Self-Sabotage: And Other Ways I’ve Spent My Time

by Jeffery Self

In the vein of works by Gary Janetti and Danny Pellegrino, an honest, funny, and heartfelt memoir-in-essays about chasing your dreams, making big messes, and finding yourself along the way.

In in his debut book for adults, Jeffery Self invites listeners into his world, taking them through the usual foibles of gay adolescence, amplified in the vast wasteland of the American South and the odd characters who peopled it, from shoddy community theater productions to underage drinking with Broadway stars, from downtown comedy rooms to adventure-filled bedrooms. Along the way, he shares his experiences of acting in TV and film, touring live comedy around the world, getting booed off gay cruise ships, a tenure in the “oldest profession,” meeting his heroes, falling in love, getting his heart broken, breaking other people’s hearts, being hated, hating himself, and on the best of days, finding stuff to like about himself, too.

Self-Sabotage is a deeply personal and intimate exploration of Self’s life, filled with humor, heartache, and a hearty dose of bipolar disorder. It asks the profound question of how you become the person you want to be when so much of yourself is a secret—and how you learn to accept yourself when it’s not. It is also, of course, side-splittingly funny.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Humor, Audiobook, Essays, Queer

Audible Audio

First published March 11, 2025

About the author

Jeffery Self is a writer and performer based in Los Angeles. He recently co--wrote and starred in "You're Killing Me", a feature film distributed by Wolfe Releasing. He was the co-creator and star of "Jeffery and Cole Casserole" on Logo (with Cole Escola). He has appeared in various television shows such as 90210, Difficult People, Hot In Cleveland, Shameless, and 30 Rock. He has produced/written on "Billy On The Street", "Gay Of Thrones", and "Rupaul's Gay For Play". He is the author of three books: "Straight People: A Spotter's Guide", "Fifty Shades Of Gay", and "Drag Teen". He hosts a weekly podcast called "This Is Really Important" on iTunes.

Reviews

[Ben Evans-Duran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gosh, sometimes I love gay guys so much

[Lucia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel less alone

[Annika Reno · Rating 5 out of 5]

I simply adored this book. Jeffery Self is a talent—as reflective as he is destructive. Maybe this says more about me than I should care to share, but I noticed myself feeling impressed by or in awe of his sheer self-confidence in the face of pretty intense disappointment. I guess that’s what it takes to write and publish such an honest book.

Last thing I’ll say: Jeffrey Self reads to me like a gay male millennial Mary Karr and no, not because they’re both southern belles with generational trauma and serious mental illness. I’m talking about their deft writing style. I love both because of the ease with which they tackle themes of pain and suffering with more than a little levity. Absolutely profound!

[Richard · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a book club pick. I had no idea who Jeffrey Self was, although in one of those odd synchronicities of life, I watched the movie Drop the day I started reading this book and he's in it.

I can't say that I exactly fell in love with him or his writing, but my God the pop culture references! So many and so delicious!

[Renata · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ooof, very funny of course but also really painful in its honesty at times. I know that's a cliche to say but what can you do.

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really funny, really smart, and really well-written. I’ll read almost any book of memoir-ish essays, and most are fine, many are good. These made me laugh out loud, cry, and think about the ways he turned phrases. And many of the stories will really stick with me, like all of his Broadway and sex work stories – just perfection. What a complicated, self-aware, and beautifully vulnerable person.

[Wells Woolcott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel like Mr. Self and Louis Virtel are my gay godfathers/who I’m destined to become (If I’m lucky). Perhaps I should try the fan mail thing

[Blake Lagneaux · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some alternate titles for this memoir: “I Was a Teenage Asshole, But Let Me Explain” or “Bro, Just Take Your Meds.” Actually, this felt less like a memoir, and more like a writing assignment from Jeffery Self’s therapist or sponsor. He’s clearly still working some shit out, and that’s fine. Of course, I take into account his very real struggles with mental health, and genuinely hope he’s found some level of stability and happiness. And there are definitely moments of humor throughout his story. I think what kept stinging throughout his stories was his ability to repeatedly blowup his life and relationships, but somehow always still fail upward. He spends a lot of time telling us how broke he was, but the narrative still drips with privilege. I just don’t think you’re so easily allowed so many do-overs if you’re not a cis, white, gay guy (Note: Yes, that also describes me). I think his aim here was to be specific and charmingly self-deprecating, but landed on bitchy and kinda basic.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️ (rounded up) This is the exact type of non-fiction I adore. Through these humorous yet deeply poignant essays Jeffery Self shares some beautiful truths about mental health and self-discovery. The pop-culture references resonated with me growing up in the same time as AOL chat rooms and AIM (and later morphing to DMs). My favorite part was by far the theatre references, from tie ins to some of the absolute greats of Broadway to delving deep into that downward spiral of rejection shame. My inner kid (who clearly thought she was destined for Broadway) felt very seen and validated by Self’s experiences.

