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Redeeming Sex: Naked Conversations About Sexuality and Spirituality
Nothing has exposed the gap between the church and the broader society quite like the cultural argument over sexuality. Relationships, identities, orientations, and even seemingly straightforward concepts such as gender have cut battle lines between the church and the world. In the fog of war and the cloud of conflict, it's increasingly hard to see our way clearly.
There is hope, however. Debra Hirsch has seen it firsthand-in meaningful lifelong relationships with LGBT friends and neighbors, in Christian fellowships, and in movements that have held a concern for people created in God's image and a high view of the Bible's teaching on sexuality in constructive tension. When you consider the world from the perspective of God's kingdom mission, it turns out the smoke clears and a redemptive imagination takes root.
Discover a holistic, biblical vision of sex and gender that honors God and offers good news to the world.
There is hope, however. Debra Hirsch has seen it firsthand-in meaningful lifelong relationships with LGBT friends and neighbors, in Christian fellowships, and in movements that have held a concern for people created in God's image and a high view of the Bible's teaching on sexuality in constructive tension. When you consider the world from the perspective of God's kingdom mission, it turns out the smoke clears and a redemptive imagination takes root.
Discover a holistic, biblical vision of sex and gender that honors God and offers good news to the world.
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First published April 6, 2015
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May 22, 2015
When Christians talk about sex, beware. Popular Christian communicators tend to either fixate on abhorrent sexual practices in our culture or sing horndog-songs-of-praise about the gift of sex. The former use sex as exhibit A in their fear-mongering case about national moral decay. The latter write Christian bestsellers about the joys of marital sex with their 'smoking-hot-wives.' There is a dearth of Christian literature which speaks honestly about the gap between our church's and culture's visions of sex. That is part of what makes Redeeming Sex so refreshing.
Debra Hirsch is the wife of ,and co-conspirator with, missional guru Alan Hirsch (they co-wrote Untamed, which may be my favorite Hirsch book). She serves on the leadership team of the Forge Mission Training Network and is on the board of Missio Alliance. She brings to the topic of sexuality twenty-five years of ministry experience to and with the LGBT community. The church that She and Alan planted and led in South Melbourne had about 40% of its members come from the LGBTQ community. When Debra came to faith in Christ, she was living and identifying as a lesbian. This book offers her wisdom and insights (and part of her story) about how to approach the issues around human sexuality with grace.
The first thing to observe is that Redeeming Sex is not about 'sex.' That is, if you reduce sex to mechanics, genital stimulation and technique you won't find what you are looking for here. This is a book about sexuality. It tackles Christian attitudes toward sex, sexism, gender, our approach the LGBTQ community.
Hirsch's book divides into three parts. Part one, "Where Did All the Sexy Christians Go?" tackles our attitudes towards sex and sexuality. Here Hirsch steers us past prudish repression, fear-based responses and our tendency to elevate sexual sin above other sins. She points to how the life of Jesus, his relationships with men and woman, affirms the goodness of sexuality.
Part two, "Bits, Bobs and Tricky Business" looks deeper at Christian views, especially our approach to gender and same-sex attraction. Hirsch describes eight fumdamentals of sex: (1) the term sexuality names the impulse to genital sexuality and social sexuality, (2) sexuality involves the whole self, (3) sexuality is embodied, (4) sexuality celebrates difference, (5) sexuality is fractured, (6)sexuality is deceptive, (7) sexuality needs a chaperone, (8) sexuality is ageless. These 'fundamentals' describe both the gifts and dangers of sexuality. In the following chapters, Hirsch discusses gender and homosexuality, Hirsch pleads for dialogue and mutual self understanding of the various positions on the options available for gay Christians (i.e. healing leading to heterosexual marriage, celibacy and affirmation of gay lifestye). She doesn't commend a one-size-fits-all approach to 'healing homosexuals.' At one point, she observes that heterosexuals are also in dire need of healing in their sexuality because all of us are sexually broken (120).
Part three, "The Mission of Christian Sexuality," draws these threads together. Hirsch offers a vision of participating in Christian mission in ways that are cognizant and honor people's sexuality. Hirsch urges us towards ministry that emphasizes grace, ministry that gets beyond our stereotypes to engagement with real people, affirms the way we all are God's image bearers, and ministry that is 'centered-set' versus 'bound-set' (not seeking to mark who is in or out, but helping people to take steps to follow Jesus in healthy sexuality where they are).
Despite Hirsch's interest in ministry to the LGBT community and her personal history with it, I am not totally sure of her 'theological position.' I know that her church at one point of time worked with Exodus International but became increasingly uncomfortable with their position (Exodus International itself became uncomfortable with Exodus International's position). She quotes affirming authors and promotes dialogue between conservatives and gay Christians, but this isn't a book that tells you what your theology should be. This is a book that urges us to greater love and understanding as we reach out in the love of Christ. This is a message both conservatives and progressives need to hear.
I enjoyed reading this book. Hirsch is funny, irreverent and insightful. She doesn't mince words about where we've mussed up a biblical vision of human sexuality AND the gospel of grace. Too often evangelicals are defined in our culture by their views on sexuality (i.e. homosexuality and abortion). Hirsch points us towards deeper love and mission to all who are sexually broken. This doesn't mean that we necessarily abandon our theological commitments; however it means seeking how to love well. I give this book four stars.
Notice of material connection: I received this book from IVP in exchange for my honest review.
