How to Lose Your Mother: A Daughter's Memoir

by Molly Jong-Fast

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER · A Washington Post Notable Nonfiction Book of 2025

“With propulsive humor and perspective on her annus horribilis, Jong-Fast achieves the memoir’s transformative work of alchemy, arming us all with lines so good you won’t just want to underline them, you will want to cut them out to share.” —The Washington Post

“This raw, intimate memoir is a stunning portrait of difficult relationships and how we survive them.” —People

“Molly Jong-Fast’s memoir is mesmerizing, intimate, wise, unputdownable, crazily honest, heartbreaking, funny, illuminating—beautiful and painful at the same time, just like real life.” —Anne Lamott

From the political writer and podcaster, a ferociously honest and disarmingly funny memoir about her elusive mother’s encroaching dementia and a reckoning with her complicated childhood

Molly Jong-Fast is the only child of a famous woman, writer Erica Jong, whose sensational book Fear of Flying launched her into second-wave feminist stardom. She grew up yearning for a connection with her dreamy, glamorous, just out of reach mother, who always seemed to be heading somewhere that wasn’t with Molly. When, in 2023, Erica was diagnosed with dementia just as Molly’s husband discovered he had a rare cancer, Jong-Fast was catapulted into a transformative year.

How to Lose Your Mother is a compulsively readable memoir about an intense mother–daughter relationship, a sometimes chaotic upbringing with a fame-hungry parent, and the upheavals that challenge our hard-won adulthood. A pitch-perfect balance of acceptance and rage, humor and heart, How to Lose Your Mother tells a universal story of loss alongside a singular story of a literary life. This is a memoir that will stand alongside the classics of the genre.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Biography, Biography Memoir, Autobiography, Grief

Audible Audio

First published June 3, 2025

Reviews

[Cathy Oliver · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm sure this was a cathartic write for the author, but somewhere between the name drops, references to wealth, humiliating metaphors to describing her mother who, shockingly, is still alive and suffering with dementia, I totally checked out.

The whole thing smacked of a white, privileged girl stamping her foot at injustices which were never made clear, aside from her being left with the nanny a lot. And I couldn't shake the feeling that the tone of disdain was an affectation, a mask to imitate good writing.

After repeatedly stating 'I know that's a mean thing to say', you start to wonder why the author doesn't just stop saying mean things. It’s as though the nod to self-awareness assuages her guilt for the callous, unnecessary remarks.

This protracted, repetitive therapy session ironically bemoans Erica Jong's narcissism. But all I could think was, you sound just like the woman you are describing, and I came away from the book feeling I hadn't learnt anything meaningful about either of them.

I'm sure this review will be the exception, but it's not surprising to me that this author's bibliography relies heavily on childhood anecdotes of run-ins with the semi-famous and filial angst... so maybe give your mother some credit?

[emma · Rating 3 out of 5]

my personal mother and grandmother got a real kick out of this title, so i was sure i'd get a kick out of the book.

and it was certainly very honest.

i think most of us would be resistant to the admission that even in the worst year of our lives (for our author, the year her mother got dementia, her husband got cancer, and several family members died) we are still by and large ourselves, in all our flaws.

but, although this is not very long, at a certain point it's just too much honesty.

the author's mother, the second-wave feminist author erica jong, is still alive. the author's husband, in spite of a pancreatic cancer diagnosis, is still alive. there's something about that that makes all of the "mean thing[s] to say," to use the author's phrase, feel a little cruel in their now-public state.

i do think this was funny and clever, and i do think it was painfully, brashly honest. i also think it felt mean and small by the end, filled with so much of the name dropping and narcissism the author has so much resentment for her mother for.

bottom line: this review feels mean, but...this book is meaner.

(thanks to the publisher for the copy)

[Dee (in the Desert) · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars, rounded up. I like Molly Jong-Fast a lot as a political commentator, and back in “the day” I pretty much read all of her mother, Erica Jong’s work, through the mid 70’s to the aughts. I had heard that Erica had dementia and since I am also caring for my own super elderly mom, I chose to read this fascinating memoir. Molly’s childhood of maternal narcissism and neglect really resonated with me. I also learned a lot about both women & their family and think this is one of the better memoirs I’ve ever read - bonus cause it’s a fast read. Recommend, especially if you don’t know either of them - they’re both such awesome women writers!

