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Cleavage: Men, Women, and the Space Between Us
What is the difference between men and women? Jennifer Finney Boylan, bestselling author of
She’s Not There
and co-author of
Mad Honey
with Jodi Picoult, examines the divisions—as well as the common ground—between the genders, and reflects on her own experiences, both difficult and joyful, as a transgender American.
Jennifer Finney Boylan’s She’s Not There was the first bestselling work written by a transgender American. Since its publication twenty years ago, she has become the go-to person for insight into the impact of gender on our lives, from the food we eat to the dreams we dream, both for ourselves and for our children. But Cleavage is more than a deep dive into gender identity; it’s also a look at the difference between coming out as trans in 2000—when many people reacted to Boylan’s transition with love—and the present era of blowback and fear.
How does gender affect our sense of self? Our body image? The passage of time? The friends we lose—and keep? Boylan considers her womanhood, reflects on the boys and men who shaped her, and reconceives of herself as a writer, activist, parent, and spouse. With heart-wrenching honesty, she illustrates the feeling of liminality that followed her to adulthood, but demonstrates the redemptive power of love through it all.
With Boylan’s trademark humor and poignancy, Cleavage is a sharp, witty, and captivating look at the triumphs and losses of a life lived in two genders. Cleavage provides hope for a future in which we all have the freedom to live joyfully as men, as women, and in the space between us.
A Macmillan Audio production from Celadon Books.
Jennifer Finney Boylan’s She’s Not There was the first bestselling work written by a transgender American. Since its publication twenty years ago, she has become the go-to person for insight into the impact of gender on our lives, from the food we eat to the dreams we dream, both for ourselves and for our children. But Cleavage is more than a deep dive into gender identity; it’s also a look at the difference between coming out as trans in 2000—when many people reacted to Boylan’s transition with love—and the present era of blowback and fear.
How does gender affect our sense of self? Our body image? The passage of time? The friends we lose—and keep? Boylan considers her womanhood, reflects on the boys and men who shaped her, and reconceives of herself as a writer, activist, parent, and spouse. With heart-wrenching honesty, she illustrates the feeling of liminality that followed her to adulthood, but demonstrates the redemptive power of love through it all.
With Boylan’s trademark humor and poignancy, Cleavage is a sharp, witty, and captivating look at the triumphs and losses of a life lived in two genders. Cleavage provides hope for a future in which we all have the freedom to live joyfully as men, as women, and in the space between us.
A Macmillan Audio production from Celadon Books.
8 pages, Audible Audio
First published February 4, 2025
172 people are currently reading
33340 people want to read
About the author
Jennifer Finney Boylan
31 books1,555 followersJennifer Finney Boylan is a widely praised author and professor.
Edward Albee summed up her oeuvre in 1988: -- "Boylan observes carefully, and with love. [Her] levitating wit is wisely tethered to a humane concern…. I often broke into laughter, and was now and again, struck with wonder."
Jenny's memoir, She's Not There, published by Broadway Books in 2003, was one of the first bestselling works by a transgendered American; until 2001 she published under the name James Boylan. She's Not There, currently in its eighth printing, is popular both as a textbook in high schools and colleges as well as with readers's groups. The paperback edition contains a "readers guide" in addition to the main text, which consists not only of Jenny's insights on "a life in two genders" but also includes an afterword by Pultizer Prize winner Richard Russo, whose friendship with James, and later with Jennifer, provides part of the books narrative.
She's Not There won an award from the Lambda LIterary Foundation in 2004, the year after its initial publication. The book has since been published in many foreign editions, and was an alternate selection of the Book-of-the-Month Club. Anna Quindlen called it “a very funny memoir of growing up confused, and a very smart consideration of what it means to be a woman.”
Her 2008 memoir, I'm Looking Through You, is about growing up in a haunted house. While trans issues form part of the exposition of the book, the primary focus of I'm Looking Through You is on what it means to be "haunted," and how we all seek to find peace with our various ghosts, both the supernatural and the all-too-human.
Jenny has been a frequent guest on a number of national television and radio programs, including three visits to the Oprah Winfrey Show. She has also appeared on the Larry King Show, The Today Show and been the subject of a documentary on CBS News’ 48 Hours. She has also appeared on a wide range of local and syndicated television shows, as well as NPR's Marketplace and the Diane Rehm show. In 2007 she played herself on two episodes of ABC's "All My Children." She has spoken widely around the country on gender and imagination, at venues including the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. and the New Jersey State Theatre. She has given plenary and keynote speeches at conferences on diversity and scholarship around the country, and at colleges and universities including Amherst, Wesleyan, Dartmouth, Columbia, Vanderbilt, Duke, Bucknell, Dickinson, Bates, Ohio State, Middlebury, Gettysburg, Georgia State, the University of Puget Sound, and Westminster College in Salt Lake City. She has spoken at law firms, at corporate events, and at bookstores from Seattle to Vermont.
Her nonfiction has appeared on the op/ed pages of the New York Times, in GQ magazine, Allure, and Glamour. She is also an ongoing contributor to Conde Nast Traveler magazine; her most recent work there was on Easter Island, published in the January 2007 issue.
Boylan's first book, a collection of stories entitled Remind Me To Murder You Later, was published by Johns Hopkins University Press in 1988. Her first novel, The Planets, was published in 1991 by Poseidon Press. (Simon and Schuster). Loosely based upon the classical piece of music by Gustav Holst, The Planets followed the lives of several fictional characters in the real town of Centralia, Pennsylvania, which has been afflicted by an underground coal fire since the early 1960s.
Her second novel, The Constellations follows the lives of several of the characters from The Planets, some of whom flee from angry cows, discover a latex brain, and begin a life of dognapping.
Her 1997 novel, Getting In, published by Warner Books, focused on four high school students who go on quests to get into college. The novel was optioned for film by Renny Harlin and Geena Davis, and Jenny was tapped to write the initial screenplay for New Line Cinema.
Born in 1958 in Valley Forge, Boylan
Edward Albee summed up her oeuvre in 1988: -- "Boylan observes carefully, and with love. [Her] levitating wit is wisely tethered to a humane concern…. I often broke into laughter, and was now and again, struck with wonder."
Jenny's memoir, She's Not There, published by Broadway Books in 2003, was one of the first bestselling works by a transgendered American; until 2001 she published under the name James Boylan. She's Not There, currently in its eighth printing, is popular both as a textbook in high schools and colleges as well as with readers's groups. The paperback edition contains a "readers guide" in addition to the main text, which consists not only of Jenny's insights on "a life in two genders" but also includes an afterword by Pultizer Prize winner Richard Russo, whose friendship with James, and later with Jennifer, provides part of the books narrative.
She's Not There won an award from the Lambda LIterary Foundation in 2004, the year after its initial publication. The book has since been published in many foreign editions, and was an alternate selection of the Book-of-the-Month Club. Anna Quindlen called it “a very funny memoir of growing up confused, and a very smart consideration of what it means to be a woman.”
Her 2008 memoir, I'm Looking Through You, is about growing up in a haunted house. While trans issues form part of the exposition of the book, the primary focus of I'm Looking Through You is on what it means to be "haunted," and how we all seek to find peace with our various ghosts, both the supernatural and the all-too-human.
Jenny has been a frequent guest on a number of national television and radio programs, including three visits to the Oprah Winfrey Show. She has also appeared on the Larry King Show, The Today Show and been the subject of a documentary on CBS News’ 48 Hours. She has also appeared on a wide range of local and syndicated television shows, as well as NPR's Marketplace and the Diane Rehm show. In 2007 she played herself on two episodes of ABC's "All My Children." She has spoken widely around the country on gender and imagination, at venues including the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. and the New Jersey State Theatre. She has given plenary and keynote speeches at conferences on diversity and scholarship around the country, and at colleges and universities including Amherst, Wesleyan, Dartmouth, Columbia, Vanderbilt, Duke, Bucknell, Dickinson, Bates, Ohio State, Middlebury, Gettysburg, Georgia State, the University of Puget Sound, and Westminster College in Salt Lake City. She has spoken at law firms, at corporate events, and at bookstores from Seattle to Vermont.
Her nonfiction has appeared on the op/ed pages of the New York Times, in GQ magazine, Allure, and Glamour. She is also an ongoing contributor to Conde Nast Traveler magazine; her most recent work there was on Easter Island, published in the January 2007 issue.
Boylan's first book, a collection of stories entitled Remind Me To Murder You Later, was published by Johns Hopkins University Press in 1988. Her first novel, The Planets, was published in 1991 by Poseidon Press. (Simon and Schuster). Loosely based upon the classical piece of music by Gustav Holst, The Planets followed the lives of several fictional characters in the real town of Centralia, Pennsylvania, which has been afflicted by an underground coal fire since the early 1960s.
Her second novel, The Constellations follows the lives of several of the characters from The Planets, some of whom flee from angry cows, discover a latex brain, and begin a life of dognapping.
Her 1997 novel, Getting In, published by Warner Books, focused on four high school students who go on quests to get into college. The novel was optioned for film by Renny Harlin and Geena Davis, and Jenny was tapped to write the initial screenplay for New Line Cinema.
Born in 1958 in Valley Forge, Boylan
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December 15, 2024DNF at 54% - No Rating
So this was not what I thought it was going to be. I was drawn in by the cover, which depicts one of the most iconic (and one of my all time personal favorite) old Hollywood photos ever, and the tag line. I guess I thought this book was going to be a discourse on sexuality against an old Hollywood backdrop versus now? I don't know. I obviously should have read the Netgalley description more thoroughly before requesting it.
Completely my mistake. When I realized that this was a memoir, I tried to shift gears mentally, but it just wasn't working out for me. I just didn't care for Boylan's writing style. It was very nonlinear and kind of all over the place.
In short, nothing against the author and/or the topic. This just wasn't what I thought it was going to be and I didn't care for the writing.