Debra Hirsch is the wife of ,and co-conspirator with, missional guru Alan Hirsch (they co-wrote Untamed, which may be my favorite Hirsch book). She serves on the leadership team of the Forge Mission Training Network and is on the board of Missio Alliance. She brings to the topic of sexuality twenty-five years of ministry experience to and with the LGBT community. The church that She and Alan planted and led in South Melbourne had about 40% of its members come from the LGBTQ community. When Debra came to faith in Christ, she was living and identifying as a lesbian. This book offers her wisdom and insights (and part of her story) about how to approach the issues around human sexuality with grace.
The first thing to observe is that Redeeming Sex is not about 'sex.' That is, if you reduce sex to mechanics, genital stimulation and technique you won't find what you are looking for here. This is a book about sexuality. It tackles Christian attitudes toward sex, sexism, gender, our approach the LGBTQ community.
Hirsch's book divides into three parts. Part one, "Where Did All the Sexy Christians Go?" tackles our attitudes towards sex and sexuality. Here Hirsch steers us past prudish repression, fear-based responses and our tendency to elevate sexual sin above other sins. She points to how the life of Jesus, his relationships with men and woman, affirms the goodness of sexuality.
Part two, "Bits, Bobs and Tricky Business" looks deeper at Christian views, especially our approach to gender and same-sex attraction. Hirsch describes eight fumdamentals of sex: (1) the term sexuality names the impulse to genital sexuality and social sexuality, (2) sexuality involves the whole self, (3) sexuality is embodied, (4) sexuality celebrates difference, (5) sexuality is fractured, (6)sexuality is deceptive, (7) sexuality needs a chaperone, (8) sexuality is ageless. These 'fundamentals' describe both the gifts and dangers of sexuality. In the following chapters, Hirsch discusses gender and homosexuality, Hirsch pleads for dialogue and mutual self understanding of the various positions on the options available for gay Christians (i.e. healing leading to heterosexual marriage, celibacy and affirmation of gay lifestye). She doesn't commend a one-size-fits-all approach to 'healing homosexuals.' At one point, she observes that heterosexuals are also in dire need of healing in their sexuality because all of us are sexually broken (120).
Part three, "The Mission of Christian Sexuality," draws these threads together. Hirsch offers a vision of participating in Christian mission in ways that are cognizant and honor people's sexuality. Hirsch urges us towards ministry that emphasizes grace, ministry that gets beyond our stereotypes to engagement with real people, affirms the way we all are God's image bearers, and ministry that is 'centered-set' versus 'bound-set' (not seeking to mark who is in or out, but helping people to take steps to follow Jesus in healthy sexuality where they are).
Despite Hirsch's interest in ministry to the LGBT community and her personal history with it, I am not totally sure of her 'theological position.' I know that her church at one point of time worked with Exodus International but became increasingly uncomfortable with their position (Exodus International itself became uncomfortable with Exodus International's position). She quotes affirming authors and promotes dialogue between conservatives and gay Christians, but this isn't a book that tells you what your theology should be. This is a book that urges us to greater love and understanding as we reach out in the love of Christ. This is a message both conservatives and progressives need to hear.
I enjoyed reading this book. Hirsch is funny, irreverent and insightful. She doesn't mince words about where we've mussed up a biblical vision of human sexuality AND the gospel of grace. Too often evangelicals are defined in our culture by their views on sexuality (i.e. homosexuality and abortion). Hirsch points us towards deeper love and mission to all who are sexually broken. This doesn't mean that we necessarily abandon our theological commitments; however it means seeking how to love well. I give this book four stars.
Notice of material connection: I received this book from IVP in exchange for my honest review.
May 8, 2015
For a book entitled "Redeeming Sex", I expected it to have more to do with, well, sex. I expected it to address questions like, "How do you teach your kids to value purity without implying that sex is bad/dirty/sinful?" Or "How do you encourage married couples to have great sex without making unmarried people feel unvalued?" Instead it is about sexuality in a broader sense (as indeed the subtitle implies). Hence I give it 4 stars because it feels incomplete -- obviously there is so much more to be said, but a little more of it should have been in this book.
That said, this is a great book! It addresses topics that the Church desperately needs to be talking and thinking about. Debra writes with great sensitivity, born of deep experience, and she walks the fine line between love and truth with grace (both literal and figurative).
She defines sexuality as people's search for connection with other humans (in contrast to spirituality, which is people's search for connection with the divine). Since sexuality encompasses gender, I'll buy that definition, because all of us participate in human relationships from the concept of our gender (however we express it, however it correlates to our biology).
The majority of the book is given over to how the Church relates to the LGBT people both within and outside of its boundaries. Sadly, what Christians have lately been known for has not been their love, but their (by and large) determined opposition to gay rights, in ways that are increasingly UNloving. This has left progressive members of the church, especially young people who have LGBT friends and neighbors (not to mention LGBT Christians), thinking they have only two options: fully affirming LGBT behavior, or actively opposing LGBT rights (or the LGBT agenda, depending on how you want to spin it). Deb implores the church to consider a third option: to love and embrace LGBT people regardless of your own theology and let them figure out their theological position on their own. She offers exegetical arguments that land her in the traditional camp from a theological perspective, but points out that it really doesn't matter.
She says there's nothing wrong with that old saying we all now love to hate (haha), "Love the sinner, hate the sin." The problem, she argues, is that "most people in the church never got around to loving the sinner at all." The sin-hating part was never meant to be a caveat to the love, it was meant to follow after. As in "Love the sinner and then hate the sin." Her point, of course, is that it doesn't matter what you think of someone's behavior unless they ask you for your opinion, which they aren't likely to do if you haven't done that first part. Since all of us are sinners under grace, it is deeply unloving, thus unChristian, to make some people change their behavior before they're accepted.
