My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

by Chelsea Handler

The book is a raucous collection of true-life experiences of actress and comedian Chelsea Handler. She recalls her time spent in the social trenches with that wild, strange, irresistible and often satisfying beast; the one-night stand. From her short fling with a Vegas stripper to her even shorter dalliance with a well-endowed little person, from her uncomfortable tryst with a cruise ship performer to her misguided rebound with a man who likes to play leather dress-up, Chelsea recalls the highs and lows of her one-night stands with hilarious honesty, revealing precious bits of casual sex wisdom along the way. MY HORIZONTAL LIFE is one guilty pleasure you won’t be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Memoir, Comedy, Biography, Chick Lit, Audiobook

201 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 6, 2004

About the author

Chelsea Handler is a writer, comedian, producer, TV host, activist, and the author of six consecutive New York Times bestsellers. She hosted the late-night talk show Chelsea Lately on the E! network from 2007 to 2014 and released a documentary series, Chelsea Does, on Netflix in January 2016. In 2016 and 2017, Handler hosted the talk show Chelsea on Netflix. Her Netflix comedy special, Revolution, was released in 2022 and is now streaming. Her beloved advice podcast, Dear Chelsea, is in its fifth season and her fourth stand-up special will be released by Netflix in 2025.

Reviews

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't finish this book. I found it distasteful, facile and pandering. It made my skin crawl. Loathsome. I'm certainly a fan of sex in all its consensual forms, so that part didn't squick me a bit, other than it just wasn't written in a fashion that made me like any of the participants. The author blithely trotted out and proudly displayed nearly every flavor of prejudice in the first 80 pages. I'm bewildered by the apparent popularity of this collection.

[Heather · Rating 4 out of 5]

I about died reading this book. Seriously, I had to put the book down several times because I was crying so hard from laughing. I am not normally the type of reader who laughs out loud at what she is reading. However, I am thankful that I was home alone for most of this book. Having witnesses would have made me appear to be some kind of whack job.

I highly recommend this book unless the following things bother you, offend you, or any other type of negative feelings ensue: sex, body parts, swearing, offensive descriptions, etc.

If the above things bother you, do not read this book.

[Petra X · Rating 2 out of 5]

I watch Chelsea Handler's late night show on tv and the disconnect between her professional-young-woman look and foul-mouthed retelling of her sexual expoits is quite funny and I looked forward to more of the same in the book. However, the humour lies in her drunken exploits picking up a myriad of men and then her personal insults against them, whether it be their 'size', personal habits, looks, intelligence or housekeeping ability. There are several side characters, all of whom might have been interesting, but the information on them is restricted to how much money they have and their sexual habits or lack of them. Again, insults abound. The only character who is described in any kind of detail is her father - a racist, homophobic, certifiable eccentric of a secondhand car dealer, not a description that is in any way believable but still amusing to read.

The initial chapters read well, but it became steadily more tedious and I had to force myself to read the last few chapters just because I really hate not finishing books.

Humour is a very individual thing. What I like you may not and vice-versa so the two-star rating reflects only my opinion and not a rating of how good the book is or is not.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was embarrassed reading this book in public. I was getting a pedicure while reading parts of it and swore the pedicurist had xray vision, could see what I was reading, and subsequently thought I was a huge perv. This is supported by the crappy pedicure I recieved. Regardless, this book is hilarious. A perfect trashy beach read. I cannot fathom that parts of it were not embelished for hilarity's sake, but hilarious it was. Let this be your guilty, guilty pleasure.

[Meowy · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG! This woman kept me laughing, page by page. I didn't want to stop reading, but I had to get to work. Thank goodness for my rides to and from work in a bus, I get to read rather than pay attention to what's going on on the road. People must've thought I was retarded when they would see me suddenly burst out laughing out loud. I got lost in Chelsea's world. I can't wait to read her other book.

You gotta know her and what she's about before reading this or you might think she's too raunchy for humor. I love how straight faced she is with any joke she makes. She's not joking in a way to be funny. She's being serious. LOL!

[Sybil aka Lala · Rating 1 out of 5]

I expected the non-PC jokes.

I expected the brash humour.

I expected the mean comments.

I did NOT expect the boredom.

I was expecting a funny book with descriptions of one-night stands. What I got was running commentary on being drunk and stupid. None of which I had a problem with. This book was just fucking boring.