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've suggested to writers embarking upon memoirs that it's helpful to find the universality in your experience, unique as your life might be. Yes, Molly Jong-Fast has serious literary DNA inside her -- daughter of Erica Jong, granddaughter of Howard Fast -- but what makes her memoir extraordinary is how so many people will be able to relate to her experience dealing with her elderly mother and stepfather's physical decline WHILE her own husband is (suddenly) seriously ill, too. I know firsthand the emotional horror of moving a parent into assisted living -- the parent's anger and confusion, your own guilt and self-loathing -- and this is the sort of trauma Jong-Fast captures and conveys with eloquence, candor, and self-deprecating humor. Sure, you WILL learn more about the authors of "Fear of Flying" and "Spartacus," but you will always have moments in which you will nod sympathetically and think to yourself, "Yup. I know that pain. . ."

[Marika · Rating 5 out of 5]

How much of who we are is because of our relationships with our mothers? Are we ever our own person? This beautiful memoir touches on that, and is actually one of the best memoirs that I've ever read. (and I read a LOT of memoirs). The author has such a fluid way of writing that readers will feel like they are reading a letter from a favorite friend. Jong-Fast is transparent about the fact that she feels angry and annoyed with her mother, while at the same time loving them fully. Relationships are never one dimensional and there is room for all the emotions, especially when your parent is a narcissist like the author's mother was. Her mother sucked all the air out of every room that she was in, all the while being touted as a celebrity.
The author drops some hints about some well known people but not in a salacious way, but more of this is my normal life. (but I'd love to ask her some questions about some of these celebrities)

Who is Molly's mother you ask? It's Erica Jong, novelist and author of the wildly popular book The Fear of Flying. Put this book on your tbr list. It's that good.

*I read an advance copy and was not compensated

[Patty Mahoney · Rating 2 out of 5]

Memoir misses mark

This poor author needs a good editor and a good psychiatrist. She relates one story in many iterations that leave the reader bored. She jumps from self-pity to self-loathing in a manic manner.

[midori · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ll start by saying 2 things: 1) I think MJF’s social and political commentary is often astute and sharp, which is what piqued my interest in picking this up; 2) I had NO idea who Erica Jong was (is?)

I typically don’t rate memoir-style books because I find it to be unfair to rate someone’s lived experience, but my rating comes from a couple of key things: first, this is a book that could have benefitted from a bit more time in editing, namely: linearity, sentence structure, awkward segues. I get wanting a narrative to be in line with how one speaks, but this often wasn’t conveyed. Secondly: I don’t see the point in saying something, often to follow up with the placative statement of “I know that’s mean/harsh/I am such a bad daughter.” The goal of a memoir is often to share difficult or complex feelings, so if you genuinely feel that way, why put it to paper? The name-dropping was also excessive and often eye roll inducing as it didn’t offer any context or clarity to the overall narrative, but instead came across as casual brags (whether intended or not — for instance, why do I care that you distantly know members of the Sackler family? Or Calvin Klein’s kid? I just don’t?).

This is not to dismiss the read entirely. I’m sure this was cathartic as hell for MJF to write, and I do empathize for her growing up with a neglectful and emotionally absent mother. However, this didn’t necessarily embody what I look for in a memoir.

[Eileen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the book. I was a fan of Fear of Flying back when it came out. Molly has had a dysfunctional relationship with her mother all her life but now she has a mother with dementia she has to step up to the plate as caretaker/mother, a role she really had no model for. Despite Erica Jong’s poor parenting skills, Molly has met her demons head on and is now the sober adult in the room. She definitely rises to the occasion and writes about it it with insight, humor, honesty and love.

[Hayley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Gave it 30 pages. DNF. Absolute drivel. I stopped it at the point she declared that her and her husband were distantly related. No thanks. Constant name-dropping and references to a world of complete and utter privilege that I have no time for.