Of course Deb makes these points far more eloquently than I. Some of her insights cut to the quick, as she forces the reader to face ways they might have wronged LGBT people (directly or indirectly). She also offers highly practical steps for Christians who might be struggling between the two camps, some of which involve simply reassuring us that being loving doesn't mean we automatically condone everything someone else does. It all makes such sense after you read it that you might wonder why this hasn't been the church's position all along.
That said, this is a great book! It addresses topics that the Church desperately needs to be talking and thinking about. Debra writes with great sensitivity, born of deep experience, and she walks the fine line between love and truth with grace (both literal and figurative).
She defines sexuality as people's search for connection with other humans (in contrast to spirituality, which is people's search for connection with the divine). Since sexuality encompasses gender, I'll buy that definition, because all of us participate in human relationships from the concept of our gender (however we express it, however it correlates to our biology).
The majority of the book is given over to how the Church relates to the LGBT people both within and outside of its boundaries. Sadly, what Christians have lately been known for has not been their love, but their (by and large) determined opposition to gay rights, in ways that are increasingly UNloving. This has left progressive members of the church, especially young people who have LGBT friends and neighbors (not to mention LGBT Christians), thinking they have only two options: fully affirming LGBT behavior, or actively opposing LGBT rights (or the LGBT agenda, depending on how you want to spin it). Deb implores the church to consider a third option: to love and embrace LGBT people regardless of your own theology and let them figure out their theological position on their own. She offers exegetical arguments that land her in the traditional camp from a theological perspective, but points out that it really doesn't matter.
She says there's nothing wrong with that old saying we all now love to hate (haha), "Love the sinner, hate the sin." The problem, she argues, is that "most people in the church never got around to loving the sinner at all." The sin-hating part was never meant to be a caveat to the love, it was meant to follow after. As in "Love the sinner and then hate the sin." Her point, of course, is that it doesn't matter what you think of someone's behavior unless they ask you for your opinion, which they aren't likely to do if you haven't done that first part. Since all of us are sinners under grace, it is deeply unloving, thus unChristian, to make some people change their behavior before they're accepted.
Of course Deb makes these points far more eloquently than I. Some of her insights cut to the quick, as she forces the reader to face ways they might have wronged LGBT people (directly or indirectly). She also offers highly practical steps for Christians who might be struggling between the two camps, some of which involve simply reassuring us that being loving doesn't mean we automatically condone everything someone else does. It all makes such sense after you read it that you might wonder why this hasn't been the church's position all along.
January 30, 2023
This first 1/3 of this book was really good. She was talking about how the church hypersexualizes opposite gender friends, limits the ability we can connect intimately with those who are not our spouse, puts marriage on a pedestals, how gender roles can be damaging in life and in relationships and how sexual drive is not a “bad” thing as the church sometimes make it seem. I also liked the distinction she made between genital sexuality and social sexuality. Howeverrrr the rest of the book was dedicated almost exclusively to talking about same sex relationships and I didn’t love how she made her point. She said that she could not find any way to rationally say that you could be in a same sex relationship and have it be condoned by the Bible. But then she had 3 chapters about how we still have to love and accept them. I find it hard to reconcile actively telling someone their life is a sin and they should change. But oh, yeah, we accept you I guess. Additionally, all her example friends who were gay had incredibly dark and broken stories. I didn’t like how this made it seem like every member of the LBGTQ+ community had lead a deeply broken life - that lays a damaging foundation for how to enter into community with these people. Overall, I didn’t like what she had to say or how she said it. Good book only in the fact that it got me thinking about other perspectives and how to articulate about my own ideas.
August 27, 2018
I did not finish this book and have no plans to. Normally I would not leave a review in this situation, but I felt compelled to clarify some things about this book that were not clearly communicated from the beginning.
I'm deeply interested in the relationships between religion, spirituality, sexuality, gender and bodies and unfortunately (from my perspective) many of these books treat sexuality, gender and bodies as inherently dirty, diseased, broken or sinful things that keep us from spiritual engagement. I was very excited to read this book as it seems to open with the perspective that our genders, our sexualities and our bodies are to be a source of profound engagement with spirituality and with one another. I was then taken aback when the author, after initially describing herself as a lesbian enmeshed (seemingly happily) in an LGBT community that began exploring Christianity together, mentioned her husband.
I then flipped forward to her chapters on LGBT identity, community, and sexualities and discovered that she worked for Exodus International, a proven ineffective and harmful "ex-gay" ministry, when serving a community she herself described as 40 percent LGBT. While she did describe leaving this organization over theological differences, it seemed to lack a moral urgency. She then goes on the basically make the argument that all people are basically bisexual which is why gay people can choose to be straight. She then also reverts to the language of broken sexuality, the idea that all sexuality is something inherently to be overcomed and healed, to justify the inclusion of LGBT people in Christian communities. She also advances the ideology that being gay is the result of childhood sexual abuse.
I'm not interested.
While I do believe there is something broken in the ways we relate to ourselves, one another and the divine I would hardly attribute it to the desire to actually relate in intimate and authentic ways. Despite the veneer of Hirsh's compassionate language and "space holding", there is nothing different about the positions she takes and any other conservative theologian on LGBT people. I would recommend reading Marilynne Robinson for a better discussion of theology and brokenness that is actually straight forward and compassionate.
