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En olekaan yksin : totuus perfektionismista ja riittämättömyyden tunteesta
Täydellisyyteen pyrkiminen on uuvuttavaa ja armotonta. Käytämme liikaa kallisarvoista aikaa ja energiaa muokatessamme itsestämme versioita, joita esittelemme maailmalle.
Miksi näin on? Mikä ruokkii tarvettamme näyttää toisten silmissä siltä, että meillä on aina tilanne hallussa? Ensisilmäyksellä voisi luulla, että se johtuu siitä, että ihailemme täydellisyyttä. Tämä ei kuitenkaan pidä paikkaansa. Itse asiassa tunnemme suurinta vetoa ihmisiin, joita pidämme aitoina ja maanläheisinä ja jotka hyväksyvät oman epätäydellisyytensä ja säteilevät itsehyväksyntää.
Sosiaaliset odotukset vihjaavat, että epätäydellisyys on riittämättömyyttä. Ympäristömme on pullollaan viestejä siitä, millaisia meidän pitäisi olla ja miten meidän pitäisi toimia. Opimme piilottamaan vastoinkäymisemme ja suojelemaan itseämme häpeältä, arvostelulta, tuomitsemiselta ja syyttämisestä piiloutumalla teeskentelyn ja täydellisyyden taakse.
Teos perustuu seitsemän vuoden tutkimukseen ja satoihin haastatteluihin. Brené Brown toimii sosiaalityön tutkimuksen professorina Houstonin yliopistossa. Hän on viimeisten kymmenen vuoden aikana tutkinut erityisesti haavoittuvaisuutta, rohkeutta, aitoutta, häpeää ja empatiaa. Hän on tunnettu luennoitsija ja palkittu opettaja.
Miksi näin on? Mikä ruokkii tarvettamme näyttää toisten silmissä siltä, että meillä on aina tilanne hallussa? Ensisilmäyksellä voisi luulla, että se johtuu siitä, että ihailemme täydellisyyttä. Tämä ei kuitenkaan pidä paikkaansa. Itse asiassa tunnemme suurinta vetoa ihmisiin, joita pidämme aitoina ja maanläheisinä ja jotka hyväksyvät oman epätäydellisyytensä ja säteilevät itsehyväksyntää.
Sosiaaliset odotukset vihjaavat, että epätäydellisyys on riittämättömyyttä. Ympäristömme on pullollaan viestejä siitä, millaisia meidän pitäisi olla ja miten meidän pitäisi toimia. Opimme piilottamaan vastoinkäymisemme ja suojelemaan itseämme häpeältä, arvostelulta, tuomitsemiselta ja syyttämisestä piiloutumalla teeskentelyn ja täydellisyyden taakse.
Teos perustuu seitsemän vuoden tutkimukseen ja satoihin haastatteluihin. Brené Brown toimii sosiaalityön tutkimuksen professorina Houstonin yliopistossa. Hän on viimeisten kymmenen vuoden aikana tutkinut erityisesti haavoittuvaisuutta, rohkeutta, aitoutta, häpeää ja empatiaa. Hän on tunnettu luennoitsija ja palkittu opettaja.
349 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2007
8140 people are currently reading
71394 people want to read
About the author
Brené Brown
111 books54.8k followersDr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds
the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She
also holds the position of visiting professor in management at The University of Texas at
Austin McCombs School of Business.
Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and
empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers and is the host of two
award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.
Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles
include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong,
Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the
bestselling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and
the Black Experience.
Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED
talks in the world, with over 60 million views. She spends most of her time working in
organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more courageous
cultures. In 2024, she was named as the executive director of The Center for Daring
Leadership at BetterUp.
She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and
Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.
the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She
also holds the position of visiting professor in management at The University of Texas at
Austin McCombs School of Business.
Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and
empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times bestsellers and is the host of two
award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.
Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles
include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong,
Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the
bestselling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and
the Black Experience.
Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED
talks in the world, with over 60 million views. She spends most of her time working in
organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more courageous
cultures. In 2024, she was named as the executive director of The Center for Daring
Leadership at BetterUp.
She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and
Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,958 reviews
September 14, 2012
This book, for me, was like how it is in college when you take your first class in psych and suddenly you see psychosis everywhere. I see shame and shaming everywhere now - in how people comment on the internet, talk about politics, treat kids, work together, tell stories about themselves... It really does pervade everything.
This book didn't make me feel less alone. It did make me realize, though, that to have true empathy with someone you need to realize you aren't there to fix or better them. You're there to listen, and hear what they are ashamed of, and help them with that. And recognize the same feelings (for whatever reasons you have) in yourself.
But all of this - courage, compassion, connection - it's very hard in our anti-vulnerable, I'm better than you, I did everything on my own culture. It doesn't mean the work isn't worth it, though.
I would only have liked to hear more on her research on men. I think we think of men as in such power and control, so we don't afford them the vulnerability and anxieties we do with women. I can only imagine the shame men feel when jobless, single, different in any way than the norm - and how much they are encouraged to keep that inside.
This book didn't make me feel less alone. It did make me realize, though, that to have true empathy with someone you need to realize you aren't there to fix or better them. You're there to listen, and hear what they are ashamed of, and help them with that. And recognize the same feelings (for whatever reasons you have) in yourself.
But all of this - courage, compassion, connection - it's very hard in our anti-vulnerable, I'm better than you, I did everything on my own culture. It doesn't mean the work isn't worth it, though.
I would only have liked to hear more on her research on men. I think we think of men as in such power and control, so we don't afford them the vulnerability and anxieties we do with women. I can only imagine the shame men feel when jobless, single, different in any way than the norm - and how much they are encouraged to keep that inside.
September 29, 2020
After two attempts to get through this one, I just cannot do it anymore.
I am still giving it 2 stars. And I'm going to explain that to you.
If you believe that 'shame' is based on how others see you and whether or not you live up to those expectations, this may, indeed, be your book. In fact, if you base your entire sense of self-worth on how well you are "keeping up with the Joneses", and the disconnect between that dream and your reality is your primary source of shame, pick this one up. You may find something valuable. Go with my blessings, find your bliss. The extra star is for you.
But here's why it doesn't work for me...
Ms. Brown's definitions of 'shame':
"Shame is about our fear of disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."
"Shame is how we see ourselves through other people's eyes."
On the surface, that may sound fine. But what she describes can, in my opinion, be more accurately labeled as 'Social Anxiety','Panic', or even 'Public Humiliation'. The situations she mentions are all based on negative social interactions (forgetting to bring cookies to school, for example, and then running into a teacher and lying about it), and the physical sensations she describes are hall-marks of an anxiety or panic attack. Although I believe both Social Anxiety and Panic can render us helpless and are serious issues, they are certainly not the same thing as shame.
Here's my definition of shame:
SHAME is the feeling you get when your expectations for yourself are unattainably high, and you feel like a failure because you know you will never reach them. In other words: it is not about fitting in with other people.. it is about accepting ourselves as the flawed but beautiful people we already are. Fundamentally, shame is what happens after the balloons have popped and everyone else has gone home.
Somewhat sadly, she DID offer up examples of actual shame from other women.. but seemed unable to make the distinction between short-lived 'I wore two different shoes to work today and everyone noticed!' embarrassment and the self-inflicted, on-going horrors of their experiences. You simply cannot compare her 'cookie' story, 'sickness' story, or even her 'I was a bad friend' story with the guilt, sadness, and TRUE shame of someone who has gone through a suicide, been the victim of sexual abuse, or has a spouse with a porn addiction... yet that is precisely what the author attempts to do. Her explanations on the verbiage were interesting, but in no way convinced me that her personal stories qualified as 'shame'.
