I Want This to Work: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating the Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face in the Modern Age

by Elizabeth Earnshaw

“Elizabeth Earnshaw’s gentle guidance will help any type of couple, whether they are dealing with small day-to-day problems or long-standing conflicts. She takes an accessible approach to couples therapy on the page, making these relationship tools feel easy - and even fun.” (Lori Gottlieb, LMFT, New York Times best-selling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone )

A contemporary, culturally inclusive, and easy-to-digest relationship guide for the modern age

Today’s generation is changing the rules about committed relationships - and looking to create more meaning within their lives. We are more selective before getting married, with more diverse families and family structures, and we’ve seen a whopping 18 percent drop in divorce rates. In this new environment, what couples need more than ever are effective, flexible tools to communicate, navigate hard times, and create deeper connections with their partners.

Elizabeth Earnshaw is here to help. The renowned Gottman therapist, founder of A Better Life Therapy, and influential Instagram therapist behind @lizlistens has helped to transform countless relationships. With I Want This to Work, she presents for today’s generation the most effective and proven steps for relationship success.

“We’re in a cultural moment,” she says, “where people are hungry to absorb the principles for healthy relationships. This audiobook answers that call.”

Here, couples will learn how to work with the three challenges they must tackle to repair and strengthen their conflict, healing, and connection. They’ll learn fundamental principles




Why it’s not working Creating space that makes it safe to connect How to navigate hot conversations The five-part relationship system Busting the romantic notion that our better half “completes” us Growing up and growing out - how both your early years and the social connections you make as an adult influence your relational beliefs, feelings, and patterns In a supportive and relatable voice, Elizabeth simplifies complex concepts and provides core insights, exercises, and reflections to take these tested principles into real life.

Culturally tuned in, LGBTQIA+ friendly, and for both married and unmarried couples, this audiobook brings us an accessible guide to relationship healing and creating enduring intimacy.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Love, Romance, Audiobook

Audible Audio

First published November 30, 2021

Reviews

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recommend this book for those who are looking to improve not only romantic relationships, but relationships with family, friends, and even yourself. I am currently single, but was able to learn and digest many important lessons that will help me in all of my relationships, not just those that are romantic. I love how this book is inclusive, not only in analogies, but also in the artwork throughout the book. This is a must buy book for anyone who is searching to better themselves.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

I kind of wish I had bought this as a physical book because I feel like it and Set Boundaries, Find Peace are two of the most important relational books that I've ever read. I'll definitely be coming back to this one over and over again.

I'm currently single, but I even found this book to be so helpful and an incredible wealth of information for every relationship. Every year I feel like I learn a little more about how to deal with rupture, resentment, and other negative parts of relationships. Some of my past friendships have fallen apart due to none of us understanding how to deal with conflict or bringing it up from the beginning. I'm hardcore a passive-aggressive person as I assume that most of the things I'm annoyed by are obvious, it's a poor trait to have but seemingly one that a lot of people seem to suffer from.

I love that this includes actionable steps, discussion questions, and ways to actively repair broken relationships and this works just as well for friendships. Lots of great insight and a good resource to have when things seem tough and you need a reminder on how to approach a conversation or issue with love and how to protect yourself and your partner/friend. Highly recommend.

[MookNana · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is very good, comprehensive, useful information. It covers a very wide variety of factors that go into relationship success (family of origin, expectations, attachment styles, communication, etc.). I particularly appreciated the demonstration of what these issues might look like through examples of interactions between couples. I also liked that a diverse mix of couples were featured in these examples so that all sorts of people can "see" themselves in the experience.

This is very, VERY dense information. I highly recommend tackling no more than one chapter at a time and really taking your time with it. The exercises laid out at the end were practical and will help couples get the most out of each particular module.

Many thanks to the publisher and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review!

[Chris Weigl · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book I’ve read this year. I was really impressed by how many concepts the author incorporated into this book and what a good job she did at explaining each one. It’s remarkable that one book is able to discuss everything from mindfulness to attachment theory to inner child work and communication strategies like nonviolent communication. Clocking in at only 228 pages, this is a simple, accessible, and comprehensive guide to making meaning and gaining awareness of what matters in our relationships.

