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Discovering the Mind of a Woman: The Key to Becoming a Strong and Irresistable Husband Is...
As the founder and president of Life Partners, a renowned discipleship ministry, bestselling author Ken Nair has discipled more than five hundred men in how to become more Christlike husbands--all of whom have experienced renewal and restoration in their relationships. Now, he's here to help you do the same.Drawing from stories from his own marriage, as well as the journeys of countless husbands whose marriages were dissolving, Nair reveals major roadblocks in life and in marriage.As you learn more about your spouse in Discovering the Mind of a Woman, you'll gain the tools you need God in your marriageTruly meet the needs of your spouseBecome a spiritual leader within your marriageWhat follows within the pages of Discovering the Mind of a Woman are life-changing concepts that won't just revive a marriage, they'll change your perspective forever.Praise for Discovering the Mind of a "I am glad for this book. After fifty-five years of Christian marriage, I find thoughts here that will help me be more thoughtful of my wife's needs. It has helped me understand why and how she thinks differently than I do about so many things. A husband, as this book points out, is to live with and love his wife with understanding. This change in a husband and the consequent response by a wife result in life-changing home life, and together radiate to many others, for the glory of Christ."--Kenneth N. Taylor, translator of The Living Bible
256 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 26, 1995
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June 20, 2013I would like to assure you before getting into this review that I did in fact try to approach this book with a balanced mind. I don't believe that it's possible for any human being to be unbiased, but I do attempt to try and see things from various angles before making judgments.
That being said, I would like to say that if Ken Nair had simply written a book with some helpful analysis and practical psychological/sociological advice on how to better one's marriage or if he had written a memoir delineating his own relationship experiences and how the Lord taught him individually (and continues to teach him...hopefully) it would have been easier to suspend a bit more judgment. An increasingly popular American evangelical fad is to turn one's own experiences into a formula that everyone should follow. Now I'm not a big fan of individualism as a whole, but I do believe that everyone is different and everyone's relationships are different. There may be some general formulas that could be useful across the board, but I don't think that it's wise to take all formulas on as law just because some Christian author said it worked for them. Pragmatism has greatly affected our minds and we need to realize that just because something "works" doesn't mean that it's biblical or God's will.
I do agree with Nair when it comes to some of his analysis on how many men view women and their wives in dominating ways. The denigration of women needs to be crucified with Christ just as much as every other cultural sin. I also see his point that to take that heart issue to the cross is hard work, and that the "old man" will fight that process every step of the way. However, it was apparent within the first ten pages or so that Nair's own negative attitudes towards women have not been fully taken care of. While Nair seems to have come along some in his repentance of how he's viewed and treated his own wife, the way he handles the Scripture in this book entirely negates what he professes to be trying to teach other men.
Nair's most damaging teaching, when lining it up with what the Bible actually says, presents to the reader as what in literature is called a "foil" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foil_(li...). Although similar, it's not quite a straw man because what he uses to draw in the reader is actually common experience instead of a fabricated diversion. He pulls on the emotions, whether guilt of a man or pain of a woman, by conveying the unfortunately all-too common experience of the controlling and emotionally abusive husband and the victimized wife. Then when he's got the reader hooked, he displays his own version of the Creation narrative, complete with new roles for the husband and wife. Yet Nair's exegesis of various Scripture passages is sparse at best. In many instances he doesn't provide verses to back up his supposed biblically based ideas or if he does bring one up, he takes it completely out of context. He also relies heavily on speculation, filling in the blanks of Scripture where there are no actual answers in the text, especially when it comes to the story of Creation. And this is where I want to focus, because it is the foundation of the rest of what Nair writes.
The most vivid example of this is shown on pages 37- 39. In his section "Prejudice Reinforced by Biblical Interpretation," Nair makes the most astounding claims about why God created Eve, and the roles that men and women are supposed to assume.On page 37, Nair says about Genesis 2:
"My reading of the passage tells me that at that very moment, while God was relating with
Adam, He said, 'It is not good that man should be alone.' But wait a minute! Of all the
possibilities in which I might feel alone, the time while God was relating with me certainly
would not be one! But God, being able to see into the future, knew that after the Fall, He
and Adam would be separated. Adam would then indeed be alone, separated from God. In
anticipation of that event, God invented a helper, one who could serve to accomplish God's
purpose of reestablishing spiritual sensitivity."
