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God and Jetfire: Confessions of a Birth Mother
A searching, eloquent memoir about the joys and hardships of open adoption
God and Jetfire is a mother's account of her decision to surrender her son in an open adoption and of their relationship over the twelve years that follow. Facing an unplanned pregnancy at twenty-two, Amy Seek and her ex-boyfriend begin an exhaustive search for a family to raise their child. They sift through hundreds of "Dear Birth Mother" letters, craft an extensive questionnaire, and interview numerous potential couples. Despite the immutability of the surrender, it does little to diminish Seek's newfound feelings of motherhood. Once an ambitious architecture student, she struggles to reconcile her sadness with the hope that she's done the best for her son, a struggle complicated by her continued, active presence in his life.
For decades, closed adoptions were commonplace. Now, new laws are guaranteeing adoptees' access to birth records, and open adoption is on the rise. God and Jetfire is the rare memoir that explores the intricate dynamics and exceptional commitment of an open-adoption relationship from the perspective of a birth mother searching for her place within it.
Written with literary poise and distinction, God and Jetfire is a story of a life divided between grief and gratitude, regret and joy. It is an elegy for a lost motherhood, a celebration of a family gained, and an apology to a beloved son.
God and Jetfire is a mother's account of her decision to surrender her son in an open adoption and of their relationship over the twelve years that follow. Facing an unplanned pregnancy at twenty-two, Amy Seek and her ex-boyfriend begin an exhaustive search for a family to raise their child. They sift through hundreds of "Dear Birth Mother" letters, craft an extensive questionnaire, and interview numerous potential couples. Despite the immutability of the surrender, it does little to diminish Seek's newfound feelings of motherhood. Once an ambitious architecture student, she struggles to reconcile her sadness with the hope that she's done the best for her son, a struggle complicated by her continued, active presence in his life.
For decades, closed adoptions were commonplace. Now, new laws are guaranteeing adoptees' access to birth records, and open adoption is on the rise. God and Jetfire is the rare memoir that explores the intricate dynamics and exceptional commitment of an open-adoption relationship from the perspective of a birth mother searching for her place within it.
Written with literary poise and distinction, God and Jetfire is a story of a life divided between grief and gratitude, regret and joy. It is an elegy for a lost motherhood, a celebration of a family gained, and an apology to a beloved son.
352 pages, Hardcover
First published July 14, 2015
18 people are currently reading
774 people want to read
About the author
Amy Seek
2 books12 followersAmy Seek is a landscape architect. She lives and works in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 52 reviews
August 6, 2015
I am a birthmother in an open adoption. This is the book I have wanted to write. Although there are many differences in our stories, there are so many aspects of being a birthmother that she captures so well. As a bonus, it is beautifully written.
I hope every single person in my life reads this book. I hope every adoptive parent reads this book. I hope every adopted person reads this book. Thank you, Amy Seek.
Someone who I used to be close to gave this book one-star. I was surprised because she was deeply connected to me and my daughter and my daughter's family. I wonder if people don't want to hear our story. For someone connected to a birthmother, I would think that this book would produce some empathy. I wonder if our side is just too hard to hear.
I hope every single person in my life reads this book. I hope every adoptive parent reads this book. I hope every adopted person reads this book. Thank you, Amy Seek.
Someone who I used to be close to gave this book one-star. I was surprised because she was deeply connected to me and my daughter and my daughter's family. I wonder if people don't want to hear our story. For someone connected to a birthmother, I would think that this book would produce some empathy. I wonder if our side is just too hard to hear.
October 27, 2016
Remember, everybody, you can find a book disappointing without it being a secret slight on the topic. You're not two-starring open adoption, you're two-starring a book ABOUT open adoption which doesn't happen to be a great book.
I found God and Jetfire to be bogged down. By excess detail, by off-topic musing, by the gargantuan effort made to make this book resonate. No matter how many books I read, I'll always say--good writing should (must?) be effortless. Effortless to read, effortless to write. There were too many passages in God and Jetfire where you could almost watch the author trying to heap on the gravitas, the poetic side-trips, the truth. The overly weighty passage on labor and delivery, crammed full of "poetic prose", springs immediately to mind. In that section especially I found myself rolling my eyes, wishing she'd stop trying to inflate her writing and just talk. Seek shone most in those passages where she dropped all that "won't people think my words are beautiful" effort and spoke in simple language about helplessness, or regret.
I'm not entirely sure Seek knew what story she'd be telling when she set out to write this book. Less than halfway through, her son has been born and adopted, and that's about where the book's momentum hit a brick wall. Rest assured, the snapshots we see of Jonathan's life and Amy's place in it are appreciated and relevant, but I found myself struggling to find them in the dense second half. It became a relentless steam train--no high and low, no ebb and flow, only a neverending parade of words.
And though I made/make an effort to cast aside my personal impressions of a memoirist, it was confusing to watch Seek contradict herself. It was hard to accept the narration as reliable, and although I respect the changing and self-contradictory nature of emotions, I'm just not sure whether she was attempting to influence my impressions. Probably because the writing frequently felt so doctored.
At the end of all the meandering, I was left with a few distinct moments of aching empathy (for the adoptive parents every bit as much as for the birth parents) but mostly wished that the editors had been a little more liberal with the red pen. Tightening up the narrative would've gone a long way for God and Jetfire.
And again, just because someone didn't like this book doesn't mean they're passing summary judgment on open adoption or the validity/importance of the birth mother's story.
I found God and Jetfire to be bogged down. By excess detail, by off-topic musing, by the gargantuan effort made to make this book resonate. No matter how many books I read, I'll always say--good writing should (must?) be effortless. Effortless to read, effortless to write. There were too many passages in God and Jetfire where you could almost watch the author trying to heap on the gravitas, the poetic side-trips, the truth. The overly weighty passage on labor and delivery, crammed full of "poetic prose", springs immediately to mind. In that section especially I found myself rolling my eyes, wishing she'd stop trying to inflate her writing and just talk. Seek shone most in those passages where she dropped all that "won't people think my words are beautiful" effort and spoke in simple language about helplessness, or regret.