[Izzy Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely good book for navigating conflict and improving your relationships. It is in the context of life partner relationships but I think it is valuable for any. Lots of good instruction and thoughtful questions to help with self soothing and regulation without devaluing your experiences.

A lot of contemporary Instagram Therapy focuses either on delving into a problem and explaining it as the result of some fundamental "thing" in someone (whether a behavior is due to trauma or whatever) or are so focused on potential and self work to the point where people are obsessive over upgrading their own software.

I also enjoyed the examples which were very realistic and focused on resolving the problem rather than demonizing either party. It also doesn't absolve people of their bad behavior.

It is also encouraging to see that someone who is herself a therapist would struggle with getting dysregulated and responding in a hurtful way.

I am trying to implement these practices through my life and will reread the book a lot.

A big takeaway for me is that reparenting yourself goes beyond comfort and self confidence but also includes discipline. A phrase that popped into my head while working through this is that it is called reparenting yourself, not regrandparenting yourself.

[Zandy Barner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed listening to this audiobook and all of the psychological principles shared from attachment styles, boundaries, self compassion, emotional flooding to the Gottmans 4 horseman. The book was modern and approachable stating the goal of a relationship is interdependence, not independence or dependence. “I honor me. I honor you. I honor the relationship.” We want relationships that are filled with “the 3 R’s” respect, responsiveness and reliability, which is another great 3 R’s to live by along with reduce, reuse and recycle.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

This needs to be required reading material for anyone & everyone in a relationship or interested in being in a long-term, serious, committed relationship. Liz navigates the difficulties of emotional conflicts with such poise, that I found myself recommending this book to everyone I talked to before even finishing it.

Since finishing it, I'm still shouting, "YOU SHOULD READ THIS BOOK," to everyone. Being in back-to-back emotional rollercoaster relationships left me grasping for anything that could help me make sense of the depravity of my previous partners. I regret nothing about that last statement. They were traumatizing & I'm still traumatized, but this book has been so healing & validating. Every page I turned, I found myself mouthing, "YAaAS QuEEn, YOU GET IT."



But of course, Liz gets it. This is her profession & she's seen it all before. I might not have had a partner to do these exercises with, but one day I will. Until then, I'll be throwing this book at anyone & everyone, just casually shoving it down your throat because apparently, no one knows how to flippin' communicate their needs, emotions, or how to actually listen to the words coming out of their partner's mouth. I'm not triggered, you're triggered. Shut up.



This book isn't really meant for those who are in "situationships" or whatever nonsense modern dating shenanigans we millennials or Gen Z's get into. It's aimed more toward those in established, long-term relationships with two people who actually want their relationship to work. Y'all don't need to be married, just established that you two love each other & want a future together.

If you're grabbing this book because you're nearly at the end of the rope with your partner, know that this book can really help you build a closer connection with your partner & work toward healing, but only if they're willing to do the work. However, if you find yourself realizing that your partner would scoff at any of these exercises &/or roll their eyes at the thought of having to "work" to make a relationship work, then the book will help you realize that that relationship might not worth trying to save & that's okay. Dump them, it's not worth it.



If you happen to be trying to navigate the modern dating world in a world of Tinder fuckboys or you've been told your standards are too damn high, try reading How to Not Die Alone by Logan Ury. Afterward, read this book to learn how to become a better partner when Logan helps you find a partner.

Please, I'm begging all of you--read this book. Learn how to talk to each other. Understand & explore what your childhood traumas are. Learn what your attachment style is & what your partner's attachment style is. This book is a quick read written in plain language with a lot of anecdotal stories from Earnshaw's profession. To be fair, there was nothing in this book that shocked me to my core because I had already spent like a month researching the absolute BS I went through, but having it all laid out for me concisely in one book was *chef's kiss*. As I've said before, I found this book to be healing & it's helped me grow a lot as an individual & a future partner. READ THIS BOOK. You'll be glad you learned new communication tools & you'll grow so much. May you & your current (or future) partner grow individually & together because of Elizabeth Earnshaw.