So according to Nair, Eve's main purpose had to do with Fallen man. She was created to help re-establish Adam's "spiritual sensitivity" (i.e., Man's intimacy with God) after sin entered the world. This continues to make it all about the man and severely diminishes Eve's (and therefore woman's) own relationship with God. There doesn't seem to be a priority of intimacy with God for the woman in Nair's assessment. He also reveals his cultural ignorance in claiming that it is the man that is not spiritually sensitive post-Fall. A simple study of non-Western cultures can show the reader that men in other countries can in fact be just as "spiritually sensitive" as women. Even men in the West can have spiritual sensitivities if they have been allowed to hold on to that part of themselves despite the surrounding society's pressure to deny it along with many other things.
Nair also ignores the truth that Eve was created to correspond to Adam before the Fall, that God created Eve when He decided it was not good for Adam to be alone in the Garden and that the animals were not suitable helpers (Genesis 2:18-20). Nowhere in the text does it say that God created Eve as a forethought to what would happen after sin entered Creation. Further, if we agree with Nair, we should probably ignore the obvious emotion in Adam's response to seeing Eve for the first time and that they had an intimate relationship before the Fall (Genesis 2:18-25). It also seems that Nair forgets about the New Testament, specifically what Paul writes to the Galatians, rejoicing that in Christ, all are "sons" (the Greek is masculine but covers both male and female) of God through faith and that there is no longer Jew or Greek, slave or free, male and female (Galatians 3:23-29). This among countless other passages affirms the equality of all human beings, and that the Lord desires intimate relationships with both sexes.
Nair goes on to say:
"Because our separation from God was so extensive, we weren't left with a clue about what
godliness is. Even as Christians, we still need help. Were it not for salvation through Jesus
Christ and the entrance of the Holy Spirit, now indwelling the Christian's spirit, we would
not have any motivation in our spirit to care about God's ways. And being new-baby
Christians--still living within the frame of our human beings, and still being spiritually
ignorant--we continue to operate on the basis of our human instincts. And therein lies the
need for help. God provided a man with a tangible, visible means of discerning whether or not
he is on track about becoming more and more like Christ and sensitive in his spirit to the
Spirit of God.
Basically, God is saying, 'After the Fall, I know you won't have a clue about what godliness
is, so I'm providing you with a helper. This helper will provide you with a means of
measuring whether or not you are becoming more and more like what I want you to be,
spiritually alive and functional. Christ is your example and the way. Then as you become
more Christlike, you will also be furnishing your wife with the leadership that provides an
example worth following. Together you can reestablish the spirit-to-spirit relationship with
God that was lost.'
Instead of seeing women in that positive light, many Christian men consider women as not much
more than some sort of God-given sidekick, like in the old radio programs Tonto was to the
Lone Ranger. Dare I go so far as to add that some men believe God gave women such a wide
range of potential so that they could be more useful for men? Their qualities help them to
more effectively serve the purpose of making us look good in our social circles, as business
executives, as elders in the church. If they perform as we think God made them to perform,
there is probably no end to how useful they could be. But God forbid that we should consider
them equals--partners with God, whose God-given purpose is to help us discover the difference
between the standard male attitudes in our hearts and Christlike attitudes."
This passage, along with Nair's list of things that he pleaded with God for on page 5 (specifically numbers 2 and 3), and his advice to a man on page 29 about the husband being the "representative of Christ" to his wife, fabricates new roles for both a man as a husband and a woman as a wife. Nair's foil is plainly displayed in that he conveys how men see women for their usefulness to them and their goals, then proceeds to use woman for his own end which is supposedly becoming more like Christ. Besides the fact that he does not mention the reality that both men AND women are equally sinful, and equally held accountable to God, Nair seems to think that it's the woman's job, rather than the Holy Spirit's, to keep the man accountable. It is not the woman/wife who is supposed to teach the man/husband about what his sin is, and how he can repent of it. That is purely the work of the Holy Spirit (John 16:7-15). Also, nowhere in the Bible does it say that the husband is a representative of Christ to the wife. This idea suggests that the husband is somehow a middleman between the wife and God, when that is solely Christ's position (John 14:1-7).
