Die Wise: A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul

by Stephen Jenkinson, Martin Shaw (Foreword)

Die Wise does not offer seven steps for coping with death. It does not suggest ways to make dying easier. It pours no honey to make the medicine go down. Instead, with lyrical prose, deep wisdom, and stories from his two decades of working with dying people and their families, Stephen Jenkinson places death at the center of the page and asks us to behold it in all its painful beauty. Die Wise teaches the skills of dying, skills that have to be learned in the course of living deeply and well. Die Wise is for those who will fail to live forever.

Dying well, Jenkinson writes, is a right and responsibility of everyone. It is not a lifestyle option. It is a moral, political, and spiritual obligation each person owes their ancestors and their heirs. Die Wise dreams such a dream, and plots such an uprising. How we die, how we care for dying people, and how we carry our dead: this work makes our capacity for a village-mindedness, or breaks it.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Psychology, Spirituality, Philosophy, Grief, Health

416 pages, Paperback

First published March 17, 2015

About the author

Stephen is a teacher, author, storyteller, spiritual activist, farmer and founder of the Orphan Wisdom School, a teaching house and learning house for the skills of deep living and making human culture. It is rooted in knowing history, being claimed by ancestry, working for a time ​yet to come.​

Reviews

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

(I think this will be 4 or 5 stars for many, but it's not an easy read and those who could profit most may give up early.) After 10 years of experience in so-called palliative care, and plowing through 288pp of this book, I get to what I know already. "The big revelation!" Grrr... Am I just listening to someone who likes to hear himself talk. Or am I so ignorant of my ignorance of palliative care as it is "normally" carried out? Living in California may be my advantage. To die at home and by-pass the funeral industry is common in my small area. ...So why did I persist with this book? Because I believe there's always more to learn. ...And because I wonder... am I missing something? That's always a good question. So I continued reading to the end and indeed found parts that were well worth the time. So read for those small gems that suddenly pop off the page. Or read because our hospital-and-funeral industrial culture persists in allowing us to avoid the hands-on teachings of a natural occurrence. (Yes, I read all the way to the end and am glad I did.)

[Bette · Rating 3 out of 5]

Somewhere the author admitted that he loves words - and this book supports his passion! Some chapters flowed with intriguing stories and salient points. Other places I had to slog through. Ultimately I didn't finish the book; I applied my new strategy of accepting that I can stop reading a book that just isn't resonating with me. Perhaps I will pick it up another time.

[Linda Watkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Since we are all terminal, it seems wise to get ready for our own demise. This is an excellent book for helping us get conscious about what is coming to all of us & how we want to do it. Unlike any book of this kind that I have read before. Wish I had this when I working hospice. Well worth the read

[Dean Zochert · Rating 5 out of 5]

As has been said, it is a book for all who, come what may, will not live forever. Probably the most important book I've ever read. It's not just about dying, though. It's about how we're living, how we have lived for decades, if not centuries, and how that has precipitated over the years to form the death-phobic culture we live in...and die in...mostly miserably. They author's style is poetic and lyrical, a master wordsmith, for certain. (I'm also listening to the audiobook at the same time, where one can really appreciate his style in the spoken word.) The book is called A Manifesto for Sanity and Soul, and I think that tag line spot on.

[erin c. · Rating 2 out of 5]

important message, although wish author would have focused a little more on a solution/path forward rather than continuing to reiterate the problems...

[Julia de’Caneva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thought-provoking to say the least. Jenkinson intertwines prose with story with musings seamlessly, creating the entire book as a sort of invitation. I have a million and one little bookmark tabs stuck throughout the book, and a million more thoughts and questions in response. He seems to cover every facet of death in culture, and yet somehow opens up a whole new world at each turn. Truly interesting.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best to listen to it. The guy is an amazing storyteller and he is the narrator. It is mesmerizing. I am almost finished with it and I intend to immediately begin it again. The wisdom imparted is invaluable and I feel that my life is enriched because of it.

[Christine Rausch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Stephen! Beautifully written. All your thoughts should be common sense but, unfortunately, much of our society is definitely lacking in common sense.

[Eli · Rating 4 out of 5]

Society needs to hear this. There is a such a thing as dying wise and dying well and we aren’t doing it. It’s a toxic thing in our culture, not knowing how to die well, not knowing what grief is. Please read this book

[Bill · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of good stuff in here, but stylistically, this is a difficult read.