[Penny · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have never considered myself prudish before - but reading these recollections and seeing how little respect Handler had for the men she encountered really depressed me. I had hoped that the book would be Fun and Liberating - The story of a confident, single woman who took charge of her sexual experiences! What a Let-Down! There were a handful of funny one-liners - but after reading this book, I found that I really didn't like the author and that her exploits left a bad taste in my mouth !!!!

[Chloe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious, as always. Magnificently endowed midgets, an Adonis of a stripper known only as THUNDER, a cruise ship performer- her conquests stack up rather quickly and fortunately for the reader nearly always end in tears and/or vodka. Chelsea is always willing to skewer herself for the cause of a good joke and this book is full of them. Definitely not for the easily offended or delicately sensible.

[Linda Aull · Rating 3 out of 5]

As if I needed more help feeling like a nun.

Wow! Chelsea takes a no-holds barred look back at her sex-capades. There is something in this book to make everyone squirm. It fits into the same category as the movies "American Pie" or "Superbad" - and that category is: I must watch them alone so that I have absolutely no witnesses to which obscenities I find most hilarious. I want no record of what I laughed at.

This was fun to read (and quick) but I don't think it's for everyone. The virtuous girls might be shocked and the bad girls might be inspired to even more bad behavior.

I'm looking forward to reading her next book, and that's safe because I'm neither bad nor virtuous. Just a reluctant nun.

[Vanessa · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sorry yuck I probably would have liked this in my early 20's now it's just embarrassing. Some parts are entertaining but my gut feelings is that it's mostly fabricated or at least exaggerated or stretched for extra content. I'm still curious to read her other books but this one didn't do it for me. A big nope from me. On the plus side it was a perfect audiobook for easy entertainment something that didn't require a lot of concentration or brain cells.

[Becky Diak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny Funny Funny, and hopelessly wonderful. I couldn't put it down. It just kept driving me to read more of these hilariously awful experiences. How I don't know. And Honestly I'm not too sure I care. Proclaiming that she "[feels] it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone", Chelsea unabashedly hands you her life in a way that could only make the reader feel better about their own, with the wierd twist of truly wishing you had a friend like her in your life. And I love her for it.

[Mandy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny book... Found myself laughing out loud a few times!

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

I hope for the sake of the innocent and guilty that the names in this kiss and tell book were changed. Actually that should be more like--have sex with and tell, but that's beside the point.

Chelesa Handler's memoir of memorable one-night stands is both as racy as you'd expect and not nearly as racy as you'd like to think. Handler's humor is self-deprecating and the fact that she finds such an assortment of one-night stands is an intersting one. The book could definitely be an advertisement for Alcoholic's Anonymous since many of these stories revolve around decisions made while under the influence. Handler details stories about various men--some good, some bad and details their eccecentries and short-comings (pun fully intended).

That said, there are times when Handler works too hard to set up punchlines. I'd say this is a limitation of the work being a printed one, but since I listened to the audio version that doesn't necessarily apply.

Be warned--if you're easily offended, don't read this one.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. Chelsea Handler is hilarious! In this book she tells of her many misadventures with alcohol and promiscuity -they had a tendency to go together- and her crazy family and friends. The book starts with a tale about the time Chelsea's oldest sister Sloane dared her to walk in on their parents and take a picture of them having sex for five bucks and ends with Chelsea finally coming to the realization that she is a -grown ass woman- and that it's time she acted like one, cheers to that! I highly recommend this book if you want a laugh-out-loud funny book to read, but be warned that Chelsea is a bit crass -that's why I love her- and some of the tales are a bit disturbing and offensive.

[Kori · Rating 5 out of 5]

Chelsea Handler is so freakin' funny, I can hardly stand it. I wish she would move her drunk, slutty, foul-mouthed self to to Wisconsin so that we could become best friends.

[Muthulakshmi · Rating 1 out of 5]

This woman is a horrible human being. This book is her boasting about what a complete horror of a human being she is.

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved, loved, loved this book. Chelsea really does take things to the extreme and while I read the book I couldn't believe that it was a memoir. You could have read the book thinking it was fiction the things that she did were so outrageous. If you like Chelsea's humor than this is a book for you. Finished it in about a day because I loved it so much.

[Jillyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chelsea Handler is a comedienne best known for her show, Chelsea Lately, as well as her previous books (Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea and Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang). She brings her edgy, often profane and hilariously offensive sense of humor to this book, which is a collection of one night stands that she has had in her life. Ranging from men to odd fetishes, midgets, and men who can't even "rise" to the occasion, she brings a unique perspective to the life of a single woman in LA.