If one were to take Nair's claims as a springboard, it would lead a person into all kinds of unbiblical directions. The husband would end up relying too heavily on the wife to tell him about his sins, forgetting the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The wife would be given entirely too much power over the husband as an equally sinful human being, ferreting out his sin but apparently not being held accountable for her own. The husband would also be expected to be the one to become more Christlike, supposedly showing the wife the love of God, while the wife again gets off the hook, already being the more "spiritually sensitive" without the reciprocal help of her husband.
I would highly recommend a more comprehensive study of what the Bible actually says about the things that Nair writes about. I would also suggest reading other more biblically thorough works on the subject of marriage and relationships between men and women. While Nair seems to lean more towards a quasi-Complementarian view on marriage, he also has his own categories for things that don't exactly line up with any of the biblical standpoints on marriage roles. The most balanced and comprehensive study on the topic that I've read thus far is "Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus On Christian Leadership" by Sarah Sumner, P.H. D. Despite the title, the book is not only about leadership. It covers all of the tricky passages in the Bible that involve relationships between men and women, husbands and wives. The most helpful part is that Sumner walks the reader through each of her theological points, and shows exactly what the Bible is saying (including the original languages) and where it says it. Even if you end up disagreeing with Sumner, at least you will have had an actual biblically-grounded theological discussion, rather than swallowing Nair's psycho-sociological, pseudo-biblical assessment of marriage.
That being said, I would like to say that if Ken Nair had simply written a book with some helpful analysis and practical psychological/sociological advice on how to better one's marriage or if he had written a memoir delineating his own relationship experiences and how the Lord taught him individually (and continues to teach him...hopefully) it would have been easier to suspend a bit more judgment. An increasingly popular American evangelical fad is to turn one's own experiences into a formula that everyone should follow. Now I'm not a big fan of individualism as a whole, but I do believe that everyone is different and everyone's relationships are different. There may be some general formulas that could be useful across the board, but I don't think that it's wise to take all formulas on as law just because some Christian author said it worked for them. Pragmatism has greatly affected our minds and we need to realize that just because something "works" doesn't mean that it's biblical or God's will.
I do agree with Nair when it comes to some of his analysis on how many men view women and their wives in dominating ways. The denigration of women needs to be crucified with Christ just as much as every other cultural sin. I also see his point that to take that heart issue to the cross is hard work, and that the "old man" will fight that process every step of the way. However, it was apparent within the first ten pages or so that Nair's own negative attitudes towards women have not been fully taken care of. While Nair seems to have come along some in his repentance of how he's viewed and treated his own wife, the way he handles the Scripture in this book entirely negates what he professes to be trying to teach other men.
Nair's most damaging teaching, when lining it up with what the Bible actually says, presents to the reader as what in literature is called a "foil" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foil_(li...). Although similar, it's not quite a straw man because what he uses to draw in the reader is actually common experience instead of a fabricated diversion. He pulls on the emotions, whether guilt of a man or pain of a woman, by conveying the unfortunately all-too common experience of the controlling and emotionally abusive husband and the victimized wife. Then when he's got the reader hooked, he displays his own version of the Creation narrative, complete with new roles for the husband and wife. Yet Nair's exegesis of various Scripture passages is sparse at best. In many instances he doesn't provide verses to back up his supposed biblically based ideas or if he does bring one up, he takes it completely out of context. He also relies heavily on speculation, filling in the blanks of Scripture where there are no actual answers in the text, especially when it comes to the story of Creation. And this is where I want to focus, because it is the foundation of the rest of what Nair writes.
