In Sickness: A Memoir

by Barrett Rollins

A medical emergency forces a brilliant Harvard oncologist to reveal that she has been hiding her advanced breast cancer for a decade. Her husband—also an oncologist—must set aside his anger and feelings of betrayal so that he can care for her during her final year of life.

When Jane, a world-famous Harvard oncologist, suddenly collapses at work, the medical team resuscitating her makes a shocking she has advanced breast cancer that she’s been hiding for years. The results are catastrophic. In Sickness shows how even the most rational people can be nearly destroyed by their irrational fears. Tragic, moving, and wryly funny at times, this is an unflinching portrayal of a complicated marriage and its secrets.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Medical, Biography Memoir, Medicine, Mental Health

Audible Audio

Published November 15, 2022

Reviews

[Linda Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm a little perturbed with Barrett Rollins for writing this book as it is all about his dead wife who would have been horrified had she known he was going to write about her in such excruciating detail. He described her as an instensely private and guarded person. Theirs was a peculiar and insulated relationsip. They co-existed in their own little world. I'm sure it was very cathartic for him to write this book and share his experience. And for that, I am grateful. It was an interesting read though not necessarily uplifting. I felt like a voyeur.

[Steve · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one deeply weird book, about two deeply weird people -- the author (it's a memoir) and his late wife, both accomplished Harvard oncologists - which, if nothing else, shows that highly successful people can be just as fucked up as unsuccessful people.

The writing is very good (the only reason it gets any stars at all), which is how I came to read this - I randomly picked it up to browse at the library and quickly got hooked - but the story is twisted, and in my opinion shouldn't have been published at all. The wife is portrayed as "intensely private," but this is privacy to the point of serious mental illness; to the point of not seeking medical care for breast cancer so that no one will know - including her husband, the author! - even after the tumor has grown to the degree that it has greatly disfigured her body externally. The author's descriptions of this are not easy reading.

I do sympathize with the consequences of the cancer victim's mental illness on her husband, and can perhaps understand why writing his story would help him process his role in these events. But I cannot understand any desire to PUBLISH it, to share the story of his wife's mental - and physical - illness with the wider world. This is such a unique story that there are no real lessons to be learned for any reader; there is no greater good served by revealing the deeply private wife's innermost secrets, secrets she desperately tried to hide from the world.

The revealing of secrets continues to the very end of the book, when he writes about finding his wife's journal from before they were married, which reveals that as a single woman she slept with a lot of men in a short period of time. WHY? Why does anyone need to know this? Why in the name of God would the author, who claims and really does seem to have loved and respected his late wife, reveal this to ME, or any other reader? WHY? In a short epilogue, the author writes about finding new love, a decade or so after the loss of his wife -- and in so doing, writes that his new wife was married - unhappily, but still, married - when she began to pursue him.

I just don't get it. It is as if the author felt that the only way to process the destructive keeping of secrets was to reveal each and every single secret. But I don't think that's the way mental health works. And I don't think you should read this book. I wish I hadn't.

[Kara]

I can't rate this one because of conflicting emotions surrounding it.
First off it was well written and he does a nice job of discussing very complex medical issues in understandable terms.
However I felt like his therapist while reading it. His anger and hurt oozed off the page and I kept thinking "I hope this man has gotten therapy".
Lastly, I was unsure how to bridge the moral question of the author writing a tell all book about his wife who valued privacy above all else. Is it wrong to defame the deceased? I don't have an answer but intuitively it feels wrong. Our memory and reputation is the only valuable aspect of ourselves that remains after we die and unfortunately the authors wife is no longer alive to defend herself or her choices.

[Paula · Rating 3 out of 5]

The most disturbing book I have read. Difficult to comprehend. A tragic memoir. This book exposes the complicated minds and relationship of Barrett & his wife Jane. Despite her cancer diagnosis, I could not care for her. Jane was a selfish, narcissistic, manipulative individual & Barrett enabled her. I found myself wanting her to die--to end the physical and emotional torture that Jane and her husband were going through. I found the book excruciating to finish. I do feel that Barrett had to write this memoir--and I applaud him for doing so. I imagine it was therapeutic for him--at least I hope so. I hope that Barrett enjoys a happy, fulfilling life with his new wife--he definitely deserves to find some happiness--after his life with Jane.
I think the title "In Sickness" refers to much more than Jane`s cancer diagnosis--I think it refers to Jane & Barrett`s relationship.

