To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power

by Robert Augustus Masters

A groundbreaking guide to a genuinely healthy masculinity, at the heart of which is a potent pathway: facing our unresolved wounds and whatever else holds us back, bringing our head, heart, and guts into full-blooded alignment.

To Be a Man clarifies what’s needed to enter a manhood as strongly empowered as it’s vulnerable, as emotionally literate as it’s unapologetically alive, a manhood at home with truly intimate relationship.

In this book, readers will explore:
• How your past may be dominating your present
• Shame in its healthy and unhealthy forms, and how to make wise use of it
• How vulnerability can be a source of strength
• Emotional literacy—an essential skill for relational well-being
• Releasing sex from the obligation to make you feel better
• How to disempower your inner critic
• Bringing your shadow (whatever you’ve disowned in yourself) out of the dark
• Embodying your natural heroism and persisting regardless of fear
• What women need from men
• Understanding and outgrowing pornography
• Entering the heartland of true masculine power

If you’ve read your share of popular advice on relationships and being a man—but realize on a gut level that it’s going to take some serious inner work—here’s a great guide to that most rewarding of challenges: doing what’s needed to fully embody your authentic manhood.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Personal Development, Philosophy, Gender Studies, Spirituality

291 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2015

About the author

Robert Augustus Masters was born in Victoria, British Columbia in 1947. From an early age he was an avid artist, but in high school switched to the sciences, with which he stayed until he found himself at the age of 21 in a PhD program in biochemistry. Little more than a year later, only a few hours after a dream of dying, he left his doctoral studies, and began an odyssey of intense travel, initially outer, then inner.


As he did so, his passion for the arts reemerged, especially through writing. He began meditating, doing yoga, and exploring cutting-edge therapies and trainings. By 1978 he was working as a therapist and bodyworker. From the beginning his work was integral and creatively structured, combining the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Structure was not (and still is not) preset, but was (and still is) allowed to emerge in fitting accordance with individual and group needs.


In 1981 he won his first literary prize — an all-expenses paid trip for two to Hawaii — for his story of a particularly perilous Indonesian adventure he’d had 8 years earlier. This spurred him to immerse himself more fully in his writing. He also deepened his psychospiritual work, which spread worldwide in the late 1980s.


In early 1994 his life abruptly and dramatically changed, following an extremely harrowing near-death experience, which is described in his book Darkness Shining Wild. Since 1986 he had been leading an experimental psychospiritual community (also described in Darkness Shining Wild), which had gradually gone strongly awry. He had become more and more of a guru, abusing his power, not seeing that what he was leading had become a cult. His near-death experience brought this to a halt, breaking him down so deeply that he could not resurrect his former way of being. A half year later, still shaken to the core and overcome with remorse, he disbanded the community, soon thereafter beginning a very different journey, that of fully facing and working through what had driven him so far off track.


A year later he resumed his work, but in a much more compassionate, radically inclusive manner, centered to a significant degree by the practice of becoming intimate with all that we are — high and low, dark and light, dying and undying. He became a student again, completing a PhD program in psychology at Saybrook Graduate School in 1999; his dissertation received the highest award (dissertation with distinction). In 1998 he co-edited the Fall issue of ReVision: A Journal of Consciousness and Transformation (the theme of the issue being “Intimate Relationships and Spirituality”).


Evolving in fitting parallel with his relationally-rooted psychospiritual work has been his writing. He is the author not only of fourteen books, but also of numerous essays. In 2000 his essay “Wrathful Compassion” won the Editor’s Award for the best article of the year in the Journal of Transpersonal Psychology. His essays have appeared in a number of publications, most recently Spanda Journal. His books have received critical acclaim; Christiane Northrup, Jean Houston, Ken Wilber, Harville Hendrix, and Jack Kornfield are among those who have strongly endorsed his writing. In 2008 his book Transformation Through Intimacy was a Nautilus Book Awards finalist (Silver Winner). His latest book is To Be a Man: A Guide to True Masculine Power.

Reviews

[Ben Azadi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I just finished this profound book by Robert Masters. It goes against all conventional ways of thinking about manhood that have been shaped by the media and modern society.