𝐻𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓁𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉𝓈:
✨Non-Fiction
✨Personal Essay Format
✨Mental Health Rep
✨Self-Discovery
✨Soooooo many theatre references

Thank you to the author and HarperOne for the reader copy. My opinions are my own.

[Katie Smith-Siegel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A+ audiobook!

[Ed · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read this one as part of Allstora's (Very Gay) Book Club. I was hoping for a quick, easy, and fun read given that it had been a hell-ish stretch ... so bad that I didn't even pick up a book for about 6 weeks, which is definitely my longest reading "break" of my adult life. Given that, it may explain that I still wasn't in a great head-space and ultimately didn't have a great reaction/experience with this one despite it being a quick, easy, and at times... fun read.

I likely wouldn't have picked up this book if it wasn't automatically sent to me. Self is a writer/performer, but I am guessing for most ... including me... not someone you have ever heard of, tho guessing I may be too old as I am guessing he has a cult following in the gay community. I've run in to this before with memoirs of folks who aren't household names in that I really don't care about reading about their sex life. Now if it was the same stories written by say Ricky Martin , that would have ... ahem!... piqued my interest much more, so to speak. Likewise, when you don't "know" the person you are reading about in order for the book to work you have to enjoy spending time with them or latch onto something personality-wise, and that just wasn't the case
here. It just kind of all got old quick for me.

So yes, a pretty bitchy take ... but again, Self had a very steep hill to climb in order to break through my real-world woes. I am sure many others would enjoy Self's tales and humor. Unofficially 2.5 stars for me, but a goodwill round-up to a Goodreads 3 stars for being the first book I finished in pretty long time.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious. Literally laughed out loud multiple times. Not sure why this seems so relatable, I literally have nothing in common with this man, but it was. Heartwarming, disgusting, hilarious and relatable.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious

[Annie Deutsch · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brutally honest and vulnerable, with enjoyable gay Broadway humor along the way.

[Kirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

In Self-Sabotage, Jeffery Self talks about some of his past favorite things including running away and taking to bed. Speaking of the latter, the kids call it bed rot these days. I’m a fan of both. I also ran away from (redacted) but back to the review. Jeffery Self is a funny guy and wordsmith. There’s not a chapter called Yes And but it is mentioned. I cackled with Jeffery along with every nudge nudge wink wink. I spent a lot of time on YouTube (re)searching surviving videos of Jeffery & Cole Casserole, VGL Boys and Sweatin’ to Sondheim. I found myself being gay past cultured. Read if you’re a fan of the theatre, self-doubt, hilarious bons mots and slutty shenanigans. ARC provided by HarperOne via NetGalley. I received an advance reading copy for free and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Thomas · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have been a fan of Jeffrey's since his early years of YouTube with Cole Escola. While Jeffrey does not believe he is as talented as Cole, and reminds us of this often, I as the viewer never felt that when watching their comedy.

However, as funny as I have always found Jeffrey, he starts out the book trying to be funny rather than just being his normal witty self. A lot of those wink, wink, nudge, nudge jokes start in the first chapter. But after that, he falls into a good pace of heartwarming, funny, sometimes sad, and often relatable stories that makes us as the reader root for him even when he is not understanding his own value.

Lastly, Jeffrey completely glosses over his meeting and courtship with his husband. He mentions it casually (the wedding, a move to NYC), but not much else. We would have loved to hear how it all began, how being with someone who shares a similar career translates in a marriage rather than it did when he was friends with someone he was creating with.

Still a fan, but one left wanting more.

[Kushal · Rating 2 out of 5]

there were pockets of this book that were charming or fun. i couldnt get with the name dropping. also this story wouldve been much better told in a linear format, and wouldve led to better character development.

[MaupassantGuy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Have I ever told you about the lad I went out with a few times? This lad had a problem he hadn’t told me about, but which I, naive as I was, didn’t pick up on until later. It was a problem that was, shall we say, rather pointed. Veiny, even. If you’ve already figured it out, congratulations, you’re much, much smarter than me. Imagine my surprise when that lad has now turned into a "growth influencer". I suppose scars are all the vogue now.

Did that make you laugh? If the answer is yes, I’m delighted to tell you that you’ll absolutely love this book. No? You’re one of my kind. Here, Jeffery Self presents a sort of confessional memoir, strung together with the charm of that drunken friend who, at dinner parties, starts telling anecdotes that are moderately interesting at first, but then hijacks the conversation with the names of friends and obscure 80s musicals

There is certainly some talent in certain anecdotes and/or scenes. But there are several things that make this book make me feel just as stupid as when I discovered my lover’s little secret. First, let’s get one thing straight: having a more or less developed sense of comic timing for writing sketch scripts does NOT make you capable of writing an entire book.