I'm deeply interested in the relationships between religion, spirituality, sexuality, gender and bodies and unfortunately (from my perspective) many of these books treat sexuality, gender and bodies as inherently dirty, diseased, broken or sinful things that keep us from spiritual engagement. I was very excited to read this book as it seems to open with the perspective that our genders, our sexualities and our bodies are to be a source of profound engagement with spirituality and with one another. I was then taken aback when the author, after initially describing herself as a lesbian enmeshed (seemingly happily) in an LGBT community that began exploring Christianity together, mentioned her husband.
I then flipped forward to her chapters on LGBT identity, community, and sexualities and discovered that she worked for Exodus International, a proven ineffective and harmful "ex-gay" ministry, when serving a community she herself described as 40 percent LGBT. While she did describe leaving this organization over theological differences, it seemed to lack a moral urgency. She then goes on the basically make the argument that all people are basically bisexual which is why gay people can choose to be straight. She then also reverts to the language of broken sexuality, the idea that all sexuality is something inherently to be overcomed and healed, to justify the inclusion of LGBT people in Christian communities. She also advances the ideology that being gay is the result of childhood sexual abuse.
I'm not interested.
While I do believe there is something broken in the ways we relate to ourselves, one another and the divine I would hardly attribute it to the desire to actually relate in intimate and authentic ways. Despite the veneer of Hirsh's compassionate language and "space holding", there is nothing different about the positions she takes and any other conservative theologian on LGBT people. I would recommend reading Marilynne Robinson for a better discussion of theology and brokenness that is actually straight forward and compassionate.
August 23, 2015
any christian text that claims to come from a place of compassion while also claiming that homosexuality is a sin is not worth my time.
:)
:)
September 15, 2022
I really enjoyed this read. For a conversation that feels overwhelmingly complex and painful for those within an without the church, Hirsch engages compassion and vision for what it looks like to participate in conversations about sexuality, how it connects to our experience of spirituality, and how the heart of Jesus can be found at the intersection of these things, rather than shying away from difficult conversations and leaving people trampled by unquestioned theology.
I was especially caught up in the way Hirsch propels her readers into radical inclusion, to commit to the other (whether that be regarding sexual minorities or not) and be utterly convinced that our God is and always will be the God of steadfast love, constantly pursuing and constantly at work within the lives of all people. We as believers have the invitation to partner with God, and be an extension of that love. I pray we don’t squander that invitation, but let it transform us in the way of Jesus.
I was especially caught up in the way Hirsch propels her readers into radical inclusion, to commit to the other (whether that be regarding sexual minorities or not) and be utterly convinced that our God is and always will be the God of steadfast love, constantly pursuing and constantly at work within the lives of all people. We as believers have the invitation to partner with God, and be an extension of that love. I pray we don’t squander that invitation, but let it transform us in the way of Jesus.
August 12, 2023
Sehr gelungenes, glaubwürdiges und einladendes Buch, das in Bezug zu Sexualität die richtigen Fragen stellt und die Kirche von ihrem Zentrum, von Christus her, herausfordert.
August 19, 2020
Líbil se mi důraz na ❤️ k lidem a boží milost.
A koncept sociální a genitální sexuality.
A úhel pohledu na propojenost sexuality a spirituality.
A pak spousta “kontroverzních” příběhu k zamyšlení a vlastní reflexi, jak bych se k daným lidem stavěla já...
A koncept sociální a genitální sexuality.
A úhel pohledu na propojenost sexuality a spirituality.
A pak spousta “kontroverzních” příběhu k zamyšlení a vlastní reflexi, jak bych se k daným lidem stavěla já...
August 17, 2017
An incredibly challenging and refreshing read. Redeeming Sex has definitely led me to re-evaluate a number of implicit beliefs I have and approaches I take toward sexuality, gender, LGBTQ relations, singleness, family structure, etc. in the context of the gospel. I wish it was a longer, more nuanced/academic work, because a topic of this magnitude deserves such a treatment. As a popular level book though, it's on the money. It's great for sharing with friends, as Deb does a fantastic job communicating difficult and pertinent truths so that all people can understand. Required reading!
May 30, 2019
I wish every conservative Christian I knew who struggles with "dealing" with those of a homosexual orientation would read this book. This book tackles the relationship between the modern church and the LGBT community in such a loving way. Christians need to do better, MUCH better, and this book shares how they can.
Especially in the last couple chapters, you can see the author has such a love for these people that's contagious. I thought I loved them well, but this book shamed me time and again. Jesus wants us to love, and we have a very hard time of doing that.
Especially in the last couple chapters, you can see the author has such a love for these people that's contagious. I thought I loved them well, but this book shamed me time and again. Jesus wants us to love, and we have a very hard time of doing that.
September 26, 2022
I love Debra! She is so candidly helpful, pushing the bounds of what I feel even comfortable asking or thinking about God! I really appreciate that she has really sought to love others and I’m challenged by that.
December 31, 2018
I really wanted to like this book, and I read it with some friends, but unfortunately, this author flakes out on giving any substantial advice or strong opinions. It is really just a glorified Christian, totally asexual "sex book" and in the end, mostly advises readers to work on their relationships with God and read the Bible to figure out sex, which is totally ludicrous for this day and age. What I find especially disturbing is her approach to LGBTQ issues, because she starts out seemingly affirming but gradually shifts to that familiar "hate the sin, love the sinner" standpoint. Basically, her opinion is that LGBTQ people can feel anything they want but shouldn't act on it, but it takes a loooooonnnnng time to get there, and is never stated outright. It's a little shady.