The books shows how so many men cannot sustain intimate relationships because of what he calls the "unholy triumvirate" of "unhealthy forms of shame, power and sex." Masters covers the need for men to deal with the disowned parts of themselves by facing their shadow. He also recommends shifting from aggression to anger and dealing with violence.

Overall this is a great guide for the modern man to understand himself, and his partner.

"I have seen many men suffer by shutting themselves off from their own depths, stranding themselves from what would enable them to have truly fulfilling relationships — not just their empathy, vulnerability, and capacity for emotional literacy, but also their true power and resolve, their authenticity, their capacity to anchor themselves in real integrity. There is a deeper life for men, a life in which responsibility and freedom go hand in hand and level upon level, a life in which happiness is rooted not in what we have but in what we fundamentally are."

[Campbell · Rating 5 out of 5]

"This book is for men who are not willing to deny their masculinity nor uncritically accept cultural narratives and unconscious beliefs and behaviors that damage them and others."

Last year I started a men's group and since I have been reading lots of the classic texts in the men's work oeuvre (No More Mr. Nice Guy, Way of the Superior Man). "To Be a Man," filled in gaps left by those other fantastic works, especially in the domains of sexuality. I found the portion on "Sex" (part IV) alone to be worth reading the whole book.

(for context I'm 23, grew up in LA, living in north America)

While other fantastic men's literature helps us men reconnect to our desires and express our needs, especially sexually, this book helped me engage critically with my desires while still appreciating and holding them as beautiful parts of myself.

For example, although I have ceased porn use for two years now, I have struggled with my pornification of women and how I view women on the street or fetishize certain body parts, clothing styles, hair, etc. This book helped me understand how these fetishes develop from culture and especially from formative youth and childhood experiences and how they can hinder genuine sexual intimacy rather than enhance connection with myself and my "needs."

In the Sex section, Robert also discusses how we saddle sex with jobs it isn't meant to have like relaxing us, proving we're manly or powerful, or fixing our relationships. This may seem simple but the text was very insightful and I recommend anyone curious about this to check out the book. It was a paradigm shift in my embodied perspective on sexuality.

Another valuable theme which constantly occurs in my men's group is the obsession and shame around competency. The book explores men's often times abusive relationship to competency in great detail.

At one point in the book, Robert suggests a simple tip to become aware of our relationship with pride. He says to ask yourself, "Do you have pride or does pride have you?" This means, am I a container for my pride, curiously relating to it, or am I taken over by my pride, controlled by it.

This quote summarized the power of the book for me. Do I have desire or does desire have me? Do I have a relationship or does my relationship have me? Do I have anger/shame/sadness or do they have me? ETC ETC.

This book is helping me come into right relationship with my experiences, emotions, desires, drives, dreams and predilections.

PS: Notes on the other reviews

- I agree that the writing is often very flowery and rich with adjectives. While this is sometimes distracting, it is clearly coming from Robert's heart and that too me gives it a trustworthy authenticity that I appreciate and connect with. Since it is not fiction, I didn't count it as a strike against the book. The meat of the book is found throughout these poetic lines, and since many of the lines are poetic, not all the images will resonate with everyone. That said, it is full of clear, concise suggestions, descriptions and lists of actions you can take.

[Koen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Only a few chapters were interesting enough in my honest opinion.
But probably because I'm already a man very much in touch with my emotions and not so much an angry, porn addicted momma's boy.
I had to laugh or gasp a lot at Masters was sometimes describing, the things he had done/encountered/witnessed/.. whatever..
So, this might be useful to certain people, but I'm not one of them... I'll be holding on to the book, just in case I run into somebody and I can smack him in the head with it :D

[Eli]

DNF @ page 93.

Just not for me. I'm not going to rate it because I do think it was good content, but I found it terribly boring. I didn't get much out of what I read so I decided to cut my losses.