[Lindsay-Ann Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a therapist myself, I always wonder how much information I’ll gain from a “therapy” book. The answer with this book is A LOT. Liz’s book was essentially a summary of nearly all attachment and relationship theories learned through my clinical education in an easy to read format (at a much more affordable price!). To my knowledge, there is not a single book that is more all encompassing. The compassion, passion and non judgement Liz utilizes in therapy practice, come through clearly in her writing style.

The book itself is broken down into essentially the parts of therapy; 1. Assessing (what is happening? What do we want to happen?), 2. Connecting (How do we make it happen?) 3. Growing (let’s go make it happen!). My favorite part of the book is that it is interactive. Every single chapter is built to help bring you closer to yourself and your partner through reflection activities and ‘talk about it’ activities. While the information is so important, it’s more important that you’re able to connect that information to your relationships (with yourself and others). These activities really help accomplish that goal.

Actually, I have two favorite parts. I LOVE THAT THIS BOOK IS NOT HETERONORMATIVE. Thank you Liz for bringing representation in literature.

Liz’s book is a MUST read for any human who has a relationship with another human or desires to (so everyone).

[Tori]

Excellent listen. I did the audiobook for an overview but want to buy a physical copy to walk through the prompts, journaling, and discussion items. This didn’t present much new information (Gottmans, attachment theory, boundaries) as much as it organized it in a digestible format.

[Keets · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend as a thorough and inclusive primer for relationships. Very digestible. Lots of practical tips, exercises, and prompts.

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve followed this author on Instagram for a long time and was excited when she wrote a book. I listened to this on audio, but I would also really like to own the hard copy as there are so many great discussion and journaling prompts as well as scripts in it. It’s a great book to help work on ALL relationships, not just romantic ones. I also really appreciated how inclusive the author was with her language and couple examples.

[jas · Rating 4 out of 5]

a good & easy to read book about common relationships challenges and tangible tools to work on them! i’d definitely recommend this to clients and have already started to share some of the graphics with friends & people i work with!

[Lorena · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best relationship books I have read. As promised, couples therapist Liz Earnshaw offers inclusive relationship guidance in a gentle, encouraging tone. She discusses causes of disconnection and conflict, such as past trauma, insecure attachment styles, communication issues, and difficulty managing differences. She coaches you through developing tools and techniques to overcome those difficulties, along with journaling prompts and guided conversations with your partner. The appendix includes templates for how to have several difficult conversations, such as finding a win-win solutions or discussing intimacy needs. Additional back matter includes notes and recommended resources.

Although I was already familiar with many of the ideas the author discusses, I really liked her presentation. She does a great job summarizing relationship research in an easy to understand way. She offers simple mnemonics such as her three Rs for a health relationship (respect, responsiveness, and reliability) and her HARD conversation model (Halt conversation, Attend to safety needs, Repair, and Debrief) to help you remember good communication skills. She uses plenty of examples from couples she has worked with, featuring couples of different ethnicities, genders, and orientations.

Although this is intended for romantic couples, some of the guidance, such as identifying your needs, setting boundaries, and offering effective apologies, would be helpful for any relationship. I highly recommend this book for anyone interested in improving their relationships with romantic partners, as well as with coworkers, family, and friends.

I was provided an unproofed ARC through NetGalley that I volunteered to review.

[Nate Bagley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an encyclopedia of relationship knowledge. Elizabeth pulls the best principles and tools from the most effective and well researched therapeutic interventions, and compiles them in one easy-to-read book.

If you want to know what’s required to have a truly great relationship, and to overcome normal relational issues, this book should be on your shelf.

It’s not a book you read. It’s a book you do.

And it’s meant to be read, and reread… done, and re-done over the course of your relationship.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive yet accessible primer for effective communication and managing interpersonal dynamics in romantic relationships. I will definitely be using the tips here to navigate my relationships!

[Viv · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is really good! I have read a lot of relationship self help books and I really like how the author seamlessly integrates a lot of important relationship concepts and skills. It covers attachment styles, boundaries, healthy communication, what's happening in your body, etc.

I like how the author provided self reflection exercises and also conversation prompts at the end of each chapter so you can actually bring your partner in to talk about this stuff. I think that it's important to do the conversations or the reflections to get the most out of each section and to not rush through.

Thanks for the opportunity to read the advanced copy and review!

[Scout Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 stars

I should start by saying this book will DEFINITELY be better for beginners. For sure it deserves 4 stars for people who have not had therapy before/have not read relationship books before.
I found the first part of the book filled with so much review, or obvious concepts explained in great detail. The second half of the book was better.

This book is divided into:
Introduction
ASSESS
Why it's not working (relationship stages: infatuation, realization, tension acceptance)
Interdependence: the gold standard (why too much independence/dependence is bad)

CONNECT
Current state of affairs (how you met vs. how it is now?)
Looking back to move forward (how growing up affected you; attachment styles)
It can start with you (list of negative behaviours you may do; working on yourself can make a big difference)
Boundaries: creating the space (setting boundaries, types of boundaries)
Change your thoughts, change your relationship (changing expectations/how things currently are with healthier affirmations/statements you can tell yourself--these may be reminders too)
Just-Right Communication (how to talk about hard things, the Four Horsemen)
Hot conversations (meaning intense conversations. covers disconnection, holding onto things, outside stressors, not curious, using substances, feel threatened; hard conversation skills [HALT])
Clearing the path (willingness to forgive, CAP conversations, apologies: responsibility/remorse/reflection/repair/request)

GROW
The Path Forward (rituals, win-win agreements, nurtured intimacy, goal support, meaning making)
A gathering (conclusion)

Normally you can get a good idea of what a book contains from the table of contents, but those contents are not very clear, so I summarized each chapter in brackets.

Some Thoughts While Reading
Five Part Relationship System
Me / Stuff I share / Us / Stuff they share / Them
This is very simple and easy to understand but there are multiple pages explaining it...
Then 'respect' is explained for almost a page: "when we do not respect someone, we belittle them and speak with contempt and criticism." (31) no, really???

I do not like the weird paper cut/size/weight in this book. Abnormal and not in a good way

So far the questions, couples' stories and images have been the best part of this book. Plus random useful tidbits of information (48)

"Carson and their partner came to see me after Carson suggested breaking up because they feel invisible. In an individual session with Carson, they explained whenever they get into relationships, they get disconnected from their values..." (94)
🙄🙄🙄😒😒 Wow, this language is so clear! (It's actually worse in the book when you read it in context).

All the boundary setting involves no apologizing including where appropriate😬
E.g. saying to your friend who you agreed to help: "I know I agreed to help you on Saturday, but I think I spoke too soon. I realize now I can't come." (121)
>> I don't agree with this. Some people go too far with 'setting boundaries' and start being rude. There's no reason you can't be empathetic to your friend who YOU AGREED TO HELP BEFORE AND ARE NOW CANCELLING ON! I'd find it so obnoxious if someone did that to me.. I probably wouldn't be friends with them if they didn't apologize for the inconvenience. No problem with boundaries, just be polite, as you want others to be towards you. I've seen this in multiple books and it's cringe.
Set boundaries RESPECTFULLY to yourself and others.

Liked
-The stories of couples were useful.
-Minus the weird paper, the book was well-designed. The graphics and colours and fonts on the inside are nice and visually pleasing. The charts and tables included are generally helpful (or at least display the information better).
-Most favourite thing of all was the questions the author gives you to ask yourself and/or your partner all throughout the book. Some of these questions were quite unique (haven't seen them in other books, or on the internet)! I will definitely be using those. That was the most valuable/new part of the book for me.
-There are some good communication tips, and the author explains why people may act the way they do and what might be going on for them.
-While it included more basic concepts (attachment styles/interdependence/etc.), this book was quite comprehensive of many relationship issues people face today. It did not include everything (there were definitely things missing) but I'd guess 80-85% of the issues couples face were included.

