It's a Shame About Ray

by Jonathan Seidler, David Seidler (Narrator)

It's a Shame About Ray is an extraordinary and powerful memoir about family, love and the power of music.

A young man coming to terms with bipolar disorder suddenly loses his father to suicide. This seismic event prompts an exploration of his family's suppressed history of ill mental health, primarily among men, from the rubble of post-war Europe to present-day Australia. Gliding between the narrator's boyhood, adulthood and impending fatherhood, It's a Shame About Ray lasers in on the family left behind and their response to this ongoing challenge in light of their culture, religion and community.

In the vein of Patricia Lockwood, Dave Eggers, Chuck Klosterman and David Sedaris, It's a Shame About Ray is an extraordinary memoir from writer Jonathan Seidler (yes, those Seidlers). It's an unflinching memoir about men, masculinity and mental health. Filtered through Y2K popular culture, it's a blackly funny and often devastating look at the lasting impact of suicide on families and the complex relationships between sons and fathers suffering from the same illness.

Genres: Memoir, Mental Health, Book Club, Biography, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Nonfiction

Audible Audio

First published October 5, 2022

About the author

Jonathan Seidler is a writer, creative and culture critic. His work has been published frequently in The Guardian, Sydney Morning Herald, The Australian, Monocle and GQ. Jonathan co-founded long-running music website One A Day, launched two nationally syndicated fiction series for Broadsheet and recently commissioned, edited and published an Unyoked anthology of nature writing. As a creative director, Jonathan produced nationally recognised pro bono campaigns for Keep Sydney Open, One Wave and the Equality Campaign. He is a regular guest on ABC Radio National's Download This Show, discussing media, culture and technology. He once played drums in bands, now mostly in his garage.

Reviews

[Rowan MacDonald · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s A Shame About Ray is quite the rollercoaster and one of the more unique memoirs I have read. It’s an honest, raw look at family, identity, mental illness, and the soundtrack to our lives. It’s also a touching tribute to the author’s dad, Ray.

“The idea of my father being a secret gang leader or drug smuggler honestly seems preferable to admitting he is regularly hijacked by his own mind.”

The writing is tight, occasionally funny, and multi-layered. I enjoyed the different writing styles. They elevated certain chapters above others. The varying rhythms and flow meant things were never boring. One of my favourite chapters was a screenplay featuring the author’s dad conversing with Linkin Park singer, Chester Bennington, in an afterlife processing centre.

Chapter 9 will remain one of the most powerful, visceral pieces of writing I have read. It depicts Jonathan breaking tragic news to his younger sister. I felt like a fly on the wall. The writing was frenetic and emotional. But then, such a chapter is followed by details of him bench pressing at the gym. The shift in gears was sometimes jarring.

Trauma, grief, resilience, culture. It's powerful stuff. I admire Jonathan for being so open and vulnerable. He successfully transported me into the mind of someone with bipolar, and I learned a lot about mental illness and Jewish culture. But despite being similar ages, with a shared passion for music, I found plenty hard to relate. I’m sure a bipolar version of The OC would be endearing, but it will always feel foreign to me, particularly during a cost-of-living crisis.

Thankfully, Jonathan knows what he’s talking about when it comes to music. I enjoyed how his music essays weaved into events from his life, effortlessly connecting the threads. His takes on the music scene and early 2000s culture was incredibly accurate and well-written. It took me back. But I’ll never admire Kanye West, no matter how you spin him.

It’s A Shame About Ray is somewhat depressing, yet intoxicating. I had trouble knowing whether I loved or hated it. Linkin Park references began to grow tiresome. It could easily be titled, 5000 Reasons Why I Love Linkin Park (And Stories About My Dad).

If you enjoy music and want a unique, raw memoir, that incorporates different writing styles, then this might be for you.

“You’re never ready for something until it whacks you in the arse.” - Ray Seidler.

Many thanks to Allen & Unwin for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Suz · Rating 4 out of 5]

So unexpected. This was a very interesting and thoughtful insight into a young man’s life, the loss of his troubled father, and the music that buoyed him up along the journey of his life. I am older than the author, and have of course heard of some of the bands he discusses, but the most interesting part of the groups he talks about is the awful misogynistic tones many of the groups he talks about. But I was pleased when he mentioned that his all time fave, Linkin Park, did not once swear in their lyrics. The lead singer of this band was spoken of many times, because just as he did, the author’s father took his own life as well after a lifetime of torment, the highs and lows of what is, bipolar disorder. This fractured health stemmed from his grandfather, and reaching as far as the author who has struggled. The songs described form a back drop to the novel and makes this memoir serious and blackly comical all in the one parcel.

