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109 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 8, 2025
My Pākehā grandfather, like my Pākehā stepfather, had an unforgiving temper. When he stabbed me with his walking stick, I would run to my grandmother in tears. She would hold me in her arms and tell me he once served in a war where he used to have to kill people who looked like me.
My Pākehā stepfather installed a small aquarium in my room one year as a birthday present. I couldn’t stop the fish from dying. My Pākehā grandmother scooped them out for me, one by one. I was terrified of the hovering corpses, the small bodies that would rise to the surface. The childhood fear is still burrowed in my chest, somewhere in the dark cave of my body. The corpses still drift along the canals that wind along my spine.
My Pākehā grandmother greets me at the gate and tells me about an ad she saw between episodes of Border Patrol that will help me get rid of my Chinese eyes. She smiles at me. You are so beautiful she says. You look so different from those other Chinese. You glow. The sculpture of a zodiac snake that I accidentally decapitated as a child nods to me, the tape around its neck rustling.
…in the intertidal zone / i cling to a rock / the barnacles
press into my palms / imprint themselves on me / like disappearing stars /
…
…i burrow into the crevices / i cluster with the
snails / they write important messages on my skin / we are waiting for the
water / to sluice away the drying sun / in the intertidal zone / it is always
a matter of time.
sleeping at last in the avenues of tears,
in the avenues of crop lines, the forest
curls up around the length of the man, holding
him close. one by one the rubber trees with their red
bark, their tall bodies, their quiet blood
move him into the afterwards, into the past, glowing white-silver.
I can hear boxes falling from my room
I don’t know why he is so angry
then silence, as he returns to the lounge
‘I told you I was there, Dad.’
He shows me an old photograph
I still don’t understand
then he points to your image
& then I see your swollen belly
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
but I see how much it means to him
I tell him the photo proves he was right
as he buries his taonga into his chest.
the corrugated plum tree hid my secrets in her crevices
my father’s taro patch, camouflaged an army of street kids
our shed, my concrete bunker surrounded by onion mine
with old trellis of tamarillos, my wall of defence
from the blitz of money apples and Chilean guavas
followed by a barrage of rotten apples and sibling rivalry