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246 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2013



"And something small and insignificant inside me shatters, just like every night, and feelings hit too hard for me to stand. I bend at the waist and cling to the windowsill. I won't scream. I won't throw myself against the walls until the supports give and we fall into the ocean. I won't think about swimming as hard as I can.

"And he opens his mouth, and I'm ready for anger and spit and fire, but instead it's just the smallest voice in the world. "What did you call me?"

"I'm a shaky mess all the time.
My parents have no idea this is all my fault, that they should be tying me down and excising me or lancing me like a boil or shooting me full of poison, anything, and then taking my lungs and stuffing them down my brother's throat and watching him turn pink again."
"It doesn't matter what team I'm on, for a minute. For a minute it's just me and that smile."
"And the fucking ocean, the ocean is so quiet, because I guess the fucking ocean just doesn't know how to act appropriately for anything, goddamn it, the fucking ocean, I am so sick of the fucking ocean and I don't know what to do and I want to dive in and get clean and never have to come back out".

"A fish. A boy. The ugliest thing I have ever seen."Until Rudy opened his eyes and he wasn't. Not even a little bit. He was exactly what Rudy's lonely existence had so desperately needed.
"No getting on the rocks to flirt with human boys, idiot." He rolls his eyes. I want to smile.And I wanted to cry. (So I did.)
I say, “What are you?” too fast for my brain to figure out what a completely shitty thing that is to ask.
But Fishboy just smiles and says, “I’m their dirty secret.”

"They're my reason to be here. They're my battle, you know?" He looks at me with a little smile. "And it's not like they can do anything I can't handle. I always win. I'm the hero."
She grins. Her cheeks are getting all flushed. She gets more turned on when we talk about books than when we kiss. I shouldn't be okay with that. I'm beginning to think I'm using this girl as some kind of symbol and that's really not okay with me. I wish I were a different person. I kiss her like that will fix me.
When I was a kid, I always felt like I needed to keep her safe. She was made of marshmallows and candy canes and she knew twenty hundred lullabies.

No. He'll save me. It's his turn. He would never ever miss his turn. I'm smiling just thinking about it. I'm smiling...
And then Teeth screams really hideously, and Dylan has his face buried in my neck, and I start crying, so hard that I can't even believe it, and my fucking five-year-old brother is holding me and telling me don't cry, it's okay, it was just a dream, you're awake now.
And I can't stop crying for anything in the world right then. And I can't let go of him. Nothing could make me let go of that kid. The house could fall into the sea and crush everybody and we could go underwater and I would hold him the whole time.

"I'm so strong! Nobody hurts me. Nobody can hurt me. This is my game and I didn't do anything wrong and I'm just trying to help and it's not my fault, I didn't do anything, they hurt me, and I hate this."

“You're absolved," I tell him.
He brings his eyes back up to mine. There's no fucking way he knows what that word means. That's a word I dream someone will say to me.
So I put it in his language.
"You're free.”





"It’s not fair, you know?”
“I know.”
“You’ve saved me way more times than I’ve saved you.”
Oh. “You tend to get yourself in more shit than I do.”
“Not a good friendship.”
“Well. We’re not exactly friends.”

