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Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture
Is Your Sex Life Normal?
Boy meets girl. The connection is electric. They fall in love, marry and have amazing sex. Soon there are children, and then grandchildren. They grow old, loving one another for the rest of their lives.
What’s wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing, if you are one of the relatively small group of people whose lives work out this way.
What’s wrong is that we’ve defined this as “normal,” which makes most of us “abnormal.”
In The New Sex, Dr. Chris Donaghue describes the holes in society’s definition of “normal,” taking a sharp eye to institutions such as marriage, cheating, virginity, identity, and sexual orientation. He also examines all the ways that accepting society’s “truths” have led to the demise of long-term relationships and sexual pleasure. All of this misinformation is showing up in your bedroom and preventing you from having the sex life you’re entitled to.
In Donaghue’s years of training in sex and couples therapy, he has developed highly successful methods for freeing clients from sexual hang-ups, enabling them to let go of shame and embarrassment. Donaghue pulls apart cultural phobias with a “sex positive” therapy practice, a kind of sexual deprograming that helps people see and accept the desires they have—even if they don’t align with societal expectations—are really natural, healthy, and part of having a great sex life.
Boy meets girl. The connection is electric. They fall in love, marry and have amazing sex. Soon there are children, and then grandchildren. They grow old, loving one another for the rest of their lives.
What’s wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing, if you are one of the relatively small group of people whose lives work out this way.
What’s wrong is that we’ve defined this as “normal,” which makes most of us “abnormal.”
In The New Sex, Dr. Chris Donaghue describes the holes in society’s definition of “normal,” taking a sharp eye to institutions such as marriage, cheating, virginity, identity, and sexual orientation. He also examines all the ways that accepting society’s “truths” have led to the demise of long-term relationships and sexual pleasure. All of this misinformation is showing up in your bedroom and preventing you from having the sex life you’re entitled to.
In Donaghue’s years of training in sex and couples therapy, he has developed highly successful methods for freeing clients from sexual hang-ups, enabling them to let go of shame and embarrassment. Donaghue pulls apart cultural phobias with a “sex positive” therapy practice, a kind of sexual deprograming that helps people see and accept the desires they have—even if they don’t align with societal expectations—are really natural, healthy, and part of having a great sex life.
256 pages, Hardcover
First published April 14, 2015
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
October 30, 2015
I was somewhat blindsided by this book, the selection du jour of a bookclub I joined. It's a book that advocates many positions I'm sympathetic to--for instance, that it's OK for people to have adventurous sex lives and engage in casual sex, if that's their bag; that "slut-shaming" is abhorrent; that sex work should be decriminalized; that nonmonogamous relationships are valid; that sex and gender and identity are often resistant to labelling and we shouldn't enforce labels or valorize certain ones over the other by cultural default.
But. Dig a little deeper in the book and things get uglier.
- an entire section, "Honesty Is Not the Best Policy", that defends cheating on your partner and lying about it. (So, nope, this book is not a good resource for anyone interested in "ethical nonmonogamy" or polyamory.)
- an attack on the idea of "safe space": "To fully express your sexuality does not endanger anyone, damage anyone, or make spaces unsafe" (p13)
- the assertion that a person in a monogamous marriage who doesn't put out enough for their partner is "sexually abusive" (p79)
- a sympathetic paraphrase of the MRA screed "The Myth of Male Power: Why Men Are the Disposable Sex" (pp156-57)
- the occasional use of words like "discrimination" and "sexism" to refer to what women do to men, rather than men do to women.
I could go on. But basically, the book's "sex-positivity" looks awfully like a defence of male sexual entitlement, even if a lot of it is cast in supposedly gender-neutral terms.
Sometimes books with questionable moral frameworks offer enough localized insights that you can cherrypick the good stuff. (For instance, I know a lot of people in the sex-positive community who are big fans of "The Five Love Languages" even though they reject its insistence on monogamous Christian marriage--because its core idea does give them useful tools for dealing with relationships.) But there's just nothing here that you can't get elsewhere in smarter, better written, more coherent, more useful form.
But. Dig a little deeper in the book and things get uglier.
- an entire section, "Honesty Is Not the Best Policy", that defends cheating on your partner and lying about it. (So, nope, this book is not a good resource for anyone interested in "ethical nonmonogamy" or polyamory.)