Although I love the idea of shame as a shared human experience, I remain unconvinced that this particular 'expert' is the go-to person for this topic. I could find no middle ground between her definition and my own, and therefore her 'exercises' seemed largely misguided (what is a 'shame-trigger' if shame is something we foist upon ourselves?), and her own examples incredibly shallow. This book may work for some - shared experience or not, we are all still individuals. But for those of us crafting our whips of guilt, self-doubt, and worthlessness in private... I'm afraid this book does not scratch the surface.
A few last thoughts:
This author's focus on sociological perspectives does not work for me, personally, and I will take care to steer clear of anything written by 'sociologists' in the future. Her diatribe, early in this book, on being more empathetic and less judgmental seemed out of place, unnecessary, and insulting (was she shaming the shamers? Or shaming the people reading this book, already riddled with feelings of inadequacy, and already sensitive to the feelings of others? I have no idea). And from experience, sharing shame stories may be a great thing, but sometimes the sharer really needs a professional ear. No matter how well meaning we may be, we are not qualified to say or do the right things to encourage healing.
Edit 2020: I've noticed the title of this book has changed. At the time of this review, the book was titled "I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame," hence my focus on (and repetitive use of) the word 'shame' :)
I am still giving it 2 stars. And I'm going to explain that to you.
If you believe that 'shame' is based on how others see you and whether or not you live up to those expectations, this may, indeed, be your book. In fact, if you base your entire sense of self-worth on how well you are "keeping up with the Joneses", and the disconnect between that dream and your reality is your primary source of shame, pick this one up. You may find something valuable. Go with my blessings, find your bliss. The extra star is for you.
But here's why it doesn't work for me...
Ms. Brown's definitions of 'shame':
"Shame is about our fear of disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."
"Shame is how we see ourselves through other people's eyes."
On the surface, that may sound fine. But what she describes can, in my opinion, be more accurately labeled as 'Social Anxiety','Panic', or even 'Public Humiliation'. The situations she mentions are all based on negative social interactions (forgetting to bring cookies to school, for example, and then running into a teacher and lying about it), and the physical sensations she describes are hall-marks of an anxiety or panic attack. Although I believe both Social Anxiety and Panic can render us helpless and are serious issues, they are certainly not the same thing as shame.
Here's my definition of shame:
SHAME is the feeling you get when your expectations for yourself are unattainably high, and you feel like a failure because you know you will never reach them. In other words: it is not about fitting in with other people.. it is about accepting ourselves as the flawed but beautiful people we already are. Fundamentally, shame is what happens after the balloons have popped and everyone else has gone home.
Somewhat sadly, she DID offer up examples of actual shame from other women.. but seemed unable to make the distinction between short-lived 'I wore two different shoes to work today and everyone noticed!' embarrassment and the self-inflicted, on-going horrors of their experiences. You simply cannot compare her 'cookie' story, 'sickness' story, or even her 'I was a bad friend' story with the guilt, sadness, and TRUE shame of someone who has gone through a suicide, been the victim of sexual abuse, or has a spouse with a porn addiction... yet that is precisely what the author attempts to do. Her explanations on the verbiage were interesting, but in no way convinced me that her personal stories qualified as 'shame'.
Although I love the idea of shame as a shared human experience, I remain unconvinced that this particular 'expert' is the go-to person for this topic. I could find no middle ground between her definition and my own, and therefore her 'exercises' seemed largely misguided (what is a 'shame-trigger' if shame is something we foist upon ourselves?), and her own examples incredibly shallow. This book may work for some - shared experience or not, we are all still individuals. But for those of us crafting our whips of guilt, self-doubt, and worthlessness in private... I'm afraid this book does not scratch the surface.
A few last thoughts:
This author's focus on sociological perspectives does not work for me, personally, and I will take care to steer clear of anything written by 'sociologists' in the future. Her diatribe, early in this book, on being more empathetic and less judgmental seemed out of place, unnecessary, and insulting (was she shaming the shamers? Or shaming the people reading this book, already riddled with feelings of inadequacy, and already sensitive to the feelings of others? I have no idea). And from experience, sharing shame stories may be a great thing, but sometimes the sharer really needs a professional ear. No matter how well meaning we may be, we are not qualified to say or do the right things to encourage healing.
Edit 2020: I've noticed the title of this book has changed. At the time of this review, the book was titled "I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame," hence my focus on (and repetitive use of) the word 'shame' :)
January 19, 2022
Researcher Brené Brown gives readers another self help title on how to handle the difficult emotion called shame.
"This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building "shame resilience." We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences." pg xiv
It's not easy to handle shame. In fact, it's not that easy to read about it.
But Brown says the way through is sharing those uncomfortable feelings with others. One of the solutions to shame is empathy and another is self awareness.
Other attributes shared by those with high shame resilience are:
"The ability to recognize and understand their shame triggers. High levels of critical awareness about their shame web. The willingness to reach out to others. The ability to speak shame." pg 67
Part of her work in psychology has been to define what shame is. Brown writes everyone has different triggers based on unique childhood and adult experiences. Therefore, it is impossible to name universal shame triggers which can make it difficult to study shame.
Her studies have led her to believe the opposite of shame is self esteem, which was an interesting aspect I had never considered. Other aspects of shame include: feeling like you're not good enough or don't belong.
Brown has discovered another hurdle in her research- it can be difficult to speak about shame as words sometimes fail us when we experience visceral feelings.
"Sharing our shame with someone is painful, and just sitting with someone who is sharing his or her shame story with us can be equally painful." pg 147
On a more positive note, Brown writes everyone has experienced this at some point or another. She uses this universality of experience to issue a clarion call for change. To foster shame resilience, we should build networks of support and be kind to each other by showing our own vulnerability. We're all in this together.
And I couldn't agree more.
Recommended for anyone who has ever felt shame. That's everybody.
"This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building "shame resilience." We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences." pg xiv
It's not easy to handle shame. In fact, it's not that easy to read about it.
But Brown says the way through is sharing those uncomfortable feelings with others. One of the solutions to shame is empathy and another is self awareness.
Other attributes shared by those with high shame resilience are:
"The ability to recognize and understand their shame triggers. High levels of critical awareness about their shame web. The willingness to reach out to others. The ability to speak shame." pg 67
Part of her work in psychology has been to define what shame is. Brown writes everyone has different triggers based on unique childhood and adult experiences. Therefore, it is impossible to name universal shame triggers which can make it difficult to study shame.
Her studies have led her to believe the opposite of shame is self esteem, which was an interesting aspect I had never considered. Other aspects of shame include: feeling like you're not good enough or don't belong.
Brown has discovered another hurdle in her research- it can be difficult to speak about shame as words sometimes fail us when we experience visceral feelings.
"Sharing our shame with someone is painful, and just sitting with someone who is sharing his or her shame story with us can be equally painful." pg 147
On a more positive note, Brown writes everyone has experienced this at some point or another. She uses this universality of experience to issue a clarion call for change. To foster shame resilience, we should build networks of support and be kind to each other by showing our own vulnerability. We're all in this together.
And I couldn't agree more.
Recommended for anyone who has ever felt shame. That's everybody.