[Miles · Rating 2 out of 5]

Summary:

Robert Masters’s To Be a Man is a passionate text that challenges men to grow and heal in ways that will generate what Masters calls “true masculine power.” Focusing on the topics of shame, anger, aggression, relational intimacy, and sex, Masters explores the dysfunctional patterns that pervade modern models of masculinity, offering alternative frameworks that can improve the processes of gender socialization, identity formation, and relationship navigation for boys and men. By embracing all aspects of masculinity and aligning “heart, guts, and head,” Masters claims that men can liberate themselves from the constraints of conventional masculinity and step into ways of living that are truly heroic.

Key Concepts and Notes:

––This is the first of Masters’s book I have read. He’s a good writer with a flare for poetic language. His prose conveys a masculine verve that I found appealing, especially early on.
––A central theme of the book is that healthy masculinity is a balancing act between seemingly-oppositional qualities. Masters invites men to explore what it means to be “both hard and soft, penetrating and fluid, finely focused and panoramic” (78). In doing so, men can learn that these qualities are in fact not oppositional but opportunities for synthesis, leading men to discover “wholeness” and “true masculine power”: “When head (thinking, rationality, analysis), heart (caring, compassion, love), and guts (resolve, resilience, bravery) all inform each other and work together, a true healthy manhood cannot help but arise” (xiv). I find this to be a novel and useful way of articulating healthy masculinity. I also think it’s incomplete, which I’ll explain later in this review.
––Another main theme is that Masters consistently advocates for self-acceptance, even of the parts of masculinity that are often caricatured or demonized (e.g. anger/aggression). For Masters, it’s all about noticing and becoming intimate with various forms of male energy, then learning to channel them in ways that are productive and socially sensitive rather than destructive and socially harmful.
The particular components of healthy masculinity that preoccupy Masters are shame, anger, aggression, relational intimacy, and sex. Each of these gets a detailed treatment, with Masters explaining how he thinks men tend to suffer unnecessarily and how they can develop better relationships with their self-concepts and romantic partners. With the exception of sex, I generally found Masters’s observations to be correct and helpful. He is especially adept at describing how shame, anger, and aggression operate in the male psyche, along with the importance of “shadow work” in addressing dysfunction and opening the path to healing. His definition of reactivity as “the dramatization of activated shadow material” is excellent (88).
––Another aspect of the book that I truly enjoyed were the sections of film analysis. I don’t often see psychologists spending much time critiquing popular movies, so these parts were surprising and fun. I especially appreciated Masters’s discussion of James Cameron’s Avatar, a film for which I have deep love and that I think doesn’t always get the credit it deserves for being more than simply an impressive step forward in computer imaging technology.
––Hopefully I’ve made it clear that I found some of this book valuable, but unfortunately I also had a lot of problems with it. The first of these is that, while the writing is artful, it’s also extremely verbose and repetitive. I’m learning that this is the norm for psychology books written by therapists, and it’s really starting to drive me nuts. Almost all the books I’ve read in this niche could be reduced to a single long essay. After the first few chapters, the quest for genuinely new content is not a rewarding one. One gets the sense that writers and editors are just adding filler to get a text to a certain length that publishers want, rather than asking whether the author actually has enough to say about a topic to justify an entire book. Masters begins repeating himself almost immediately and never stops.
––Another related problem is that this book makes absolutely no effort to engage with contemporary scientific literature or other writers in the field. If this was the first book you read on the topic of healthy masculinity, you might conclude that Masters is the only person to ever tackle the subject. In fact, the most common references are to Masters’s other books, and the text contains not a single citation, no list of references/bibliography, and no index. The level of scholarship is incredibly lazy, and will leave readers rightfully wondering why they should treat Masters’s views as anything other than mere opinion.
––From a theoretical standpoint, I think Masters makes several major errors. The first is that his conceptualizations of healthy masculinity and “true masculine power” seem to lack any substantial connection to service or leadership. Masters talks a lot about the importance of gaining inner strength and achieving relational intimacy with romantic partners, but very little about how those qualities can benefit children, communities, workplaces, or governments. So his view ends up feeling inward-facing and self-centered, which isn’t bad in itself but doesn’t feel balanced. In both my personal and professional experience, men need a way to connect their personal growth to something greater than themselves in order to truly mature. Such ideas have been articulated beautifully by many writers, with Terrence Real and Scott Barry Kaufman being two of my favorites.