- an attack on the idea of "safe space": "To fully express your sexuality does not endanger anyone, damage anyone, or make spaces unsafe" (p13)
- the assertion that a person in a monogamous marriage who doesn't put out enough for their partner is "sexually abusive" (p79)
- a sympathetic paraphrase of the MRA screed "The Myth of Male Power: Why Men Are the Disposable Sex" (pp156-57)
- the occasional use of words like "discrimination" and "sexism" to refer to what women do to men, rather than men do to women.
I could go on. But basically, the book's "sex-positivity" looks awfully like a defence of male sexual entitlement, even if a lot of it is cast in supposedly gender-neutral terms.
Sometimes books with questionable moral frameworks offer enough localized insights that you can cherrypick the good stuff. (For instance, I know a lot of people in the sex-positive community who are big fans of "The Five Love Languages" even though they reject its insistence on monogamous Christian marriage--because its core idea does give them useful tools for dealing with relationships.) But there's just nothing here that you can't get elsewhere in smarter, better written, more coherent, more useful form.
August 10, 2015
I got a whole 13% into this one. And that was probably about 10% further than I knew I should have gone.
I guess what I was looking for in this book was a more professional treatise on modern sexuality, delving into why shaming and repression occurs. That's what the description said to me anyway.
What I got was paragraph after paragraph of gross generalizations. The worst ones were the rants about therapists (no supporting evidence, just a rant) who he saw as trying to fit everyone who came to their office into a box. I have no idea about the validity of his argument, but reading a tell-off of a profession the author looked down on wasn't enjoyable and just made the author come off looking like a know-it-all child.
The thing that really killed this book for me though were the several allusions to how cheaters were actually the healthy people in society because they were showing an embrace of their sexuality. Yeah... He says that since divorce and cheating rates are so high, there must be something wrong with society and not the individuals. I just can't even.
The one quote I thought was spot on: "The idea that somehow it's your fault that you have certain sexual proclivities leads to victim blaming, as individuals are held responsible for not meeting cultural standards." I didn't agree with how he was using the concept, which is totally a subjective issue on my end, but that idea is a strong one.
Between that and the willy-nilly throwing around of words like "stupidity" and "ridiculous" to describe concepts outside his worldview, I decided this book was his personal circle-jerk, and that I would not get anything out of had I finished.
Copy courtesy of BenBella Books, via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review
I guess what I was looking for in this book was a more professional treatise on modern sexuality, delving into why shaming and repression occurs. That's what the description said to me anyway.
What I got was paragraph after paragraph of gross generalizations. The worst ones were the rants about therapists (no supporting evidence, just a rant) who he saw as trying to fit everyone who came to their office into a box. I have no idea about the validity of his argument, but reading a tell-off of a profession the author looked down on wasn't enjoyable and just made the author come off looking like a know-it-all child.
The thing that really killed this book for me though were the several allusions to how cheaters were actually the healthy people in society because they were showing an embrace of their sexuality. Yeah... He says that since divorce and cheating rates are so high, there must be something wrong with society and not the individuals. I just can't even.
The one quote I thought was spot on: "The idea that somehow it's your fault that you have certain sexual proclivities leads to victim blaming, as individuals are held responsible for not meeting cultural standards." I didn't agree with how he was using the concept, which is totally a subjective issue on my end, but that idea is a strong one.
Between that and the willy-nilly throwing around of words like "stupidity" and "ridiculous" to describe concepts outside his worldview, I decided this book was his personal circle-jerk, and that I would not get anything out of had I finished.
Copy courtesy of BenBella Books, via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review
April 19, 2016
Donaghue has a great many points I agree with, but the delivery is hamfisted at best, and there are more gross generalizations that I'd think would fit in a book this length. The amount of repetition was staggering, each rant circled back to the ones before. This book needed a wise editor to say, "Chris, what you have here is a really nice magazine article."
October 12, 2017
So many issues with this book. For one (and confirmed by author when I asked him on Twitter) there is a dire lack of illustrative case studies to illustrate the preachy prescriptiveness we get here. There is little in the way of helping one navigate any anxiety questioning sexual and romantic assumptions involve not to mention guidance or suggestions or even exercises. Two, for a book called Sex Outside the Lines I had to read a lot about straight people. When he gets to gay people it’s to berate is for having an identity in the first place without ever acknowledging why these identities are useful or necessary or for some of us desired. Three, he’s obsessed with sex addiction and erectile dysfunction. It seems it’s the only time he gets specific about anything. Four, his dismissal of sexual harassment is problematic. I learned a couple good things, but this was not the book I wanted it to be.