July 1, 2011
A blogger friend mentioned Brene Brown after I wrote a blog post about vulnerability. My friend said in her comment that I was courageous, yet I'd written the post about how scary it was to be vulnerable. I was puzzled as to how that made me courageous. Then I read I Thought It Was Just Me and I understood better. Brown explains courage as the strength to speak your heart - and this type of courage is one of the key ways to develop and maintain shame resilience.
As I read this book, I felt a bit like I did when I read In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development in college. Both times, I kept thinking, "It's not just me. I'm not crazy." This book made me realize I am not the only woman - not by a long shot - who struggles with shame. And it made me thankful that at least I'm aware of this struggle within me, so that I can begin to recognize my shame triggers and work towards resilience.
If you read many of my Goodreads reviews, you may have noticed that I lean heavily towards fiction. Yet this is the second non-fiction book that has really captured my heart, mind and imagination. Brene Brown writes in a manner that is informative, conversational, authoritative and incredibly helpful. It made me see some of my own strength and it made me long to be someone who doesn't shame others and who tries to create an environment where shame dies instead of flourishing.
If you have struggled with shame, if you have daughters you will be raising in this world that hope to shame them into being what the world wants them to be, if you just want to understand how to be a more loving, engaged, encouraging person, I highly recommend this book.
As I read this book, I felt a bit like I did when I read In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development in college. Both times, I kept thinking, "It's not just me. I'm not crazy." This book made me realize I am not the only woman - not by a long shot - who struggles with shame. And it made me thankful that at least I'm aware of this struggle within me, so that I can begin to recognize my shame triggers and work towards resilience.
If you read many of my Goodreads reviews, you may have noticed that I lean heavily towards fiction. Yet this is the second non-fiction book that has really captured my heart, mind and imagination. Brene Brown writes in a manner that is informative, conversational, authoritative and incredibly helpful. It made me see some of my own strength and it made me long to be someone who doesn't shame others and who tries to create an environment where shame dies instead of flourishing.
If you have struggled with shame, if you have daughters you will be raising in this world that hope to shame them into being what the world wants them to be, if you just want to understand how to be a more loving, engaged, encouraging person, I highly recommend this book.
March 19, 2020
#mystrangereading I Thought It Was Just Me by Brenè Brown ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
As I have stated in every review I have ever posted about one of her books, Brown is amazing. I could listen to her speak all day and will read anything she writes. I love listening to her audiobooks the most because it’s like an extensive TED talk. This is why I was so disappointed that this book wasn’t recorded by her. It just wasn’t the same. 😔
However, the content was still amazing. A little too research heavy with less of the storytelling aspect that I love—but the stories are present don’t you worry.
She is inspiring, inclusive and teaches us so much about empathy and empowerment. I will love her forever.
As I have stated in every review I have ever posted about one of her books, Brown is amazing. I could listen to her speak all day and will read anything she writes. I love listening to her audiobooks the most because it’s like an extensive TED talk. This is why I was so disappointed that this book wasn’t recorded by her. It just wasn’t the same. 😔
However, the content was still amazing. A little too research heavy with less of the storytelling aspect that I love—but the stories are present don’t you worry.
She is inspiring, inclusive and teaches us so much about empathy and empowerment. I will love her forever.
September 17, 2012
Dr. Brene Brown and her work on shame and, as an outgrowth of that research, wholehearted living have taken off, shooting into the limelight due to some TED talks, a PBS special, some thought-provoking books and a recent guest appearance on Katie Couric's new show to promote her newest book. So, after reading and enjoying The Gifts of Imperfection, I went back and read this volume.
Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while written about and for a female audience, hit home for me and that I think are representative of the importance of the work presented in this volume. Though the things that trigger shame are different for men and women, the feelings are the same. However, there is great relief in understanding the experience is universally experienced (hence, the title).
For example, this quote from a letter to Dr. Brown is one that I could have written myself: "...I learned to identify what I was feeling as shame.... I learned that I am very shame-based, that I had all of the 'symptoms' ... but never really related them to the concept of shame. It's kind of like having a lot of strange and disparate symptoms but not knowing what to attribute them to. If you don't know what the disease is, you can't treat it. When painful things happened, my face would flush, my stomach would tighten, and I would want to hide. But since the situations were all different, even though my reaction might be the same, I never could specifically identify the emotion I was feeling. So I never really could deal with it. ..." (p. 122)
This description struck a nerve: "There is nothing more frustrating, and sometimes frightening, than feeling pain and not being able to describe or explain it to someone. It doesn't matter if it's physical pain or emotional pain. When we can't find the right words to express our painful experiences to others, we often feel alone and scared. Some of us may even feel anger or rage and act out. Eventually, many of us shut down and either live silently with the pain or, in cases where we can't, accept someone else's definition of what we are feeling simply out of the desperate need to find some remedy." (p. 155)
As someone who wisely chose to reject some damaging expectations, I found a lot of truth echoed in this passage: "There are times when our feelings, thoughts and actions relate directly to our past or current struggles. But there are certainly times when they don't. The problem arises because, at some point, most of us begin to believe the expectations about who we're supposed to be, what we're supposed to look like, what we're supposed to do, how much we're supposed to be and how little we're supposed to be. We also develop a fear of rejecting those expectations. We constantly see evidence that if we do reject these expectations, we will experience very painful disconnections and rejection. So we internalize these expectations and they become an emotional prison. Shame stands guard." (p. 228)
And this section put a spotlight on some areas in which I need to work: "Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us--it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?" (p. 242)
I think it's important to note that even though this book is dense with information and was written about and for women, (1) it should be required reading for men because we all of us have at least one important woman in our lives and how we relate to her matters and (2) the paperback edition I read also featured some information on her follow-up research with men and boys that proves to be very illuminating.
This book gets to the core of the story behind some of our stories, offers a vocabulary for expressing important feelings and ideas, connects some important dots between seemingly unconnected conditions, and maps out a course of action across some difficult terrain that leads to healing and wholeness. I'm grateful to have found this resource.
Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while written about and for a female audience, hit home for me and that I think are representative of the importance of the work presented in this volume. Though the things that trigger shame are different for men and women, the feelings are the same. However, there is great relief in understanding the experience is universally experienced (hence, the title).
For example, this quote from a letter to Dr. Brown is one that I could have written myself: "...I learned to identify what I was feeling as shame.... I learned that I am very shame-based, that I had all of the 'symptoms' ... but never really related them to the concept of shame. It's kind of like having a lot of strange and disparate symptoms but not knowing what to attribute them to. If you don't know what the disease is, you can't treat it. When painful things happened, my face would flush, my stomach would tighten, and I would want to hide. But since the situations were all different, even though my reaction might be the same, I never could specifically identify the emotion I was feeling. So I never really could deal with it. ..." (p. 122)
This description struck a nerve: "There is nothing more frustrating, and sometimes frightening, than feeling pain and not being able to describe or explain it to someone. It doesn't matter if it's physical pain or emotional pain. When we can't find the right words to express our painful experiences to others, we often feel alone and scared. Some of us may even feel anger or rage and act out. Eventually, many of us shut down and either live silently with the pain or, in cases where we can't, accept someone else's definition of what we are feeling simply out of the desperate need to find some remedy." (p. 155)
As someone who wisely chose to reject some damaging expectations, I found a lot of truth echoed in this passage: "There are times when our feelings, thoughts and actions relate directly to our past or current struggles. But there are certainly times when they don't. The problem arises because, at some point, most of us begin to believe the expectations about who we're supposed to be, what we're supposed to look like, what we're supposed to do, how much we're supposed to be and how little we're supposed to be. We also develop a fear of rejecting those expectations. We constantly see evidence that if we do reject these expectations, we will experience very painful disconnections and rejection. So we internalize these expectations and they become an emotional prison. Shame stands guard." (p. 228)
And this section put a spotlight on some areas in which I need to work: "Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us--it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?" (p. 242)
I think it's important to note that even though this book is dense with information and was written about and for women, (1) it should be required reading for men because we all of us have at least one important woman in our lives and how we relate to her matters and (2) the paperback edition I read also featured some information on her follow-up research with men and boys that proves to be very illuminating.