So this was not what I thought it was going to be. I was drawn in by the cover, which depicts one of the most iconic (and one of my all time personal favorite) old Hollywood photos ever, and the tag line. I guess I thought this book was going to be a discourse on sexuality against an old Hollywood backdrop versus now? I don't know. I obviously should have read the Netgalley description more thoroughly before requesting it.
Completely my mistake. When I realized that this was a memoir, I tried to shift gears mentally, but it just wasn't working out for me. I just didn't care for Boylan's writing style. It was very nonlinear and kind of all over the place.
In short, nothing against the author and/or the topic. This just wasn't what I thought it was going to be and I didn't care for the writing.
September 22, 2024
ARC for review. To be published February 4, 2025.
According to the book information a transgender woman (once a man) will examine the differences between men and women in present day America and how life has changed since she came out in 2000. However, what this really is is a follow-up to Boylan’s first memoir, SHE’S NOT THERE that came out in 2005; there’s much about the author here and less about arm’s length comparisons of then and now.
First off, don’t let what you read in this review mislead you. Boylan is a hero by any estimation. Coming out publicly as transgender in 2000 was an incredibly, incredibly brave thing to do. Many people were still terrified to be publicly gay then, much less transgender. And Boylan was out and willing to publicly speak on the issue. So, thank God for her and people like her.
However, I get a sense that perhaps Boylan is feeling a bit left behind these days, maybe too much of an elder statesman, and not enough attention paid? She was a cast member on Caitlyn Jenner’s reality show, which I believe I saw once, and I don’t recall her. Bi get the impression she was there to try to guide Caitlyn, to help her make a positive impact as the nation’s best known transgender person (I don’t think that worked since I believe she’s a Trump supporter.). She doesn’t mention having done much advocacy work since, but I may not be remembering correctly, or she may feel like she’s done enough, dammit (I know that feeling. After years of serving in what felt like every board and committee in our city and President of this and that, I feel like I’ve done my time. Let the younger people with more energy take over now!)
The book and I did NOT get off to a wonderful start since for about the first forty pages Boylan talks about her obsession with weight. Well. I guess she IS a woman now (insert eye roll here). She gives lip service to how it’s “something she wants to fight” after she tells you how badly she feels about herself for going from a size twelve to a size fourteen (which I believe is the average size for women in America…and most women are not six feet tall, like she is.)
As mentioned this is her second, maybe third, memoir, so at this point she is just giving bits and pieces of her life. Regarding her sons: “Having a father who became a woman has helped make me children into better men.” I would think that is likely true as to being more accepting, and it’s likely also accurate to say the boys were better parented when their father became herself.
One very interesting thing about Boylan is that her marriage survived her transition. I would assume the statistics for that are fairly low. Then, in her 50s (I believe Boylan transitioned at around age 40, but I could be wrong) she and her wife get a very big surprise. No spoilers here, but it definitely makes Boylan look at things differently and the reader may too.
The book was interesting. I have to admit, I had no
idea who Boylan was before reading the book (which would surprise Boylan, I think. I think she thinks she’s very well know. She’s kind of a big fan of herself, which is summed up by one of her children one says, “Jesus, Maddy. You know how that sounds, when you say, ‘One time when I was talking to Edward Alba - I’m sorry to tell you this but it just makes people hate you.’” (and you may feel that way often about the writer.) She seemed to get a little huffy when people said her wife was actually the big hero in their story.). As I said, she is to be lauded for what she did, but it appears she was lucky enough to have the money to pay for the transition and all related surgeries herself, which is nice. I enjoyed reading about her life. 3.5 stars.
According to the book information a transgender woman (once a man) will examine the differences between men and women in present day America and how life has changed since she came out in 2000. However, what this really is is a follow-up to Boylan’s first memoir, SHE’S NOT THERE that came out in 2005; there’s much about the author here and less about arm’s length comparisons of then and now.
First off, don’t let what you read in this review mislead you. Boylan is a hero by any estimation. Coming out publicly as transgender in 2000 was an incredibly, incredibly brave thing to do. Many people were still terrified to be publicly gay then, much less transgender. And Boylan was out and willing to publicly speak on the issue. So, thank God for her and people like her.
However, I get a sense that perhaps Boylan is feeling a bit left behind these days, maybe too much of an elder statesman, and not enough attention paid? She was a cast member on Caitlyn Jenner’s reality show, which I believe I saw once, and I don’t recall her. Bi get the impression she was there to try to guide Caitlyn, to help her make a positive impact as the nation’s best known transgender person (I don’t think that worked since I believe she’s a Trump supporter.). She doesn’t mention having done much advocacy work since, but I may not be remembering correctly, or she may feel like she’s done enough, dammit (I know that feeling. After years of serving in what felt like every board and committee in our city and President of this and that, I feel like I’ve done my time. Let the younger people with more energy take over now!)
The book and I did NOT get off to a wonderful start since for about the first forty pages Boylan talks about her obsession with weight. Well. I guess she IS a woman now (insert eye roll here). She gives lip service to how it’s “something she wants to fight” after she tells you how badly she feels about herself for going from a size twelve to a size fourteen (which I believe is the average size for women in America…and most women are not six feet tall, like she is.)
As mentioned this is her second, maybe third, memoir, so at this point she is just giving bits and pieces of her life. Regarding her sons: “Having a father who became a woman has helped make me children into better men.” I would think that is likely true as to being more accepting, and it’s likely also accurate to say the boys were better parented when their father became herself.
One very interesting thing about Boylan is that her marriage survived her transition. I would assume the statistics for that are fairly low. Then, in her 50s (I believe Boylan transitioned at around age 40, but I could be wrong) she and her wife get a very big surprise. No spoilers here, but it definitely makes Boylan look at things differently and the reader may too.
The book was interesting. I have to admit, I had no
idea who Boylan was before reading the book (which would surprise Boylan, I think. I think she thinks she’s very well know. She’s kind of a big fan of herself, which is summed up by one of her children one says, “Jesus, Maddy. You know how that sounds, when you say, ‘One time when I was talking to Edward Alba - I’m sorry to tell you this but it just makes people hate you.’” (and you may feel that way often about the writer.) She seemed to get a little huffy when people said her wife was actually the big hero in their story.). As I said, she is to be lauded for what she did, but it appears she was lucky enough to have the money to pay for the transition and all related surgeries herself, which is nice. I enjoyed reading about her life. 3.5 stars.
January 15, 2025
As Finney Boylan points out, the word cleavage is its own built-in contranym. By choosing to use the iconic Loren/Mansfield shot as the cover, she opens up speculation about the book's content and focus and goes completely in the opposite direction. Having grown up as a boy, she always knew she was a girl, and thanks to her first memoir, became a poster child for the process. Here, she generously shares her current life as well as what it has meant to experience life "from both sides now." Still married to the same woman she married as a man, who loves her essence and what makes her a human being, this is a transformative argument for accepting who you are and living a full life because of it.
May 1, 2025
I had previously read her first memoir She's Not There. I enjoyed it a lot. She was candid about how she grappled with her gender identity, the fears of transitioning, the process of going through it, and what it was like on the other side. I'm not sure how much time had lapsed between her surgery and when she wrote the book, but I recall being uplifted enough to give it a five.
In comparison, I give this one a little less than a four. Part of it is my fault. Based on the title and cover photo, I really thought it was going to be an entire book on b00bs. I thought that could be interesting. There is so much to say about them. I have lots of feelings about my own, including the size, shape, the social and physical impediments that they've been to me, the misfortune of being female and heavily objectified because of that and them, the number of women I've known who've undergone enhancements, reductions, and post-cancer surgeries, the number of new moms who struggle with lactation, the history of willing wet nurses and the unwilling slaves forced to be wet nurses, the annual mammograms and the back and forth waffling insurance companies do about what age women should start getting them, etc., not to mention all the fashion! So yah, I was a bit disappointed that the book wasn't actually about b00bs. I know I should've read the dustjacket better, but sometimes I like to dive right in and be surprised. And yup, I sure was surprised. (Would've preferred a cover photo of her - feeling a bit misled!)
But to evaluate the book on what it was, rather than what it wasn't, I liked it. It rehashes a little bit (just a little) from She's Not There, which is probably for the benefit of those who haven't read that one. (I read it after reading Mad Honey and getting curious about who she was.) I feel like the rest of this book is a bit of a continuation of She's Not There. Her kids are a bit older; her wife has gotten more accustomed to her; she's gotten more accustomed to herself (sort of); and society has moved on (well, maybe it's more accurate to say, moved back). I think it's a good point in time to talk about translives given how under scrutiny transfolks are right now in the US. I read that the evangelical right is focusing on transpeople because they realized almost everyone knows they know someone gay and likes them (as a catch-all for LGBQ), but that because transpeople are such a small population, it's easy to demonize them. Even within the queer community, there are people who refuse to acknowledge our transsiblings. So I with some of the politics today would've been addressed in the book - maybe even just her perspective on transports - just a couple of pages would've sufficed, but alas, it wasn't there. (And oops, there I go again wishing for what's not in the book instead of focusing on what is).
It's a personal account, and I think it's great she's being so open and available and vulnerable by putting it out there. She's letting people see who she is, and that is someone who might be your teacher, your neighbor, your kid's friend's mom, the person next to you in the checkout line. Maybe you notice her voice is just a little deeper than most or that her hands seem just a little large. Or maybe you don't notice anything other than a very tall woman trying to be an upstanding citizen. I think this memoir is important because it might demystify a lot of questions people might have.
What I found most interesting was the psychological transition. On the one hand, she only went through with it because she knew that she was always female. However, being a female in a female body is a different experience than being female in a male body. She is open about her sudden realization of how her body is now subject to the same objectification and beauty standards as the rest of the general women's population, how she felt too big in a society where women are constantly being made small, and even how and why and when she chooses to modify her voice more effeminately. So for anyone who might argue being queer is a choice, I would argue that if it was a choice, transwomen might all have gone about giving up their male privilege for naught.
