.
- also rearranging furniture, cutting back on clutter, or adding personally meaningful items that spark joy – a photo of your beloved grandmother, perhaps – can profoundly change your emotional experience in this setting.
- Why not run a quick “space audit” and consider how your three most frequented spaces currently affect your mood. If there’s room for improvement, play with switching or modifying these spaces to spark a more desirable response.
- make a point of visiting your childhood cafe when you notice loneliness is pulling at your heart
WOOP: wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan:
- First, name a heartfelt wish – something personally or professionally meaningful to you.
- Next, envision the rewarding outcome you anticipate as a result of fulfilling this wish.
- Then, pinpoint what is likely to be your main obstacle to reaching this outcome.
- Finally, craft a plan using an if-then statement: “If I run into this obstacle, then I’ll take this outcome-aligned action.”
- So, the parent might plan, “If I’m tempted to skip family dinner to catch up on work, I’ll make a clear to-do list for tomorrow, then join my kids in savoring our meal.” Similarly, the professional might plan, “If I find myself irritable after an unnecessarily long meeting, I’ll go out of my way to identify and compliment a colleague’s worthwhile contribution.”
notes:
- Emotions are complex things. Sometimes, they’re loud and insistent, demanding immediate attention and action; other times, they bubble away beneath the surface, subtly shaping and steering your choices.
- emotions are indispensable – they’re signals that help us navigate relationships, interpret experiences, and respond to unexpected events.
- we must first dispel a common misconception: the belief that emotional feelings are the opposite of rational thought.
- from an evolutionary standpoint, emotions aren’t a bug; they’re a feature.
- While we can’t stop emotions from arising any more than we can the sun, we can influence whether they intensify or fade.
- emotion regulation is about building the capacity to appreciate, adapt to, and shift from whatever weather system happens to come our way.
- a bracing scent can energize you before your brain suggests another cup of coffee.
- Psychologists often point to an underlying principle known as the “law of least work,” which states organisms, us included, will favor conserving energy wherever possible. This is one reason why tapping into the internal shifter of your senses is such a good place to start: it requires very little work for very meaningful reward.
- The trick lies in intentionally curating your sensory inputs, so you’re not at their mercy. Returning to our pre-sleep example, perhaps you know that the sound of waves lapping a shoreline summons a sense of peace and relaxation. Why not have a YouTube video queued and simply press play when your head hits the pillow? You could even stack multiple sensory inputs – called sensory bundling – to further enhance your desired internal state. Perhaps, a pillow spray or bedroom diffuser could be added to your nighttime routine.
- Our ability to decide where to focus – and for how long – sets us apart from other species. This ability allows us to dive deep into a lingering concern or pivot away when a situation becomes overwhelming.
- the art lies in knowing when moving closer and stepping back are most advantageous for you
- you may find yourself adopting someone else’s excitement or tension, even if you felt completely different moments before. Because feelings flow inward from others and outward from you, relationships have a profound impact on how you experience the world
- the determining factor of whether comparison inspires or undermines you is the perspective you take
- It’s also worth monitoring how often you engage in comparisons
- excessive social comparisons risk chipping away at your emotional well-being. However, if you are careful in when and how you compare, you can transform this innate wiring into a compelling tool for moving toward the life you desire.
- “emotional contagion” is a very real thing, responsible for rapidly spreading feelings amongst family, friends, and colleagues, frequently without our cognition. Becoming aware of this dynamic empowers you to respond more thoughtfully
I think I'll re-read this later on
Intensity and duration are two main components of our emotions
best notes:
- calibrating our emotional experiences is a capacity everyone can learn – and it’s never too late to start
- Physical sensations – like a racing heartbeat or lump in the throat – require cognitive processing for us to make sense of them. Then, collectively, these two distinct components come together to form an emotional response.
- emotional regulation aka by deciding how to interpret an internal experience, altering our perspective, and carefully choosing our response, we can affect the duration and intensity of what we feel.
- As you become more familiar with your attentional patterns, you’ll become more skilled at efficiently and effectively toggling between approaching and avoiding
- Stepping into a different setting can disrupt habituated thought patterns. Choosing an area brimming with greenery – those verdant woods, for example – has been linked to enhanced focus. Leaning into places with particularly strong personal attachments can be an equally potent lever to pull. That cozy cafe your grandmother used to take you to as a child might muster the feeling of a warm embrace – and that's intel worth having for those moments when you need one.