––Another problem is that Masters repeatedly states that compassion can’t exist in the absence of empathy. This is just wrong in my opinion. It’s true that empathy often leads to compassion, but compassion can also be accessed through moral reasoning, duty, or as a learned behavior to help facilitate social harmony. In fact, writers like Paul Bloom have effectively argued that empathy does not require compassion and that empathy can sometimes undermine a person’s capacity for compassion. Empathy can be biased and emotionally draining, so for some people it actually makes compassion less sustainable.
––My enjoyment of To Be a Man truly fell off a cliff in the book’s second to last section, where Masters gives his views on sex. I can get behind his two core ideas about sex––that men ought to release sex from the obligation to make them feel better, and that sex ought to be an expression of already-existing connection rather than a bid to create connection. But many of the ideas he presents alongside these notions are narrow-minded and inaccurate. Below are a few of these that irked me the most:
––In general, Masters’s understanding of sex seems to overweight the influence of culture and underweight the influence of biology and evolutionary pressures. This is frustrating because earlier in the book Masters demonstrates an adequate understanding of biology’s role in generating sex differences in aggression, but for some reason that doesn’t translate to discussion of male sexuality. The most glaring problems here are (1) Masters doesn’t acknowledge that there are evolutionary reasons that men tend to be, on average, more interested in having many sexual partners, and (2) that, from a purely evolutionary standpoint, rape is one of many “successful” reproduction strategies that we observe in many species. These facts are of course not moral justifications for actions such as cheating or sexual assault/rape, but they provide necessary context for the ways that male sexuality manifests in the modern world. Masters’s failure to provide this context should reduce our confidence that his perspectives on male sexuality are valid.
––That confidence is further eroded by Masters’s discussions of pornography and sexual fantasies, which are myopic and presented with an unwarranted degree of self-assuredness. Masters depicts pornography use as always “avoiding real intimacy” and something that must be “outgrown” if men want to fully mature. He also appears to believe that use of pornography is always tied to some type of emotional wounding that the user hasn’t properly addressed. He defines pornography as “dehumanization in erotic drag” (225). This perspective misses several obvious points: (1) there are many different types of pornography, (2) there are many different reasons that men might use pornography, and (3) pornography use can play a variety of roles in a man’s sexual health, ranging from compulsive/addictive use to completely benign or beneficial use. It’s not that Masters’s views are incorrect, but rather that his perspective isn’t nearly broad enough; the result is that he pathologizes a behavior that has a variety of presentations, only some of which are actually pathological. The sad irony here is that men who take his arguments seriously but continue to use pornography are likely to feel ashamed, when instead they should be having a measured conversation with themselves about their pornography consumption habits, including ways that those habits might need to change to improve their overall sexual health.
––There’s a similar problem with how Masters addresses sexual fantasies. He repeatedly implores readers to “cease relying on sexual fantasy to get turned on or to stay turned on,” as if utilizing the space between one’s ears to alter or improve erotic life is a kind of sin (210). Again, it’s not that sexual fantasies can’t be dysfunctional, but they aren’t always. There is such a vast range of sexual fantasies, some of which play out internally and some of which result in specific sexual behaviors. It’s been clear for decades now that the way to judge the morality of these ideas and behaviors is through a combination of the harm principle (does the idea/behavior cause demonstrable harm?) and consent culture (respecting the rights of adults to consent to whatever types of sexual practices they deem acceptable). Masters never once brings up the harm principle, preferring instead to pontificate about the “inevitable” pitfalls of indulging sexual fantasies. And his only discussion of consent involves what he calls “the myth of consenting adults,” which he describes as “recognizing that the ‘yes’ of many is not arising from their core of being, but from their wounding, their fear of saying ‘no’ or of not being approved of or liked” (219). Of course there are instances where this might be true, but the truth of it can only be decided by the people who choose to engage or not in various sexual experiences; Masters himself should not and cannot sit in judgment here, but he seems all too comfortable doing so. Yes, sexual fantasies sometimes result in sexual dysfunction, and yes, people sometimes give consent for the wrong reasons or regret it after the fact. But does this mean that all sexual fantasies are problematic or that consent is just a myth? Of course not.
––To Be a Man is an uneven book that intrigued, annoyed, and bored me. While there are certainly lessons of value here for men seeking to craft their own versions of healthy masculinity, it should not be treated as an authoritative text.