Wishing Ms. Finney Boylan the best of luck in her professional endeavors to get tenure, and I hope that my goddaughter, who is considering Barnard next year, will take at least one class with the Professor, if she chooses to go there.
Rounding up to 4.
In comparison, I give this one a little less than a four. Part of it is my fault. Based on the title and cover photo, I really thought it was going to be an entire book on b00bs. I thought that could be interesting. There is so much to say about them. I have lots of feelings about my own, including the size, shape, the social and physical impediments that they've been to me, the misfortune of being female and heavily objectified because of that and them, the number of women I've known who've undergone enhancements, reductions, and post-cancer surgeries, the number of new moms who struggle with lactation, the history of willing wet nurses and the unwilling slaves forced to be wet nurses, the annual mammograms and the back and forth waffling insurance companies do about what age women should start getting them, etc., not to mention all the fashion! So yah, I was a bit disappointed that the book wasn't actually about b00bs. I know I should've read the dustjacket better, but sometimes I like to dive right in and be surprised. And yup, I sure was surprised. (Would've preferred a cover photo of her - feeling a bit misled!)
But to evaluate the book on what it was, rather than what it wasn't, I liked it. It rehashes a little bit (just a little) from She's Not There, which is probably for the benefit of those who haven't read that one. (I read it after reading Mad Honey and getting curious about who she was.) I feel like the rest of this book is a bit of a continuation of She's Not There. Her kids are a bit older; her wife has gotten more accustomed to her; she's gotten more accustomed to herself (sort of); and society has moved on (well, maybe it's more accurate to say, moved back). I think it's a good point in time to talk about translives given how under scrutiny transfolks are right now in the US. I read that the evangelical right is focusing on transpeople because they realized almost everyone knows they know someone gay and likes them (as a catch-all for LGBQ), but that because transpeople are such a small population, it's easy to demonize them. Even within the queer community, there are people who refuse to acknowledge our transsiblings. So I with some of the politics today would've been addressed in the book - maybe even just her perspective on transports - just a couple of pages would've sufficed, but alas, it wasn't there. (And oops, there I go again wishing for what's not in the book instead of focusing on what is).
It's a personal account, and I think it's great she's being so open and available and vulnerable by putting it out there. She's letting people see who she is, and that is someone who might be your teacher, your neighbor, your kid's friend's mom, the person next to you in the checkout line. Maybe you notice her voice is just a little deeper than most or that her hands seem just a little large. Or maybe you don't notice anything other than a very tall woman trying to be an upstanding citizen. I think this memoir is important because it might demystify a lot of questions people might have.
What I found most interesting was the psychological transition. On the one hand, she only went through with it because she knew that she was always female. However, being a female in a female body is a different experience than being female in a male body. She is open about her sudden realization of how her body is now subject to the same objectification and beauty standards as the rest of the general women's population, how she felt too big in a society where women are constantly being made small, and even how and why and when she chooses to modify her voice more effeminately. So for anyone who might argue being queer is a choice, I would argue that if it was a choice, transwomen might all have gone about giving up their male privilege for naught.
Wishing Ms. Finney Boylan the best of luck in her professional endeavors to get tenure, and I hope that my goddaughter, who is considering Barnard next year, will take at least one class with the Professor, if she chooses to go there.
Rounding up to 4.
November 3, 2024
4.5 Stars
This memoir was reflective, honest, and full of beautiful prose. Jennifer Boylan takes us on a journey from boyhood to womanhood and all the stops between. With each chapter, she questions how one’s gender identity shapes or is shaped by the aspects of life. These chapters, such as food, friends, and history are a deep dive into Jennifer’s experiences and thoughts surrounding them. However, she has done so in a way that allows readers to reflect and connect to their own lives, loves, and losses. She also discusses how she's changed from coming out in 2000 to now and is shaped by society's ever-shifting opinions on being transgender. Alongside an unwavering commitment to raw honesty that I think everyone, not just trans people can relate to.
What makes Jennifer’s story truly stand out though is her writing style. Which felt less like a non-fiction memoir and more akin to spoken word. It was as though she was telling you her stories in real time, her unfiltered thoughts and commentary littered throughout the more concrete details. This chapter structure helped move the story along without getting muddled. The blocking and breaking up of topics helped me ponder the questions without being interrupted or distracted by a new name or event. This also helped as the book is non-linear, so I didn’t have to keep track of several time jumps at once. I did appreciate the mention of her privilege and how great of an impact intersectionality has on experiences transitioning. When queer white people do not acknowledge their privilege or trans ancestors, it honestly makes me want to put the book down. So, I was relieved to find that was not the case here.
All in all, this thoughtful and heartwarming memoir is a great read. From the stunning prose to the witty humor, you will not want to put it down. Not to mention wishing for an invite to have a homemade pizza and a glass of wine by her fire pit. If you like laughing and crying in the same chapter, you are in the right place. Happy reading!
TW: Depression, anxiety, transphobia, homophobia, death of a friend, misgendering.
Thanks so much to Celadon for sending me an ARC of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
For more sapphic reviews follow @the.lebian.library on Instagram, StoryGraph, Goodreads, and Tiktok
This memoir was reflective, honest, and full of beautiful prose. Jennifer Boylan takes us on a journey from boyhood to womanhood and all the stops between. With each chapter, she questions how one’s gender identity shapes or is shaped by the aspects of life. These chapters, such as food, friends, and history are a deep dive into Jennifer’s experiences and thoughts surrounding them. However, she has done so in a way that allows readers to reflect and connect to their own lives, loves, and losses. She also discusses how she's changed from coming out in 2000 to now and is shaped by society's ever-shifting opinions on being transgender. Alongside an unwavering commitment to raw honesty that I think everyone, not just trans people can relate to.
What makes Jennifer’s story truly stand out though is her writing style. Which felt less like a non-fiction memoir and more akin to spoken word. It was as though she was telling you her stories in real time, her unfiltered thoughts and commentary littered throughout the more concrete details. This chapter structure helped move the story along without getting muddled. The blocking and breaking up of topics helped me ponder the questions without being interrupted or distracted by a new name or event. This also helped as the book is non-linear, so I didn’t have to keep track of several time jumps at once. I did appreciate the mention of her privilege and how great of an impact intersectionality has on experiences transitioning. When queer white people do not acknowledge their privilege or trans ancestors, it honestly makes me want to put the book down. So, I was relieved to find that was not the case here.
All in all, this thoughtful and heartwarming memoir is a great read. From the stunning prose to the witty humor, you will not want to put it down. Not to mention wishing for an invite to have a homemade pizza and a glass of wine by her fire pit. If you like laughing and crying in the same chapter, you are in the right place. Happy reading!
TW: Depression, anxiety, transphobia, homophobia, death of a friend, misgendering.
Thanks so much to Celadon for sending me an ARC of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
For more sapphic reviews follow @the.lebian.library on Instagram, StoryGraph, Goodreads, and Tiktok
February 18, 2025
Finished Reading
Pre-Read Notes:
I chose this one purely because of the photo on the cover. I had big boobs by the time I was 12, and I know the power of that withering look! I thought this would have some interesting things to say about life with breasts! *edit Too bad this book has nothing to do with the photo on the cover, or cleavage, for that matter.
Final Review
I was no good at any of it, no good at being a girl; on the other hand, I am not half bad at being a woman. —NORA EPHRON p5
Review and recommendations
I was honestly very surprised by the subjects covered in this book. I love memoirs of lbgtq+ people, but nothing about this book's title or cover suggests such a topic. And since those are the reasons I was compelled to read this one, I spent my entire read feeling unmoored. Also, I really don't like when authors name-drop. The fact Boylan was on Kaitlyn Jenner's show (as little more than a prop) doesn't place her in history, and it doesn't impress readers. Well, it doesn't impress me, at least. I think it's obnoxious. Also, I was really uncomfortable with how this author discusses weight and women's bodies. I don't think she *likes* her feminine figure. At least, it seems that way from these essays.
Besides that, this book is quite funny and clever. I recommend Cleavage to readers of memoir and lgbtq+ stories, as well as fans of coming of age and transformation stories.
Reading Notes
Favorite Essays:
1. "Fathers"
2. "Sons"
3. "Shadows"
A Few Words about the Essays:
1. "Both Sides Now" - Also the book's introduction, written by the author. It details the beginnings of her trans journey, all the way back to childhood.
2. "Fathers" - A touching piece about the author's unexpectedly tender relationship with her father.
3. "Food" - But I’d landed at the bottom of the chute in Girl-land to find myself a size 8, or perhaps a 10,... Eight what? you might ask. Or ten what? No one would tell me.... If you want a perfect example of exactly how fucked-up women are encouraged to be in this culture, may I present to you a snapshot of the idiotic and blissful expression upon my face the day I purchased that size 6 skirt. p23 So size 8 is "the bottom of Girl-land" huh? What Kind of fat-phobic, misogynistic, self-hating bullsh-t is this?
4. "Friends" - I’d worn a tight black dress for the occasion, fishnet stockings. All the way home, Lefty looked out the window at the shining Harvest Moon, humming softly to himself. Earlier, he’d had a knife sticking out of the side of his head. But he was okay now. p46
5. "Voice" - An excellent and surprising essay about...dummies?
6. "History" - n/a
7. "Lovers" - n/a
8. "The Unit" - Uhm...it's a story about the size of human penises.
9. "Sons" - A beautiful story about a girl and her dog, and so much more.
10. "Mothers" - Probably about what you'd expect.
11. "Shadows" - An essay about developing a woman's internal warning system.
12. "Rogues & Pixies" - It’s hard to think of many women who’ve been celebrated— loved, in fact—for their wicked, wicked ways. Mae West, maybe? Madonna? Catherine the Great? p158
13. "The Heisenberg Variations" An essay in twelve crots about being a trans creative.
14. "Liminality" - An essay about transition.
15. "Hearts & Brains" - An essay about how transitioning affects relationships.
