Estranged: How Strained Female Friendships Are Mended or Ended

by Susan Shapiro Barash

When life gets hard, we turn to our female friends. Husbands, partners, and jobs come and go, but close friendships are our bedrock. Until they're not.

What happens when these bonds sabotage instead of support? Who among us has the courage to walk away? And how can we protect ourselves from further heartbreak?

Susan Shapiro Barash takes a deep dive into the complexities of female friendships. By peeling back the societal narrative that our friendships are meant to last forever, she uncovers a more nuanced the closest bonds do falter. Through groundbreaking research and 150 interviews with women ranging in age from 20-80, Barash reveals an emerging trend - estrangement among female friends.

Estranged is an eye-opening investigation/practical guide for women navigating murky waters of suboptimal friendships. The book sheds light on unspoken pain of estrangement-both for the "estranger" who walks away and the "estrangee" who is left behind. Amid candid confessions of betrayal and grief, Barash challenges women to reimagine their friendships and take the bold step of letting go when necessary.

This cutting-edge book offers an empowering path learning to prioritize self-worth, stability and authenticity over loyalty to friendships that no longer serve us.

Kindle Edition

Published April 1, 2025

About the author

Susan Shapiro Barash is an established writer of thirteen nonfiction women’s issue books including, TRIPPING THE PROM QUEEN, TOXIC FRIENDS and YOU’RE GROUNDED FOREVER BUT FIRST LET’S GO SHOPPING and fiction under her pen name Susannah Marren. Her novels, BETWEEN THE TIDES, A PALM BEACH WIFE, and A PALM BEACH SCANDAL are available now.

Her books focus on the gender divide, how women are positioned in our society and their innermost feelings about themselves as daughters, mothers, sisters, friends, wives, mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law, rivals, colleagues and lovers.

Susan has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Post, The Chicago Tribune, Elle, ‘O’, and Marie Claire. She has appeared on national television including The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC. She has been a guest on NPR and Sirius Radio and speaking appearances include Credit Suisse, Bayer Diagnostics, UBS, United Way and the Society of the Four Arts. Several of her titles have been optioned by Lifetime and HBO.

For over two decades she has taught in the Writing Department at Marymount Manhattan College and has guest taught in the Writing Institute at Sarah Lawrence College. She has served as a literary panelist for the New York State Council on the Arts, as a judge for the International Emmys and as Vice Chair of the Mentoring Committee of the Women’s Leadership Board at the JFK School of Government, Harvard.



Follow her on Facebook and Twitter
and Instagram @susanshapirobarash
for updates and additional writings.

Reviews

[Tina Panik · Rating 4 out of 5]

The perfect took to confirm you’re not crazy, or imaging what has changed in your female friendships.

[Ettianna Roscoe · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was disappointed by this book. I was hoping for an enlightened dive into the psychology behind rifts in female friendships supported by case studies and instead I got a hundred short quotations from completely random women with no context or background to make them meaningful. Each chapter does one deep dive into a singular friendship, and if it wasn’t for this I would have given up on this book because there is no narrative. It reads like a college essay based on weak and cherry-picked evidence.

Another criticism is I found this book very representative of my mother’s generation (Baby Boomers). The things many of these women were worried about (divorce ruining their social standing, women not being rich enough to be their friends, etc.) is so alien to my life as a liberal millennial I had a hard time relating to them.

The majority of women profiled obviously struggle to communicate with their female friends. Again this reminds me very much of my mother’s generation and not of my own, which can be almost too obsessed with us communicating our feelings to each other. To me then the solution is simply communication, not estrangement or ending the friendship, which is presented as a revolutionary solution by the author.

She also claims that women are only now finding their voices to end friendships which made me actually laugh out loud. The elders from the Silent Generation in my family were the queens of estrangement. They had no emotional coping skills so severing friendships of decades was the only way they knew how to cope. I don’t see this being nearly as relevant in my generation, and I definitely don’t see it as something positive or to be encouraged.

Another thing that bothered me was the case study of Chapter 5, about a woman who spills her friend’s secret that the friend’s child is not her husband’s. This chapter is titled “The Disparaging Friend” and the friend who hid the paternity of her child from her husband (May Lynn) goes on to disparage the friend who told the secret (Sarah) for ruining her life. She takes no accountability for cheating and lying to her husband, and just rants how Sarah is the reason her husband left her and why her marriage was ruined. The author supports this (!!) and calls Sarah the Disparaging Friend. I’m sorry, what? How is Sarah the villain here? May Lynn is obviously a narcissist and a clueless one at that, saying “I was very surprised that my husband would not stay with me and said it was over. I know what I did is bad but we could have had a nice life together.”

Once again the Boomer perception that this book is written from just kills me. No one my age would ever argue that Sarah is the bad person here, we would say May Lynn is a gaslighting sociopath who doesn’t take any responsibility for her actions and how they hurt people, and that Sarah is better off without her.

I heard about this book on the GWF podcast and bought it because I was having a conflict with my best friend at the time and it felt like a message from the universe to hear about a book on this subject at the same time. In the end I don’t think Corinne nor Krystyna actually read it because to me it doesn’t align with the voice of the podcast at all.

I would recommend this book to my mom as I could see it being relevant to her and her friends of the same age, but not to anyone Gen X or younger. It left me feeling extremely confident that becoming estranged was not the solution for me and my friend, because our communication skills are miles ahead of the women profiled in this book and indeed we managed to work through things.

So that is the silver lining and why I give it three stars instead of two, because in a way it did help me by making me realize that I am lucky to have emotional coping skills (thanks to many years of therapy) that most women in this book seem to lack, and that that is a gift in and of itself that I shouldn’t take lightly.

[sunandareads · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciated that this book pulled from the lived experiences of so many women and their complicated and very real relationships. However, because there were so many people’s stories that featured so heavily through the book, it felt hard to keep track of each person & each story requires the reader to once again get contextualized to this specific person’s experience.

If there were just a handful of examples (or perhaps just the final longer case study that’s featured at the end of each chapter), that would have been a lovely way to add color and context to all of the other research and insights. There were too many stories and each vignette felt a little too long and needed a little too much context to fully parse.

If you are looking for a book that dives deep into a very specific lived experience—of women’s estranged relationships with female friends—and are looking to see yourself reflected in the pages of a text, this might be a good fit.

If you are looking for an overview of the theory, literature, and research on female friendships and the psychology of estrangement, with some qualitative narrative peppered in, this is not that.

Overall, I’m glad to see that a thoughtful and detailed exploration of this slice of female friendship exists and has been so thoroughly explored and analyzed.

I don’t think this book was for me, but I do think others may enjoy the many rich vignettes!

(Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for early access to this book.)

[Aoife · Rating 3 out of 5]

In many cases we find it easier ending a romantic relationship that’s no longer beneficial or working for us than a truly toxic friendship. This book explores that outlook, looking at submitted stories of real friendships (from both sides/viewpoints) that surpassed expiration dates, withstood struggles and crashed and burned. Shapiro-Barash bares all from friendship threesomes, idolspizing, frenemies to relationship remorse and how we deserve better in both our romantic relationships and friendships.

Estranged: How Strained Female Friendships are Mended or Ended came out this week on April 1st. Thank you so much to NetGalley and Meridian Editions for this early copy.

[Lisa girlsinbooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Estranged uses research from experts and the testimonies of real-life women to discuss the repercussions and disadvantages of estranged female relationships.

The chapter I enjoyed the most was Successful Estrangements because sometimes I think I miss my friend, but other women’s stories in this section helped me understand that I miss the idea of friendship- belly laughs at late night convos and getting dressed up for a girls night out - but not the actual friend because she was unreliable.

Thank you to the author for my gifted copy.

[Hillary · Rating 2 out of 5]

The good: This book made me think back over the years to relationships I had with friends. It made me think quite a bit, reviewing what happened, how and why. It was fairly interesting to read other women's stories, as well.

The not-so-good: The writing was clunky. Certain word choices were odd, there were grammatical errors, incomplete thoughts, punctuation errors, verb tenses. At one point, an interviewee is named Jodi...and then Jody in the same paragraph! I wonder if anybody edited the book. Very distracting.

[Katie Schaffstall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Estranged by Susan Shapiro Barash is an extremely interesting read about the complexities of female friendships. Barash interviewed a wide range of women with varying experiences that will make readers look at the female relationships in their lives. I highly recommend and believe that all readers will be able to take something from this book.

[Kendall J. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book put words to an experience I didn’t realize I was still grieving. Female friendship breakups are rarely discussed with honesty, and Estranged finally gives them the seriousness they deserve. Susan Shapiro Barash approaches this topic with empathy, intelligence, and courage. I felt seen on nearly every page.

Kendall

[Maura Danehey · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fantastically researched book that offers great future reading resources. I went in with expectations for something slightly different that offered more advice on how to rebuild relationships, but I appreciate the author's thoroughness and intention.

[Rhea London · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t expect this book to be so validating. I’ve carried guilt for years over distancing myself from a close friend, and this book helped me understand that choosing peace is not cruelty. It’s self-respect. Deeply insightful and beautifully written.

[Mira Madison · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “What happened to us?” about a friendship, this book is for you. The interviews feel raw and real, and the psychological insights are grounding rather than clinical. This is a book I’ll return to.

[Serelina Cole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Estranged explores a kind of heartbreak we don’t talk about enough. Susan Shapiro Barash doesn’t villainize women, she explains them. This book helped me understand both my former friends and myself with more compassion.

[Grace Gregory · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this felt like sitting in a room with women finally telling the truth. The stories are nuanced, uncomfortable at times, and incredibly relatable. A necessary book for women at any stage of life.

[Grace Makaidawa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this ten years ago. It would have saved me so much self-doubt. Susan Shapiro Barash reminds us that friendships are living relationships, they grow, shift, and sometimes end. And that doesn’t make us failures.

[Sylvia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was so interested in the subject and so disappointed in the execution. It was disjointed, poorly written, uneven and poorly conceived. What a waste of a potentially fascinating topic.

[Mandy C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a book about blaming or bitterness. It’s about clarity. I appreciated how the author normalizes friendship endings without glamorizing them. It’s honest, mature, and deeply humane.