[Yukari Watanabe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the most difficult books to rate, at least, for me. I was not sure if I wanted to continue reading in the beginning. Rollins described his late wife as a very private person. Yet, he wrote such intimate details of her illness (and her life). I felt Rollins was an Unreliable Narrator. I'm not talking about the part that how she treated her husband. I totally believe it. When Rollins talked anything positive about his wife or his feelings, he sounded as if he was trying too hard to convince readers and himself.

This memoir reminded me of John Bayley's famous/infamous memoir about her late wife, Iris Murdoch. Bayley and Rollins have something in common; a successful wife who was also promiscuous and selfish. The wife outshined the husband. The husband was very proud of his outstanding wife but at the same time, he resented his insignificant role in her life. If the genders were reversed, so many women would feel for Bayley and Rollins because many of us suffer the same fate. In order for our brilliant partners to be successful, we sacrifice our lives, and nobody knows about it. Wouldn't you want the world to know the truth?

"In Sickness" is, like “Elegy for Iris”/“Iris: A Memoir”, in a way, a revenge porn. But, at the same time, a classic literature of love and hate. This memoir was s very uncomfortable read to me, but I decided to give 4 stars because it tells you a certain truth of marriage and relationship (and a life of an unreliable narrator).

[Frances Sharp · Rating 5 out of 5]

A story about a beautiful, brilliant, vivacious woman who ensured she got everything she wanted in life, even at the cost of her partner’s happiness and satisfaction, and in the end, her own life.

I suspect a person who didn’t have a background in medicine wouldn’t enjoy this book quite as much and might give it less stars. I also suspect that a person without a medical background might miss some of the things the author chooses not to say, might miss the way he protects his wife and her judgement even in the midst of a scathingly honest and open memoir.

This story is deeply compelling and I couldn’t put it down. I read another review that said they felt like a voyeur, and that certainly is part of the appeal, seeing the shocking choices of others and how they play out. Early on in the book I got the feeling that this was also a request for absolution from the author. He mentions feeling judged by others for being out of the loop on his wife’s condition and asking other practitioners to keep his wife’s secrets. He also feels betrayed by both those things and this feels like an explanation to those that watched from the outside about what he perceived as his inadequacies. These intimate details are what makes the book tick, and I truly enjoyed this engrossing read.

[Deborah Underwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fascinating, gripping page-turner that I couldn't put down. Very well-written memoir by Dr. Barrett Rollins (oncologist) about his 30 year marriage to his wife, Jane, also a cancer specialist. Incredibly, she had breast cancer for 10 years which she inexplicably hid from him! Adamant about never going to the doctor for any reason, she allowed a malignant tumor in her breast to advance into a necrotic mass which she kept hidden behind nightgowns. If you want to see the thing of nightmares, google "necrotic mass breast cancer" and look at the images.

I was impressed with Barrett's honesty and all the details he supplied but it was difficult to fathom how controlling and manipulative Jane was, how rigid in her lack of communication with her husband and his inability to stand up to her. If I had been him, I would have had to confide in someone, probably a colleague who was also an oncologist. Anyone to talk to about the situation, even if no one was able to intervene, would have helped unburden him. It was totally understandable that, after her death, he finally allowed himself to feel the anger that was simmering in him, under the surface, all those years. Good for him for writing this book! I hope his present marriage is a very fulfilling one.

[Kaylee M · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a trip. Jane is an absolutely terrible, abusive and manipulative person. Her desire to keep her cancer a secret isn’t coming from a place of privacy but the desire to control everything around her. Her husband (the author) is an enabler with no backbone who has been beaten down due to years of blackmail, gaslighting and walking on eggshells to make Jane happy. He talks about how happy it made him to “be her servant” for 30 years. They’re both oncologists and Barrett finds out about the cancer 4 years before the events of the book but just ignores it because Jane asked him to. Who the f*ck does that?!

Barrett is in total denial about who his wife was and includes anecdotes that are meant to show how caring or stubborn she was, but all I can see is him being manipulated by a narcissist. Especially the story about his daughters wedding. It sounds like she also might have had some mental disorders that were never diagnosed (it’s even briefly mentioned ASD was suspected but the author ruled it out because Jane was “too smart”).

I gave it 4 stars because it is well written and fascinating to see just how unbelievably f*cked up these two people are. Plus it’s a short read.