16. "Daughters" - One day they are little blobs you hold against your breast. The next day they are driving away, leaving you forever. p209 Honestly, this essay was ruined for me by the repeated references to eating squid.
17. "Epilogue: Cleavage" - I agree with the author's friends who begged her not to call it this. It's such an ill-fitting title. Cleavage was only mentioned twice in the entire book. It's almost as ill-fitting as the cover. By the way, that photo on the cover and the women in it are only mentioned in passing, one time.
Rating: ⭐️⭐️.5 /5
Recommend? yes
Finished: Feb 11 '25
Format: accessible digital arc, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
✏️ memoir
🌈 lgbtq+ stories
👩🏼🤝👩🏾 coming of age
Thank you to the author Jennifer Finney Boylan, publishers Celadon Books, and NetGalley for an advance accessible digital copy of CLEAVAGE. All views are mine..
---------------
Pre-Read Notes:
I chose this one purely because of the photo on the cover. I had big boobs by the time I was 12, and I know the power of that withering look! I thought this would have some interesting things to say about life with breasts! *edit Too bad this book has nothing to do with the photo on the cover, or cleavage, for that matter.
Final Review
I was no good at any of it, no good at being a girl; on the other hand, I am not half bad at being a woman. —NORA EPHRON p5
Review and recommendations
I was honestly very surprised by the subjects covered in this book. I love memoirs of lbgtq+ people, but nothing about this book's title or cover suggests such a topic. And since those are the reasons I was compelled to read this one, I spent my entire read feeling unmoored. Also, I really don't like when authors name-drop. The fact Boylan was on Kaitlyn Jenner's show (as little more than a prop) doesn't place her in history, and it doesn't impress readers. Well, it doesn't impress me, at least. I think it's obnoxious. Also, I was really uncomfortable with how this author discusses weight and women's bodies. I don't think she *likes* her feminine figure. At least, it seems that way from these essays.
Besides that, this book is quite funny and clever. I recommend Cleavage to readers of memoir and lgbtq+ stories, as well as fans of coming of age and transformation stories.
Reading Notes
Favorite Essays:
1. "Fathers"
2. "Sons"
3. "Shadows"
A Few Words about the Essays:
1. "Both Sides Now" - Also the book's introduction, written by the author. It details the beginnings of her trans journey, all the way back to childhood.
2. "Fathers" - A touching piece about the author's unexpectedly tender relationship with her father.
3. "Food" - But I’d landed at the bottom of the chute in Girl-land to find myself a size 8, or perhaps a 10,... Eight what? you might ask. Or ten what? No one would tell me.... If you want a perfect example of exactly how fucked-up women are encouraged to be in this culture, may I present to you a snapshot of the idiotic and blissful expression upon my face the day I purchased that size 6 skirt. p23 So size 8 is "the bottom of Girl-land" huh? What Kind of fat-phobic, misogynistic, self-hating bullsh-t is this?
4. "Friends" - I’d worn a tight black dress for the occasion, fishnet stockings. All the way home, Lefty looked out the window at the shining Harvest Moon, humming softly to himself. Earlier, he’d had a knife sticking out of the side of his head. But he was okay now. p46
5. "Voice" - An excellent and surprising essay about...dummies?
6. "History" - n/a
7. "Lovers" - n/a
8. "The Unit" - Uhm...it's a story about the size of human penises.
9. "Sons" - A beautiful story about a girl and her dog, and so much more.
10. "Mothers" - Probably about what you'd expect.
11. "Shadows" - An essay about developing a woman's internal warning system.
12. "Rogues & Pixies" - It’s hard to think of many women who’ve been celebrated— loved, in fact—for their wicked, wicked ways. Mae West, maybe? Madonna? Catherine the Great? p158
13. "The Heisenberg Variations" An essay in twelve crots about being a trans creative.
14. "Liminality" - An essay about transition.
15. "Hearts & Brains" - An essay about how transitioning affects relationships.
16. "Daughters" - One day they are little blobs you hold against your breast. The next day they are driving away, leaving you forever. p209 Honestly, this essay was ruined for me by the repeated references to eating squid.
17. "Epilogue: Cleavage" - I agree with the author's friends who begged her not to call it this. It's such an ill-fitting title. Cleavage was only mentioned twice in the entire book. It's almost as ill-fitting as the cover. By the way, that photo on the cover and the women in it are only mentioned in passing, one time.
Rating: ⭐️⭐️.5 /5
Recommend? yes
Finished: Feb 11 '25
Format: accessible digital arc, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
✏️ memoir
🌈 lgbtq+ stories
👩🏼🤝👩🏾 coming of age
Thank you to the author Jennifer Finney Boylan, publishers Celadon Books, and NetGalley for an advance accessible digital copy of CLEAVAGE. All views are mine..
---------------
February 5, 2025
Thanks to NetGalley and Macmillan Audio for the ARC. It hasn't affected the contents of my review.
Firstly, I blame the marketing on this one, but this book (ironically) has a bit of an identity crisis resulting from the promises made by the title and cover (which makes this look like a book of essays on pop culture and gender) and what this book actually is (which is a memoir following up on the author's experiences as an out trans woman twenty-five years after coming out). She wrote a bestselling memoir in 2003 called She's Not There, but her perspective there was of someone newly out. Here, she has a lifetime of experiences to reflect on.
What this book is is very well written, wry and funny, heartfelt, and insightful. My only complaint is that I kept wanting what that cover promised. But what is in the book itself is a worth reading.
The audiobook is read by Gabra Zackman, who is a narrator I've listened to many audiobooks from, and she always does a great job.
I would definitely recommend this book, just go in with the right expectations. Memoir, not pop culture. She does have opinions about those things, but they are all filtered through her own lived experience.
Firstly, I blame the marketing on this one, but this book (ironically) has a bit of an identity crisis resulting from the promises made by the title and cover (which makes this look like a book of essays on pop culture and gender) and what this book actually is (which is a memoir following up on the author's experiences as an out trans woman twenty-five years after coming out). She wrote a bestselling memoir in 2003 called She's Not There, but her perspective there was of someone newly out. Here, she has a lifetime of experiences to reflect on.
What this book is is very well written, wry and funny, heartfelt, and insightful. My only complaint is that I kept wanting what that cover promised. But what is in the book itself is a worth reading.
The audiobook is read by Gabra Zackman, who is a narrator I've listened to many audiobooks from, and she always does a great job.
I would definitely recommend this book, just go in with the right expectations. Memoir, not pop culture. She does have opinions about those things, but they are all filtered through her own lived experience.
July 15, 2025
I’ve heard a few things here and there about Jennifer Boylan and between wanting to explore her works and the captivating title of this most recent memoir of hers, I decided to take the leap and give her books a try, and what an emotionally driven learning experience this has been. Obviously having no personal ties to transgenderism I can only look in from an outward interested and curious perspective and someone like Boylan who not only transitioned before many modern current controversies but long enough ago that she has lived a strong portion of her life with this identity and that’s what makes her such a strong vocal point on the subject and makes me feel like listening to her is an actual strong way to better understanding and education. Her entire story was moving and well planned out even down to the insanely creative title that she explains its name in such a perfect way, and even blessed us with the experiences of her own son then in a way following their mothers steps and transitioning into their true selves on their own, which does spark a personally intriguing idea of maybe there’s more internally passed down genetically to the transgender conversation and all I know is she did an excellent job, mixed serious with humor brilliantly, and gave me not only a stronger insight on the community but opened the door for my personal growth, understanding, and hopefully further education about the complexity that is humanity and all the special beauty that comes with it. 4.25/5
“There is no exclusive beauty, without the a bit of weirdness in proportion.”
“There is no exclusive beauty, without the a bit of weirdness in proportion.”
November 10, 2024
Many thanks to the fine folks at Celadon Books for sending me an ARC of this book to review.
Not, as the title might lead you to believe, a geology textbook, but a series of largely autobiographical essays by Jennifer Finney Boylan. She writes about the differences between men and women, the contrast between coming out as trans in 2000 versus doing so today, and the joys of everyday life and loved ones.
I didn't realize it at first, but this is my second encounter with Boylan's work. The first was Good Boy: A Memoir in Seven Dogs, which I had completely forgotten about until spotting it on the “By the Same Author” list at the front of the book. I just reread my review of that to jog my memory.
So neither book was a fluke. JFB really does write that well, no matter what project she's working on. Her prose sparkles in all the right ways, and her paragraphs positively glow with warmth and good humor. The book is approachable and readable and a positive delight. But she can certainly accomplish literary effects when need be, like the classical music structure of “The Heisenberg Variations. “
This book was a joy to read, and I recommend it highly!
#ReadCleavage
#CeladonReads
@CeladonBooks
Not, as the title might lead you to believe, a geology textbook, but a series of largely autobiographical essays by Jennifer Finney Boylan. She writes about the differences between men and women, the contrast between coming out as trans in 2000 versus doing so today, and the joys of everyday life and loved ones.
I didn't realize it at first, but this is my second encounter with Boylan's work. The first was Good Boy: A Memoir in Seven Dogs, which I had completely forgotten about until spotting it on the “By the Same Author” list at the front of the book. I just reread my review of that to jog my memory.
So neither book was a fluke. JFB really does write that well, no matter what project she's working on. Her prose sparkles in all the right ways, and her paragraphs positively glow with warmth and good humor. The book is approachable and readable and a positive delight. But she can certainly accomplish literary effects when need be, like the classical music structure of “The Heisenberg Variations. “
This book was a joy to read, and I recommend it highly!
#ReadCleavage
#CeladonReads
@CeladonBooks
March 3, 2025
Way back in the ancient old days of college, I loved She's Not There and remember feeling both compelled and moved by it, but now so many years later, the shine has worn off for me on these kinds of memoirs -- white, well-off, academic people philosophizing with metaphors about life in general based on their very narrow experience of it -- and I spent much of this annoyed and/or frustrated by both what Boylan had to say and how she chose to say it.