[LiElla Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Found certain aspects and perspectives great. However, the style of writing isn't for me which made it a very long read.

[Ralph · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stephen Jenkinson has been a worker in what he refers to as the "death trade" for over 20 years. It gives him a lot of experience in dealing not only with dying people but also with their family and friends, with his own thoughts and feelings about death and dying, and with cultural attitudes toward death and dying. He starts with talking about how death-phobic our society has become. It leads us to ignore and even strenuously deny that we are dying right up to the moment of the death of our body. He maintains (and I agree) that the phobia robs us of the opportunity to participate in the last, great experience of our life. It traumatizes those left behind who continue to see death as a horrible experience to be dealt with through pain killers and sedatives, ignoring the opportunity to see value in the life we are leaving.

Not that death and dying will always be wonderful, spiritual and pain free. He acknowledges that dying is hard work - but work well worth the effort both for the dying and those left behind.

After making us aware of the death phobia, Jenkinson moves on to the work of learning how to die wise. It is not simple or easy. Do not expect a 10 step program leading to a dying wise. It isn't there. Jenkinson's observations range from immediate and practical to vague and spiritual. This is entirely appropriate. Dying is often physically stressful and messy. It also calls on the dying and those close to one who is dying to examine their spiritual beliefs.

There a lots of clues and suggestions about where to start working toward dying wise, but no concrete program. Finding our own way is part of the hard work of dying. The book is replete with stories sharing Jenkinson's experiences - very few of which end with an obvious moral or a triumphant display of his wisdom in helping people to die wise. They do illustrate the difficulties of dying wise in our society. They provoke thought, prod the reader to review attitudes, to think about how to be with those who are dying, and to plan as best we can for how we will approach our own death.

I vacillated between giving four and five stars to this book because of Jenkinson's writing style. He frequently uses long, long sentences replete with multiple parenthetical interjections and compound conditions. The sentences flow marvelously, often poetically, but I found myself having to stop, back up and parse (and re-parse) the sentence to see what was actually said. At times, I found this quite frustrating. Perhaps that is for the good. It certainly has kept me from racing thoughtlessly through the book as I might with a sci-fi thriller. It is a book to be read in small bites with each bite being chewed over with great attention. I found it well worth the effort.

[KJ Grow · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unnecessarily verbose and tangential, but enough moments of astonishing beauty and insight to keep me going through 400 pages.

"Our fear of dying is an inherited trauma. It comes from not knowing how to be at home in the world. It comes from having no root in the world and no indebtedness to what has gone before us."

And:
"Most dying people are enormously sad, and they need help in being sad. They don't require a diagnosis. The inability to be sad when it's time to be sad - not too much sadness for too long - is something that can depress people. When being sad is hurried through on the royal road to acceptance it is one of the hardest of dying people's tasks. The antidote for depression is sadness, and it is sadness that must be taught. To be heartbroken isn't a diagnosis. It's a skill."

[Debra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a difficult but enlightening read. The author writes beautifully about a topic we all must wrestle with while facing the death of a loved one or our own inevitable death. I think he makes some very valid criticisms of the medical community and even palliative care, however, he speaks from a wealth of experience and observations of those who are dying and their families and friends. We have a culture that fights the whole concept of death ....instead of making it a normal part of life. He questions the assumption that there is a benefit to "more time" in a very practical manner. More time generally morphs into more dying sadly. With raised awareness perhaps we can all die wiser.

[Jennifer Padron · Rating 5 out of 5]

Die Wise is tough to read because Jenkinson writes in such deep prose broadly. I found myself needing to read passage after passage after passage in order to feel adequately read on his thinking. Yet, the book is the best there is on anything related to Right to Die or Die with Dignity. Jenkinson's training facility in Ontaro emailed me on my query to add to the Wait List, "... there isn't going to be further training" due largely to the fact that Jenkinson's Training for Death & Dying study or for Death Doula(ship) that they cannot handle capacity currently. When I asked where else I could go, my email went unanswered. I imagine it bobbing up and down on a beach somewhere, in a bottle.

[Lisa J Shultz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the author read this book on Audible. Soon after starting, I realized that I needed the print version to highlight and reflect. After I finished the audio version, I looked at my highlights and took notes on what stood out to me. I plan to repeat the entire process again. I don't usually feel that strongly about the value of the content. This book is thought provoking and potentially paradigm shifting on many aspects of dying and death. I need a second read to go deeper yet.
If you are interested in the topic of dying well, read this book. And maybe re-read it again.