[Shari Holland · Rating 3 out of 5]

I heard the author interviewed on a radio program and decided to read the book. I was very disappointed, however. He has a strange and incredible story to tell, but for it to make sense he needed to reveal more about himself. He was much more comfortable writing about his wife, her professional life, and the medical intricacies of her cancer, but the real intrigue is the mystery of the inner workings of their life together. The lack of communication between them was mind boggling. While he briefly admits to feeling hurt, sad, angry, and even suicidal during his marriage, he doesn't provide any introspection about what led him to stay in this dysfunctional marriage and what he learned about himself. He reads the audiobook and his narration was good.

[Jane Staunton · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book felt like a therapy session for the author! I binged it, so clearly I was drawn into the drama, but was left with a bad taste, and the whole experience felt voyeuristic. It seems wrong to write such a public book about one's partner after their death - his wife was clearly a very private person.

[Salq · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this book because I was intrigued by the premise. Why would a famous oncologist choose to die of cancer rather than seek treatment or confide in her husband? Turns out, it's because her husband was a complete narcissist, as evinced by this exploitative memoir where he shares graphic details about the illness and death of his suffering and incredible private wife, peppered with stories about how lousy she was housework, what a nag she was, and what a drag it was taking care of her as she died.

I kept reading, hoping that Rollins would manage to show some sympathy, empathy, or any emotion besides pity, disgust, and contempt for his partner of thirty years.

Jane Weeks was clearly brilliant (and also seemingly suffering from a severe anxiety disorder), but her husband cannot manage to mention her professional accomplishments without undercutting her. I feel so sorry for this poor woman, who spent her life with a jealous spouse who clearly hated her and used emotional manipulation to keep her in line.

Some specific points:

1. Rollins blames his wife for his poor relationship with his daughter, whom he writes about in a freudian way that is frankly uncomfortable. (Yet he insinuates that because Jane was close with her father, they might have been having sex?)
2. On multiple occasions he writes about Jane's failings as a homemaker. With their combined incomes, they couldn't afford a housekeeper? She only does the dinner dishes half the time? Generations of women have put up with their husbands doing much less.
3. When Jane stops instigating sex, his first comment is to passive aggressively say, “I want to know what I did to repulse you so thoroughly,” rather than showing any genuine curiosity for his wife's lack of sexual interest. Spoiler: it was because she had terminal cancer.

The only thing we really learn about Jane is that she was accomplished and incredibly private. I can't imagine the hurt that this memoir would have caused her, but given the portrait that Rollins paints of himself, I don't think she would have been surprised by this betrayal.

It's amazing how clueless this guy is. He's controlling the entire narrative, yet he still manages to come away looking like a jerk.

[Carmen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I heard Barrett Rollins speaking about his book on NPR and immediately wanted to read it. This is one of the most shocking non-fiction books I have ever read, but it is also a moving portrait of a marriage, a career, and caregiving. A renowned cancer researcher, working for a world-class cancer center, hides her own breast cancer diagnosis from her husband (who is also a cancer researcher) and everyone else in her life until it is too late. Fear and denial are truly powerful emotions, and even the most intelligent human beings are not immune.

[Samantha McGlothin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was such an interesting book. The author has so much disdain and also love for his late wife. It was very personal and explored a lot of challenging times through their 30 year marriage. I like that he wrote it even though he knew she would have hated it lol

[Caitlin Resendes · Rating 1 out of 5]

Did not finish this book, did not enjoy.

[Linda Belize · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave this book two stars because it was a compelling enough read that I finished it in a couple of days. Like many people who read the book, I asked myself how the author could have written all those things about a wife he claimed to have loved so much. Then I found the answer in the Ackowledgements section where he thanks his current wife for "insisting that he tell this story". It was as if a light bulb went on in my head - of course it had to be the current wife behind such a book! She couldn't compete with the author's first wife when she was alive (she wanted to date him when they met, only to find that he was already seeing Jane Weeks) and she finds that she still can't compete with her when she is dead. So what does she do? Insist that her husband portray his deceased wife in the worst light possible! Seriously, was it necessary to air her dirty laundry to the whole world, including her sexual past before she married him, when it added nothing to the story being told? The author himself admits that writing this book was the ultimate betrayal and then tries to rationalize it by saying that betrayal works both ways. Well Dr. Rollins, the difference is that when you felt betrayed you had the chance to speak out for yourself, something your dead wife is clearly not able to do.