I took probably a thousand words of notes on this, but it boils down to, 1. the sense that, over and over, Boylan expects to be or have been a linchpin of someone else's experience -- Maggie Nelson, her own children -- only to be told she wasn't actually, which she then reports with not nearly enough self-awareness as to what this means about her own self-importance, and 2. this just has an insanely boring, wildly unimaginative boomer idea of gender at its core, which makes it feel outdated, out of touch, and almost impossible to take seriously.
I get that Boylan is a boomer and is going to have boomer ideas and beliefs and that being of that age and transitioning when she did and experiencing the trans rights movement through the years she has means she is going to have a wildly different experience than younger people, for good and bad, but if you are going to continually imply that you're a trans authority and remind your readers that you have been called on to act in this capacity many times, you cannot entertain TERF ideas, which she does multiple times, even to reject them. You cannot think you can still open their hearts.
"[...] plenty of others who object when something is neither one thing or the other; it destabilizes the world, makes it seem like everything we know can be called into question," BECAUSE IT CAN BE! BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE! Thinking the world is unquestionable is baby brain behavior!
"[...] trans people complicate a world they thought was binary," well it's not trans people's fault those people are stupid! People shouldn't be caged into an invented binary because some other people lack imagination and the ability to mind their own business.
You simply cannot say love will transform and that love is what trans people need from the world. I don't want love, I want fucking civil rights!
Obviously I don't think Boylan necessarily agrees with these kinds of thoughts and she obviously cares about queer and trans people and their right to life and joy more than perhaps her overly cerebral memoir writing allows, but she doesn't have to give those ideas any time. She could say, full-throatedly, that thinking like this is stupid and small and narrows our worlds, but she doesn't really. She sympathizes, she prevaricates, and she continues to treat trans identities like a philosophical logic problem.
Theseus' ship is the same ship because it is his. More importantly, Theseus doesn't give a shit what you think.
I took probably a thousand words of notes on this, but it boils down to, 1. the sense that, over and over, Boylan expects to be or have been a linchpin of someone else's experience -- Maggie Nelson, her own children -- only to be told she wasn't actually, which she then reports with not nearly enough self-awareness as to what this means about her own self-importance, and 2. this just has an insanely boring, wildly unimaginative boomer idea of gender at its core, which makes it feel outdated, out of touch, and almost impossible to take seriously.
I get that Boylan is a boomer and is going to have boomer ideas and beliefs and that being of that age and transitioning when she did and experiencing the trans rights movement through the years she has means she is going to have a wildly different experience than younger people, for good and bad, but if you are going to continually imply that you're a trans authority and remind your readers that you have been called on to act in this capacity many times, you cannot entertain TERF ideas, which she does multiple times, even to reject them. You cannot think you can still open their hearts.
"[...] plenty of others who object when something is neither one thing or the other; it destabilizes the world, makes it seem like everything we know can be called into question," BECAUSE IT CAN BE! BECAUSE IT SHOULD BE! Thinking the world is unquestionable is baby brain behavior!
"[...] trans people complicate a world they thought was binary," well it's not trans people's fault those people are stupid! People shouldn't be caged into an invented binary because some other people lack imagination and the ability to mind their own business.
You simply cannot say love will transform and that love is what trans people need from the world. I don't want love, I want fucking civil rights!
Obviously I don't think Boylan necessarily agrees with these kinds of thoughts and she obviously cares about queer and trans people and their right to life and joy more than perhaps her overly cerebral memoir writing allows, but she doesn't have to give those ideas any time. She could say, full-throatedly, that thinking like this is stupid and small and narrows our worlds, but she doesn't really. She sympathizes, she prevaricates, and she continues to treat trans identities like a philosophical logic problem.
Theseus' ship is the same ship because it is his. More importantly, Theseus doesn't give a shit what you think.
February 13, 2025
i had to really push myself to finish this book. I think the stories of trans peoples lives is SO important, especially considering the political climate that we are in. I really appreciated certain aspects of this book when the author allowed the reader an idea of what it is like to transition and the obstacles that they faced during this journey of womanhood…i wish the book had more moments like this! At other times, I found the authors writing quite choppy and hard to follow which was frustrating
dnf
July 29, 2025This is a Non-Fiction LGBT book. Really Boring... It keeps repeating the same thing over and over. I could not keep reading this book, so I ended up DNFing this book.
Read
May 1, 2025I love how her writing weaves together :’) it’s a nice touch that doesn’t go unnoticed ❤️ this book is SO important PLZ pick it up 😭😭😭
October 22, 2024
Brilliant, breathtaking & beautiful! Jenny is a trans icon and her reflections on family, gender, and society are soul-stirring. I only wish I had read her original memoir before this, since it builds upon that story and I felt I was missing some context. Thank you NetGalley for the ARC!
March 21, 2025
I received a free book from Celadon publishing company in exchange for an honest book review.
My first comment is, who decided to use this iconic picture of Sophia Loren and Jayne Mansfield for the cover of this book? To be honest. I thought the subject of the book was concerning Hollywood, female sexuality, and jealousy among the actresses back in the 1950s.
Boy, was I shocked to learn that this is actually a memoir written by a transgender! But then I thought this would be a great opportunity to broaden my education regarding transgender lifestyle.
Unfortunately, I stopped reading at 105 because the book is so dull and slow paced that I soon lost interest.
My first comment is, who decided to use this iconic picture of Sophia Loren and Jayne Mansfield for the cover of this book? To be honest. I thought the subject of the book was concerning Hollywood, female sexuality, and jealousy among the actresses back in the 1950s.
Boy, was I shocked to learn that this is actually a memoir written by a transgender! But then I thought this would be a great opportunity to broaden my education regarding transgender lifestyle.
Unfortunately, I stopped reading at 105 because the book is so dull and slow paced that I soon lost interest.
November 27, 2024
Who would you be if you got the chance to be fully yourself?
This is just one of the various incredibly interesting topics covered in this deeply moving, hilarious, and fully developed book. I’ve possibly never wanted to be friends with someone more than Jennifer. Actually, maybe Deirdre.
I really can’t recommend this enough if you’re looking for erudite conversations on identity, love, grief, joy, etc.
Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review. The publishing date for this title is February 4, 2025.
This is just one of the various incredibly interesting topics covered in this deeply moving, hilarious, and fully developed book. I’ve possibly never wanted to be friends with someone more than Jennifer. Actually, maybe Deirdre.
I really can’t recommend this enough if you’re looking for erudite conversations on identity, love, grief, joy, etc.
Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for the ARC in exchange for an honest review. The publishing date for this title is February 4, 2025.
March 10, 2025
In her latest memoir, "Cleavage: Men, Women, and the Space Between Us," Jennifer Finney Boylan offers readers a profound meditation on gender that only someone who has truly lived on both sides of the divide could provide. Twenty years after her groundbreaking memoir "She's Not There" became the first bestseller by a transgender American, Boylan returns with a work that is both a reflection on her journey and a thoughtful examination of how gender shapes our experiences, relationships, and sense of self.
The title "Cleavage" functions brilliantly as both metaphor and organizing principle. As Boylan explains in her epilogue, the word contains its own contradiction—to cleave means both to split apart and to adhere closely. This linguistic paradox mirrors the central tension of her narrative: the ways gender divides us, while our shared humanity binds us together.
Boylan's writing is, as always, infused with warmth, wit, and unflinching honesty. She moves effortlessly between hilarious anecdotes—like acquiring scurvy in college from a diet consisting solely of donuts and beer—to heart-wrenching moments of vulnerability, such as watching her wife Deedie sing to her in the hospital after gender-affirming surgery. Through it all, she maintains a voice that is distinctly her own: thoughtful, self-deprecating, and fundamentally kind.
The Shifting Landscape of Trans Experience
One of the most compelling aspects of "Cleavage" is Boylan's comparison between coming out as transgender in the early 2000s versus today's more polarized climate. She notes that when she came out to her evangelical Christian mother decades ago, the response was simple: "Love will prevail." There were no lectures about transgender athletes or accusations of "social contagion"—just a mother embracing her child.
This observation feels particularly poignant given the current wave of anti-transgender legislation sweeping through many states. Boylan doesn't shy away from these realities, but neither does she allow them to overwhelm her narrative. Instead, she offers her story as a counterbalance to dehumanizing political rhetoric—a reminder that behind every statistic is a human being with dreams, flaws, and an innate desire to be known.
Perhaps the most moving section of the book comes when Boylan discovers that her own child, Zach, is transgender. The revelation forces her to confront her own complicated feelings:
"Is it possible, I wondered, that I made this look like fun? Could my daughter have possibly looked at the intricacies of my life—of our lives—and not seen how hard it all had been, how there were times when I'd felt like I was clutching for dear life onto a tiny life preserver in the middle of a swirling, freezing sea?"
Her daughter Zai's transition becomes a mirror reflecting Boylan's own journey, but from a different generational perspective. The contrast between Boylan's more medicalized, binary transition and her daughter's more fluid understanding of gender highlights how quickly the conversation around gender identity has evolved.
Strengths and Shortcomings
Where "Cleavage" truly excels is in its exploration of the minutiae of gendered experience. Boylan's observations about how differently she was received as a professor before and after transition—from unquestioned authority figure to someone whose expertise is constantly challenged—cut to the heart of everyday sexism. Similarly, her reflections on body image, voice, and food illuminate how profoundly gender shapes our relationship with our bodies.
In her chapter on food, Boylan writes about making elaborate pizzas in a wood-fired oven, noting how differently she experiences weight gain as a woman than she did as a man:
"When I was a man (sic), I can say most definitively that it had not [mattered]. I'd had the same sense of myself as a boyo back then whether I was a slender willow tree (as I'd been throughout all my teens and twenties) or whether I was more the size of stately oak (my size in my thirties and forties)."
These insights, drawn from direct experience of both sides of the gender divide, give the book its unique power.
