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Validation: The New Psychology of Influence
Unlock the secret to true and lasting change
'A crash course in the most important skills for forging connection and fuelling change.' ADAM GRANT
'Profound, important, compassionate, Validation took my breath away.' AMY EDMONDSON
We all spend a huge amount of time trying to get people to listen to us, and despite our best efforts, we often fail. But what if the secret to influencing others was in first accepting them?
This is known as validation: the act of showing someone that you understand their experience and accept it as valid.
As both a means and an end, validation skills are proven to impact five key areas of our enhancing our relationships, de-escalating conflict, increasing our ability to drive behaviour change, influencing growth in others, and developing a stronger connection to self. In this groundbreaking book, Stanford University psychologist Caroline Fleck explains why validation is a catalyst for transformation, and shares her step-by-step framework to put this powerful skillset into practice.
'A crash course in the most important skills for forging connection and fuelling change.' ADAM GRANT
'Profound, important, compassionate, Validation took my breath away.' AMY EDMONDSON
We all spend a huge amount of time trying to get people to listen to us, and despite our best efforts, we often fail. But what if the secret to influencing others was in first accepting them?
This is known as validation: the act of showing someone that you understand their experience and accept it as valid.
As both a means and an end, validation skills are proven to impact five key areas of our enhancing our relationships, de-escalating conflict, increasing our ability to drive behaviour change, influencing growth in others, and developing a stronger connection to self. In this groundbreaking book, Stanford University psychologist Caroline Fleck explains why validation is a catalyst for transformation, and shares her step-by-step framework to put this powerful skillset into practice.
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First published February 1, 2025
490 people are currently reading
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About the author
Caroline Fleck
1 book18 followersDr. Caroline Fleck is a licensed psychologist, corporate consultant, and an Adjunct Clinical Instructor at Stanford University. She is a respected voice in psychology and has been featured in national media outlets, including The New York Times, Good Morning America, and The Huffington Post. Caroline is a world renowned expert in validation. Her new book Validation: How the Skill Set That Revolutionized Psychology Will Transform Your Relationships, Increase Your Influence, and Change Your Life (Penguin Random House, 2025) has been translated in nine different languages.
Caroline’s therapy practice specializes in evidence-based treatments for adults, adolescents, and couples, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Her corporate work focuses on creating high-performing individuals and teams using the proven methods of behavioral science. Caroline graduated from the University of Michigan (BA) and Duke University (MA, PhD).
Caroline’s therapy practice specializes in evidence-based treatments for adults, adolescents, and couples, including Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), and Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Her corporate work focuses on creating high-performing individuals and teams using the proven methods of behavioral science. Caroline graduated from the University of Michigan (BA) and Duke University (MA, PhD).
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 96 reviews
March 28, 2025
Ideas from the book:
✦ Validating someone's feelings does not mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their emotions as valid and real.
✦ Validating others strengthens communication and builds trust in relationships.
✦ Validation requires open-mindedness and a willingness to see things from another person's perspective.
✦ Validating someone's feelings does not mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their emotions as valid and real.
✦ Validating others strengthens communication and builds trust in relationships.
✦ Validation requires open-mindedness and a willingness to see things from another person's perspective.
March 15, 2025
This book shares key skills for improving relationships with and getting what you need from everyone in your life. The author, a practicing clinical psychologist, shares the trainings clinicians receive in order to help patients in crisis (meaning this stuff WORKS in even the toughest cases)
This author's style is immensely readable- the book is filled with fascinating studies and memorable storytelling that evokes Malcom Gladwell in her ability to share academic study learnings with everyday language. Amazing stories about patients, deeply personal moments, and many pop culture references - super readable and funny throughout.
Check it out!
This author's style is immensely readable- the book is filled with fascinating studies and memorable storytelling that evokes Malcom Gladwell in her ability to share academic study learnings with everyday language. Amazing stories about patients, deeply personal moments, and many pop culture references - super readable and funny throughout.
Check it out!
May 21, 2025
Such much to think about between these pages.
April 7, 2025
Love this book!
Dr. Fleck has a wonderful way of connecting with her readers through humor and personal experiences which makes this book an easy, fun read yet so profoundly impactful. I found myself laughing out loud and learning vital communication skills at the same time!
I love that Dr. Fleck's practical steps are easy to put into practice right away and immediately rewarding. It's research backed and it works! Using these skills opens a level of connection that is otherwise difficult to achieve. Very fulfilling. You'll see what I mean when you read it!
It has truly transformed the way I communicate, enriching every relationship I have.
