The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy

by Gary Smalley, Ted Cunningham

Relationship expert Gary Smalley, best-selling author of The Blessing and The Language of Love, finally tackles a topic that’s on everybody’s sex. With his pastor and friend, Ted Cunningham, Smalley nudges past our hang-ups and sacred cows to answer the question, How can I have the best sex of my life? The answer may surprise you. Did you know that great sex begins with security, which leads to intimacy, which leads to incredible sex? It's only as we take an honest look at the differences between men and women and find ways to bridge the gap that we can create the security and intimacy that great sex needs to flourish. In The Language of Sex, Smalley and Ted Cunningham peel back the layers of mystery and show us how to do just that!

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Religion, Christian, Sexuality, Personal Development

229 pages, Hardcover

First published April 1, 2008

About the author

Gary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.

Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.

Reviews

[Morgan Farr · Rating 1 out of 5]

Oh my goodness… I don't even know where to start with this review. From rather tacky anatomical statements (that are supposed to be funny… maybe?) to sweeping generalizations about what women want, this book was rough to get through.

The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy is written mostly by Ted Cunningham with additions and extras by Dr. Gary Smalley. Admittedly Smalley gets top billing, but I didn't feel like he contributed nearly as much as Ted Cunningham.

Either way, this book has a lot of very familiar teachings on sex, many of which are not positive. I was impressed by Cunningham's insistence on reiterating that women can and do enjoy sex when their husbands slow down and get to know their wife's body.

However, that positive note alone was not enough to redeem the small portion in chapter 10 that had me fuming while listening on the treadmill.

This is the end of the chapter. Ted Cunningham is addressing common questions and he starts talking about porn use in a marriage.

While he admits that porn use is wrong as well as adulterous, it is his counsel to wives that is particularly egregious.

Ted uses 1 Peter chapter 3 as a means of a wife dealing with a husbands porn use.

This isn’t ok or legitimate.

Here is why.

If Ted is talking to believing Christians (which is who this book is geared towards) then 1 Peter 3 doesn’t apply. 1 Peter 3 is specifically dealing with those that “do not believe the word”. That means nonbeleivers. This scripture that he is referencing is about winning a lost husband to Christ not addressing Christian men who are stepping out of their marriage with porn!

As if misusing scripture to muzzle women isn't bad enough Cunningham also tells wives:

“don’t be on him about his addiction”
“to watch your own behavior”
“be honest about your own struggles with him”

None of this is okay.

A wife cannot be vulnerable and open where there is deceit and deception, period. It is also not her behavior that caused or allows his porn use, it is his behavior and his responsibility, full stop.

Finally, secret porn use creates betrayal trauma in the deceived partner. Cunningham seems to skip over this portion as if it is hardly worth mentioning.

This too, is not okay.

If you are a victim of secret porn use by your partner there are resources out there that can really help you rather than masking or ignoring the issues. Check out work by Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), Sarah McDugal, and Sheila Gregoire

[Shari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well explained from a Christian perspective with lots of practical tips as well.

It wasn’t groundbreaking news, but it was a really good reminder of what a godly relationship should look like.

[Dan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn't know this was religious when I checked it out. I could have done without the religious aspect of this. It made good relationship points but was very mild when it came to discussion of sex.

[Paige Gordon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although it didn't claim the top spot of my favorite book about sex (that still belongs to God Loves Sex), this is without a doubt my second favorite book about sex, and probably the first one I would recommend to anyone looking for a solid Christian book on the subject. I cannot overstate how much I love that the authors constantly remind you that "sex is a barometer which indicates the health of your marriage overall" and that "nearly all sexual problems are indicative of greater issues in your relationship".
The simple formula that Honor leads to Security which builds Intimacy which results in amazing Sex is something that I have found to be 100% true in my own marriage. As is so beautifully stated in the book "Intimacy does not start in the bedroom; it culminates in the bedroom." This means that the major thing to focus on in order to improve your sex life (which is exactly what the first half of this book talks about it) is your COMMUNICATION skills. Until you can learn to honestly and openly communicate at the 6th level (beliefs - read the book to understand the levels) you'll always struggle to enjoy true physical intimacy because you'll be lacking emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Without hesitation, I would recommend this book to Anyone who is married, regardless of how long you've been together or the current health of your marriage. I guarantee there is something in here that will challenge you and help grow your love for each other to an even deeper level.

Favorite Quote: "Honor creates security. Security creates intimacy. And intimacy sets the stage for great sex. The truth is that you cannot have great sex without honor and an open spirit. The journey to the best sex of your life - the kind that God designed for you and your spouse - begins on the road to your heart. You begin honoring your love when you begin WORKING ON YOUR OWN HEART."

[CATHERINE MC]

This rocked my bible study group and they all enjoyed it. The women all appreciated the opportunity to learn and purge and rejoice and be enlightened by this book. We created a safe zone for the women and God blessed it.

[Terry · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to the audio book.

I thought the book was full of useful information. Explaining just how differently men and women think. Very interesting.

[Amy Bell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book on how God views sex and marriage.

[Logan · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had some good points from a nominally Christian perspective. I don't agree with all that is in this book but I found some things to think about and talk over with my wife. Men and women are definitely created different and being aware of certain differences can help in understanding needs and expectations.

[Dimma Jose · Rating 5 out of 5]

God has given us sex as a gift and it's one to be thoroughly treasured, celebrated and enjoyed. The top thing a woman wants from a man is gentleness. The top thing a man wants from a woman is responsiveness!!

[Cee Gee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a great read. Good to know about the taboo topic of sex from a Christian perspective. I love that he tries to normalize the discussion of sex and educate the audience about all areas of sex / intimacy. A good read for everyone especially engaged couples.

[Ash · Rating 5 out of 5]

I will be adding this to the list of resources for the couples that my husband and I counsel. This provides detailed biblical and practical examples and is well written

[Arianna Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful!!! Love That This is a religious Book!!!

[Joonas Laajanen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good.

[Dholtrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very clear Christian based information on sex and its real purpose.

[Wintermote · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really nothing new here compared to other books out there.

[B-right · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great and very well written. Insightful.

[Elisaveta Ilieva · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enlightening

[Janson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book to build an honourable and secure marriage. I think every couple should read it because of twisted we are educated about sex.

[Dale Critchley · Rating 5 out of 5]

After being married a couple decades, there really wasn't anything new in here for me, especially since I've read everything in here from other sources, but this book is an excellent summary of a lot of other marriage books. I highly recommend this book to engaged or newly married couples, or anyone who hasn't read a lot of books on marriage.

I will likely recommend this book when I do premarital work as a pastor, and I can see myself recommending it to couples who are struggling as well. There's something for everyone in here.

[RuthAnn · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this for research for a group I'm leading with my husband for newly married couples at church, and I wouldn't recommend it. The most helpful things to me might be the questions for discussion (painfully called "pillow talk"), but the content is largely too pat and male-centric for a general audience.

[Elizabeth Crenshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's more than just sex

Thought provoking, biblically based and easy to understand. Not a sex manual but instead a wonderful marriage manual. Required reading for newlyweds and old timers alike!

[Teefarrar · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book for all us married women out there who don't understand how our men tick. Quite insightful and written in the context of God's intentions for sex.

[Katie Casey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every Christian should read Gary Smalley. Every married Christian should read The Language of Sex.

[Alma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent Read!

[Allison R · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best marriage books I’ve read in a long time. So much practical advice for married couples. Great for those considering marriage, newly married or 20 years in!