The most vivid example of this is shown on pages 37- 39. In his section "Prejudice Reinforced by Biblical Interpretation," Nair makes the most astounding claims about why God created Eve, and the roles that men and women are supposed to assume.On page 37, Nair says about Genesis 2:
"My reading of the passage tells me that at that very moment, while God was relating with
Adam, He said, 'It is not good that man should be alone.' But wait a minute! Of all the
possibilities in which I might feel alone, the time while God was relating with me certainly
would not be one! But God, being able to see into the future, knew that after the Fall, He
and Adam would be separated. Adam would then indeed be alone, separated from God. In
anticipation of that event, God invented a helper, one who could serve to accomplish God's
purpose of reestablishing spiritual sensitivity."
So according to Nair, Eve's main purpose had to do with Fallen man. She was created to help re-establish Adam's "spiritual sensitivity" (i.e., Man's intimacy with God) after sin entered the world. This continues to make it all about the man and severely diminishes Eve's (and therefore woman's) own relationship with God. There doesn't seem to be a priority of intimacy with God for the woman in Nair's assessment. He also reveals his cultural ignorance in claiming that it is the man that is not spiritually sensitive post-Fall. A simple study of non-Western cultures can show the reader that men in other countries can in fact be just as "spiritually sensitive" as women. Even men in the West can have spiritual sensitivities if they have been allowed to hold on to that part of themselves despite the surrounding society's pressure to deny it along with many other things.
Nair also ignores the truth that Eve was created to correspond to Adam before the Fall, that God created Eve when He decided it was not good for Adam to be alone in the Garden and that the animals were not suitable helpers (Genesis 2:18-20). Nowhere in the text does it say that God created Eve as a forethought to what would happen after sin entered Creation. Further, if we agree with Nair, we should probably ignore the obvious emotion in Adam's response to seeing Eve for the first time and that they had an intimate relationship before the Fall (Genesis 2:18-25). It also seems that Nair forgets about the New Testament, specifically what Paul writes to the Galatians, rejoicing that in Christ, all are "sons" (the Greek is masculine but covers both male and female) of God through faith and that there is no longer Jew or Greek, slave or free, male and female (Galatians 3:23-29). This among countless other passages affirms the equality of all human beings, and that the Lord desires intimate relationships with both sexes.
Nair goes on to say:
"Because our separation from God was so extensive, we weren't left with a clue about what
godliness is. Even as Christians, we still need help. Were it not for salvation through Jesus
Christ and the entrance of the Holy Spirit, now indwelling the Christian's spirit, we would
not have any motivation in our spirit to care about God's ways. And being new-baby
Christians--still living within the frame of our human beings, and still being spiritually
ignorant--we continue to operate on the basis of our human instincts. And therein lies the
need for help. God provided a man with a tangible, visible means of discerning whether or not
he is on track about becoming more and more like Christ and sensitive in his spirit to the
Spirit of God.
Basically, God is saying, 'After the Fall, I know you won't have a clue about what godliness
is, so I'm providing you with a helper. This helper will provide you with a means of
measuring whether or not you are becoming more and more like what I want you to be,
spiritually alive and functional. Christ is your example and the way. Then as you become
more Christlike, you will also be furnishing your wife with the leadership that provides an
example worth following. Together you can reestablish the spirit-to-spirit relationship with
God that was lost.'
Instead of seeing women in that positive light, many Christian men consider women as not much
more than some sort of God-given sidekick, like in the old radio programs Tonto was to the
Lone Ranger. Dare I go so far as to add that some men believe God gave women such a wide
range of potential so that they could be more useful for men? Their qualities help them to
more effectively serve the purpose of making us look good in our social circles, as business
executives, as elders in the church. If they perform as we think God made them to perform,
there is probably no end to how useful they could be. But God forbid that we should consider
them equals--partners with God, whose God-given purpose is to help us discover the difference
between the standard male attitudes in our hearts and Christlike attitudes."
