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Painting Portraits of Everyone I've Ever Dated
A wry, tender and funny debut novel about art and love – and how the act of seeing lies at the heart of both.
All Ellie Robertson has wanted to be since childhood is a painter: after all, that’s the easiest way to speak without actually having to say anything. But now she’s turning thirty, has had a major career win, and is only just realising that she might have let some minor things slide. Like, for instance, working out how to love another human being.
So Ellie decides to do what any normal person would do: paint a portrait of each of her exes, from the childhood crush to the woman she may or may not still be madly in love with. The only problem is that she now needs to get in touch with everyone she’s dated, and not everyone is exactly happy to talk to her.
Hilarious and bittersweet, Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a story of a young woman who decides to finally try and see other people – even if she runs the risk of (god forbid) finally seeing herself.
All Ellie Robertson has wanted to be since childhood is a painter: after all, that’s the easiest way to speak without actually having to say anything. But now she’s turning thirty, has had a major career win, and is only just realising that she might have let some minor things slide. Like, for instance, working out how to love another human being.
So Ellie decides to do what any normal person would do: paint a portrait of each of her exes, from the childhood crush to the woman she may or may not still be madly in love with. The only problem is that she now needs to get in touch with everyone she’s dated, and not everyone is exactly happy to talk to her.
Hilarious and bittersweet, Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a story of a young woman who decides to finally try and see other people – even if she runs the risk of (god forbid) finally seeing herself.
320 pages, Paperback
Published April 29, 2024
20 people are currently reading
721 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
May 18, 2025
Omg I’ve had an arc of this book for months but I’m so stupid I only read it yesterday!! I’ve been missing out man! I’ve been in a bit of a reading slump lately, just keep picking up bad books, but this one was so sensational it restored my faith in the literary world (thank god).
Honestly, it just got better and better as I kept reading. I looooove literary fiction and I can really appreciate when an author can balance humour and quick pacing with deep, sad, messy stuff and manage to have it well written at the same time.
This was just executed so well and I’m still so emotional that I don’t really know what to say, the whole Frances stuff was insane like I just can’t believe they would write that. I need one of you to read it please so we can discuss it, I’m serious.
It reminded me of ‘I hope this finds you well’ and ‘Everyone I know is dying’ which were some of my fav lit fics that came out last year, but I think this one was even better.
I’m excited to see more from this author, and I’m so glad the cover caught my attention because it was just one of those unexpected gems you happen to stumble across at the perfect time.
(Totally gonna sell a million copies at work, just watch me guys).
Honestly, it just got better and better as I kept reading. I looooove literary fiction and I can really appreciate when an author can balance humour and quick pacing with deep, sad, messy stuff and manage to have it well written at the same time.
This was just executed so well and I’m still so emotional that I don’t really know what to say, the whole Frances stuff was insane like I just can’t believe they would write that. I need one of you to read it please so we can discuss it, I’m serious.
It reminded me of ‘I hope this finds you well’ and ‘Everyone I know is dying’ which were some of my fav lit fics that came out last year, but I think this one was even better.
I’m excited to see more from this author, and I’m so glad the cover caught my attention because it was just one of those unexpected gems you happen to stumble across at the perfect time.
(Totally gonna sell a million copies at work, just watch me guys).
July 2, 2025
Painting Portraits of Everyone I've Ever Dated is an amazing debute novel by my friend Joe. Joe and I did our philosophy honours year together back in 2020. Our friendship began locked in long conversations via zoom during Covid lockdown that year. The isolation of the pandemic driving our cohort of enthusiastically niave philosophers to go to excessive lengths to bond and befriend one another.
His philosophical purview often centred on the pain of existence, and the relativity of experience. All of which are vibrant in this book.
Ellie, the protagonist, is a hopeless human by any standard we might establish for being a member of society. She's a flood of near uncontrollable emotion and disdain for cordiality.
But there is also something deeply relatable in her. Something anyone who has opened up their laptop at 9am Monday morning to check-in with their boss might understand. Ellie, in a way, is powerful enough to de-shackle. And although much of what she does throughout the book is pathetic, you might also find yourself feeling a pang of jealousy.
For me, and this may be a rather bold take, I don't think this book is about processing your past relationships at all. It's not about the variety of romance or the ways we change with the different people we love. At its core, I think it's about how for many people, life passes by without us ever being our own main character.
Ellie doesn't own her own story. In much of the book, it's as if she's witness to her own life. She just wakes up every morning, and things happen to her. She falls out of love. She falls in love. Her friends get engaged. It all happens, and Ellie, in her own disassociated way, witnesses it happening. That's perhaps the most painful part.