- also rearranging furniture, cutting back on clutter, or adding personally meaningful items that spark joy – a photo of your beloved grandmother, perhaps – can profoundly change your emotional experience in this setting.
- Why not run a quick “space audit” and consider how your three most frequented spaces currently affect your mood. If there’s room for improvement, play with switching or modifying these spaces to spark a more desirable response.
- make a point of visiting your childhood cafe when you notice loneliness is pulling at your heart
WOOP: wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan:
- First, name a heartfelt wish – something personally or professionally meaningful to you.
- Next, envision the rewarding outcome you anticipate as a result of fulfilling this wish.
- Then, pinpoint what is likely to be your main obstacle to reaching this outcome.
- Finally, craft a plan using an if-then statement: “If I run into this obstacle, then I’ll take this outcome-aligned action.”
- So, the parent might plan, “If I’m tempted to skip family dinner to catch up on work, I’ll make a clear to-do list for tomorrow, then join my kids in savoring our meal.” Similarly, the professional might plan, “If I find myself irritable after an unnecessarily long meeting, I’ll go out of my way to identify and compliment a colleague’s worthwhile contribution.”
notes:
- Emotions are complex things. Sometimes, they’re loud and insistent, demanding immediate attention and action; other times, they bubble away beneath the surface, subtly shaping and steering your choices.
- emotions are indispensable – they’re signals that help us navigate relationships, interpret experiences, and respond to unexpected events.
- we must first dispel a common misconception: the belief that emotional feelings are the opposite of rational thought.
- from an evolutionary standpoint, emotions aren’t a bug; they’re a feature.
- While we can’t stop emotions from arising any more than we can the sun, we can influence whether they intensify or fade.
- emotion regulation is about building the capacity to appreciate, adapt to, and shift from whatever weather system happens to come our way.
- a bracing scent can energize you before your brain suggests another cup of coffee.
- Psychologists often point to an underlying principle known as the “law of least work,” which states organisms, us included, will favor conserving energy wherever possible. This is one reason why tapping into the internal shifter of your senses is such a good place to start: it requires very little work for very meaningful reward.
- The trick lies in intentionally curating your sensory inputs, so you’re not at their mercy. Returning to our pre-sleep example, perhaps you know that the sound of waves lapping a shoreline summons a sense of peace and relaxation. Why not have a YouTube video queued and simply press play when your head hits the pillow? You could even stack multiple sensory inputs – called sensory bundling – to further enhance your desired internal state. Perhaps, a pillow spray or bedroom diffuser could be added to your nighttime routine.
- Our ability to decide where to focus – and for how long – sets us apart from other species. This ability allows us to dive deep into a lingering concern or pivot away when a situation becomes overwhelming.
- the art lies in knowing when moving closer and stepping back are most advantageous for you
- you may find yourself adopting someone else’s excitement or tension, even if you felt completely different moments before. Because feelings flow inward from others and outward from you, relationships have a profound impact on how you experience the world
- the determining factor of whether comparison inspires or undermines you is the perspective you take
- It’s also worth monitoring how often you engage in comparisons
- excessive social comparisons risk chipping away at your emotional well-being. However, if you are careful in when and how you compare, you can transform this innate wiring into a compelling tool for moving toward the life you desire.
- “emotional contagion” is a very real thing, responsible for rapidly spreading feelings amongst family, friends, and colleagues, frequently without our cognition. Becoming aware of this dynamic empowers you to respond more thoughtfully
February 27, 2025
3.5 stars. Not a bad book, but also nothing very earth shattering. A lot of this was advice I feel like you could find in lifestyle magazines - not bad advice, but nothing new. I found the best part (and most fascinating) to be the background stories, explanations on how research was conducted, and how corporations used some of these tactics. It’s an easy read and if the world of emotions is interesting to you then you’ll enjoy this book.
May 18, 2025
Just like “Chatter,” which I read last year, “Shift” is another well-written and accessible book by Ethan Kross. His research is shared in a way that is easy to understand and brought to life by relevant anecdotes, and his suggestions are simple and easy to implement. For those longing to know more about emotional regulation, for their own thriving and the benefit of those around them, this is a fabulously helpful book!
