What do you think?
Rate this book
No one understands you, and what to do about it
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re just not getting through to the person you’re talking with, or coming across the way you intend to? You’re not alone. Our usual approach is to just talk louder, to try harder to get our message through. This is almost always the wrong approach.
Why? Because other people almost never see us the way we see ourselves. Fortunately, these distortions in perception are systematic, understandable, and surmountable.
Heidi Grant Halvorson, bestselling author of Nine Things Successful People Do Differently and Focus, now shows you how to communicate effectively—despite these unintentional (yet widespread) distortions of perception. By better understanding how communication and perception really work, you’ll learn to send the right signals at the right time, no matter who you’re communicating with.
Why? Because other people almost never see us the way we see ourselves. Fortunately, these distortions in perception are systematic, understandable, and surmountable.
Heidi Grant Halvorson, bestselling author of Nine Things Successful People Do Differently and Focus, now shows you how to communicate effectively—despite these unintentional (yet widespread) distortions of perception. By better understanding how communication and perception really work, you’ll learn to send the right signals at the right time, no matter who you’re communicating with.
224 pages, Paperback
First published March 24, 2015
192 people are currently reading
2978 people want to read
About the author
Heidi Grant Halvorson
15 books180 followersDr. Heidi Grant Halvorson is a social psychologist who researches, writes, and speaks about the science of motivation. She is the Associate Director of the Motivation Science Center at the Columbia Business School, and author of the best-selling books:
Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals, Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World for Success and Influence (co-written with E. Tory Higgins), and The 8 Motivational Challenges.
HGH is also a contributor to the Harvard Business Review, 99u, Fast Company, WSJ.com, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
In addition to her work as author and co-editor of the highly-regarded academic book The Psychology of Goals (Guilford, 2009), she has authored papers in her field’s most prestigious journals, including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, European Journal of Social Psychology, and Judgment and Decision Making. She has received numerous grants from the National Science Foundation for her research on goals and achievement.
HGH is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and was recently elected to the highly selective Society for Experimental Social Psychology. She gives frequent invited addresses and speaks regularly at national conferences, and is available for speaking and consulting engagements, primarily in education, marketing, and management. She received her PhD in social psychology from Columbia University
Succeed: How We Can All Reach Our Goals, Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, Focus: Use Different Ways of Seeing The World for Success and Influence (co-written with E. Tory Higgins), and The 8 Motivational Challenges.
HGH is also a contributor to the Harvard Business Review, 99u, Fast Company, WSJ.com, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today.
In addition to her work as author and co-editor of the highly-regarded academic book The Psychology of Goals (Guilford, 2009), she has authored papers in her field’s most prestigious journals, including the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, European Journal of Social Psychology, and Judgment and Decision Making. She has received numerous grants from the National Science Foundation for her research on goals and achievement.
HGH is a member of the American Psychological Association, the Association for Psychological Science, and the Society for Personality and Social Psychology, and was recently elected to the highly selective Society for Experimental Social Psychology. She gives frequent invited addresses and speaks regularly at national conferences, and is available for speaking and consulting engagements, primarily in education, marketing, and management. She received her PhD in social psychology from Columbia University
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 129 reviews
February 22, 2016
The premise of this book is that it will help you get others to perceive you as you really are. That’s a smart way to market a book in a world where so many of us feel misunderstood. But it’s not until the very last page that author Heidi Grant Halvorsan notes an important addendum: we’re also pretty poor at perceiving ourselves. The identity we’ve crafted in our minds usually doesn’t match up with how we actually act. That is the book’s greatest flaw: it leaves the reader with some tips to enhance how we’re perceived by others without giving any guidance to better understand ourselves through their eyes. Without greater self-awareness, we’re just as likely to remain feeling misunderstood. And, more often than not, it’s our own perception that is at fault.
Fortunately, this book is not just about manipulating perceptions. It’s about how to communicate with others who are different from you, which makes it valuable reading for anyone who has family or works in an office. “Others who are different from you” are defined by a number of psychological profiles that shift depending on context, but tend to be more dominant (or not) in different types of people. Are you an optimist constantly looking for new opportunities, or do you first focus on what could go wrong? When you are stressed, do you avoid others or do you actively seek out their help and emotional support? Depending on which type of person you are dealing with, there are some important implications for how we communicate. I’m sure we’ve all seen these two types of people in a friendship or relationship:
The book is marketed at manipulating others to perceive us better, but it’s just as useful to become more perceptive of others, and to understand how our hidden biases shape how we perceive. If you flip the framing, it’s really a book about how to become fairer and more empathetic. Halvorson claims that we unconsciously ask ourselves three main questions as we size people up:
1) Can I trust this person, or might (s)he screw me over at some point?
2) Is this person more or less powerful than me?
3) Is this person a threat to my self-esteem?
We don’t like to admit that our sense of power and ego have such sway over how we perceive others, but Halverson makes a pretty compelling case. Unless we feel like we’re in the same close group of special individuals, then we tend to distance ourselves from anyone who could threaten our sense of self-worth in a social setting. We tend to spend much more time psycho-analyzing those who are relatively more powerful than those who are less powerful. And, of course, we fall victim to stereotypes — mental shortcuts so that we don’t have to spend so much mental energy on forming a truly accurate picture of every person we meet. If you think back to our ancestors’ time around the fire in the African Savanna, these unconscious biases make a lot of sense.