His philosophical purview often centred on the pain of existence, and the relativity of experience. All of which are vibrant in this book.
Ellie, the protagonist, is a hopeless human by any standard we might establish for being a member of society. She's a flood of near uncontrollable emotion and disdain for cordiality.
But there is also something deeply relatable in her. Something anyone who has opened up their laptop at 9am Monday morning to check-in with their boss might understand. Ellie, in a way, is powerful enough to de-shackle. And although much of what she does throughout the book is pathetic, you might also find yourself feeling a pang of jealousy.
For me, and this may be a rather bold take, I don't think this book is about processing your past relationships at all. It's not about the variety of romance or the ways we change with the different people we love. At its core, I think it's about how for many people, life passes by without us ever being our own main character.
Ellie doesn't own her own story. In much of the book, it's as if she's witness to her own life. She just wakes up every morning, and things happen to her. She falls out of love. She falls in love. Her friends get engaged. It all happens, and Ellie, in her own disassociated way, witnesses it happening. That's perhaps the most painful part.
May 15, 2025
Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a fantastic and honest debut with plenty of heart and the more I read, the more I loved it.
Ellie Robertson has always wanted to be a painter, but following the win of a major art prize, she begins to realise that perhaps she has missed some key parts of what it is to be human, namely how to love. With this realisation, she decides her next project will be to paint a portrait of each of her exes, from her childhood crush to the woman who she may still be madly in love with. To do this, she will need to contact each of these people and understandably they’re not all happy to hear from her.
Painting Portraits is a wonderfully character driven novel which is both emotional and hilarious. It’s a study of an artist and what it means to create art. “…Ellie had long ago decided that the only people of any value in the art world openly hated it.”
Ellie has a knack for diverting people’s attention from getting too close by saying things that make people incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. Some of these conversations caused me to burst out laughing. There were other moments of the book, especially when it came to family and lost love, that brought a lump to my throat. I really felt for Ellie, who was such an engaging protagonist.
I also loved seeing how Ellie developed throughout this story as she revisited people from her past and began to reflect on how relationships had ended and what was preventing her from loving another person.
Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a brilliant Australian debut. It’s a must read for lovers of literary fiction and character driven novels.
Ellie Robertson has always wanted to be a painter, but following the win of a major art prize, she begins to realise that perhaps she has missed some key parts of what it is to be human, namely how to love. With this realisation, she decides her next project will be to paint a portrait of each of her exes, from her childhood crush to the woman who she may still be madly in love with. To do this, she will need to contact each of these people and understandably they’re not all happy to hear from her.
Painting Portraits is a wonderfully character driven novel which is both emotional and hilarious. It’s a study of an artist and what it means to create art. “…Ellie had long ago decided that the only people of any value in the art world openly hated it.”
Ellie has a knack for diverting people’s attention from getting too close by saying things that make people incredibly uncomfortable and awkward. Some of these conversations caused me to burst out laughing. There were other moments of the book, especially when it came to family and lost love, that brought a lump to my throat. I really felt for Ellie, who was such an engaging protagonist.
I also loved seeing how Ellie developed throughout this story as she revisited people from her past and began to reflect on how relationships had ended and what was preventing her from loving another person.
Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is a brilliant Australian debut. It’s a must read for lovers of literary fiction and character driven novels.
September 6, 2025
I loved this. Cynical, vulnerable, ugly and charming. Laughed out loud, screwed up my face, warmed my heart. If this is the debut, gimme more!!
🎨💔🙈
🎨💔🙈
August 12, 2025
From “Life seemed like a long corridor of doors closing, her daily routine punctuated by the slam of things being shut down; turned off; ending” to “‘Real estate certainly seems like a lucrative industry,’ Ellie said, and then heard what she just said. I used to have dreams, she thought to herself ” this book has it all. A lil bit of existential crisis, thoughts on the nature of truly looking at things and how that comes across in art, the healing power of art and how it helps us grow, and most importantly some good jokes!
May 7, 2025
This book was just stunning!!! So rich and evocative and beautifully written. I’m not sure if I’d want to be friends with Ellie but god she made a great main character. I feel honoured to have been by her side as she learned about herself and all the great loves of her life. Thank you Ellie (and Joseph).
May 4, 2025
Colourful characters and a great premise!
December 5, 2025
4.5 stars - right book at the right time!
November 3, 2025
God I loved this
October 8, 2025
ok first off I’m always wary about men writing from the perspective of a woman. But! I have no qualms with Earp’s characters.