September 10, 2025
We may not be able to avoid emotions, but we can learn to recognize and understand them, helping us to reframe them and shift our focus. Kross provides an interesting examination of this idea complete with examples from his own life and those of others.
February 20, 2025
4.5 stars
This book came out at the exact time I needed it, and it was extremely helpful. The author talks about tools people already have (senses, attention, etc) and are already using unconsciously. It's pretty easy to use those things to manage your emotions with just a little shift (heh heh, that's the title) of attention and effort. He doesn't present a one-size-fits-all approach--it's more a presentation of several different options. He gives a lot of examples from his own life and others' lives. It's not complicated, it's research-based, and it made sense to me.
A few chapters from the end, I was recommending it to a friend and saying how nice it was that the book didn't have a bunch of million-step action plans to remember or cute acronyms. Then the last chapter had a cute acronym. WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. Oh, well. I still recommend it.
This book came out at the exact time I needed it, and it was extremely helpful. The author talks about tools people already have (senses, attention, etc) and are already using unconsciously. It's pretty easy to use those things to manage your emotions with just a little shift (heh heh, that's the title) of attention and effort. He doesn't present a one-size-fits-all approach--it's more a presentation of several different options. He gives a lot of examples from his own life and others' lives. It's not complicated, it's research-based, and it made sense to me.
A few chapters from the end, I was recommending it to a friend and saying how nice it was that the book didn't have a bunch of million-step action plans to remember or cute acronyms. Then the last chapter had a cute acronym. WOOP: Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. Oh, well. I still recommend it.
March 23, 2025
Obsessed with this book!!! I listened to it on audio but I just bought it and plan to read it again!!!
August 6, 2025
no,thanks ❤️I’d rather stay insane
February 4, 2025
I absolutely loved and hated this book. It was the book I needed but didn't want to hear, and at too many points, it felt as if Kross was talking directly to me saying, "You there! Yes, you - you do this and it's not good. Here's what to do instead and why..."
Kross not only gives you explanations as to what emotions are (and how they differ from feelings), but how and why we should acknowledge them all - even the bad ones. Which, lets be honest, are the ones most of us struggle with.
This book is full of knowledge, facts, studies and tools for every single person on their self-growth journey.
**Thank you NetGalley and Crown Publishing for sending this book for review. All opinions are my own.**
Kross not only gives you explanations as to what emotions are (and how they differ from feelings), but how and why we should acknowledge them all - even the bad ones. Which, lets be honest, are the ones most of us struggle with.
This book is full of knowledge, facts, studies and tools for every single person on their self-growth journey.
**Thank you NetGalley and Crown Publishing for sending this book for review. All opinions are my own.**
February 20, 2025
I received an ARC from Penquin Random House in exchange for an honest review.
Kross is considered to be the leading expert on the study of emotions. From his website “My lab explores how people can control their emotions to improve our understanding of how self-control works and to discover ways of enhancing self-control in daily life.” This book presents some of his conclusions which he then extrapolates into tools for people to control their emotions. A host of studies back up his ideas. There are 37 pages of Notes.
He starts with explaining the difference between emotions and feelings and rightfully expresses what we all learned from the movie Inside Out (2015 Pixar Studios), we need all of our feelings, not just the joyous ones, to maneuver through this life. Emotional regulation is essential to our maturing successfully - studies even show “it proved more influential than the socioeconomic circumstances of a child’s family or even a child’s intelligence levels in predicting outcomes.” (page 20)
A few other points that stood out to me:
We cannot control external triggers but we can control their trajectory.
A host of sensory tools can influence our emotions. (music, art, surroundings)
“The law of least work which means that all things being equal, organisms (including humans) tend to choose the path of least physical and mental effort.” (pg 61)
Controlling the attention you give an emotion can change its effect.
ABC = Adverse Event, Belief, Consequence - if you can change B you can change C. This goes along with a teaching tool the sports coaches I knew used - Situation + Response = Outcome.
A scientific study found that the likelihood of being diagnosed with depression can be predicted “based in part on the amount of first-person singular pronouns contained in a person’s Facebook posts.” (page 102) This too is in keeping with my personal experience that a person about to end their marriage becomes very self-absorbed.