However, "Cleavage" occasionally suffers from a certain meandering quality. Some stories feel disconnected from the central thesis, and at times the chronology becomes confusing as Boylan jumps between different periods of her life. While this structure mimics the way memory actually works—associative rather than linear—it can occasionally leave the reader disoriented.
Additionally, readers familiar with Boylan's previous works will find some repetition of anecdotes and themes. The rich material on her childhood, particularly her relationship with her father, treads ground covered in earlier memoirs, albeit with new insights gained through the perspective of age.
Beyond the Binary: Expanding the Conversation
What sets "Cleavage" apart from Boylan's earlier work is her evolving perspective on gender itself. While her own journey followed a more traditional male-to-female narrative, she acknowledges and celebrates younger generations who inhabit nonbinary and genderfluid identities with a freedom that wasn't available to her.
In a particularly insightful passage, she reflects on her daughter's generation:
"Even now, among many good-hearted people, I hear resistance to the singular 'they.' Oh, I want everyone to feel accepted, they say. But it's bad grammar! That's what I resent!
Sometimes I suspect that what people really resent is not the change in grammar. What people resent is being told that the world that they have known has changed, and that even now they have to get used to something new."
This gracious embrace of evolving language and concepts demonstrates Boylan's intellectual generosity and her commitment to an expansive understanding of gender that goes beyond her own experience.
The Healing Power of Humor
Throughout "Cleavage," Boylan deploys humor as both shield and salve. In one memorable scene, she describes attending a ventriloquists' convention where a man in a bar keeps trying to pick her up, his dummy urging him on from a trunk. The absurdity of the situation highlights the bizarre social dynamics transgender women often navigate, while making readers laugh out loud.
This ability to find comedy in difficult circumstances is perhaps Boylan's greatest gift as a writer. Even when describing moments of discrimination or fear, she maintains a fundamental optimism about human nature. This is not naivete but a hard-won belief in the possibility of connection across differences.
Final Assessment: A Worthy Addition to the Gender Canon
"Cleavage" is not a perfect book. It occasionally loses focus and revisits territory Boylan has covered elsewhere. But these minor flaws are easily forgiven in light of the work's considerable strengths: its wisdom, compassion, and genuine desire to bridge divides rather than deepen them.
At its heart, this is a book about the fundamental challenge of human existence—how we can truly know and be known by others across the divides of gender, generation, and experience. Through her willingness to share her most vulnerable moments and her most hard-won insights, Boylan creates a space where readers of all genders can recognize something of themselves.
As she writes in her epilogue: "In the end, the bodies we find ourselves in may matter less than the souls that inhabit them. And during our time on earth, it is surely no sin to do what you can to find your happiness within the body you're in."
For readers seeking a thoughtful, humane exploration of gender from someone who has truly seen it from both sides now, "Cleavage" offers not just information but illumination. In a cultural moment when transgender lives have become politicized battlegrounds, Boylan's gentle reminder of our shared humanity feels both necessary and healing. Like the contrasting definitions of its title, the book both divides and connects—ultimately leaving readers with a deeper understanding of not just transgender experience, but what it means to be human.
The title "Cleavage" functions brilliantly as both metaphor and organizing principle. As Boylan explains in her epilogue, the word contains its own contradiction—to cleave means both to split apart and to adhere closely. This linguistic paradox mirrors the central tension of her narrative: the ways gender divides us, while our shared humanity binds us together.
Boylan's writing is, as always, infused with warmth, wit, and unflinching honesty. She moves effortlessly between hilarious anecdotes—like acquiring scurvy in college from a diet consisting solely of donuts and beer—to heart-wrenching moments of vulnerability, such as watching her wife Deedie sing to her in the hospital after gender-affirming surgery. Through it all, she maintains a voice that is distinctly her own: thoughtful, self-deprecating, and fundamentally kind.
The Shifting Landscape of Trans Experience
One of the most compelling aspects of "Cleavage" is Boylan's comparison between coming out as transgender in the early 2000s versus today's more polarized climate. She notes that when she came out to her evangelical Christian mother decades ago, the response was simple: "Love will prevail." There were no lectures about transgender athletes or accusations of "social contagion"—just a mother embracing her child.
This observation feels particularly poignant given the current wave of anti-transgender legislation sweeping through many states. Boylan doesn't shy away from these realities, but neither does she allow them to overwhelm her narrative. Instead, she offers her story as a counterbalance to dehumanizing political rhetoric—a reminder that behind every statistic is a human being with dreams, flaws, and an innate desire to be known.
Perhaps the most moving section of the book comes when Boylan discovers that her own child, Zach, is transgender. The revelation forces her to confront her own complicated feelings:
"Is it possible, I wondered, that I made this look like fun? Could my daughter have possibly looked at the intricacies of my life—of our lives—and not seen how hard it all had been, how there were times when I'd felt like I was clutching for dear life onto a tiny life preserver in the middle of a swirling, freezing sea?"
Her daughter Zai's transition becomes a mirror reflecting Boylan's own journey, but from a different generational perspective. The contrast between Boylan's more medicalized, binary transition and her daughter's more fluid understanding of gender highlights how quickly the conversation around gender identity has evolved.
Strengths and Shortcomings
Where "Cleavage" truly excels is in its exploration of the minutiae of gendered experience. Boylan's observations about how differently she was received as a professor before and after transition—from unquestioned authority figure to someone whose expertise is constantly challenged—cut to the heart of everyday sexism. Similarly, her reflections on body image, voice, and food illuminate how profoundly gender shapes our relationship with our bodies.
In her chapter on food, Boylan writes about making elaborate pizzas in a wood-fired oven, noting how differently she experiences weight gain as a woman than she did as a man:
"When I was a man (sic), I can say most definitively that it had not [mattered]. I'd had the same sense of myself as a boyo back then whether I was a slender willow tree (as I'd been throughout all my teens and twenties) or whether I was more the size of stately oak (my size in my thirties and forties)."
These insights, drawn from direct experience of both sides of the gender divide, give the book its unique power.
However, "Cleavage" occasionally suffers from a certain meandering quality. Some stories feel disconnected from the central thesis, and at times the chronology becomes confusing as Boylan jumps between different periods of her life. While this structure mimics the way memory actually works—associative rather than linear—it can occasionally leave the reader disoriented.
Additionally, readers familiar with Boylan's previous works will find some repetition of anecdotes and themes. The rich material on her childhood, particularly her relationship with her father, treads ground covered in earlier memoirs, albeit with new insights gained through the perspective of age.
Beyond the Binary: Expanding the Conversation
What sets "Cleavage" apart from Boylan's earlier work is her evolving perspective on gender itself. While her own journey followed a more traditional male-to-female narrative, she acknowledges and celebrates younger generations who inhabit nonbinary and genderfluid identities with a freedom that wasn't available to her.
In a particularly insightful passage, she reflects on her daughter's generation:
"Even now, among many good-hearted people, I hear resistance to the singular 'they.' Oh, I want everyone to feel accepted, they say. But it's bad grammar! That's what I resent!
Sometimes I suspect that what people really resent is not the change in grammar. What people resent is being told that the world that they have known has changed, and that even now they have to get used to something new."
This gracious embrace of evolving language and concepts demonstrates Boylan's intellectual generosity and her commitment to an expansive understanding of gender that goes beyond her own experience.
The Healing Power of Humor
Throughout "Cleavage," Boylan deploys humor as both shield and salve. In one memorable scene, she describes attending a ventriloquists' convention where a man in a bar keeps trying to pick her up, his dummy urging him on from a trunk. The absurdity of the situation highlights the bizarre social dynamics transgender women often navigate, while making readers laugh out loud.
This ability to find comedy in difficult circumstances is perhaps Boylan's greatest gift as a writer. Even when describing moments of discrimination or fear, she maintains a fundamental optimism about human nature. This is not naivete but a hard-won belief in the possibility of connection across differences.
Final Assessment: A Worthy Addition to the Gender Canon
"Cleavage" is not a perfect book. It occasionally loses focus and revisits territory Boylan has covered elsewhere. But these minor flaws are easily forgiven in light of the work's considerable strengths: its wisdom, compassion, and genuine desire to bridge divides rather than deepen them.
At its heart, this is a book about the fundamental challenge of human existence—how we can truly know and be known by others across the divides of gender, generation, and experience. Through her willingness to share her most vulnerable moments and her most hard-won insights, Boylan creates a space where readers of all genders can recognize something of themselves.
As she writes in her epilogue: "In the end, the bodies we find ourselves in may matter less than the souls that inhabit them. And during our time on earth, it is surely no sin to do what you can to find your happiness within the body you're in."
For readers seeking a thoughtful, humane exploration of gender from someone who has truly seen it from both sides now, "Cleavage" offers not just information but illumination. In a cultural moment when transgender lives have become politicized battlegrounds, Boylan's gentle reminder of our shared humanity feels both necessary and healing. Like the contrasting definitions of its title, the book both divides and connects—ultimately leaving readers with a deeper understanding of not just transgender experience, but what it means to be human.
October 26, 2024
This is an extra special book review because I received a signed, advance copy of this book with the promise to write an authentic book review. Here it is:
Cleavage by Jennifer Finney Boylan offers a unique and powerful exploration of the differences between men and women, through the eyes of someone who has lived both experiences. Boylan’s perspective as a transgender woman gives her insights into gender that are not only profound but deeply human.
What I found most compelling was her ability to reflect on womanhood after her transition with a fresh and nuanced understanding. Her experiences as both a man and a woman allow her to draw parallels and distinctions that most people might not consider. This added a richness to her narrative that felt both inspiring and informative.
Boylan’s writing invites readers to challenge their own preconceptions about gender, identity, and societal expectations. Her humor, vulnerability, and intelligence shine through, making it a thought-provoking read for anyone interested in gender dynamics or personal transformation.
Overall, Cleavage was an enlightening journey that expanded my understanding of what it means to live authentically. Boylan’s reflections left me with a deeper appreciation for the complexity of gender and the courage it takes to embrace one’s true self. Highly recommended!