Nothing new, nothing truly helpful. It's a sex book that has no real advice about what happens during sex. Any book "about sex" that doesn't actually talk about sex..... probably shouldn't be advertised as a book "about sex." So instead of praying and reading my Bible, I'll be reading books that actually teach methods for being a better lover and giving and receiving better sex. No thank you. I do not recommend.
Nothing new, nothing truly helpful. It's a sex book that has no real advice about what happens during sex. Any book "about sex" that doesn't actually talk about sex..... probably shouldn't be advertised as a book "about sex." So instead of praying and reading my Bible, I'll be reading books that actually teach methods for being a better lover and giving and receiving better sex. No thank you. I do not recommend.
October 26, 2016
Deb's book is great - I know she wrestled long and hard over the delivery of this book... and I am glad in the end for she has delivered a wonderful gift to the church.
In a day and age where we are so confused about sexuality, and then even more specifically about how we as followers of Jesus are supposed to act in a day and age where traditional values are being challenged, Deb begins the book not with answering all of the questions, but taking us to deeper levels of asking the right questions about sexuality. She does a wonderful job in the first half of the book, talking about sexuality and how it is rooted int he nature of our relationship with God - as it reflects who He is - and then is able to properly define it... not just reducing it to an act between two people.
The second half of the book deals with some of the nitty gritty issues we face today, and although I may land in slightly different places, Deb wrestles to come to a gracious place... her reminder that we are to see people as created by our God - is refreshing.
She lives this - and has not just written it.
Cam
In a day and age where we are so confused about sexuality, and then even more specifically about how we as followers of Jesus are supposed to act in a day and age where traditional values are being challenged, Deb begins the book not with answering all of the questions, but taking us to deeper levels of asking the right questions about sexuality. She does a wonderful job in the first half of the book, talking about sexuality and how it is rooted int he nature of our relationship with God - as it reflects who He is - and then is able to properly define it... not just reducing it to an act between two people.
The second half of the book deals with some of the nitty gritty issues we face today, and although I may land in slightly different places, Deb wrestles to come to a gracious place... her reminder that we are to see people as created by our God - is refreshing.
She lives this - and has not just written it.
Cam
October 16, 2015
Interesting read. Challenging on multiple levels. Deals with things frankly but never insultingly. Don't agree with all its conclusions, but it's left me a lot to consider. Worth reading.
January 6, 2022
Overall, I did not enjoy this book. Hirsch has a few great insights and truth bombs, but I did not think she worked through the implications of her own observations. Even though she claimed her book was more about "posture" than "position" (p. 17), some of her theological positions were in error, in my estimation, which makes the book largely unhelpful. I think her general arguments that we often let our zeal for truth outrun our relationships, that we tend to overemphasize genital sex to the exclusion of other components of our sexuality, that to expect change of orientation if true conversion has taken place is harmful (another prosperity gospel), that the church has blown its witness historically in the gay community and we need to own that, and that we need to begin with the image of God and not the fall into sin in all our theology are all generally true.
In terms of errors, she seems to think all sin is equally heinous (p. 43, 154, contra. John 19:11), that the gospel is a way of life to be lived, not a message of God's salvation work in Christ (p. 180, contra. 1 Cor. 15:1-4), and that the way we live out our sexual struggles are morally neutral since they aren't covered in the ecumenical creeds. Her vision of a soft border church seems to have no consideration of church discipline, and is very weak on repentance. It also frustrated me that she has a few pages on how the early church and Puritans all had sexuality wrong, which she asserts without a single quotation from any of them.
The inconsistencies are what really got me though. One example: she (rightly) had some helpful times where she pointed out how the majority of our people are single, and we need to stop elevating sexuality to the level of defining a flourishing person. Then she immediately creates a category of "social sexuality" where she sexualizes every relationship we have. She has no space for any sibling-love that isn't sexual. This leads to all sorts of odd (irreverent?) speculation into Jesus' relationships with his friends, especially John (p. 54). Second example: she (rightly) points out that God made the two genders different (p. 75) and that far too much of our teaching on manhood and womanhood is cultural (p. 87). Then accepts a fluid scale of masculinity and femininity that is built upon cultural stereotypes of what those are!
All in all, I don't recommend this book, even though there were some gems.
In terms of errors, she seems to think all sin is equally heinous (p. 43, 154, contra. John 19:11), that the gospel is a way of life to be lived, not a message of God's salvation work in Christ (p. 180, contra. 1 Cor. 15:1-4), and that the way we live out our sexual struggles are morally neutral since they aren't covered in the ecumenical creeds. Her vision of a soft border church seems to have no consideration of church discipline, and is very weak on repentance. It also frustrated me that she has a few pages on how the early church and Puritans all had sexuality wrong, which she asserts without a single quotation from any of them.
The inconsistencies are what really got me though. One example: she (rightly) had some helpful times where she pointed out how the majority of our people are single, and we need to stop elevating sexuality to the level of defining a flourishing person. Then she immediately creates a category of "social sexuality" where she sexualizes every relationship we have. She has no space for any sibling-love that isn't sexual. This leads to all sorts of odd (irreverent?) speculation into Jesus' relationships with his friends, especially John (p. 54). Second example: she (rightly) points out that God made the two genders different (p. 75) and that far too much of our teaching on manhood and womanhood is cultural (p. 87). Then accepts a fluid scale of masculinity and femininity that is built upon cultural stereotypes of what those are!
All in all, I don't recommend this book, even though there were some gems.