I do the only sensible thing; go home, steal a credit card from Dad’s wallet and sign up online for the Linkin Park fan club. It’s only 30 US dollars, but I am not yet aware of the twin devils that are Terms and Conditions.

I also did not know about the Jewish history of NSW, and that Bondi is a mecca for Jewish families to live, prosper and raise families. I guess that this is because I hail from the opposite realm, in the western suburbs of Sydney, and it’s just so far to make it out there. I felt like this was something I should know!

We have far too many conversations about Dad’s headstone – that’s the sort of family we are. No standard set-up for the Seidlers, no-instead Mum decides to become a design director overnight, just at the point we are all starting to get on with our lives.

I listened to the audio, deftly read by the author’s brother, and held the paper back edition also. This is a great book, shining the light on men’s mental health, and a loving and broken family. Ray Seidler was an enigmatic, quirky, spirited and gifted doctor who treated everyone equally – from rock stars to sex workers. Reading about this man was an experience, he was so full of life.

Here is a link to an article on the author, taken from The Guardian Australia: https://amp.theguardian.com/books/202...

With my thanks to Allen & Unwin for my uncorrected proof copy, who continue to provide gems which I may usually not cross paths with, and this, I think, is the pure joy of reading.

[Jaclyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the telling of Seidler’s story of inherited mental illness and inter-generational trauma; of music and family and religion and pain. I’m perhaps still none the wiser (or too much the wiser) about the importance and legacy of Linkin Park though but the Kanye stuff was great. Seidler told this story without running full barrel into it which I admired – it took real restraint. I am still reading fiction of course but it’s a struggle, everything feels like artifice. I’m so desperate to find the novel or story that will fix me and remind me why fiction is the form for me. But for now I’ll stay close to memoir.

[Samantha Sobel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn’t put this book down! Best book I’ve read in a long time…I can’t wait to consume more of Seidler’s writing in the future :)

[Diana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was not what I was expecting based on the title. Although I’m outside the author’s age group and musical taste; I had never heard Linkin Park but this book did make me go and listen to them. I found this a very thought provoking, honest and raw memoir about music, family and mental illness. A sobering read but overall very rewarding.

With thanks to Allen and Unwin for a copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love a memoir that comes with its own playlist.

[alyssareads · Rating 5 out of 5]

my first review but this is warranted. here goes nothing :-) for someone who's always admired Harry Seidler's work from a distance, i felt like i was a fly on the wall in the Seidler family throughout this book. the fact that this is based in Sydney also makes me feel closer to everything in this book - i visited the Rose Seidler house with mum last summer and it was close to a 2-hour one-way trek by public transport but i just remember being so in awe of the architecture and the history of the house. Jonathan Seidler was so open and vulnerable in this book - family dynamics, religion, mental illness, grief, music and the bubble of privilege, all in one. i picked up "All The Beautiful Things You Love" by chance at the library earlier this year and loved his writing, so i wanted to read his other books. noticed his last name but didn't attribute anything to it until the first few pages of reading this book... then i was more invested and it felt serendipitous. this was a sobering read that really made me reflect on the relationships in my life. this book is such a gift - a beautiful read. warning: there may be tears!

[Leddy · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good read looking at grief after the loss of a parent to suicide with a look into intergenerational trauma and mental health as descendants for the holocaust. What a character Ray was! Bit too much chat about Linkin park in it for my liking but it had a lovely uplifting ending. 3.5 stars ⭐️

[Emily Van Bentum · Rating 5 out of 5]

GUTTURAL crying right now. So beautiful.

“The rays that will envelop me simply by being in your presence will nourish and charge me up, sustaining me for many years” 🥹🥹🥹🥹

[Ali · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version read by the author’s brother.

3.5 stars

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jonno. What a gift this book is to strangers and what a perfect ode to Ray. I just loved it.

You provide true insight into bipolar and expertly mix sorrow with humour and poignancy with hope.

Bravo.

I can’t wait to read more of your work. And listen to a bit of limp bizkit!

