Something About a Sword and a Stone?

Arthur Dies at the End #1

by Jeffrey Wikstrom

If you did know all those things, clearly you’ve read Le Morte d’Arthur by Sir Thomas Malory, and I pity you. No one should have to slog through that pile of continuity errors and insipid descriptions of jousts. I’ve spent years of my life poring over all twenty-one Books of this foundational work of fantasy literature, dreadful as it is. Here, for your amusement and edification, I recount, dissect, and ruthlessly mock each ridiculous plot contrivance, each self-contradictory anecdote, and each unnamed damsel who runs in from offscreen and dies.
Arthur Dies at the End volume 1: Something About a Sword and a Stone? covers Books I through III of Le Morte d’Arthur . Here you’ll find King Arthur’s earliest days, from the hilarious and rape-filled account of his conception to the bit with the sword in the stone we all remember to his first war to his loveless wedding to Guinevere and his nephew Gawaine’s very first quest (he screws it up pretty bad)!

Genres: Arthurian, Nonfiction

178 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2014

Reviews

[Ed Erwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Le Morte d'Arthur by Thomas Malory contains many of the familiar stories of King Arthur and has been hugely popular for centuries. So you should definitely read it, right? WRONG. It is horribly boring and consists mainly of continuity errors and Quidditch matches. Or Jousting. I forget which. The fact that even the title is spelled wrong should be a hint. (Should be "La" not "Le".)

If you really insist, then read this instead. "That's the whole point of this project, after all: to take the narrative as presented by Sir Thomas Malory and convert into something that is fun to read, or failing that, something that isn't painful to read."

This basically has the full story of the first three books of "Morte", but with most jousting skipped over, inconsistencies noted, and names provided for the women and dwarves that Malory couldn't be bothered to name. "I've read Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers fanfiction with a better grasp of female characters than Malory."

There are some surprises in the story that I didn't know, or had forgotten. Like, swords getting pulled out of stones and other things -- like a chastity belt! -- happen more than I expected. Women accidentally throwing themselves on knight's swords happens more than I expected "That's why ladies aren't allowed to touch swords. It's a safety thing." The first "Lady of the Lake", there are 2 of them, gets her head cut off. Arthur murders all babies born on May 1. "Boys from all over Arthur's nation poured into Caerlaeon. ... Some of them were almost a year old, some of them were a month old, some of them were less than a month old, Malory tells us, because apparently he's forgotten how birthdays work."

Continuity errors abound. Arthur adds knights to the Round Table in books 1 and 2 but doesn't have a Round Table until book 3. Malory can't seem to remember whether Arthur is based in London or Camelot or some other place. The size of the Round Table fluctuates wildly. Arthur forgets what Excalibur is. And so on.... (This may be because these stories were originally published separately and he might have fixed this if he'd lived longer.)

This self-published book has errors of its own, but not enough to spoil the fun. I probably won't read the other volumes, but it was fun to spend time with this one. (3 1/2 stars)

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wikstrom tells the story from Malory's LE MORTE D'ARTHUR with full-on humour, escaping the dryness, as well goofing on the multiple inconsistencies, of the original text. If you've ever been tempted to read Malory (I tried more than 20 years ago), but were daunted by the difficult read of it, this is a great way to go. I laughed out loud numerous times.

[Mira · Rating 5 out of 5]

This whole series is great. I've been cracking up over "It is indeed a continuity error, sire!" for days.

[Stephanie Franklin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is basically a TWoP-style recap of Le morte du Arthur, and it does a fine job of giving the basic idea of the plot while poking fun at Malory's horrible writing. There are some small editing issues, but overall I enjoyed it, and I'm looking forward to reading the next book.

[Ginnyofflames21hotmail.com · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much easier to read.

I enjoyed reading this and am glad he clarified things at the end there although most of it was obvious. Very funny read.

[Jeremiah Mccoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This felt very much like a conversation about the iconic Arthuring tale, with humor.