I'm not entirely sure Seek knew what story she'd be telling when she set out to write this book. Less than halfway through, her son has been born and adopted, and that's about where the book's momentum hit a brick wall. Rest assured, the snapshots we see of Jonathan's life and Amy's place in it are appreciated and relevant, but I found myself struggling to find them in the dense second half. It became a relentless steam train--no high and low, no ebb and flow, only a neverending parade of words.
And though I made/make an effort to cast aside my personal impressions of a memoirist, it was confusing to watch Seek contradict herself. It was hard to accept the narration as reliable, and although I respect the changing and self-contradictory nature of emotions, I'm just not sure whether she was attempting to influence my impressions. Probably because the writing frequently felt so doctored.
At the end of all the meandering, I was left with a few distinct moments of aching empathy (for the adoptive parents every bit as much as for the birth parents) but mostly wished that the editors had been a little more liberal with the red pen. Tightening up the narrative would've gone a long way for God and Jetfire.
And again, just because someone didn't like this book doesn't mean they're passing summary judgment on open adoption or the validity/importance of the birth mother's story.
October 18, 2015
As an adoptive mother in an open adoption the thing that has been the hardest for me to come to terms with was that my overwhelming joy came at a tremendous cost to someone I came to love as a sister. I wrestle with worry that the pictures, stories and memories I share will open deep wounds for her, while at the same time I want her to be a never ending presence in my son's life.
This book was exhausting. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that my own joy/grief/anger/love/fear/insecurity were so present as I read these pages that sometimes it felt like I would suffocate. The writing is wonderful but sometimes I needed air and space to continue reading. The story is complex, tangled, ugly and beautiful all at the same time.
This is not a beach read or brain candy. It's deep and emotional.
This book was exhausting. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that my own joy/grief/anger/love/fear/insecurity were so present as I read these pages that sometimes it felt like I would suffocate. The writing is wonderful but sometimes I needed air and space to continue reading. The story is complex, tangled, ugly and beautiful all at the same time.
This is not a beach read or brain candy. It's deep and emotional.
May 1, 2017
This book was different than I expected -- I thought I'd be reading of a tragedy involving a woman who genuinely did not have the ability or resources to care for her child, so she places the child for adoption, and loses her relationship with the child. Instead, this is a tragedy of a different sort -- a tragedy of regret for a decision made. This author could have kept her child, relatively easily, as she was already 22 years old, and had a supportive family. She could have married the child's father, or she could have not married the child's father, yet continued to have a relationship with him, as he was willing to be an involved parent. That she didn't do these things led to some of my frustrations, although they were frustrations with her choices, rather than frustrations with the book itself, which is a very important addition to all the adoption literature that's out there.
I have read quite a bit about adoption, and I adopted one of my children. So many narratives focus on the adoptive parents, and occasionally focus on adoptees, but it is rare to see a memoir of someone who relinquished a child. (And the few that do exist tend to be horrific accounts from the 50s and 60s.) I was therefore interested to read a contemporary account of an open adoption.
I'm hesitant to criticize too much, because this is such an important viewpoint, and this is, after all, her own story, but I had several problems with the book. It often meanders and waxes philosophical and employs flowery language that doesn't add to the story. It also has odd timing, and I had trouble, especially after the birth of the baby, keeping track of the timeline. (And also of the various boyfriends that enter and leave her life.)
I had a hard time empathizing with some parts of her story, because so many of the sad situations are self created. I couldn't really understand why she broke up with the baby's father, refusing to consider parenting with him or marrying him. And I couldn't understand her puzzlement or sadness as far as her reactions to the birthfather/boyfriend's very understandable and expected reactions to her rejection of him. I also couldn't entirely understand her determination to relinquish, even as she had second thoughts. She actually reminds me of some people I've encountered who simply always must create chaos and instability in their lives -- they always have to have plates spinning, and if things start to become too stable, they throw another boulder into the pool. I could hardly keep track of her constant moving, from city to city, sometimes even out of the country and the attendant rupturing of any and all relationships she formed while living in these various cities.
It seems like she really should have married the baby's father and had a life with the baby and with him, although I expect that had she done so, she'd still be unhappy, probably feeling too tied down and longing for some kind of elusive adventure. But at least then she would have had her son, so all of the sadness related to relinquishing him wouldn't be there.
I couldn't help but continually think that the adoptive family she chose for her son was too perfect. (So I wonder how accurate this is -- the family almost seem like saints, although maybe the author can't take even the slightest risk that the family would cut her out of their lives.) This seems like the ideal open adoption, and, I would suspect that given the opportunity, the adoptive mother would shout from the rooftops that theirs' was a perfect example of how wonderful adoption is, and how this birth mother is really involved and happy, and in a good place regarding the adoption. It seems like, if even in this very best case scenario, the birthmother is still reeling from grief a dozen years later, adoption should virtually never be a consideration. (And really, it should happen less often than it does.) While there are and will always be women who truly are not in a position to parent a child, for various reasons, that number will always be far fewer than the number of people who want to adopt.
A lot of people like to conflate abortion and adoption, which are two very different issues. This really shows the difficulty of relinquishing a child, and illustrates the utter ridiculousness of the phrases "just adopt" and "just place the child for adoption." This is all the more highlighted by the author's subsequent choice to have an abortion when faced with another pregnancy, and that it is far more likely a woman will suffer lifelong regret for placing a child, than from having an abortion.
Ordinarily, I'd give this 3 stars, for the sometimes difficult to follow timeline, and some of the ruminations that didn't really have anything to do with anything, but I'm adding an extra star because it is such an important addition to all of the writings out there about adoption.
I have read quite a bit about adoption, and I adopted one of my children. So many narratives focus on the adoptive parents, and occasionally focus on adoptees, but it is rare to see a memoir of someone who relinquished a child. (And the few that do exist tend to be horrific accounts from the 50s and 60s.) I was therefore interested to read a contemporary account of an open adoption.
I'm hesitant to criticize too much, because this is such an important viewpoint, and this is, after all, her own story, but I had several problems with the book. It often meanders and waxes philosophical and employs flowery language that doesn't add to the story. It also has odd timing, and I had trouble, especially after the birth of the baby, keeping track of the timeline. (And also of the various boyfriends that enter and leave her life.)