Unfortunately, they can also hijack our ability to accurately perceive people and make the most informed decisions. Boards say they want creative executive leaders, but then they’re swayed by the stereotypical reticent, tall, graying executive with plenty of gravitas but very little creativity. Women on hiring committees penalize attractive female applicants that threaten their self-esteem. And we all mistake warmth and charisma for trust when we should wait for a track record of dependability.
Halvorson leaves us with no shortage of tips and tactics to improve our perception of others, and potentially how we’re perceived by others. I think only two are going to really stay with me. First, I’m going to try to slow down my first impressions — let them shape over months not minutes. Second, once those first impressions are shaped — those mental shortcuts that let our minds focus on other things — I’ll still try be a little Zen Buddhist from time to time and try to see the people I know through the eyes of a stranger.
Fortunately, this book is not just about manipulating perceptions. It’s about how to communicate with others who are different from you, which makes it valuable reading for anyone who has family or works in an office. “Others who are different from you” are defined by a number of psychological profiles that shift depending on context, but tend to be more dominant (or not) in different types of people. Are you an optimist constantly looking for new opportunities, or do you first focus on what could go wrong? When you are stressed, do you avoid others or do you actively seek out their help and emotional support? Depending on which type of person you are dealing with, there are some important implications for how we communicate. I’m sure we’ve all seen these two types of people in a friendship or relationship:
The book is marketed at manipulating others to perceive us better, but it’s just as useful to become more perceptive of others, and to understand how our hidden biases shape how we perceive. If you flip the framing, it’s really a book about how to become fairer and more empathetic. Halvorson claims that we unconsciously ask ourselves three main questions as we size people up:
1) Can I trust this person, or might (s)he screw me over at some point?
2) Is this person more or less powerful than me?
3) Is this person a threat to my self-esteem?
We don’t like to admit that our sense of power and ego have such sway over how we perceive others, but Halverson makes a pretty compelling case. Unless we feel like we’re in the same close group of special individuals, then we tend to distance ourselves from anyone who could threaten our sense of self-worth in a social setting. We tend to spend much more time psycho-analyzing those who are relatively more powerful than those who are less powerful. And, of course, we fall victim to stereotypes — mental shortcuts so that we don’t have to spend so much mental energy on forming a truly accurate picture of every person we meet. If you think back to our ancestors’ time around the fire in the African Savanna, these unconscious biases make a lot of sense.
Unfortunately, they can also hijack our ability to accurately perceive people and make the most informed decisions. Boards say they want creative executive leaders, but then they’re swayed by the stereotypical reticent, tall, graying executive with plenty of gravitas but very little creativity. Women on hiring committees penalize attractive female applicants that threaten their self-esteem. And we all mistake warmth and charisma for trust when we should wait for a track record of dependability.
Halvorson leaves us with no shortage of tips and tactics to improve our perception of others, and potentially how we’re perceived by others. I think only two are going to really stay with me. First, I’m going to try to slow down my first impressions — let them shape over months not minutes. Second, once those first impressions are shaped — those mental shortcuts that let our minds focus on other things — I’ll still try be a little Zen Buddhist from time to time and try to see the people I know through the eyes of a stranger.
November 10, 2015
Cognitive miser might be my new favorite insult.
June 15, 2015
This was a fascinating read, and I've been thinking (and talking with people) about different insights as a result. It was helpful in understanding how we all face huge challenges in truly seeing each other clearly. For example, human beings are naturally "cognitive misers" and will use short cuts to take in information. One way we achieve this is to do things like believe that someone is like the other members of a group to which they appear to belong. I work in PR. Based on what you might believe about PR people, you've now made a series of assumptions about me just from that four word statement alone. Then, thanks to confirmation bias, as you get to know me, you'll likely only see the characteristics that you expect to see in me, discounting anything that doesn't fit your assumptions. (A lot of "Thinking Fast and Slow" by Daniel Kahneman appears to be summarized in this book.) Meanwhile, I'm doing the same thing to you!
One interesting nugget: we use stereotypes more depending on our circadian rhythm. "Morning people" are more likely to use stereotypes in their judgments of others in the afternoon. "Evening people" will do so right after breakfast.
Halvorson takes readers through a series of lenses that shape how we perceive people:
- Trust: Are you friend or foe?
- Power: How much influence do you have over me?
- Ego: Do you make me feel insecure?
The later chapters were the most interesting as they got into some specific personality types and how interpersonal communication is influenced by their different styles. In one chapter, she shares how to best motivate people who are "eager reward-seekers" versus people who are "vigilant risk-mitigators." For example, a study in a regional league in the German Football Association had players practicing penalty shot kicking. Players were given one of two instructions:
"You are going to shoot five penalties. Your aspiration is to score at least three times."
"You are going to shoot five penalties. Your obligation is to not miss more than two times."
According to Halvorson, "Promotion players performed significantly better when told to "score three times out of five." The effect was even larger for prevention-minded players, who scored nearly twice as often when told to "not miss more than two times."
Halvorson clearly excels at finding and synthesizing a wide variety of academic research and the result here is an accessible, quick, and useful book.
One interesting nugget: we use stereotypes more depending on our circadian rhythm. "Morning people" are more likely to use stereotypes in their judgments of others in the afternoon. "Evening people" will do so right after breakfast.
Halvorson takes readers through a series of lenses that shape how we perceive people:
- Trust: Are you friend or foe?
- Power: How much influence do you have over me?
- Ego: Do you make me feel insecure?