October 29, 2015
The sad thing is that I've been active in bringing some of the changes the author champions and, if this was an opinion article of a couple of pages instead, I would probably nod and quote them.
So when I heard the author recently promoting the book on Sex Nerd Sandra podcast I thought "this sounds interesting!"
Unfortunately the book comes across more like a repetitive 7h long rant from the author than an actual treaty on the subject. Which is sad because it completely drowns the occasional insight that could make this a worthwhile read.
Instead, I dropped it 25% in.
So when I heard the author recently promoting the book on Sex Nerd Sandra podcast I thought "this sounds interesting!"
Unfortunately the book comes across more like a repetitive 7h long rant from the author than an actual treaty on the subject. Which is sad because it completely drowns the occasional insight that could make this a worthwhile read.
Instead, I dropped it 25% in.
November 10, 2015
I had high hopes for this book, but I was pretty disappointed. A lot of dubious claims without much backing. The majority of citations are just quotes pulled from papers to make a minor point, while the author's actual assertions remain un-cited and without evidence. I don't feel that I have learned much other than the author's opinion.
I do like the content, so if future editions add more evidence it could turn into a pretty good book.
I do like the content, so if future editions add more evidence it could turn into a pretty good book.
April 21, 2016
I somehow stuck with him through his over the top defense of cheating, and only gave up on this 149 pages in, right at "We have journeyed from penis to posthuman cyborg 'phallus'" like wtaf.
October 4, 2015
Chris Donaghue’s Sex Outside the Lines: Authentic Sexuality in a Sexually Dysfunctional Culture is very eloquently written. Donaghue book is very concise and easy to read. It’s a thorough and in-depth look at how society’s view on sex is harming both men and women. Donaghue leaves reader’s feeling empowered and ready to reclaim their sexuality. The text commands that we, as a society, need to deconstruct our view on sexuality. Society need to embrace sexual diversity and sexual freedom. Once a society can embrace these things, a lot of sexually problems would cease to exist.
I received an advance reader copy of this book thanks to Netgalley, in exchange for my honest and insightful review.
I received an advance reader copy of this book thanks to Netgalley, in exchange for my honest and insightful review.
January 25, 2018
I'm torn about this book. I like many of the ideas espoused by the author but he's walking a slippery slope. Some of his ideas could be used in really evil ways; cheating as opposed to ethical non monogamy, redefining sexual harassment and other ideas that he preaches as "freedom" but, as a woman in our current society, concern me as furthering rape culture.
The author has really important ideas about erotic diversity and justice too. So I'm not sure how to feel about it overall.
On a style note, this book reads like a dissertation. The layperson will never be able to get through this highly academic book. Someone needs to write a more colloquial version for the masses.
The author has really important ideas about erotic diversity and justice too. So I'm not sure how to feel about it overall.
On a style note, this book reads like a dissertation. The layperson will never be able to get through this highly academic book. Someone needs to write a more colloquial version for the masses.
November 8, 2015
It's refreshing to read such a sex positive book. Unfortunately we live in a world that has become very sex conservative, so this book and its views are a fresh breath of air. I highly recommend it
August 19, 2019
I agree with him on many of his positions, and I really wanted to at least like this book, but I just can't...
In multiple places, this book isn't coherent, it's repetitive, and contains some gross generalizations.
One example:
Despite his own dating rules (at the end of the book, he has a list of 13 rules), he also, in another part of the book, says to "Get rid of any guide or program for how to date." Coherency is not one of his strong suits.
The final nail in the coffin for me, was his pathologizing of loners and introverts (of which I am one).
He does this in multiple places. One example is, again, his dating rules:
At the end of the book, he has a list called "The New Rules For Dating". Number 5 on the list says this:
First of all, having a "solid group of good friends" is in no way a guarantee for being psychologically healthy or not being "limited in development".
Secondly, having no friends or maybe only one or two good friends, is in no way indicative of being "limited in development". Especially for introverts, it is not "required to have many others to share and experience life with", and in it self, doesn't say anything about our skills for making and maintaining friendships. What if you just don't want to have a lot of friends?
Also, seriously, you have to "have a career you love" - not just like, but love - before you are "solid enough to date and be dated"? How many people did he just exclude from dating? So dating is only for the extroverted "elite", who have a career that they love?
