When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart: Coping with Mental Illness, Substance Abuse, and the Problems That Tear Families Apart

by Joel L. Young, Christine A. Adamec

Urgently needed practical advice for parents of adult children whose mental health disorders, addictions, and/or violent tendencies continue to traumatize their family's lives.

Genres: Mental Health, Psychology, Nonfiction, Medical, Self Help, Audiobook

267 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2013

Reviews

[Patricia Baker]

I saw this book in the giveaway section for Goodreads, signed up for a copy, but did not win. Bought the book on my kindle and read it in two days.found the information to be most helpful for me. I wished I would have read it earlier this summer before the death of my 31 yrs old son. I might have helped me then to understand him better. Since his death, I have been conflicted with the underlying thought that I somehow caused his troubles, but now realize I did not. I also realize now that my surviving daughter has been somewhat neglected in the aftermath of his death. I would like to say that the general public needs to change their thinking about mental illness and substance abuse. Persons suffered from these problems should be treated like patients, not criminals. A lot of the out of control shooting in schools and other public places has its base in mental illness and substance abuse, not possessing of guns only. The book is very worthwhile reading even now after my adult child truly broke my heart. now am working on repair of my heart and life.

[Denise]

Painfully helpful book for hurting parents. I often didn't want to keep reading the book because it was so honest. Not unrealistically hopeful, which so many of these type of books are. Would definitely recommend for parents dealing with major issues with their adult children. Am going to buy a couple of copies so I can give to people who are in this situation.

[Cheri Meyer]

When Your Adult Child Breaks Your Heart is a title that says it all. If you are reading this then you have picked a wonderful support and guide. There is no sugar coating just good advise for parents with difficult adult children at every level. The best chapter is the last as it gives suggestions to the parent on how to take care of themselves. This is usually the most overlooked area for a parent with a difficult child of any age.

[Jean]

It is a must-read for parents who have serious problems with their adult children. It is a relief to know that you are not alone and you are only human to react the way you do. However, there are strategies, resources and limits to deal with this serious issue. Read on, it can be life saving to read this book.

[Rebecca Rosenberg]

This book was the most helpful,practical book for parents struggling with adult children, that I've read. Whether you are a writer doing research for a character, or a heartbroken parent, I highly recommend this book to gain insights.

[Suzanne]

Dealing with mental illness, substance abuse and other problems with your Adult Child. Very well written, easy to comprehend, offering beneficial information and advice.

[Sherilyn]

First, we find out (parent) we are not alone. Next, the book gives a wonderful overview of the types of issues the adult child may be dealing with and gives you (parent) a perspective of what can/cannot be done.

Unfortunately, the book did not cover the challenge of when grandchildren are a part of this mix.

But I am grateful for the perspective, calm and clarity it gave to me.

[Nicole]

A practical, thorough look at the issues parents of adult children with mental illness and/or substance abuse face. As a counselor, I will definitely recommend this book to my clients.

[Janine Brouillette]

What a wonderful book for parents. So many of us struggle with our children when they are young and even as adults. This book covers many topics for parents such as alcoholism, drug addiction, psychiatric problems, suicide, and criminal behavior. It also has great chapters on when adult children live with you and how to deal with your emotions. This book gives real scenarios from families, advice, and coping strategies. JoelYoung gives parents reassurance in the clear, well written book that helps all of us not to feel so alone.

[Paul Rosko]

I read this book because after 18 years of receiving extremely poor and ineffective mental health treatment and support from Dr. Young and his RCBM treatment center for my afflicted family members - I wanted to see what he would write so I wasted $20 on this book.
From 1994 when we started with Dr. Young and his team through the start of 2012 when I pulled the family out of RCBM this is what i learned.

1. Dr Young is usually 45 minutes to an hour late to every appointment he makes. I used to think this was most likely unavoidable due to the number of patients he had so i would book the first appointment of the day so "he would be on time" at the start of the day's sessions. I thought I could minimize the flack i would get from hauling my family members to see him. But he would deliberately come in 45 minutes to an hour late every day. I booked these daily appointments over and over - he was never close to being on time. My kids would be so upset at what they saw as total disrespect they disliked this man immensely. So i asked since i had the first appointment - since he was always late - if i could bring the kids in 30 minutes later since Young didn't even try to be on time so i could keep them calmer ( for me!!!) and they said no i have to be there on time. so we would sit 45 minutes.