Kross presents tools to control what you can, whether the tools be internal or external, but know there is no one-size-fits-all.
I recommend this book as it has good information and is presented in a readable fashion for the average layman.
Kross is considered to be the leading expert on the study of emotions. From his website “My lab explores how people can control their emotions to improve our understanding of how self-control works and to discover ways of enhancing self-control in daily life.” This book presents some of his conclusions which he then extrapolates into tools for people to control their emotions. A host of studies back up his ideas. There are 37 pages of Notes.
He starts with explaining the difference between emotions and feelings and rightfully expresses what we all learned from the movie Inside Out (2015 Pixar Studios), we need all of our feelings, not just the joyous ones, to maneuver through this life. Emotional regulation is essential to our maturing successfully - studies even show “it proved more influential than the socioeconomic circumstances of a child’s family or even a child’s intelligence levels in predicting outcomes.” (page 20)
A few other points that stood out to me:
We cannot control external triggers but we can control their trajectory.
A host of sensory tools can influence our emotions. (music, art, surroundings)
“The law of least work which means that all things being equal, organisms (including humans) tend to choose the path of least physical and mental effort.” (pg 61)
Controlling the attention you give an emotion can change its effect.
ABC = Adverse Event, Belief, Consequence - if you can change B you can change C. This goes along with a teaching tool the sports coaches I knew used - Situation + Response = Outcome.
A scientific study found that the likelihood of being diagnosed with depression can be predicted “based in part on the amount of first-person singular pronouns contained in a person’s Facebook posts.” (page 102) This too is in keeping with my personal experience that a person about to end their marriage becomes very self-absorbed.
Kross presents tools to control what you can, whether the tools be internal or external, but know there is no one-size-fits-all.
I recommend this book as it has good information and is presented in a readable fashion for the average layman.
February 23, 2025
Great Book for Effectively Managing Your Emotions
Because I read and enjoyed Ethan Kross’s previous book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, I looked forward to his latest release Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don’t Manage You.
As I expected, I thoroughly enjoyed his latest book because he provides tools to manage our emotions. It is not a step-by-step book because we are individuals and respond differently. What works well for me may not work for you. And what works for you in one circumstance may not work well in another.
Unfortunately, there is no panacea for managing our emotions. For me, it is more of being aware of our emotions and aware of our toolbox. We can experiment to see what works best for us in different situations.
Because I read and enjoyed Ethan Kross’s previous book Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It, I looked forward to his latest release Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don’t Manage You.
As I expected, I thoroughly enjoyed his latest book because he provides tools to manage our emotions. It is not a step-by-step book because we are individuals and respond differently. What works well for me may not work for you. And what works for you in one circumstance may not work well in another.
Unfortunately, there is no panacea for managing our emotions. For me, it is more of being aware of our emotions and aware of our toolbox. We can experiment to see what works best for us in different situations.
April 10, 2025
A book filled with fluff and not a lot of content. Gives many ideas to manage emotions, but practically everything is common sense and you've likely read it in every other non-fiction book you've read before.
Save yourself the time and $$ and skip this one.
Save yourself the time and $$ and skip this one.
July 2, 2025
I enjoyed this book about shifting our emotional states with skill. Kross offers perspective and practical skills on how to do so. It was a great companion to his first book, Chatter.
Here is an outline of key ideas:
Introduction & Chapter 1: Why We Feel
• Core Idea: Emotions aren’t flaws—they’re vital, guiding tools (like anxiety signaling danger) .
• Chapter Story: Navy SEAL trainee Matt Maasdam in SERE school confronts extreme emotions, learning they can be directed rather than feared .
• Takeaway: Embrace emotions as adaptive signals—intensity and duration matter.
⸻
Chapter 2: Can You Really Control Your Emotions?
• Core Idea: You may not stop initial emotional triggers, but you can steer your response .
• Chapter Story: Luisa stays calm during a mid-flight allergic emergency for her daughter, then wrestles with intrusive anxiety afterward .
• Takeaway: Your self-efficacy—belief in regulating emotions—is a skill that can be cultivated.
