Scissor Me Timbers

by Phrique

My Dearest Inamorata, Virgin Mary:
I beseech thy heavenly help.
For a seductive serpent
has found it fit
to infiltrate my lady garden and
enchant my convent
with her feminine wiles.
My daily thoughts drift
to her most holy of places,
before they become
my most fanny-fluttering nightmares.
Lead me not into her slippery path,
for I fear her ultimate pleasure
would lead to my ultimate punishment.
Give me, I prithee,
chastened strength, forsooth.
May I pluck out my eye
that I cast upon her rotund derrière.
May I cut off my arm
that aches to caress her ample bosom.
Keep her womanly entrance
and her blasphemous booty
from my hallucinatory escapades.
Guide my hand so I might smite
this plaid clad vixen’s descent
upon my henhouse.
Transmute me
into a voluptuous vessel
for your wrath,
Give me the vengeance
I implore
Before the demoness sees fit
to devour us all.
Pray for us sinners,
Mother Superior 💋

Genres: Horror, Splatterpunk

Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 2025

About the author

Phrique /frēk/ noun.

1. An exhibition, a strange deviation from nature. Adorable, Evil.

2. An extremely new and extremely YOUNG splatterpunk/horror/bizarro author with stories to tell. They’re kinda scary, kinda graphic, kinda campy, kinda stupid, kinda random. Kinda like him.

3. Phrique is a Pisces who enjoys crying and taking baths. His hobbies include angering the townspeople and outliving his enemies. His favorite color is purple & his favorite state is "your mom." Everything frightens him. Who are you people and who let you in here? Unhand me.

He can be found escaping his responsibilities here:

@books.by.phrique on Instagram

Phrique on Goodreads

phrique@icloud dot com

Reviews

[✮ osanna aoki ✮ · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, I’d like to thank Phrique if ya nasty— for providing me with an ARC of Scissor Me Timbers in exchange for my honest review. I’m thoroughly honored to be a part of an ARC team full of the baddest bitches once again. I will always pounce on the opportunity to read any of his work in advance.

Scissor Me Timbers is the nunsploitation book that I didn’t know I needed. I absolutely enjoyed my stay at The Cistercian Nuns of the Valley of Perpetual Felicity Monastery (phew).

This is a novel full of gore, sex, death, curvaceous nuns, secrets, dominatrix-style punishments, apple pie, and lots of poison— oh my!

Phrique has a way of writing stories that are utterly outrageous, creative, and ridiculously witty.

At times, the book was comedic and light— yet deep and provocative. The inner workings of Scissor Me Timbers was much more than meets the eye. This is a story about a convent struggling to accept who they are. It’s full of women who feel as though they must pray the gay away.

I’m so impressed with the writing and characterization. The scene setting and plot building were incredible, too. I felt immersed in the story— connected to the characters, and honestly, Paulina is the baddest to ever do it.

This book had a bad bitch, B.D.E., gruesome ending that left me feeling fiendish while turning the pages.

Orgasmic satisfaction.

Another ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ star read from Phrique— or rather five “Hail Mary’s” if I do say so myself. I’m consistently entertained with his storytelling, his ease with the pen, and all of his signature alliterations and witty stylization.

And again, PAULINA IS THE BADDEST TO DO IT! I’m so gay for babygirl.

xoxo.

[Asher Dark · Rating 5 out of 5]

Paulina made me gay. This book made me gay. PHRIQUE made me gay.

Not only did I laugh at certain parts but this book had so much heart. Witty lines yes and memorable characters but there was also a deeper story. The story of a woman who desperately wanted to pray her gay away no matter the cost.
Obsessed with The Virgin Mary (a demonic dominatrix) she is willing to do anything to not feel the way she does. To not lust for the supple busom of her sisters.
What do you keep in your lady garden?
Wouldn't you love a fresh slice of warm apple pie? Not after reading this I don't.

PHRIQUE is ya nasty has yet to write something that I didn't gobble up like I wanna do some tiddies right now.

[Aiden Messer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dear god. That was blasphemous indeed.
This book was super fun, bloody and nasty!
Great characters, great story, and witty lines, what more can you ask for?

[Yvonne (the putrid Shelf) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had tears, everywhere. Laugh until you fucking cry!

[KorenaJo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I GAVE IT A 4.25 STARS BUT ROUNDED IT UP TO A 5 STAR.
AM I A LESBIAN NOW? JK THIS BOOK WAS HILARIOUS. BLOODY. AND HAD ME CHEERING FOR A SEXY LUMBERJILL! WOULD RECOMMEND TO ANYONE WHO IS A FAN OF HORROR.

[Veronica ☠️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Paulina is a sexy lumberjill lesbian. She's good with her hands, and the ladies appreciate it. One night, while driving home, she has an accident, and her truck falls off a cliff and into trees and woods. When she wakes, she's surrounded by nuns, but what's worse is she has no recollection of her name or who she even is. The nuns decide to take her in and help her out, but she needs a name. Mother Superior calls her Lidwina

Mother Superior runs the show now, but she didn't start off that way. She used to be the only nun in a place full of arrogant priests until one day, Mother Superior or Sister Sarah DeRosa back then, found out some things and decided to take matters into her own hands. With the help from the Virgin Mary, or demons, she managed to changed things around and become the head of everything. But soon enough, Mother Superiors secrets will come to haunt her.