2. Dr Young never showed any urgency in treating my family. It was always "my job" to get them sober and keep them sober while he played around with all sorts of ADHD medications on the kids and other medications on my wife. I also was responsible for all the other therapy appointments. It was my job also to take care of all the BS and trouble the kids got into and he insisted he couldn't treat my late son until i got him off and kept him 100% off street drugs. Then Young would make 1 medicinal appointment a month for him, ("the pills take time on the calendar to become effective you know") then make the kid wait almost an hour to see him because Dr. Young couldn't get his ass out of bed on time in the morning to see his patients.

3. in 2012 my oldest adult son refused to pay some of Dr. Young's bills due to a lack of medicinal relief. He was 32 at the time and said that until Dr. Young gave him something that helped him he wasn't paying for what he was getting which he felt was poke and hope medicine. So Dr. Young talked my also very impacted wife ( he treated her as well and knew she would say yes) into putting my sons account charges onto my personal credit card without my knowing about it so he could clear his accounts. I went to his office directly to confront him about this matter, he would not come out or see me. Instead Young had his office manager come out and try to push me out of the waiting room - That was the last time he got one cent of my money until i bought this book.

4. My youngest son died in 2017 at age 34 of a drug overdose. After being treated at RCBM from the middle of the 1990's through 2010 or so, he refused to see any therapists or psychiatrists again. He said they were condescending and rude to him - especially Dr. Young over the years so he wasn't having it. He said treating himself was the best option. For all that caring and all those years and all that money - guess how many RCBM professionals sent a card or an email, or showed up at his funeral? Zero. Not a word from any of them and they knew and treated this child since he was 11. His death was a mental health tragedy.

5. I am reading the book because I want to see how much of my family's story is in it. I will take legal action if there is one word in there about us that shows this asshole took license with my families long arduous and totally failed mental health history with him and his Lackeys and made yet another dollar off of it.

I was amazed to see the communicated level of concern and caring in the book's text. I can tell you that is all BS in my 18 years of RCBM and Dr Young experience. Dr. Young is 1000% about Dr. Young and his bank account. He and his team didn't have the skill to treat my family and failed miserably yet never told me to take my family to someone with a higher level of skill. Don't have any illusions about the book or any form of paid treatment with this guy - the caretaker carries the burden 100%. If you don't believe me try making an after hours call to him or to an MSW working in his clinic. They we refer you to emergency. You are on your own with these folks - better get more books.

6. I have been dealing with Mental Health Professionals for over 45 years. I understand the profession 100%. I have probably donated $400,000 to $500,000 towards MH treatment and still do today for my remaining family members. Based on the diagnosis's my other family members have received (from decent providers) I expect that I will outlive my other two family members - wife and remaining son - because of their incurable diagnosis'. I do my best to ease the pain of being them which is considerable. Medication to this day does little.

I read the book and laugh at what I read. This man is a joke.

[Mia]

Short and to the point, the authors are very direct about their premise: your adult child's behavior is not your fault, you cannot control it or fix it, and it's best to set protective limits in order to shield yourself from harm and then move on to focus on your own life.

Young and Adamec's book may be a good introduction for parents facing difficult decisions and damaged relationships due to the negative behaviors, mental health problems, or addictions of their adult children. The authors recognize that most parents will need more than their say-so in order to make changes and provide direction for sources parents can turn to for ongoing support with healthy limit-setting.

As a clinician working with many children and adolescents who will likely grow up to break their parents' hearts, I feel a little torn about the "it's not your fault" part of the authors' stance. In many of my client's cases, the responses parents (and others, such as schools) provide absolutely can impact the child's future behaviors. Holding children responsible for anti-social behavior rather than minimizing, excusing, or whitewashing it may be a determining factor in whether kids decide to rein it in and learn a better way to meet their needs.

At the same time I also see many very good parents whose children simply stray from the path and won't be reined in, and those parents do need to hear "it's not your fault". So, I appreciate that Young and Adamec cruise past questions of whose fault it all is and get down to the business of what to do about it.

[J]

I received this book free from the publisher when I was picked for the First Reads "Our Common Country".
There is definetly a need for a book of this type. The authors did a good job of keeping the concepts understandable for a general audience. Too often people think, what did the parents do to that person that he did those horrible things. This book answers that at times, it is beyond a parents control, even the best of parents.
I really like that the appendicies have lists of organizations and contacts that provide assistance and education.
This book is good not just for families dealing with the issues but for those of us wanting to understand and help.

[susan noiseux]

This book is filled with fantastic advice on how to cope with an adult child with mental illness. The chapters are clear, concise and filled with great coping skills to deal with the complicated issues you encounter with your adult child. The summaries of each chapter are insightful.

[Sharon Mangelinkx]

There are truly no answers for parents who are living this nightmare, but this book helps us feel less alone. The writer offers great advice and words of comfort to the reader. A must-read for those with severely troubled adult children.

[Sheryl]

lots of good (but sad) information. Very useful.

[Maria Watkins]

Excellent examples and description of mental health scenarios. Very helpful book for parents with troubled adult children.

[Jean Graham]

Although my wife and I have no children, there have been in both our families, and in those of many of our friends, a number of individuals suffering from some of the afflictions described in this book. We have witnessed (and have sometimes been very close to) the chaos and anguish that have followed them, and tried to help the grieving parents struggling to find a solution. More often than not, these efforts have not been successful, because the adult children were not willing to admit that they had a problem and were not willing to accept help; and there was sometimes denial (and enabling) on the part of the parents as well.

This book deals with these very situations, and many others, in a way that is comprehensive, compassionate, and sympathetic, yet realistic in its assessments of likely success. Many actual scenarios are provided as examples (names changed). What stands out most prominently is the conclusion that, ultimately, adult children have to make their own decisions, lead their own lives, and formulate their own value systems. Their parents can influence, but not control, these processes; and it is the children who must take responsibility for their own decisions—good or bad. Parents must look out for their own well-being as well, even if it means ceasing to have contact with the child, and can be free from the burden of guilt, inadequacy, and “what-if-we-had-done-it-differently” second guessing caused by whatever decision they have had to make.

Highly recommended for both anguished parents and others trying to help both them—and their children.

**** review by Chuck Graham ****

[Heather Terrill Stotts]

This book met me in one of the most painful chapters of my life…as a parent of an adult child struggling with mental illness. This book doesn’t offer false hope or quick fixes. Instead, it offers something much more valuable: clarity, compassion, and validation.

Dr. Young’s words helped me understand that love and boundaries can coexist. I didn’t need to give up on my child, but I did need to stop losing myself in their chaos. The book gave me permission to step back emotionally, not out of coldness, but out of necessity. It reminded me that saving myself wasn’t the same as abandoning them.

I’ve since recommended this book to other parents I know who are quietly carrying impossible loads. It doesn’t minimize the grief or guilt…it honors it. And somehow, that makes it easier to keep going. I’m so grateful this book exists.

[Carolyn Virginia]

This book saved my life! I borrowed from library; then bought my own copy for Karen to read. I took copious notes and have referred back to them already.

[Wendy]

Resourceful book about a taboo subject that is more common than people like to admit. This book provides helpful guidance for parents coping with the poor decision-making of adult children -- particularly
poor decisions influenced by their children's mental illness, personality disorders, and/or chemical dependency.

[watermelonreads]

A must-read book for struggling parents or caregivers. This no-nonsense and practical guide is not your regular self-help book. It did not seek to appease the tough events some of them have been through. Rather, they are words of advice that nudge you to think of things in another perspective. Highly recommend!

[Christa]

Excellent book. It's very insightful and addresses many issues others won't with suggestions that seem to work well. Life changing book. Definitely a must read. Thanks for giving me a copy!This one I will be reading again!

[Carol]

too general

[Sarah]

This book is clear and poignant. It explains mental health challenges and addiction in simple, easy to understand language. The anecdotes are used well.

[Waasmowin-Mnidoo]

Good insight and helpful information.

[Judith Rozarie]

Helpful information for those undergoing these concerns. There is little available to guide parents, who are often dealing with this issue and elderly parents as well. This provided some valuable guidance. While it shouldn't be taken as the be-all and end-all, as each situation has its own challenges, it validated some basic ways to handle situations that arise. We don't all have perfect families, and most of us, as parents, did the best we knew how, and continue to do so. Even so, so much is not in our control. Helps to know we are not alone.

[Heidi]

There are so few books out there on this topic so I gave this book 1 star for just existing. Its a great support for so many who have to endure the stress and heartbreak watching their adult children deal with either a mental health issue, addiction issue, or disability. Its also a great resource for those who work as clinicians trying to help these families. I hope to see more books on this topic in the future.

[Alicia Kangris]

This book helped me feel like we were not alone when my daughter went themrough manic psychosis. There are other issues addressed too. Really helps you get to an understanding of boundaries and not blaming yourself.

[Julie Cox]

Brilliant and useful book offering great advice if you have an adult child with a mental health problem. Highly recommend.

[Renee Gearhart levy]

Painfully honest and extremely helpful.