Dictates of Conscience: From Mormon High Priest to My New Life as a Woman

by Laurie Lee Hall

Laurie Lee Hall’s growing-up years were defined by the conflict between her physical condition as a boy and her inherent identity as a girl. Unable to explain or resolve her gender dysphoria, she committed to living her adult life as a male. She joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, eventually becoming chief architect of its temples and an ecclesiastical leader. In her church and community, rigid adherence to gender roles is not only the norm, but the defining issue of a faith that doctrinally declares one’s gender as an “eternal identity.” Against this traditional backdrop, Hall finally received spiritual confirmation and personally accepted that she was transgender and always had been. In this remarkable memoir, Laurie Lee details how she risked everything to live true to her long-suppressed gender identity.

Through the power of lived experience, Laurie Lee’s story affirms the reality of gender identity and the strength and joy of self-acceptance.

Genres: LGBT, Memoir, Nonfiction, Religion, Biography Memoir, Mormonism, Lds

Audible Audio

Published March 3, 2025

Reviews

[♥Milica♥ · Rating 4 out of 5]

After finishing Dictates of Conscience, I feel the need to give Laurie Lee a great big hug.

Reading about her journey, and the struggles she faced on the way to her transition, was, at times, really painful, bringing tears to my eyes. It was also quite insightful, and I think everyone who is a part of the LGBTQIA+ community would benefit from giving it a read.

I'm so glad Laurie is finally living her truth, I'm wishing her nothing but bright days ahead.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I saw the announcement for this book’s release in a Salt Lake Tribune article and immediately wanted to read Laurie Lee’s story. I am glad I did. She is an incredible person, spiritually strong and honors her true self. While reading of her experiences in the Mormon church through her life, a lot resonated with me as a former member of that church. She hangs on to her commitment to the church that often hurts her, far, far longer than I was able to. She continues to serve in every possible capacity to help others through their trials. This book is hopeful and brings to light the morally grey areas that are overlooked or denied by LDS church authorities, giving a call to action and hoping for improvement in the treatment of LGBTQ+ members of the church and of the country in general. It is impossible to read her story and not feel empathy and gain some understanding of gender dysphoria and all of the complications it brings with it in many areas of a person’s life. Highly recommend to any open-minded conservative or nuanced Mormon, and recommend on a general level to anyone wanting to learn or feel something new.

[Stephanie Watson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Laurie is a masterful storyteller. Loved her fascinating story!

[Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

a modern day Job

Incredible story. I came away better understanding the struggles of living in this world as a transgender individual. I’m disheartened that a religious institution could be so cruel and blind, but I’m so glad Laurie has found peace. I hope I can be a worthy ally for others who struggle in similar ways.

[Shelli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Laurie Lee Hall has written a powerful memoir about her experience living as a male for many years even though she knew from childhood that she was female. Gender dysphoria is a complex and painful condition, and those who deal with it experience depression, anxiety, anger, fear, and frustration. The current political environment in the US has emboldened many "Christians" and others to unfairly target this small percentage of the population, thinking they can blame numerous troubles in this country on a group of people who just want to be who they are, live their lives, and be left alone.

Laurie Lee Hall's experience in the Mormon church illustrates the gap between the teachings of Jesus Christ and the actions of leaders who lack empathy and compassion for the suffering that people with gender dysphoria experience. Following the dictates of her own conscience, rather than relying on the unloving words of leaders who claim to speak for God, frees Laurie Lee and all of us who choose to live a more expansive and inclusive type of love. I have seen the pain caused by gender dysphoria up close, and each transgender person deserves our love and compassion, not our rejection and judgment. They certainly shouldn't be kicked out of their spiritual communities. Thank you Laurie Lee for writing your truth, for being an advocate for transgender people, and for exemplifying a life of service and compassion for all.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

Laurie's story is SO POWERFUL! If you care about or want to learn about the experiences of trans people (especially in a high demand religion), I can highly recommend this book to you. Ms. Hall writes so clearly and beautifully about her struggles, blessings, discrimination, and gifts & talents. This book is like a window into her soul. I cried tears of joy for her as the book ended with her at peace with her authentic self, which is a pursuit every human has the right to.

[Tania · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not great writing, and of course the narrator has flaws and blind spots, but the story is incredibly compelling. It is simply a must-read for any member of the LDS church as we navigate the new realities of a more complex gendered world than the one we've been doctrinally clinging to so far. In a church that has doubled down on binary genders with natural/forever roles for males and females (which simply does not hold up in the face on science and ongoing human experience), the story of Laurie Lee Hill is a critical one to hear and sit with.

Born and identified as male, Laurie Lee spent her whole life feeling off and lamenting the ways in which she was expected to be different from her sisters when girlhood felt so much more natural. But she tried to follow the script that was handed to her. She served a mission, married a woman in the Temple, had children, served as a Bishop several times, became the chief architect for the Church (overseeing the design and building of many temples and projects highly familiar to church members, including the massive MTC overhaul and the Provo Tabernacle Temple), and served as a Stake President for 9 years before finally transitioning to female after decades of awful internal struggle and years of guidance from mental health professionals. I don't know of any other trans story to go from such a patriarchal height in the church to the ostracization that came with this transition.