Favorite Quotes:

In their unhealthy forms, shame, power, and sex are at the core of male dysfunction, simultaneously possessing and crippling many men. Shame that crushes and shrinks, power (especially in the form of aggression) that inflates and dominates, sex that compensates and distracts––this unholy triumvirate usurps the throne of self in a great number of men, obstructing them from taking the journey that can restore their integrity, dignity, and capacity for real intimacy. (xix)

Manhood is not a matter of repression, of subjugation of what we fear or don’t like about ourselves, nor is it a matter of transcending such qualities. A healthy man neither hides in nor abandons his maleness. The power that comes with maleness is not his to decry or apologize for, but rather to harness, to ride, to enjoy, and to use responsibly. Claiming his full power does not make a man less of a man, but permits him to embody his real nature, in all its depth and wildness. Power asks only for a discerning hand, a taking of the reins that is both loose and firm, both fierce and gentle, both daring and tender, both muscular and sensitive. (9)

Shame is probably our most hidden and misunderstood emotion. It’s also the one most likely to motivate men to stay away from the help they need––and need to admit they need––which can range from psychotherapy to addiction programs. Performance anxiety is driven by shame; so is the drive to overachieve; so is the pressure to man up. Shame is behind the scenes much more often than you might think. Some shame is healthy––activating our conscience and capacity for remorse––but a lot of shame is unhealthy or toxic, flattening and slamming us with the message that we are defective, degrading us for not making the grade. It’s essential to know your shame well enough to be able to stay present with it when it arises, instead of letting it mutate––as it very commonly does––into aggression or emotional withdrawal. Much of our aggression and relational disconnection is simply an unskillful solution to our shame, a way of avoiding it or not having to feel it directly. The point is not to get rid of shame––an impossibility––but to develop enough intimacy with it so that it cannot crush or run you, regardless of its intensity. (16)

The sequence of aggression following shame––of letting shame mutate into aggression––must be seen through and broken if men are to to step into their full humanity. Staying present with your shame takes far more courage than riding it into aggression. Staying present with your shame, neither indulging it nor avoiding it, furthers the authentic warrior in you, the one who can sit in the fire of the challenge and difficulty, and remain present without numbing himself or disconnecting from others. Remaining present with your shame takes guts. Doing so deepens your capacity for vulnerability, and therefore also your capacity for being in truly intimate relationship.

Aggression militates against remorse; its pumped up righteousness binds and blinds us, dehumanizing those we are targeting. Shame––and I speak here of healthy shame––makes remorse possible, activating our conscience and spurring us into enough empathy to make fitting amends with whomever we may have heard. Aggression closes the heart; shame, once fully felt and not turned away from, can open it. (39)

Waking up in the midst of our reactivity is not so easy, but it is nonetheless doable with some practice. Taking action that’s aligned with such awakening is more of a challenge, but again is doable with some practice. It also helps to remember that reactivity is the dramatization of activated shadow material, which we are letting hold us hostage. (88)

Heroism in a man is a matter of doing what it takes to bring forth the very best in himself, enough so as to potently align him with what really matters in any given situation. This is what true masculine power is all about.

When a man awakens deeply enough to embody his full-blooded maleness without any dissociation from what’s tender, soft, and vulnerable in him, he is his own hero. Nothing special––just a man anchored, more often than not, in his core; a man uncommonly trustworthy, courageous, and emotionally literate; a man as grounded as he is open, not letting his flaws get in the way, and no longer haunted by the ghost of perfectionism or unshakable impeccability. A man who did––and continues to do––the work to make this possible. (143)

It’s essential for men to (1) become conscious of the double bind of successfully being a man in conventional terms and successfully being a man in intimate relationship; and (2) do what it takes to step into a different kind of manhood, in which strength and drive beneficially coexist with transparency, vulnerability, and emotional literacy. This is all about aligning heart, guts, and head––meaning in part that emotion and rationality get to work together––and finding the courage to cease submitting to the pressure to be other than ourselves. There is a deep dignity in this, an integrity of being that is inherently liberating.