This book gets to the core of the story behind some of our stories, offers a vocabulary for expressing important feelings and ideas, connects some important dots between seemingly unconnected conditions, and maps out a course of action across some difficult terrain that leads to healing and wholeness. I'm grateful to have found this resource.
September 10, 2024
I wanted to love this book because I love Brene Brown. Her podcast interviews with Tammie Simon and Krista Tippett as well as her TED talks have inspired me, changed me and touched me deeply. I find her to be an incredibly inspiring and courageous woman and I believe her research on Shame and vulnerability and full hearted living are changing and healing the world.
That said, I was disappointed by this book. I am wondering whether she is a better teacher and storyteller and presenter than writer. I found the book had a lot of good ideas but it did not hold together as a coherent whole all that well. The writing lacked a sharp focus, wandered too much, and did not hold my attention and heart like her talks did. I also can see that the book was published before her TED talks so maybe something shifted for her as she did those talks and perhaps her more recent writing is better.
Despite this, I so support her work in the world and her courage and choice t study the unknown and unexplored topic of shame.
That said, I was disappointed by this book. I am wondering whether she is a better teacher and storyteller and presenter than writer. I found the book had a lot of good ideas but it did not hold together as a coherent whole all that well. The writing lacked a sharp focus, wandered too much, and did not hold my attention and heart like her talks did. I also can see that the book was published before her TED talks so maybe something shifted for her as she did those talks and perhaps her more recent writing is better.
Despite this, I so support her work in the world and her courage and choice t study the unknown and unexplored topic of shame.
January 22, 2022
A must-read for us all. Can’t imagine there is anyone who can’t relate to it.
December 20, 2024
"الخزي هو إحساس مؤلم وحاد، المعاناة من الاعتقاد أننا معيبون، وبالتالي لا نستحق القبول أو الانتماء.
النساء عادة ما يختبرن الخزي حين يقعن في شبكة ذات طبقات من توقعات المجتمع المتعارضة، والتنافسية.
الخزي يخلق شعورا من الخوف، اللوم، الانفصال".
يتحدث الكتاب عن هذا الشعور الذي لا ينجو منه أحد بأسباب متعددة وخاصة النساء في مراحل حياتها المختلفة.
المظهر، الصورة الجسدية، الأمومة، الأسرة، التربية، المال والعمل، التقدم في العمر، الصحة العقلية والجسدية، الديانة، القولبة والوسم، الإفصاح عن الرأي والتعافي من الصدمة...
تميز الكاتبة بين الخزي وغيره من المشاعر مثل الشعور بالذنب.. فالخزي هو "انا سيئ" اما الشعور بالذنب فهو "فعلت شيئا سيئا".
تتحدث الكاتبة عن مرونة الخزي وكيف يمكننا استخدام استراتيجيات معينة لنكتسبها.
وتتألف هذه النظرية من اربع خطوات وهي:
إدراك الخزي وفهم مسبباته.
ممارسة الوعي الناقد.
التواصل مع شبكة الاتصال من أجل الحصول على المشورة والتوجيه، والتصديق والثناء.
التحدث عن الخزي وطلب المساعدة الضرورية.
كتاب جميل وحميم شاركت فيه الكاتبة بقصص وامثلة واقعية، بالرغم من إنها من الحياة الأمريكية إلا أننا نجدها قريبة جدا من واقعنا لدرجة إنني استغربت أن مشاعر الناس وردود أفعالهم متقاربة للغاية بعكس ما نظن عن أسلوب الحياة الغربي.. فالنساء هناك يعانين أيضا من التعليقات على البدانة، واسلوب تربية الأطفال وغيرها مثلنا تماما، بعد ما كنت اظن أن الإنسان الغربي يتمتع بالحرية وسعة الأفق!!!!
"اعتقد أن الفرق بين اللوم والمحاسبة كالفرق بين الشعور بالخزي والشعور بالذنب فاللوم كالشعور بالذنب اما المحاسبة تدفعها الرغبة في الإصلاح والتجديد فهي تجعل الشخص مسئولا عن أفعاله، وعن العواقب التي تترتب عليها".
النساء عادة ما يختبرن الخزي حين يقعن في شبكة ذات طبقات من توقعات المجتمع المتعارضة، والتنافسية.
الخزي يخلق شعورا من الخوف، اللوم، الانفصال".
يتحدث الكتاب عن هذا الشعور الذي لا ينجو منه أحد بأسباب متعددة وخاصة النساء في مراحل حياتها المختلفة.
المظهر، الصورة الجسدية، الأمومة، الأسرة، التربية، المال والعمل، التقدم في العمر، الصحة العقلية والجسدية، الديانة، القولبة والوسم، الإفصاح عن الرأي والتعافي من الصدمة...
تميز الكاتبة بين الخزي وغيره من المشاعر مثل الشعور بالذنب.. فالخزي هو "انا سيئ" اما الشعور بالذنب فهو "فعلت شيئا سيئا".
تتحدث الكاتبة عن مرونة الخزي وكيف يمكننا استخدام استراتيجيات معينة لنكتسبها.
وتتألف هذه النظرية من اربع خطوات وهي:
إدراك الخزي وفهم مسبباته.
ممارسة الوعي الناقد.
التواصل مع شبكة الاتصال من أجل الحصول على المشورة والتوجيه، والتصديق والثناء.
التحدث عن الخزي وطلب المساعدة الضرورية.
كتاب جميل وحميم شاركت فيه الكاتبة بقصص وامثلة واقعية، بالرغم من إنها من الحياة الأمريكية إلا أننا نجدها قريبة جدا من واقعنا لدرجة إنني استغربت أن مشاعر الناس وردود أفعالهم متقاربة للغاية بعكس ما نظن عن أسلوب الحياة الغربي.. فالنساء هناك يعانين أيضا من التعليقات على البدانة، واسلوب تربية الأطفال وغيرها مثلنا تماما، بعد ما كنت اظن أن الإنسان الغربي يتمتع بالحرية وسعة الأفق!!!!
"اعتقد أن الفرق بين اللوم والمحاسبة كالفرق بين الشعور بالخزي والشعور بالذنب فاللوم كالشعور بالذنب اما المحاسبة تدفعها الرغبة في الإصلاح والتجديد فهي تجعل الشخص مسئولا عن أفعاله، وعن العواقب التي تترتب عليها".
September 20, 2015
Mixed feelings on this one. Really, really mixed feelings. Probably the biggest feeling is this: Brene Brown seems to have a very white, middle class idea of what shame is. I would expect more from a social worker who has given TED talks. There was a lot about body image (admittedly, a big one for many), keeping up with the joneses, having immaculate children and so on. When Brene used herself as an example and said she was ashamed she didn't bake cookies for her kids' teacher, I thought, wow. This woman lives a charmed life. She offered up many core reasons for shame, but none were about poverty, or growing up in a home without a flushing toilet, or ramshackle houses, or illiteracy. I was thinking, there are so many people who will feel shut out of such a middle class description of shame, myself included. She talked about having a "shame network." Brene, there are a lot of lonely people out there who are going to feel even worse about themselves after reading your book.