March 14, 2021
A tough (at times) but necessary read.
This book approaches the hot-topic discussion of sexuality within the church from a very blatant and unfiltered tongue - which gave this book a leg up against the thousands of other books that try and beat around the bush when this topic arises. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this dialogue - especially in the Christian church - without many people to put their foot down and just talk about it plainly & simply.
I appreciated that this book approached identity from a view that the Imago Dei reigns supreme over all - and focuses in on the mistake in which we’ve superseded it with the fact that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. This is at our very core as human beings, yes, but the fact that we are made in the image of God comes so far before that. (Genesis 1 did come before Genesis 3, you know).
Many of these chapters targeted audiences like me that have wrestled with how to approach these topics before. I left having a better understanding of how I’m called to love others and make space at the table for them.
This book, albeit a tough pill to swallow at times, promotes an absolutely necessary message that the church often misses.
This book approaches the hot-topic discussion of sexuality within the church from a very blatant and unfiltered tongue - which gave this book a leg up against the thousands of other books that try and beat around the bush when this topic arises. There’s a lot of mystery surrounding this dialogue - especially in the Christian church - without many people to put their foot down and just talk about it plainly & simply.
I appreciated that this book approached identity from a view that the Imago Dei reigns supreme over all - and focuses in on the mistake in which we’ve superseded it with the fact that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. This is at our very core as human beings, yes, but the fact that we are made in the image of God comes so far before that. (Genesis 1 did come before Genesis 3, you know).
Many of these chapters targeted audiences like me that have wrestled with how to approach these topics before. I left having a better understanding of how I’m called to love others and make space at the table for them.
This book, albeit a tough pill to swallow at times, promotes an absolutely necessary message that the church often misses.
May 6, 2025
Debra Hirsch did an incredible job writing about a topic the 21st century church needs to wrestle with. Every follower of Jesus needs to read this book by themselves. Then they need to read it with a small group and with their congregation. There is a lot to be challenged by, and we need to disciple in community. What did Jesus teach about loving others? How did he live? What did you agree with? What did you disagree with? What challenged you? What did you see in a new way? Every Jesus follower needs to read this book. Thank you Debra Hirsch for this incredible book.
November 30, 2020
This book opened my eyes to how much we are taught growing up in the church is not based in scripture but in tradition. It really helped me rethink a lot of what I was taught about sex, sexuality and how Christians should relate to the world. I feel I learned tools to be a more kind, thoughtful and loving person.
I recommend this book for Christians or people who were raised Christian and want some help unwinding some of the conflicting narratives they were taught.
I recommend this book for Christians or people who were raised Christian and want some help unwinding some of the conflicting narratives they were taught.
March 12, 2021
This was an amazing book. This is possibly the best thing that I’ve read on sexuality and how to honor God both with your personal sexual ethic as well as the way you treat others around you. The book ends with a quote from Deb’s husband who said after he read the manuscript, that Deb “pushed the boundaries of grace as far as she possibly could.” This feels like a great summary of the book. No matter where you personally stand in your theological persuasion around sexuality, this book will challenge you to love Jesus more, love your neighbor more, and practice a supernatural grace. I felt affirmed, challenged, and inspired as I read this book. This should be required reading for Christian leaders. During a season where the topic of sexuality is so polarizing, we need voices that will draw us to Jesus, and challenge us to honestly and radically live out the truth of scripture.
May 19, 2018
I really enjoyed this book. Hirsch took on a difficult topic with humor and grace. She makes the connection between sexuality and spirituality and doesn’t leave single people out of the conversation. My favorite chapter was “Jesus...Sex Symbol?” Yes, you read that correctly. :)
January 1, 2021
This book was great! I learned a lot and was challenged in my thinking and beliefs.
January 31, 2017
In a culture overflowing with sexuality and a church afraid of the conversation, Debra Hirsch's book is a welcome introduction to the topic, both in the way she sets up the conversation and speaks from years of experience in walking this conversation out. By setting the conversation of alternate sexualities within the larger context of God designed human sexuality and sin's effects on every aspect of our lives, Hirsch cuts judgementalism short before it begins and helps the reader realize we're all affected in ways we don't always understand. Leveling the playing field and helping the church see everyone as loved by God goes a long way in advocating for a conversation instead of a conflict, a relationship among friends instead of a pronouncement on the outsiders. All churches would do well to pick this book up and read it together, dialoguing as they go and living out the posture this book promotes.
January 7, 2020
I really loved reading this book. It is one that we really need in this time and place. Jesus' voice is in this book. His heart is in this book. It is a breath of fresh air and it is saying the things that our culture is desperately longing to hear. Things like acceptance before repentance, belonging before believing. I have always wondered what it would be like if a community of people learned to care for one another. Like really care. I think that a community like that might change the world. Romans 2:4
November 12, 2015
There is a lot of helpful ground dealt with sensitivity by the author concerning how we treat and welcome people from LGBTQH within the church. Some of the chapter headings are deliberately provocative, and she does push the limits in some places to further the conversation. But overall an extremely helpful contribution to the ongoing discussion.
December 26, 2020
Skvělé dílo. Konečně křesťanský hlas, který mluví láskyplně o sexu, homosexualitě a všem, co si můžete představit. Jsem ráda za tuhle knihu, jsou v ní skvělé myšlenky.
Jako třeba: "Jedné věci si na Ježíšově příkladu nesmírně vážím: celý jeho život svědčí o tom, že být single vůbec nemusí znamenat osamění."