So just no, this book, which erases at least 1/3 - 1/2 of the population (introverts) through narrow-minded thinking, like "the friend standard", is a mess and probably not worth your time.
In multiple places, this book isn't coherent, it's repetitive, and contains some gross generalizations.
One example:
Despite his own dating rules (at the end of the book, he has a list of 13 rules), he also, in another part of the book, says to "Get rid of any guide or program for how to date." Coherency is not one of his strong suits.
The final nail in the coffin for me, was his pathologizing of loners and introverts (of which I am one).
He does this in multiple places. One example is, again, his dating rules:
'I taught my group the "Dr. Donaghue 3-Point Rule of Dating Readiness": Date once you have a solid group of friends, you have a career you love, and you are happy. Then you know you are solid enough to date and be dated.' (Chapter 5)
At the end of the book, he has a list called "The New Rules For Dating". Number 5 on the list says this:
"Date only if you have a solid group of good friends. If not, you will misuse your partner as your sole social outlet. Healthy others will buckle under the weight of the expectations of being everything to you. It is appropriate and required to have many others to share and experience life with. People with limited relationships (of all categories) are limited in development. If you do not have the skills required for making and maintaining friendships, you definitely do not have the skills required for dating."
First of all, having a "solid group of good friends" is in no way a guarantee for being psychologically healthy or not being "limited in development".
Secondly, having no friends or maybe only one or two good friends, is in no way indicative of being "limited in development". Especially for introverts, it is not "required to have many others to share and experience life with", and in it self, doesn't say anything about our skills for making and maintaining friendships. What if you just don't want to have a lot of friends?
"... based on what they see, they say we lack friends. Thus we lack value. And by this standard alone, the friend standard, our characters are assassinated universally. It is all a mistake."
// Anneli Rufus, Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto
"Whether you meet someone online or live, you'll find a better match if you give room to your desire, and you clarify what you want. This requires a huge shift away from our proximity-oriented, "love the one you're with" thinking. For extroverts, who enjoy associating, getting to know a lot of people is not a problem - in fact, it's part of the fun. For introverts, who have limited energy for interaction, we need to be more thoughtful and deliberate about whom we meet - which, happily, is what we do best."
// Laurie A. Helgoe, Introvert Power: Why Your Inner Life Is Your Hidden Strength
Also, seriously, you have to "have a career you love" - not just like, but love - before you are "solid enough to date and be dated"? How many people did he just exclude from dating? So dating is only for the extroverted "elite", who have a career that they love?
So just no, this book, which erases at least 1/3 - 1/2 of the population (introverts) through narrow-minded thinking, like "the friend standard", is a mess and probably not worth your time.
May 9, 2018
This book is a little different from what I thought it would be. I thought it would at least spend some time on sexual identity but that was not the case..
Okay, so, I did agree with parts of this book but there are chunks that I rolled my eyes at and turned the page. This book offers no advice on how to deal with relationship problems that revolve around sex; instead, it puts sex on a pedestal and shit talks monogamy (which I admit isn't for everyone tho again, the book offers no advice on how to implement this type of relationship).
Donaghue goes so far as to say that "...for those choosing the option of sexual monogamy, it is sexually abusive and aggressive to want to own your partner's sexuality and to be their only source of partnered sex, but then refuse to have sex with them." Pg 79.
I'm assuming that the author thinks it's okay to say no to sex sometimes but if one partner never wants to have sex and doesn't allow their partner to have sex with anyone else, then that person is abusive? How about "incompatible" or "unhealthy" or should suggest the couple seek therapy?
He also talks about cheating in a way I don't agree with, as if cheating is the fault of the victim and that it is sometimes okay to not tell your partner if you cheated.
The author also makes gross generalizations about therapists and counselors. Again and again, he says "Most counselors...." and doesn't reference or site anything. He just generalizes that they are anti-sex.
He seems to focus mostly on heterosexual relationships and bash identities and "isms." I get that he wants to remove gender from culture because it is often used to create gender stereotypes that are harmful, etc., but there are people who rely on labels so that they can better understand themselves and explain themselves if they feel the need to do so.
I don't really understand what he meant when he briefly brought up "vaginismus." He was discussing how sexual disorders don't exist but vaginismus is for real, bro. Yes, it may be more psychological than physical, but don't dismiss it.
Also, I'm pretty sure he gave a thumbs up to using sex to advance one's career. I mean, what the hell?
But like I said, I did agree with parts of the book (Boo gender stereotypes! Boo cultural/social norms!), but he did a terrible job of making any good points and didn't give any advice. Yes, sex is healthy and sexual exploration can be healthy, but everyone is different. Give it a rest.
Okay, so, I did agree with parts of this book but there are chunks that I rolled my eyes at and turned the page. This book offers no advice on how to deal with relationship problems that revolve around sex; instead, it puts sex on a pedestal and shit talks monogamy (which I admit isn't for everyone tho again, the book offers no advice on how to implement this type of relationship).
Donaghue goes so far as to say that "...for those choosing the option of sexual monogamy, it is sexually abusive and aggressive to want to own your partner's sexuality and to be their only source of partnered sex, but then refuse to have sex with them." Pg 79.
I'm assuming that the author thinks it's okay to say no to sex sometimes but if one partner never wants to have sex and doesn't allow their partner to have sex with anyone else, then that person is abusive? How about "incompatible" or "unhealthy" or should suggest the couple seek therapy?
He also talks about cheating in a way I don't agree with, as if cheating is the fault of the victim and that it is sometimes okay to not tell your partner if you cheated.
The author also makes gross generalizations about therapists and counselors. Again and again, he says "Most counselors...." and doesn't reference or site anything. He just generalizes that they are anti-sex.
He seems to focus mostly on heterosexual relationships and bash identities and "isms." I get that he wants to remove gender from culture because it is often used to create gender stereotypes that are harmful, etc., but there are people who rely on labels so that they can better understand themselves and explain themselves if they feel the need to do so.
I don't really understand what he meant when he briefly brought up "vaginismus." He was discussing how sexual disorders don't exist but vaginismus is for real, bro. Yes, it may be more psychological than physical, but don't dismiss it.
Also, I'm pretty sure he gave a thumbs up to using sex to advance one's career. I mean, what the hell?
But like I said, I did agree with parts of the book (Boo gender stereotypes! Boo cultural/social norms!), but he did a terrible job of making any good points and didn't give any advice. Yes, sex is healthy and sexual exploration can be healthy, but everyone is different. Give it a rest.
April 24, 2018
I read this book because Conner Habib told me to! I guess he's friends with the author. I didn't like this book. I don't think Donahue is a good writer. I like that he's trying to deconstruct cultural beliefs around sexuality where stigma is concerned mainly (related to non normative sexuality, gender or relationship style)--this is all good by me. However, beyond that here are just lots of silly things here. I understand his assertion that there's no such thing as 'sex addiction'--but the fact is some people experience sex in an addictive way, or feel their sexual behaviours are making their lives unmanageable. He sort of takes libertarianism too far--like valuing the ideology over people's lived experience. He feels that all forms are sexual pathology are just expressions of puritanism, and maybe that's an interesting idea but I think lots of people are distressed by sexual behaviours and it's not because they're prudes. I don't think he really understands Foucault that well, and he doesn't really get into Foucault's ideas about repressed sexuality in the Victorian age. He drops quotes from all sorts of theorists into his work, with nothing in the way of context or appropriate explanation--like he uses established academics and theorists to bolster his own ideas, which may not be quite what the author intended. He also endorses cheating as a way to get sexual needs met, and it's just hard to get behind that, knowing how much pain deception causes in relationships. It's like he's purely ideological and has no real analysis of people's problematic behaviours. :(
April 30, 2018
I was excited to hear about the "Open-minded" approach in this book in the beginning. After Chapter 4 it was very obvious that the author did not enjoy "Vanilla" sex and I stopped reading after arousal due to children was brought up. I am not that open minded.
January 22, 2023
He tells it like it is.I like this book because he calls bs on a lot of the old school though of oh just wait till you get married to have sex like what I was told my how life just over all a good book
December 3, 2018
For me having a conservative background this book was a revelation and a long-waited affirmation of my relationship with the sex topics. But I can imagine how it can be just a sweet repetition of a well-known stuff if you grew up in an open-minded environment without a strong taboo. The author proclaims freedom for all sorts of consensual sex relationships and play. For him most "non-normative" (stated by main-stream) behavior is an act of confidence and health as it is healthy people who choose their own trajectories and distinct lifestyles. It is up to a person to behave righteously according to the set of rules, values and boundaries that they set for themselves. Basically there is nothing like sex addiction or queer behavior or any other deviation, it is what is right for you. Author stays against any marginalization of people based on the type of relationships they choose or the reason why they choose it ("There is no right reason for sex. They are all good!").