This felt reminiscent of ‘my year of rest and relaxation’ but in a more toned down and cathartic way.
I really enjoyed its simplicity which was at the same time so heartfelt and genuine. Also it made me realise that my past isn’t that deep and to leave it in the past.
This felt reminiscent of ‘my year of rest and relaxation’ but in a more toned down and cathartic way.
I really enjoyed its simplicity which was at the same time so heartfelt and genuine. Also it made me realise that my past isn’t that deep and to leave it in the past.
September 22, 2025
This was full of the witticisms and driven by an intolerable (and well rendered) protagonist that I have come to expect from contemporary Aus authors. I especially enjoyed the poetic rumination on art and looking and exes…
However, despite the optimised-for-Kmart-cover, I was hoping for a bit more from this. It could’ve been grounded in stronger placemaking—that would’ve really built up the ‘scene’ and market context that the protagonist so despises.
The pacing was a bit off too. With the title and set up I thought it would be more episodic but really it just circled around one or two love interests, and made some of the ex characters/stories a bit undercooked. That wasn’t a problem in and of itself I think I just wanted a bit more of the High Fidelity style ex run through.
Nonetheless, will be reading more of Earp!
However, despite the optimised-for-Kmart-cover, I was hoping for a bit more from this. It could’ve been grounded in stronger placemaking—that would’ve really built up the ‘scene’ and market context that the protagonist so despises.
The pacing was a bit off too. With the title and set up I thought it would be more episodic but really it just circled around one or two love interests, and made some of the ex characters/stories a bit undercooked. That wasn’t a problem in and of itself I think I just wanted a bit more of the High Fidelity style ex run through.
Nonetheless, will be reading more of Earp!
June 4, 2025
Painting Portraits of Everyone I’ve Ever Dated is absolutely one of my favourite books of all time, and I have read a heck of a lot of books. It follows Ellie, a painter, as she revisits her past by painting portraits of her exes and in turn, begins to understand herself. Ellie has a dry sense of humour which is more apparent in uncomfortable situations (I can personally connect with this trait myself!).
I am disappointed that I can’t read this book again for the first time and I now need to deal with the heartbreak of it being over.
I am disappointed that I can’t read this book again for the first time and I now need to deal with the heartbreak of it being over.
August 8, 2025
i really really liked this book. having exes is a fact of life that i think is cause for nuclear war, and has inspired great distress in myself and tens of others, but what a beautiful way to look at the sticky disgusting tangled mess we get in when we love others. a perfect amount of poetry and abstraction that doesn’t lose a grip on reality, which hit me in a particularly profound way. love!!!!!!
May 27, 2025
The best book I’ve ever read. So funny yet gut wrenchingly sad in ways you don’t think it will be.
“There comes a point when the dogged refusal to accept the state of things moves through the heroic and right into the desperate”.
“There comes a point when the dogged refusal to accept the state of things moves through the heroic and right into the desperate”.
Read
May 1, 2025A fabulously witty yet deeply sincere contemporary debut about life, love, and art of all kinds. For fans of Dolly Alderton, Gabrielle Zevin, and Fleabag!
August 2, 2025
"There was so much worry in the world about being a type of guy. People worried about being the type of guy with a mattress on the floor. The type of guy who was really into juggling. The type of guy who kept a pet rat; who was bad at texting; who liked the Strokes, earnestly or otherwise. But everybody was a type of guy. There was no escaping being a type of guy, and know that, to some people, your type-of-guyness wouldn't get in the way. To them, you would just be you." - p. 251
I feel like I need to go back and re-read the first half of this book. At about 150 pages I was really questioning what book I had picked up, not in a way that was terrible but the characters and their interactions just didn't feel real? The main character is meant to be chaotic (she was written very similar to Gilda from Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead, at least that's who she reminded me of) but the conversations had between all of them just didn't feel like how anyone would normally talk to each other, not just the topics they discusses but the way they discussed them as well. I don't know, it just felt very disconnected and kind of took me away from the story. At that point I would have rated it about 2-3 stars.
That was, until Ellie goes on the retreat with her manager and I swear a switch flipped and it all started coming together. Suddenly this focus on relationships - romantic, platonic, and parental- all came into focus and it became the story I was expecting to read from the start but with a little bit more to it. By painting portraits of her exes you're able to see Ellie reflect on them as a person, separate from the rose-coloured glasses of a relationship. How people can change, how relationships can affect them, and how they've stayed the same. Earp actually brings in this idea of "seeing" people through Ellie's experience with art which then becomes visible in the way you notice her observe others. It's a really lovely idea and I actually really enjoyed the last half of this book and her relationship with all the other characters. It makes me question how well I interpreted the start of it.