The later chapters were the most interesting as they got into some specific personality types and how interpersonal communication is influenced by their different styles. In one chapter, she shares how to best motivate people who are "eager reward-seekers" versus people who are "vigilant risk-mitigators." For example, a study in a regional league in the German Football Association had players practicing penalty shot kicking. Players were given one of two instructions:
"You are going to shoot five penalties. Your aspiration is to score at least three times."
"You are going to shoot five penalties. Your obligation is to not miss more than two times."
According to Halvorson, "Promotion players performed significantly better when told to "score three times out of five." The effect was even larger for prevention-minded players, who scored nearly twice as often when told to "not miss more than two times."
Halvorson clearly excels at finding and synthesizing a wide variety of academic research and the result here is an accessible, quick, and useful book.
August 13, 2015
On the one hand, this book is pretty simple and straightforward. If you've taken a Psych 1000 course at any point, most of this won't be new. If you've taken higher psych course, with the exception of a few terms, this really won't be new.
On the other, while some of the suggestions are so obvious, they also smack of complicated manipulation. Not inherently bad manipulation, but reading this book made me feel exhausted just thinking about the strategies and phrases I would need to employ to change anyone's perception of me. (It also has no advice on picking up how people have misunderstood you if they don't outright tell you "hey I think you're an asshole and arrogant".) Basically, I finished the book knowing that many of these strategies would be successful (having learned them via psych and business courses) I also simply don't have the talent/energy to employ them in every thing I do. There's a reason I work in a backroom and not as a waitress; I could never keep a smiling, friendly face to get good tips while dealing with men making sexist jokes or children screaming. I am a friendly person - but your perception of me is probably not going to be that if I'm dealing with other assholes.
At the end, this information may be entirely new to a lot of people. It may also help them if their issues are attributed to the workplace. This book is definitely written with a bent toward getting your boss to recognize your achievements or making sure to not upset your coworkers. I was looking a little bit more for out of work perceptions (friends, relationships) and while some scenarios are mentioned, they are not the focus (though again, I recognize several tactics can apply to work and non-work situations).
On the other, while some of the suggestions are so obvious, they also smack of complicated manipulation. Not inherently bad manipulation, but reading this book made me feel exhausted just thinking about the strategies and phrases I would need to employ to change anyone's perception of me. (It also has no advice on picking up how people have misunderstood you if they don't outright tell you "hey I think you're an asshole and arrogant".) Basically, I finished the book knowing that many of these strategies would be successful (having learned them via psych and business courses) I also simply don't have the talent/energy to employ them in every thing I do. There's a reason I work in a backroom and not as a waitress; I could never keep a smiling, friendly face to get good tips while dealing with men making sexist jokes or children screaming. I am a friendly person - but your perception of me is probably not going to be that if I'm dealing with other assholes.
At the end, this information may be entirely new to a lot of people. It may also help them if their issues are attributed to the workplace. This book is definitely written with a bent toward getting your boss to recognize your achievements or making sure to not upset your coworkers. I was looking a little bit more for out of work perceptions (friends, relationships) and while some scenarios are mentioned, they are not the focus (though again, I recognize several tactics can apply to work and non-work situations).
September 12, 2017
This book offers some real practical advice that is based in science, on how to ensure you're sending the intended signals to others during first impressions, as well as how to correct any wrong perceptions others have made of you. Very useful, which I like. It inspired notes. :-)
September 10, 2016
The book helped me expand my vision on how people perceive other people. There is power in working with their lenses. Thanks, I speed read it so I'll probably turn back to this book in the near future.
June 9, 2015
not much here
The title is good, but sadly there is just not much content here. Some basic psychology and a reminder to be mindful just about covers it . . .
The title is good, but sadly there is just not much content here. Some basic psychology and a reminder to be mindful just about covers it . . .
March 20, 2017
Some nice gems about ideas of things to try and lenses to view others, but generally poorly written.
October 1, 2018
Ever felt like misunderstood? Well I've felt and I was curious why this happens and if there is something I can do about it. It turns out there is plenty.
For example: first impressions happen quickly and are thought to last. However, first impressions can and will change, this book gives ideas on how to do it more effectively.
Book also helped me to understand various lenses which affect our decision making about other people. Overall it's a book about communicating and perceiving other. As humans we are full of heuristics (shortcuts) and biases (false beliefs and perceptions), although we can consciously become aware of these and that way be a little bit more accurate.
I was looking for books in this topic, and this was the most convincing one I could find. I am really satisfied with what I read, so I can recommend to anyone who wants to understand and be more understood more in the world.
For example: first impressions happen quickly and are thought to last. However, first impressions can and will change, this book gives ideas on how to do it more effectively.
Book also helped me to understand various lenses which affect our decision making about other people. Overall it's a book about communicating and perceiving other. As humans we are full of heuristics (shortcuts) and biases (false beliefs and perceptions), although we can consciously become aware of these and that way be a little bit more accurate.
I was looking for books in this topic, and this was the most convincing one I could find. I am really satisfied with what I read, so I can recommend to anyone who wants to understand and be more understood more in the world.
Read
November 19, 2020To come across to others the way you intend to by means of pleasing the hard-wired cognitive pitfalls and biases, which cause the misunderstandings we begin with, rather than intentionally challenging them. I find this interesting.
September 14, 2017
kind of scary but very useful and eye-opening. it delivers what it promised
January 16, 2019
Two Phases of perception:
1. Fast, automatic and biased, without effort. System 1 (Kahneman) answer to: What is causing x to cry? Seeking traits like: anxious, sensitive etc.