Also definition of sex finally gets a more wholesome approach. Author starts from showing the possible dangers of lacking experience, describes different constellations, configurations of relationships and enlists what besides condoms can be referred as a safe sex, including dildos, webcams, role playing, etc - something that should be included in the basic sex ed but I suspect even nowadays does not.
As a cherry on top I see the dating rules offered by the author in one of the chapters where he is talking about necessity not to enter "the game" if you are 1) not happy 2) lacking friendship and support 3) not ready to be vulnerable and possibly hurt (There are many other rules, it's just I've seen so many times how these basic ones where not met... sigh...). Big thanks to the author to formalize it and express in such a simple form. I think everyone adult should just agree to this - otherwise dating becomes a mess.
I also see some tendency in the book for strongly advocating open relationships. It is forgivable. Overall it's a great well-written and informative read.
Also definition of sex finally gets a more wholesome approach. Author starts from showing the possible dangers of lacking experience, describes different constellations, configurations of relationships and enlists what besides condoms can be referred as a safe sex, including dildos, webcams, role playing, etc - something that should be included in the basic sex ed but I suspect even nowadays does not.
As a cherry on top I see the dating rules offered by the author in one of the chapters where he is talking about necessity not to enter "the game" if you are 1) not happy 2) lacking friendship and support 3) not ready to be vulnerable and possibly hurt (There are many other rules, it's just I've seen so many times how these basic ones where not met... sigh...). Big thanks to the author to formalize it and express in such a simple form. I think everyone adult should just agree to this - otherwise dating becomes a mess.
I also see some tendency in the book for strongly advocating open relationships. It is forgivable. Overall it's a great well-written and informative read.
March 16, 2020
DNF at 23%. I agree with many of the points in the book, but the broad generalizations and tone were too much for me.
One specific thing I'd like to point out is the use of "alternative sexualities" (aka paraphilias) and the lack of a conversation about CONSENT in reference to them. For example, voyeurism and exhibitionism are by definition nonconsensual, but many people use the terms to reference similar, consensual acts. It is not just as a point of sex negativity that we as a society characterize nonconsensual sexual acts as forbidden and ultimately harmful, and I think the author missed many opportunities to talk with nuance about these individual forms of sexual expression. Some paraphilias (like pedophilia) are inherently nonconsensual, but some others are (for example, crossdressing and fetishism) likely to not be problematic. I'm sure he was just making an attempt at a good faith argument, but in that case for whom is he writing this book? Instead of focusing on specific acts, genders, body types, etc., I feel consent should be the focus of creating enjoyable sexual experiences. I believe the author knows and could have said as much, but he didn't mention consent in the first 60 pages of the book, and I gave up.
One specific thing I'd like to point out is the use of "alternative sexualities" (aka paraphilias) and the lack of a conversation about CONSENT in reference to them. For example, voyeurism and exhibitionism are by definition nonconsensual, but many people use the terms to reference similar, consensual acts. It is not just as a point of sex negativity that we as a society characterize nonconsensual sexual acts as forbidden and ultimately harmful, and I think the author missed many opportunities to talk with nuance about these individual forms of sexual expression. Some paraphilias (like pedophilia) are inherently nonconsensual, but some others are (for example, crossdressing and fetishism) likely to not be problematic. I'm sure he was just making an attempt at a good faith argument, but in that case for whom is he writing this book? Instead of focusing on specific acts, genders, body types, etc., I feel consent should be the focus of creating enjoyable sexual experiences. I believe the author knows and could have said as much, but he didn't mention consent in the first 60 pages of the book, and I gave up.
January 24, 2018
3.5 stars. There are some provocative ideas and propositions in this book, and something to offend almost everyone, whether you believe in monogamy or ethical non-monogamy.
Disclaimer: I'm acquainted with the author via social media.
The writing style is a little aggressive, almost as if it's carrying on an argument, and dude, we were on the same side! I felt like some of the claims made weren't as well documented, and other points were hammered on over and over again. Yes, masturbation is healthy, we get it! The biggest take away for me was the call-to-action to throw away artificial barriers as to what is healthy in romantic and sexual relationships. That "normal" is not what anyone should be striving for, but equanimity among all partners, or happiness while unpartnered. This would be most useful to someone just beginning to explore the idea of "sex outside the lines" of cultural norms, rather than someone who's been exploring it for some times.
Disclaimer: I'm acquainted with the author via social media.
The writing style is a little aggressive, almost as if it's carrying on an argument, and dude, we were on the same side! I felt like some of the claims made weren't as well documented, and other points were hammered on over and over again. Yes, masturbation is healthy, we get it! The biggest take away for me was the call-to-action to throw away artificial barriers as to what is healthy in romantic and sexual relationships. That "normal" is not what anyone should be striving for, but equanimity among all partners, or happiness while unpartnered. This would be most useful to someone just beginning to explore the idea of "sex outside the lines" of cultural norms, rather than someone who's been exploring it for some times.
August 8, 2018
I agree very much with the place that the author is coming from. But I abandoned this book after spending too much time waiting for the hard-held opinions presented to be supported by evidence.
The other reviews of this book might be little more than a show of solidarity for commonly held values finally put into print. But in terms of enlightenment, it's left me starving for a more substantial meal. No matter how much I agree with the opinions stated herein, that temporary pleasure does not last beyond the first whiff or two.
Friends, if you're looking for enlightenment, look elsewhere. If you want to cheer for someone who can stand on a soapbox and competently deliver a long stream of sex-positive opinions that you agree with, this may be your book. I needed it to be something else, and for that reason I cannot recommend it.
The other reviews of this book might be little more than a show of solidarity for commonly held values finally put into print. But in terms of enlightenment, it's left me starving for a more substantial meal. No matter how much I agree with the opinions stated herein, that temporary pleasure does not last beyond the first whiff or two.
Friends, if you're looking for enlightenment, look elsewhere. If you want to cheer for someone who can stand on a soapbox and competently deliver a long stream of sex-positive opinions that you agree with, this may be your book. I needed it to be something else, and for that reason I cannot recommend it.
December 20, 2021
Received this book 6 years ago and I finally forced myself to get through it. I have picked this book up several times over the years and the first chapter completely turned me off. I nearly rated this book 1 star based on chapter 1. Chapter 2 didn't do much better for me. Chapter 3 regarding "Sex Education and is Dangerous" changed my mind a bit. It went from a possible DNF book to maybe okay with a 2 star. So how did it end up with a 4 star?
To read the rest of my review, click on the image below to see it on my website on or after December 23, 2021.
To read the rest of my review, click on the image below to see it on my website on or after December 23, 2021.
July 29, 2020
Conceptually, I'm on board. But I couldn't get behind the communication style/writing and organization of the book. Seemed forceful in some way. I hate to say masculine, because it seems like I learned nothing... But definitely reads as a little aggressive. Like, if you don't GET IT, you are trash!! Which is weird because I do get it. And still felt a little accosted as I read. Still a lot of nice tidbits and references.
June 8, 2024
As a doctor, sexologist and therapist I would recommend to read this book knowingly what you stand for and open to listen to very different ideas. There were some things I could relate to, others that were eye opening and some others that I said no to.
Don't discard it, it's useful to read other ideas and reexamine yours
Don't discard it, it's useful to read other ideas and reexamine yours
September 21, 2017
This was an interesting point view on sex. I would not recommend it to most people as it does challenge many cultural beliefs. But one thing that it did for me was to "normalize" my experience in my marriage. It made me be able to more quickly move on instead of continuing my victim mentality. I
April 18, 2018
I managed three chapters and just couldn’t bring myself to keep reading. Three chapters may not be enough for a real review, but the writing seemed to only scratch the surface and at times felt like I was reading a university paper. Wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be.
December 29, 2018
Not the strongest writing, but the intention is beautiful and positive. "There is no normal." This mantra could save so many people from thinking there is something wrong with us if we don't perform as expected.
May 9, 2017
I really liked the topics but I felt like it barely skimmed the surface. I would have liked a little more in depth. Overall a very fascinating read.
May 29, 2017
3.5 stars review coming soon
August 2, 2017
This really made me think differently about sexual retaliations.
November 17, 2017
While I agree with most of his views, his manner of writing seems combative and condescending, with few facts and illustrations to support his case. Not the best book on the subject.
November 20, 2018
All I have to say is WHATEVER THE PATRIARCHY. And while I'm at it, hey Goodreads, your 5 star rating system is less than satisfying. I know you can do better.
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