The Maps They Gave Us: One Marriage Reimagined

by Wayne Scott

Welcome to Will and Grace with kids, cats, and a mortgage.
In a memoir that celebrates the creative possibilities of intimate relationships, writer and psychotherapist Wayne Scott's The Maps They Gave One Marriage, Reimagined is an unlikely love a distraught couple with three school-aged children, on their way to get a divorce, are surprised when they fall in love again.
In a voice at once vulnerable, tender, lucid, and funny, Wayne Scott offers the perspective of a queer (bisexual) man in a mixed-orientation marriage. After the couple separate, stunned and careening toward divorce—the expected outcome—they find themselves in a tiny room with a quirky and compassionate relationship therapist who offers them a find a "common story" about what brought them together to help them navigate the next iteration of their relationship.
Wayne Scott's marriage memoir will appeal to readers who loved the messy rawness and emotional complexity of Noah Baumbach's film Marriage Story —suffused with a more expansive sense of possibility and hope.

Genres: Queer, Nonfiction, Memoir

300 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 4, 2025

Reviews

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this window into a bisexual man's experience being in a straight-passing marriage after spending his young and new adult life stages in community with gay men. Even though we are from different generations and Im a bi woman, I saw a lot of my own experiences with a similar life/relationship trajectory reflected here. Wayne Scott is vulnerable and reflective, not afraid to show himself in a "bad light." Smart writing not only about queer identity and partner relationships but also infertility, his father's alcoholism, and literary inspirations and favourites. (The anecdote that after he fell out of touch with the queer community he missed the notice that James Baldwin was speaking in his city killed me!! I would have been so mad too).

A weird amount of talking about Harry Potter for a queer book published in 2025 -- I know his kids were young at the height of the series' popularity and before it was widely known JKR is a TERF and generally terrible human being -- but it's still a choice made to include it and I wished it hadn't been!

[Laura Donovan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exquisitely written, nuanced, empathetic, relatable, devastating, and moving. Wayne Scott does a great job explaining the complexities of human sexuality and how 80s AIDs panic coupled with a toxic upbringing prevented him from fully embracing the title of gay man. I love the way he weaves in past and present anecdotes. He’s a compelling storyteller.

[Zach · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this memoir. As a Portlander as well, reading the story felt that much more real, being able to imagine and place myself in the setting. Very honest and revealing of the author…and his wife, to share his journey. As a reader, it’s easy to have your own hopes for how the story turns out. But with memoir, it’s someone else’s story. This particular one reminds you that the author’s journey is still unfolding, and leaves open the possibility of futures not yet imagined.

[Neil · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. I didn’t see where it was going, though maybe I should have. It was a unique look at modern relationships that left me feeling tender for everyone on the pages. The author did a good job of writing a memoir that never shied away from his mistakes which made him so much more relatable.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a memoir that weaves in and out of time and thought, that gathers the stories by theme and not by timeline, that ties them into the threads running through a life, so that the story you told yourself in middle school might not have come true exactly, but it reflects on the job in college and the mistakes of a road trip and also teaches those who watch, something about themselves. Zoë Bossiere does this beautifully in Cactus Country: A Boyhood Memoir, which is another memoir that wrestles with gender and sexuality.

I looked at this book on the shelf at the library and said, "I have no idea what this is about but I know I'm going to fall deep into it." (I call it my "book-dar".) And I was right. Reading later, I also said, "This man should be published in The Sun" and then several chapters later saw that he mentioned he was. So kudos to the marketing team, because you know me so well. It helps that I live in Oregon, near enough to Portland to get the references to setting and culture.

A favorite part was concept of the use of story vs plot to re-imagine one's future (Chapter 11, 'The Common Story') and see one's partner in a more rounded view. As a therapist, I wonder how Scott uses narrative therapy, and it made me wonder how I could untangle of some of the messes in my own life this way. At the very end of the Acknowledgements, he writes,

"In critique groups, when discussing memoir, writers refer to the author's character in the third person, which prevents a craft discussion from descending into group therapy. During the writing of this memoir, my partner [...] often rocked with me on the porch sing while I talked in third person about difficult times in our marriage as if we were characters in a book we'd read together." pg. 283

I can't explain in now, but the idea of this sent happy explosions through my brain.

Right book, right time.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to the publisher for providing an ARC through Edelweiss!

I'm a straight cisgender white woman who doesn't have much knowledge about what the author is writing about, but that's one reason why I wanted to give this advanced reader's copy a look. And I was sucked into Scott's tale of his marriage. He was bisexual back when bi wasn't much of a thing (honestly, I had forgotten that everything used to be categorized into gay and lesbian years ago), but he fell in love with a feminist woman. She had trust issues, stemming from her single mother's affairs with a minister when she was young, and she wanted Scott to stay faithful to her. But he couldn't. He wanted to have an emotional attachment to a man, too.

This is where my WASP upbringing comes into play, but I'm trying to work through those internal biases that I know I have. I wanted more from her side of the story--how did she suddenly decide after decades that an open marriage could work when she only loved her husband? And how could she justify her husband wanting more than just physical sex with a man, but an emotional attachment with one, too? (Again, there's my biases showing up) I, too, agreed with her when she said, "You're confused. You need to decide what you are" and when she said "I feel inadequate....like I'm not enough for you" during the therapy sessions (there are A LOT of those). His wife is much more forgiving that I am--the part about when he returned to Eva after spending the night with his ex Ivan about killed me.

I highly recommend you give this a read if you're interested learning more about how couples decide to try open marriages. I'd like to read a sequel to this in about about 20 years to find out how it worked and how the kids ended up.

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Maps They Gave Us is one of the bravest memoirs I've ever read. Unlike so many others, this one exposes all of the author's insecurities, missteps, blemishes, and raw emotions. Wayne Scott describes how he fell in love with a woman despite having identified as homosexual. He unflinchingly describes his first sexual experience with his eventual wife, how he's uncertain that he'll be able to "perform" despite the strong feelings he has for her. He openly grapples with the complexities of his love for her, his delight at being a father, and his continued desires for relationships with men. Eventually he and his wife arrive at an unconventional agreement that allows them each to have other significant relationships while remaining married. Wayne also discloses the complexities of his relationships with his father and brother, the support and love he receives from his platonic friendships, and the unwavering respect he has for his wife. Beautifully written, at times heart-wrenching, and extremely candid, this memoir is a fast but powerful read.

[Ashley]

Not what I thought it was.