I had a hard time empathizing with some parts of her story, because so many of the sad situations are self created. I couldn't really understand why she broke up with the baby's father, refusing to consider parenting with him or marrying him. And I couldn't understand her puzzlement or sadness as far as her reactions to the birthfather/boyfriend's very understandable and expected reactions to her rejection of him. I also couldn't entirely understand her determination to relinquish, even as she had second thoughts. She actually reminds me of some people I've encountered who simply always must create chaos and instability in their lives -- they always have to have plates spinning, and if things start to become too stable, they throw another boulder into the pool. I could hardly keep track of her constant moving, from city to city, sometimes even out of the country and the attendant rupturing of any and all relationships she formed while living in these various cities.
It seems like she really should have married the baby's father and had a life with the baby and with him, although I expect that had she done so, she'd still be unhappy, probably feeling too tied down and longing for some kind of elusive adventure. But at least then she would have had her son, so all of the sadness related to relinquishing him wouldn't be there.
I couldn't help but continually think that the adoptive family she chose for her son was too perfect. (So I wonder how accurate this is -- the family almost seem like saints, although maybe the author can't take even the slightest risk that the family would cut her out of their lives.) This seems like the ideal open adoption, and, I would suspect that given the opportunity, the adoptive mother would shout from the rooftops that theirs' was a perfect example of how wonderful adoption is, and how this birth mother is really involved and happy, and in a good place regarding the adoption. It seems like, if even in this very best case scenario, the birthmother is still reeling from grief a dozen years later, adoption should virtually never be a consideration. (And really, it should happen less often than it does.) While there are and will always be women who truly are not in a position to parent a child, for various reasons, that number will always be far fewer than the number of people who want to adopt.
A lot of people like to conflate abortion and adoption, which are two very different issues. This really shows the difficulty of relinquishing a child, and illustrates the utter ridiculousness of the phrases "just adopt" and "just place the child for adoption." This is all the more highlighted by the author's subsequent choice to have an abortion when faced with another pregnancy, and that it is far more likely a woman will suffer lifelong regret for placing a child, than from having an abortion.
Ordinarily, I'd give this 3 stars, for the sometimes difficult to follow timeline, and some of the ruminations that didn't really have anything to do with anything, but I'm adding an extra star because it is such an important addition to all of the writings out there about adoption.
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September 26, 2017I had high hopes for this book, as I enjoy reading first person narratives about experiences I can only imagine.
I appreciate Seek's willingness to share her confession with the world. If it weren’t for writers like her, first person accounts wouldn’t be so readily available, and we would be worse off for it.
There were moments of lovely writing. Some of the transitions could have been better, and the pacing seemed off. Sometimes I was taken out of the story by pages of life details that seemed superfluous. I would have preferred a tighter narrative.
There were a few times when I thought she described something perfectly – I don’t mean accurately or according to my expectations – but perfect for moving both mind and spirit. In those moments, I felt she gave me insight I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and that’s what I wanted more of.
The problems for me began early in the book. I started writing down page numbers with the intent of going back to use them as examples in my review, and I ended up with over 20 numbers on that list. I won't use them here because it gives too much away.
I felt she was an unreliable narrator.
I also expected much more reflection. Perhaps she delivers what she advertises, but I would have preferred some commentary as she looked back and wrote about her thoughts of the past. I know they were true for her x years ago, but what does she think about them now so many years later? When she looks at that version of herself now, what is she thinking? The book felt like a reporting; I prefer some analysis also.
Full disclosure: I have a sister who is a birth mother in an open adoption. She identified herself as a birth mother in her review on goodreads, so I am not disrespecting her privacy.
I can’t speak for her experience. As an aunt, I feel fortunate to be in a situation where my niece is simply my niece. I'm close with her family. I've been a regular visitor to their home over the past 10+ years since she was born. In the first several years when we all lived within driving distance, my sister and I went to their house each Thanksgiving. We went to birthday parties. Her family came to my wedding. She was included in our family reunion book last year. And my niece is flying out on her own this week to stay with us for several days. She is one of the family. When someone in our family counts their great grandchildren or grandchildren, they always count her. My niece's family has always been not only open but also proactive about that openness. They send cards and gifts. They travel to see our family. They have always included us in her story. As someone who acknowledges she's on the periphery and "only" the aunt, I am so grateful my sister would consider only an open adoption.
I appreciate Seek's willingness to share her confession with the world. If it weren’t for writers like her, first person accounts wouldn’t be so readily available, and we would be worse off for it.
There were moments of lovely writing. Some of the transitions could have been better, and the pacing seemed off. Sometimes I was taken out of the story by pages of life details that seemed superfluous. I would have preferred a tighter narrative.
There were a few times when I thought she described something perfectly – I don’t mean accurately or according to my expectations – but perfect for moving both mind and spirit. In those moments, I felt she gave me insight I wouldn’t have had otherwise, and that’s what I wanted more of.
The problems for me began early in the book. I started writing down page numbers with the intent of going back to use them as examples in my review, and I ended up with over 20 numbers on that list. I won't use them here because it gives too much away.
I felt she was an unreliable narrator.
I also expected much more reflection. Perhaps she delivers what she advertises, but I would have preferred some commentary as she looked back and wrote about her thoughts of the past. I know they were true for her x years ago, but what does she think about them now so many years later? When she looks at that version of herself now, what is she thinking? The book felt like a reporting; I prefer some analysis also.
Full disclosure: I have a sister who is a birth mother in an open adoption. She identified herself as a birth mother in her review on goodreads, so I am not disrespecting her privacy.
I can’t speak for her experience. As an aunt, I feel fortunate to be in a situation where my niece is simply my niece. I'm close with her family. I've been a regular visitor to their home over the past 10+ years since she was born. In the first several years when we all lived within driving distance, my sister and I went to their house each Thanksgiving. We went to birthday parties. Her family came to my wedding. She was included in our family reunion book last year. And my niece is flying out on her own this week to stay with us for several days. She is one of the family. When someone in our family counts their great grandchildren or grandchildren, they always count her. My niece's family has always been not only open but also proactive about that openness. They send cards and gifts. They travel to see our family. They have always included us in her story. As someone who acknowledges she's on the periphery and "only" the aunt, I am so grateful my sister would consider only an open adoption.
October 16, 2015
Overall this book is a helpful insight into the perspective and experience of this birthmother, but through a significant portion of the book I was just annoyed with her "voice" and I ended up skimming through a lot of it. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but she seems whiny or something. Not a book I would strongly recommend, but if you have an interest in adoption, it may be good to read.
January 30, 2018
I chose this book because it seemed so far removed from anything I could conceive of doing — giving up my child for adoption. The concept of open adoptions was something I had never really thought much about. I concluded that the heroes in this story were Paula and Erik, the adoptive parents, who agreed to a really generous arrangement with the birth mother by giving her so much liberty in access to her son while they raised him.
Although well written and raw, I found the book too wordy for my taste. The content saddened me and I was relieved when it was over.
Although well written and raw, I found the book too wordy for my taste. The content saddened me and I was relieved when it was over.
May 10, 2016
Rarely do I have time to read a book so to read it cover to cover, it has to be captivating and worth every moment.
As the mentor to a birth mom, and later as an adoptive mom myself, I have a tiny window into the experience of a birth parents making the decision to place their baby for adoption. But Amy Seek not only enlarged that window but let me walk through a door, not as a voyeur but allowing me to experience the waves of emotion that only a birth mother can experience. She carefully weaves through the fabric of fathers, noting that "all fathers are really adoptive fathers" as by way of nature, they don't carry another life inside their body and can only know the child once he is born. By the time of birth, mom and baby have already bonded in a way that is impossible to fully grasp without having another person living inside of you. Amy walks her readers through each emotion -- shock, love, loss, misplaced anger, fully targeted anger, loneliness, fear -- as if a glimpse into the pages of a poet's journal but a journal written with precision, allowing her readers to understand each detail of sacrifice experienced by a birth mom. She talks about the night dreams, trying to continue with the life she once knew but returning to it changed and wounded with many judgments but without a single person who could fully comprehend the entire loss. In walking through her door, I am captivated by her experience and wonder how much of her experience was that of my own son's birth mother, never knowing how to heal the wound that happens when life begins with great loss and when someone else's great loss gave me LIFE. This is a great read for all adoptive parent, birth parents, children who were adopted and for anyone who wants to understand the complicated and yet beautiful decision of adoption.
As the mentor to a birth mom, and later as an adoptive mom myself, I have a tiny window into the experience of a birth parents making the decision to place their baby for adoption. But Amy Seek not only enlarged that window but let me walk through a door, not as a voyeur but allowing me to experience the waves of emotion that only a birth mother can experience. She carefully weaves through the fabric of fathers, noting that "all fathers are really adoptive fathers" as by way of nature, they don't carry another life inside their body and can only know the child once he is born. By the time of birth, mom and baby have already bonded in a way that is impossible to fully grasp without having another person living inside of you. Amy walks her readers through each emotion -- shock, love, loss, misplaced anger, fully targeted anger, loneliness, fear -- as if a glimpse into the pages of a poet's journal but a journal written with precision, allowing her readers to understand each detail of sacrifice experienced by a birth mom. She talks about the night dreams, trying to continue with the life she once knew but returning to it changed and wounded with many judgments but without a single person who could fully comprehend the entire loss. In walking through her door, I am captivated by her experience and wonder how much of her experience was that of my own son's birth mother, never knowing how to heal the wound that happens when life begins with great loss and when someone else's great loss gave me LIFE. This is a great read for all adoptive parent, birth parents, children who were adopted and for anyone who wants to understand the complicated and yet beautiful decision of adoption.
November 8, 2015
As an adoptive family, I was eager to read Seek's book. Her writing is lyrical, her emotions immense and honest, her pain raw. Seek was not the "typical" young woman facing the choice of adoption or abortion. She was in her early 20's, in college working at the graduate level, had a supportive significant other willing to assume the role of father and an excellent support system - in her family and friends and co-workers, and had a relatively secure financial base. She would have been a good mother. She knew that she would have been a good mother. And, when reviewing applications from hopeful couples seeking a baby - she could not find anyone who she thought would be as good a mother as she could be. Hundreds of couples were reviewed, interviewed, visited - and found mostly lacking. Just before delivery, Seek chose a couple and the option of an open adoption.
For days after her son was born, she hesitated to sign the final papers. Finally she did - but that chapter of the lengthy book was omitted.
The question never answered - for me - was why did Seek chose to place her son for adoption?
For days after her son was born, she hesitated to sign the final papers. Finally she did - but that chapter of the lengthy book was omitted.
The question never answered - for me - was why did Seek chose to place her son for adoption?
July 18, 2017
Was intrigued by the concept of a introspective look into a birth-mother's experience. Wasn't sure what to expect.
The writing held my attention straight away. Appreciate how she called this experiment of adoption, that is often romanticized, unnatural. That it didn't go away and did hurt and affect her as it should. She raised some needed questions.
but then you come to page 233. seems adoption is so hard that we must murder the next child that was conceived due to our continued sinful actions. and as if that's not enough, she says it (murder) is what she should've done with Jonathan. but then wants another child when her father is dying.
Why is she still bemoaning missing out on anything regarding Jonathan from this point on then?! no point in reading beyond page 233. why bring up getting Jon back? and then it's about her father's death present tense/past tense/future tense. The memoir on open adoption ended on page 233.
sad how much she withheld/held back. seems open adoption isn't so open...
pages of note; 35, 52, 61-62, 96, 116, 148, 163, 168, 172, 188, 195, 198, 201, 219, 223, 225, 230, 233, 255, 263, 266,
The writing held my attention straight away. Appreciate how she called this experiment of adoption, that is often romanticized, unnatural. That it didn't go away and did hurt and affect her as it should. She raised some needed questions.
but then you come to page 233. seems adoption is so hard that we must murder the next child that was conceived due to our continued sinful actions. and as if that's not enough, she says it (murder) is what she should've done with Jonathan. but then wants another child when her father is dying.
Why is she still bemoaning missing out on anything regarding Jonathan from this point on then?! no point in reading beyond page 233. why bring up getting Jon back? and then it's about her father's death present tense/past tense/future tense. The memoir on open adoption ended on page 233.
sad how much she withheld/held back. seems open adoption isn't so open...
pages of note; 35, 52, 61-62, 96, 116, 148, 163, 168, 172, 188, 195, 198, 201, 219, 223, 225, 230, 233, 255, 263, 266,
October 17, 2017
I unfortunately did not finish this book....got about halfway through. I really wanted to finish it. Mostly I just didn't like how the book was written. She jumped around in her timeline a LOT! And that bugged me. I really would have preferred it to be a more linear timeline or for her to be more clear on when she was moving more into the future. Sometimes I would be reading and I would get confused where she was even at within her timeline. Not a fan of that. I don't want my bad review to reflect on what the woman lived through...that is why I so badly wanted to finish the book. I wanted to see how it all turned out for her, but the book was just so poorly written (in my opinion) that I just couldn't keep going. I think the author needed some more assistance in putting her story into words. Not everyone is a writer.
July 28, 2015
I need to start off by disclosing firstly that I did not finish reading this book and also that I am not in any way living with adoption. I like the topic especially because I considered adopting when I was struggling with infertility and may have adopted had fertility treatments not ultimately helped me.
I really loved the idea of this book but from the get go I had a hard time really relating to the narrator. I don't know if it was her way of telling her story or if I just had a hard time connecting to her as a person. Either way, she never really clicked with me and so I was unable to get into her story. I think I would have enjoyed the content had there been a different narrator.
I really loved the idea of this book but from the get go I had a hard time really relating to the narrator. I don't know if it was her way of telling her story or if I just had a hard time connecting to her as a person. Either way, she never really clicked with me and so I was unable to get into her story. I think I would have enjoyed the content had there been a different narrator.
April 23, 2020
I should preface this by saying that I am considering expanding my family through adoption, and I have immediate as well as extended family members who are adoptees. I opened this book with what I believed to be openness for setting a flexible boundary with a birth family.
Oof. This was a tough read. Not in an emotional sense, though I anticipated the topic would be weighty and provoking. It was challenging because my opinion of the author changed with practically every page turn. Up until the Surrender (her name for the transition from birth parent to adoptive), I found her insufferably pretentious. Her descriptions of her baby's father, as if he were the only true Artist, and pity on those who did not dedicate their lives to the pursuit of Architecture; all of her interactions with him were described as if they were part of a manic pixie girl dreamland. I could not stick with it if she was going to be needlessly self-aggrandizing. 111 specific questions for potential adoptive parents to answer? Beyond how they were thoroughly vetted and approved by reputable agencies? Questions that, between friends, would seem like a fun would-you-rather game, but which she wielded as a weapon, searching for the slightest misstep. I sympathized with her need to find the "perfect" parents for her precious bundle, but at some point, her criteria was ludicrous, and my heart ached for the families that exceeded the benchmark and yet fell short of her expectations.
That said, once her son was placed with his adoptive parents, she became somewhat tolerable. Mind you, she kept her son for a two-week soul-searching period after birth, during which she attached with, nursed, and co-slept with her newborn with no regard for briefing the adoptive parents, who - bless them - stayed nearby while she continued to act ambivalently. This is not to say that she did not have the right to thoroughly consider her decision, but she depicted a period of being as if in a cocoon, shutting out any kind of accountability to those outside of herself. Honestly, I don't think this two-week period did her any favors to her emotional state when it came time to sever her physical guardianship of her son.
At a retreat for birth mothers, she notes, "Admitting my regret felt forward-looking." At the end of it all, this book, a tome of regret, is largely focused on her retroactive, endless self-doubt. There were brief, shining moments during which I felt compassion, during which I understood her irresolution. The detour into her story of healing from a physical trauma showed growth and increased self-insight. As her son aged, she seemed to acquire a kind of numbness to events, comments, and people to which she had previously taken personal offense. (Her indignation that the adoptive family celebrate the adoptive mother on Mother's Day, and yet not know how to address the birth mother's role. Again, not that she didn't play a role that deserved celebration, but it seemed that she was constantly trying to insert herself into a life, a family, that was not hers for the taking. They did not adopt HER, after all.)
It's not to say that messy, utterly human stories don't deserve an outlet. Those are typically my favorite stories. Feeling minorly hostile toward your nieces and nephews, the "legitimate" grandchildren. Wondering if your role as a key player would be acknowledged by society. These are completely understandable feelings and concerns. I would simply be confused if I were her son, reading this account; I would walk away shouting "So why DID you give me up?" after learning that my birth mom made herself miserable for over a decade over what was, at the time, what she thought was best.
All this said, I've never taken so much time to write a review, so clearly the story was compelling, at least in that I HAD to see if and how the author would mature. I would read a sequel, but first I'd want the author to seek more professional support and insight, and for the editors to take liberal cuts of irrelevant sidenotes (the dog food anecdote, the desire to kick the ducks...huh?).
Oof. This was a tough read. Not in an emotional sense, though I anticipated the topic would be weighty and provoking. It was challenging because my opinion of the author changed with practically every page turn. Up until the Surrender (her name for the transition from birth parent to adoptive), I found her insufferably pretentious. Her descriptions of her baby's father, as if he were the only true Artist, and pity on those who did not dedicate their lives to the pursuit of Architecture; all of her interactions with him were described as if they were part of a manic pixie girl dreamland. I could not stick with it if she was going to be needlessly self-aggrandizing. 111 specific questions for potential adoptive parents to answer? Beyond how they were thoroughly vetted and approved by reputable agencies? Questions that, between friends, would seem like a fun would-you-rather game, but which she wielded as a weapon, searching for the slightest misstep. I sympathized with her need to find the "perfect" parents for her precious bundle, but at some point, her criteria was ludicrous, and my heart ached for the families that exceeded the benchmark and yet fell short of her expectations.
That said, once her son was placed with his adoptive parents, she became somewhat tolerable. Mind you, she kept her son for a two-week soul-searching period after birth, during which she attached with, nursed, and co-slept with her newborn with no regard for briefing the adoptive parents, who - bless them - stayed nearby while she continued to act ambivalently. This is not to say that she did not have the right to thoroughly consider her decision, but she depicted a period of being as if in a cocoon, shutting out any kind of accountability to those outside of herself. Honestly, I don't think this two-week period did her any favors to her emotional state when it came time to sever her physical guardianship of her son.
At a retreat for birth mothers, she notes, "Admitting my regret felt forward-looking." At the end of it all, this book, a tome of regret, is largely focused on her retroactive, endless self-doubt. There were brief, shining moments during which I felt compassion, during which I understood her irresolution. The detour into her story of healing from a physical trauma showed growth and increased self-insight. As her son aged, she seemed to acquire a kind of numbness to events, comments, and people to which she had previously taken personal offense. (Her indignation that the adoptive family celebrate the adoptive mother on Mother's Day, and yet not know how to address the birth mother's role. Again, not that she didn't play a role that deserved celebration, but it seemed that she was constantly trying to insert herself into a life, a family, that was not hers for the taking. They did not adopt HER, after all.)
It's not to say that messy, utterly human stories don't deserve an outlet. Those are typically my favorite stories. Feeling minorly hostile toward your nieces and nephews, the "legitimate" grandchildren. Wondering if your role as a key player would be acknowledged by society. These are completely understandable feelings and concerns. I would simply be confused if I were her son, reading this account; I would walk away shouting "So why DID you give me up?" after learning that my birth mom made herself miserable for over a decade over what was, at the time, what she thought was best.
All this said, I've never taken so much time to write a review, so clearly the story was compelling, at least in that I HAD to see if and how the author would mature. I would read a sequel, but first I'd want the author to seek more professional support and insight, and for the editors to take liberal cuts of irrelevant sidenotes (the dog food anecdote, the desire to kick the ducks...huh?).
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 29, 2020
It's hard for me to assess this book.
It's poignant, sad, illuminating and ultimately helped me see "the birthmother side" of the adoption story with sympathetic eyes.
The next time I'm counseling a woman in an unplanned pregnancy about her options, I'll remember Seek's memoir.
But, ultimately, this story is so sad because all the grief she describes is the result of a choice she made to say no to the man who loved her and their child and wanted to make a family.
She paid a high price for a decision she made almost spontaneously and then revisited for the rest of the pregnancy.
Abortions stats indicate many women who choose to abort might not have done so if someone close to them had offered any support.
Seek got incredible support from the father of this child, and recognized it at the time. But everyone else warned she was risking her architecture career.
She listened to them, not the child's father or, more importantly, her heart.
The most poignant paragraph in the memoir:
"I needed my final internship to remind me what was so great about architecture. An internship at another firm looking for red, or waiting for funding, or drafting vacation houses for New Yorkers, or calibrating parking spaces to building occupancies, would only prove I'd given up my son for nothing. I didn't want to practice architecture, I wanted to look at it, hard."
All these years later, I doubt she feels she made the right choice. Seek never appears to have had another child.
The good news is, the grace of the parents who adopted her son is profound. They have willingly shared the son with both his birth parents. Truly, that has been a grace-filled Christian work.
It's poignant, sad, illuminating and ultimately helped me see "the birthmother side" of the adoption story with sympathetic eyes.
The next time I'm counseling a woman in an unplanned pregnancy about her options, I'll remember Seek's memoir.
But, ultimately, this story is so sad because all the grief she describes is the result of a choice she made to say no to the man who loved her and their child and wanted to make a family.
She paid a high price for a decision she made almost spontaneously and then revisited for the rest of the pregnancy.
Abortions stats indicate many women who choose to abort might not have done so if someone close to them had offered any support.
Seek got incredible support from the father of this child, and recognized it at the time. But everyone else warned she was risking her architecture career.
She listened to them, not the child's father or, more importantly, her heart.
The most poignant paragraph in the memoir:
"I needed my final internship to remind me what was so great about architecture. An internship at another firm looking for red, or waiting for funding, or drafting vacation houses for New Yorkers, or calibrating parking spaces to building occupancies, would only prove I'd given up my son for nothing. I didn't want to practice architecture, I wanted to look at it, hard."
All these years later, I doubt she feels she made the right choice. Seek never appears to have had another child.
The good news is, the grace of the parents who adopted her son is profound. They have willingly shared the son with both his birth parents. Truly, that has been a grace-filled Christian work.
September 18, 2023
I tried. I really tried to like this. I thought that, as an adoptee, this would give me some insight into my bio mother. I really, really wanted to like this one; the author's appearance at The Moth was really well done, and I thought her book would be just as lovely. Instead, I found myself grateful the author surrendered her son because I didn't see any personal growth from her. I can only assume that some positive reviews were due to the subject matter. We think to ourselves, "Well, of course this would be a powerful, piercing book." In reality, it's just 300+ pages of over-the-top writing with no character growth and a defensive protagonist who victimizes herself on every single page.
The writing is really flowery; every single paragraph tries to be profound and have meaning. The timeline jumps around without warning and the book is structured poorly. Characters are introduced and we have no idea who they are for a few paragraphs. Events happen that seem important but are never mentioned again. The whole piece feels like a self-help project for the author. "Instead of going to therapy, I'll write a memoir!" Girl. Go to therapy. I did, and it was awesome.
I thought at some point, we'd circle back to the beginning. How'd you get to be in this place having a profound conversation with the child you birthed? But nope, we don't get that. Just 5 chapters about how she's the victim and how she will get her son back, but no real action on it (probably b/c she knows she can't do that legally.) Just a whole lot of blah blah blah no one passed me the potatoes.
Don't waste your time. I'm sorry I did, but I'm glad it's over.
The writing is really flowery; every single paragraph tries to be profound and have meaning. The timeline jumps around without warning and the book is structured poorly. Characters are introduced and we have no idea who they are for a few paragraphs. Events happen that seem important but are never mentioned again. The whole piece feels like a self-help project for the author. "Instead of going to therapy, I'll write a memoir!" Girl. Go to therapy. I did, and it was awesome.
I thought at some point, we'd circle back to the beginning. How'd you get to be in this place having a profound conversation with the child you birthed? But nope, we don't get that. Just 5 chapters about how she's the victim and how she will get her son back, but no real action on it (probably b/c she knows she can't do that legally.) Just a whole lot of blah blah blah no one passed me the potatoes.
Don't waste your time. I'm sorry I did, but I'm glad it's over.
December 4, 2020
This book truly captures a lifetime of living within its four corners. Amy pulls the reader right in with her and exposes all that is raw and emotional. You will cry with her, laugh with her, and fall in love over and over again. You will know heartache and romance, sadness and hope as she grapples with being a Birth Mother. Something I didn't know existed to this extent until reading her book. Now I feel like I know everything.
It's not an easy read in the best sense possible and it's worth the journey. Amy shares with us readers all of her and does not shy away from even the most intimate of moments (the birth itself). You can't help but root for her as she begins to rebuild her life to include a son.
I highly recommend this book as it opens one's eyes to a different angle of adoption (opened/closed) many may not be aware existed. It's a view from the other side, a woman just wanting what's best for her child.
It's not an easy read in the best sense possible and it's worth the journey. Amy shares with us readers all of her and does not shy away from even the most intimate of moments (the birth itself). You can't help but root for her as she begins to rebuild her life to include a son.
I highly recommend this book as it opens one's eyes to a different angle of adoption (opened/closed) many may not be aware existed. It's a view from the other side, a woman just wanting what's best for her child.
July 7, 2017
A must-read for all, either current or prospective, members of the adoption triad. Seek lays out twelve years worth of experience that could never be explained in a single conversation about adoption.
It's a rare glimpse into the subtle, shifting dynamics of life, family, adoption, motherhood. Her words are powerful and reflective, even gently humorous. If we know anything about adoption, we know it is an experiment and this book captures the depths of that reality, leaving you desperate to know what happens next.
It's a rare glimpse into the subtle, shifting dynamics of life, family, adoption, motherhood. Her words are powerful and reflective, even gently humorous. If we know anything about adoption, we know it is an experiment and this book captures the depths of that reality, leaving you desperate to know what happens next.
January 14, 2021
Stunning
The writing style alone is a credit to this author. Very easy to follow as she shares her heart for her son. Always her son. As a foster to adopt mom, I needed this book in my life, as a reminder of how important all family is. I hope I have tucked away some things I needed to learn.
The writing style alone is a credit to this author. Very easy to follow as she shares her heart for her son. Always her son. As a foster to adopt mom, I needed this book in my life, as a reminder of how important all family is. I hope I have tucked away some things I needed to learn.
December 20, 2017
A beautifully broken and real journey told from the birth moms perspective. It is gripping, at moments touching and extremely heartbreaking...tbh I cried my way through the entire thing. I would give it 5 stars but the transitions felt jumbled and out of context within Amy’s journey and I felt a little disoriented on the lapse of time that had passed.
June 11, 2018
This was a good book. It was a very interesting perspective. I wish we could have gotten the side of the family. It seemed like they were VERY open. Very worthwhile read.
February 9, 2019
Beautiful, moving, and raw. I read this book with heart in my throat the entire time. It will stay forever with me.
August 15, 2019
Powerful and beautifully written, this book is a gift to the world.
November 1, 2015
This book was powerful and heartbreaking. Amy Seek is a beautiful writer, and the first half of the book clutched me as books do when they describe emotions and experiences I have shared. Her experience of pregnancy (a protected, quiet time, dense with meaning and potential), her capturing of the truly TRANSFORMATIVE nature of giving birth and motherhood, set my heart a flutter with understanding. Her excitement about learning and her persistent efforts to find beauty and meaning in everything made her feel, to me, like a kindred spirit.
But through so much of this book I was also gripped by confusion. Despite the repeated mantra that "placing" your child in open adoption is not the same as abandonment, that it's not "giving up" your child, that it's done out of care and love, I still just couldn't understand it. How could she give up her child? She spends the next decade both justifying the choice and struggling with it, and I fully appreciated both the difficulties and benefits of the arrangement.
But I can't say that I ever came to understand it, and my guess would be that open adoptions that work as seamlessly as this one appeared to work, are rare. Maybe it's because I'm an introvert, that I have such a hard time imagining how easily the adoptive parents could allow so many other families into their lives.
I think some readers will tire of AmySeek as they read this book. It goes on a little too long, and she repeatedly makes choices that sometimes color her as self-centered and selfish. I am pro-choice, and I firmly believe that no one should be a mother if they don't want to be, but if anything, Amy's story emphasizes that it's never really that simple. It wasn't that she didn't want to be a mother, it was that she legitimately felt that she could not do it. But I'm going to be honest, it was hard to buy it-- she had such a strong support system in her family. She had a boyfriend who WANTED to raise the child with her. And here I think if I told my husband about this, I think it would infuriate him. They way the decision was so strictly in the mother's hands.
Nevertheless, this book was a beautiful and tender reflection on motherhood and family, and I truly loved it, though it broke my heart in so many places.
Every few pages there was a passage I wanted to never forget, and of course, I failed to mark them all down, they were so frequent. I understand that there are choices that stay with you for years, and she does an amazing job describing the landscape of memory and regret.
October 12, 2015
Amy Seek writes a gutwrenching account of placing her son for adoption. Seek has an open adoption with the adoptive family of her son, this means that she meets with them, talks to them and exchanges correspondence. At the beginning of any adoption these days the power really lies with the mother. She is carrying the child, she gets to choose a family, and ultimately it is up to her to decide if she can go through with placement.
Seek and her then boyfriend Jevn, take finding a family very seriously. They compose a list of about 100 questions to ask families to see if their values are the same, they interview couples and really take the whole process of finding the "right" family very seriously. After several hours of labor Seek decides to nurse her son, and then ultimately starts having second thoughts. She winds up taking him home and parenting him for about a month before she relinquishes her rights. Given that she had a strong support system and people willing to help I found this book really lacking in the reasons why she decided to place. Its a huge missing gap.
Throughout the book you can feel the grief, anger and frustration that Seek still seems to be dealing with regarding her placement of her son, who by the end of the book is a preteen. After placement the power shifted to the adoptive parents and away from Seek leaving her powerless and lost with her emotions. I'm not sure where all the support that she was offered to keep her child went after she placed her baby but this seems to also be a major hole in the story.