This passage, along with Nair's list of things that he pleaded with God for on page 5 (specifically numbers 2 and 3), and his advice to a man on page 29 about the husband being the "representative of Christ" to his wife, fabricates new roles for both a man as a husband and a woman as a wife. Nair's foil is plainly displayed in that he conveys how men see women for their usefulness to them and their goals, then proceeds to use woman for his own end which is supposedly becoming more like Christ. Besides the fact that he does not mention the reality that both men AND women are equally sinful, and equally held accountable to God, Nair seems to think that it's the woman's job, rather than the Holy Spirit's, to keep the man accountable. It is not the woman/wife who is supposed to teach the man/husband about what his sin is, and how he can repent of it. That is purely the work of the Holy Spirit (John 16:7-15). Also, nowhere in the Bible does it say that the husband is a representative of Christ to the wife. This idea suggests that the husband is somehow a middleman between the wife and God, when that is solely Christ's position (John 14:1-7).
If one were to take Nair's claims as a springboard, it would lead a person into all kinds of unbiblical directions. The husband would end up relying too heavily on the wife to tell him about his sins, forgetting the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The wife would be given entirely too much power over the husband as an equally sinful human being, ferreting out his sin but apparently not being held accountable for her own. The husband would also be expected to be the one to become more Christlike, supposedly showing the wife the love of God, while the wife again gets off the hook, already being the more "spiritually sensitive" without the reciprocal help of her husband.
I would highly recommend a more comprehensive study of what the Bible actually says about the things that Nair writes about. I would also suggest reading other more biblically thorough works on the subject of marriage and relationships between men and women. While Nair seems to lean more towards a quasi-Complementarian view on marriage, he also has his own categories for things that don't exactly line up with any of the biblical standpoints on marriage roles. The most balanced and comprehensive study on the topic that I've read thus far is "Men and Women in the Church: Building Consensus On Christian Leadership" by Sarah Sumner, P.H. D. Despite the title, the book is not only about leadership. It covers all of the tricky passages in the Bible that involve relationships between men and women, husbands and wives. The most helpful part is that Sumner walks the reader through each of her theological points, and shows exactly what the Bible is saying (including the original languages) and where it says it. Even if you end up disagreeing with Sumner, at least you will have had an actual biblically-grounded theological discussion, rather than swallowing Nair's psycho-sociological, pseudo-biblical assessment of marriage.
August 31, 2008
This one is humbling for both husband and wife. Put your pride down before you read it or it will hurt a bit. But it is EXCELLENT if you are ready for it.
November 19, 2009
The name of the book should have been "Quit being Lazy and Become the Spiritual Leader God intended You to Be."
The book completely enlightened me as to how I was influencing my family's spirit. I have tried to implement some of the ideas talked about and it has already changed the relationship between my wife and I for the better in just a few weeks. I would highly recommend this read to Christian men no matter what state their relationships are in. A good read for wives too.
The book completely enlightened me as to how I was influencing my family's spirit. I have tried to implement some of the ideas talked about and it has already changed the relationship between my wife and I for the better in just a few weeks. I would highly recommend this read to Christian men no matter what state their relationships are in. A good read for wives too.
September 12, 2024
Good insights on the emotions of our wives and what they long for in marriage.
September 5, 2020
Great book. Helped me immensely.
August 26, 2015
Nair has a big heart and a very flawed theology. I'll keep this short.
The Good:
1. He calls men to be Christlike, sacrificial and unselfish leaders in their home, and sensitive to their wives hearts.
2. His book is like a 2x4 to the face of many very dense husbands.
3. He tells husbands to listen to what their wives have to say about what it's like to be married to them, and to believe that what their wives say is really the truth, however hard it is to hear. Spot on!
The Bad:
1. His treatment of Scripture, especially of Genesis 1-2 is at important times horribly and dangerously flawed. The problems at times seem clearly intentional, as when he says (regarding eating the fruit) that "Eve was not to blame. Adam was." (quote from memory) Conveniently, after discussing how God approached Adam and how Adam adopted the "male defensive stance" by blaming everyone around (Eve, God), he says nothing at all about how the woman also received judgment from God or how she also blamed another (the serpent). God clearly makes Eve culpable for her own actions and delineates consequences for them. His explanation of what it means for the wife to be a "helper" is both bizarre and illogical (Illogical in that he first discredits certain wrong ideas by saying that they weren't issues when God created her--dishes, children, etc.--and then proceeds to ground his own explanation in God's ability to see into the future.).