[Marles Henry · Rating 4 out of 5]

My Initial thought about this book steered towards the song of the same name by The Lemonheads … “In the stone, under the dust, his name is still engraved, Some things need to go away, It's a shame about Ray …”. And in a way they lyrics seem fitting for this book by Jonathan Seidler. Joanthan’s father, Ray, took his own life several years before this book was written. And even after his death, how he died and his father’s struggles with his mental health were swept under the carpet, made to disappear. Jonathan walks us al through his life and that of his father’s, and how their health and wellbeing either made or broke the paths they chose and decisions made. There was a sense of hypocrisy in the teachings of Ray to his son: as a doctor, ray would encourage his patents to seek help, and treated those who saw him. In reality with his own family it was a totally different story, and being part of the Jewish community, that sweeping particular issues under the carpet was the accepted norm. There was a lot of pretending, a lot of ‘if we don’t talk about it, it never happened’. Mental health was looked down upon, and for Jonathan, it was almost a failure of character to be someone going through this as well, with no-one to turn to. The difference for Jonathan was that he was bale to push through the stigma and the Delian and accept that his mental health was part of who he was, and it was not death sentence for him. It was a chance to work out who he was and how to deal with it to continue living. The power of music on Jonathan’s life attributed to the strength he found within himself to carry on, find peace and solace, a place of refuge in those darkest days. It is these reflections that help Jonathan define himself and gain an understanding of his father’s struggles.

[Elodie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stunning, very easy to read. I feel like I know the Seidlers now! Even though I don't know much about Linkin Park and nu-metal, it was nice to see them through Jonathan's eyes.

[Kathryn · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was a fairly easy read but I couldn't recommend it. The subject was mental health disorders and how the author and his father (Ray) dealt, or didn't, deal with them. The author was also obsessed with head-banging heavy metal bands which are incessantly referred to in detail - which I found irrelevant and annoying.

[Annie Gilholm rowland · Rating 4 out of 5]

A father lost, tragically to suicide.
A son courageously tells their shared story.
Lived/living experience is so powerful and insightful, this is a moving story of the complexities of life…family, love, mental illness, loss and grief and the music that helped keep a young man on the planet.

[Ashleigh · Rating 4 out of 5]

'It's a Shame About Ray' is a memoir by an Australian music journalist, Jonathan Seidler, focusing on his father's life and mental health struggles.

He uses his passion for nu-metal and Linkin Park to cope with the loss of his father to suicide.
Ironically, his father hated Linkin Park and believed that Jonathan's obsession with Linkin Park was adding to his depressive symptoms. While the lyrics were depressing, they were incredibly cathartic. Jonathan’s taste for swearing in music, especially, in Limp Bizkit songs, reminds him of his father’s detest for swearing in music. Despite this, Jonathan actively swears throughout this memoir to humorously rebel against his father’s wishes, but for some reason, it's so endearing, as it shows that Ray's memory still lives on.

At the end of this memoir, a particularly poignant moment was when Jonathan and his wife, Keren, decide to name their daughter after his father: Rae. I adore the poetic way he describes her entry into the world like a drop of sunshine that fills their emptiness: "The rays that will envelop me simply by being in your presence will nourish and charge me up, sustaining me for many years. Even if drained in the short-term, I will never be empty."

The memoir touches on how intergenerational trauma and mental health diagnoses have passed onto each older son in his family: Bipolar disorder was passed onto Jonathan by his grandfather, Marcell Seidler, and his father, Ray, who had depression. What links both Ray and Marcell is the fact they both died by suicide, which is incredibly tragic. 'Seven out of nine suicides occur by men.'

What I found so surprising towards the end of the memoir, was how Jonathan Seidler is Harry Seidler's great-nephew. Harry Seidler was an instrumental architect who brought modernist architecture to Australian soil.

Overall, while challenging to read at times, with references to mental health challenges and suicide, I found the memoir incredibly poignant and enlightening about the issues affecting our society, specifically the silence of men's mental health issues, with a sense of hope that new generations can affect and change the course of how we talk about mental health and treat it into the future.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Blackly funny and frequently devastating, this memoir traverses family, death, hope, love, survival, compassion and the deep relationship we can develop with music throughout our lives when nothing else is enough. 'IT'S A SHAME ABOUT RAY' asks how we shape identities from old tragedies - and whether the answers might be hiding in the bestselling record of 2001.

Several lifetimes in the making, Jonathan Seidler has created a lyrical and original interrogation of men and memories, a tracklist of songs of innocence and experience that beautifully unpick a life lived to the full - and sometimes spilling over the lip.

I bought this book some months ago & it has taken me a while to read because I was finding it hard with memories I have of both Raymond (Raymondo as I often called him) & also Jonathan, to start reading. I have known them both professionally and personally. Raymondo and I also swapped jars of jam at various times......I still have Christmas cards from him too.......

Jonathan has written a book full of wonderful memories and moments shared with his father and you can now share this with his daughter, Rae. Some of his memories are raw and gut-wrenching, but most of all they are real. Jonathan your father would be exceptionally proud of the man, husband and father you have become. Thank you for sharing all of this with us.

