Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: The Definitive Guide

by David Stoop

For more than 15 years, people who grew up in dysfunctional families have found hope, healing, and the power to move forward with their lives in the classic Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves. Now, in this revised and updated edition--which includes new stories, statistics, and more practical help--a new generation can move beyond failure to forgiveness by understanding the roots of their pain.
Readers will explore family patterns that perpetuate dysfunction by constructing a "psychological family tree" that will uncover family secrets and habits that have shaped their adult identity. As they develop a greater understanding of their family of origin, they will be able to take the essential step of forgiveness, releasing themselves from the chains of the past to live in freedom and wholeness. Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves gives readers the power to become "unstuck" from behaviors that hurt themselves and those they love, changing their hearts so they can change their lives forever.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Christian, Counselling, Family, Parenting

272 pages, Paperback

First published September 1, 1991

About the author

David Stoop, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California. He received a master's in theology from Fuller Theological Seminary and a doctorate from the University of Southern California.
He is frequently heard as a cohost on the nationally syndicated New Life Live! radio and TV program.
David is the founder and director of the Center for Family Therapy in Newport Beach, California. He is also an adjunct professor at Fuller Seminary and serves on the executive board of the American Association of Christian Counselors.
David is a Gold Medallion-winning author who has written more than thirty books, including Forgiving the Unforgivable, and Rethink How You Think.
He resides with his wife Jan in Newport Beach, California, and has three sons and six grandchildren.

Connect with David on:
DrStoop.com
Facebook
Twitter

Reviews

[Cory · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was actually very good. It had a lot of information that actually resonated with me quite a bit.


Sorry for the jumbled notes, I just write what I feel makes sense at the time.
Here are some of my notes on the book:
Healthy traits for families -
Problems are seen as family problems, not just individual problems.
We are all in this together and if you have a problem we have a problem, but it's also the individuals responsibility as well. Must deal with each other straight forward and direct.
There is a tolerance of differences and mutual respect.
Respect for each generation.
Boundaries are maintained.
Each learns from the others and encourages feedback.
And each person is allowed to experience their own emptiness.
People know what is expected of them.
There is clear and adjustable leadership depending on the situation. Clear rules, consequences, and exceptions.
Reasoning is encouraged.
Communication is plentiful, and people know what is expected of them.

Relationships can feel disengaged or too much. People often go for opposite sides of the spectrum. Often know less about each other than friends. Often there is a scapegoat. "For the badness in the family" It forces a degree of isolation on us, and makes it hard to gather our surroundings.

Needs to be: Sense of individuality with connectedness, enjoy both togetherness and separation.
Can share outside experiences with family knowing they will understand.

Different types of families, amongst them is the chaotic family, and isolated islands. Each person has a hard time feeling connected and reaching out. They long for emotional closeness but stays inside of them. Acting on them was too frightening a prospect.

Put your own mask on first, then help the other person. I'm going to take care of ME first so that I can take care of you too.

Forgiveness is the ultimate step in getting over a lot of these feelings.

Releasing them from their debt to you. You no longer owe me anything. When you harbor bitterness, it eats away at you. No "ifs" or "untils" in forgiveness. (I decidwe towards releasing you from the debt you owe me)
Sometimes the emotions come back but you must work through them a number of times before you can truly be free of the emotions.

Steps to forgiveness:
1. Recognize the injury to us or by us.
2. Identify the emotions involved. Fear? Guilt & Shame? Anger?
3. Express your hurt and anger. Talk them out with someone who won't try to problem solve. Can write, no literature, just throw out your feelings onto paper. A letter to them, but dont give it to them. "You gain nothing by getting even if they read it".
4. Set boundaries to protect yourself.
5. Cancel the debt.
6. Consider the possibility of reconciliation. (Not the same as forgiveness, because it requires cooperation on both fronts, so you may not be able to reconcile, but forgiveness can be done alone.)


Don't deny your past.

Intrusive - guilt trips to get what she wants and makes decisions for us. Leads to a lack of ability to judge for ourselves.
Abandoning/Unpredictable - Lack of feeling safe. Attribute it to ourselves, and results in the inability to see good and bad and that they can coexist in the same person, it's ultimately one or the other, no gray. Must see otherwise.

Have a tendency to assume parents are always right, so we blame ourselves of shortcomings.

Control is important in a dysfunctional family, the only answer to the chaos around them.