2. As a result of his abuse of Scripture, the roles he assigns to wives and the instructions he gives them are (for lack of a better word) wicked (he advises women to not hold back any of the venom in their spirit again their dense or ungodly husbands, not to attempt a gracious spirit toward them, but to lash out in the fullness of their anger--that this is actually what God designed them to do).
3. Finally, he disbelieves the promises of God to minister to the hearts of his children. He does so with regard to wives, to whom he claims (in his videos if not so clearly in his book) God will not relieve their tortured souls, but by necessity of his design for them will leave them tortured so that through lashing out at their husbands he may be made more spiritual and only then (and through that means) will she receive relief to her soul.
It's an interesting, but grossly unbiblical worldview that hangs on his personal experience and strong distortions of Scripture.
I cannot recommend this book.
The Good:
1. He calls men to be Christlike, sacrificial and unselfish leaders in their home, and sensitive to their wives hearts.
2. His book is like a 2x4 to the face of many very dense husbands.
3. He tells husbands to listen to what their wives have to say about what it's like to be married to them, and to believe that what their wives say is really the truth, however hard it is to hear. Spot on!
The Bad:
1. His treatment of Scripture, especially of Genesis 1-2 is at important times horribly and dangerously flawed. The problems at times seem clearly intentional, as when he says (regarding eating the fruit) that "Eve was not to blame. Adam was." (quote from memory) Conveniently, after discussing how God approached Adam and how Adam adopted the "male defensive stance" by blaming everyone around (Eve, God), he says nothing at all about how the woman also received judgment from God or how she also blamed another (the serpent). God clearly makes Eve culpable for her own actions and delineates consequences for them. His explanation of what it means for the wife to be a "helper" is both bizarre and illogical (Illogical in that he first discredits certain wrong ideas by saying that they weren't issues when God created her--dishes, children, etc.--and then proceeds to ground his own explanation in God's ability to see into the future.).
2. As a result of his abuse of Scripture, the roles he assigns to wives and the instructions he gives them are (for lack of a better word) wicked (he advises women to not hold back any of the venom in their spirit again their dense or ungodly husbands, not to attempt a gracious spirit toward them, but to lash out in the fullness of their anger--that this is actually what God designed them to do).
3. Finally, he disbelieves the promises of God to minister to the hearts of his children. He does so with regard to wives, to whom he claims (in his videos if not so clearly in his book) God will not relieve their tortured souls, but by necessity of his design for them will leave them tortured so that through lashing out at their husbands he may be made more spiritual and only then (and through that means) will she receive relief to her soul.
It's an interesting, but grossly unbiblical worldview that hangs on his personal experience and strong distortions of Scripture.
I cannot recommend this book.
October 26, 2019
I used to work for Sara Lee stocking bread in grocery stores. While there, one of the other vendors who I was friends with gave me this book for me to read when he heard I was getting married. It sat on my bookshelf because I did not need it. After all, I knew all the pre-marital counseling stuff: we talked about finances and settled that we needed to make group decisions, that all major decisions we had to discuss, that we both wanted kids and how to discipline them... Plus I knew all the counseling stuff about resolving conflicts, I knew about the honeymoon phase, I knew about the way we would think foundationally different. But this book made me realize thing that the infinite genius who is myself did not realize. I thought I knew everything, but this book showed me how I was wrong in ways I didn't even realize I was wrong. I thought my wife was so dumb and obviously I was so superior to her, but wow. This book is not an introductory book. Get pre-marital counseling, learn the basics of marital counseling, and then definitely read this book. The first couple of chapters will just piss you off, but if you just stick with it and BE READY TO LEARN AND CHANGE, then you'll be glad you did. Your wife is worth the effort. So much of my unchristlike behavior to my wife was hidden behind misused verses while I ignored those that supported my beliefs. I pride myself on my good theology and great exegesis, and yet... wow. I realize ways that I hurt my wife without even realizing it just because of my own naivete. Even my relationship with my mom and other women, I have noticed now, is less than Christlike.
April 17, 2020
One of the most revelatory and profound books I have ever read. Recommended by a mentor and one of the godliest human beings I have ever had the privilege of knowing, he caught my attention when he said the words, “I had to read it (Discovering the Mind of a Woman) 6 times before I really ‘got it.’” 6. Times. I can count the books I’ve read more than once on two hands. But 6 times?! I now understand why. It lays the onus of responsibility squarely at the feet of husbands and it is a lot to take in. In fact, it stops just shy of actual crucifixion (only slight exaggeration!), but is nothing other than what is taught in the Bible. I will definitely have to read through it again. That will be the easy part. Putting it into practice... GUYS, the only book you will need to read on how to be a great husband. No exaggeration. The only one. (In addition to the Bible of course.) Seriously. Ladies, this should be a stocking stuffer/gift for all the guys you know. One of the most profoundly challenging, purely biblical books I have ever read, I can say that I believe that it contains the true will of God for all husbands and marriages. Cannot recommend this book more highly for anyone who is or plans to be a husband one day. Wow. What a book.
June 1, 2019
This book is like having that wise old grandpa you never had, armed with both Scriptural references and practical tips, all so that he can lecture you on the importance of being Christ-like towards your wife.
Some great takeaways:
- The flesh is always eager to blame-shift. Be a Christ-like leader by accepting responsibility instead of blaming your wife.
- Women tend to actively visualize what happens in the future for those they care about, which is why your wife might ask a lot of questions asking you to describe your day and what you plan to do! She's not trying to be nosy. Answer your wife's questions, as King Solomon did for the Queen of Sheba.
- Minister to people not to bring accolade to self, but to bring accolade to Jesus (Col 3:23)
One thing that may rub some the wrong way is the "infomercial success story" feel of many of the testimonies of those who have benefited from Nair's counseling, in that it sometimes feels a bit self-aggrandizing for the author to constantly toot his own horn.
Some great takeaways:
- The flesh is always eager to blame-shift. Be a Christ-like leader by accepting responsibility instead of blaming your wife.
- Women tend to actively visualize what happens in the future for those they care about, which is why your wife might ask a lot of questions asking you to describe your day and what you plan to do! She's not trying to be nosy. Answer your wife's questions, as King Solomon did for the Queen of Sheba.
- Minister to people not to bring accolade to self, but to bring accolade to Jesus (Col 3:23)
One thing that may rub some the wrong way is the "infomercial success story" feel of many of the testimonies of those who have benefited from Nair's counseling, in that it sometimes feels a bit self-aggrandizing for the author to constantly toot his own horn.
August 6, 2018
I cannot say enough good things about this book! Ladies, this is THE book you want your husband to read! Men if you want "happy wife, happy life" to be your marriage description, read this book and apply it's principles.
February 11, 2020
I'm a man who has been married for almost 6 years. I've read several books on marriage, personality, self-awareness, relating, etc. If you consider yourself generally considerate of how you relate with others, parts of this book will be too rudimentary to be very much help.
I raised my initial impression to 3 stars because despite the abundance of obvious advice, there were a few chapters that delicately put words to some new thoughts for me. Like Ch. 6 in it's foundational assertion that men (as God's representative) are held liable for the health of their marriage. And that our marriage "helps (the man) measure whether or not he is becoming more Christlike".
Written in the 90s, it is clear that the culture of that era was more "traditional" with gender roles. Some of his descriptions of those roles lack tact. I cringed at the frequent portrayals of utter male buffoonery like, "(men) believe that (his wife's) role is to make life beneficial for him". I found myself face-palming and eye-rolling multiple times throughout this book at the cartoonish obliviousness of Nair's example husbands. I'm not trying to say that I have it all together, I'm just saying that tension in my marriage is usually more nuanced than that.