I appreciated her identification with Esther - someone who was placed in the corridors of power for "such a time as this" - she met with the Quorum of the 12 and the First Presidency monthly for many years. They knew her well as a competent architect and faithful church leader. It did not save her membership, but surely her story will have made a greater impression on church leaders than anyone else save a member of their own families.

The hardest piece of the story was Laurie Lee's wife's journey. We only get her perspective filtered through the narrator, but even with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of heartfelt sympathy, that is a hard thing to watch/read. Her brain just could not accommodate the disconnect between what her husband was experiencing and what she had been taught to believe and it was painful. It's objectively a terrible thing to have to experience -- everything you thought you knew falling to pieces; your marriage upended in the strangest and most difficult of ways. I alternated between weeping for her and wanting to shake her. She doesn't get a happy ending in this memoir and I am still haunted by that. Hope she finds one eventually.

[Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Laurie Lee Hall recounts her long struggle with gender dysphoria and eventual transition to female in her 50s. At times heartrending, Hall relates her deep struggle to authentically accept herself as female and then the courage and integrity it took to fully live that life outwardly. Complicating her story is her life’s chosen path – as the head architect of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint and responsible for the design and construction of many dozens of temples and other church buildings around the world. The LDS church takes a very conservative view of gender identity and basically conflates gender identity and sex at birth. Hall makes it clear that gender identity and sex determined at birth are two very different things. She also makes it clear that the church’s own pronouncements can be understood to support an individual’s gender identity, whether or not that identity comports with primary sexual characteristics at birth. The most fascinating thing about this book for me is Hall’s experience with the leaders of the LDS church, the general church’s struggle with LGBTQ+ issues, and the unloving way Hall was repeatedly treated by general and local leaders. Hall did have supportive, positive experiences at church after she transitioned but ultimately, she says, “Though I fought for years to keep my seat on the bus, I finally decided that I no longer wanted to be on that bus. It just wasn’t bound for where I wanted to go” (p 398). Laurie Lee Hall, now in semi-retirement, has found joy and peace in her life but it required a great deal of pain and loss to get there. This book is helpful for anyone who is interested in understanding more about the journey and burden of being transgender.

[Christine Rollins LeStarge · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone trying to understand a transgender Mormon experience. Laurie Lee lays it out — how you can try your hardest for years in the faith and it won’t take your true identity away. Her life and her commitment to a higher power is admirable, and she writes about it in a compelling way — by telling her life story, with a very generously kind spirit toward all in her life (including all of the people in the church that ended up causing her much pain.) What a beautiful gift to give to the world!

[Mike Rudolph · Rating 5 out of 5]

worthwhile read

A VERY worthwhile read…which should be required for ALL LDS leadership especially the GENERAL leaders.
ALL ARE CHILDREN OF GOD, therefore we cannot marginalize those that are different.
Our church must understand and accept all…isn’t this the christlike attitude we say we strive to reach?

[Brittany F · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook which is read by the author. It starts off a little boring if you know most of the information she shares about transgender issues, but of course it's important to include in her book. I don't read memoirs often because they usually leave me feeling sad. That is not the case with this book.

Once she started sharing stories from her life I was captivated! This is a beautiful, tragic, inspiring story. I am amazed at Laurie Lee's courage and kindness in all the opposition she has faced. As difficult as some of the situations are to read about it was still an encouraging and uplifting book. I laughed. I cried. I will recommend this to anyone, but especially those who don't have much perspective of being transgender and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We all have so much to learn.

[Kelsy Williamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been recommending this book to anyone who can hear my voice. Seriously SUCH an important story to be shared. Overwhelmed currently with emotions of love for Laurie Lee

[Juline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well written, heartfelt, amazing memoir. I can’t recommend this book highly enough for anyone wanting to understand the transgender experience, particularly those in any conservative religion. A must-read for anyone who is or was LDS.

[Allie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m so grateful to people who write about their personal experiences that are so different than mine. Heartbreaking read. Also inspiring.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned so much and admire Lauri Lee for her courage in telling her story. The story line flowed well. I read the whole book in 2 days, something I don’t do often.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this is the best memoir I've read. Certainly it's my favorite that I can remember reading. I was so moved by Laurie Lee's life story and her experiences. She's an incredible, inspiring woman and I'm glad she shared her story with the world so I could read it.

[Marilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Laurie Lee Hall, thank you for sharing your story. As a former Mormon, I was interested in your interactions with the Church as you transitioned (the results being as expected, unfortunately). And also your history of dealing with gender identify throughout your life. Something I had very little knowledge of and wanted to understand. You're a very brave woman for following the dictates of your conscience.

[Nathan Hoyt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been working to gain a better insight for the trans experience. Even though I have read several books on this topic, I found this book gave me several insights I did not understand. As with many of the other books from those that have transitioned, it is hard to read just how much pain and emotional turmoil trans individuals must endure.

Having been raised and in the Mormon church for most of my life, the intersection of someone that was very successful in having an important role in the business side of the church intersecting with Laurie Lee's transition was quite interesting - even if the eventual outcome was predictable.

I am impressed with her willingness to stand up for herself and for others while knowing she will be attacked, but having a heart to do it for herself, but for many others. The books title does describe Laurie Lee Hall.

[Carrie Higginbotham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating and inspiring story.

[Jeanne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was disappointed by Hall's believing in the Mormon church, and expecting good behavior from them when she decided to openly transition.