⸻
Chapter 3: Sensory Shifters
• Core Idea: Sensory experiences (e.g., music, scent) tap deep neural pathways to shift mood effortlessly .
• Example: A ’80s power ballad’s soothing power or sensory “bundles” (playlist + diffuser) help quickly alter states .
• Takeaway: Sensory tools are efficient “emotional side doors.”
⸻
Chapter 4: Attention Shifters
• Core Idea: Flexibly directing attention—sometimes confronting, sometimes avoiding—builds emotional resilience .
• Takeaway: Avoid “always face it” mindset. Adapt focus based on context and need.
⸻
Chapter 5: Perspective Shifters
• Core Idea: Zooming out—reframing the narrative, third-person self-talk, or temporal distance—gives control over emotional reactions ().
• Takeaway: Cognitive distancing reshapes responses and restores calm.
⸻
Chapter 6: Space Shifters
• Core Idea: Physical environment shapes your emotional state—switching or redesigning spaces can subtly tune mood .
• Takeaway: Use environments purposefully: calming, energizing, or supportive to your goals.
⸻
Chapter 7: Relationship Shifters
• Core Idea: Emotions are contagious; social support can help shift emotional states ().
• Takeaway: Identify people who validate AND uplift—helping others can also benefit your own mind.
⸻
Chapter 8: Culture Shifters
• Core Idea: Culture—whether family, organization, or society—provides emotional scaffolding via shared beliefs, norms, and practices .
• Takeaway: Assess whether your current culture supports or hinders emotional health. You may adapt or change it.
⸻
Chapter 9: Making Shifting Automatic (WOOP)
• Core Idea: Knowing emotional tools isn’t enough—you must plan and embed them into routine using the WOOP framework: Wish–Outcome–Obstacle–Plan .
• Takeaway: This scaffolds automatic responses to emotion triggers, closing the knowledge-action gap.
⸻
🔑 Key Themes Across the Book
1. Emotions are informative, not problems.
2. Internal shifters: senses, attention, perspective.
3. External shifters: space, relationships, culture.
4. Effectiveness lies in flexible use and integration—not one-size-fits-all strategies.
5. Planning with WOOP helps turn insights into habits.
Here is an outline of key ideas:
Introduction & Chapter 1: Why We Feel
• Core Idea: Emotions aren’t flaws—they’re vital, guiding tools (like anxiety signaling danger) .
• Chapter Story: Navy SEAL trainee Matt Maasdam in SERE school confronts extreme emotions, learning they can be directed rather than feared .
• Takeaway: Embrace emotions as adaptive signals—intensity and duration matter.
⸻
Chapter 2: Can You Really Control Your Emotions?
• Core Idea: You may not stop initial emotional triggers, but you can steer your response .
• Chapter Story: Luisa stays calm during a mid-flight allergic emergency for her daughter, then wrestles with intrusive anxiety afterward .
• Takeaway: Your self-efficacy—belief in regulating emotions—is a skill that can be cultivated.
⸻
Chapter 3: Sensory Shifters
• Core Idea: Sensory experiences (e.g., music, scent) tap deep neural pathways to shift mood effortlessly .
• Example: A ’80s power ballad’s soothing power or sensory “bundles” (playlist + diffuser) help quickly alter states .
• Takeaway: Sensory tools are efficient “emotional side doors.”
⸻
Chapter 4: Attention Shifters
• Core Idea: Flexibly directing attention—sometimes confronting, sometimes avoiding—builds emotional resilience .
• Takeaway: Avoid “always face it” mindset. Adapt focus based on context and need.
⸻
Chapter 5: Perspective Shifters
• Core Idea: Zooming out—reframing the narrative, third-person self-talk, or temporal distance—gives control over emotional reactions ().
• Takeaway: Cognitive distancing reshapes responses and restores calm.
⸻
Chapter 6: Space Shifters
• Core Idea: Physical environment shapes your emotional state—switching or redesigning spaces can subtly tune mood .
• Takeaway: Use environments purposefully: calming, energizing, or supportive to your goals.
⸻
Chapter 7: Relationship Shifters
• Core Idea: Emotions are contagious; social support can help shift emotional states ().
• Takeaway: Identify people who validate AND uplift—helping others can also benefit your own mind.