This was such a fantastic read! There are several nuns in here besides Mother Superior, and you will fall in love with them all. Phrique has such a craft in giving each of his characters a voice and very distinctive characteristics. Each nun has their own story, and you will fall in love with them all. The spice was spicy and you will love it! Lots of secrets, demons, gore, and apples! Tons of funny one liners in here and the ending will shock you and could break your heart. I highly suggest grabbing Scissor Me Timbers today and say 5 Hail Marys before reading

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to the author for providing a review copy.

What a fun ride! Nunsploitation is kinda my thing, so I had much interest in Scissor Me Timbers right off the bat. Phrique's writing is so good - he's hilarious and whoo boy can he paint a picture. My only complaint is that it seemed a little long, but I loved the ending and the butch rep. I don't encounter that much, and that's kind of sad. Definitely give this one a whirl if you enjoy over-the-top hilarity, sexy nuns, and gore. 4.25 stars

[Bambi Ortiz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another masterpiece by Phrique!

Maddening because of the men and church. Deliciously devious. Charismatic characters. And The Virgin Mary as a demonic dominatrix. What more could you ask for?

[Lilly Wisely · Rating 5 out of 5]

Master Phrique McNasty himself! First book I’ve read of his and 👏🏻HE DID NOT DISSAPOINT! 👏🏻 If anyone uses the best descriptive words, it is him! I will never look at Nuns, pies, and dirty church men, the same again!! Want a wild, grotesque, ride; then this book is exactly what you need!

[Tasha Todd · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never wanna see or smell an apple pie again in my life and damn sure will never be able to look at a statue of the Virgin Mary without snickering. Shoooo weeeeee.
The cover of this book is what grabbed me. The contents sucked me in and clogged the shower drain with my ample derriere. Move over, mother Superior 😂
The writing in this was superb. The vocabulary usage was refreshing, especially in a splatter.
Some of the one liners I've already used in my life and I love it 😂
Hilarious. Gross. Lovely.

[Stephanie Vicente · Rating 5 out of 5]

The prologue caught my attention and had me wanting to keep reading more of this book , this story was a wild one but enjoyable at the same time. this book was bloody and fun , it was a creative one that left me wanting to keep turning the pages. this was a fantastic read.

[Derrick College · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on the Title alone.. I knew this would be a fun read filled with unholy erotic seduction with a splash of horror and bits of humour. Everything in it made me either go.. oooh or made me giggle. This was a fun read. ⚠️ As I always say… CHECK YOUR TRIGGERS ⚠️

[Eve L. Fell · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5 🍒

Scissor Me Timbers is a wild ride. I loved every minute of it.

Paulina is a lumberjill who enjoys cutting trees down with her trusty chainsaw Winnie. She is also a lebsian who thoroughly enjoys women every chance she gets. Like to a point where everyone in her town knows who she is.

After a night out of drinking with her date Eve, she passes out in her car and wakes up running late to work. She rushes to get there and goes off a cliff, but thank the holy lord that some nuns find her and take her back to their convent to recover and get better.

Unfortunately Paulina wakes up with no memory of who she is or what happened. The nuns name her Lidwina. Liddy becomes the regular fix it up woman. She start repairing the whole convent.

Mother superior the head of the convent is not as happy as the other women to have her there. She is suspicious of Paulina and doesn’t enjoy the temptation of a beautiful woman being there who isn’t a nun. She worked too hard to build this convent for it to be poisoned by a random stranger.

As Liddy begins her journey of remembrance, other things start coming to light that MS would like to keep a secret. She will do ANYTHING to keep those secrets under the ground.

[Heather Kirby · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Scissor Me Timbers” by Phrique: ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️
Well….that was different, and in a very good way! The entire time I was reading, I kept thinking back to the prologue, especially the line: “His vocabulary is beautiful, but he doesn’t use it in a pretentious way. Instead, he weaves it into eloquent prose that makes his novels read like poetry for your soul.” And it couldn’t be more true.
The story itself is a wild ride, full of twists and turns that kept me questioning everything right up until the last page. The smut? Let’s just say it will make you question your morals in the most entertaining way possible. And the well-placed gore adds an edge that ties the whole experience together without ever feeling gratuitous.
If you’re looking for something that stands out from the usual, I definitely recommend this one. It’s a bold, poetic, and slightly unhinged adventure: four solid stars from me!

[Kylie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mother Superior once was in a place with all mean and ignorant priests until one day she couldn’t take it anymore and got rid of them. Now she runs the place and has nuns taking orders from her. Paulina who is a sexy lesbian got into a crash in the woods and they take her in, little does she know that Mother Superior won’t have any of her “gayness” since she herself will do anything to hide she is the same. Let’s just say the Virgin Mary statue won’t let any of that happen no matter what. This book was so much fun and also it had deeper meanings mixed in. Parts had me laughing and other parts had me really thinking about things. I really enjoyed this story for everything it is.