2. Discounting or correcting. Takes effort. System 2 (Kahneman) answer to: What is in this situation causing x to cry (funeral)? Accurately judging a situation.
Three lenses:
1. The trust lens: are you friend or foe? Are you competent to act on those values?
2. The power lens: power = asymmetrical control over desired resources. The brains executive function is stimulated and you care more about your goals than other people.
3. The ego lens: see things in such a way that the perceiver comes out on top. How am I doing compared to others? Answer (almost always): better. If somebody is a threat depends on closeness and relevance. Example: two brothers both in the same industry competing; both relevant and close. Therefore sibling tend to chose different industries.
Cognitive miser:
The cognitive miser, you and I, take shortcuts through heuristics and assumptions.
Powerful people: instrumentality is key (or utility?) – what can you do to help the powerful person reach his/her goals? They will notice you the instant you become useful to them.
“But believe me when I tell you that powerful people by and large don’t give a damn that you think they are awesome. To really get their attention, you’ll need to let them know how you can help facilitate their continuing, increasing awesomeness. If you want them to see the real you, this is the only way.” 100
First impressions are key. But a bad impression can be overcome with great effort and radical change which forces the cognitive miser to pay attention. This is the only way somebody will revise their impression (in phase 2).
We are harder to read than we think. No one is actually an open book. We have the transparency illusion. We want to come across the way we intend to but that is rarely the case.
Warmth and competence:
“Decades of research show that they are highly tuned to two particular aspects of your character, right from the get-go - your warmth and your competence.” 67
“Perceptions of warmth and competence account for roughly 90% of the variability in whether you are perceived positively or negatively by others.” 68
Eye contact:
“Really, I can’t overstate the importance of this simple strategy. Making eye contact while speaking is, in fact, significantly correlated with IQ - and somehow, people seem to know it. Those who make eye contact are consistently judged as more intelligent. While we’re at it, easy-to-understand communication, faster speech rate, gesturing, nodding, and upright posture all lead to perceptions of greater competency, too.” 72
Confirmation bias and primacy effect:
We see what we expect to see and early impressions distort or paint an inaccurate picture of people.
Assumptions:
“Sharks are dangerous.” Think ”jaws”.
Probability of shark attack versus being hit by lightning:
10-15 per year vs. 5000 per year. Struck by lightning is thus 500 times more likely than shark attack. Or 43000 injured by toilet 2600 by room fresheners (1996 data).
1. Fast, automatic and biased, without effort. System 1 (Kahneman) answer to: What is causing x to cry? Seeking traits like: anxious, sensitive etc.
2. Discounting or correcting. Takes effort. System 2 (Kahneman) answer to: What is in this situation causing x to cry (funeral)? Accurately judging a situation.
Three lenses:
1. The trust lens: are you friend or foe? Are you competent to act on those values?
2. The power lens: power = asymmetrical control over desired resources. The brains executive function is stimulated and you care more about your goals than other people.
3. The ego lens: see things in such a way that the perceiver comes out on top. How am I doing compared to others? Answer (almost always): better. If somebody is a threat depends on closeness and relevance. Example: two brothers both in the same industry competing; both relevant and close. Therefore sibling tend to chose different industries.
Cognitive miser:
The cognitive miser, you and I, take shortcuts through heuristics and assumptions.
Powerful people: instrumentality is key (or utility?) – what can you do to help the powerful person reach his/her goals? They will notice you the instant you become useful to them.
“But believe me when I tell you that powerful people by and large don’t give a damn that you think they are awesome. To really get their attention, you’ll need to let them know how you can help facilitate their continuing, increasing awesomeness. If you want them to see the real you, this is the only way.” 100
First impressions are key. But a bad impression can be overcome with great effort and radical change which forces the cognitive miser to pay attention. This is the only way somebody will revise their impression (in phase 2).
We are harder to read than we think. No one is actually an open book. We have the transparency illusion. We want to come across the way we intend to but that is rarely the case.
Warmth and competence:
“Decades of research show that they are highly tuned to two particular aspects of your character, right from the get-go - your warmth and your competence.” 67
“Perceptions of warmth and competence account for roughly 90% of the variability in whether you are perceived positively or negatively by others.” 68
Eye contact:
“Really, I can’t overstate the importance of this simple strategy. Making eye contact while speaking is, in fact, significantly correlated with IQ - and somehow, people seem to know it. Those who make eye contact are consistently judged as more intelligent. While we’re at it, easy-to-understand communication, faster speech rate, gesturing, nodding, and upright posture all lead to perceptions of greater competency, too.” 72
Confirmation bias and primacy effect:
We see what we expect to see and early impressions distort or paint an inaccurate picture of people.
Assumptions:
“Sharks are dangerous.” Think ”jaws”.
Probability of shark attack versus being hit by lightning:
10-15 per year vs. 5000 per year. Struck by lightning is thus 500 times more likely than shark attack. Or 43000 injured by toilet 2600 by room fresheners (1996 data).
August 10, 2022
En Nadie te entiende y qué puedes hacer al respecto (No One Understands You and What to Do About It) la autora y psicóloga social Heidi Grant realiza un increíble trabajo de revisión sistemática aunando y haciendo accesibles los pilares acerca de la psicología cognitiva.