There were a few really brilliant insights, but overall, I was blown away by how sheltered this woman was, considering her area of research. I feel quite angry, actually.
There were a few really brilliant insights, but overall, I was blown away by how sheltered this woman was, considering her area of research. I feel quite angry, actually.
May 5, 2013
If I could, I would buy a copy of this for everyone I know...not just women, but men too.
In this book Brene Brown explains about shame, how common and how destructive it is, and more importantly how to develop our "shame resilience".
The suggestions in this book are powerful, doable, and potentially life changing--no--life improving!
In this book Brene Brown explains about shame, how common and how destructive it is, and more importantly how to develop our "shame resilience".
The suggestions in this book are powerful, doable, and potentially life changing--no--life improving!
July 10, 2013
Brené Brown was just getting rolling with this, her first book. I give you permission to skip it if you promise to read Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.
December 23, 2012
I guess I'm in the minority here when I say I found this book to be rather the opposite of helpful. I found the tone to be one of assumption from the author, even though I know she had back up research. I don't personally think or feel the things the women in the book seem to and I found it almost degrading to be labeled as having serious shame issues simply because I am a woman. I similarly found it nearly degrading to have my identity broken down into such small bits. The author seems to speak to her audience about helps for issues then fly in the face of her own suggestions. A good example of this is how she recognizes all of the pressures placed on women then, at the end (spoiler alert), places the responsibility for instilling shame resilience squarely on the shoulders of women. Another good example is the constant evocation of gender role shackles while also consistently using gender as a definition or excuse. It really drove me mad. I do not like this book. I don't even usually review books on this site but I felt the need. I only gave it two stars because of the useful information regarding other emotions and emotional vocabulary.
July 7, 2017
After hearing her Tedx talk, I wanted to explore her work further. I think of my upbringing in an extremely strict religious cult, and realize I've witnessed and experienced the damage of a shame-based culture firsthand. Although the book was originally geared towards women, so far it seems universal enough that it's worth a read by men as well.
March 18, 2020
This is the second book I have read by this author, and found it just as insightful as the first book I read. I'm not a fan of the title (although that might just be my own 'shame' seeping through), this is an important book for people to read concerning the topic of shame and how it affects us and our relationships with the rest of the world. Well-written and heavily researched, Dr. Brown does an excellent job of laying out a convincing argument for her Shame Resilience Theory and how we can combat shame with empathy. Definitely recommend this book!
June 13, 2023
Shame cannot survive in silence and secret. That is the author's first point. And so we begin.
This is a book that will help people, especially women, face, and deconstruct, shame and vulnerability. She challenges readers to know that we cannot change and grow when we live in shame. Shame in isolation and silence keeps us from recognizing and appreciating how important we are. We need to get ourselves to the place that we can believe that we are: Enough.
If you are a follower of Brown, this is another book to add to your self-help tool chest.
If you are struggling with these issues, or know someone who is, this might be a good book to read.
This is a book that will help people, especially women, face, and deconstruct, shame and vulnerability. She challenges readers to know that we cannot change and grow when we live in shame. Shame in isolation and silence keeps us from recognizing and appreciating how important we are. We need to get ourselves to the place that we can believe that we are: Enough.
If you are a follower of Brown, this is another book to add to your self-help tool chest.
If you are struggling with these issues, or know someone who is, this might be a good book to read.
dnf
May 4, 2020From the blurb I did not expect so much of this would be about parenting. I felt like it was more about dealing with the feeling of being shamed by other people's comments, or what you think other people expect e.g. a woman forgetting to bring the cookies for her daughter's teacher appreciation day, then blaming her husband for it to avoid feeling like a bad mom. Or a woman having her credit card declined, then snapping at her kids in the car from the stress. The focus is definitely about external factors leading to shame, rather than about internally driven perfectionism. It did not address what to do when you don't meet your own expectations i.e. you're just not good enough at something yet to meet your own standards. However, because I skipped through a lot of it looking for stuff I could use maybe I missed the bits I actually needed. But I would not bother to go back again and look for it, because the mom examples are from such a different culture I could not relate to them.
December 21, 2022
Ca de obicei, Brene Brown isi face cititorii sa simtă ca aparțin unui grup, sa isi împlinească aceasta nevoie atat de importantă de conectare prin simplul fapt ca, prin poveștile si cercetările ei, ii face sa realizeze ca nu li se întâmpla doar lor. Si asa este, avem cu totii aceleași nevoi, doar ca le împlinim diferit, in funcție de resursele noastre. Ce bine ne-ar fi daca, in loc sa criticam/judecam sau etichetam, am încerca doar sa ascultam si sa arătam empatie, in primul rând fata de noi.
June 5, 2024
كتاب مهم جداً.. عن أكثر شعور ممكن نحسه لكن مستحيل أو نادراً ما نعبر عنه.. وهنا تكمن قدرته على إيذائنا .. حقيقي طريقة الكاتبة وكم القصص والاستشهادات مؤثرة .. وقريبة جدا من حياتنا ..
ولخصت تقريبا كلامها كله في اخر فصل "shame resilience theory" في ثلاث صفحات جامعة ..
قراءة باللغة الانجليزية الأصلية وكانت تجربة تستحق ..
ولخصت تقريبا كلامها كله في اخر فصل "shame resilience theory" في ثلاث صفحات جامعة ..
قراءة باللغة الانجليزية الأصلية وكانت تجربة تستحق ..
July 11, 2014
Reading Brene Brown is like having someone standing in my face, shaking me, and saying, "You see that crazy thing you're doing? Stop it!"
November 4, 2018
This is the third book I’ve read by Brené Brown and it might be my favorite. She has a down-to-earth way of writing that I just love.
In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), Brené looks at the difference between shame and guilt, explores the triggers to these feelings, and how to recognize and overcome these strong emotions. She dives deep to get to the root of what triggers fear and shame within us and why we feel certain situations more strongly than others. She also discusses empathy: how to be empathic and the things that stand in our way of having empathy.
I loved the layout and the progression of this book. It was well researched with many examples, cited sources, and suggested reading. The message and lessons in these pages are life altering. I highly recommend reading this book.
In her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), Brené looks at the difference between shame and guilt, explores the triggers to these feelings, and how to recognize and overcome these strong emotions. She dives deep to get to the root of what triggers fear and shame within us and why we feel certain situations more strongly than others. She also discusses empathy: how to be empathic and the things that stand in our way of having empathy.
I loved the layout and the progression of this book. It was well researched with many examples, cited sources, and suggested reading. The message and lessons in these pages are life altering. I highly recommend reading this book.
August 18, 2012
I am absolutely in love with Brene Brown's brain. This book does an excellent job of defining shame (and as different from guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, and low-self-esteem). She sources where and how shame occurs and how to escape the immobilizing impact it can have on spirit and heart. It is story-filled rather than explicitly informative which makes her work accessible to most anyone.
If you are a courageous person who appreciates the value of self-awareness and personal growth for individual and community, then this is a book for you.
If you are a courageous person who appreciates the value of self-awareness and personal growth for individual and community, then this is a book for you.
June 15, 2015
This is the second Brene Brown book that I have read this year. I liked it better than the first as it was more focused on her key area of research - shame, specifically shame in women. Women experience shame when they are entangled in a web of layered, conflicting and competing social-community expectations. She lists twelve areas where women commonly experience shame: appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, speaking out and surviving trauma. What makes us vulnerable to shame are the unwanted identities in these areas. Shame increases fear, blame, and disconnection. The opposite of experiencing shame is experiencing true empathy. Brene explains that the first step to growing beyond shame is to recognize our shame triggers. She says "When I first started writing on shame, I actually referred to this element of shame resilience as "Acknowledging our Vulnerabilities" rather than "Understanding Our Shame Triggers." I changed it for a couple of reasons. First, over the past two years, I received hundreds of letters and e-mails from people who are applying the strategies in this book to build shame resilience. In the vast majority of these letters, people write about the power of "discovering their shame triggers."....Second, I think people still struggle with the term vulnerability. We equate vulnerability with weakness, and, in our culture, there are very few things we abhor more than weakness. This paragraph was very helpful in terms of understanding her TED talk and previous book more fully.
I like this book for many reasons. First, it links ideas well. It openly discusses the damage that gossip, lack of empathy, one-upmanship, and sympathy seeking causes. It talks about how shame and addiction go hand-in-hand. There is a range of stories from people who have been abused as children to women who are ashamed of their "class" or being faced with an unempathic comment when a child is behaving poorly. A part that resonanted is the role that the media plays in supporting a culture of shame. Brown makes valid points about the media. Perhaps this is a topic for another book. I also liked the few pages in the back that talked about making our children shame resilient, and hope that she writes a book solely on that topic.
I like this book for many reasons. First, it links ideas well. It openly discusses the damage that gossip, lack of empathy, one-upmanship, and sympathy seeking causes. It talks about how shame and addiction go hand-in-hand. There is a range of stories from people who have been abused as children to women who are ashamed of their "class" or being faced with an unempathic comment when a child is behaving poorly. A part that resonanted is the role that the media plays in supporting a culture of shame. Brown makes valid points about the media. Perhaps this is a topic for another book. I also liked the few pages in the back that talked about making our children shame resilient, and hope that she writes a book solely on that topic.
June 13, 2017
I am so overwhelmed by this book. It has been life-changing for me. But I am afraid to share an honest review, because of how people who know me and read the review will judge me.
But that is the whole problem with shame.
Brown is a shame researcher, and her resilience theory includes the ability to 'name your shame', detach from it to understand it as a societal and widespread - not personal and individualized- issue , and then to form relationships with others, in which you can authentically discuss and support each other through shame struggles.
And I can see why I struggle with shame - it's hard to even share that synopsis, knowing that nobody wants to touch messy feelings of shame in any way.
Which leads me to despair when I think about where our society is today. Brown quotes Mavis Leno as follows - 'If you want to make a difference, the next time you see someone being cruel to another human being, take it personally. Take it personally because it IS personal.' I see so much fighting over the rights of people we've never met, which is important, but there is a reluctance to connect authentically to the people in front of us, because that it is too uncomfortable when we don't have a keyboard and thousands of miles to hide behind.
As Brown points out, we are made for connection. And personally, for me, when I've attempted to form that connection, only to be rejected because others don't want to get down in the mess, it only deepens my shame and makes me become even more disconnected and withdrawn.
This book has been life-changing for me, in that I now understand I'm not alone in struggling with shame. However, I think the conversation needs to be continued and expanded until it becomes okay to talk about it in public. Only then will we as a society be able to combat the problem.
But that is the whole problem with shame.
Brown is a shame researcher, and her resilience theory includes the ability to 'name your shame', detach from it to understand it as a societal and widespread - not personal and individualized- issue , and then to form relationships with others, in which you can authentically discuss and support each other through shame struggles.
And I can see why I struggle with shame - it's hard to even share that synopsis, knowing that nobody wants to touch messy feelings of shame in any way.
Which leads me to despair when I think about where our society is today. Brown quotes Mavis Leno as follows - 'If you want to make a difference, the next time you see someone being cruel to another human being, take it personally. Take it personally because it IS personal.' I see so much fighting over the rights of people we've never met, which is important, but there is a reluctance to connect authentically to the people in front of us, because that it is too uncomfortable when we don't have a keyboard and thousands of miles to hide behind.
As Brown points out, we are made for connection. And personally, for me, when I've attempted to form that connection, only to be rejected because others don't want to get down in the mess, it only deepens my shame and makes me become even more disconnected and withdrawn.
This book has been life-changing for me, in that I now understand I'm not alone in struggling with shame. However, I think the conversation needs to be continued and expanded until it becomes okay to talk about it in public. Only then will we as a society be able to combat the problem.
March 17, 2018
I have long enjoyed dipping into Brene Brown works, usually it is a section here or a page there as a library pick up or section detailed in an article or blog post. This is my first read of a complete work and I recommend the medium of an audio book for this.
I had a non-thinking task of sorting through multiple packets of photos from my dad's life to select a number to use in a book I am making to assist the staff in his care facility to know who he is, so it was a perfect audio-book day.
Shame. This is the subject.
Focused on women.
Focusing on ages and stages of life
Even focusing on the shame that we take on board/adopt/feel when we find ourselves in carer roles for ageing loved ones. I was surprised, and grateful to have this discussed.
I have several points and thoughts to ponder in regard to myself. Well worth the read.
Yes, I recommend it to anyone. Yes I recommend the audio-book version.
I had a non-thinking task of sorting through multiple packets of photos from my dad's life to select a number to use in a book I am making to assist the staff in his care facility to know who he is, so it was a perfect audio-book day.
Shame. This is the subject.
Focused on women.
Focusing on ages and stages of life
Even focusing on the shame that we take on board/adopt/feel when we find ourselves in carer roles for ageing loved ones. I was surprised, and grateful to have this discussed.
I have several points and thoughts to ponder in regard to myself. Well worth the read.
Yes, I recommend it to anyone. Yes I recommend the audio-book version.
June 19, 2023
If you're ashamed of feeling shame or ever wish to have a depth of compassion for others suffering, Brene’ Brown’s I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't) may be the read for you.
Mostly on Overdrive app audio loaned on Kindle found myself visually reading along and mostly listening before bed.
I've read and heard Ms Brown speak on this topic often. The core of what I've learned about shame comes when someone personalized they're bad for what has occurred verses this was an action of the individual or someone else that impacts the recipients interpretation.
I forget what other book or talk I’d first heard this. For me, someone who doesn't personalize what's happened. I think this made recognizing personal shame a little tougher if at all.
This said, I've never met anyone who didn't experience shame at one time or another. I've met some people who seem to play life safely to avoid shame, but find it anyway.
I've loved a friend who drowned in shame and ultimately lost them due to serious drug addiction.
Shame is like a personal self-harm assistant. If this resembles you or someone you know check this book out. Full of others on the struggle bus including Ms. Brown.
Everything from work to parenting and all types of hurts in between.
I'm glad I read this. I think it's helped my empathy meter, too.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💯
Mostly on Overdrive app audio loaned on Kindle found myself visually reading along and mostly listening before bed.
I've read and heard Ms Brown speak on this topic often. The core of what I've learned about shame comes when someone personalized they're bad for what has occurred verses this was an action of the individual or someone else that impacts the recipients interpretation.
I forget what other book or talk I’d first heard this. For me, someone who doesn't personalize what's happened. I think this made recognizing personal shame a little tougher if at all.
This said, I've never met anyone who didn't experience shame at one time or another. I've met some people who seem to play life safely to avoid shame, but find it anyway.
I've loved a friend who drowned in shame and ultimately lost them due to serious drug addiction.
Shame is like a personal self-harm assistant. If this resembles you or someone you know check this book out. Full of others on the struggle bus including Ms. Brown.
Everything from work to parenting and all types of hurts in between.
I'm glad I read this. I think it's helped my empathy meter, too.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💯
October 17, 2022
Read it, re-read it and read it again!
I didn't just learn a great deal about women and the particular struggles women go through, but I learned so much about communication and where I fall short, and how I can grow. The topic of shame is one so little discussed but in this brilliant book it is explored but an expert from every angle. I think this should be read in all schools everywhere by everyone!
I didn't just learn a great deal about women and the particular struggles women go through, but I learned so much about communication and where I fall short, and how I can grow. The topic of shame is one so little discussed but in this brilliant book it is explored but an expert from every angle. I think this should be read in all schools everywhere by everyone!
April 24, 2021
## Review from my first reading in 2019 ##
Valuable if you're an introverted judgemental agreeable neurotic who wants to eat the cake of feminist individualist shamelessness. If you are honest perceptive and accepting this book is useless to you. The gymnastics she does to void herself and her readers of accountability is astounding — anytime you feel icky, you shouldn't, because feeing icky is bad, so overcome the feeling rather than the behaviours and circumstances that caused the feeling. Feeling icky that your husband stopped biting his tongue for years and finally expressed his feelings on something you did that ashamed him, ignore his courage in finally expressing his shame, instead rally only for the cause of how you feel as a woman. Feeling icky that your sexual market value as a woman is based on cultural body image, that's merely senseless cultural bias and prejudice with no basis with reality, why, because mah feelz are against it, even if everyone's gut confirms. Feeling icky that you don't like sex and your husband uses porn instead, don't be honest about it with your husband, oh no, instead tell the entire world how you are wronged by culture and have no agency nor responsibility in the matter. Feeling icky about forgetting birthdays, no don't solve the problem once and for all by using a calendar like everyone else, instead each birthday focus obsessively on the narcissistic whirlwind of your own emotions in relation to everyone else. Feeling icky about lying about cookies, call up a friend who is empathetic and will confirm your bullshit about having a hard life and doing your best! Never address that your ickiness is from lying and deception, and that you wouldn't feel so batshit crazy all the time if you actually dealt with the world honestly and transparently and accept your downsides. No, any downside is a cultural lie, and you never have a reason to feel like shit, it's never your fault. She should stop interviewing her herd of confirmation bias that props her up, and start studying the outliers to her propaganda. But oh no, those who disagree with her are wrong, because the judgement of what is right or wrong to her is based solely on deceiving yourself out of ickiness. Here's the truth: the more agreeable and neurotic you are, the more shame you feel, as the more you care about your social standing, your shame fits you into the social hierarchy that you care about, if you didn't care about the social hierarchy you would be happy going against the grain and would feel embarrassment through humility when you fuck up instead of shame. If you are currently feeling shame, open up about it, chances are your shame is in response to another's shame, be humble in the expression, and be open to accepting your downsides/imperfections if you cannot fix them, also accept the consequences of deciding not to fix them. Hopefully you can move past the desire to accept your afflictions with feels and move to overcoming them with strategies. Oppression, suppression, and repression are all a subset of restriction, so identify which restriction you are facing instead of calling everything cultural oppression which voids you of the agency required to stop feeling shame in the first place. Otherwise follow Brene's advice and continue in only remedying shame with heedlnessness rather than actually solving it.
## Review from my second reading in 2021 ##
First off, the subtitle of the version I had was "Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power" which really should be "Telling My Opinion about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power".
This book is as enlightening and diligent as a social research paper that uses feminist theory to argue that the moon landing is a conspiracy portraying a phallic ejaculation on a feminine crater.
Too bad Brown, just like Oprah, have their punters set in stone, having no inclination nor incentive to ever challenge their own, their audience's, and their ideology's fragility, of which, naturally, comprises of otherising the media or society or culture or standards or any external ambiguity that will serve as the scapegoat, rather than themselves. If you want something that excuses away any complexity of life, to maintain a faux-dichotomy of good and evil, with yourself as good and whatever else as bad, then this is the book for you. If you want something that actually offers integration of the good and bad complexities of the world, then this nor any of Brown's work is for you.
It is true society deploys standards intended to repress you (although Brown would just acknowledge this on behalf women/mothers) however this is where Brown's ideological limits blockade her from going further. She blames the magazines she votes for with her dollars, rather than herself. She never gets to distinguishing between societal repression and societal oppression, never gets to asking why either exists besides they make me feel icky. Getting upset at the standards makes as much sense as getting upset at a tradition being offensive to your sensitivities without ever wondering why the tradition evolved (emerged and sustained against competitive pressures). The standards a society uses to maintain its culture, is how the culture protects itself from oppression, such as that by nature (infertility due to old age, lack of wealth due to poor life choices).
In contrast, the first dozen pages of Defoe's "Use and Abuse of Matrimony" go into the forgotten or neglected interplays here. Shame need not only be a judgement that must be ejected (where Brown ceases to go beyond), but guidance which you can elect to incorporate to avoid the predicaments of the tribulations throughout the book and throughout life as mortal creatures oppressed by the scarcity of nature including ourselves.
Highly agreeable neurotic humans, women especially, such as Brown and her targeted market (we we we, us us us, in our our our: just because you are not the only one, does not then imply that everyone else therefore is the same as you: americanisms and the agreeable bias), seem to be allergic to the idea that the jungian shadow emerges from the monster within. When they see the monster within, instead of accepting the monster as a healthy part of themselves and that they aren't perfect and that is okay (plot of The Babadook), they instead ostrich effect themselves (put their head in the sand / hand over ears) to blame others to maintain their conception of themselves as pure good corrupted by evil, instead of good and evil existing within themselves at all times. It is outstanding to me that once a civilisation moves to affluence, that is to say comfort as an entitlement instead of a privilege gained from protective defences, that the overtly sensitive's demons being no longer external then direct their sensitivity to now tackle those horrible demons in the mirror, but rather than accepting this component of themselves, they instead invent the coping mechanism instead that humans (Brown would just say women) are perfect beings corrupted by external forces, rather than being the emergent origins of these scary external forces, that the demons emerge from within them into society.
It's crazy to me; an entire book on shame which deflects and runs from it, instead of accepting and overcoming it: as if emotions are just virtual constructs that can be adapted at whim, instead of being socio-evolutionary adaptions themselves; this must feel good for a while, until something new comes along that prompts your unresolved dissonance to buy Brown's new book to learn what's the new externality to blame.
For integrating shame healthily as a concept, Defoe's "Use and Abuse of Matrimony" is great.
For integrating shame healthily as a practice:
https://www.quora.com/How-can-we-stop...
TLDR for this review: Brown as well as her readers would get further by not the futile attempt to exile shame, but by treating shame as a signpost for any internal or external standard which is facing a state of dissonance which pressure (not the shame itself) can be sustainably rectified (updating actions), shielded (updating obligations), or rescinded (updating ideals): shame isn't the problem, it's the regulator; it's our relationship to shame and imperfection that's the problem. We can have an adaptive or maladaptive relationship to shame, just as we can have with any other emotion, even joy.
Valuable if you're an introverted judgemental agreeable neurotic who wants to eat the cake of feminist individualist shamelessness. If you are honest perceptive and accepting this book is useless to you. The gymnastics she does to void herself and her readers of accountability is astounding — anytime you feel icky, you shouldn't, because feeing icky is bad, so overcome the feeling rather than the behaviours and circumstances that caused the feeling. Feeling icky that your husband stopped biting his tongue for years and finally expressed his feelings on something you did that ashamed him, ignore his courage in finally expressing his shame, instead rally only for the cause of how you feel as a woman. Feeling icky that your sexual market value as a woman is based on cultural body image, that's merely senseless cultural bias and prejudice with no basis with reality, why, because mah feelz are against it, even if everyone's gut confirms. Feeling icky that you don't like sex and your husband uses porn instead, don't be honest about it with your husband, oh no, instead tell the entire world how you are wronged by culture and have no agency nor responsibility in the matter. Feeling icky about forgetting birthdays, no don't solve the problem once and for all by using a calendar like everyone else, instead each birthday focus obsessively on the narcissistic whirlwind of your own emotions in relation to everyone else. Feeling icky about lying about cookies, call up a friend who is empathetic and will confirm your bullshit about having a hard life and doing your best! Never address that your ickiness is from lying and deception, and that you wouldn't feel so batshit crazy all the time if you actually dealt with the world honestly and transparently and accept your downsides. No, any downside is a cultural lie, and you never have a reason to feel like shit, it's never your fault. She should stop interviewing her herd of confirmation bias that props her up, and start studying the outliers to her propaganda. But oh no, those who disagree with her are wrong, because the judgement of what is right or wrong to her is based solely on deceiving yourself out of ickiness. Here's the truth: the more agreeable and neurotic you are, the more shame you feel, as the more you care about your social standing, your shame fits you into the social hierarchy that you care about, if you didn't care about the social hierarchy you would be happy going against the grain and would feel embarrassment through humility when you fuck up instead of shame. If you are currently feeling shame, open up about it, chances are your shame is in response to another's shame, be humble in the expression, and be open to accepting your downsides/imperfections if you cannot fix them, also accept the consequences of deciding not to fix them. Hopefully you can move past the desire to accept your afflictions with feels and move to overcoming them with strategies. Oppression, suppression, and repression are all a subset of restriction, so identify which restriction you are facing instead of calling everything cultural oppression which voids you of the agency required to stop feeling shame in the first place. Otherwise follow Brene's advice and continue in only remedying shame with heedlnessness rather than actually solving it.
## Review from my second reading in 2021 ##
First off, the subtitle of the version I had was "Telling the Truth about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power" which really should be "Telling My Opinion about Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power".
This book is as enlightening and diligent as a social research paper that uses feminist theory to argue that the moon landing is a conspiracy portraying a phallic ejaculation on a feminine crater.
Too bad Brown, just like Oprah, have their punters set in stone, having no inclination nor incentive to ever challenge their own, their audience's, and their ideology's fragility, of which, naturally, comprises of otherising the media or society or culture or standards or any external ambiguity that will serve as the scapegoat, rather than themselves. If you want something that excuses away any complexity of life, to maintain a faux-dichotomy of good and evil, with yourself as good and whatever else as bad, then this is the book for you. If you want something that actually offers integration of the good and bad complexities of the world, then this nor any of Brown's work is for you.
It is true society deploys standards intended to repress you (although Brown would just acknowledge this on behalf women/mothers) however this is where Brown's ideological limits blockade her from going further. She blames the magazines she votes for with her dollars, rather than herself. She never gets to distinguishing between societal repression and societal oppression, never gets to asking why either exists besides they make me feel icky. Getting upset at the standards makes as much sense as getting upset at a tradition being offensive to your sensitivities without ever wondering why the tradition evolved (emerged and sustained against competitive pressures). The standards a society uses to maintain its culture, is how the culture protects itself from oppression, such as that by nature (infertility due to old age, lack of wealth due to poor life choices).
In contrast, the first dozen pages of Defoe's "Use and Abuse of Matrimony" go into the forgotten or neglected interplays here. Shame need not only be a judgement that must be ejected (where Brown ceases to go beyond), but guidance which you can elect to incorporate to avoid the predicaments of the tribulations throughout the book and throughout life as mortal creatures oppressed by the scarcity of nature including ourselves.
Highly agreeable neurotic humans, women especially, such as Brown and her targeted market (we we we, us us us, in our our our: just because you are not the only one, does not then imply that everyone else therefore is the same as you: americanisms and the agreeable bias), seem to be allergic to the idea that the jungian shadow emerges from the monster within. When they see the monster within, instead of accepting the monster as a healthy part of themselves and that they aren't perfect and that is okay (plot of The Babadook), they instead ostrich effect themselves (put their head in the sand / hand over ears) to blame others to maintain their conception of themselves as pure good corrupted by evil, instead of good and evil existing within themselves at all times. It is outstanding to me that once a civilisation moves to affluence, that is to say comfort as an entitlement instead of a privilege gained from protective defences, that the overtly sensitive's demons being no longer external then direct their sensitivity to now tackle those horrible demons in the mirror, but rather than accepting this component of themselves, they instead invent the coping mechanism instead that humans (Brown would just say women) are perfect beings corrupted by external forces, rather than being the emergent origins of these scary external forces, that the demons emerge from within them into society.
It's crazy to me; an entire book on shame which deflects and runs from it, instead of accepting and overcoming it: as if emotions are just virtual constructs that can be adapted at whim, instead of being socio-evolutionary adaptions themselves; this must feel good for a while, until something new comes along that prompts your unresolved dissonance to buy Brown's new book to learn what's the new externality to blame.
For integrating shame healthily as a concept, Defoe's "Use and Abuse of Matrimony" is great.
For integrating shame healthily as a practice:
https://www.quora.com/How-can-we-stop...
TLDR for this review: Brown as well as her readers would get further by not the futile attempt to exile shame, but by treating shame as a signpost for any internal or external standard which is facing a state of dissonance which pressure (not the shame itself) can be sustainably rectified (updating actions), shielded (updating obligations), or rescinded (updating ideals): shame isn't the problem, it's the regulator; it's our relationship to shame and imperfection that's the problem. We can have an adaptive or maladaptive relationship to shame, just as we can have with any other emotion, even joy.
June 28, 2024
Whew. This book made me think, reflect, and go to places that I usually like to keep out of my mental limelight. "Culture of Shame." What a depressing truth. But truth sets us free, right? ...Right? ...Bueller? This book reminded me of the importance of language and knowing the precise words to name what we mean. What I think of as embarrassment and my number one hated feeling: feeling stupid... well, these are really other ways to describe shame. This book made me look at how I respond to shame, my triggers for shame, and how I shame others. 😬 If you're looking for a feel good, affirming book, this is not it. If you're looking for a book that makes you take a long, uncomfortable look at yourself and helps you understand more about yourself and how to be a healthier person, this could be that book. I'm glad I listened, but I think I need a shot of sunshine and rainbows now to take the edge off. It's empowering, but gut-wrenching at the same time. Like the other Brené Brown book I've listened to, I appreciate that her work is grounded in research. Her phenomenological approach is similar to what I'll be using for my dissertation research, so I'm in a great place to absorb all of that.
Some quotes I stopped to write down as I listened:
"Knowledge is power, and power is never diminished by sharing it. It is only increased."
“Without language, we cannot speak our stories.”
Some quotes I stopped to write down as I listened:
"Knowledge is power, and power is never diminished by sharing it. It is only increased."
“Without language, we cannot speak our stories.”
January 20, 2023
Consultas são caras, os livros são mais baratos. Brené Brown é a minha psicóloga , simplesmente ainda não sabe.
Aconselho o trabalho dela 200%
Aconselho o trabalho dela 200%
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