A more apt title would have been Similes for Little Criminals, it would have better prepared me for the onslaught of cutesy prose which, amazingly, did not bother me in the slightest even though sometimes I felt like I was being bashed over the head by cotton candy stuffed condoms. Like jelly filled gloves, slapping me gently but steadily across the face like the hand of a moody yet camp pimp. Guys, I am fucking THIRTY years old now. I can not get away with writing scathing, whiny reviews because I am no longer cute and young like a uncoordinated yearling. I am now officially old and anything negative I have to say will be deemed bitter. Like old coffee grounds. No longer will you consider me edgy, I will be classified as neurotic. Perhaps eccentric, god forbid, geriatric. My reviews will be passed over, oh there is that cranky old bitch, who cares what she has to say, she's thirty and jaded. She was fine last year when she was fresh faced and bushy-tailed, now she's just all wiry grey haired bush and her face isn't fresh, it's OLD. Like an abandoned boot. I've pledged to stop wasting my time hate-reviewing books and spending the rest of my short time on earth reading great ones. I don't have time to dilly dally anymore. Tick tock motherfock, I got 3,000 books on my to-read list.
This one, by this Heather O'Neill person was really long and there were several times where I got a bit worried I might see proper old age before I finished it. It just went on and on and on and I was about 75% of the way through (see, I know the percentages 'cos I'm one of those arse stains that use an ereader 'cos I'm blind as bat shit (okay, now that I've typed that I realised it's blind as a BAT (or bat-shit crazy). it's a nice amalgamation of both and I can see about as well as a bat turd so it's apt). Wait, where was I, I got lost in multiple sets of parentheses there. Oh right, the book. It was long and at one point towards the end I was like, I have been reading someone's well constructed brain-fart and haven't even questioned its unique and harrowing scent yet but then it picked up pace and finished itself off quickly and tidily like any good man should. i mean, book. Other reviewers will tell you things about Baby and Jules and use words like depressing and bleak and narrative and feelings. I want to just say this, I ate a whole packet of family sized salt and vinegar chips for dinner because that's just what you can do when you're an adult. You can make choices like that.
Sometimes people like Baby can revel in heroin usage and homelessness at age 13 but what the fuck ever, she don't know how the hard bitches roll.
It is totally 3.35am and I am sitting here hunched over my keyboard mashing at keys making things that look like words on this here screen because I can't sleep because my knees are aching and I have heartburn. Like a fucking old person. Seriously. I looked at my goodreads proflle before and was so taken aback seeing, "details Age 30 , Female , Australia" in my details that it's tainted my entire review. It doesn't hit you 'til it creeps up on you like that, written all matter-of-fact, balls-out, public profile THIRTY. I was going to write an entire review constructed solely of similes and look how fast it deteriorated. It fell apart like a newspaper sitting on wet grass in the humid rain of somewhere like Manila. Goodreads hasn't got "TOP FUCKIN' ONE PERCENT OF REVIEWERS" written there though has it. I'll take the liberty of informing you of that myself. They emailed me and told me this week, just like when your employer pulls you aside and tells you you're the best employee they've got, keep up the good work mate. Who even wants that quiet praise bullshit, sing it from the rooftops, give me a badge and a cocktail named after me. Put my name on a billboard, decorate a cake with a picture of my haggard old face on it. Way to make me sing my own praises and make me look like a douchebag, I've already made a tumblr post about it only to get ignored. Now I have to try and glean admiration this way as well. Fuck you goodreads, you still won't trick me into buying shit from amazon. QUIET PRAISES DO NOT WORK WITH ME.
So anyway, how about that hey, top 1% and I rarely mention plot line or, hell, the book at all when I'm reviewing. With 20 million users that means i'm one of the top 20,000 on here. Amongst all the YA reading gif-fucking-using, picture slutting jerks, here I am. GIF free and thirty. I typed that as thirsty, which is true. I need rehydrating after all that chip eating.
This book was pretty good, you should read it.