Obviously I don't know any of these people in the book but it made me cringe to see the late wife being dragged through the mud. Throughout the book we read about what an amazing husband the author was, doing all the cooking and bringing his wife her meals in bed over the weekends...This is in stark contrast to how he treats his wife's memory now so I take his account of their marriage with a grain of salt. There's a part where his late wife tells him that he looks like a henpecked husband when he wears a wedding ring. That he would cave in to his current wife's demands to write and publish this book makes me think that Jane Weeks was very correct.

The author has apparently been in therapy. Frankly I'd fire my therapist and find a new one if I were in his place!

[Zak Kahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

An incredibly insightful book that explores a lot of difficult topics surrounding death and the importance of communication in relationships. I related a lot to the conflict-averse and levelheaded author, so some of the issues he faced were quite real and hard hitting. Even though many of the scenes took place in a grim setting, his personal and descriptive writing style had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. It was a bonus that it took place in Boston and at the hospital I work at: there were some niche references that added to my reading experience. I personally enjoy books like this that give insight into to the experiences of senior medical professionals, but I would recommend this to people not interested in the medical field as well. Overall a great read - thanks to Evelina for the recommendation and for letting me borrow her copy!

[Ariel · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was well written and voyeuristically enjoyable. But wow, I found both Barrett and Jane to be throughly unlikeable.

ETA: I’ve been thinking about it more (this book definitely sticks with you) and I’m mad at the author. He writes extensively about how Jane was an intensely private person. At the same time, he brutally exposes her to the world, leaving few if any details spared. It’s just such a cruel way to treat someone you supposedly love, after they’re dead and can’t do anything about it. Because he’s a very good writer, I feel like I know Jane well now, and even though there were a lot of things about her that made her unlikeable (all written from Barrett’s perspective, of course), I find myself imagining her fury and sense of betrayal, and feeling very sorry for her.

[Molly · Rating 2 out of 5]

The synopsis of this book had lead me to believe I was in for a look into the psychology of what leads even the most informed among us to make ill-informed choices about our medical care.

What this book actually feels like is sitting in a restaurant, and the couple next to me is discussing their entire 30 year marriage. Except, one person is speaking very loudly about every little hateful detail about the other person's life, and the other person is, well, dead.

With the emphasis on Jane's desire for privacy her entire life, and all the intimate details being divulged, I quickly checked to see if this was written under a pseudonym and was disgusted it wasn't.

Bless Anna. Honestly. And probably her mother for raising Anna to be gracious and kind to her father, despite his choices.

[Kristen DeBoy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I want to start by saying that I ADORE memoirs. They are easily my favorite genre. I always have a difficult time when I dislike one (which is admittedly, rare) because it feels like I am sitting in judgement of someone else's life. But really, this felt like self indulgent garbage. I both hated this man's late wife (like, seriously, did anyone else have trouble believing that ANYONE liked this woman???) And also ended up hating him as well. Basically for being a whiny useless man. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Twas a waste of 7 hours of my life. Oh, well. Two stars because SOME of the medical part was interesting.

[CM · Rating 2 out of 5]

Insightful glimpses into the horror that is cancer, but this book is ultimately unpleasant to read. Neither the author nor his wife, whom he writes about, are likeable. Somehow he does not convey it in a way that I'd empathise with him. He writes almost flippantly about very private things about his wife, betraying some casual cruelty, without her alive to defend herself.

The writing is not even very good but because it comprises such vivid and secret details you keep reading. (Like how could he not have known about her terrible breast cancer for ten years?) Clearly there's something very, very wrong with the both of them.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Compelling, compulsively readable. Bonkers memoir about not only illness but incredible dysfunction in a relationship between incredibly competent and successful people. Fascinating that the story tells about so much dysfunction with very little digging into that dysfunction. Brutally honest about how much can be so broken in such a normal marriage.

[Julie Koch · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was astoundingly similar to the grueling path I walked alongside my mom during her struggle with breast cancer. I found myself relating tremendously to the husband/caregiver and the blessings and challenges of that time. I saw my mom so much i. the experiences of Jane’s, the main character’s, struggle with accepting her diagnosis and living with it.

[Shawn W · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wah. It’s a parade of mental illness out there…

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wild ride. Utter insanity. I didn’t understand it, but I ate it up anyway. I couldn’t put it down, and I can’t remember the last book that had that effect on me. Full review to come.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to a podcast about this book (Dani Shapiro’s Family Secrets, Code Blue Cafeteria 6/24/2024) & was gobsmacked. So I bought the book & was gobsmacked even more, reading well past my usual lights out time for three nights in a row.

