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385 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 31, 2015












Before this I was just going through the motions. Now I am the motion.









"I’m living in a postcard. Every day I wake up and I’m part of a scene that steals my breath and brings tears to my eyes. If it’s not Gemma, it’s this god damned scenery."


The choices he made in his life…not afraid of the outcome but looking forward to what the world could offer him…![]()
“I believe,” I say slowly, “that everyone you meet leaves an imprint on you. By the end of your life, that imprint has shaped who you are and what life you’ve lived.”
Karina Halle’s past as a travel writer clearly shows in the amazing and vivid way she describes the country, that makes you physically think you are there.![]()





I get an erection the moment I first lay eyes on her.

Her body has just enough meat for me to grab a good hold of, and I imagine running my hands over her hills and valleys.

“I just had to come over here to tell you you’re the
best-dressed guy here. I mean, that must have taken some effort.”
I grin at her. “Game of Thrones fan?” I ask.
Another sly nod. “Of course. But who doesn’t love Khal Drogo?”
“Hey, girls can’t be the only ones to slut it up at Halloween.”
I’m pressed up against her ass and it’s like I’ve gone to heaven. It’s so firm and round that I’m starting to think that she’s magic. Of course, I’m also growing harder by the second and I know, I know, she can feel the magician’s wand.
But the moment you tell a girl that you like to draw comic books, they look at you like you just took a shit in front of them.
I quickly remember that I had put a condom in my satchel because I figured that pretending to be a ripped, violent warrior might just be walking lady porn.

I have a fit body but I work hard for it. I have to. I’m a personal trainer and a bit of a fitness buff. But even so, there’s always been a part of me that blushes and feels insecure when a guy sees me naked. All my insecurities run through my head—my thighs are too muscular, my shoulders too wide, my butt needs its own hemisphere. I could go on.

His desire not only fuels my own but gives me confidence.



I feel this lack. So much that it hurts. And I don’t know what it is. It just makes me sad. It makes me long and ache and I need something to fill it. It’s a constant pain and I’m so fucking tired of it.
I’m acting like such a pussy-whipped tool. It was a one-night stand, it was just for that one night. That’s what they are there for. I’ve had at least eight one-night stands before and every single one of them remained exactly that. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am, and oh, you’re welcome, too.
Why was this one different? What did she do to me? What the hell was it about her that made her stand out from all the rest?
When did I lose my motherfucking mind?
I love you, I think as my heart seems to expand inside me.
And you’ll hurt me.
You’ll burn me.
You’ll mark me.
But it’s already worth it.
I feel like I’m living my life instead of just getting by. I’m doing something, being somebody. Before this…I was just going through the motions. Now I am the motion.
“Attachments hurt when they’re taken away. You’re leaving”
“So what?” I tell her. “I’m attached to you already and I’m still leaving ... Doesn’t mean that the pain negates everything, that none of this was worth it.”
…
“At the very least, we should be screwing each other’s brains out until I get on that plane.”
“Gemma.” His voice is rough and heated. “Some people may expect nothing. Most people expect something. But you, you, should expect everything.”
“Let it be wild, let it be messy. It’s the first sunrise of many more to come. You can’t screw it up. If you do, there’s always tomorrow”
“This woman seems to be everything I’m looking for and I only have her for one night, if I even have her at all.”
“I think he can feel it in me, this wildness. I want to pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist and the rest of my life doesn’t exist and the only thing that’s certain is here and now.”
“I want him to want me. I want him to not want me. I don’t know what I want.”
“Before this … I was just going through the motions. Now I am the motion.”
“I love you, I think as my heart seems to expand inside me. And you’ll hurt me. You’ll burn me. You’ll mark me.”

‘He kisses me and the world around us slips away. His tongue is smooth but urgent, the tongue ring stimulating, and our kiss builds with desire until my whole body feels like it’s being licked by the sweetest flames. I’m sucked under, in a riptide, into the undertow, and it’s dark and I’m tumbling and I don’t know which way is up but oh god, how I don’t want it to stop. I could drown in his mouth. I could sink into him forever.
I barely know this guy. I’m leaving tomorrow and I’ll never see him again.
But I want to drown in every moment we have.’