---

This book is exactly what it sounds like. Each chapter presents a different man that she has slept with (or, has tried to sleep with), and each one is funny for its own reason. I've watched her show on E!, but this was my first introduction to her best selling writing.

+ My Horizontal Life really is hilarious. Personally, I'm an introvert. I'm not a big party-er, and I'm not even close to the level of sexual casualness that Chelsea is. To be honest, I think that's what made this book funnier. I can't even fathom half of these situations happening. I don't know how I'd react to some of these men, other than to be speechless in disgust/disappointment/awkwardness. The fact that she's so calm, cool, collected, and so damn hilarious when facing these kind of events is a special kind of talent, and I've got to give a tip of the hat to her for that.

+ There was a good variety of stories. Though each chapter is similar (at the end of the day, this book is about sex. Simple as that), they are strikingly different. This made it a quick, easy read that didn't drag on monotonously. I thank her for spicing up her sex life stories for my own entertainment purposes. Cheers.

- True, there is no actual plot to this book. It's more of a diary or collection of short stories than a novel. However, at the end, there's a resolution that ties up the previous 200 pages of sluttitude. It happened really fast, like there was a page maximum limit and the book needed to instantly stopped. It made me sad that I was suddenly out of pages.

+/- This point is neither a positive nor a negative. A lot of reviews that I have seen mention her being awful and offensive. Some people probably think so. Hell, a lot of people probably think so. I can not stress this enough: If you are offended by her stand up, or are unfamiliar with her brand of comedy: DON'T READ IT. It's that simple. Comedy is in the eye of the beholder. I find alcohol induced embarrassing sexual woes hilarious. You might not. To each her own.

This book was a much needed pick me up in a time of the holiday blues. If you like her comedy or previous books, this is up your alley. If you embrace or appreciate the partying, sex embracing, drug snorting lifestyle, you'll get at least a few laughs from this. But if you're easily offended, prude, or uncomfortable with this type of crass humor, don't even bother picking it up. I promise, you won't like it.

This review can also be found on my shmancy new blog, Bitches n Prose.

[Amanda NEVER MANDY · Rating 1 out of 5]

I absolutely adored my very first Handler book and expected much the same out of this one. Apparently my predicting the future skills need a little polishing up because this book was terrible. It contained a few funny spots but overall it was lacking the required goods. The transitions were rough as hell and the presentation of the content was poorly done. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking of another book by a different author that I did a hard DNF on. It was the same kind of stories told from the male perspective with mediocre content and terrible presentation. The only difference was at least this author knew to lay off the trash talking of the other people involved in the stories and to share a little self dissing of her own.

The other thing that kept entering my mind was the simple fact that I have laughed way harder during any one of the many times my cousin and I have got to together to rehash old dating horror stories. It’s not that I expect a book to do better than real life experiences, but it does need to at least come in a close second. I am hoping this situation is a one off, it was this author's first book, and that my planned future reading experience goes way better. Thanks to the previously mentioned cousin, I do have one more of her books tucked away in my nightstand stash. It will be the deciding read on if I am going to continue down this author path or not.

One star to a book that didn’t bring what needed brought. *snap*

[Sherese · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked up this book for 50 cents at my local library's weekly book sale about two weeks ago. I figured what the hell, it's 50 cents and I think Chelsea Handler is rather funny on her E! talk show. Plus, I need something light anf fluffy to read after reading two very serious books. I thought the first 121 pages of this book ( the rest of the book was okay, but not hilarious like the first half) was absolutely hilarious! I laughed out loud frequently and read excerpts of the book to my roommate who exclaimed, "I'd totally be friends with her". Chelsea is a rather loose woman who certainly has some of the most ridiculously funny sexual exploits I've ever read or heard about. Although her morals are questionable it makes for quite an entertaining read. I have to say though, I do not for one hot second believe Chelsea is 33 years old. She doesn't look a day younger than 38 or 39. I believe she has the Ryan Seacrest " I was born in 1975" syndrome. Like most of Hollywood I think they are both lying about their age or there must be something in the E! channel water making them look old.

[Greta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not a night owl, so I rarely catch "Chelsea Lately" on E!.... however, I am going to have to stop going to bed earlier than a senior citizen and start watching! This book is hilarious and crude (often disturbing!) but was very entertaining.
Thanks to Ingrid, who passed it on to me...who received it from her friend Rachel....

[Maggie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book would make anyone laugh out loud. Or maybe not. Just do me a favor and if you don't like it, don't tell me or I will lose all respect for you.

