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218 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
During the period of greatest exhaustion everything became clear: the mind was hauling the body along with it. The automatism of movement, its reflex nature, its age-old correlation with the mental impulse - all that was gone. It turned out, for example, that the vertical posture was by no means inherent in the body; the conscious will had to hold the body under control, otherwise it would slither away as if it were falling down a cliff. The will had to lift it up and sit it down and lead it from object to object. On the worst days it was not only difficult climbing stairs, it was very hard to walk on level ground. And now the will was becoming involved in things it had not been concerned with since it was born. "See, I'm walking along," it says, "that is, I really mean my body is walking and I have to keep a sharp eye on it. Let's say I move my right leg forward, the left one moves back, pivots on its toes and bends at the knee (how poorly it manages that!), then it pulls itself off the ground and moves forward through the air, then lowers itself, as the right leg contrives to move back. Hell knows! You have to watch the way it goes back, otherwise you could fall over." It was the most ghastly dancing lesson. (p.8-9)
Thus we observe the law of forgetfulness, one of the cornerstones of social existence; along with the law of remembrance - the law of history and art, guilt, and remorse. Herzen said of it: "He who could live through it must have the strength to remember." (p.22)
In besieged Leningrad we saw everything - but fear least of all. People heard the whistle of shells over their heads with indifference. Waiting for a shell you know is coming is considerably harder; but everyone knew that if you heard it, it wasn't going to land on you this time. (p.31)
Death can be successfully suppressed for the very reason that it is not accessible to experience. It's an abstraction of non-existence or the emotion of fear. In the first case it belongs to the category of unimaginable imaginings (like eternity, endlessness). In order to conceive of an instant transition from a room and a person to a chaos of brick, metal and flesh, and above all, nonexistence - this is a work of imagination beyond the capacity of many. (p.32)
The possibility of being killed is present in this man's mind, but his immediate sensation is hunger, more precisely the fear of hunger, and his hunger urgency, blindly intent on its goal. One can be conscious of a number of things at the same time, but one can't desire them all at the same time with equal intensity. (p.36)
A person will go into genuine hysterics over one queue-jumper who edges in front of him - and then after getting his ration, the same person will stand for half and hour chatting to a friend, talking freely now, like someone here of his own free will. While he was in the queue, he was caught up, like all the rest, in the physical craving for movement, however illusory. Those at the back shout to those in front: "Come on, get a move on, what's the hold up?" And there'd be some philosopher, ignorant o the mechanics of mental states, who will be sure to respond: "Why push up? It'll be no quicker for that." (p.41)
She slices off, or adds solid square pieces from those lying on a board nearby; you can't take one and eat it. It's taboo. The entire vast social mechanism guards these morsels from the outstretched human hand. Nothing more lies between them - no lock, no police, no queue. Just the immense abstraction of social prohibition. (p.48)
The more meagre the raw material involved, the closer it approached mania. All the maniacal activity stemmed from a single premise: just eating was too simple, left too little trace. Siege cookery resembled art - it conferred tangibility on things. Above all, every product had to cease being itself. People made porridge out of bread and bread out of porridge; they made cakes out of greens, and cutlets out of herrings. Elementary materials were transformed into dishes. These efforts at cookery were motivated by the thought that it was tastier or more filling that way. But it wasn't that, it was the pleasure of fiddling about, the enriching of the lingering, protracted process . . . (p.73)
Thinking about "how it would be" (which is what everybody was thinking about . . .) we continually miscalculated, ascribing too much significance to the mortal danger factor. It turned out to be simpler just to go to the front line than to halt the mechanisms. It was an unequal choice between danger close at hand, certain and familiar (the management's displeasure) and the outcome of something as yet distant, unresolved, and above all, incomprehensible. (p.81)
Suffering and death on a large scale was never the exclusive mark of war; epidemics and natural disasters engulf entire cities. What particularizes war is the combination of these possibilities with an extreme lack of freedom, open, loudly declared, dispensing with the need for camouflage. (p.87)
I can't recall who said in answer to various medical warnings: "Living is dangerous - people die of it." (p.94)
"What do you do?" they asked Professor R, who had got stranded in Leningrad during the siege winter. He responded: "I eat." (p.97)
Irritations and humiliations pervaded existence. At some canteens and offices there were lavatories, terrible, without water. There would be a queue to use them. People didn't hide the fact that they couldn't wait (one of the symptoms of dystrophy). In the editorial office where I used to go, there was only one lavatory.
The girls, ordinary girls usually without any indecent intentions, used to shout out to any man who had been sat there for any length of time for him to hurry up. The man (young) would reply coolly from behind the door - also without intentional indecency: "You want me to come out without any pants on, do you?" (p.102)