I can’t imagine living the reality of either the author or his wife Jane. We’re all broken people to some extent, but this book explores the consequences of some pretty extreme pathos. Some readers have been appalled that the author wrote this book - he told his wife’s secrets - but these were secrets he lived with too, which means this book is just as much his story as it was hers. To me, it seems apparent that writing this book allowed the author to release himself from the cave of dysfunction he lived in for 20+ years. The author is not easy on himself and doesn’t hold himself out there as a victim. He does plenty of exploration of his own human failures & there were many he covered in the book.

Jane lived her life her way, with what seemed to be the attitude of everyone else be damned, which the author willingly enabled. And she handled her illness pretty much the same way too. I’m all for personal agency in healthcare decision-making, but wow… The description of her cancerous breast was almost beyond comprehension. It really made me think about what cancer must have been like for people before surgical intervention became the norm. It also made me wonder… Jane was treating herself w mild chemo so she wasn’t fully in denial. Wouldn’t it have been more effective for her to have had a mastectomy on the down low, which she certainly could have done with her connections in medicine all over the world? She likely would have still died, but wow, she could have kept her secret and spared herself & her husband so much angst. Maybe that would have been to much of an assault on her personal fable though. And of course she was incapable of thinking of the effect of her actions on anyone other than herself.

Anyway, it’s completely understandable to me that to get past the crazy & into a healthier reality, the author had to release his demons, or demon as the case may be. Fortunately, by the end of the book, it appears that he’s is in a much better place. Let’s hear it for happy endings!

[Alice Gallo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book because it made me feel a lot of things (sadness, pity, anger, disbelief, among other feelings…). I wish the author had had the guts to ask his wife when she first bled in the bathroom why she had hid her diagnosis from him. I guess we probably wouldn’t have a book if he had, but I was left wanting answers. He probably did too.

[Athena Sarafoglou · Rating 1 out of 5]

this guy is a vindictive asshole. damn!

[Dwilliams · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is about two married doctors and the last year they have together. The wife has a terminal illness. I was drawn to this book for a few reasons. A married couple in my family have a marriage dynamic similar to the couple at the center of this story. One person has narcissist tendencies, and the other person picks their battles but is not willing to walk out of the marriage. As a person of modest privilege this is an interesting peek into the world of privileged doctors. Also, they lived in Boston, where I live, and I am familiar with the locations they talk about. Thank you, Barrett Rollins, for sharing your story.

[Penny · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this late into the night just so I wouldn’t have to pick it up the next day. Jane Rollins (Weeks), a world-famous oncologist, discovers her own breast cancer, refuses to tell anyone (which includes her husband, mother and siblings) and mandates, after he discovers the truth accidentally, that it will not be spoken of again. Years late a pulmonary embolism nearly kills her and puts her in the ICU where the huge tumour on her breast can no longer be hidden and her year towards death begins. And still no-one can be told. Throughout their married life, Jane Rollins is controlling, treats her husband like a servant so she can play video games which she does every weekend while he cooks, cleans, launders and folds, takes care of the finances and accepts that any physical part of their married life is over without a word of complaint. Yes, Jane. Yes, dear. His reasoning is somehow that her dependence on him shows she loves him and he doesn’t want a second failed marriage. He is scarcely more likeable than his wife, in thrall to her and willingly so. He becomes her reluctant carer and details (too much) what this entails. It’s a relationship of unhealthy codependence each spouse filling some need in themselves and the other. Rollins continually relates how everyone loves Jane but there’s little actual evidence of that, few personal testimonies, and no-one is allowed in the bubble that is their marriage except one gay couple they rarely see. Jane has no friends (hardly surprising) and clearly doesn’t love her husband. What he feels for her is a little more complicated. After her death he marries her old college roommate who he comes across by chance. Let’s keep fingers crossed for that marriage.

[AMBER LOGAN · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hated this book and both people it was about.
First of all, I would leave anyone that treated my child like that in two secs flat.
Second of all- this woman sounds like a nightmare of a person. Self-centered on a level I've very seldom seen before. I have no idea why he stayed with her at all, even before she became so ill that she couldn't hide it any longer.
And 3rd of all, what the hell is wrong with him? For heavens sakes.
And I'm now a family nurse practitioner who spend years in a neurotrauma ICU as an RN so I understand end of life decisions and deciding to avoid treatment- but this was on a ridiculously selfish scale.
I seldom get angry or judgmental over things because to each their own, but these people made me angry just reading about them.