*************************

[SHR · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up after reading a review in the Big Issue, it seemed like it would be compelling reading and it was. It is about family, grief, love, mental illness and identity, oh and of course, music. It has a QR code inside the back cover which takes you to a playlist to accompany the book. I don't define myself in relation to music in the way the author does and one chapter is entirely about nu-metal and initially doesn't seem related to the bigger story. I contemplated stopping reading at that stage (didn't because I am a fan of Linkin Park) and that is what dropped it from 5 to 4 stars for me. I'm glad I didn;t stop reading, the music references are an integral part of Jonathan's story and either way I'd recommend this book widely. Its beautifully told, insightful, with tight writing, visceral expression of emotion and some laugh out loud and enjoyable "groan" moments.

[Lise Kempler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raw and honest, this young person's memoir takes you with them grappling with the suicide of their father and their own mental health struggles. It is so real, left me aching with a heavy heart at times. Brilliantly written, Seidler is a mastermind with words and a natural storyteller. The book is full of references to heavy metal and rock bands, peppered with lyrics and their own journeys - how he used them to connect with his world. Seidler shares how he leans on his relationships - his family so close-knit and his adoration for his wife, so palpable. I loved the different styles from chapter to chapter (letter, play-script) and the erratic structure of the book - moving from a range of settings and timeframes - fits with what he's trying to convey about his bipolar "superpower". Highly recommend this read, but do note you may experience moments of heart ache.

[Linda]

This is a very moving memoir of life with a brilliant father who was also mentally ill and the aftermath of his suicide. Because the author is also a music writer, and passionate about music, he writes beautifully about the songs and bands that helped him make sense of his world. There's even a QR code in the back cover that will take you to the playlist for the book on Spotify and other platforms. I couldn't put it down - but then again, the Ray of the title, the author's father, was my doctor.

[Okimura1170 · Rating 4 out of 5]

not just a memoir about his father Dr Raymond Seidler but also about Jonathan's growing up in the Eastern Suburbs (of Sydney) Jewish community, and Jonathan's musical listenings, and an extended family history. In fact, more than 50pc of the book is about Dr Raymond Seidler ....which is a poty as I would have liked to know more about Raymond's medical adventures and stories as I am GP myself in the same city

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Originally I thought I would read this book from an author my own age, with fabulous musical undertones (the title referencing a Lemonheads album).

Turns out the reason I stuck with the book was the story of self, family and inheritance.

The second half of the book is much better than the first (I’d love to gently edit the first few chapters to make it tighter and more cohesive).

Music won’t save us, but it makes a great vehicle to know ourselves and communicate- even nu-metal it seems.

[Cathy Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful book . The author weaves a story of love, fear, joy, regret (and so much more). The reader ( especially those who struggle to understand bipolar disorder and its cousins ) are led gently through a book that is both biographical and autobiographical . It’s like a dance as Seidler accesses the music of his youth and blends it in with the narrative. PS It doesn’t matter if you are not familiar with Linkin Park

[Edward · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heartwarming and brutally honest memoir of the author's journey through his young life and his mental illness diagnosis coupled with the story of his father. His father was a GP practicing in the Kings Cross section of Sydney. This is a very difficult part of the city. He helped many troubled people but also suffered with mental illness and ultimately committed suicide. This is a very personal story but also one filled with hope.

[Victoria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the e-book. Enjoyed his style of writing and some of the subject matter - mental illness. There was a bit too much about LINKIN PARK. It was kind of fun and interesting in parts though. And I also had no interest really in the Jewish stuff which there was a lot of. Kinda would’ve liked to hear more about his dad and what a character he was - or his grandfather who sounded interesting. Shame. Would actually have given this 3.5 stars if I could.

[Yasmin Goodman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely loved this book. So raw and beautifully written with seidler perfectly intertwining the notions of how emotions and memories we have to particular songs remind us of those times in our life.

[Susan Wood · Rating 2 out of 5]

The men in the Seidler family were and are quite fascinating but Jonathan's style of writing did not flow for me. This hindered my enjoyment of the book. I heard the author speak at the Byron Bay Writers Festival and was interested in reading his memoir.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

An engaging memoir told in a unique way, the author eloquently weaves in music criticism and history to underscore his story about living with various mental health illnesses - his own and that of his father.

[Mick Adams · Rating 1 out of 5]

Didn't actually finish this... I tried but it just wasn't going anywhere that wjas of interest to me. Probably shouldn't give it a 1 star on that basis as it's really just not my type of book but then these rating are mostly for my own personal use... :)

[Jessica Gouthro · Rating 3 out of 5]

I acknowledge this is a good book but for a reason I don't understand, I can't be arsed reading books with bits and stuff about music / musicians and this one's heavy on it...

This one was the one where the guys Dad had a mental disorder and so does the guy writing it.