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Nook
First published August 12, 2014



I hadn't made it to the second step before the gestapo marched in, and by gestapo, I mean the bottle-blond, surgically implanted, Alpha Phis. They were high on the list as who Hitler'd come back as.

I didn't know whose brilliant idea it had been to shimmy out of her panties and stuff them into Knox Jagger's back pocket with her phone number scribbled on them, but whoever it was might be singlehandedly responsible for dragging the entire female gender back into the days pre-suffrage.


I didn't know her name, so after writing down Levi G, I added "girl with flowery dress and red shoes." I could've used the tags, "giant melons spilling from said flowery dress" or "suggestive lower-lip biter," but she didn't need one more person in the room objectifying her. Surly reporter included.
Charlie: "Someone kind of stepped in and saved the day. Or night."
Neve: "Who was this woman who is still in possession of morals and all-around human decency?

"To put it simply, college girls are like a bipolar person on crack. One minute they want to be taken care of, the next they want to be independent. In the morning, they love themselves. By nighttime, they hate themselves. Everyone's their friend or no one's their friend. They know what they want; they don't have a fucking clue. They know what they want to do tomorrow but can't seem to get past yesterday."
"But the only epiphany college girls are waiting for is the one that comes from a tube of lipstick--like just the right shade will solve all of their problems."

"So what made you leave the dark side for the light?"
"The utter and total devastation of my whole world."


Charlie: "Sigma Nu chapter is officially suspended, and their house will become the Feminist House next year."
Knox: "Where guys will have to worry about being raped with the business end of a baseball bat."