Jako třeba: "Jedné věci si na Ježíšově příkladu nesmírně vážím: celý jeho život svědčí o tom, že být single vůbec nemusí znamenat osamění."
March 21, 2018
Not at all what I was expecting, but I can't say I'm disappointed!
Upon rereading: I’m convinced this is essential reading for anyone who is serious about loving his or her neighbors.
Upon rereading: I’m convinced this is essential reading for anyone who is serious about loving his or her neighbors.
October 30, 2025
4.5 - just as compelling the 2nd time around.
May 9, 2021
Wow. I began this book thinking I was going to read about how the author Deb Hirsch views a healthy sexual ethic in regards to Christianity; what I ended it with was different than expected in such a good way. In opening her discussion on sexuality, Deb first made the distinction between genital sexuality and social sexuality. The book largely focused on social sexuality (our desire to know and be known by others) and how it is entwined with our spirituality. A major location where Christians express social sexuality is within the Church and I especially loved the space she took to recognize the harms the Church has done to the LGBT community throughout history and the ways she suggested to embody a more Jesus-like approach to Church.
Here are some of my favorite takeaways:
- Jesus models perfectly integrated masculinity and femininity. He is masculine by nature, yet unashamedly weeps publicly over the death of loved ones, finds deep, loving relationships with both men and women, and even lets children come to Him, all of which would have culturally been assumed to be a woman’s domain.
- Jesus’ ministry was known for attracting the marginalized in society, why today is the Church largely known for repelling the marginalized (namely LGBT folk)?
- There are two views of humanity we can take
View 1: we are first and foremost sinners in need of redemption, we are secondly made in the image of God.
View 2: we are first and foremost made in the image of God, we are secondly sinners in need of redemption.
Taking view 2 will be revolutionary to the way we interact with one another, especially those different from us.
- Often churches are bounded-set where there are certain behaviors and beliefs required for belonging in the church community. But a centered-set church is one that is primarily concerned with continuously orienting one another back toward the center which is Jesus Himself.
Deb lays out a modern-day parable which better explains this kind of community:
A tourist is taken aback with the sheer vastness of the Australian outback and comments to a farmer how he can possibly keep his sheep in without fences. “The farmer replies that they don’t need to build fences, they just dig wells and the sheep don’t wander very far. If people really drink from the well of living water, I believe they won’t wander very far” (193).
I love that!!!
All in all, the book was not what I expected, but turned out to be a great insight into sexuality especially within the Church and it made me love Jesus even more. I appreciate that it was not focused on proving a certain view of how to express sexuality, but more on her experience in this field of ministry and how to recognize the importance of engaging tough conversations surrounding all aspects of our sexuality in meaningful ways. I’m sure some people may be turned off by the fact that she identifies herself as lesbian at the beginning and then explains her journey and how she now has a husband. I would like to encourage you to continue reading if this rubs you the wrong way. I feel that Deb does not attempt to lump her experience in as the norm for all LGBT folk and recognizes the complexity of sexuality in all its nature and nurture influences well. I am glad to have read this book!
Here are some of my favorite takeaways:
- Jesus models perfectly integrated masculinity and femininity. He is masculine by nature, yet unashamedly weeps publicly over the death of loved ones, finds deep, loving relationships with both men and women, and even lets children come to Him, all of which would have culturally been assumed to be a woman’s domain.
- Jesus’ ministry was known for attracting the marginalized in society, why today is the Church largely known for repelling the marginalized (namely LGBT folk)?
- There are two views of humanity we can take
View 1: we are first and foremost sinners in need of redemption, we are secondly made in the image of God.
View 2: we are first and foremost made in the image of God, we are secondly sinners in need of redemption.
Taking view 2 will be revolutionary to the way we interact with one another, especially those different from us.
- Often churches are bounded-set where there are certain behaviors and beliefs required for belonging in the church community. But a centered-set church is one that is primarily concerned with continuously orienting one another back toward the center which is Jesus Himself.
Deb lays out a modern-day parable which better explains this kind of community:
A tourist is taken aback with the sheer vastness of the Australian outback and comments to a farmer how he can possibly keep his sheep in without fences. “The farmer replies that they don’t need to build fences, they just dig wells and the sheep don’t wander very far. If people really drink from the well of living water, I believe they won’t wander very far” (193).
I love that!!!
All in all, the book was not what I expected, but turned out to be a great insight into sexuality especially within the Church and it made me love Jesus even more. I appreciate that it was not focused on proving a certain view of how to express sexuality, but more on her experience in this field of ministry and how to recognize the importance of engaging tough conversations surrounding all aspects of our sexuality in meaningful ways. I’m sure some people may be turned off by the fact that she identifies herself as lesbian at the beginning and then explains her journey and how she now has a husband. I would like to encourage you to continue reading if this rubs you the wrong way. I feel that Deb does not attempt to lump her experience in as the norm for all LGBT folk and recognizes the complexity of sexuality in all its nature and nurture influences well. I am glad to have read this book!
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 23, 2021
First of all, let's be clear that this is a book about human sexuality and spirituality. Debra Hirsch does an excellent job right off the bat explaining the differences between genital and social sexuality, and the bulk of the book focuses on the social, specifically in the realm of the church.
Hirsch writes with such love and grace for people, sharing parts of her own past with experiences she and her husband have had as church planters and pastors. I would also strongly recommend this book for any Christians (but especially ministry leaders) who are not sure how best to love the LGBTQ people in their lives, inside and outside of the church. She explains the complexities and different reasons why someone might appear to "change" their sexuality over time and does so with such love and kindness for everyone--the conservative and the liberal, the gay person and the straight. I have not seen many authors be able to do this well.