[Susan · Rating 2 out of 5]

A cathartic write for Molly. I respect her journalism, but this was a struggle to finish. White privilege abounds with no recognition.

[Beth Gordon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a memoir, and I try to go easy on memoirs, as it's a person's own journey. And who am I to judge someone else's journey? But... I had a number of problems with this one.

1. This needed an editor. Sometimes, or even often, the author would bring things up without any context. For instance, she told us stuff about Matt before the reader knew that Matt was her husband. Can you tell us that first? There was also something about Ken her stepfather that was released similarly very late in the memoir with no explanation and then she later explains it in the next chapter. This felt very stream of consciousness with little structure.

2. Maybe along the same lines as #1 above. I think more explanation was needed in places. For example, the author puts her mother Erica Jong in a nursing facility after her dementia got worse. (The author put her mother in a very expensive nursing facility, as she said at least 10x.) Not that I think anything is wrong with this. When I listened to the author in an interview, though, she itemized many reasons why her mother moving in with her wouldn't have worked. But the memoir didn't state any of those reasons. Why not? I think there would be nothing wrong with stating that because the author is sober and her mother is an alcoholic, she didn't want her mother to live with her. To me, it felt the author hit some points relentlessly, like the expensive nursing home and how her mother was terrible, but left many untouched that would have resonated more with readers.

3. I am the exact age as the author. I felt like she needed some more space between the year of 2023 and writing this memoir. Get some therapy, process all of this. THEN write the memoir. Many parts came across like she was trying to assuage her guilt toward her mother vs. writing a true memoir. "She was a terrible mother, ergo I shouldn't HAVE to be a good daughter. But of course I was wracked by guilt."

4. Writing style. "My mother loved loud, wildly inappropriate clothing..." Why don't you describe what she would wear (beyond the undone robe around the house) instead of just saying it's inappropriate? I would appreciate coming to my own conclusions as a reader.

5. The narcissism and vapidness the author describes of her mother...well, I can see the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. There's so much name dropping.

It's not that this memoir isn't worth reading because I think it can be. It's more that I think it's worth going in with your eyes open.

[Lynn Asmus · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF
The author tells us she is dyslexic and could not keep up with her classmates because she couldn’t read. She is thrown out of one private school in third grade. Then she is denied admission to another private school because she throws a tantrum during the interview. This was not her first public fit though. When she was “very young” she threw a fit in the pediatrician’s office. As punishment that time she was made to write “I will not make a public scene” 100 times but was allowed to stop at 50. This stopped me in my tracks. Does it sound likely she would have the ability to accomplish that punishment being unable to read? This may seem to be a small point but by the time I got to this anecdote I was already sick of MJF and her whining. And as this strikes me as unbelievable, I’m suspect of everything else she has to say.

[CatReader · Rating 1 out of 5]

Molly Jong-Fast is an American writer, daughter of two mildly relevant people from the 1970s, Erica Jong and Jonathan Fast; I wasn't familiar with any of the trio before picking up this book. Jong-Fast's 2025 memoir How to Lose Your Mother narrates her 2023 'annus horribilis': a year marked by putting her mother and stepfather in a nursing home, losing her stepfather to Parkinson’s, watching her mother deteriorate from dementia, and dealing with her husband’s terrible pancreatic cancer diagnosis. While I went into this book expecting emotional rawness, what I found was something that felt less like memoir and more like a 256-page trauma dump with very little insight, resolution, or self-awareness to offer in return.

Jong-Fast, despite being in her mid-40s, still appears emotionally tethered to the role of a wounded daughter, with the emotional maturity of the book stuck somewhere in late adolescence. She seems want to be free of her narcissistic mother (speaking and writing about her in the past tense already) while also seemingly being unable to focus on anything else. Jong-Fast frequently acknowledges how guilty she feels writing a book like this while her mother is still alive that will undoubtedly tarnish her mother's reputation before she's had the chance to be buried and eulogized, but unlike Jennette McCurdy's I’m Glad My Mom Died, there’s not much catharsis or earned growth here. Just rumination, fixation, and a deep need for public validation that honestly felt more like something to be processed in therapy than published for wide readership.