Disliked
-Repetitive or went into too much detail for basic concepts (things like respect.. do we really need 1-2 pages describing what respect is? I don't think so.)
-Just for me personally, I was expecting a bit more for some reason.. there was so much review of what I already know (e.g. attachment styles, John Gottman, Sue Johnson, etc.). I totally understand why the author would include this for beginners. I don't know why I was expecting more that I haven't heard of. Maybe I read too many books!

I will likely pick up this book again from the library in the future just to come back to it later.

In conclusion, I would recommend this book, with a caveat - skip whatever sections you already know about. I did read the sections for the topics I'm already aware of, just to see if there was anything new for me, and there wasn't. I think for everyone, different sections of the book will be more relevant than others, so focus your energy on things you haven't dealt with or thought of before.

[Nex Juice · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a dear friend who runs in the same circles as the author. She (the author) is a marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified Gottman therapist. Gottman is a huge name in couples counseling, and after reading Ms. Earnshaw's book, I see why. I found the material and the process to be thorough and easy to get through. It was valuable in my last relationship, and I still use some of the things I learned from it in my current one.

For instance, we can respond to our partners' bids for attention in 3 main ways: We can turn towards them, away from them, or against them. I have a tendency toward skepticism, and when I thought about it, I realized I might sometimes "turn against" someone as a knee-jerk desire to challenge the authenticity of what they're saying. The point of relationships and communication isn't to be the one who is right the most. The point is to connect! To turn TOWARD them. I think this simple concept has helped me to be softer and more loving.

I also like the idea of, "I honor you. I honor me. I honor us." Viewing the relationship as a third entity, in need of its own time and energy, which feeds us both, was a fun mindset shift.

She also touches on the important theme of interdependence, as contrasted with independence, codependence, and I recently learned of the concept of counterdependence - a resistance of depending on anyone. She speaks on the importance of balancing a life together and continuing to have two separate, individual lives, too. It's important to have your own unique lives, interests, hobbies, etc. This has become increasingly important in my relationships over time.

My last relationship lasted about a year, and the later parts of the book didn't feel particularly relevant for us, but we gained enough from the rest to make it well worth the read.

My Youtube review can be found at - https://youtu.be/iXE-j4N_pQo

[Ela M · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars, I might have bumped it up to 4 if I had the hard copy instead of the audiobook. It was a bit tough to follow some of the recap and reflection questions without being able to flip back and look at them, but that’s on me. It also took me a while to get through - I don’t read too many straight up therapy-style books, but this one was pretty digestible and held my interest enough to finish it after a couple months. I definitely walked away with a few helpful takeaways.

A lot of the book focused less on “fixing” specific issues and more on how to keep growing together, asking bigger-picture questions like What do you dream of for yourself? For your relationship? What do you hope to pursue together? I also appreciated that the chapter on sexual topics came last - it reinforced the idea that relationships embody so much more than sex.

The author (who also narrates the audiobook and is a licensed marriage and family therapist + certified group therapist) made the sample conversations feel realistic and casual, which I appreciated. But unfortunately I did find her voice a little annoying after a while.

A few points I bookmarked:

-Identifying core value systems: relationships, fun/play, personal growth, physical health, activism, education/career, money/financial security, spirituality/faith, mental health, family, sex.

-“You’re doing yourself a great disservice when you spend more time fighting about someone else’s truth than actually hearing it.”

-Steps to a solid apology: responsibility, remorse, reflection, repair, request.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Want This to Work is an amazing book and a must-read for people in long-term relationships. It’s also a must-read if you want to be a better person / human / friend / and partner in general.

This book is written by a relationship therapist and she breaks down some of the most common conflicts and issues that happen in long-term romantic relationships. Her extensive experience of helping those in couples therapy is very helpful. This book normalizes the fact that every couple fights or has conflict; relationships are not the picture-perfect stories we see on instagram and social media, romance novels, or rom-com movies. It was a relief to see how this book normalizes relationship conflict; it definitely made me feel less alone.