Keeping it on my coffee table to refer to often.
Highly recommend! Everyone should own a copy!
Dr. Fleck has a wonderful way of connecting with her readers through humor and personal experiences which makes this book an easy, fun read yet so profoundly impactful. I found myself laughing out loud and learning vital communication skills at the same time!
I love that Dr. Fleck's practical steps are easy to put into practice right away and immediately rewarding. It's research backed and it works! Using these skills opens a level of connection that is otherwise difficult to achieve. Very fulfilling. You'll see what I mean when you read it!
It has truly transformed the way I communicate, enriching every relationship I have.
Keeping it on my coffee table to refer to often.
Highly recommend! Everyone should own a copy!
April 2, 2025
It's instructive and funny. I learned a lot. Fleck has written a great book on validation. My main takeaway is that people with high sensitivity should be naturally good at validation but it seems my work on mastering the skills is valid. Two components which I did not find as clearly explained as Fleck does are negative reinforcement and emoting. The best part of this book is that Fleck is non-stop witty. While it's a serious topic and addresses serious topics, there's a least on funny line on every page. I had to laugh hard at: "What. The. Hell. Mind. Explain your reasoning."
March 29, 2025
I laughed out loud a few times and learned quite a bit. I especially found her chapter on self validation helpful and I loved how she walks us through her whole thought process. The author is very vulnerable in this book and I found it to be incredibly helpful. This is one I'll be reading again.
Read
April 2, 2025Well this is awkward... Last night I received an email through my blog (which I do not have listed on goodreads and have not updated in a year) from the author's husband. He wrote a lengthy defense of her, one that I'm curious if she knows about. I understand the desire to defend your wife, I think everyone can, but it's not appropriate. When someone publishes a book, they are opening themselves up to critique of the content of their book and their person. And here on goodreads, a site for reviewers, we leave our critiques for other readers to use how they wish. I invite Mr. Fleck to radically accept that people will have opinions that may be unfavorable towards his wife as a consequence of her putting herself out there. I'm intrigued as to why he chose to go to such lengths to find a way to privately email me about this. Perhaps there is some awareness that this is not an acceptable thing to do and violates the agreement that exists between reviewers and authors where authors don't interact with reviews. I do not wish to engage him in conversation nor anyone else close to the author. This is simply to alert other readers that this happened.
Original review:
Where to begin with this book? My feelings are complicated. On the one hand, I think what Fleck lays out is actually pretty legit. I think the 8 levels of the three phases make sense, are based in science, and are effective. I know this from my own personal knowledge of DBT, but also because Fleck refers to many different studies that support what she's saying. And on that note, there was one moment (on page 26) where Fleck mentions that she's someone who needs data, research, the science behind something in order to believe in it. "I always find it disappointing, and suspicious, when people tout the remarkable effects of their approach without providing any data to substantiate their claims." Yes girl, me too. Reading that was, in a word, validating. I wasn't expecting a book on validation to validate me about my need for statistics and data in order to, as she puts it, assuage my doubts, but it was very nice that it did.
As far as the 8 levels of validation that are laid out, none of them are really groundbreaking. She takes a lot from DBT so if you're familiar with it, I don't think any of this is going to be wholly new. They are Mindfulness skills (Attend and Copy), Understanding skills (Contextualize, Equalize, and Propose), and Empathy skills (Take Action, Emote, and Disclose). The book talks about how to validate others with one chapter at the end on how to validate yourself. I'm glad she included a chapter on self-validation because I feel like this would be incomplete without it.
That said, I have mixed feelings on Fleck as a person. Some of the things she used as an example were very pro military, and there is one "trick" she has that she calls the "golden snitch" which... is obviously not great, and there were times when she was talking about her experiences with mental health challenges and her physical health that just had me squinting my eyes. I'm suspicious but not outright against her because she does say some affirmative, progressive things, but there are too many weird things for me to not address it. I wouldn't deter people from reading this because of those things, but I felt it was important to point it out. Plus I think harry potter jump scares are worth noting.
Original review:
Where to begin with this book? My feelings are complicated. On the one hand, I think what Fleck lays out is actually pretty legit. I think the 8 levels of the three phases make sense, are based in science, and are effective. I know this from my own personal knowledge of DBT, but also because Fleck refers to many different studies that support what she's saying. And on that note, there was one moment (on page 26) where Fleck mentions that she's someone who needs data, research, the science behind something in order to believe in it. "I always find it disappointing, and suspicious, when people tout the remarkable effects of their approach without providing any data to substantiate their claims." Yes girl, me too. Reading that was, in a word, validating. I wasn't expecting a book on validation to validate me about my need for statistics and data in order to, as she puts it, assuage my doubts, but it was very nice that it did.