I listened to the audiobook narrated by Jong-Fast and would not recommend it. I was actively irritated, as Jong-Fast veered into performance territory via shifting pitch, dramatizing, and sometimes shouting her frustrations into the void in an unfiltered, solipsistic stream-of-consciousnesses.

I rarely finish a book and feel a strong aversion to everyone involved, but this was an exception. I didn’t know much about Molly Jong-Fast or her mother before this book, and after reading it, I can’t say I’d want to. The persecution complexes, the self-aggrandizement, and the emotional myopia did not engender positive feelings in this reader. Everyone here seemed unpleasant and emotionally stunted, and the memoir didn’t offer enough reflection or universality to make the discomfort feel worthwhile. This should've stayed a therapy session or a private journal.

My statistics:
Book 243 for 2025
Book 2169 cumulatively

[tenderjas · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the daughter of an unreachable single mother, I knew I would relate to this book and it did not disappoint. And while it wasn’t necessarily the point, Jong-Fast also captured the fallout of Covid with profundity. “I knew some people who died of Covid, mostly fathers. But the more subtle losses, like the loss of my parents, those are harder to quantify. They blur into some kind of tapestry of missing pieces, a life that is oddly unconnected to itself.” I loved this, a good read that speaks straight to the heart.

[Jennie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I couldn't finish this. There are several references to eye-rolling situations, but she never follows up with the what happened to elicit this response. She's trading in on her mother's reputation and I, for one, don't care how many famous people she knows.

[Diane · Rating 3 out of 5]

You never grow out of your unhappy childhood.

Anyone who has a narcissistic parent could relate to this book. I was vaguely familiar with Molly Jong-Fast because of her occasional appearances on cable news and podcasts, but it was only recently I realized that she was the daughter of Erica Jong, the writer known for her bestselling 1973 novel "Fear of Flying."*

Molly's memoir covers a difficult period in which she was trying to care for her mother (a narcissist with dementia), her aging stepfather, and her husband's cancer diagnosis. It was her own annus horribilis. Molly also shares stories from her unhappy childhood, and we see how much Molly was emotionally neglected.

I listened to this on audio, read by Molly herself, and the performance was uneven enough that I rounded my 3.5 rating down to 3. Perhaps if I had read the book in print I would have rounded up to 4. Regardless, I would still recommend this memoir to those seeking commiseration about caregiving for aging parents.

*I started but never finished Erica's novel that coined the phrase "zipless fuck." It's been decades since I picked it up, but I remember being unimpressed with the writing and didn't care how it ended.

Meaningful Quotes
"Maybe the difference between a bad childhood and a good childhood is that you never escape a bad childhood. Years later you’re still trying to fix it."

"One of the things about being dependent on someone who was constitutionally incapable of being honest with herself was that she was also constitutionally incapable of being honest with me."

"She was so trapped in her own narcissism that she wasn’t really able to fake it for a conversation."

"I was, unfortunately, part of that odd generation for whom sexual harassment was something you just sat back and agreed with."

[paraphrased]
How can you tell when a narcissist has dementia? You can't.

[Camelia Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book because: 1. I am drawn to memoirs about mother-daughter relationships; 2. I like Molly Jong-Fast and I used to follow her when I still had a twitter account. I didn’t know much about Erica Jong except that she was her mother. How to Lose Your Mother is a candid memoir. I am totally not surprised that Erica Jong, a once famous writer, was a narcissist, high-functioning alcoholic and a mother who was quick with praises both in public and in private but couldn’t stand spending time with her daughter. As the author says, her mother treated her like an expensive accessory. Molly recalls an incident where she felt unsafe around one of her mother’s boyfriends when she was 14, but her concern was ignored by the woman who was supposed to protect her. Yet, Molly Jong-Fast loved her mother deeply. "She was a damaged person", the author writes. She uses past tense even when her mother is still alive, albeit demented. It's a co-dependent relationship.

It’s interesting that the author mentioned Joan Didion several times. Didion’s daughter was "terribly unhappy", the author writes. If she meant that Quintana was also Didion’s accessory I wouldn’t be surprised.