It’s very helpful to realize that the things you need to do to have better relationships are the very things you need to do to further your own growth and evolution. To work on yourself is, in part, to make yourself more available for the kind of relationship that you, in your heart of hearts, long for, a relationship in which whatever arises can be used to strengthen and deepen the partners’ bond. (149-50)

A man…needs to develop intimacy with younger versions of himself, recognizing them when they show up, and compassionately relating to them without losing himself in their worldview. (150)

In the presence of awakened intimacy, conflict is just shit auditioning to be compost. The shovels are supplied; all we have to do is use them. (174)

Healing is about illuminating, opening to, and integrating all that you are, including the aspects of yourself that you’ve denied, neglected, ostracized, or disowned. This is far from a short-term process, asking that you move into and through it at a pace that doesn’t overstretch or unduly tax you, a pace that allows for proper digestion and assimilation. If you move too quickly, you’ll overwhelm yourself and lose perspective; if you move too slowly, you’ll lose momentum and passion for the process, increasing the odds that you’ll quit.

But move we must, if we are to heal––taking rejuvenating rests and breaks along the way, and doing our best to make haste slowly, both challenging and nurturing ourselves, honoring the bedrock necessity and importance of our healing.

Healing doesn’t necessarily mean curing. It’s not a matter of getting rid of your endarkened or less-than-healthy qualities––as if excising a tumor––but of openly facing, exploring, and making as wise as possible use of them. This is the essence of self-acceptance. Nothing gets left out. Everything has its place. The deeper your healing, the more you become whole, and the more capable of relating skillfully to everything that you are. (275)

This review was originally published on my blog, Words&Dirt.

[Ben Smitthimedhin · Rating 3 out of 5]

A practical mixture between Freud and Jung on masculinity. I agree with most of Masters's advice on embracing the "shadow self" (a Jungian concept of the unconscious-- parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of and are attempting to hide) and becoming more aware of our emotions without being reactive.

His chapters on "Eroticizing Our Wounds" are brilliant, and his call for men to outgrow pornography and to deal with our issues takes courage, especially in a culture that refuses to criticize the toxicity of our sexified culture. Masters accurately assesses how sex and pornography are ways which men deal with discomfort, and how our sexual fantasies are nothing more that insecurities dressed up in lingerie. Strip them of the sex, and you'll expose your wounds.

With that said, the book is a little drawn out. Most of his examples are unnecessary and are mostly fluff. Key ideas can become repetitive, so look for the practicals and ignore the rest.

[Kareem Gamal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book where it acknowledges some facts related to manhood that may seem sensitive to talk about,
it's more like therapy for men, it goes over topics like shame, aggression, how to face and recognize your dark shaddow, day to day mental challenges that men face, anger, violence, courage, relational intimacy, deep communication&connection, sexuality, homosexuality, eroctisis (the obsession with sex), how people use sex to cure their wounds, how people use sex to form connections while instead it should be after emotional connection, porn, rape, taking charge of your sexual charge and not being controlled by it, and much more!

[Filip Lagerström · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book 6 months ago in search for the ultimate guide to becoming a man of great value, emotional literacy and self mastery. After reading it, I was dissapointed(gave it 3/5 stars). It did in fact not change me as a man. After some tuff couple a weeks in my life lately I read through it again, analyzing and annotated all the parts that shined through and after reading it again I found it so complete and giving. It breaks down all the important subjects as shame, relationships, vulnerbility, usage of pornography etc that affects millions of males daily. I strongly belive that all men and women would benefit from this masterpiece.

[Roberto Giannicola · Rating 5 out of 5]

In his transformative book, "To Be a Man," Robert Augustus Masters breaks the stereotypes of masculinity and redefines the concept of what it means to be a man in today's society. The book resonates with authenticity as Masters delineates the amalgamation of power, compassion, courage, and vulnerability, which is at the heart of true masculinity. This book is a must-read for anyone seeking a comprehensive understanding of masculinity in its authentic form and exploring ways to harness it effectively.