Accept the reality of wha thappened to us to deal with it. You cannot forgive if you forget and are not aware of what happened. We mourn over who we might have been, over what we didn't get out of the cihldhood, what we didn't get from parents. We may feel cheated, and stripped of self-worth.

Feel them, work through them, then move past them. Mourning is therapeutic. Letting go of bitterness so that they who dominated our lives can finally no longer dominate our lives.

We can never change what has happened to us in the past. We can change the way we respond to it in the here and now.

true forgiveness takes time. You can't short-circuit it. Too quickly without working through what's happened your forgiveness will be incmplete. Anger is a normal human reaction to getting hurt. It can tell us we need to set boundaries.

People often don't know what to do with their anger. Write it, share w. a friend, vocalize it to yourself.

We choose our RESPONSE, but not our REACTION.

Repressed emotions can lead to poor self-image, inability to form or maintain long-term relations, or a tendency to self-pity, hold resentment, and not forgive.

Support systems are important. Even if the guilty parties admit their wrongs, often the one wronged does not find peace. The memory does not go away and stays a source of turmoil.

Don't play the blame game. "You" vs "I" Statements.

Things just don't always end up how we'd hoped. Even w/ or w/ out pointing fingers.

The more we blame, the more we walk down teh path of bitterness.
Injury and hurt leads to a choice of blaming or continues to blame
From that: We cancel the debt and forgive, or continue nursing the blame.
From that: We lead to freedom and recovery or bitterness.

Blaming other people for our problems does not solve them, even if we are right. We are under that person's control because we put our energy into that blame and bitterness. Pain doesn't go away just because we know who, only when we forgive does it go away.
Blaming = shifting responsibility.
You are not the cause for someone's choices. Release from false blame.

Those that hurt you, hurt you, you can't change that. You CAN accept it, and decide how to respond and go on with life.

Forgiveness is accepting people for who and what they are, it's love. We must also forgive ourselves. Accept our limitations, failing, and vulnerabilities.

And follow the steps to forgiving ourselves as well.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some useful information, especially the questions at the back of the book, but too religiously inclined for my personal comfort.

[Hailey]

This is a good book. I was ready to read it though. I think that if you're ready to forgive, willing to forgive, then this is a good book to read.

[andrew y · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked the first few chapters and enjoyed mapping out my family and relationships. It did help me see some new things. But. The reasoning about forgiveness and why it is important and how it works is 100% rooted in the teachings of Jesus. This makes it tough to relate at times, or to put proper weight in what is being said. There are also a couple of “well in the original Hebrew this ACTUALLY means…” moments, and those are laughable no matter where they appear.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who spent too many years holding onto the pain of a broken, dysfunctional family dynamic, I’m learning to find freedom in forgiving others. This book has several helpful chapters in taking tangible steps toward forgiving the people that hurt you (and understanding what part, if any, you had to play in the situations) and ultimately moving forward with grace and freedom into the future.

“One of the joys of forgiving is that we experience a wonderful freedom in our lives. Holding grudges keeps us
focused on our pain- On ourselves. Forgiveness frees us to focus on God and on what His plan holds for us.”

[Lindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a fantastic and potentially healing read for anyone raised in and by an imperfect world.

Read for my Foundations class for my Marriage and Family Therapy class.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good! "The first step in releasing the past is to become aware of the problems that still exist." First part of the book is "family systems theories", using Abraham's family as an example for how dysfunctional patterns repeat when unresolved hurts of the past are not resolved. Second part of the book is about forgiveness - what it is and what it isn't, the process of forgiveness, the importance of remembering (not "forgive and forget"), and what is required for reconciliation to be possible.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a great book. It really helped me work through a lot of things and better understand family dynamics. Brought a lot of light to situations I didn't fully understand before. I would definitely recommend this book.

[Grace Callahan]

Prompted helpful self-assessment and insight. I learned from a professional perspective as well--there are many different lenses through which we can view mental health, such as trauma, biology, social experiences, or, in this case, family dynamics. It introduced a realistic picture of functional vs. dysfunctional families and how these dynamics can play into mental health in adulthood. I could understand the religious perspective because I was raised within it, but would caution readers based off of this. It justifies forgiveness to others and ourselves through biblical passages and religious teachings, but, whether you see this through a religious lens or it, it all comes from the dignity and inherent worthiness of every human being, though that is a belief system in itself, I guess. I am not going to rate this one because it is not something that can be judged in that way; every person will have a different experience with it, and it feels personal to the stories of the clients within. I WOULD recommend it with explanation of all these things. It is best read over the span of some time in order to complete continual self reflection and come to every new chapter with new understandings.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was expecting this book to be like so many others that claim to be like it: offer a somewhat valuable (although obvious) bit of wisdom and then just fill the rest of the pages with drivel.