#ReadCleavage @celadonbooks
Cleavage by Jennifer Finney Boylan offers a unique and powerful exploration of the differences between men and women, through the eyes of someone who has lived both experiences. Boylan’s perspective as a transgender woman gives her insights into gender that are not only profound but deeply human.
What I found most compelling was her ability to reflect on womanhood after her transition with a fresh and nuanced understanding. Her experiences as both a man and a woman allow her to draw parallels and distinctions that most people might not consider. This added a richness to her narrative that felt both inspiring and informative.
Boylan’s writing invites readers to challenge their own preconceptions about gender, identity, and societal expectations. Her humor, vulnerability, and intelligence shine through, making it a thought-provoking read for anyone interested in gender dynamics or personal transformation.
Overall, Cleavage was an enlightening journey that expanded my understanding of what it means to live authentically. Boylan’s reflections left me with a deeper appreciation for the complexity of gender and the courage it takes to embrace one’s true self. Highly recommended!
#ReadCleavage @celadonbooks
February 1, 2025
Such a powerful, beautiful & inspiring memoir. From boyhood to womanhood- Jenny is a trans icon. Coming out in the early 2000's was no easy task but, she paved the way for the future generation to come. I absolutely loved the writing style(it's a little bit all over the place but in the best way) she had me laughing and also crying. truly an inspiring read to never be afraid to be yourself and the right people will always stand behind you and love you no matter what. love will prevail.
thank you to the publishers and netgalley for the ARC!
thank you to the publishers and netgalley for the ARC!
March 16, 2025
DNF 80p. A very deceitful cover and title, probably because nobody wants to hear a privileged white trans woman rant about her cushy life. Nothing sadder than a 68 year old trying to convince you they’re still cool with Pop culture reference after pop culture reference, this must be what it’s like to read “ready players one”.
November 12, 2024
Very touching and emotional read. It is so true that everyone should be able to find happiness on our short journey on earth. Loved the close bond Jenny and Deedie have.
February 20, 2025
4/5
Problema, kad aš nelabai skaitau anotacijas. Permetu pradžią, kartais tiesiog pasitikiu autore (kaip šį kartą) ir tada galvoju, kad pasiėmiau istoriją apie cleavage (eeeh... tarpkrūčio?) sociologinę istoriją. Tai jei ką, ne :D. Čia tiesiog labai literatūriški, esė primenantys memuarai apie ilgą gyvenimą, iš kurio daugiau nei pusė buvo praleista būnant vyru, bet jaučiantis moterimi, o nuo keturiasdešimties – būnant moterimi ir jaučiantis moterimi. Neabejoju, kad tie, kuriems labiausiai reikėtų, kaip kad dažniausiai ir būna, šios knygos į rankas niekada nepaims. Bet gal nes jie ir autorė nekalba ta pačia – intelekto, empatijos, žinių, istorijos, gėrio ir humoro kalba. Nežinau kaip kažkas gali išgirsti apie vaiką, kuris jau nuo ketverių žinojo, kas iš tiesų yra, ir galvoti, kad tas žmogus tam neturi teisės ar kad žinoti negalėjo.
Autorė labai logiškai dėlioja argumentus dėl įvardžių, kitų žmonių pasirinkimų ir jų gerbimo. Sako: jei gebame popiežių vadinti jo pasirinktu vardu, o Cher vadinti ne Cherilyn Sarkasian, jos duotuoju vardu, tai kodėl negalime transseksualaus žmogaus vadinti jo norimu įvardžiu ar vardu? Viskas susiveda į pagarbą, mano galva, o autorė dar pabrėžia – ir vaizduotę. Nes jei galime įtikėti, kad Jorge Mario Bergoglio yra vadinamas Popiežiumi Pranciškumi ir taip vadintis pradėjo tik 77-ais savo gyvenimo metais, tai tikrai galime bet kuriam žmogui jausti pakankamai pagarbos, kad nesikreiptume nenorimu vardu ar nevadintume „ja“ ar „juo“.
Autorė pasakoja apie savo santuoką ir vaikus, profesiją ir vaikystę, paauglystę ir dėstytojos darbą. Ji pasakoja kaip skirtingai per gyvenimą vertino savo svorį ir rūbus, balsą ir ateitį. Kaip keitėsi baimės, keitėsi kūnas, vardas, bet nesikeitė vertybės. Pasakoja nepaprastai gražia kalba, reflektuodama ir atsigręždama į praeitį. Tiesa, negalėjau ignoruoti fakto, kad jei būčiau skaičiusi jos ankstesnius memuarus „She‘s Not There“, būtų jau atsakyta į daugybę klausimų dėl Jennifer gyvenimo, kurie man dabar kilo. Tai skaitysiu kiek pavėluotai, bet su dar didesniu susidomėjimu.
Problema, kad aš nelabai skaitau anotacijas. Permetu pradžią, kartais tiesiog pasitikiu autore (kaip šį kartą) ir tada galvoju, kad pasiėmiau istoriją apie cleavage (eeeh... tarpkrūčio?) sociologinę istoriją. Tai jei ką, ne :D. Čia tiesiog labai literatūriški, esė primenantys memuarai apie ilgą gyvenimą, iš kurio daugiau nei pusė buvo praleista būnant vyru, bet jaučiantis moterimi, o nuo keturiasdešimties – būnant moterimi ir jaučiantis moterimi. Neabejoju, kad tie, kuriems labiausiai reikėtų, kaip kad dažniausiai ir būna, šios knygos į rankas niekada nepaims. Bet gal nes jie ir autorė nekalba ta pačia – intelekto, empatijos, žinių, istorijos, gėrio ir humoro kalba. Nežinau kaip kažkas gali išgirsti apie vaiką, kuris jau nuo ketverių žinojo, kas iš tiesų yra, ir galvoti, kad tas žmogus tam neturi teisės ar kad žinoti negalėjo.
Autorė labai logiškai dėlioja argumentus dėl įvardžių, kitų žmonių pasirinkimų ir jų gerbimo. Sako: jei gebame popiežių vadinti jo pasirinktu vardu, o Cher vadinti ne Cherilyn Sarkasian, jos duotuoju vardu, tai kodėl negalime transseksualaus žmogaus vadinti jo norimu įvardžiu ar vardu? Viskas susiveda į pagarbą, mano galva, o autorė dar pabrėžia – ir vaizduotę. Nes jei galime įtikėti, kad Jorge Mario Bergoglio yra vadinamas Popiežiumi Pranciškumi ir taip vadintis pradėjo tik 77-ais savo gyvenimo metais, tai tikrai galime bet kuriam žmogui jausti pakankamai pagarbos, kad nesikreiptume nenorimu vardu ar nevadintume „ja“ ar „juo“.
Autorė pasakoja apie savo santuoką ir vaikus, profesiją ir vaikystę, paauglystę ir dėstytojos darbą. Ji pasakoja kaip skirtingai per gyvenimą vertino savo svorį ir rūbus, balsą ir ateitį. Kaip keitėsi baimės, keitėsi kūnas, vardas, bet nesikeitė vertybės. Pasakoja nepaprastai gražia kalba, reflektuodama ir atsigręždama į praeitį. Tiesa, negalėjau ignoruoti fakto, kad jei būčiau skaičiusi jos ankstesnius memuarus „She‘s Not There“, būtų jau atsakyta į daugybę klausimų dėl Jennifer gyvenimo, kurie man dabar kilo. Tai skaitysiu kiek pavėluotai, bet su dar didesniu susidomėjimu.
March 13, 2025
I almost decided to tell Net Galley that I would not be reading this book because I thought it was a treatise on the difference between men and women and, in particular, about women as objects. I was just not in the right mood for that type of book. This was based on the title and the iconic cover picture. I’m so glad that I read the blurb and realized it was a memoir. I was initially interested because I read Mad Honey by this author and Jodi Picoult. If you want to learn more about people who are transgender, this is the book for you. It is an insightful, well written memoir from the point of view of someone who transitioned years ago. She tells her story from always knowing she was a girl to actual transition and way beyond. Very timely read, particularly in today’s environment!
September 17, 2024
Jennifer Finney Boylan writes from her heart with empathy and humour. Her thoughts and feelings about transformation, both in gender and soul, are deep and passionate. With her latest book she includes stories she has shared before, as well as new issues put before us as this issue has become a political hotbutton.
Also in this book is her transformation as a parent, as her son becomes her daughter, and musings on parenting a trans son or daughter. She seems mostly to be preaching to the choir. She makes attempts to discuss the historical and literal inclusion of trans people for centuries, mainly to court the interest of those uninterested or opposed to transitioning, and parents who have negative reactions to their child coming out as trans. But that's a whole other book (which, hopefully, she will write).
Returning to the topic of what it means to identify as female or male, and the myriad ways people approach this, is articulate and probing.
Thanks to NetGalley for the eARC.
Also in this book is her transformation as a parent, as her son becomes her daughter, and musings on parenting a trans son or daughter. She seems mostly to be preaching to the choir. She makes attempts to discuss the historical and literal inclusion of trans people for centuries, mainly to court the interest of those uninterested or opposed to transitioning, and parents who have negative reactions to their child coming out as trans. But that's a whole other book (which, hopefully, she will write).
Returning to the topic of what it means to identify as female or male, and the myriad ways people approach this, is articulate and probing.
Thanks to NetGalley for the eARC.
January 21, 2025
This is not my first book by this author, but I did not read her first memoir. And I didn't really think this was going to be so much of a memoir as a comparison between how she was viewed/treated when she previously presented as male versus now. That is what I was expecting. And yes, there was some of that in this book, but there was a lot more. I enjoyed how she wove in clever references to various pop culture items and her stories of past interactions. However, there were multiple times when the same personal references were repeated and that was a bit annoying. After reading the acknowledgements it made more sense as several of these essays had been previously published. But, for me that detracts from a book's enjoyment. I didn't want a bunch of essays. I wanted a cohesive look at Men, Women, and the Space Between Us.
Thanks to NetGalley and Celadon Books for a copy of the book. This review is my own opinion.
Thanks to NetGalley and Celadon Books for a copy of the book. This review is my own opinion.
October 9, 2024
Thanks to Celadon books for this advanced reader copy of Cleavage: Men, Women, and the Space Between us by jennifer finney boylan. ❤️ I honestly forgot I had signed up to receive one and when it arrived the other day I cracked it open immediately and couldn't stop reading until I was finished. I was instantly enamored by the writing and further moved by the wisdom within these pages. My wish is that many people read this book when it's released in February because I think it will further expand your mind and soul to how varied humanity truly is, how we all are far more similar than we think, and how powerful love can be. I adored this book and I hope you do too.🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🏳️⚧️ Also, I think a solid companion watch would be the film Will & Harper on Netflix. This book and that film complement each other well in my opinion.
November 20, 2024
Boylan is such a seasoned writer; her wit and wisdom are evocative of Nora Ephron (whom she quotes in the epigraph). There are a lot of memoirs about growing up, so I extra appreciate lifelong memoirists like Dani Shapiro and Jenny Boylan, who also write about maturity. Here she takes the long view on gender specifically and change more generally. This is more essay collection than traditional memoir, but the narrative arc involves her daughter's transition into womanhood. Turns out even trans pioneers are not perfect parents, but love and communication do wonders for an every-transforming relationship.
February 21, 2025
Oh how excited I was to get a copy of this book as an ARC. I had read the synopsis but for some reason didn’t realize it was a memoir. It’s the story of a girl in a boys body and realizing this young but not knowing how to deal with it. Eventually he marries and has a couple of kids and then transitions to a woman. It is interesting when she talks about being able to go back in history but not forward. Enjoyed how she talked about how hard it was when her kids grew up and went off on their own. It was a little slow at times and felt like pieces were missing.
November 16, 2024
I enjoyed this book by Jenny Boylan. Jenny wrote this book as a trans woman who was formerly known as Jim. She shares her experiences of transitioning, along with the emotions and feelings that accompany such a journey. Through stories of her life before and after the transition, she provides insight into her life. I recommend this book to all readers who wish to understand the process of transitioning from one gender to another.
June 4, 2025
A really interesting look into the social differences between men and women by a person who has inhabited both worlds.
I found it interesting both as a memoir by an older trans person, and just an older person. Her looking back at her children growing, changing, being her family and a part of her but also becoming their own people as they move towards and into adulthood, was especially touching as I am in the middle of that very thing as a parent; and I can see my children as they are now, but also as they might be down the road, including the inevitability of moving further away from each other, an elementary but painful part of raising them - if they can't survive without you, chances are, it was you who messed something up (though don't we as parents already always feel that, even when it was fully out of our hands?)
And then, of course, there are the gender differences. How walking home late in the evening changed after she came out as a woman (and how the threat changed again whenever there was a possibility of anybody figuring out the trans part). How taxi rides or male friends weren't quite the same (though the ones that remained the same, all the more valued). How men and women seem to live in vastly different worlds where others react to them in vastly different ways (and why it's usually me going to the door to pick up our online orders, not my partner). It can be, suffice to say, and obvious from her occasional flare-ups, dismaying.
But, throughout it all, it is her optimism that is immediately appealing. In the day and age of seemingly constantly increasing transphobia, it’s touching to see a trans person to have so much hope, especially when it comes to younger trans people, who she already sees passing her by on their own road towards freedom and happiness (in which there was an awareness that comes with age, that I appreciated). She acknowledges her privilege, and how lucky she has been; and yet it's not like she's not aware of other possibilities (she names several). And still, throughout the sadness, she still has hope; as by the doors that closed, new ones opened.
Many of the chapters were apparently born from previous essays written for various publications, and you can sometimes see the difference stark in their form; but mostly it works as a single concentrated collection, especially as Boylan seems good at interweaving personal stories and thoughts with more general information.
There were a few moments that gave me pause. The (trans-) gender reveals of a few people especially were built in a way that was effective as storytelling, but I hope they approved the previous misgendering for such purpose. In addition, her own reaction to the gender reveal of a person close to her was of potentially controversial note, reacting with almost as much dismay as a cisgender parent might; but I also found her honesty vital, as the reality is that we humans are often complicated creatures with conflicting natures and reactions, and being honest about it is of great importance for raising awareness and acceptance of ourselves, especially for those going through the same thing (as long as you come out right on the other side - and yeah, ‘right’s subjective, but I think you know what I mean).
It’s also amusing how the name and image on the cover are much more transgressive than anything in the book (and she even amusingly apologises in the afterword for not including more boobs in the previous text). Or, well, much less transgressive for anybody that isn’t inclined to transphobia.
Which would be an unfortunate reason for dismissing it, not just because of the transphobia part, but because they might find something useful in this book, of a person looking back at their life grappling with the complicated path their gender took, and what one might glean from it.
Boylan’s story is, of course, her own. Her experience describes her experience, as she acknowledges herself, especially when it comes to the generational differences (it’s quite relieving to hear that we might be approaching a point, or have already, where trans people aren’t expected to go into intimate details regarding their genitals on public network TV shows -- or even if they are, the young trans people have learned that they don’t have to succumb). She also speaks somewhat fondly of the pronoun and the boy she used to be, even while acknowledging the hurt, confusion, and how much better it might have been had she had the daring to tackle her truth earlier; yet the way she talks of him, I don’t think many trans people do (though I am also under-educated here).
But I found the book consistently fascinating, for many reasons, including her personal trans experience, the overall gender discussion, and her aging reminiscences of a life lived, children raised, and a home shared. In the days of fervid hatred and increasing cruelty, as people inclined to evil use minorities as scapegoats towards their own better ends while the ignorant and casually hateful follow en masse, a book of empathy, kindness, and awareness is a gift. Boylan’s occasionally self-centered perspective might repel some readers, but I can feel her doing her best as she meanders through somewhat haphazardly chosen memories and thoughts. I feel like I want to say more, but I also feel like I should give it another read to truly comprehend everything I want to say.
And hey -- even if she lied about the boobs, this was still a great read.
I found it interesting both as a memoir by an older trans person, and just an older person. Her looking back at her children growing, changing, being her family and a part of her but also becoming their own people as they move towards and into adulthood, was especially touching as I am in the middle of that very thing as a parent; and I can see my children as they are now, but also as they might be down the road, including the inevitability of moving further away from each other, an elementary but painful part of raising them - if they can't survive without you, chances are, it was you who messed something up (though don't we as parents already always feel that, even when it was fully out of our hands?)
And then, of course, there are the gender differences. How walking home late in the evening changed after she came out as a woman (and how the threat changed again whenever there was a possibility of anybody figuring out the trans part). How taxi rides or male friends weren't quite the same (though the ones that remained the same, all the more valued). How men and women seem to live in vastly different worlds where others react to them in vastly different ways (and why it's usually me going to the door to pick up our online orders, not my partner). It can be, suffice to say, and obvious from her occasional flare-ups, dismaying.
But, throughout it all, it is her optimism that is immediately appealing. In the day and age of seemingly constantly increasing transphobia, it’s touching to see a trans person to have so much hope, especially when it comes to younger trans people, who she already sees passing her by on their own road towards freedom and happiness (in which there was an awareness that comes with age, that I appreciated). She acknowledges her privilege, and how lucky she has been; and yet it's not like she's not aware of other possibilities (she names several). And still, throughout the sadness, she still has hope; as by the doors that closed, new ones opened.
Many of the chapters were apparently born from previous essays written for various publications, and you can sometimes see the difference stark in their form; but mostly it works as a single concentrated collection, especially as Boylan seems good at interweaving personal stories and thoughts with more general information.
There were a few moments that gave me pause. The (trans-) gender reveals of a few people especially were built in a way that was effective as storytelling, but I hope they approved the previous misgendering for such purpose. In addition, her own reaction to the gender reveal of a person close to her was of potentially controversial note, reacting with almost as much dismay as a cisgender parent might; but I also found her honesty vital, as the reality is that we humans are often complicated creatures with conflicting natures and reactions, and being honest about it is of great importance for raising awareness and acceptance of ourselves, especially for those going through the same thing (as long as you come out right on the other side - and yeah, ‘right’s subjective, but I think you know what I mean).
It’s also amusing how the name and image on the cover are much more transgressive than anything in the book (and she even amusingly apologises in the afterword for not including more boobs in the previous text). Or, well, much less transgressive for anybody that isn’t inclined to transphobia.
Which would be an unfortunate reason for dismissing it, not just because of the transphobia part, but because they might find something useful in this book, of a person looking back at their life grappling with the complicated path their gender took, and what one might glean from it.
Boylan’s story is, of course, her own. Her experience describes her experience, as she acknowledges herself, especially when it comes to the generational differences (it’s quite relieving to hear that we might be approaching a point, or have already, where trans people aren’t expected to go into intimate details regarding their genitals on public network TV shows -- or even if they are, the young trans people have learned that they don’t have to succumb). She also speaks somewhat fondly of the pronoun and the boy she used to be, even while acknowledging the hurt, confusion, and how much better it might have been had she had the daring to tackle her truth earlier; yet the way she talks of him, I don’t think many trans people do (though I am also under-educated here).
But I found the book consistently fascinating, for many reasons, including her personal trans experience, the overall gender discussion, and her aging reminiscences of a life lived, children raised, and a home shared. In the days of fervid hatred and increasing cruelty, as people inclined to evil use minorities as scapegoats towards their own better ends while the ignorant and casually hateful follow en masse, a book of empathy, kindness, and awareness is a gift. Boylan’s occasionally self-centered perspective might repel some readers, but I can feel her doing her best as she meanders through somewhat haphazardly chosen memories and thoughts. I feel like I want to say more, but I also feel like I should give it another read to truly comprehend everything I want to say.
And hey -- even if she lied about the boobs, this was still a great read.
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