⸻
Chapter 8: Culture Shifters
• Core Idea: Culture—whether family, organization, or society—provides emotional scaffolding via shared beliefs, norms, and practices .
• Takeaway: Assess whether your current culture supports or hinders emotional health. You may adapt or change it.
⸻
Chapter 9: Making Shifting Automatic (WOOP)
• Core Idea: Knowing emotional tools isn’t enough—you must plan and embed them into routine using the WOOP framework: Wish–Outcome–Obstacle–Plan .
• Takeaway: This scaffolds automatic responses to emotion triggers, closing the knowledge-action gap.
⸻
🔑 Key Themes Across the Book
1. Emotions are informative, not problems.
2. Internal shifters: senses, attention, perspective.
3. External shifters: space, relationships, culture.
4. Effectiveness lies in flexible use and integration—not one-size-fits-all strategies.
5. Planning with WOOP helps turn insights into habits.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 9, 2026
In Shift, Kross focuses on something that everyone has: emotions. And while everyone has emotions, there are whole host of us who struggle with how to deal with them in a productive and beneficial manner. How can you stop yourself from boiling with rage any time you get stuck in traffic? Or to stop worrying about that thing you can't control? Kross outlines a smattering of different strategies for how to shift your emotions from working against you to working for you, and he has the science and the examples to back up his claims.
I really wish I'd read this book in paperback and took notes as I went along, as listening to it in audiobook format means I didn't absorb as much of the content than I would've if I'd consumed the pages in a different format. But that, of course, is a me problem and and not an issue with the book. I appreciated that Kross outlined that there are multiple different strategies for shifting emotions - from sensory shifters (indulging in pleasing smells/sounds/tastes) to attention shifters (redirecting one's attention away from the emotionally distressing thing) to perspective shifters (changing your timeline to the future or past, or thinking of yourself as "you" rather than "me") to environmental and social shifters (leveraging different places/spaces/people/cultures). This provides the reader (or listener!) a variety of techniques to try out and see which ones work and which ones don't. I also dug that Kross pointed out that there's no "right" way to regulate your emotions, which is why so many different techniques were reviewed.
I appreciated that the book had a good balance of science based research and personal stories mixed in to give the reader two sides of the same coin. Sometimes self help books tend to weigh too heavily one way or the other and feel lopsided. But not this one!
I really wish I'd read this book in paperback and took notes as I went along, as listening to it in audiobook format means I didn't absorb as much of the content than I would've if I'd consumed the pages in a different format. But that, of course, is a me problem and and not an issue with the book. I appreciated that Kross outlined that there are multiple different strategies for shifting emotions - from sensory shifters (indulging in pleasing smells/sounds/tastes) to attention shifters (redirecting one's attention away from the emotionally distressing thing) to perspective shifters (changing your timeline to the future or past, or thinking of yourself as "you" rather than "me") to environmental and social shifters (leveraging different places/spaces/people/cultures). This provides the reader (or listener!) a variety of techniques to try out and see which ones work and which ones don't. I also dug that Kross pointed out that there's no "right" way to regulate your emotions, which is why so many different techniques were reviewed.
I appreciated that the book had a good balance of science based research and personal stories mixed in to give the reader two sides of the same coin. Sometimes self help books tend to weigh too heavily one way or the other and feel lopsided. But not this one!
December 17, 2025
generally not a huge fan of self-help books for no other reason than 1) they’re not nearly as interesting as reading about history and 2) none of the advice other than my bby the let them theory is super groundbreaking-> it’s mainly putting what you know to practice, something i feel like i have a good grasp on in reaching my goals.