[Kim Shively · Rating 2 out of 5]

Manifesto? More like a harangue.

Whatever you believe regarding death, life, God, happiness, or anything else, it's wrong. And don't you forget it.

I don't even disagree with Jenkinson's views, but he spends such a long time (hundreds of pages) tearing things down. I wish he spent that much energy in this book building things up.

I had to read it for a class, otherwise, there are many good, ground-breaking books on death and dying in North America that I would recommend more enthusiastically.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I adore this book!! I know many believe it to be a long wordy read. However, perhaps it makes sense to think of it as a journey. It took me approx. 4 months to finish the book. I would read for a while, put it down, think it through and then pick it up again. Personally, I thoroughly enjoyed the way it was written. Enjoy the Journey!

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thought provoking.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every now and then a voice sings truth to my soul. Stephen Jenkinson is one of those people. His call to normalize death rings true. It is a call I intend to answer.

[Andy Weiss · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I hear people say "good morning" to me now, I think "good mourning" and I want to answer, "yes I am! You?"

This book was as challenging a read as I've ever picked up. A gift from a friend who spends time thinking and challenging thoughts, conventions and much more, (thank you A.). So many of my assumptions about so many things held up to inspection if you dare. I did and am glad for it.

[Michelle]

I will return to this book at a later time.

[Travis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Profundity spills from the words on these pages, flooding my shattered heart, enriching the soul with nectar well earned from the sufferings and griefs made possible by the simple but hard truths of the way things are, and must be, preparing to die, and die well.

[Jennifer O'Brien · Rating 1 out of 5]

Stephen Jenkinson is judging you. If he comes to visit your deathbed, he is assessing your socioeconomic status, guessing at your ethnic background and likely concluding that you are dying all wrong.

Stephen Jenkinson was, for some years, employed by a palliative care practice at a major urban hospital. When I look at his Wikipedia entry it says that he was Director of Palliative Care at Mount Sinai Hospital in Toronto, which is a grand title implying a lot of administrative work but by his account in this book his relevant duties were 1) visiting the dying and offering them the cold comfort of socratic inquiry and 2) public speaking to other people in palliative care, or as he calls it “the death trade”. It’s not at all clear if he has ever done the actual day-to-day caregiving work of attending a dying person. I don’t think he’s ever changed an adult’s diaper or been awakened by someone screaming in agony.

I do not recommend this book. It is not a good book. It actually has some good bits right at the end and I’ll share those bits so you don’t have to slog through it to get to them. They are, to paraphrase: we should let dying change everything and dying people need to be sad for a long time. I think those are pretty good things to keep in mind if you are involved in a dying person’s dying time, though I am not even sure about the second one, probably true for some people and not for others.

Things that Stephen Jenkinson does not care for: antianxiety meds, antidepressants, sedation, “quality of life”, suicide, euthanasia. He never comes out and says clearly what is wrong with each of these things. He speaks of them in sarcastic, contemptuous fashion without saying what exactly the problem is that he sees. I think he means that they prevent some sort of necessary work that we are supposed, in his philosophy, to do while dying. I never could get a handle on what it was he thought people needed to be doing while dying.

Presumably he has seen many people die, or at least visited them close to their death, but he never gives any actual described examples of what a good death looks like (to him) or what a bad death looks like (to him).

He tells many sort of half stories where he begins telling you about someone (who he speaks of such that you know he thinks they are doing it wrong) but never tells you what happened, how their death went. Several times he mentions that he was not invited back, and who can blame the dying?

Please do not give this book to a dying person you love or their loved ones caring for them. He speaks so disdainfully of the sick seeking “more time” and “quality of life” that it makes me feel bad. I have seen the terminally ill get “more time” and have “quality of life” improved and I think those were good things.

He writes with derision that the dying get their “more time” from medical science and then don’t like it. I just think the last months of life are always going to suck. He seems to have some sort of fantasy that before medical advances there wasn’t drawn out prolonged dying.

Speaking of fantasy, he has a fantasy love affair with indigenous people. Oh the indigenous, they know how to initiate people with rites of passage, they die once to childhood so they are prepared for death. They know how to die and they know how to take care of their dead. Not that he ever gives ANY concrete examples of actual indigenous practices. Or even names any specific peoples, just “indigenous” people. He implies that they could teach us so much, that if we were indigenous then we could die wise just like everyone used to I guess.