Mediante una clara recopilación de estudios experimentales, apoyados de interesantísima bibliografía, la autora va explicando desde el Sistema 1 y 2, denominados así por Kahneman, pasando por la descripción del heurístico, los atajos que toma nuestro cerebro ante tal cantidad de información, recordándonos que sin ser conscientes de ello, perdemos parte de esta información cognitiva, acuñando este fenómeno de manera original con el nombre cognitive misers (siendo algo así como perdedores cognitivos).
Siguiendo con la terminología, la autora explica de manera sencilla y con pequeños chascarrillos intercalados algunos de los sesgos más frecuentes, como el sesgo de confirmación y el efecto de primacía, acompañados de buenos ejemplos, haciendo hincapié en lo difícil que es cambiar la idea de nosotros mismos a alguien, ligándose con el estereotipo y la importancia de las primeras impresiones.
También es cierto que el libro empieza fuerte y rico en investigación para ir decayendo con el típico relleno de los tips posturales que aparecen en todos los libros de autoayuda junto a una serie de incongruencias carismáticas y subjetivas de calidez y competencia. Quizás la premisa del libro no se haya resuelto, dejando la parte de "y que hacer al respecto" en el aire, pues parece ser que no se puede hacer nada para cambiarlo.
Siguiendo con las reflexiones de la autora; las personas nos ven como esperan vernos y no podremos comprender a los demás, pues ni nosotros mismos lo hacemos atrapados en un mar de complejidad individual.
Sin contar el descarrile de algunas partes, es de los libros más completos y desmenuzados que hay acerca de las investigaciones iniciadas por Kahneman y Tversky. La riqueza del contenido se encuentra en las investigaciones y experimentos de ciertos sesgos y más acerca del estereotipo.
A pesar de no ser muy conocido, en el campo de la psicología cognitiva, es un imprescindible.
Mediante una clara recopilación de estudios experimentales, apoyados de interesantísima bibliografía, la autora va explicando desde el Sistema 1 y 2, denominados así por Kahneman, pasando por la descripción del heurístico, los atajos que toma nuestro cerebro ante tal cantidad de información, recordándonos que sin ser conscientes de ello, perdemos parte de esta información cognitiva, acuñando este fenómeno de manera original con el nombre cognitive misers (siendo algo así como perdedores cognitivos).
Siguiendo con la terminología, la autora explica de manera sencilla y con pequeños chascarrillos intercalados algunos de los sesgos más frecuentes, como el sesgo de confirmación y el efecto de primacía, acompañados de buenos ejemplos, haciendo hincapié en lo difícil que es cambiar la idea de nosotros mismos a alguien, ligándose con el estereotipo y la importancia de las primeras impresiones.
También es cierto que el libro empieza fuerte y rico en investigación para ir decayendo con el típico relleno de los tips posturales que aparecen en todos los libros de autoayuda junto a una serie de incongruencias carismáticas y subjetivas de calidez y competencia. Quizás la premisa del libro no se haya resuelto, dejando la parte de "y que hacer al respecto" en el aire, pues parece ser que no se puede hacer nada para cambiarlo.
Siguiendo con las reflexiones de la autora; las personas nos ven como esperan vernos y no podremos comprender a los demás, pues ni nosotros mismos lo hacemos atrapados en un mar de complejidad individual.
Sin contar el descarrile de algunas partes, es de los libros más completos y desmenuzados que hay acerca de las investigaciones iniciadas por Kahneman y Tversky. La riqueza del contenido se encuentra en las investigaciones y experimentos de ciertos sesgos y más acerca del estereotipo.
A pesar de no ser muy conocido, en el campo de la psicología cognitiva, es un imprescindible.
May 15, 2019
Pretty interesting read on perception. Mainly how others perceive us, but also how we perceive ourselves and how to bridge that gap and come across the way we intend to or think that we are coming across to others.
October 10, 2017
If there's anything that will get me to survive my family, it is this book. I've learned more than I thought I could and become almost normal around them.
During a difficult time trying to communicate with relatives, this is the book I read and re-read. Why don’t I come across like I want to or think I do? What can I do about it? What is wrong with my relatives and how am I going to survive another year living in close proximity to them? After reading this book, I felt like I had some good tools to get along with others. Now I need to re-read some of the sections to remember what those tools are and maybe to sharpen them up a bit, although they must have worked because I’m very happy to have the family I do now.
During a difficult time trying to communicate with relatives, this is the book I read and re-read. Why don’t I come across like I want to or think I do? What can I do about it? What is wrong with my relatives and how am I going to survive another year living in close proximity to them? After reading this book, I felt like I had some good tools to get along with others. Now I need to re-read some of the sections to remember what those tools are and maybe to sharpen them up a bit, although they must have worked because I’m very happy to have the family I do now.
October 29, 2015
This is a fantastic book for people working in the corporate, team oriented environment or for sales people. Effectively communicating your true self to others is of the utmost importance given the hectic world we all live in.
To cut through the stereotypes, pre-conceived notions and biases people must help the observer see the "true self" one is trying to convey. Great life lessons to learn.
People are complicated creatures and can drive you to drink but this book will help you put that bottle of booze down and gain clear understanding.
To cut through the stereotypes, pre-conceived notions and biases people must help the observer see the "true self" one is trying to convey. Great life lessons to learn.
People are complicated creatures and can drive you to drink but this book will help you put that bottle of booze down and gain clear understanding.