Masters starts off by introducing the notion of "True Masculine Power." The crux of this ideology lies in the unison of the head, heart, and guts, forming an empowering synergy. He articulates how a man's unattended shame can potentially hinder his actions, while unchecked aggression becomes a disempowering crutch. Masters argues that the path towards authentic manhood is obstructed by unhealthy dynamics between shame, power, and sex. He posits that true masculine power arises when courage, integrity, vulnerability, compassion, awareness, and the ability to take strong action come together.

In the first part of the book, "Orientation and Groundwork," Masters presents a detailed portrayal of authentic manhood. He emphasizes that real power includes embracing softness and vulnerability. By overcoming gender stereotypes and acknowledging the shame about the lack of emotional understanding, men can embark on a journey to emotional literacy. Masters also underscores the importance of empathy, advising readers to engage in sexual relationships from a place of pre-established connection rather than expecting sex to establish the connection. He prompts readers to confront their emotional numbness, a trait often misleadingly idealized as masculine, and deal with feelings of shame.

Masters then introduces the concept of the shadow, the hidden aspects of oneself. He asserts that confrontations with our challenges can be life-enhancing when approached with presence, compassion, and clarity. He delves into the dichotomy of power and its potential effects. The book further explores anger, redefining it as a potent tool when coexistent with love, giving rise to fierce compassion.

In Part III, "Relational Intimacy," Masters touches upon the challenges men face in cultivating intimate relationships due to societal expectations and fear of exposing perceived inadequacies. He accentuates the importance of emotional literacy in authentic relational intimacy. This part of the book dives deep into the aspects of communication, underscoring the value of emotionally centered conversation over an intellectually centered one.

"To Be a Man" serves as a roadmap to self-discovery and personal transformation, teaching its readers to relate compassionately to their flaws rather than trying to eliminate them. Masters reminds us that our flaws are not inherently obstacles to achieving authentic manhood. His candid exploration of the male psyche provides an enlightening journey towards an evolved understanding of manhood that rejects extremes and cultivates balance.

"To Be a Man" is not just a book, but a guide, a mentor, and a friend that helps navigate the complex terrains of masculinity in the modern world. It's a comprehensive handbook of understanding and harnessing one's masculine power responsibly, moving away from traditional stereotypes towards a more wholesome, balanced, and fulfilling perception of manhood.

Whether you're embarking on a personal journey towards self-understanding or looking to enhance your relationships, this book offers invaluable insights and tools to aid your voyage. "To Be a Man" is a crucial resource for every man willing to embrace his true potential and for anyone seeking to understand the depth and breadth of authentic masculinity.

[Denis Kotnik · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is a really good book! It is clearly that the author knows a lot about psychotherapy and he indeed is a therapist. If I would release such a book I would title it "To be a self-reflexive man", because everything in the book is about self-reflexion. The chapters about the shame, anger and aggresion are amazing! It also talks about that the rationality and emotions work best when they work together. And about repressed feelings, how for example shame can be expressed as anger (shame behind anger) etc.

Author really emphasize that the wounds can be source for healing, and vulnerability goes hand in hand with intimacy and that you should turn toward your pain.

BUT! I really missed content about the fact that humans have defense mechanisms and ego, which is preventing us to be self-reflective as the book invites us to be. We cant just "look into the woulds" by ourself. We need professional help in order to do so. And the book really doesn't say much about that we can only be self-reflective to some point. To go beyong that, to really look into our wounds, we need a psychotherapist to help us with "beeing a man".

[Mike Pietrzak · Rating 3 out of 5]

There was a lot of great stuff in here related to the male journey. I can't say that I was ready to understand all of it but it opened my eyes to many of the patterns that I'm playing out, in relationships especially. The writing became clunky at times, which hurt its clarity, but overall the message in this book was appreciated.

[Ethan Turney · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to enjoy this book. But unfortunately, Robert's writing style is almost unbearable. What was written in 260+ pages could have been done in half. Easily.

