A Lifelong Love: What If Marriage Is about More Than Just Staying Together?

by Gary L. Thomas, Arthur Morey (Narrator)

Gary Thomas believes couples often settle for too little when it comes to marriage. We fail to understand how deeply God cares about our spouse. We diminish our need to not only understand what biblical love really is, but also to become a people who excel at it. We let ourselves drift apart instead of making the daily choices to grow closer together.

Whether your marriage needs a complete makeover, a touch up, or just a new purpose,A Lifelong Love promises to set your relationship on an entirely new dimension. You will never look at worship or your spouse in the same way again. You will understand how living for that day will so radically transform the decisions you make this day. And Gary will guide you through the power shifts and seasonal mine fields that blow up so many marriages so that you can grow in your love instead of in your disappointment.

Thirty years of study and two decades of working with couples has led Gary Thomas to his most significant book yet on the relationship between husband and wife. Find out for yourself what all the fuss is about—and why A Lifelong Love is sure to challenge the way the church talks about marriage.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Relationships, Religion, Faith

Audiobook

First published October 1, 2014

About the author

Gary Thomas is a bestselling author and international speaker whose ministry brings people closer to Christ and closer to others. He unites the study of Scripture, church history, and the Christian classics to foster spiritual growth and deeper relationships within the Christian community.

Gary is the author of 20 books, including "Sacred Marriage" and "Cherish", that together have sold over two million copies, have been translated into more than a dozen languages, and won numerous awards . His writings have established him as a thought-leader in the areas of marriage, parenting, and spiritual formation.

Gary holds a B.A. in English Literature from Western Washington University, an MA degree in systematic theology from Regent College (Vancouver, BC), and an honorary Doctor of Divinity degree from Western Seminary (Portland, OR).

He serves on the teaching team (and as Writer in Residence) at Second Baptist Church, Houston—a congregation with six campuses and 70,000 members—and is an adjunct faculty member at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston Texas.

Gary’s speaking ministry has led him to speak in 49 states and nine different countries, and on numerous national television and radio programs, including multiple appearances on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today. Gary’s interviews on Focus on the Family have been chosen among the “Best of 2013,” “Best of 2014” and “Best of 2017.” Gary is a lifelong advocate of using the Christian classics to bring people closer to Christ.

Gary enjoys running in his spare time and has completed 14 marathons, including the Boston Marathon three times. He and his wife Lisa have been married for 35 years and they have three adult children and the smartest, cutest, most adorable granddaughter on the planet.

Gary Thomas – Bringing people closer to Christ and closer to others.

Reviews

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wish I had come across this much sooner in my marriage. This has been a life-changing read.

[Brandi (Rambles of a SAHM) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent follow-up to 'Sacred Marriage'. The concept on seeing your spouse as God sees them (His son or daughter) is eye-opening. The thought that God is in essence also my Father-in-law and is just as protective of my spouse as I am of my children is one that will stick with me for quite some time. I would recommend this book to those that have been married for a few years and looking for a tune-up in their relationship.

[Amy Meyers · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite helpful and inspiring in its emphasis on selfless Christlikeness. One of the best books on marriage I’ve read.

[Cassie Trapp · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! I've read alot of marriage books, but this one may be at the top of my list now. I sobbed many times reading this due to conviction over how I've made marriage about "my needs" instead of about doing whatever I can to love my husband well. I also sobbed over the hope and delight that comes along with doing marriage Gods way instead of your own. This came at such a timely point in our marriage, while having 3 young children and all the newness and excitement of our first years being together wearing off. After reading this and being challenged to love my husband well and die to myself, I really believe that the best is yet to come now. It is difficult to read this without feeling both repentant over your own sin, and also so thankful over the hope that true Gospel love can change your marriage into an infinitely better one than any worldly "romantic" book, show, movie, etc can offer. I am so encouraged to make marriage about Jesus and about loving my husband well, and no longer feel in bondage to this helpless, ever-dissapointing pursuit of making it all about me.

Ps, I after reading the parts addressed specifically to husbands, I also cried realizing that my husband already lives out this Gospel centered, sacrificial love towards me every day. I hope I can one day love him as well as he has loved me.

[Erin Henry · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm having trouble rating this book. On the one hand it's very inspiring and has a great message of selfless, Christ-like love. But on the other hand it's incredibly idealistic and had mixed messages. He alternates between love sacrificially and your marriage will be wonderful or it may still be miserable but at least you will be rewarded in heaven. It's like after Sacred Marriage he is still looking for the magic carrot to keep people striving on their marriages. If holiness isn't enough then maybe the promise of heavenly reward will be.
His chapter on sex was really lacking. He says feelings aren't important to marriage only your actions of love are. Except when it comes to sex when the husband's desire will drive him to his wife. But he doesn't address what a wife is supposed to do about a lack of desire and feelings when it comes to sex. I can't imagine it's easy to have sex with someone you don't like.
I guess by the end I felt somewhat inspired but more overwhelmed. I think this book should always be read along with Boundaries in Marriage to keep anyone from switching from selfless love to enabling or co-dependancy.

[Miriam · Rating 5 out of 5]

The most helpful book on marriage I have read (actually I listened to this one as an audio book). It is not aimed at newly weds (see his other book Sacred Marriage) but those who have been married a few, or many, years, and know the reality of some of the struggles. It is biblical, practical, filled me with hope and left me with a beautiful vision of what a God pleasing, truly loving marriage could look like.

[Lisa · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is full of contradictions. The author says do XYZ and you'll have a happy marriage. But wait, you might do XYZ and still be miserable in your marriage but that's okay because God doesn't promise you happiness. Only men really want sex (big fat lie). The author also goes on strange paths about power shifting back and forth between husband and wife and basically states that when the husband isn't getting what he wants, that's the wife having power. A very bizarre perspective to say the least. The book could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. When read with objectivity, it's non-stop waffling and leaves the reader with almost nothing to work with.

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Like many marriage/Christian living books, the first section where Gary develops his Biblical argument was quite underwhelming (though I was listening, rather than reading to the book, so I may have missed some of the finer points).

However, once he got to the 'godly, practical wisdom' bit, it was chock-a-block full of gold. He did a great job of expounding what other-person centredness love looks like in marriage, rebuking my selfishness, and inspiring me to be more loving. For this section it's 10/10.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another good one bye Thomas, stressing that unity is found in a common pursuit of God. in the later chapters, there is lots of very helpful and practical advice as well.

[Cristina]

BUENAZO.

[Iain Hamill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Received this as a free audiobook from Christian Audio not really knowing what to expect. Found it to be a very helpful, practically minded book on marriage, focused on the Biblical perseverance and endurance required once the wedding day excitement is over.

Lots of good examples and challenging questions. We’ve now bought the book to more fully work through the questions and have something physical to return to.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received this audiobook for free, having never heard of the author. I’m so thankful I decided to listen to it! I just wish I had a paper copy for underlines and notes. Sometime I will listen again and pray through the questions at the end of each chapter. This book filled me with thanksgiving for my husband and love for my God.

A key thought: I am not just God's child, I am His daughter-in-law. How should my love and reverence for the Father impact how I think of and treat His son whom I get to call husband?

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW!! Absolutely one of the BEST books on marriage I've read. Really spoke to me and prompted me to change my behavior as wife.

[Frank Theising · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. My wife and I have made it a practice to both read one marriage book a year. It always serves as a great reminder of why we are in this together, what we can do to better love one another, and avoid growing complacent in our relationship. A Lifelong Love was our selection for 2019.

This book starts out laying a philosophical foundation, before getting into the practical advice for keeping your marriage strong. The main line of reasoning parallels the teaching of Christ in Matthew 6:33: “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” In other words, you must have the right priority, attitude, and willingness to serve without it being reciprocated before you get into trying to follow any sort of list of marriage Dos and Don’ts. More often than not, this attitude will change your spouse for the better too but he argues that even if your spouse never reciprocates, it is good for your soul to have that type of spirit of gratitude and service.

What follows are some notes on the book:

In Christian circles we do a disservice by trying to fix marriages without first proclaiming the necessity of a glorious obsession with Christ. That is the foundation upon which everything else good is built. Everything else is just a substandard life not set on the highest of callings available to us.

So many couples start out so strong and finish so poorly for lack of spiritual vitality. A shared sense of purpose, of mission gives vitality to a marriage (jointly leading youth ministry being the example he provided…it sounds terrifying, draining, but you grow together through it). When we focus internally on our own needs, marriages tend to stagnate but when we serve others side-by-side two become one.

We’re familiar with thinking of God as our heavenly Father. Gary Thomas proposes we now take that concept and flip it so that we also think of God as our father-in-law. You love your children and seek the best for them in life and their choice of partner. God wishes the same for your spouse. My wife will always be God’s little girl of whom he is very protective. This should influence how we treat our spouses.

What if you are trapped in an unequal marriage? Gary Thomas argues that you should stick it out because there is still reward in the life to come. Even if your spouse doesn’t respond, you will grow in godliness so your efforts in an unequal marriage are not wasted. Challenges, thorns, and other frustrations in your marriage are simply an opportunity to rely on the Holy Spirit and grow in your dependence on God (He has a lengthy caveat at the end of the book to clarify that nobody should stay in an abusive relationship).

Do your duty, even if your partner is not doing theirs. Loving your spouse because you love the Lord changes the focus away from inconsistent feelings and gives you a better motivation.

Power will shift between husband and wife over the course of your marriage. It is helpful to be aware of these shifts and continue to build intimacy with your partner. These can occur during honeymoon, birth of a child, retirement, moving into an empty nest situation, etc. If the majority of your day is spent at work, or rearing children, and those things are suddenly complete, you will need to come to a new equilibrium with your partner.

People want a glorious marriage in the abstract, but don’t want the burden that comes with building one. So many married couples still view stuff as theirs alone (ex: separate checking accounts for his/her money). The more of your life that you live apart the farther your relationship will drift apart. If your wife has a problem it should become your problem.

In John 17:21-23, Jesus prays that we would become one “And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one.” The bible speaks of marriage as two people becoming one. Marriage is like a mini-church. A trial run of what it’s like to live in unity with God.

Desire and love are not the same. When most people speak of love today they really mean desire. They are in the relationship because they want something in the same way a toddler wants candy. Love is a deeper state, beyond feelings and thoughts of “what’s in it for me.”

Sex is a barometer for the health of the relationship. Once a month is essentially a sex-less marriage. If you are not making love regularly, it is a sign that there are problems in the relationship.

Doing small things consistently is infinitely more valuable than a one-time big act of generosity.

On a date night, write out and share “your five” things that your spouse does that really makes you feel loved and share them with each other.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a pastor I ask couples preparing for marriage how long they plan to be married. The usual answer is “forever” and I need to remind them that is not their vow. After thinking about it a moment one of them usually says “until death” and it gives them something to think about. The other side of it is that no one ever tells me “X years” or I wouldn’t do the wedding. We plan to be in love for the rest of our lives.

That often is a far greater challenge then we ever thought possible. Life is full of changes and that usually means there needs to be adjustments to our lives, including our marriage. Some of those changes we anticipate and even like, children, job changes, new homes and the like are things we look forward to but don’t think about how they will change our relationship with our spouse. Then there are the things we can’t plan for, illness, accidents, job loss and sometimes even a death.
If we want to be in love with our spouse for a life-time it takes being willing to love them through these changes. Thomas does a great job of not only presenting some of these challenges but how we need to decide we are going to love someone through the ups and downs of life. He does a wonderful job of explaining that love and desire are two different things and while desire is a feeling, love is an action and a choice.

Thomas ask the question in an earlier book, “What if marriage isn’t to make you happy, but to make you holy?” and revisits that question here. A part of this is thinking about how often we expect happiness that can only come from God to be provided by our spouse. Our love for our spouse will be a reflection of our love relationship with God.

The best way to think about love is in serving our spouse and putting their needs and often their desires ahead of our own. When two people decide they are going to serve one another and put the other first amazing things can happen in that relationship.

He argues that a defeatist attitude kills as many marriage as affairs do because we get frustrated by an area of our marriage and live by are past experiences and give up rather than trusting the truth of God’s word.

In a deepening marriage relationship true intimacy is created and provides what is necessary to hold the relationship together. The challenge is not to fall into what he calls artificial intimacy.

Relationships are started with infatuation and often with this false intimacy based on desire. The difficulty arises when the infatuation fades and reality of life sets in. Desire can fade because it is a feeling, true love is a decision and an action we choose to do or not. This often happens because we present one front when we are dating then another after we are married so the foundation is weakened.

Using stories from his own marriage and many others there are great illustrations throughout the book to help you understand his points and apply what you are learning to your marriage. You are likely to be challenged in your thinking and especially that rebuilding an intimate marriage will always start with you working on you.

If you are interested in having a marriage that is more than staying together and being all it can be this book is worth the read.

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are aspects of this book that I really appreciated.. I'm a big fan of the focus being on what *I* could do to improve my marriage. I did walk away with several ideas and challenges for practical things I can do to make my marriage healthier.

I did find some of the book contradictory or even alarming. Namely the chapter about sex... Most of the book is very clear that even if your spouse is not being a very good spouse, you can still love them because Christ loved us. In the chapter about sex, though, he suggests that if a man misses his "window" for sex, it's alarmingly difficult to abstain from looking at other women. Vice versa, if a woman is drawn to books like 50 Shades of Grey then it's because her husband isn't satisfying her sexually. I'm unsure why this aspect is different from every other aspect of marriage he addresses where the overarching message is, if your spouse isn't "meeting your needs" you can still choose to do the right thing because of the transforming power of Christ in your life.

I don't know.. I could write out all the things I felt were hits and misses but this review would be way too long. I have to give it 3 stars, though it's probably worthy of 5 in some parts of the book.

[Kacie Woodmansee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't actually read Sacred Marriage, but I still really enjoyed this book. It challenged me in so many ways. I have a very good marriage, but it doesn't always seem that way in the day-to-day struggles of life. It was a good reminder of what makes a "good" marriage and our responsibility to work towards that. It's not about what the other person is or isn't doing, but about what you bring to the marriage. I also really enjoyed/felt convicted by the reminder to keep Christ at the center of my marriage. I know this on a theoretical level, but what does this look like practically. I think Gary Thomas addressed many concerns people would have (and apparently problems they had with the first book). I'm definitely looking forward to seeing my marriage grow from what I read.

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

I told my wife that I finished this book, and she asked me what it was about, and just hours after to finishing it, I couldn't quite remember. It isn't that the book is bad, because I really enjoyed it, but it just doesn't seem to have a central thesis that I could easily tell her about. Instead, I let her know that it had various tips for loving your spouse well.

A friend recently told me that I should stop reading marriage books because I've read so many that there probably isn't much more for me to take in about the subject. I disagree because I don't remember everything that I read in every single book, so I think hearing similar material multiple times helps to internalize the information, and hopefully will lead to me becoming a better and better husband.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an inspiring, beautiful, and challenging picture of marriage! The constant emphasis is on Christ and glorifying Him, not myself and my wants/needs. I can't think of a better way to live my life and marriage. And I really appreciated the idea of God as Father-in-law who loves & cares my spouse just as much as He loves me. Finally, I commend the author's appendix and notes throughout the book that condemn martial abuse and the idea of valuing the marriage over the people in the marriage; that's a far too common attitude among Christians, and it's sad that the author had to explicitly note that abuse is wrong.

[Tim Counts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book, really builds on the solid foundation of Thomas’ Sacred Marriage & shows how those biblical ideas play out practically. I found A Lifelong Love extremely helpful in counseling/helping empty nest couples but the biblical principles will help all married couples including my own marriage. Best used if a couple can listen/read it at the same time & discuss it (whether together or reading independently & coming together later to discuss it). I listened to the audiobook version while commuting & found so many “gold nuggets.”

[Shawna Gonzales · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned a lot about the way God designed marriage through this book. Reading marriage books as a single woman that grew up in a divorced parents home has been healing. I feel encouraged through Gary’s book that God’s design for marriage is good. Gary talks a lot about the important of serving your spouse. I’ve heard this before but the stories and heart in the way that he shares that throughout the book is encouraging. I would read this again and recommend it to friends. Very practical and easy to understand. The questions at the end of the chapters are great for couples to discuss.

[Debby · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a great book! Thank you, Gary Thomas! What a gift! This book is great for anyone in marriage - either reading as a couple (best) or reading as half of a couple. The tools are excellent and the scripture that leads one into becoming a better spouse are amazing. I will be re-reading this from time to time so that I can keep "upping" my game and serving my spouse in the best ways possible. Wonderful!!

[Kelsey Mckenzie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like this author, but felt his books , Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting, we’re stronger than this book. My husband and I read it together and while it did give us a lot to talk about, we felt it was a bit repetitive and that it could have been shorter. I am walking away from the book feeling challenged as a wife and I appreciate the book for that. I would recommend his other books over this one.

[Maribeth Van loon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gary Thomas is a favorite author of mine and the reason I joined a group studying this book together. I was not disappointed. This is not a "how to have a better marriage" book so much as a renewed look at the purpose of marriage, an extension of his earlier work, Sacred Marriage. That is not to say it wasn't practical on many levels, refining my vision and helping me understand and recommit to my mate. Highly recommended to read at any stage of marriage!

[Clare S-B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not being married the book was not relevant yet but most definitely had a lot of good points. My only problem being that the audio version kept sending me to sleep so it was hard to read it that way and I usually love audiobooks. Otherwise though it was full of what sounded like insiteful points and tips about marriage and really loving the other person and really living with them in the most God honouring and selfless way.

[N. · Rating 4 out of 5]

I completed the audiobook version, and frankly, I only really paid attention to the last few chapters, so I’m really reviewing those.

I really appreciated the chapters on the difference between love and desire, and the beauty of the two coming together in a healthy marriage. I think these parts of the book, at least, paint a lovely picture of flourishing longevity.

Perhaps I’ll revisit the book again more attentively when I’m married myself.

[Justin Ruszkiewicz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is likely my favorite Gary Thomas book and by far one of the best books I’ve read this year. Thomas picks up where he left off in Sacred Marriage, but this book doesn’t feel like a “Sacred Marriage 2.” Yes, it’s the sequel in one sense, but the book has its own unique qualities and points of focus that I think are awesome.

Sacred Marriage and Lifelong Love are two extremely important—and beneficial—books to read for engaged and married couples through all stages of life.

[Brenda · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times this book seemed a little too "pie-in-the-sky," and at other times the author seemed to make "too little" of God. Still, there was definitely a lot of food for thought in this book. What if both partners really were selfless in a marriage relationship? I would recommend it for marriages that are solid but maybe a little stale. I don't think it could do much for a one-sided or dead marriage.

[Tola · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book that really taught me to see marriage through God's eyes.
Imagining that God is your father-in-law, changes the whole view about serving my spouse.
I really want my father-in-law to be happy with the way I am treating His daughter - no matter what the daughter does.
Marriage With A View On Eternity

[Josh · Rating 5 out of 5]

What’s my favorite book on Christian marriage? Whatever Gary Thomas’s latest one is. Each one is better than the last. Each chapter in this one is powerful, practical, and accessible (and brief). It is clear that Gary writes about is the overflow of what God is teaching him in and through his own marriage...and it’s all important for all of us.