All said, I think it's worth the read. There are definitely some insightful bits, but it was a little too simplistic for my current needs.
I raised my initial impression to 3 stars because despite the abundance of obvious advice, there were a few chapters that delicately put words to some new thoughts for me. Like Ch. 6 in it's foundational assertion that men (as God's representative) are held liable for the health of their marriage. And that our marriage "helps (the man) measure whether or not he is becoming more Christlike".
Written in the 90s, it is clear that the culture of that era was more "traditional" with gender roles. Some of his descriptions of those roles lack tact. I cringed at the frequent portrayals of utter male buffoonery like, "(men) believe that (his wife's) role is to make life beneficial for him". I found myself face-palming and eye-rolling multiple times throughout this book at the cartoonish obliviousness of Nair's example husbands. I'm not trying to say that I have it all together, I'm just saying that tension in my marriage is usually more nuanced than that.
All said, I think it's worth the read. There are definitely some insightful bits, but it was a little too simplistic for my current needs.
May 30, 2024
I read this some time ago when I was struggling with a problem and wanted this book to help me understand what the error was: I made a mistake, and instead of properly apologizing like a man, I kept explaining my situation and asking her if our situation could be remedied. This was totally inappropriate of me, and completely selfish. I apologized, addressed her feelings, saw the issue from her point of view, and took responsibility. As if by magic, the problem completely resolved to me, but she did not respond. I know I did the right thing. It’s up to us to right our wrongs, and it’s up to others to forgive or not. But this was an important lesson for me: She’s just not the woman for me. Anyone who treats you, after erring, like you’re a leper not worth forgiving, and anyone who does not respond to your apologies, is someone God is helping you eliminating from your life for your wellbeing. Good riddance, and freshen up: What’s ahead is better. Thank God for the blessings of Christ.
September 19, 2020
Ken Nair puts into words what every woman wishes she could tell her husband. He explains things better than I ever could.
This book has helped save my marriage.
I recommend it to every Christian couple. It’s a call to maturity in Christ. It’s not for the faint of heart, or for people that want a quick fix and an easy way out.
I wonder what excuse God going to accept for not putting in the work and becoming Christ-like?
This book has helped save my marriage.
I recommend it to every Christian couple. It’s a call to maturity in Christ. It’s not for the faint of heart, or for people that want a quick fix and an easy way out.
I wonder what excuse God going to accept for not putting in the work and becoming Christ-like?
May 2, 2025
Self-help book for Christian husbands. Focus is on becoming more Christlike.
This must be pretty good. I found myself arguing with it, i.e. scribbling my objections in the margins.
Sets the bar high for men.
This must be pretty good. I found myself arguing with it, i.e. scribbling my objections in the margins.
Sets the bar high for men.
February 21, 2022
Most provocative study/testimony. One of key counsels that helped change my relationship with my wife. All glory to God.
November 16, 2024
This audiobook really helped me to understand how to be a better husband and to be Christ like. If you are looking to improve being a husband, this book will help!
December 24, 2013
This is what I needed to read for years! I have been married for 8 1/2 years and wish I would have found this book prior to getting married or even engaged. This has shown me what a Christian husband should look like. Men if your marriage is in trouble I highly recommend getting this book and pouring your energy into learning how to be a more Christlike. You will benefit from it and subsequently your wife and family. God bless you!
May 14, 2009
I would suggest that every man read this book.
March 6, 2016
a must read for all men, in my opinion. as a woman reading this book intended for men I learned a lot about myself and why I do the things I do. very good stuff.
May 4, 2015
Must read book for men who claim to have or want to have "Christ-led" marriages.
May 22, 2022
oh yeah!!!!! life changing read....all men everywhere start with this. It all truth!!!
August 31, 2013
One of the top books on understanding women!
September 8, 2015
Read this if you a dude and you married.
March 28, 2018
Fantastic book!! Even if you don't think there are situations in you marriage that could use some Christlike intervention- read this book!! When I started reading the book, I thought to myself, "let the shaming begin" but... if being a better husband to your wife is shaming; let the shaming begin, and I welcomed it.
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