2 stars and not 1 because i enjoyed the discussions about 1) any given emotion not being inherently bad-> guilt can spur someone to right a wrong that they inflicted and anger can spur someone to right a wrong someone inflicted on them, 2) perspective shifting (talking to yourself in second person rather than first) can help you not feel so hopeless: how would you help a friend going through this situation? (usually much more compassionately than you would help yourself), and 3) there not being a 1-size fits all solution: sometimes avoiding emotions helps, and sometimes it hurts. none of these were particularly breakthrough and i enjoyed the anecdotes throughout…
… WITH THE EXCEPTION OF the constant imperialism, capitalism, and racism propaganda rampant in the book. the most referred to example in this book is of a navy seal in iraq managing his emotions while most likely terrorizing innocent brown children in the name of US oil interests. also, he references an apartheid, genoc!dal country as a safe haven in the first couple sentences of the book. this together with the fact that he’s focusing on his own emotional well-being reads as white colonizers trying to live with the horrors they’ve inflicted on innocent people
2 stars and not 1 because i enjoyed the discussions about 1) any given emotion not being inherently bad-> guilt can spur someone to right a wrong that they inflicted and anger can spur someone to right a wrong someone inflicted on them, 2) perspective shifting (talking to yourself in second person rather than first) can help you not feel so hopeless: how would you help a friend going through this situation? (usually much more compassionately than you would help yourself), and 3) there not being a 1-size fits all solution: sometimes avoiding emotions helps, and sometimes it hurts. none of these were particularly breakthrough and i enjoyed the anecdotes throughout…
… WITH THE EXCEPTION OF the constant imperialism, capitalism, and racism propaganda rampant in the book. the most referred to example in this book is of a navy seal in iraq managing his emotions while most likely terrorizing innocent brown children in the name of US oil interests. also, he references an apartheid, genoc!dal country as a safe haven in the first couple sentences of the book. this together with the fact that he’s focusing on his own emotional well-being reads as white colonizers trying to live with the horrors they’ve inflicted on innocent people
April 20, 2025
Based on his research into emotions and using many personal examples the author relates why emotions are important and how we can control them and use them to our advantage. Internal emotional shifters we can use based on our senses, directing our attention to or away from our emotions, and our perspective on our emotions. Additionally there are external emotional shifters such as changing our space or removing our emotional triggers, using relationships and culture to control our emotions. The main point raised by the author was that there is not a one size fits all solution to controlling our emotions, using the shifters that the authors discusses in this book in a combination that works for you. I received a free ARC of this book from the publisher through the Goodreads First Reads giveaways.
March 14, 2025
I just finished "Shift," by Ethan Kross. It's about how to shift our emotional states rather than suppressing or exacerbating them. I listened to it rather than reading it, and I wish I'd been able to take notes on it. It had a lot of good information about emotional strategies, and I'd like to develop it into an outline for action and further research, but it's hard because I don't remember everything in it. I think this is a valuable, useful, and action-oriented book. If you read it, I'd suggest doing so in an environment where you can take notes.
July 6, 2025
This book shares great tools about managing emotions and I love that the tools are tangible and actually realistic to use in everyday life. I really enjoyed the stories integrated throughout the book (especially when talking about his grandma’s experiences as a Holocaust survivor) - it definitely made it much more engaging. Overall a great read and so cool that Ethan was my professor!
April 30, 2025
Short book about how to work on emotional regulation, primarily by using or changing things in your environment (such as tapping into sounds and smells, removing things that are triggering, etc.). This isn't going to take the place of therapy, but could provide buffer type ideas.
November 11, 2025
So freaking good, life changing lessons on how every little thing in your daily life affects your emotional life on a greater scale. I apply lessons from this book to my life everyday and I read it months ago
March 11, 2025
2.5 stars
March 28, 2025
It is one of the best books I have read on emotional regulation and a real must for all. Kross sets an interesting context by describing how the earliest form of surgery was done to help people regulate their feelings and how managing emotions leads to various positive outcomes. Referencing Bandura's research is always a winner, and Kross's emphasis on self-efficacy as a tool for emotional regulation is a good one.
Kross' emotional regulation toolkit:
Internal
1. Sensory control
2. Attention flexibility
3. Time Travel
External
1. Space shifters (including those who live around us)
2. Relationship shifter (being around emotionally stable people, ensuring comparisons have the right effect, performing acts of care)
3. Culture shifters (including religion)
Ending with the WOOP framework seemed unnecessary, but having seen it before, I had an information bias.
Kross' emotional regulation toolkit:
Internal
1. Sensory control
2. Attention flexibility
3. Time Travel
External
1. Space shifters (including those who live around us)
2. Relationship shifter (being around emotionally stable people, ensuring comparisons have the right effect, performing acts of care)
3. Culture shifters (including religion)
Ending with the WOOP framework seemed unnecessary, but having seen it before, I had an information bias.
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