My Selling Pitch:
Do you want the most basic brain rot of an alien smut story that is super plotholey but kinda compulsively readable?
Pre-reading:
When I tell you this book has been living rent-free in my brain, Reels ads are on another level, dude. Like I love the cover. I love it. It’s not even drawn that well, but something about the colors just does it for me. Also, probably the titties. I don’t know what it’s about. I don’t care. It’s probably gonna be awful. It’s on Kindle Unlimited, but I am kind of in a book slump right now and this is the only thing I can think about reading.
Thick of it:
Oh yeah, I mean who doesn’t just have a pet raven named Gary?
I don’t think I had a post-apocalyptic hotel on the bingo board for this book, but go off. I love that she’s not even trying to explain it. She really said I don’t know who bombed the world, but the world’s bombed. Go with it.
Either the artist who did the cover doesn’t know what a sheath dress is or the author doesn’t, but this is like the second book I’ve read this year when they’re trying to describe a sexy outfit and they’re like she’s in a sheath. Ain’t nobody seeing titties in a sheath dress.
Is coffee creamer her weakness in that she likes her coffee with a lot of cream or that she’s lactose intolerant?
I hate when people call themselves fluffy. You’re not a cat.
Does the company taking her belongings make any sense? Absolutely not. Do I really care? No.
Oh Edward Cullen, absolutely not.
What is it with the romance girlies and the growly men? Men don’t really growl. Like I’ve never heard a grown man do that.
Oh, now he’s dragging her, cool.
Oh, this book is trash. I’m gonna read it.
Oh, he’s an alien. Of course he is, silly me.
He works for the MAN. (No one makes jokes about this and that is a crime.)
They really said the aliens have to fuck humans to save the planet.
How…how did they milk them? I’m so afraid of the answer to that question. Not like prostate- I’ll go. I’ll see myself out. (But like no, I nailed it. That is exactly what they meant.)
So he’s got a spicy hand, got it.
You can’t have proper hair care for all the girlies with one shampoo.
Why is there a cat stuffed animal in the sex scene?
Dear Christe, what am I reading? (I’m gonna stop correcting what voice texting auto-corrects all these religious exclamations to because sometimes they turn out even funnier. Adds a little spice.)
Wait, so does he have like a chastity belt cock cage on? What is going on? (It’s the way I scold myself like no, Sam, you pervert. That would never happen, but no, that is exactly what happens.)
It’s so interesting to me when books take the time to point out aesthetic lighting during an action sequence. They’re like draw this for fanart, please.
Post-apocalyptic but Netflix still exists-gotcha.
Definitely not have skin transplants work, but you know
This is kinda non-con, besties.
There are quite a few typos in this book.
Someday some intrepid stalker is going to go through my book history and see all these weird highlights from the books I read ironically and be like what on earth is this girl into?
I just-how does this exist? Why? How did people come up with this? Why is this a thing? Why is it so repeated? If it’s so popular, why don’t I get it?
I hate alternative anatomy.
Oh, I got some qualms with this dirty talk Absolutely not. Women don’t exist for men. Done with this sentiment. Stop trying to make this appealing. It will never be appealing to me.
I was born for snacks and snark, not alien cock, so sorry.
If he’s in a cock cage for centuries though like shit should be falling off. The urine alone. Like he would REEK.
Post-reading:
This is brain rot. If you’re a Kindle Unlimited girlie who just wants to read the most bonkers smut that she can get her filthy, little hands on…you’ll probably find this tame lol. The CoHo girlies would simply pass away.
It is not good. I cannot emphasize that enough. It is compulsively readable. The plot makes no sense. The characters, super stock. The dirty talk and smut, mediocre. Homeboy’s in a cock cage for centuries. Shit should be falling off. But girly pops, when I tell you I read this so fast. I’m not proud of that. I just love to cringe spectate, and if that’s your vibe too… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but I’ve read worse. Not much worse, but still have read worse.
(Also someone let me know if the cover also gave you the impression that she was like running a Victorian bed and breakfast and a monster just shows up at her door as a guest. I didn’t really peg it as an alien story.)
Who should read this:
Good god, no one
Cringe spectators
Alien smut girly pops
Do I want to reread this:
No
Similar books:
* A Soul to Keep by Opal Reyne-monster smut, alternative anatomy
Unhinged Summary:
Nessa gets a job at a super exclusive hotel because it's a post-apocalyptic world but affordable health care is still a myth, so girly pop is up to her eyeballs in debt from trying to manage period cramps. She makes some friends and captures the attention of some hottie E.T. assassin because she reminds him of his dead ex-girlfriend. What’s a boy? to do? Stalk her, obviously. She’s working a hotel party and a mean guest being mean because he's a meanie so he has to mean, snatches her necklace. She starts cramping immediately, so she's like, peace. Bedtime for me. Emphasis on bedtime because alien boy is ready and waiting. He’s like hey babes, I know we haven’t had a real conversation, but those cramps are because you need to get fucked. Ride my fingers. She's like bet. They find out she’s not a human. She’s actually a creature called a Deo. Which means she’s like really sweaty but it’s like sexy sweat and call him thirsty because alien boy wants to drink her up. Sex sweat (guys, please let me call it sex sweat) is the new Gatorade for the little green men and makes them super strong and powerful, which is great because they’re fighting this other alien species because plot. So alien pussy killer is like forget customer service, you’re about to go into dick service. He wants to take her to the alien council where she can get assigned some alien prince so her life‘s purpose can now be getting fucked. Literally. For some reason, girly pop is like oh my god, I have to pay my rent at my old apartment that I don’t use anymore because I live at the hotel. So they go and get attacked by the other alien species on the way because what else would they do? So now they have to go hide out at a safe house. While they’re there, Nessa’s like hmm, I don’t know if I want to fuck strangers. Maybe I should fuck the alien I know, rather than the alien I don’t. And he’s like that’s great babes, but my dick’s in a box. Like it’s literally in a box. It’s in a chastity cage and it’s been in there for centuries and somehow I don’t REEK or have a UTI. And she’s like OMG bummer, but like what if I wave my magic necklace over it? And he’s like oh my god, that worked but what about my dead girlfriend? And she’s like babes, I am your dead girlfriend, just like reincarnated probably. And he’s like oh my god you’re so sexy, but what about the fact that I’m not a prince? And she’s like oh my god, my bad. I threw my necklace across the room. Guess I’m gonna start cramping, and the only solution will be for you to fuck me. And he’s like damn, you’re right. So basically they’re in love. Now that they’re a couple there’s definitely no need for them to go to the council, but he’s like well, we told them we were coming and you know I may be an assassin, but canceling plans last minute is way too far. So they go and it’s definitely not a trap. They get there and the council’s like so we know you said you’re in love, but like do you know he’s poor? And she’s like yeah he’s poor, but he’s also hung like an alien, so I’m cool with it. And they’re like cool, cool, cool so we’ll definitely let you go, we just want you to play dress up first. She’s like oh my god, I’m really not like other girls like I don’t like makeup or dresses, but sure ET’s gonna think I’m so hot. And oh my God it’s a trap? Quelle surprise. But assassin boy just slaughters their way out, and then they go back to the hotel. Yep, the end.