Secondly, for heaven’s sake, DO NOT let your cultural tastes define who you are. I find it just as annoying to believe that reading Joan Didion makes you some kind of dark, sophisticated person as I do what Mr Self gets up to. No, Hello, Dolly! isn’t a reference you can make four hundred jokes about. And if you liked Wicked when you were ten, that doesn’t make you special for repeating it when you’re forty. Oh, and no, characters from musicals are NOT valid role models to imitate in real life

Thirdly, my dear, if you’re going to write your memoirs, at least put them in order so they make sense. If you jump back and forth, they just become a jumble of random memories. I must admit, though, that it takes courage to put in writing that you were the villain, that you were the bad guy. Emotionally chaotic, selfish and envious in friendships, treacherous towards family... a real gem, let’s say. I think here we’re confusing emotional confession with emotional pornography. You lay yourself bare as easily as three pairs of knickers are sold for a coin at a flea market. Which brings us to the next point:
Third. 1: Being so out of touch with reality that, having enjoyed a certain degree of success online with a ridiculous programme, hosted by someone more talented than the author himself (which, I must say, is to his credit, given that he acknowledges that fact), with more famous friends and 500% name-dropping, which has saved his skin more than once, he believes that this is a stroke of luck that has turned him into a guru (see the opening of this review). He hasn't had many setbacks in life, and it shows.

In the end, amid tales of gay cruises, cruising and drugs, it’s a sort of parody of "Memoirs of a Celebrity", where he lays bare his story, but without the celebrity, without any real interest, and with anecdotes that elicit something akin to laughter, yet fall short of it. You hate the character, you hate the book which, page after page, goes out of its way to highlight its own superficiality, and when he wants to focus on something interesting, almost vulnerable, like meeting his husband, he either wraps it up in three lines or turns it into an absurd anecdote like "I was seeing someone else and I cheated on him with the man who is now my husband, and we gave each other head in the loo" (a real anecdote taken from the book). There is some development, something akin to self-awareness when he admits it was naive to think that his comedy show, which was a hit in New York’s indie scene, would work on a gay cruise where everyone is disconnected from reality.

To stick with the dinner metaphor, use this book like water between courses – to cleanse your palate whilst you wait for something better, something more like literature and less like a series of loosely connected sketches. I know now that I don’t want Self on my bookshelf. To my gals and gays, if you want transformative memoirs, you’re better off reading: Et La Lumière Fut . And if you want something more entertaining but still profound: Just Kids

[Dillon · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

I picked this up at just the right time. Self-Sabotage is biting, hilarious, and uncomfortably honest in all the best ways. Jeffrey Self has this sharp, self-aware voice that makes you feel seen and roasted at the same time. It’s like he’s holding up a mirror, but he’s doing it with glitter and sarcasm and a cocktail of tough love and real talk.

This book doesn’t try to be a self-help manual; it’s more like that brutally honest friend who calls you out, then hugs you while you cry-laugh. For me, it hit especially hard as someone who's been working to show up more honestly in my own life. The way Self breaks down how we get in our own way; especially in love, ambition, and self-worth felt painfully real and strangely empowering.

Also, it’s funny. Like, actually funny. If you’ve ever spiraled through your own drama while pretending you’re above it all, this book gets you.

Highly recommend for anyone craving clarity, catharsis, and a few well-earned laughs at their own expense.

[Ja · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and self deprecating, Jeffery Self is all about himself. He reflects on a life filled with personal misadventures and perhaps choices that weren't exactly the best in hindsight, but told through a lens filled with current self-love, reflection, and hope for his future.

There were some chapters and some specific shitty incidents (IYKYK) that made me just laugh out loud. It takes a certain amount of courage to be able to share some of these events with the whole world...or at least whoever might decide to pick up the book and actually read it. As a likewise millennial, I reveled in many of the references from AOL chatrooms to the coming-of-age moments in the early 2000s that speak true to a very specific era. There are a lot of people out there that will feel seen and validated by Self's musings, as he puts to page the very things that makes the rest of our hearts sing with joy.

Short, sweet, and ever so funny, this is a treasure of a read.

[Fraser · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I've had my fill of "gay guy essays" this year, but this one is by far the best. I've loved Jeffery's work since my sister and I discovered him and Bryan Safi's "What Do You Think ___ Is Doing Right Now" videos on YouTube. I followed him on all social media platforms and witnessed the documenting of his mental health struggles, of which he goes over in this book, and it really opened my eyes to the kind of person he is, or sees himself to be.

I will say that this book made me really sad! Self is so incredibly critical of both his ups and downs throughout his life and career. He's always the villain in all his stories, never giving excuses but sometimes comes across as a little too self-loathing. It's tough! I appreciate how raw and honest he is about his mistakes, but I hope he can also appreciate how funny and talented his is too.