August 1, 2015
Ok book, mostly a summary of other stuff
I love Halvorson's work, but this feels a bit flat. Lots of interesting tidbits, but she worked so hard to simplify that it can be overly reductive. Not quite what I was looking for, would have been better as a series of short HBR articles.
I love Halvorson's work, but this feels a bit flat. Lots of interesting tidbits, but she worked so hard to simplify that it can be overly reductive. Not quite what I was looking for, would have been better as a series of short HBR articles.
March 31, 2016
Or, a practical guide to interpersonal biases and fixing them
Worth your time. If the title sounds like you, or a colleague, or partner, doubly so. Good practical advice, both general news specific, with citations. Recommended.
Worth your time. If the title sounds like you, or a colleague, or partner, doubly so. Good practical advice, both general news specific, with citations. Recommended.
April 24, 2018
Enjoyable read with many actionable insights. However, a couple of scientific findings that the author cites are now on shaky ground (power pose and ego depletion in particular), as psychology researchers have uncovered reproducibility setbacks in their field.
April 6, 2022
You can just read the key takeaways at the end of each chapter to get just as much out of the book as you could from reading the whole thing. Very base level info but I really should have had lower expectations going into this.
May 14, 2015
Well-researched, well-structured and well-written contemporary pop psychology guide to understanding how you come across to others (and fixing up sticky situations). Deserves a better jacket!
January 8, 2016
Way more information on how humans have terrible perception that how you can manipulate them. The more appropriate title would therefore be about half the length.
July 9, 2025
The title is misleading. If the author truly wanted to write about the content she delivered, the title should have been changed. Instead, it is an insanely shallow and pretentious book which I finished reading but sold it afterwards ASAP.
I do appreciate the "academic" research that went into the book. However, if a book is titled "No One Understands You and What to Do About It", I expect something related to language and communication. For example, a breakdown of different persona types and their preferred communication styles, how life experience shapes interpretation, and how to fine-tune and tweak one’s language to improve mutual understanding. The book "Surrounded by Idiots" would have been a great reference here.
What I did not expect was a book that largely caters to the egos of others and promotes the idea that it is our responsibility to manage how others perceive us. There are only two lenses, friend or foe, which is very black and white thinking and more pseudo- academic than actual academic at all. It is not my job to control someone else’s interpretation of me. If someone is offended because I say “Good morning” due to my manners and cultural upbringing, that is on them, not on me. The suggestion that we should alter ourselves because others feel threatened by us is not a message I support.
If I start a new job, introduce myself to colleagues, and they feel anxious because I say hello, that is not my issue, it is theirs. I understand the concept of the two interpretive lenses (foe or friend) and what the author was trying to illustrate, but the whole narrative centres around pleasing others rather than explaining how external and internal factors influence our decisions and way of reaction.
Why does no one understand me? It could be because I hold different values, cultural differences (very often by the way, especially when it comes to Germanic cultures clashing with Anglophones) or because others are shallow, jealous, or simply not as experienced or educated. They could also be introverted, meaning they love to mind their own business, whereas you are extroverted and maybe should learn to understand (and respect) that not everyone wants to be close best friends. It does not mean automatically that they are against you and therefore classified as a foe. This kind of balanced view was completely missing, nor were these examples which I have listed e.g. life experience, cultural differences, personality traits explored.
There was also no linguistic approach. Communication is a two-way street, yet the book seems to focus entirely on you being the problem — and then identifying your “opponent’s” ego and catering to it. I fundamentally disagree with this. I believe that how others see me is their responsibility, not mine.
The book could have been much more useful had it included speech analysis or discussed topics like the communication differences between e.g. extroverts and introverts who have different motivations therefore act differently which can be perceived and interpreted falsely by the opponent. That would have added real value to the overall discourse as well as fostered a more understanding, compassionate and tolerant discourse in our society.
There were barely any examples or real-life scenarios. For instance, even a short transcript of a dialogue between e.g. parents and teenagers could have illustrated internal communication barriers, such as limited vocabulary due to development, as well as external factors like generational differences or trauma. Miscommunication between men and women could have also been explored to show how easily messages get lost and trigger the wrong responses. Or culturally, German cultures (reserved, respectful perceived as cold and dismissive) vs Anglophone (chatty, loud, extroverted perceived as needy and annoying).
The section on attachment theory was excellent and actually relevant to the title. That part focused more on understanding oneself to communicate more effectively, rather than constantly interpreting and adjusting for others. That message would have been more worthwhile to develop throughout the book.
Finally, it was unclear whether this is meant to be an academic text or a self-help book. If it aims to be academic, it lacks references and depth of research. If it’s intended as a self-improvement book, it’s not written in an accessible or engaging tone. Overall way too superficial with a black and white ideology that doesn't really answer the question (book title) nor delivers adequate solutions.
I do appreciate the "academic" research that went into the book. However, if a book is titled "No One Understands You and What to Do About It", I expect something related to language and communication. For example, a breakdown of different persona types and their preferred communication styles, how life experience shapes interpretation, and how to fine-tune and tweak one’s language to improve mutual understanding. The book "Surrounded by Idiots" would have been a great reference here.
What I did not expect was a book that largely caters to the egos of others and promotes the idea that it is our responsibility to manage how others perceive us. There are only two lenses, friend or foe, which is very black and white thinking and more pseudo- academic than actual academic at all. It is not my job to control someone else’s interpretation of me. If someone is offended because I say “Good morning” due to my manners and cultural upbringing, that is on them, not on me. The suggestion that we should alter ourselves because others feel threatened by us is not a message I support.