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oh, Chelsea. You lived more in your 20s than some have in twice that time. Given the amount of sh*t you did, it's actually astonishing that you emerged from your 20s alive and intact.

I definitely laughed out loud while reading some of these stories, but most were "hehe" funny rather than "HAW HAW HAW!!!" funny.

[Eva-Marie Nevarez · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really, really got a kick out of this book. If anyone was going to read a book by Handler I would definitely say to read this instead of Are You There God, It's Me Chelsea. This is especially true for anyone wanting to read her books who doesn't already know her and/or doesn't watch her t.v. show. I had never heard her or watched her before and only was interested because I heard she was pretty funny. My Horizontal Life showed her sense of humor far better in my opinion.
There are quite a few less positive reviews on the book and while a lot of them come from people who claim to be very open and not easily offended I don't think that's quite the case. I don't think Chelsea Handler is racist or anything else like it. I think she gives in to funny stereotypes. Because a lot of the time, they're FUNNY. I have friends of all colors and I don't know a one of them who'd read any of this and think she's racist. As a matter of fact, they'd all most likely laugh their asses off. I know a lot of black men and none that I know would be upset at the one stereotype she liked the most. Hint, hint.
I would say to anyone easily offended and/or not accepting of stereotypes (even for humorous purposes) to say away from the book. Everyone else will probably get just as big a kick out of it as I have.
I celebrate Handler for being so open, while a lot of what she wrote may very well have been embellished, there is NO WAY, it all came from nowhere. Even if half of what happened to her really happened....wow. I wouldn't admit to half of it and most others wouldn't either. Not only does she admit to it, she probably embellishes AND laughs at herself.
Maybe if we had more of that we wouldn't be so quick to call each other racist, sexist and any other kind of 'ist' we can think of.

Just finished rereading this 5/12/24

[Ashley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Well I tell you what, this book. It was just unpleasant.

I would not have picked this up if it weren’t for a bingo game I was playing, and none of the other choices for that particular square looked at all appealing. I thought, well if you pick this one at least you won’t be bored! And that was true. But my version of not being bored mostly consisted of me yelling at my audiobook about how much I disliked almost everything that was going on.

Maybe she is a different author now in her most recent books, but at the very least this book has not aged well, and at most I really do not like Chelsea Handler, like really a lot.

This book was not funny to me, just endless pages of her fetishizing or being mean, showing even the nicest of her sexual partners little respect. She also came off to me like she thought all this stuff she did was just so cute and rascally and unique but she just comes off like an asshole.

And there was definitely room in the market for a sex positive funny book about a lady seizing her sexuality and not being ashamed of it. There still is. But I don’t think this book is it.

[1.5 stars, extra half star for a couple of chuckles she forced out of me]

[Olivera · Rating 1 out of 5]

I can't believe how much I disliked this. I can't believe how much disgust I felt towards Chelsea and literally every other person in the book.
I'm all for sexual liberty and feminism, don't get me wrong. And one-night stands are certainly nothing bad. But what Handler was talking about wasn't a healthy relationship towards any of these things. She was often deceptive and a straight up compulsive liar with the people she ended up being intimate with for no apparent reason what so ever.
Reading this was nasty, to say the least, and I can't believe I actually finished it, because it was DNF worthy.
And now watch me as I don't pick up anything else by her ever again. I love celebrity memoirs, but I need a break from them after this.
Also, was there supposed to be humour in this? Because I saw none.

[britt_brooke · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chelsea’s first book, written 20 years ago, back before her “Chelsea Lately” years. As is obvs by the title, it’s a collection of funny dating stories. I was a religious viewer of her show, and first read this in 2010. I still miss the “Round Table” discussions. I reread on audio and was VERY bummed she’s not the narrator like she is for her other books. She has since really found her writing “voice,” but it was still a quick, fun revisit.

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book on the plane to Orlando and read her latest book "Are you there Vodka? It's me, Chelsea" on plane ride back. It was an easy, hilarious read. Chelsea Handler is ruthless and crass but I love her. This book is a tell all about her numerous hookups and relationships. Some of the stories make you cringe but her shamlessness is also refreshing.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't like that according to Goodreads that 5 stars means the book was "amazing" because I wouldn't go as far as to say this book was amazing but it was definitely hilarious and laugh-out-loud funny. That's 5 stars in my book.

[Allison · Rating 5 out of 5]

I laughed on buses and trains and in restaurants reading this hilarious confessional. It should have been embarrassing but I couldn't stop either the reading or the laughing. This won't be a one night stand for me. I love Chelsea!!