If you still feel like reading this book, just skim it please. If what you’re reading seems tedious or pointless, you’re right, trust your instincts and move on. I think Chapter 9 “What Dying Asks Of Us All” is ok and close to what I hoping this book might be. The second to last chapter, Chapter 11 “Ah, My Friend The Enemy” which is about grief is also pretty good.

But overall, Stephen Jenkinson is overly impressed with himself and his “wisdom” and doesn’t explain over hundreds of pages what his objections or objectives are and you would do better to look for other books about how to die well.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Die Wise is one of the most powerful books I have ever read. So powerful in fact that I had to buy my own copy midway through a library copy so I could highlight and underline. I read it very slowly in order to properly process Jenkinson's thesis. The septuagenarian author lives in on a farm in rural Ontario and has lived an interesting life. He has Masters degrees in both Theology and Social Work and has traveled much of world. He most recently worked for twenty years in the palliative care "industry" in Toronto and firmly believes that our modern North American terror of death and dying is the result of our secular immigrant culture. Except for First Nations people, we are descendants of people who came from elsewhere and many, if not most, of them left behind not only the graves of their ancestors but their understanding of the role death plays in a culture they no long experience. His website is called Orphan Wisdom and that name pretty much sums up our position. We are cultural orphans in search of the wisdom we lost along the way. The only problem with this book is that it is far too long. I'm sure the author loses many readers along the way because of this which arises out of his passion for the topic. He spends the first two-thirds of the book outlining what is wrong with order contemporary view and treatment of the dying and the last third getting to just what we can do about it. I found this book as important as Viktor Frankl's profound Man's Search for Meaning. Ironically Jenkinson's manifesto is more than twice as long as Frankl's which lessens it's impact instead of enhancing it. Jenkinson has just published a new book called Come of Age: The Case for Elderhood in a Time of Trouble which appears to be another heavy-duty tome further advancing his call to cultivate a new perspective for our own sake as well as our children and our ancestors.

[Jennifer Hansen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a friend who just died of breast cancer. It is about how to die well, written by a palliative care professional and just a very wise man. One of his arguments is that prolonging life in a medically-managed death really just means prolonging suffering, and that this is not a good death. It is costly, bad for the person dying and bad for the loved ones of the person dying. It diminishes us all. And sadly it is the norm in this country.

This would not have been my normal reading material, but I had to read the book because of the incredibly inspirational way in which my friend chose to die. She loved life, it broke her to leave her children (her son is my son's age), it broke me to watch her have to say goodbye to her life. I had to read the book that inspired her to leave the world in the remarkable way that she did. She made her death into a gift for everyone who knew her, that's the only way I can describe it. If you're ever looking for a hard read that is emotionally exhausting, but deeply thought provoking, I recommend this book (audiobook is read by the author, and he is a gifted storyteller).

[Kyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, let me say that Stephen Jenkinson is a storyteller, and that hearing him read this book to you is a completely different and altogether better experience than reading the text yourself. I made it halfway through this book before obtaining the audio and my experience of it changed dramatically. It has now assumed a place among the best books I've ever read. Stephen is a Harvard educated theologian who has spent many years in service to, and being educated by, people at the end of their lives- a domain he refers to as 'the death trade'. Die Wise is an honest, articulate and deeply felt work built on Stephen's deep observations and experiential learning in the death trade. It poses more questions than answers and it will require something of you-- If you submit, and travel deeply with him for the duration, you will find truth, beauty, and wisdom here.

[Shiloh · Rating 2 out of 5]

Such a a painful read, and not because the content was on death and dying. It was only when he was telling a story that you could appreciate the authors skills with words, the rest of the time he was so contrary and pompous. Nearly 400 pages and I couldn't really tell you how to better serve people at the end of life. There were a few pearls of wisdom, but for all the time and energy it took to read this book I expected to come away with something equip me at my job, instead I am left confounded.

[Joanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author could use some learning on how to get folks to change their perspectives. There is such a predominance of negative criticism of our culture’s approach to dying with so little positive suggestions how to live as a dying being. I kept feeling that all of the author’s years of experience has to have many examples that would be helpful, rather than beating the drum of what’s wrong over and over. His criticism is valid, but not sufficient.

[Hannah Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is for anybody who is going to die.