If I start a new job, introduce myself to colleagues, and they feel anxious because I say hello, that is not my issue, it is theirs. I understand the concept of the two interpretive lenses (foe or friend) and what the author was trying to illustrate, but the whole narrative centres around pleasing others rather than explaining how external and internal factors influence our decisions and way of reaction.
Why does no one understand me? It could be because I hold different values, cultural differences (very often by the way, especially when it comes to Germanic cultures clashing with Anglophones) or because others are shallow, jealous, or simply not as experienced or educated. They could also be introverted, meaning they love to mind their own business, whereas you are extroverted and maybe should learn to understand (and respect) that not everyone wants to be close best friends. It does not mean automatically that they are against you and therefore classified as a foe. This kind of balanced view was completely missing, nor were these examples which I have listed e.g. life experience, cultural differences, personality traits explored.
There was also no linguistic approach. Communication is a two-way street, yet the book seems to focus entirely on you being the problem — and then identifying your “opponent’s” ego and catering to it. I fundamentally disagree with this. I believe that how others see me is their responsibility, not mine.
The book could have been much more useful had it included speech analysis or discussed topics like the communication differences between e.g. extroverts and introverts who have different motivations therefore act differently which can be perceived and interpreted falsely by the opponent. That would have added real value to the overall discourse as well as fostered a more understanding, compassionate and tolerant discourse in our society.
There were barely any examples or real-life scenarios. For instance, even a short transcript of a dialogue between e.g. parents and teenagers could have illustrated internal communication barriers, such as limited vocabulary due to development, as well as external factors like generational differences or trauma. Miscommunication between men and women could have also been explored to show how easily messages get lost and trigger the wrong responses. Or culturally, German cultures (reserved, respectful perceived as cold and dismissive) vs Anglophone (chatty, loud, extroverted perceived as needy and annoying).
The section on attachment theory was excellent and actually relevant to the title. That part focused more on understanding oneself to communicate more effectively, rather than constantly interpreting and adjusting for others. That message would have been more worthwhile to develop throughout the book.
Finally, it was unclear whether this is meant to be an academic text or a self-help book. If it aims to be academic, it lacks references and depth of research. If it’s intended as a self-improvement book, it’s not written in an accessible or engaging tone. Overall way too superficial with a black and white ideology that doesn't really answer the question (book title) nor delivers adequate solutions.
March 13, 2021
This year, I decided to focus on structured communication as part of my ongoing Professional Development journey and continuous learning. One of my communication aspects I wanted to learn more about is how I come across. I felt that sometimes I made a crystal clear point or I am direct with people, only to realize that it might not be perceived the same way.
This book starts with highlighting a summary of communication biases and stereotypes. It’s always helpful to remind ourselves about it because we cannot do much more about it. Awareness is a key method to uncover unconscious biases. Later reading passages are dealing with trustworthiness, eye-contact, or behavioral psychology insights. It made me think how much of these can be applied in a remote setting. When people interact via Zoom, it is just apparent that part of the message is lost. Framing can be used to steer the conversation depending on the receiver’s mental state or professional goals.
Overall, I would recommend the book as it was a fun and quick read. But don’t expect miracles, and you are probably already aware of most of the concepts. It will also not make you a better Zoom facilitator, but I plan to save some tips when things are back to normal (sic).
This book starts with highlighting a summary of communication biases and stereotypes. It’s always helpful to remind ourselves about it because we cannot do much more about it. Awareness is a key method to uncover unconscious biases. Later reading passages are dealing with trustworthiness, eye-contact, or behavioral psychology insights. It made me think how much of these can be applied in a remote setting. When people interact via Zoom, it is just apparent that part of the message is lost. Framing can be used to steer the conversation depending on the receiver’s mental state or professional goals.
Overall, I would recommend the book as it was a fun and quick read. But don’t expect miracles, and you are probably already aware of most of the concepts. It will also not make you a better Zoom facilitator, but I plan to save some tips when things are back to normal (sic).
September 8, 2019
Not as helpful as the title makes it out to be. Overall, it felt like it was overcomplicating common sense into necessary levels of steps and details. For example:
First impressions stick and people project their insecurities on you, and will attack you if you make them feel insecure.
C'mon..If you're an adult and reasonably mature, you already know this.
Didn't like:
-overall not ACTUALLY helpful in bridging the gap in how I come off
-overgeneralizes people too far, implies that EVERYONE assumes they know EVERYTHING about a random stranger at first glance. Most people I interact with aren't that simple-minded...huge overgeneralizations made me lose faith in the book's message
However, did have interesting random things along the way, like:
-the psychology behind overcoming a first impression (level 1 and level 2)
-people are more prone to change their impression when they're vulnerable or FORCED to be with you up close for awhile
-the nitty gritty breakdown of the various ways insecure people try to diminish you, and if they can't--that's when they choose to attack
First impressions stick and people project their insecurities on you, and will attack you if you make them feel insecure.
C'mon..If you're an adult and reasonably mature, you already know this.
Didn't like:
-overall not ACTUALLY helpful in bridging the gap in how I come off
-overgeneralizes people too far, implies that EVERYONE assumes they know EVERYTHING about a random stranger at first glance. Most people I interact with aren't that simple-minded...huge overgeneralizations made me lose faith in the book's message
However, did have interesting random things along the way, like:
-the psychology behind overcoming a first impression (level 1 and level 2)
-people are more prone to change their impression when they're vulnerable or FORCED to be with you up close for awhile
-the nitty gritty breakdown of the various ways insecure people try to diminish you, and if they can't--that's when they choose to attack
May 22, 2018
This is a super quick and interesting read. I enjoyed the mix of psychology with actual practical strategies to use, although by the end you realize that people are very complicated and have many different and changing lenses through which they view the world, and that any strategy is going to be fairly hit and miss. Some of the strategies that sound good on paper seem like they'd be borderline creepy if actually applied. Just "happening" to be at the same coffee shop every day at the same time as the dude that hates your guts? Yeah, that seems weird. It's also heavily focused on the working world, which is great if you think that your boss thinks you're a jerk, but less helpful if you're wondering why aunt Mabel left you off the Christmas card list this year. Overall, it's a good reminder that people see you (and you see people) not nearly as objectively as you hope, but difficult to act on without becoming the office stalker. ;-)
July 28, 2024
Solid presentation of important psychological dynamics relating to perception, behavior, and communication tips. The primary frame of trust, power, and ego was interesting both in the general conceptual model as well as the ways in which Heidi explained and developed the ideas. The first 120 pages or so shine.
For me, maybe because I was already familiar with the theory, the third act on attachment styles was of little value and hard going. Meanwhile, the fact that having an accurate sense of yourself was a hand waving four page conclusion was a strong sign that either the book should have been longer, or there should have been some sort of a rethink about its organization and editorial choices.
I do recommend this book, but, particularly if you are familiar with attachment theory, I would suggest not reading beyond part two.
For me, maybe because I was already familiar with the theory, the third act on attachment styles was of little value and hard going. Meanwhile, the fact that having an accurate sense of yourself was a hand waving four page conclusion was a strong sign that either the book should have been longer, or there should have been some sort of a rethink about its organization and editorial choices.
I do recommend this book, but, particularly if you are familiar with attachment theory, I would suggest not reading beyond part two.
September 24, 2018
Heidi Halvorson's book doesn't quite live up to it's title. It's an easy read with some nice ideas, but not deep enough to be really helpful. On the one hand she explains how stereotyping works (the famous first impressions) and how to get a second chance for evaluation. On the other hand she shows us some interesting lenses that can warp people's perceptions.
My takeaways are these: Let us all become better communicators of our own desires and of our own values. And let us all try to understand other people better before judging them. But here comes the problem: What's really missing from her book and what she explains in the final chapter reads like an apology: How to understand yourself is the real task. Because no one understands you, not even you yourself.
My takeaways are these: Let us all become better communicators of our own desires and of our own values. And let us all try to understand other people better before judging them. But here comes the problem: What's really missing from her book and what she explains in the final chapter reads like an apology: How to understand yourself is the real task. Because no one understands you, not even you yourself.
February 4, 2019
أعتقد أنه لا أحد على كوكب الارض لم يشكو من سوء فهم الاخرين له ومن صعوبة التعامل معهم ومن صعوبة تفسير نواياه وايصال ما يريده
وهذا الكتاب يشرح سبب سوء التفاهم الذي يحدث بين الناس من وجهة نظر علم النفس والاجتماع
ثم تركز الكاتبة فيما بعد على ايجاد وسائل وحلول للتعامل مع عدة أنماط من البشر منهم صاحب السلطة أو مديرك في العمل , زميلك أو الشخص الذي يتنافس معك
الاشخاص القلقيين والانطوائيين واصحاب الانا المتضخمة
بصراحة توقعت أكثر من ذلك من هذا الكتاب وكنت أريد أن أجد مزيد من الأمثلة والتوضيحات
لكن الكتاب لا بأس به لفهم كيفية تقليل المسافة بينك وبين الآخرين ومحاولة جعلهم يرونك كما ترى نفسك بصورة صحيحة وغير متحاملة
وهذا الكتاب يشرح سبب سوء التفاهم الذي يحدث بين الناس من وجهة نظر علم النفس والاجتماع
ثم تركز الكاتبة فيما بعد على ايجاد وسائل وحلول للتعامل مع عدة أنماط من البشر منهم صاحب السلطة أو مديرك في العمل , زميلك أو الشخص الذي يتنافس معك
الاشخاص القلقيين والانطوائيين واصحاب الانا المتضخمة
بصراحة توقعت أكثر من ذلك من هذا الكتاب وكنت أريد أن أجد مزيد من الأمثلة والتوضيحات
لكن الكتاب لا بأس به لفهم كيفية تقليل المسافة بينك وبين الآخرين ومحاولة جعلهم يرونك كما ترى نفسك بصورة صحيحة وغير متحاملة
March 3, 2022
there was a lot of good in this book—i especially liked how types of bias were broken down—but i just feel like it came short of doing what the title promised it would do. i kept waiting for more depth and detail on what to do about perception, beyond just asking people you know for feedback about how you come across.
to be fair, i can’t imagine what that would even look like—which is precisely why this book intrigued me so much. i just, on the whole, wish there had been one more level of depth/concrete advice, because there was a lot of great background research in here. overall a fun, interesting read—just not quite what i hoped for.
to be fair, i can’t imagine what that would even look like—which is precisely why this book intrigued me so much. i just, on the whole, wish there had been one more level of depth/concrete advice, because there was a lot of great background research in here. overall a fun, interesting read—just not quite what i hoped for.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 129 reviews