'Brainard is not literally in this painting. It's just a painting of a dog. But thousands of people have painted dogs throughout history. You can do a course on the history of dogs in art. They probably offer some bullshit like that here.'
A laugh got passed around the room, along with the phone.
'But also, he is in this painting,' Ellie said. 'His eye is in this painting. His kindness - the way he loved, and was loved by, his friends - makes this painting what it is. Out of all the things in the world, he decided to paint this dog. He honoured it by looking. And it honoured him by being the thing looked at." - p. 255
(the link to the painting she's talking about - https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collect... )
Bonus quote as a little treat if you've read this far:
"His was a face that outright rejected object permanence." - p. 269
I feel like I need to go back and re-read the first half of this book. At about 150 pages I was really questioning what book I had picked up, not in a way that was terrible but the characters and their interactions just didn't feel real? The main character is meant to be chaotic (she was written very similar to Gilda from Everyone in This Room Will Someday Be Dead, at least that's who she reminded me of) but the conversations had between all of them just didn't feel like how anyone would normally talk to each other, not just the topics they discusses but the way they discussed them as well. I don't know, it just felt very disconnected and kind of took me away from the story. At that point I would have rated it about 2-3 stars.
That was, until Ellie goes on the retreat with her manager and I swear a switch flipped and it all started coming together. Suddenly this focus on relationships - romantic, platonic, and parental- all came into focus and it became the story I was expecting to read from the start but with a little bit more to it. By painting portraits of her exes you're able to see Ellie reflect on them as a person, separate from the rose-coloured glasses of a relationship. How people can change, how relationships can affect them, and how they've stayed the same. Earp actually brings in this idea of "seeing" people through Ellie's experience with art which then becomes visible in the way you notice her observe others. It's a really lovely idea and I actually really enjoyed the last half of this book and her relationship with all the other characters. It makes me question how well I interpreted the start of it.
'Brainard is not literally in this painting. It's just a painting of a dog. But thousands of people have painted dogs throughout history. You can do a course on the history of dogs in art. They probably offer some bullshit like that here.'
A laugh got passed around the room, along with the phone.
'But also, he is in this painting,' Ellie said. 'His eye is in this painting. His kindness - the way he loved, and was loved by, his friends - makes this painting what it is. Out of all the things in the world, he decided to paint this dog. He honoured it by looking. And it honoured him by being the thing looked at." - p. 255
(the link to the painting she's talking about - https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collect... )
Bonus quote as a little treat if you've read this far:
"His was a face that outright rejected object permanence." - p. 269
October 14, 2025
Simply brilliant. Very much does what the title says, but in such a loving way. The development of Ellie as she considers her past relationships is fantastic. Wonderfully crafted contemplation of love and relationships. Wonderfully written - gently witty and gently caustic. Her agent is described as someone who had "come out of the womb clicking her tongue in disapproval about the paint job on the hospital walls". While at a retreat, she has the most flavourless thing she had consumed in her life, "a meal prepared by a person who'd never experienced a taste more complex than water licked from a polished rock". Absolutely loved this book.
October 12, 2025
I randomly found this book at a bookstore, but believe it found me. Utterly delightful, funny and tender. A favourite read of the year.
June 8, 2025
This book is a witty, authentic, and perceptive portrait of love, memory, and self-discovery.
'Painting Portraits of Everyone I've Ever Dated' follows Ellie, a nearly-thirty, successful artist who finds herself disillusioned after winning a major art prize. In attempt to make sense of her art practice, as well as the world around her, Ellie sets out to paint portraits of all her exes. What begins as a story of a struggling artist gradually morphs into a lesson on life, love and the power of seeing.
I was hooked from the very first page. The story flows effortlessly, with dialogue that feels natural and moments that genuinely made me laugh out loud. It's a clever, heartfelt novel that is rich with emotion, humour, and insight. The story never felt dull, and the characters were well-developed and unique in their philosophies. I felt like I truly saw each one for who they really were, something that is hard to capture on the page, but something Earp does effortlessly.
This book is a must-read for fans of literary fiction, and especially resonant for artists who may find reflections of themselves in Ellie's story.
'Painting Portraits of Everyone I've Ever Dated' follows Ellie, a nearly-thirty, successful artist who finds herself disillusioned after winning a major art prize. In attempt to make sense of her art practice, as well as the world around her, Ellie sets out to paint portraits of all her exes. What begins as a story of a struggling artist gradually morphs into a lesson on life, love and the power of seeing.
