Not by Chance: How Parents Boost Their Teen's Success In and After Treatment

by Tim Thayne

Your struggling teenager is going to a residential or wilderness treatment program. Their addictions, learning disabilities, or emotional/behavioral issues have brought you to a moment of decision. Heartsick, anxious, and exhausted, questions bounce endlessly around your mind, “Will this work? Was this really necessary? Will she ever forgive me? Can we handle him at home when the time comes?”Dr. Tim Thayne delivers the answers in his groundbreaking book Not by Chance. As an owner/therapist of wilderness and residential programs, Thayne was frustrated when young people made monumental progress, only to return home where things quickly unraveled. His mission became to vastly improve long-term success by crafting and proving a model to coach parents on their power to lead out through full engagement during treatment and management of the transition home.Not by Chance engages readers through solid research, simple exercises, and captivating stories taken from Thayne’s own life and the living rooms of hundreds of American homes. This book serves up concrete tools, hope, confidence, and stamina for families, professionals and mentors.Topics • Why good programs work• How to boost—not undermine—treatment• Nine dangers waiting after discharge• How to identify natural mentors for your teen• What to do when the testing begins• When and how to grant back privileges and freedoms• How to ease your young adult’s transition from treatment to independent living• When you know you’ve succeededIf you are even considering out-of-home treatment for your teen, do not gamble with the outcomes. Not by Chance should claim its rightful place on your nightstand.

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Health

280 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 14, 2013

Reviews

[Max Stone · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is worth reading for people in this situation. It’s comprehensive and a good guide for what one will go through, things to prepare for, and things to think about along the way. The exercises are worthwhile. Really I should probably give it 4 stars, but...

The one constant advice throughout the whole book by this former manager of wilderness programs and current manager of a program that helps with the transition home is: do *exactly* what the people at wilderness tell you to do and what the author of this book tells you to do. Any deviation is a mistake. Directionally that’s probably true (these people are experienced in these issues, and at a minimum something wasn’t working well before). But enough already with the “I told them to do X and instead they did Y and everything went wrong and the parents realized their error but by then it was hard to recover”.

[Lisa Faircloth · Rating 4 out of 5]

The tone of this book is one of optimism and great encouragement, which is what every weary parent in such a hard situation needs. It includes a lot of very helpful advice in the form of concrete exercises. The main ideas are--- stand by your family’s values when clearly communicating specific boundaries; not enabling destructive behaviors or communication patterns no matter how tempting; and establish a reliable “Home Team” that will be ready to support your teen’s recovery and come alongside the parents. Structure and discipline are key. He repeatedly warns against the dangers of lack of consistency between the adults in the teen’s life, as teens in this situation are especially vulnerable and prone to manipulation, and claims that a systemic allegiance to whatever system is in place is the most powerful indicator of the patient’s success. What he doesn’t address, is how to cope when the “Home Team” fails. A sad reality is that many families go through this process multiple times and failed/incomplete placements are commonplace. A parent cannot oversee and control every aspect of this situation (which is where the home team is supposed to fill in). It’s hard enough for a parent to follow through with consequences and deal with the fallout of that. It’s even harder when the other adults in the picture side with the teen in their frustration, and become an “advocate” for the teen’s immediate comfort and happiness (not progress) as soon as the going gets tough. There are too many cool guy church leaders, buddy coaches, disengaged Santa-style grandparents who want to befriend kids, but not support and follow up with parents in their hard, less glamorous work. I think there’s a tendency in all of us when someone is acting out to think the solution is only a matter of connecting the dots of how the people closest to them have failed them and caused the problem. Whether that is the case to any degree or not, people must still be accountable to their choices and their ability to think functionally. I’ve always been perplexed at the ever growing industry of life coaches and parenting coaches, but given the decline of the proverbial village, it’s beginning to make sense. The producers of this material also offer those services for families post-treatment, so it may be that dealing with the latter issues of lack of community support come into play when those services are engaged. And the price tag on that is understandably higher than that of a book.

[Amanda L. Redwine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just what I needed..,

Concrete advice from someone who's been there countless times with all different kinds of families. Written in plain language with actionable task lists at the end of each chapter.

[Kris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Your struggling teenager is going to a residential or wilderness treatment program. Their addictions, learning disabilities, or emotional/behavioral issues have brought you to a moment of decision. Heartsick, anxious, and exhausted, questions bounce endlessly around your mind, “Will this work? Was this really necessary? Will she ever forgive me? Can we handle him at home when the time comes?”
Dr. Tim Thayne delivers the answers in his groundbreaking book Not by Chance. As an owner/therapist of wilderness and residential programs, Thayne was frustrated when young people made monumental progress, only to return home where things quickly unraveled. His mission became to vastly improve long-term success by crafting and proving a model to coach parents on their power to lead out through full engagement during treatment and management of the transition home.
Great book and very helpful...now lets see if I can put it into practice...and we'll see if I can handle him at home when the time comes!

[Anke Smith · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to love this book but just couldn’t connect to it. So much of what us parents face with teenagers that have to go to treatment centers has been ignored in my opinion. Just about every book I read about it points the blame on the parents and how we have to change. I can honestly say we adopted so many strategies but when faced with mental illness you have very little to work with. As with this book money seems to be the needed thing so you can send your troubled teens to wilderness camps and other exciting options. If one is on a budged then I guess you are just out of luck or (sarcasm warning) you just don’t love your kids enough.
I wish all those books, like this one stopped parent shaming nonstop.

[Rachel Blackmer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone with a child in a residential treatment program MUST read this book! I've had kids in a half dozen different residential programs, and how I wish that I had found this book earlier! I can see clearly now how we were unable to help our oldest successfully transition home, and what was missing. My husband and I have put together a thorough, specific list of family rules and consequences, a safety plan and a relapse plan, thanks to this book. We have a great support team, now, too. We are hopeful that our middle child's transition home in a few weeks will be successful.

[Catherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This should be required reading for all parents who have a child in a residential, wilderness, or therapeutic boarding school. I wish we’d been given this book the week before we dropped our 14yo son at his school - there are so many good tips that would have helped us at the very beginning, instead of having to learn as we went along. I actually recommended this book to the school’s director! Highly recommend and I will continue to refer to this book as we move along this journey.

[Jenn Belden · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you have a troubled teen in a program (be it residential or wilderness), this may be the book for you, but if your teen doesn't fall into the troubled category and is simply dealing with anxiety or depression and in treatment, this book wasn't super helpful.

My takeaways could have been summed up in a few bulletpoints, the biggest of which is stick to the rules you set for them (which is solid for ANY teen.)

[Samcwright · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great summary systemic changes necessary to increase the likelihood of creating lasting change when counseling troubled teens. It is not simply a teenage behavioral problem but requires changes in all areas and relationships in a teens life.

[Phil Sageser · Rating 2 out of 5]

Four stars for parents of teens in residential treatment programs, but of little interest to others.

[Tyler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parent/Colorado

Good incite. Helped me understand more and prepare me for what to expect. I Will use the exercises outlined in this book.

[Sarah]

2025 #65

[Jonathan Case · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important resource for parents and professionals involved in the residential treatment process. Given the unique nature of residential treatment, it can be a confusing and heart wrenching process. Also, given the high cost of treatment, parents understandably want to get it "right." This book will help parents identify what to expect from a quality program, how to best involve themselves as partners with their program, and what to expect as their child makes the transition out of the program. For each step of the process there are simple and helpful recommendations which will greatly enhance treatment outcomes and relieve parents' anxiety. I'm a program therapist and I have recommended this book to most of my parents. I have yet to find a book that is so comprehensive and accessible. A busy parent could easily read this book in a week and yet I have also seen parents carrying worn copies of this book with tabs and highlights and notes in the margins from multiple reads and re-reads. I would recommend this book for parents who are considering residential treatment, involved in residential treatment, or if they have recently brought their child home.

[Lori Mcmurphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent book and just what our family needed. We've gone through several times and learn something new each time.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful, and had online support and worksheets for me to do.