As far as the 8 levels of validation that are laid out, none of them are really groundbreaking. She takes a lot from DBT so if you're familiar with it, I don't think any of this is going to be wholly new. They are Mindfulness skills (Attend and Copy), Understanding skills (Contextualize, Equalize, and Propose), and Empathy skills (Take Action, Emote, and Disclose). The book talks about how to validate others with one chapter at the end on how to validate yourself. I'm glad she included a chapter on self-validation because I feel like this would be incomplete without it.
That said, I have mixed feelings on Fleck as a person. Some of the things she used as an example were very pro military, and there is one "trick" she has that she calls the "golden snitch" which... is obviously not great, and there were times when she was talking about her experiences with mental health challenges and her physical health that just had me squinting my eyes. I'm suspicious but not outright against her because she does say some affirmative, progressive things, but there are too many weird things for me to not address it. I wouldn't deter people from reading this because of those things, but I felt it was important to point it out. Plus I think harry potter jump scares are worth noting.
May 10, 2025
Book Review: Validation: The New Psychology of Influence by Caroline Fleck
Introduction
Caroline Fleck’s Validation: The New Psychology of Influence offers a compelling reexamination of persuasion, social dynamics, and human motivation through the lens of validation—a fundamental yet often overlooked psychological need. Moving beyond traditional models of influence, such as compliance tactics or cognitive biases, Fleck argues that the desire for validation shapes decision-making, relationships, and societal trends more profoundly than previously acknowledged. Blending psychological theory, behavioral research, and practical applications, the book presents a fresh framework for understanding how validation operates in personal, professional, and cultural contexts.
Themes and Analysis
The Core Argument: Validation as a Driver of Behavior
Fleck posits that validation—feeling seen, heard, and affirmed—is a primary motivator behind human actions, often surpassing even rational self-interest. She dismantles the assumption that people are purely logical actors, demonstrating how emotional and social validation can override objective reasoning. This perspective challenges classical influence models (e.g., authority, reciprocity) by emphasizing the subconscious pull of belonging and acceptance.
The Validation Spectrum
The book introduces a continuum of validation, ranging from overt praise to subtle social cues. Fleck explores how different forms of validation—such as mirroring, acknowledgment, and affirmation—affect self-esteem, conformity, and resistance. Particularly insightful is her analysis of “negative validation,” where individuals seek attention through contrarianism or outrage, reinforcing identity through opposition rather than agreement.
Applications in Marketing, Leadership, and Social Movements
Fleck extends her theory to real-world domains, illustrating how brands leverage validation in advertising (e.g., personalized messaging, social proof), how leaders foster loyalty through empathetic recognition, and how movements gain traction by validating shared grievances. Case studies from politics, consumer behavior, and organizational psychology ground her claims in observable phenomena.
Critique of Modern Validation-Seeking
A provocative thread throughout the book is the examination of digital culture’s impact on validation-seeking. Fleck argues that social media platforms exploit this need through likes, shares, and algorithmic reinforcement, creating cycles of dependency and performative identity. She warns of the psychological costs—such as anxiety and diminished authenticity—when external validation becomes a primary source of self-worth.
Critique
While Fleck’s thesis is innovative, some arguments would benefit from deeper engagement with counterpoints. For instance, her focus on validation occasionally downplays other motivators (e.g., survival instincts, curiosity). The book’s structure, though accessible, occasionally meanders between theoretical exposition and anecdotal examples, which may frustrate readers seeking a strictly academic tone. Additionally, the “how-to” sections on applying validation strategies, while practical, risk oversimplifying complex social dynamics.
Conclusion
Validation: The New Psychology of Influence is a thought-provoking contribution to social psychology and behavioral science. Fleck’s synthesis of research and relatable examples makes the book accessible to scholars and general readers alike. By centering validation as a key to influence, she offers a nuanced alternative to manipulative persuasion tactics, advocating instead for empathy and ethical engagement.
Final Thoughts & Rating
Fleck’s work is timely in an era of polarized discourse and curated online identities, providing a lens to understand everything from viral trends to workplace morale. While not without minor flaws, its core insights are transformative for anyone studying or practicing influence—whether in marketing, therapy, leadership, or personal relationships.
Rating: 4.4/5
Originality & Concept: 5/5 – A groundbreaking take on influence.
Theoretical Rigor: 4/5 – Strong but could engage more dissent.
Practical Relevance: 4.5/5 – Applicable across disciplines.
Readability: 4/5 – Engaging though occasionally digressive.
Depth of Research: 4.5/5 – Well-supported but leans on select examples.
Recommendation: Essential for psychologists, marketers, and leaders, as well as readers interested in the intersection of culture and cognition. Its insights into digital-age behavior make it particularly valuable for navigating contemporary social landscapes.
Introduction
Caroline Fleck’s Validation: The New Psychology of Influence offers a compelling reexamination of persuasion, social dynamics, and human motivation through the lens of validation—a fundamental yet often overlooked psychological need. Moving beyond traditional models of influence, such as compliance tactics or cognitive biases, Fleck argues that the desire for validation shapes decision-making, relationships, and societal trends more profoundly than previously acknowledged. Blending psychological theory, behavioral research, and practical applications, the book presents a fresh framework for understanding how validation operates in personal, professional, and cultural contexts.
Themes and Analysis
The Core Argument: Validation as a Driver of Behavior
Fleck posits that validation—feeling seen, heard, and affirmed—is a primary motivator behind human actions, often surpassing even rational self-interest. She dismantles the assumption that people are purely logical actors, demonstrating how emotional and social validation can override objective reasoning. This perspective challenges classical influence models (e.g., authority, reciprocity) by emphasizing the subconscious pull of belonging and acceptance.
The Validation Spectrum
The book introduces a continuum of validation, ranging from overt praise to subtle social cues. Fleck explores how different forms of validation—such as mirroring, acknowledgment, and affirmation—affect self-esteem, conformity, and resistance. Particularly insightful is her analysis of “negative validation,” where individuals seek attention through contrarianism or outrage, reinforcing identity through opposition rather than agreement.
Applications in Marketing, Leadership, and Social Movements
Fleck extends her theory to real-world domains, illustrating how brands leverage validation in advertising (e.g., personalized messaging, social proof), how leaders foster loyalty through empathetic recognition, and how movements gain traction by validating shared grievances. Case studies from politics, consumer behavior, and organizational psychology ground her claims in observable phenomena.
Critique of Modern Validation-Seeking
A provocative thread throughout the book is the examination of digital culture’s impact on validation-seeking. Fleck argues that social media platforms exploit this need through likes, shares, and algorithmic reinforcement, creating cycles of dependency and performative identity. She warns of the psychological costs—such as anxiety and diminished authenticity—when external validation becomes a primary source of self-worth.
Critique
While Fleck’s thesis is innovative, some arguments would benefit from deeper engagement with counterpoints. For instance, her focus on validation occasionally downplays other motivators (e.g., survival instincts, curiosity). The book’s structure, though accessible, occasionally meanders between theoretical exposition and anecdotal examples, which may frustrate readers seeking a strictly academic tone. Additionally, the “how-to” sections on applying validation strategies, while practical, risk oversimplifying complex social dynamics.
Conclusion
Validation: The New Psychology of Influence is a thought-provoking contribution to social psychology and behavioral science. Fleck’s synthesis of research and relatable examples makes the book accessible to scholars and general readers alike. By centering validation as a key to influence, she offers a nuanced alternative to manipulative persuasion tactics, advocating instead for empathy and ethical engagement.
Final Thoughts & Rating
Fleck’s work is timely in an era of polarized discourse and curated online identities, providing a lens to understand everything from viral trends to workplace morale. While not without minor flaws, its core insights are transformative for anyone studying or practicing influence—whether in marketing, therapy, leadership, or personal relationships.
Rating: 4.4/5
Originality & Concept: 5/5 – A groundbreaking take on influence.
Theoretical Rigor: 4/5 – Strong but could engage more dissent.
Practical Relevance: 4.5/5 – Applicable across disciplines.
Readability: 4/5 – Engaging though occasionally digressive.
Depth of Research: 4.5/5 – Well-supported but leans on select examples.
Recommendation: Essential for psychologists, marketers, and leaders, as well as readers interested in the intersection of culture and cognition. Its insights into digital-age behavior make it particularly valuable for navigating contemporary social landscapes.
March 22, 2025
It’s fine. It’s a lot more self-help oriented than I expected. So if you like that type of book (guidelines, how-tos), then you’ll like this book. For me I’ve historically retained these types of books pretty poorly. I also personally didn’t find much of this interesting to me personally. It’s possible that’s because I’ve basically had to relate to people for my job for the past decade and subsequently had a ton of training and experience. So in that way I can offer that I can vouch for everything she says in this book.
June 15, 2025
Excellent read, filled with little tidbits and nuggets of wisdom:
- Only validate the valid
- communicate validation only to the extent you can do so authentically
- validation is not agreement
- validation does not equal praise or approval
- validation does not equal problem solving
Wanna help someone become more assertive?
Accept them.
1. There is a dance between acceptance and change
Principles of behaviourism is one piece of this puzzle; validation skills are another
(Validity of your own struggle and also the utility of it
Validation of others affects one’s own health and vitality )
2. We are judgmental by nature; your judgments won’t go away, but with practice, you can get better at noticing them and reframing them
Challenging instinct with intention is how character is formed
3. It’s possible to both embrace and resist suffering - with a tenacious spirit to fight against it and an eye toward the awareness, understanding, empathy and acceptance it inspires, suffering can be channeled into meaning.
When validating
Focus on showing the other person that you’re there , you get it and you care
Too much shame drives people to violence
Enough understanding brings them to change
2 mistakes for emoting
1 diminishing someone’s experience
2 Invalidating strongly held beliefs
Shame is contracted through social interaction and is also healed by it
Behind the puffed up fur of anger, ask yourself:
What are they afraid of?
Or
How are they feeling threatened?
Conflict can be damaging but if you can keep the ratio of validating to invalidating to 5:1, you’re in good shape
- Only validate the valid
- communicate validation only to the extent you can do so authentically
- validation is not agreement
- validation does not equal praise or approval
- validation does not equal problem solving
Wanna help someone become more assertive?
Accept them.
1. There is a dance between acceptance and change
Principles of behaviourism is one piece of this puzzle; validation skills are another
(Validity of your own struggle and also the utility of it
Validation of others affects one’s own health and vitality )
2. We are judgmental by nature; your judgments won’t go away, but with practice, you can get better at noticing them and reframing them
Challenging instinct with intention is how character is formed
3. It’s possible to both embrace and resist suffering - with a tenacious spirit to fight against it and an eye toward the awareness, understanding, empathy and acceptance it inspires, suffering can be channeled into meaning.
When validating
Focus on showing the other person that you’re there , you get it and you care
Too much shame drives people to violence
Enough understanding brings them to change
2 mistakes for emoting
1 diminishing someone’s experience
2 Invalidating strongly held beliefs
Shame is contracted through social interaction and is also healed by it
Behind the puffed up fur of anger, ask yourself:
What are they afraid of?
Or
How are they feeling threatened?
Conflict can be damaging but if you can keep the ratio of validating to invalidating to 5:1, you’re in good shape
May 2, 2025
You could say I have low EQ but this is probably the first non-fiction book with advice that I've tried that actually seems to work/be helpful. The book could use more examples of stock phrases I can use but overall it has helped me to be more validating and express support to my partner.
I didn't finish the whole book but 5 stars for the impact it has on my life.
I didn't finish the whole book but 5 stars for the impact it has on my life.
June 4, 2025
It’s great! The importance of validation. How to validate others - family, workplace, friends, etc. How to validate yourself (self compassion). It was so good! And applicable. I listened to the audiobook but own the paperbook too so will review and learn and get better at validation!
Highly recommend!
Highly recommend!
March 3, 2025
Very powerful, some great research based insights and tools. Kudos to her for her honesty and sharing her story.
March 25, 2025
3.5⭐️ rounded up. Some good info and a lot of common sense. Some chapters were a lot more useful than others. I enjoyed the work section and the relationship section.
January 23, 2026
I absolutely hate it when my boss assigns me one of these types of books and I end up loving it (just don't tell him, it'll just go straight to his head). This is one I would like to revisit. Her insight is incredible, and because of her suggestions, I feel I'm becoming a better parent, spouse, and employee. Plus, I listened to the audiobook version, which she read, and she's pretty hilarious.
November 24, 2025
3 ⭐️🎧 There were some practical ideas about how to frame your interactions for enhanced validation. Most of the content aligned with my natural instincts, and therefore seems overly simplistic for a book. This felt like a compilation of a few practical tips or guiding frameworks stretched into a book with a lot of added fluff. I could see it being a great article, but it didn’t need to be a whole book.
January 2, 2026
I got this for a shamefully low price on Amazon but it ended up being one of the best self help books I read all year. Because unlike the books that claim such things on their covers, this one actually changed the way I live and lead.
October 23, 2025
This was a little repetitive but overall good knowledge. It felt a little memoirish to me.
March 26, 2025
I found the author’s narrative style to be engaging and believable with an amount of humor that kept me reading for both learning and enjoyment. While she’s obviously skilled and successful in her work with others she also shows grace and humility by acknowledging that we might have also found an effective way through experience. I personally found the self validation chapter most instructive. No spoiler but by the end of the book I felt her courage was off the charts.
August 18, 2025
If you work with the public in any way, shape or form, this book is worth reading. Fleck has simply broken down a simple word into several do-able steps in which to make you a better listener, helper and generally a better version of yourself. Her writing is very humble and reads as if she's talking to you as a friend. Fleck infuses a lot of humor and wit into her writing so I will say this was the most enjoyable psychology book I've ever read. When you do pick up this book, READ THE FOOTNOTES!
June 29, 2025
It’s probably recency bias talking but this self-help book is just more helpful than anything else I’ve read in the genre.
Now, my biggest pain point in self-help is how everything has to be broken down into steps, acronyms, sub-steps, trendy catchy little names for everything, and then homework at the end of each chapter like it’s a freaking text book, and this book does those things. I see the necessity, but I don’t like it because I will not remember the vocabulary for something five minutes after reading it, I will not remember what order you’re supposed to do the steps, I will not remember the complicated math of “always do X when Y happens except if Z is present”; all it does is confuse me and make everything seem harder.
I also have to say, one strength of the book is its brevity; it cuts to the chase with very little filler. However, that strength is also a weakness as in some cases I really needed more examples of how a skill works, more details on when to use each skill, more exceptions to the rule, just more. It’s nice that it’s short but it also goes by quickly, leaving me with unanswered questions.
But overall, I’m very impressed by the book and moreover, I feel like I have a new superpower now: the power of validation. Sounds cheesy, feels true. I think I have decent emotional intelligence, but certain blind spots always left me a little confused. There are times when I’ve tried to be there for a friend, yet felt like something I said or did just made things worse, or I didn’t know what to say at all. There have also been times where I have gone to others looking for something and left feeling more lonely and hurt than before. I couldn’t name it before, but the secret sauce that was missing in those scenarios was validation. Memories from childhood to the present and everything in between popped into my head while reading this book, and like a laser pointer, the book pointed at all these memories and said: “there! You felt so good because of validation… you felt isolated because of invalidation. You felt connected to another person, a moment of ‘clicking’ with them, because you validated them… you felt awkward or iced out, because you invalidated them.”
It’s like this book is a magic revealer pen for all of life’s invisible ink. All of a sudden, validation and invalidation are all I see: in microtransactions with strangers, in longstanding patterns of behavior with loved ones, in my relationship with my own spouse and children. I think the book works so well because the author uses Disclosure, a high-level validation skill by her own metric, so effectively. She shares examples from her family, friends, and therapy clients, and she shares her experiences with depression, MS, and breast cancer, effectively blending memoir with self-help. That, and unlike MANY books in the genre, I never felt like, “this book could have been an email, and that email could have been a one-slide infographic on Instagram, and that infographic could have just been a single bolded all-caps word.” Every single part of the book had purpose and intention.
I only just finished the book and will have to see how I feel as time passes, my memory fades, and as really challenging scenarios come up that test my validation skills. I will say that as soon as I started reading the book, it made me more attentive to my friends and family, and much more intentional about validating them. Bland, unhelpful platitudes like “always be kind” “be a good listener” always left me frustrated and feeling like something was missing. This book filled in the gaps, and I’m starting to understand the nuance and the method that goes into listening, empathizing, and validating.
Now, my biggest pain point in self-help is how everything has to be broken down into steps, acronyms, sub-steps, trendy catchy little names for everything, and then homework at the end of each chapter like it’s a freaking text book, and this book does those things. I see the necessity, but I don’t like it because I will not remember the vocabulary for something five minutes after reading it, I will not remember what order you’re supposed to do the steps, I will not remember the complicated math of “always do X when Y happens except if Z is present”; all it does is confuse me and make everything seem harder.
I also have to say, one strength of the book is its brevity; it cuts to the chase with very little filler. However, that strength is also a weakness as in some cases I really needed more examples of how a skill works, more details on when to use each skill, more exceptions to the rule, just more. It’s nice that it’s short but it also goes by quickly, leaving me with unanswered questions.
But overall, I’m very impressed by the book and moreover, I feel like I have a new superpower now: the power of validation. Sounds cheesy, feels true. I think I have decent emotional intelligence, but certain blind spots always left me a little confused. There are times when I’ve tried to be there for a friend, yet felt like something I said or did just made things worse, or I didn’t know what to say at all. There have also been times where I have gone to others looking for something and left feeling more lonely and hurt than before. I couldn’t name it before, but the secret sauce that was missing in those scenarios was validation. Memories from childhood to the present and everything in between popped into my head while reading this book, and like a laser pointer, the book pointed at all these memories and said: “there! You felt so good because of validation… you felt isolated because of invalidation. You felt connected to another person, a moment of ‘clicking’ with them, because you validated them… you felt awkward or iced out, because you invalidated them.”
It’s like this book is a magic revealer pen for all of life’s invisible ink. All of a sudden, validation and invalidation are all I see: in microtransactions with strangers, in longstanding patterns of behavior with loved ones, in my relationship with my own spouse and children. I think the book works so well because the author uses Disclosure, a high-level validation skill by her own metric, so effectively. She shares examples from her family, friends, and therapy clients, and she shares her experiences with depression, MS, and breast cancer, effectively blending memoir with self-help. That, and unlike MANY books in the genre, I never felt like, “this book could have been an email, and that email could have been a one-slide infographic on Instagram, and that infographic could have just been a single bolded all-caps word.” Every single part of the book had purpose and intention.
I only just finished the book and will have to see how I feel as time passes, my memory fades, and as really challenging scenarios come up that test my validation skills. I will say that as soon as I started reading the book, it made me more attentive to my friends and family, and much more intentional about validating them. Bland, unhelpful platitudes like “always be kind” “be a good listener” always left me frustrated and feeling like something was missing. This book filled in the gaps, and I’m starting to understand the nuance and the method that goes into listening, empathizing, and validating.
February 1, 2026
3.5 stars -read the audio book
Ok i wish I had this book when i was a young adult. Now i am an old adult (and a therapist) and this feels like review 😀😆
Overall a good book. I don’t buy that I’m gonna influence or change people with this
Ok i wish I had this book when i was a young adult. Now i am an old adult (and a therapist) and this feels like review 😀😆
Overall a good book. I don’t buy that I’m gonna influence or change people with this
March 6, 2025
Caroline is one of my kind of people. I feel like part of my tribe.
June 30, 2025
78%
Oh, girl, MS, and Having for mastectomy. That means you had breast cancer. That's Oh terrible, I'll be. It wasn't something more like, yeah, your breast cancer, but you also had all of this other cancer like, yuck, because that is not uncommon. I appreciate hearing about the social sciences psychology. I use psychology and social sciences constantly. It's an important, very important part of my above my work, validating others Making sure that they are included not feeling Like they're being set out. Testing from any specific behaviors, Our thoughts. It's, like, well, You know, It's just really. I'm extremely valuable skill, Especially if you're working with, uh, Customers, or Or other people, Because by validating them, you actually raise yourself In their eyes as well. You raise your own position, So it's not just And I'll shoustic thing necessarily, but you also get to get kind of back on social points really. So, If it's not enough for you To validate person, just because their person and they exist, You know, there's a whole social play aspect to this, which I always say, you know, there's I have a certain cutoff for how cheap I will sell anything. And at that point, I will just give it away Because they just went way more To for me to just get Point social. The social points, Same thing where I intentionally invite negative feedback and criticism. But regardless, Uh, so you don't need to validate actions by validating the person their emotional state, Absolutely. Because they are human, And you can develop them just for being human. You don't need to have love every part of them. You don't need to love them all the time, even Maybe with their own children. Like, see if your child is hitting you. Do you need to love them? I absolutely not, not a that moment. This whole idea of Loving someone Unconditionally. That's toxic. It's genetic, but it's extremely toxic and excuse for abuse unfortunately. So, uh, yeah. I really enjoyed learning about her life as well, who served as a mixed modem Of This social science And psychology of validating others. How to do so? Thought processes behind it, and an autobiography of her own life as well, which I enjoyed learning about her.
Oh, girl, MS, and Having for mastectomy. That means you had breast cancer. That's Oh terrible, I'll be. It wasn't something more like, yeah, your breast cancer, but you also had all of this other cancer like, yuck, because that is not uncommon. I appreciate hearing about the social sciences psychology. I use psychology and social sciences constantly. It's an important, very important part of my above my work, validating others Making sure that they are included not feeling Like they're being set out. Testing from any specific behaviors, Our thoughts. It's, like, well, You know, It's just really. I'm extremely valuable skill, Especially if you're working with, uh, Customers, or Or other people, Because by validating them, you actually raise yourself In their eyes as well. You raise your own position, So it's not just And I'll shoustic thing necessarily, but you also get to get kind of back on social points really. So, If it's not enough for you To validate person, just because their person and they exist, You know, there's a whole social play aspect to this, which I always say, you know, there's I have a certain cutoff for how cheap I will sell anything. And at that point, I will just give it away Because they just went way more To for me to just get Point social. The social points, Same thing where I intentionally invite negative feedback and criticism. But regardless, Uh, so you don't need to validate actions by validating the person their emotional state, Absolutely. Because they are human, And you can develop them just for being human. You don't need to have love every part of them. You don't need to love them all the time, even Maybe with their own children. Like, see if your child is hitting you. Do you need to love them? I absolutely not, not a that moment. This whole idea of Loving someone Unconditionally. That's toxic. It's genetic, but it's extremely toxic and excuse for abuse unfortunately. So, uh, yeah. I really enjoyed learning about her life as well, who served as a mixed modem Of This social science And psychology of validating others. How to do so? Thought processes behind it, and an autobiography of her own life as well, which I enjoyed learning about her.
March 3, 2025
A very engaging book. Ultimately, spending some effort on how to be a better human being has its own rewards aside from generally improving our relationships. I enjoyed this book.
February 27, 2025
4.5 stars. So many good things to learn and remember about validation. Really enjoyed this book. Found new insights around a topic I’ve been learning about a bit already and trying to find ways to implement the topics of the book into my day to day at work and home
February 22, 2025
I gave this 4 stars mainly because I adored the author; she is so smart & funny & likable & clearly determined to get this book out there despite her medical issues. So I want to validate her efforts! And taking on a topic as big & broad as validation is a huge undertaking. I think she did a good job tackling it but it was a lot to pack in & with the subject being so nuanced I think it would take a college course to be able to integrate this information in a meaningful way.
February 25, 2025
Good solid information and how to put it into use for more effective communication and connection.
July 24, 2025
Good Book, This mostly about how to engage with people. Understanding and striking a chord to have great conversations. I truely appreciate the author for delivering this, understanding the limitation that she had. Must read for parents, managers and adults (who are having rough relationships)
July 19, 2025
O que mais chamou minha atenção no livro da psicóloga Caroline Fleck é que ao invés de focar em como convencer e influenciar, a autora apresenta a importância da validação.
A ideia central é que a verdadeira influência não vem da argumentação, mas da capacidade de fazer os outros se sentirem vistos e compreendidos. Este livro é um manual sobre o "sistema operacional" das conexões humanas e a autora transformando a “validação” de um conceito abstrato em um conjunto de oito habilidades práticas e acionáveis.
O framework de Fleck nos guia por um caminho dividido em três etapas. Tudo começa com as habilidades de atenção plena (famoso “mindfulness”), onde aprendemos a dedicar nossa atenção completa e sem julgamentos e a espelhar a linguagem do outro para construir rapport. Em seguida, avançamos para as habilidades de compreensão, buscando ativamente o contexto por trás dos sentimentos da pessoa, normalizando sua reação e até oferecendo hipóteses sobre o que ela pode estar sentindo. Por fim, as habilidades de empatia, que se manifestam em ações concretas para ajudar, na expressão de emoções alinhadas às do outro e no compartilhamento de experiências pessoais para criar uma conexão mais profunda e genuína.
A ideia central é que a verdadeira influência não vem da argumentação, mas da capacidade de fazer os outros se sentirem vistos e compreendidos. Este livro é um manual sobre o "sistema operacional" das conexões humanas e a autora transformando a “validação” de um conceito abstrato em um conjunto de oito habilidades práticas e acionáveis.
O framework de Fleck nos guia por um caminho dividido em três etapas. Tudo começa com as habilidades de atenção plena (famoso “mindfulness”), onde aprendemos a dedicar nossa atenção completa e sem julgamentos e a espelhar a linguagem do outro para construir rapport. Em seguida, avançamos para as habilidades de compreensão, buscando ativamente o contexto por trás dos sentimentos da pessoa, normalizando sua reação e até oferecendo hipóteses sobre o que ela pode estar sentindo. Por fim, as habilidades de empatia, que se manifestam em ações concretas para ajudar, na expressão de emoções alinhadas às do outro e no compartilhamento de experiências pessoais para criar uma conexão mais profunda e genuína.
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