This book is inclusive to LGBTQ couples and POC couples. It covers many important, different concepts—and all of the things one should know and be aware of in a healthy relationship. As someone who loves to learn and has a big interest in psychology, emotional intelligence, and mental health, this book was right up my alley.

Some of the key concepts and themes in this book are: navigating conflict in a healthy way, just-right communication, respect and responsiveness, understanding different attachment styles, identifying and communicating needs and boundaries, and understanding and healing your trauma responses.

This book also provides thought-provoking prompts and questions in every chapter to understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship better.

Reading this book was a very eye-opening, wholesome, and healing experience for me and my boyfriend is currently reading it too. Some of the concepts in I Want This to Work were already familiar to me, but other ideas that were introduced to me were a game changer.

I highly recommend this book; every couple needs to read it. Thank you to the author for writing this book and sharing your knowledge.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much good information in this book. I love the way she breaks down relationships into these little bite size pieces so you can work your way through each piece, or skip the pieces that you have a good handle on and move to the pieces you need to work on. It was soooo full of really small examples which helped to illustrate the points, she did a really good job about including variety of couples in th e examples. I really like the approach - how traditionally relationships were much more survival/transactional and less of a back and forth partnership. People want to thrive in their relationships, and its not that this hasn't happened in the past, but its priority for more couples in this age.

Recommend for all couples, whether you are struggling or not!

[Elisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you want your relationship to work, actual work is indeed required, and this is the workbook to take on your journey with you.

Excellent, actionable read that was clearly written by a practitioner who has broken down psychological concepts to many quarreling couples. Many relationship books tend to get lost in fluff, this has so much teaching content that it took me quite a while to get through because my brain could only process so much at a time.

Would totally recommend even if you are not currently struggling in your own relationship. The new perspectives and self-reflection alone make it a worthwhile read.

[Ariel Stern · Rating 5 out of 5]

I adored this book. I am a therapist and I am constantly looking for books to recommend to my clients, this will go to the top of my list. Liz is approachable and relatable; while also providing the reader with invaluable information in a way that is both accessible for anyone while also providing a useful tool for clinicians. The journal prompts, exercises and interactive elements hit just the right note. The illustrations are also stunningly beautiful and unique. I will be returning to this book again and again.

[Elizabeth]

[11/11/21] I suspect this book is gonna elide polyamory (a search of the author's Twitter gets me zero results), but I'm interested enough from this post (a share of this Twitter thread [on IG here]) to want to get a library copy when it comes out.

[Sarah Deveau · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an exceptional primer for emotional intelligence in the context of relationships. Absolutely a must read for anyone interested in finding more peacefulness and happiness with their partner. As a long time fan of the Gottmans, and having undertaken marital counselling, it wasn’t a revelatory book, but I still gleaned new ideas and it was a fantastic refresher. I will be gifting this book at every wedding I’m invited to for a very long time. Really wonderful book.

[Sarah Steed · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not a Christian view (wasn’t expecting it to be, just notating for my own reference) but a modern view written by a therapist. Enlightening. Focus on honor of self, honor of you, honor of us. Outlines of healthy relationship functions including reflection pieces, couple conversations, and exercises to apply in your relationship. A good thing to read prior to issues to understand what the love of self and establishing boundaries are and why they are necessary in a relationship.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must-read for anyone who is in a relationship. Elizabeth is a marriage and family therapist who shares her wisdom about helping couples in this book. The content and reflection work is valuable whether one person or both partners read this book. I will continue to reference and reread this book.

[Becca Nguyen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book really helps with learning new ways to healthily communicate in all your relationships. The examples of how a safe conversation should go is very useful. I recommend this book to people learning how to interact via attachment styles.

[Janet Luke · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have loved her consumable Instagram account. Perhaps I just found this so searing to read because it brought up a lot of old stuff. Overall, very practical guide for how to have relationship healing and building conversations. Or just to come to the conclusion that to make it work is to let go. 😭

[Illysa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book with some fantastic exercises! I got this to help working with clients and I feel that many of these chapters applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. Already ordered another copy for a friend!