I was hooked from the very first page. The story flows effortlessly, with dialogue that feels natural and moments that genuinely made me laugh out loud. It's a clever, heartfelt novel that is rich with emotion, humour, and insight. The story never felt dull, and the characters were well-developed and unique in their philosophies. I felt like I truly saw each one for who they really were, something that is hard to capture on the page, but something Earp does effortlessly.
This book is a must-read for fans of literary fiction, and especially resonant for artists who may find reflections of themselves in Ellie's story.
August 15, 2025
At first I found the vibe a bit frenetic, smothered in jokes. But then it settled into itself with some tender and life-pondering moments alongside the lols and I enjoyed it.
October 22, 2025
Qui ha amenaçat a les 73 persones que li han donat 5 estrelles a aquest desordre i horror de llibre?
La idea era bona, però ha estat absolutament desaprofitada amb aquesta redacció que hauria pogut ser millorada per aquella nena de 12 anys que fa fanfics de harry potter i remus a wattpad i s'oblida de actualitzar la història perque té la funció de nadal del cole.
La idea era bona, però ha estat absolutament desaprofitada amb aquesta redacció que hauria pogut ser millorada per aquella nena de 12 anys que fa fanfics de harry potter i remus a wattpad i s'oblida de actualitzar la història perque té la funció de nadal del cole.
May 25, 2025
Today is my stop on the book tour for this fabulously funny and quirky contemporary story. Thank you so much @panterapress for having me on this book tour and for my gifted copy
Ellie is now a celebrated artist, having just won a coveted art award, her agent and some keen buyers are eager to see what artworks will come next
Having mostly painted animals, she now turns her brush to painting her past partners. Now needing to reconnect with them, she begins a journey of self discovery trying to understand why she keeps herself at a distance from human connection and relationships
Let me start by saying Ellie is a fantastic character, she is honest and at times so blunt with her dry dark humour I was laughing out loud the whole way through. The character development is the heart of the story. As Ellie keeps her guard up so much that when she does let people in you feel the joy that she feels
I thoroughly enjoyed this wonderful debut and can’t wait to see what’s next for the author
Ellie is now a celebrated artist, having just won a coveted art award, her agent and some keen buyers are eager to see what artworks will come next
Having mostly painted animals, she now turns her brush to painting her past partners. Now needing to reconnect with them, she begins a journey of self discovery trying to understand why she keeps herself at a distance from human connection and relationships
Let me start by saying Ellie is a fantastic character, she is honest and at times so blunt with her dry dark humour I was laughing out loud the whole way through. The character development is the heart of the story. As Ellie keeps her guard up so much that when she does let people in you feel the joy that she feels
I thoroughly enjoyed this wonderful debut and can’t wait to see what’s next for the author
May 26, 2025
3.75 rounded up
May 22, 2025
Feeling the winter blues? This debut novel is basically a warm hug in book form—with a side of laugh-out-loud moments and an unapologetic love for the colour orange. (Honestly, if serotonin were a story, it would be this one.) It’s joyful, clever, and bursting with heart. So if your TBR needs a little more sunshine and a lot more fun, consider this your official nudge. Go on—brighten your bookshelf!
Read my full review over on hundredacreofbooks.com
https://hundredacreofbooks.com/index....
Read my full review over on hundredacreofbooks.com
https://hundredacreofbooks.com/index....
May 31, 2025
"There is no perfect life, and what a dull thing it would be if there was one".
Do it for the plot! This is such a funny yet mature and self aware book. So many nuggety bits of wisdom weaved between interesting characters, humour, and a plot line you can't say no to (I mean, a person contacting all their exes to paint their picture says DRAMA to me - I want to read about THAT). Now I want to see the exhibition...
Do it for the plot! This is such a funny yet mature and self aware book. So many nuggety bits of wisdom weaved between interesting characters, humour, and a plot line you can't say no to (I mean, a person contacting all their exes to paint their picture says DRAMA to me - I want to read about THAT). Now I want to see the exhibition...
May 20, 2025
What a delight!!!!
July 27, 2025
Loved this one! It left me smiling and I finished it in two sittings (really adoring the second half of the story)! Sooo good. Character-driven and unique yet simple and truthful about how the main character sees herself and others.
June 12, 2025
Enjoyed the writing, loathed the characters
July 1, 2025
Well-written and consistently surprising….did not expect a funny book like this to hit me in the guts like that. Loved it
Under the radar book that was recommended to me.
4.5 rounded up
Under the radar book that was recommended to me.
4.5 rounded up
April 20, 2025
Can’t get over how much I loved this book!! Seriously connected to it on another level
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews