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432 pages, Hardcover
First published November 11, 2014
My future appeared to me as a landscape suddenly revealed by the cresting of a hill. It wasn't grim but it was barren and it sprawled endlessly beyond the curve of the horizon. It was a scalding moment, delusions scoured from the surface of reality. Solitude and celibacy, I thought. And, I had to admit, under the alcoholic anesthetic, it didn't feel all that bad. Even if I reframed the words -- made them, say, abandonment and isolation -- they still described a kind of freedom. I remember stumbling to bed that night in that paradoxical state of peace that comes with knowing you have nothing left to lose.