Despite these big issues and some others that crop up regarding Seek's later pregnancies I don't think I have ever read a more honest and soul bared account of placing a child for adoption. The mix of emotions, grief, anger, happiness, relief, frustration, loss, etc are laid bare for the reader. However that being said some of those emotions often felt detached and just out of reach. This book is a good conversation starter, because as this book proves there is so much more to adoption than just placing a baby, its a lifelong commitment and a lifelong journey for everyone involved in the process.
Seek and her then boyfriend Jevn, take finding a family very seriously. They compose a list of about 100 questions to ask families to see if their values are the same, they interview couples and really take the whole process of finding the "right" family very seriously. After several hours of labor Seek decides to nurse her son, and then ultimately starts having second thoughts. She winds up taking him home and parenting him for about a month before she relinquishes her rights. Given that she had a strong support system and people willing to help I found this book really lacking in the reasons why she decided to place. Its a huge missing gap.
Throughout the book you can feel the grief, anger and frustration that Seek still seems to be dealing with regarding her placement of her son, who by the end of the book is a preteen. After placement the power shifted to the adoptive parents and away from Seek leaving her powerless and lost with her emotions. I'm not sure where all the support that she was offered to keep her child went after she placed her baby but this seems to also be a major hole in the story.
Despite these big issues and some others that crop up regarding Seek's later pregnancies I don't think I have ever read a more honest and soul bared account of placing a child for adoption. The mix of emotions, grief, anger, happiness, relief, frustration, loss, etc are laid bare for the reader. However that being said some of those emotions often felt detached and just out of reach. This book is a good conversation starter, because as this book proves there is so much more to adoption than just placing a baby, its a lifelong commitment and a lifelong journey for everyone involved in the process.
April 11, 2016
I wanted to like this book, because I think the stories of first mothers is too frequently glossed over. I read smaller portions of the book initially, and I had enjoyed those, but I found the writing of the entire book to be exhausting.
First, it really needs editing. I think the intent is often flowery language, but it ends up just being endless circles of repetition. Second, I was honestly shocked that Seek chose adoption at all, considering how clearly she feels about the biology being necessary for family. I was stunned with the line about J, A, and S rolling down the hill almost like they were real siblings. What on earth does she think they are? And the idea that she would date anyone who flatly stated that a man could never love another man's child, despite the fact that Seek herself placed her son with a man who did exactly that, three times over.
The book does give an honest look at the relationships and how they develop in open adoptions. It's consistent with the stories of people I know in real life.
First, it really needs editing. I think the intent is often flowery language, but it ends up just being endless circles of repetition. Second, I was honestly shocked that Seek chose adoption at all, considering how clearly she feels about the biology being necessary for family. I was stunned with the line about J, A, and S rolling down the hill almost like they were real siblings. What on earth does she think they are? And the idea that she would date anyone who flatly stated that a man could never love another man's child, despite the fact that Seek herself placed her son with a man who did exactly that, three times over.
The book does give an honest look at the relationships and how they develop in open adoptions. It's consistent with the stories of people I know in real life.
August 28, 2015
Ehh. I'm thinking she just may have overthought this a bit. But, then, I know that we all fail our children in billions of ways, and they will move on into the future without understanding us in the least. I get the idea she kept (keeps?) expecting some outpouring of rage and angst or compassion and enlightenment, but it's way too much to expect from any kid. But, at the same time, it really bothers me how much she under-thought her second pregnancy and the choice she made to abort that child. She even says that she "should" have chosen to abort her first child. Because it would have been easier on her, I guess? She totally glosses over the death of her second child and negated the life of her first with that. I understand there's a PTSD element to that choice, it's very common, but she just gives it less screen time than her meal descriptions. Very odd and very much a disappointing ending to the whole thing.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 16, 2015
I was excited to read this book and I wanted to love it, but it was a let-down in some ways. I love reading memoirs, and I'm always interested in books about adoption because I work in the field. I found the first half of the book really took me in, up until she placed the baby with the adoptive family, but after that I lost interest because the story seemed to lose cohesiveness and the intensity was greatly diminished. That being said, there's plenty of great writing in this book and I do recommend it. Amy Seek is a beautiful writer. The way she describes her pregnancy and especially the way she describes the experience of labor, childbirth and the short time afterward is deeply moving. I appreciate that this author shared her unique perspective of such an intimate experience with honesty. I think it will help others have insight about birthmothers and open adoption.
August 10, 2015
A compulsively readable memoir, but I felt that much of the book was written in a detached, literary manner that absolved her from having to give too much emotion or too much of herself up to the reader. (Understandably.) It’s an emotional book and yet I didn’t always feel that coming off the page. In other words, she writes very eloquently about emotional events without the intensity that you’d expect from the one who lived them. (The notable exception to this off-and-on detachment is her birth story.) There is an opacity to this book–on purpose it seems–that made me forget I was reading a memoir. Despite that, I’m glad I read this and it shed much-needed light on the topic of open adoption.
August 10, 2015
One of the most beautifully written memoirs I've read, it presents a view of modern, open adoption from the birth mother's perspective. Seek is in college and about to break up with her boyfriend when she finds out that she is pregnant. After an agonizing search, they decide together which pair of prospective parents to give their son.
The relationship established among everyone is kind of like a divorce, where the birth parents and their families are allowed separate supervised visits. They are allowed to love their son in their own ways, and he to love them back.
The puzzling title comes from a bit of throwaway dialog between Seek and her son - not a deep discussion about religion or Transformers.
The relationship established among everyone is kind of like a divorce, where the birth parents and their families are allowed separate supervised visits. They are allowed to love their son in their own ways, and he to love them back.
The puzzling title comes from a bit of throwaway dialog between Seek and her son - not a deep discussion about religion or Transformers.
April 20, 2016
Unexpectedly pregnant while in architecture school, Amy Seek decides to have the baby and enter into an open adoption arrangement. She sees the family frequently and she and her extended family develop a good relationship with her son and his family (which includes two other children adopted in open arrangements). Sometimes perplexing, this memoir often skips over things that seem very pertinent (her subsequent abortion; the family's trip to see her in NY). She seems to spend a lot of time thinking about her son and whether she made the right decision to "choose architecture" over motherhood, but there is no denying that the family she selected seem to be very open, kind, considerate people and very good parents to their children.
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