I was wrong.

This book offered so much more: truths of the Bible as well as proven psychology; often alongside each other, supporting the evidence of the other.

It became an increasingly difficult book to read as it truly helped me delve greater into my being, as well as of those who have helped shape who and what I am today. Many a tears were shed when its truths were revealed. It has 100% helped me (and still does/will) in my efforts to move forward in life and break free from the chains (cliché, but ever so true) of those who wounded me so greatly.

I plan on purchasing my own copy of this book and recommend others to do the same.

[Mandikaake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forgiving our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves by Dr. David Stoop - disclaimer, this is a faith-based book.
Every family is dysfunctional; every family has secrets. This book includes several personal stories of patients Dr. David Stoops has counseled, along with very in-depth exercises that can be done to not only identify familia dysfunction; but to also reconcile if both parties are willing to work together. If both parties are not able to reconcile, Dr. Stoops offers ways to forgive but mentions we should not forget. Why not forget? Because forgetting any type of abusive behavior leads to more enabling of abuse. Overall I think this book is fantastic! I have not been able to do the exercises within the book as they are very time consuming, but I hope to in the future.

[Josolyn Weir · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those “take what you need, leave what you don’t” kind of reads. I approached it with interest from both a personal and professional perspective, curious about how it explores healing. The book leans heavily on faith in God as a path to forgiveness, which will resonate deeply with some readers. It also references the 12 Steps from AA/NA, making it especially relevant for clients familiar with those frameworks.

There are plenty of reflective worksheets included, which could be useful in a therapeutic setting. Personally, I found it harder to stay engaged—it took me quite a while to get through—but overall, I took what was meaningful for me and left the rest. I can absolutely see how this book could be transformational for the right person.

[Porter Sprigg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is encouraging and gives a lot of practical steps on how to unpack and forgive childhood hurts. Although the Gospel is acknowledged, I wish this book went deeper into how forgiveness and reconciliation between families is rooted in the forgiveness and reconciliation of Christ on the cross. A book that combines the psychological insights here and the depth of Tim Keller’s reflections on forgiveness would be the ideal book for me, but I haven’t found it yet.

[Ivana Jessline · Rating 4 out of 5]

Buku ini mengeksplorasi tentang dampak luka masa kecil yang ditimbulkan oleh pola asuh orang tua , baik secara sadar maupun nggak sadar. David Stoop ngajak pembaca untuk menghadapi rasa sakit itu, memahami akar masalahnya, dan, yang paling penting, belajar memaafkan baik orang tua maupun diri sendiri.

Buku ini kadang terasa berat secara emosional, terutama buat pembaca yang masih belum siap menghadapi luka masa lalu. Tapi, panduan praktisnya bisa jadi healing yang bisa langsung dipraktekin

[Jared Lanigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful in a traditional way that is more and more overlooked: choca with practical activities to help us forgive ourselves and others for things that still hold us captive in pain, division and family myths

[Ayeshia Faustine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was really good and have practical things for you to really reflect on your and family’s lives. Reading this does make you think and reflect on yourself especially your family dynamics. The language author use is easy to understand as well.

[Glenn Robinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very helpful and insightful.

[Dayinta Andira · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book offers an insightful starting point for anyone looking to explore the lasting effect of childhood trauma shaped by parental upbringing through the variety of related cases. The authors encourage us to begin the process of forgiveness, which steps to undertake the journey are split into two chapters.

First, we’re guided to uncover the root issues by deeply eximining the family dynamics that caused the wounds. By understanding the root, we’ll be better equipped to identify where the work of forgiveness begins. In the second chapter, we’re then led to confront the pain and other emotional reaction to being hurt like anger, because that’s also part of the journey. This chapter talk a lot about acceptance and the forgiveness itself.

To make the practical steps for recognizing and healing the childhood trauma easier to follow, the authors provide pages of study guide at the end of the book.

I slow-read this book and did self-reflection once in a while. Even though it is very infused to Bible, as a muslim I still enjoy and learn from.

[Ginta · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good on forgiveness.

[Anita Smith]

Eh... I'm kind of not feeling this.