“Josh?” I ask softly.
“Yeah?”
“Do you ever find yourself wanting something so badly but you don’t know what it is?”
His breath is heavy in my ear for a moment. Finally he says, “Yes. I do.”
I swallow, my throat feeling thick. “I have this…I don’t know what it is exactly. But I wake up and it’s there and it’s been there for a long time. It’s just this absence. It tells me that either something was there before and now it’s gone or that something should be there at this point in my life. But I don’t have it. I feel this lack. So much that it hurts. And I don’t know what it is. It just makes me sad. It makes me long and ache and I need something to fill it. It’s a constant pain and I’m so fucking tired of it.”
My voice chokes up a bit at the end and the tears that didn’t come during the sunset are coming now, slowly, cold on my cheeks. “I think I ache for things I may never have. I long for purpose, for life, and yet sometimes I think I’m too afraid to live.” I pause. “Do you ever worry, that there’s something out there that you’re missing?”
“I do,” he answers quietly, pulling back the edge of my hood. His warm lips brush against the rim of my ear and I close my eyes to intensify the feeling. “The feeling that you won’t be happy until you find it.”
“Yes,” I say, relief flooding through me at the realization that he understands. “Do you know what yours is?”
He pauses. “I have an idea. It’s becoming clearer day by day.”

“Am I your issue?”
She shoots me a quick glance but doesn’t say anything.
I put my hand on her face, making her look at me again. “Am I your issue?”
“I…I don’t want to become attached to you,” she says, and I can see it took a lot of effort to admit it.
I frown though something inside me is growing warm. “Why not?”
She balks like I asked a stupid question. “Because.” She sighs harshly. “Attachments hurt when they’re taken away. You’re leaving.”
“So what?” I tell her. “I’m attached to you already and I’m still leaving. I almost left right now. Doesn’t mean that the pain negates everything, that none of this was worth it.”
She swallows, looking surprised. “You’re attached to me?”
I shake my head incredulously and run my thumb over her lips, marveling at how fucking clueless she is. “Gemma, Gemma, Gemma,” I murmur. “I told you how I feel about you. I told you why I’m here. Of course I’m attached to you. And I know very well that I’m leaving, but that isn’t stopping these feelings from happening. In fact, it only makes it sweeter, stronger, because I know we don’t have much time together.”
‘When that first sun rose over that deserted beach on the East Cape and my fingers captured that moment, that feeling – hazy, grand, messy, warm – I felt like my heart rose as well.
I was shining on the inside.
It’s all because of Josh. All because of this funny, sexy, handsome, generous, adorable man who knows my body better than I do, who sees the real me underneath the ice and isn’t afraid of her. Who believes in who I am and what I can do, more than I can believe it myself.
That morning showed me what he saw in me, and it was beautiful.
That morning I realized I love him. Deeply, desperately, dangerously.
I am in love with Joshua Miles, and it’s bringing me to life.
It’s killing me.
It’s making me crazy.
I think I love that part, too.
It twists and loops around us, tying us to one another. It steals my thoughts and makes me think of him. It steals my hands and makes me touch his skin. It’s brutal and kind and sharp and soft and warm and cold and freeing and imprisoning. It’s an incognito imposter taking over my world, spreading itself like a disease.
It’s a million and one things, and it’s real to the bone.
It’s in my bones.
It’s love. And I have no idea what it’s going to do next.
I can only hope that I’ll have the strength to keep it in line.’

“How can you love me?” I’m surprised that’s what comes out of my mouth but it’s the truth and it’s out there, floating in the dark.
He’s surprised, too. He balks at the question, his head jerking back.
After a long moment, the silence filled by the lapping water on the shore, he asks, “Do you want the truth?” Of course I want the truth. Of course I need to heart it. But I steel myself against it all the same. “It’s not easy to love you, Gemma,” he says, his fingers sliding up through my hair, gently, affectionately, in contrast to his words. “You are not an easy person to love because you don’t seem to have any use for it. You don’t want it. But the more you push, the more I pull. I fell in love with you because it was like staring at the frozen sea. I only saw the surface but I knew there was more underneath, miles of depth that no one has had a chance to discover.”

‘I wonder if I’ll run into him somewhere. I wonder what I’d say.
I know what I’d say. I’d tell him I’m sorry. I’d tell him I didn’t mean to hurt him. I’d tell him what he means to me in the big, bad world, how his arms are the ones that kept me safe, that his eyes are what still coax me out of my shell. He gave me the courage to try again, to create, to lay myself bare, and that won’t stop, even after he’s gone.
I want to tell him that I love him. So deeply that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to remove it, that I’ll have to carry it with me forever, like a badge. And I want to tell him that’s not a bad thing. It’s an honor to love him.’



“Take this opportunity … and find what makes you happy. You may never get that chance again. Time waits for no one.”Does this always work out in nonfiction scenarios? Hell no! I mean, have you ever watched Locked Up Abroad?? But it was a nice thought :)