Hirsch writes about Jesus and His love with such tenderness and affection....you can tell she has a close relationship with the Lord; it's beautiful.
The biggest take away I got from this book is the importance of establishing a sense of belonging for people rather than expecting a certain set of behaviors before they can be part of a community. As Hirsch observes in her final chapter, "This is what it means to have direct access to Jesus. We are accepted first. And then in the context of his acceptance (his kindness) we are able to repent" (202).
Her examples of center-set and bounded-set church models were incredibly helpful. And the fact that single people and those who have chosen chastity are also included in her vision of Christ-centered community was so appreciated. I was so encouraged by her celebration of Jesus' singleness.
There are so many big ideas in this book that I'm going to be processing this for a while. It has been such a gift to discuss this in my ladies' book club--I think it would have been hard to read this without being able to discuss it with others.
I was left with no questions and really don't have much to critique. I will definitely be reading more from her and Alan.
Hirsch writes with such love and grace for people, sharing parts of her own past with experiences she and her husband have had as church planters and pastors. I would also strongly recommend this book for any Christians (but especially ministry leaders) who are not sure how best to love the LGBTQ people in their lives, inside and outside of the church. She explains the complexities and different reasons why someone might appear to "change" their sexuality over time and does so with such love and kindness for everyone--the conservative and the liberal, the gay person and the straight. I have not seen many authors be able to do this well.
Hirsch writes about Jesus and His love with such tenderness and affection....you can tell she has a close relationship with the Lord; it's beautiful.
The biggest take away I got from this book is the importance of establishing a sense of belonging for people rather than expecting a certain set of behaviors before they can be part of a community. As Hirsch observes in her final chapter, "This is what it means to have direct access to Jesus. We are accepted first. And then in the context of his acceptance (his kindness) we are able to repent" (202).
Her examples of center-set and bounded-set church models were incredibly helpful. And the fact that single people and those who have chosen chastity are also included in her vision of Christ-centered community was so appreciated. I was so encouraged by her celebration of Jesus' singleness.
There are so many big ideas in this book that I'm going to be processing this for a while. It has been such a gift to discuss this in my ladies' book club--I think it would have been hard to read this without being able to discuss it with others.
I was left with no questions and really don't have much to critique. I will definitely be reading more from her and Alan.
December 19, 2022
5/5 ⭐️s
I think the best way to suggest friends who may be interested in read this is to look at the table of contents
Pt 1: Where Did All the Sexy Christians Go?
1 Oh my God! Sexuality Meets Spirituality
2 Modesty Gone Mad
3 Jesus … Sex Symbol?
Pt 2: Bits, Bobs and Tricky Business
4 The Eight Fundamentals of Sex
5 Gender Matters
6 Bi Now, Gay Later?
7 Limiping Straight to Heaven
8 Uncomfortable Sex Positions
Pt 3: The Mission of Christian Sexuality
9 The Bent Scapegoat
10 Imago Gay
11 Re-Sexing the Church
Thank you to Josiah for prompting me to get the book :D
I am grateful for Debra Hirsch for giving voice and foundation for what may seem like intimidating and difficult topics. On a personal note, this recent line of my reading interests is a reflection of my journey with my faith and sexuality .. in my college years so far (which I cannot believe is coming to a close AH the world becomes increasingly more complicated and beautiful each passing year) I have found myself to be in spaces in college where I have been blessed with the opportunities to be in spaces that strives to create healthy, inclusive sex education and guidelines to create safe and healthy spaces for the LGBTQ+ community. All in all I have found great peace and motivation in seeing the value of and protecting the very fact that we are all bearers of God’s image and made to be relational beings. I hope to be better at holding these difficult conversations … and trying to fit in large amounts of my information is my coping mechanism for my introvert side hahahahahahaha - may God shower me with His grace. Jesus is Awesome y’all. I want to be a friend like Him.
This book was Spicy :^)
I think the best way to suggest friends who may be interested in read this is to look at the table of contents
Pt 1: Where Did All the Sexy Christians Go?
1 Oh my God! Sexuality Meets Spirituality
2 Modesty Gone Mad
3 Jesus … Sex Symbol?
Pt 2: Bits, Bobs and Tricky Business
4 The Eight Fundamentals of Sex
5 Gender Matters
6 Bi Now, Gay Later?
7 Limiping Straight to Heaven
8 Uncomfortable Sex Positions
Pt 3: The Mission of Christian Sexuality
9 The Bent Scapegoat
10 Imago Gay
11 Re-Sexing the Church
Thank you to Josiah for prompting me to get the book :D
I am grateful for Debra Hirsch for giving voice and foundation for what may seem like intimidating and difficult topics. On a personal note, this recent line of my reading interests is a reflection of my journey with my faith and sexuality .. in my college years so far (which I cannot believe is coming to a close AH the world becomes increasingly more complicated and beautiful each passing year) I have found myself to be in spaces in college where I have been blessed with the opportunities to be in spaces that strives to create healthy, inclusive sex education and guidelines to create safe and healthy spaces for the LGBTQ+ community. All in all I have found great peace and motivation in seeing the value of and protecting the very fact that we are all bearers of God’s image and made to be relational beings. I hope to be better at holding these difficult conversations … and trying to fit in large amounts of my information is my coping mechanism for my introvert side hahahahahahaha - may God shower me with His grace. Jesus is Awesome y’all. I want to be a friend like Him.
This book was Spicy :^)
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