[Hooterbby · Rating 5 out of 5]

holy mother of jesus..... literally. A monastary filled with murder and munching. You'll be reading a spicy scene that turns into a gnarly one. If you aren't ready for that or innuendos, you're no fun and probably won't enjoy this. I giggled & gagged, sometimes within the same paragraph.

[Magnus (Max) Greystone · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the campy-ish horror style and I got really attached to the characters, Ophelia was my favorite! The religious trauma themes were especially hard hitting for me.

[Nicole Sonnenburg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was stalking this release, and I was so thankful to receive an ARC of Scissor Me Timbers from Phrique. I absolutely also had to buy a physical copy as well. This is a must-read nunsploitation and a letter to the Catholic Church with so much tongue in cheek and wit, and a lot of heart! This is a story of a young woman, who was in the army, and choose to become a nun because she felt she was wrong to have loved a woman. She wanted to pray her gay away as much as she could and could not realize that nothing was wrong with her or her heart. She becomes Mother Superior of The Cistercian Nuns of the Valley of Perpetual Felicity Monastery. Mother Superior thinks she looks out for her sisters best she can with discipline by listening to what she thinks is Virgin Mary speaking to her through a statue. Along comes a "lumberjill" named Paulina, who gets in a terrible auto accident, and loses her memory. The nuns rescue her and bring her back to health. They rename her Lidwina since she is so helpful with fixing so many things around the nunnery. The story gets so spicy, so gory, and so chock full of secrets and fun!

I loved the underlining story of this novel, as well as the ultra-distinct amazing style of Phrique's writing. You have to check it out! Easily a five out of five read!!!

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hot DAMN! Phrique came out swinging with a gruesome prologue that clued the reader into the epic fuckery they were in for in this book. After that, we immediately meet Paulina. It takes about one paragraph to fall in lust with this superbly hot character. Think of Shane from the L Word, but make her a bad-ass lumberjane. Hawt!! Then, Phrique puts this gorgeous, sexually gifted lesbian into a situation where she is surrounded by hot nuns. Very spicy, very sexy.

However, in addition to the erotic parts of this book, the reader also gets a fully fleshed out story about self-acceptance vs. a pray the gay away mentality. A head nun with a bat-shit obsession with the Virgin Mary statue (a Demon Dom to her Religious Sub). And a cast full of questioning, and good-hearted Sisters being awakened to secret desires, and hidden in plain sight dangers. This book was infused with so much heart and goodness, spread amongst the depravity and gore.

I had never read Phrique before, but knew I needed to get my hands on a horror tale of Sapphic nuns! I will absolutely be reading more from Phrique, I love what that brain do!! I also am going to be needing more tales from this world, please, and thank you! Highly recommend!!

[jamie d mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

The hill are alive with sounds of music, wait that’s wrong. This book isn’t about a singing nun, lol. This book is about a convent with a bloody past. It houses a murderous mother superior , a lesbian lumberjack with amnesia, And few horny nuns. What the worst that can happen?

I loved this book. Nunsploitation is one of my favorite genres to watch. Phrique did not disappoint me. I loved the story, characters, and Winnie of course. I would highly recommend this book and his other book Gig of the Damn Slay the Competition.

[Asia Guerrero · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another Phrique masterpiece! The storyline was wild and wonderful. The spice was intentional and perfect. The impact was masterful and everything I never knew I needed in a book.

For someone who has a bit of religious trauma specifically from the Catholic church, this filled me up in so many ways and I enjoyed the absolute hellllllll out of this abomination.

I will never get tired of reading what the brilliant and unhinged mind of Phrique conjures up!

[Desiree Horton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes you read a piece of literature that remains in your brain like an ear worm for weeks after you’ve finished it. I know for a fact this book will never leave my brain. Holy crap. It was hilarious, brilliant, and very very naughty. I’m throwing caution to the wind and recommending this to every person I meet; plumber, telemarketer, my dog- everyone. I promise you will never experience anything like it!

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh Phrique and your fucked up little mind! I’m so glad I got to partake in yet another adventure of your writing! Getting the chance to read this one during Halloween month was perfect. I didn’t expect to be sitting at my desk reading some the scenes I did, but whoa buddy was that fun! Proud of you bestie! Now go write some more fuckshit after a well deserved break of course!

[Jamie (TheRebelliousReader) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars. This was pretty good. I loved the writing and the characters. The plot lulled a bit in the middle and felt like a slog to get through but the beginning and the ending were really good. I’d highly recommend this cause it was a wild ass ride.

[Kathy Barrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my first book by Phrique.
Very well written and definitely kept my interest throughout.
I hope there will be a book 2!

[Evillllllyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was hoping for more gore and violence. A slow burn but overall the story was good!

[Addison Houser · Rating 5 out of 5]

well written and very entertaining

[Katie Flournoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Author Phrique writes unsuspecting characters sporting sexual innuendos and literary devices are used for evil in this gloriously grotesque, salaciously sapphic tale. Scissor Me Timbers is a linguistically artistic piece of literature.

Depravity and religious iconography throughout, this was an introspective read and I look forward to reading more by him!