[Herbie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny and honest.

I loved this passage about marriage (p219)

Just like those same mirrors that crack and shatter with each tiny hurt that a couples becomes to each other. The same mirrors made out of pieces you constantly figure out new ways to put back together, a constantly shifting puzzle called togetherness. No matter how many dents and cracks a mirror gets, it still finds new ways to reflect not just you but the light and the darkness as well - all the things that bring you joy and make you laugh, but also the things that you're most afraid of. Maybe it's the unknown or your own untrustworthy brain or your self-annihilating tendencies, or maybe it's just Virginia Woolf.

But you're afraid and you're hopeful and you're growing up.
Together.
And I guess that's it? That's why. That's marriage.

[Anthony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Listened to the audiobook, and I wonder (as I always seem to) if I would have enjoyed this more just reading it. Self’s delivery was at times entertaining but mostly just too performative for me to enjoy. He’s funny often, sure, but digging way too hard for the laughs for my taste. If he would have stripped back the one-liners and all the name dropping of famous people and places, I would have enjoyed this more. I definitely enjoyed some of his childhood and adolescent stories the most because there was a bit less of that going on. But maybe it just wouldn’t have felt true to him without all the pop culture references and self-deprecating comedy, in which case he might not be for me - at least in this context (I would 100% go see if he ever did stand up). The chapter about his experience with sex work (I think ‘Looking for Generous’) was my favorite.

[Jason Conrad · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actual rating = 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Some great anecdotes here, many of which were very engaging and at times, often hysterical. The "Ugh, Gays" chapter had me laughing on so many occasions.

The author has a great sense of humor, and I'm glad I listened to the audiobook (read by him), because it made the book so much fun. He's so clearly an actor, and as a previous theater kid myself, I loved all the commentary about his experiences with that.

My critiques are that: 1.) Some of the essays and stories started to lag on the back half of the book, and seemed to have been written with less purpose. / 2.) Some of these stories were so clearly embellished.

I do wish there had been more discussion about the author's experience with mental health and bipolar disorder. It was touched upon, but I think it deserved more exploration.

[Tavia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jeffery Self’s novel talks about his experiences as a gay man with a lot of mental health issues but he always spins things in a funny way. Whether ignoring a bleeding gogo dancer, attending an underwear party on Fire Island, or hiding in a bathroom instead of working/socializing/attending class, he always manages to elicit a laugh. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot about him spiraling into depression or manic behavior but it was all interesting.

I have no clue who this guy is, but the book was funny. Jeffery Self is an actor, director and writer. He has been in some crazy situations and experienced a lot for someone born in 1987. I laughed out loud a few times.

Thanks to HarperOne and NetGalley for an ARC of this book.

[Reader Bason · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel ashamed to say that I didn’t know much about the author going in blind. It was a book for a book club. But I happily went into it, and then realized that some people’s stories must be the elder gay millennial experience, because I resonated with so many of the experiences he had gone through. And after he said that Cole Escola was his bestie, I was like, oh well he’s good in my book then. And he was good in this book! Now that I have somewhat of a feeling for who he is, I’m now going to look for him everywhere to appreciate more of his creative genius.

[Todd · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm trying to remember why I reserved this. I don't know who Jeffrey Self is, even after reading the bio. I suspect it's a prior book club book, but I don't know. It's a very entertaining read. I never quite know how to take some of the memoirs, especially of people I don't know. Is it real? Is it an internet troll? It seems genuine, so I have to take it as read. Very well written and entertaining. He doesn't seem to pull any punches in Self reflection (get it?). Quite funny in parts, dark in others. All in all a good read.

[Bradley the social worker · Rating 4 out of 5]

I literally just finished this book. What started out (in my mind) as a pretty generic actor / gay guy memoir turned into a deeply introspective and vulnerable meditation on the self (no pun intended). I found myself feeling a lot of things as I read the book, felt myself revisiting my own memories, facing my own shit. For me, these are the signs of a quality memoir, the ability to stimulate processing and emotional response in the reader. I didn’t just learn facts about Jeffery Self, I felt things and looked inward. I’m grateful for Self’s vulnerability.

[Alli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC - I could not put this book down!!!

Even not knowing all the references and not being a gay man, Jeffrey Self manages to see something in all of us and face the moments we shy away from even as he proclaims he is running and hiding. Love his writing style, his tone, his narrative - I could listen to this man talk about anything. I will be recommending this to everyone I know, and checking out his other works!!

A tour de force!

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny but also dark. I literally had no idea who Jeffery was before reading this. I was just desperate for an audiobook while I was on a walk, and in scrolling, I saw my library had this one available. I loved how many times Jeffery referenced The Rosie O'Donnell Show. I'm glad I stumbled upon this.