It's a good read, heartfelt and funny. My only complaint is that perhaps Molly should have let someone else read the book. The memoir is short, but I think Molly still has a lot to unpack.

Quotes:

“My mom still had a few friends, but she always had trouble getting along with people who were not men she wanted to seduce…she was one of those women who related best to men. Also she had a pathologic need to write about everyone all the time. ”

“It’s funny, but even after so many years of knowing my mother, I still could be surprised at who she was, or maybe it was that I just could never really accept who she was.”

“Bourgeois life is boring, filled with shopping trips and boring interactions with other boring, affluent people. Rarely was there a tragedy in bourgeois life, so we always had to go and make our own.”

“Because she was at the time famous, people gave her a lot of leeway, but such an allowance is a favor to no one, least of all to the narcissist. Being able to get away from everything made her in fact very boring. I am reminded of this when I watched people like Elon Musk existed in the world. You need someone in your life who can tell you you are bullshit.”


Here is the first paragraph of the New York Times article on Erica Jong.: “Fifty years ago last month, Erica Jong published a debut novel that went on to sell more than 20 million copies. “Fear of Flying,” a book so sexually frank that you may have found it hidden in your mother’s underwear drawer, broke new ground in the explicitness of writing by and for women. Jong’s heroine, Isadora Wing, was a live wire. She was also a dead end, certainly for Jong, and maybe for feminism, too.”

Today’s women should thank the 1960s sex-positive feminists for breaking the taboo. On the other hand, in the last 20 years feminism as a whole has moved on. It’s not that the new feminism is sex-negative, not at all, but the matter around sex is never simple and there is a lot more to do than sex or sex drives.

[Marjorie Murstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

So honest. So compelling. It reads as if it were an audible book. I didn’t want it to end

[Jacqueline Blue · Rating 1 out of 5]

this book...palm to face....it started off strong. the more I read, the more annoyed I got with the author of this memoir. this is clearly written by a self absorbed spoiled unappreciative brat who continues to refer to herself as the "worst child ever" but has to continue to make sure that she lets her readers know that everything she has done and everything her mom gave her in her life was the most expensive and the highest quality. honey ..your life was NOT that bad according to this book. we also didn't need all these celebrity name drops. we get it, your mom was famous and mingled with everyone ...you were not famous but secretly enjoyed living in your mom's shadow constantly acting like someone owes you something. also when life got tough...YOU LEFT!!!! your husband got cancer and had to have an important procedure done...YOU LEFT!! your mother's husband died and you spent the first Christmas of her not having him by her side AWAY IN ANOTHER STATE. I can't even feel any sympathy for this author. this was probably the most selfish memoir I have ever read and a waste of 242 pages

[Betty · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kind of an incredibly dangerous book if you grew up with an abusive, narcissistic parent and haven't healed from it. Self blaming, repetitive and exceptionally contrite. I can tell how conflicted the author is and can only suggest my therapist (shout out to Jennie). It isn't your fault, girl, damn.

[Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not for everyone. But it was exactly what I needed at this exact time in my life. And the audiobook made it feel like I was sitting down with Molly for a long evening chat.

[Maureen Grigsby · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir by the daughter of Erica Jong was interesting but also, profoundly sad. Molly Jong-Fast believes that she has not been a good daughter, but not only has she been there for her mother in a way that her mother wasn’t there for her, she is also an only child! The only one who CAN be there and HAS to be there, no matter what is happening in her own life. Molly often felt that she had the weight of the world on her, dealing with a narcissistic, demented mother, a demented stepfather, and the same time, a husband who was undergoing cancer treatment. I listened to this one on audio, since I see her on tv all the time and am used to her voice. Her fears and regrets about her relationship with her mother are shared by many. I hated listening to her be so hard on herself. It just shows the long term effect of parenting, both good and bad!

[Mirae · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m stunned that I loved this book—I wasn’t even going to read it! I’ve never been interested in Erica Jong or her writing, never heard of her daughter, the author. It was the blurb by Anne Lamott that got me interested, as she is one of my favorite writers.

I tore through it. The honesty was funny and propulsive, warm and rare. Usually books so steeped in privilege repel me, but not this one. Molly Jong-Fast, thank you.

[Juliebrown · Rating 2 out of 5]

Basically, this book is about old age and dementia. There are no mommy-dearest moments or jaw dropping stories.

[Alan Chrisman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Author's mother was Erica Jong wrote 70's feminist bestseller "Fear of Flying." Her mother often not around and daughter still grappling with it; "I'm a bad daughter, but." Whole another side of her famous mother, married 4 times, despite being seen as a proponent of womens' independence and sexuality, her mother dependent on men. Her mother now has dementia so there's a lot of anger and sadness throughout the book. Quite the contrast with when daughter interviewed her mother for a Playboy broadcast in 2017.

[SusanTalksBooks · Rating 2 out of 5]

*** 9/29/25 *** DNF @ 20%. While I had interest in the book's content, it feels like it would have benefited from being written with a professional non-fiction writer (even as a ghost) to preserve a slightly less intensely personal view of the author, Molly Jong-Fast's, upbringing by Erica Jong. For me this book's writing style and tone were a little too flighty, too semi-sarcastic, too verbally stylistic in her reflections, and I needed more grounding (timeline, perspective?) in the story.

But the biggest thing that has led to my DNF is the reading of the book by the author. Her reading style follows a very distinct downward intonation at the middle / end of most sentences. While that is often a technique to avoid the upward-at-the-end style which is also not good, I found it very strong and repetitive as a listener. Additionally, in certain sections (recorded at different times?), she would add a syllable to the end of many words, particularly at the end of a sentence, but at a lower tonal level. It is almost like a different version of a valley girl accent: I was so sa-ad. Put another wa-ay. So still following that downward intonation pattern but within a word. I suppose it is like music - some sounds you love and some you don't, and unfortunately Ms. Jong-Fast's reading of the audiobook posed challenges for this reader. Your mileage may vary.

*** 9/22/25 *** Just started this memoir via audiobook, read by the author, who is the daughter of the famous Erica Jong who wrote Fear of Flying in the early 70's as a sexual revolution / feminism iconic novel of the time.

I'm only 12% in to Molly's memoir and it is clear that Molly and her mother's relationship was and is 'challenging' to say the least. Erica Jong is still alive at 83, and living in a nursing home with dementia, diagnosed in the early 2020's, and disclosed/discussed in the very early parts of the book, so this is no spoiler. Review coming soon.

[Jill Meyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I love my mother”. “I hate my mother”.

The year 2023 was an Annus Horribilis for author Molly Jong-Fast. Her husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and her mother, author Erika Jong, had faded into dementia along with her fourth husband. It was the third year of Covid but things in society were still at sixes-and-sevens. But that seems to have been what Molly’s life had always been. As Jong’s only child, Molly was either greatly loved and lavished with attention or left with a nanny for months while Jong travelled the world, “dining out” on her fame.

Jong-Fast is the daughter of an alcoholic and is one herself. She joined AA very early and has maintained her hard fought-for sobriety, whereas her mother has refused to deal with her problems. Molly has married once and has three children.

One of the worst things a parent can do is to be inconsistent emotionally with the child. By that I mean is that the child never knows how her parent will act when they’re together. Will she be loved? Will she be yelled at? Or just ignored? Narcissistic parents seem to be the worst at this and Molly readily admits her mother is a narcissist.

Molly’s memoir is very interesting and well written.

[Dave N'renee · Rating 1 out of 5]

What a spoiled rotten, unappreciative, name-dropping, irresponsible human!

[Claudia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was ready for the tragedy of dementia, certainly, for the fraught childhood of the daughter of a celebrity. For soul-searching. But I was NOT ready for Molly Jong-Fast and her husband to also struggle with a diagnosis of cancer. To navigate so many shocks and tragedies and fear, all in the same year...having lost my husband to cancer a year ago, I was gutted by this. I listened to the Audible, read by Molly. It seemed as if she was crying as she read the last few pages. I was, too. I was sobbing.

[Christie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not going to be for everyone. For me, however, it was incredibly cathartic.