Regarding his writing style:

"Communication, at its best, is communion and articulation functioning as one. It is the electricity and circuit board of relationship, optimally flowing when its emotional components are illuminated, respected, and fully connected."

Paragraphs like this are ridden throughout the book. Where reading is forced and feels like crawling through near-set concrete. Cumbersome, frustrating & completely unnecessary.

But then there are gems. Such as:

"Heroism in a man is a matter of doing what it takes to bring forth the very best in himself, enough so as to potently align him with what matters in any given moment. This is true, masculine power."

Even the above could do with some shortening.

In any case, the core message was received.

Received well before the 260th page.

This book might cater to people who appreciate long-winded explanations. Quasi-philosophical, but borderline extensive.

Robert's points are definitive, outlining true masculine traits.

I do, however, believe his method for informing men, through this book, is far from palatable.

[Patrick Schultz · Rating 3 out of 5]

this was a mixed bag. Some pretty profound thoughts. Lots of repetition. Sort of contradicts himself at times. Unnecessarily vulgar a bit. What was good, was worth finding, there really were several gold nuggets to find in this.

But there was plenty of the other stuff to wade through & sift out.

[Michael Ashton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A challenging read personally. The author holds no punches and provides clarity to a lot of obstacles men navigate (or ignore). It was good for me, but more men should read it as a preparation before committing to marriage.

[Ted Waldbillig · Rating 4 out of 5]

Crucial material for healing and understanding deep issues many men struggle with and barely even know it.

[Jim Leffelman · Rating 2 out of 5]

I did not care for this very much. Many assumptions about what drives men. And not much useful advice. Just don’t act that way. Mostly opinion in this book.

[Benjani Sassi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Väga hariv raamat. Soovitan kõigile meestele

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this as a single mother raising teenage boys by myself. I wanted to model behaviors which my boys could learn from. As a single mother whose spouse is not involved with their children it is job to set the example be the mother, be the father, the friend, the buddy, the disciplinarian, the teacher, and so much more. I need to be able to show flexible parenting and model all the behaviors my boys need to be healthy, productive members of society. I really enjoyed this book and it was much different than I expected. It taught me men and women are truly not that different in what they need from each other. I always say BE A MAN, and this book does an excellent job of breaking the stereotypes of what society and our cultures think a REAL MAN IS. Thank you for the guide and for helping me raise healthy, mature, loving, kind boys!

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book, and I was excited about reading it. Reading about manly things usually doesn't interest me. In some ways the book was better than I expected. But it definitely had its issues.

First off, the author would put about 3 or 4 comma in every sentence. This to me is a clear sign that the author cannot write. The author also used over the top language, and repeated themselves.

Next, I didn't relate to large swathes of the book. I thought the rape and breasts section were just awful and pedantic.

with that said, I think I will benefit from some of the insight in the early chapters. I am not in touch with my emotions, but would have likely been better off reading his emotional intimacy book vs. this one.

[Snazzie Lama · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good stuff but a bit too soft, subservient to emotion and feelings and a bit too wordy to get to the point. in saying that, i also felt there was alot of good stuff in here as well. particularly in relating to masculine shame and how we develop social norms based on that shame that ultimatly has developed our personal traits. Also aids to help those with deeper help trauma and patterns of disconnected masculinity.

[Bartosz "Azatar" Solowiej · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource for understanding the potential and sensitivity of the masculine. Good for men and women.

[Mabel Howell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title sparked me because as a women I was like mhmm what does this book say about men, is this like men should be manly and lift weights and typical stuff. Which it was the total opposite of this, it takes about society and media conflict the true human being as a whole. Not just men even thou it was subjected to men but I related a lot with this book. Reading this book helped me become closer to who I am. Because this book helps infuse the sexes as just human and I love that because all men and women have feelings from sad to mad and we need to show them in a way that isn't negative. Best part I got out of this book is that you can be anger and compassionate but you can't be compassionate and aggressive. You choose. So glad I finished this book it took a while to digest and I honk about because it was so life changing(: