Conflicted Scars: An Average Player’s Journey to the NHL

by Justin Davis

An indispensable guide to parents of hockey hopefuls

At a time of great change in hockey, Justin Davis exposes the dark underbelly of the journey from the minors to the big leagues

Hockey it’s a commonly used phrase inside the game, glorifying sacrifice, toughness, loyalty, and a sense of identity. Justin Davis viewed this culture as something he was lucky enough to experience. After all, he’d won a Memorial Cup after leading the tournament in scoring, and he’d been drafted by the Washington Capitals. “In my mind,” he says, “I was the normal one.” Unfortunately, after stepping outside the game, he began to recognize the racism, sexual abuse and bullying that was so deeply ingrained in the sport. And then, as his own children grew into teenagers, the curtain was pulled back, the memories came rushing forward, and he was “Why was I naked in a bus bathroom for four hours with seven teammates? What happened to my brain, and why can’t I remember the simplest things? How did I end up living in a basement where the strangers upstairs were clearly engaged in domestic abuse?”

As it navigates the sport’s darkest corridors, Conflicted Scars shares the story of the common Canadian player and offers a guide for parents who need to know how and why a typical teenager with NHL dreams, from a small town, now lives anxiously, introvertedly, and battling emotional detachment.

Genres: Sports, Hockey, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir, Audiobook, Memoir

Audible Audio

Published November 4, 2022

Reviews

[Kristīne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hokeja nesmukā puse. Obligāts lasāmais visiem vecākiem, kuri domā, ka audzina nākamo Artūru Irbi.
Arī visiem hokeja meičukiem, kam acīs zvaigznītes no romančikiem. Būs vieglāk atšķirt lasāmu romānu no pilnīga sūda.

[Kelly (miss_kellysbookishcorner) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Title: Conflicted Scars
Author: Justin Davis
Genre: Memoir
Rating: 3.5
Pub Date: October 18, 2022

Thanks to ECW Press for sending me a physical ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.

T H R E E • W O R D S

Courageous • Introspective • Straightforward

📖 S Y N O P S I S

Justin Davis considered himself lucky to experience 'hockey culture'. But it wasn't until he stepped away from the game that he recognized the racism, sexual abuse and bullying that is so deeply ingrained within the game. Conflicted Scars unpacks Justin's journey through the ranks to professional hockey, and unearths why an average teenager with NHL dreams now lives anxiously and battles emotional detachment.

💭 T H O U G H T S

As an avid hockey fan, my interest was definitely piqued when I saw this title (despite not knowing who Justin Davis is) on an upcoming release newsletter earlier this year. Toxic hockey culture has been in the news quite a bit over the last six months here in Canada, and for me this book was an extension of all of that.

Upon finishing, I had mixed feelings. I was engaged from the first page, but as I progressed my attention waned and at times I was bored. It definitely calls into question toxic hockey culture, yet I expected more on that front. Where the story dragged is when the author got to recounting tales that didn't feel relevant, and to which I failed to connect. Maybe with a little more editing the writing would have been more impactful.

The traumatic and abusive parts were uncomfortable to get through, but absolutely necessary. He shares his thoughts and feelings, taking responsibility for his own actions. I expect this was a healing journey for Justin, as there was plenty for him to unpack. Oftentimes the horrific things are dismissed, simply being swept under the rug, and that must change. It is my hope that this is the start of player's speaking out.

Justin Davis offers a straightforward account, shining a light on the darker side of the game. I hope he succeeds in his goal of making hockey more accessible to everyone, and in helping people realize it isn't all glitz and glamour. That there is an underlying toxic culture that needs to be dismantled, and for this I commend his effort.

📚 R E C O M M E N D • T O
• hockey fans
• parents of hockey hopefuls

⚠️ CW: bullying, racism, racial slurs, sexual abuse, sexual assault, toxic relationship, misogyny, alcohol, drug use, injury/injury detail, confinement, physical abuse, mental illness, depression

🔖 F A V O U R I T E • Q U O T E S

"This is the story that kids and parents need to hear, bot the tale of the privileged career of an NHL superstar born with rare talent. My journey is a story of resilience, injury, depression, friendship, strength, family, and the future. It's a story of a 'thousandaire' who chased his hockey dream."

"Power allows people to have absolute control over those who don't have it while also robbing the powerless of their voice."

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book fascinating. Justin Davis clearly has a love for the game of hockey even with the bad experiences he has had over the years. What I took away from this book is that despite his experiences, he wants to make it accessible to all and is trying to do just that. His memories of his playing days, particularly the earlier ones, are, at times, difficult to read, but well worth getting through. I applaud him for his desire to change the toxic culture.

I received a copy from #NetGalley for an honest review.

[Terri Rowan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy stories and peeks into "closed communities" and I also enjoyed watched OHL hockey as a teen (in the author's current hometown no less!) so I was very interested to read this autobiography. Especially since, as an adult, I was struck by my just how young those OHL players look now.
It's a truthful glimpse behind the "celebrity" of the game and one I think everyone with even the smallest stake in hockey culture should get a look at

[Eala · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was such an eye opener. I'm in the UK, so ice hockey isn't as popular a sport here, but it's a sport I'm involved with. Here we seem to have diversity within the sport, certainly at junior level. Although as a family we follow ice hockey, I genuinely hadn't realised how non-inclusive it is in North America. I hadn't really noticed how much the sport is dominated by white middle class players. Now I realise that I've never seen a black ice hockey player and I am shocked at myself. It's certainly an expensive sport, but in our club we try to make it accessible by providing equipment when necessary. There was so much of interest in this book and it was a learning curve. I am grateful to Netgalley and the publisher for the chance to read this book in return for an honest unbiased review. Really glad to have read it.

[Ru · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5*

I had some mixed feelings with this book, I enjoyed most of it, felt bored by some bits, and would have liked more depths in other places.

The premise had originally grabbed me, as I find sporting memoirs of those 'journeymen' players - professionals in any sport who are far more talented and successful than 98% of the world but who aren't the top talents and superstars - far more interesting. The background and details of what life is like to keep moving and joining different teams, of aiming for the top and then finding your place elsewhere, was indeed worth the read and was a great insight into the pro hockey world.

The descriptions of the negative and sometimes hugely traumatic and abusive parts of the professional game were as necessary as they were painful to read. Davis is open about how he didn't see or accept the abusive racism that was (and is) endemic, while also laying bare the negative impact that the system pushed on young teenagers and adults. These parts of the book were the most successful for me.

What I felt lacking however was some major omissions to this assessment of the downsides if professional hockey, especially that of sexual assault committed by players. There were brief mentions of the normalisation of various misogynistic attitudes within the youth teams, but Davis somehow avoids mentioning how any of this may have impacts on the way these young men are encouraged to view and treat women. I was really expecting more here.

The book also lagged a lot for me whenever it moved into the 'hilarious anecdotes' parts. Essentially a lot of recounting of tales which I'm sure where entertaining to drunken 20 year old, but really worn thin when repeated over and again in a 'well I guess you had to be there' way, especially with Davis repeatedly saying how their frat boy behaviour was so much funnier than any 'civilian' could comprehend. Unfortunately it just ended up being repetitive and dull for me. YMMV of course!

I would still recommend this memoir for people interested in seeing more detail and backstage scenes of what it is like to be one of the mid-tier level pro hockey players, and for Davis's honest and well-intentioned attempts at facing the negative aspects of the sport that often get brushed under the carpet. I would have liked more, but I also suspect that Davis is perhaps not the person to confront it all!

Many thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC

[Carolyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an advance copy of this book. Thank you.
My son played hockey from 1st grade through High School, so this book grabbed my attention. Fortunately, my son was not the caliber player Justin Davis was, but early games, late games, long trips to get to games were a big part of our routine.
Towards the end of the book, Justin Davis writes that when he started out to write the book it was an exercise of unpacking his feelings, and that to me is how the book reads and feels. Although it's in chronological order, thoughts and memories clearly popped up and he wrote about them, so at times the book feels like it's jumping around. He writes about his good and bad times with hockey. When he talks about the bad times, I feel he's still glossing over his experiences, perhaps it's still too painful. Clearly, he also has a lot of really good memories, where he and his teammates were completely wild, free and crazy, so I understand his conflict. (These continued even after he got married, his wife must be someone very special!) Without a doubt, he missed a lot of normal growing up experiences of being a kid, going to one school, going on outings with his family etc and that took a toll, but also formed him into who he became. Remarkably, he came out of it being a good and decent person.
It seems as if his push is to help himself come to terms with his childhood, and his determination that things should and have to change in the hockey world, especially when the young people are leaving their family with their hopes and dreams. Everyone needs to know that those children's best interests should be first and foremost, not just winning a game.
I witnessed in my own hockey circle, controlling parents, striving to get their child the best exposure they could, the pressure to sign up for hockey skills clinics all the time, so your child won't fall behind, and toll the time commitment to hockey takes on everyone. I often thought it was too intense; two practices during the week and two games every weekend kills the chance for normal things like sleepovers, and going to the movies. Justin's experience was way more intense than ours, I can't even imagine.
Nothing should be all that consuming. Balance is important.

[Chantal Côté · Rating 2 out of 5]

I love hockey and everything related to it so I was happy to read this one. I was under the impression I would learn about the toxic culture of hockey and get some tips for parents into the world of hockey. I don’t think the author did succeed in his quest.

There is nothing particular about his years in hockey and he does not give many examples of what was considered toxic. He says he loved hockey but failed to explain how. He did not convince me. Wish he had shared more about being a chaplain leader in today’s hockey and what young players still face.

Unless you are a die hard fan and are interested about the culture of hockey, I don’t think you will be excited with this story.. it’s part biography, part documentary but not solid as either one.

Thank you to Netgalley ant the publisher for granting me a complimentary e-arc in exchange for my honest review.

[Scott Kersh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Living in the Southern United States, hockey is not a sport I was exposed to growing up. Since then I have discovered NHL hockey and really enjoy the game. When I had the opportunity to read Justin Davis’ story of coming up through the ranks of junior hockey I was very interested. Regardless of your level of interest or knowledge of hockey, I believe you will find this a gripping read, especially if you have been involved in youth sports.

Davis describes himself as a prospect that failed to meet expectations of NHL fame. He tells of growing up in Canada, playing hockey as a youth, and being identified as a talent worthy of the very competitive junior hockey programs in Canada. He tells of living with host families, locker room hijinks, and long road trips. There are also some dark points, like dealing with injuries and the expectations to keep playing. I was able to read in Davis’ own words how he dealt with frustration at the hazing in junior hockey and the resultant emotions.

The latter part of the book shares what Davis would do differently to fix the issues in junior hockey. His words have power because they come from someone who directly experienced both the highs and lows of a junior career. He comes across as someone that would make a very good coach for youth players.

This was a very good book. I learned about Canadian junior hockey, read some fun stories, and was prompted to think about my own children and their experiences in sport. I recommend it to anyone with an interest in sports.

I received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Kalyn OByrne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed thoughts on this book. I enjoyed some bits but felt bored and frustrated by other bits. I listened to this book so I was able to listen to it at a faster speed which I think helped with my enjoyment. I’m not sure I would have liked this in print.

There were some parents that came off entitled to me. He talked about how hard he worked and how much he sacrificed which I don’t disagree with but I think most people who try to make it as a pro in a sport sacrifice a lot. There are a lot of jobs not in sports where you have to sacrifice a lot. The way he talked about it made it seem like his sacrifice was so unique. He also talked about how much adversity he faced which I agree he faced adversity, but I was rubbed the wrong way when he said that by the time he was a teen had faced more adversity then most people face in a lifetime. Plenty of people face a lot of adversity and I just didn’t like the way he wrote that.

I like that Justin wants to make the game of hockey accessible to all and I think its important to have discussion on the bad sides of the game.

I found the title to be a little deceptive. I think the subtitle - “An Average Player’s Journey to the NHL” is a little deceptive. He was drafted by the Washington Capitals in the fourth round in 1996 but he was just invited to a few training camps and never played an NHL game. I think a better title would have been “An Average Player’s Journey to Pro Hockey'' or something similar.

Thank you to NetGalley and ECW Press for an arc of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Tom · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I like some of his story, there were three things that I found odd:

1) He and his hockey buddies were jerks. He tells stories of practical jokes that were played on unsuspecting people. Sure, gluing a loonie to the floor is one thing, but shooting paintballs near people? Intentionally pouring salt on strangers, or filling their pockets with sugar? Messing with hotel toilets so when they flush they spray people with water? Stuffing all the hotel furniture in the bathroom (all that I could think of was who would put it all back)? To him, it's a fond memory and a great story to tell in the book. To me, they come off as jerks. Now, maybe he's a much better person now, I don't know, but I don't think these stories reflect great as funny stories.

2) It almost feels like he looks down on people who didn't play hockey. Comments like "We have a saying in hockey that our 50th funniest story is a civilian's funniest story of all time."

3) He talks about how much he didn't like hockey, but it feels like that was for only a year and a half in junior. He loved playing with the 67s, playing at university, and playing overseas. Then in a men's senior league back in Canada with former players. I don't think it was explained well enough why he hated hockey, but also enjoyed it for so long. It seems to me as he loved hockey except for that 1.5 years. Maybe there should have more of a connection about how those bad times stayed with him throughout his career.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have gone back and forth with this book for almost a year until I finally decided to pick it up about a week ago. This had real potential, starting with a young boy with hockey dreams gradually turning into a bitter and cynical teenager as he is exposed to the toxicity of hockey culture. BTW, substitute any other sport for hockey and the toxic component remains the same. However, once he reached the part of his story where he was playing for Ottawa, the book becomes an extended version of "what I did on my summer vacation," with story after story about grown men behaving like feral children. A missed opportunity to say something important about hockey culture continuing to be a toxic soup of racism, bigotry, misogyny, and hyper-masculinity and offering some real solutions. Why he would allow his son to be a part of that absolutely baffles me. It was like the last half of the book was written with him wearing rose-colored glasses. 2.5

[Shelley Marushak Langelaar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wanted to rate this a 5 star - however at times it became a bit too repetitive for me. I am a hockey fan and grew up in a household where hockey was central. I applaud Justin Davis for calling out the toxicity that is found behind the scenes in hockey cultural. It is sad to know that it begins pretty much at the beginning of play and carries through to pro hockey. I believe this brave telling of his story will help parents navigate the road when they put their children in hockey. It makes me wonder if there are parallels to other sports.

Thank you to NetGalley for an advanced copy of this story. My review is an honest review.

[Thorneyb · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very interesting book. There were parts that dragged for me but I think it gave a great insight into the hockey world. I’ve had my own perspective as a hockey mom and my theory has always been that everyone has two of themselves - regular world self and hockey self. Sometimes those personalities are the same, but sometimes they can be very different.
It important to keep perspective on what’s important.
I recommend this one - for those that have any interest in the hockey world.

[Catherine · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m a hockey mum in the UK so this book appealed to me. As ice hockey isn’t the big sport in the UkK as it is in the USA and Canada I was hoping for more of an insight to behind the scenes.
Unfortunately the author failed to take me on the journey with him. His anecdote’s were particularly funny. The abuse and the racism concerning.
However this book became a DNF for me.
Many thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for the opportunity to see an ARC

[Greg Hill · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for parents or guardians of young and aspiring athletes. This book could not have come out at a better time. The author pulls back the curtain on antiquated ideas surrounding masculinity and esotericism in post-modern sport. It's the dawn of a new era where kids shouldn't be pushed into athletic arenas to fulfill parents long-lost glory days. Kudos to the bravery of the author for honestly and succinctly addressing areas often glazed over or ignored for far too long.

[Gloria · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an avid hockey fan this was an interesting book to listen to. Justin talks about the toxic culture within a hockey organization, while not that surprising, was still shocking to hear. Some of the hazing he talks about is wild. I think it’s a great starting point to help facilitate the convo on how to better not only hockey but other sports organizations too.

[Veronica Gimpel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is written well, simplistic at times. Subject matter is as stated in the name conflicting. The deep and the dark of Hockey is uncomfortable and his turmoil was real and was well conveyed. To face the demons of his past and try to be part of the change in hockey is commendable. I did not give it a 5 star review because the book read flat at times. Still worth the read.

[George · Rating 4 out of 5]

Didn’t know Justin Davis from a hole in the wall when he played. However this book was excellent.

As a former coach and University level player, and a parent of players, I have seen far too much of coaches in it only to win, parents who are just out of control, etc.

Davis saw a thousand times more than what I have ever experienced and articulated it well

[Bradley Proctor · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very useful and informative read for those players and parents of players striving to play major junior in Canada. Although I would like to think the proverbial times have changed, something tells me that they haven’t completely. Very courageous to write this book and name some of the problematic teams.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little too many hockey descriptions but important thoughts on hockey culture. He also didn’t talk about the abuse inflicted on « civilians » by hockey teams/members. Perhaps that was too scary to bring up but certainly a light scolding on hockey culture when there’s clear room for full reprimands

[Merissa King · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating look inside hockey culture and the damage it can do to young men and women. It was written honestly and simply in a meaningful way, and I think it’s incredibly important that Justin shared his experience to help drive change.

[Vicki · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Katy Brunkard · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for any parent who has a child in minor hockey. Echoed many of my own personal beliefs about the sport.

[Jason Yeung · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.87

[Ontario Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye opening look at his life in hockey. Very good.

[Paige Stewart · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not a work of art, and a bit redundant, but a necessary read for any parent or young adult to help prepare them to understand the influence of power and the scope of naïveté while entering unknown worlds.
I was at the Memorial cup and witnessed Justin and Matt’s overtime goal…it’s was a joy to witness that tournament.
I hope Justin can feel like he did some good and that he can move on after this publication.

[Inge | the Literate Pig · Rating 5 out of 5]

Damn, this book covers some hard-hitting but necessary topics. It’s a great mix between personal stories growing up in (professional) sports, and reflection about what actually happend and what to make of it with the knowledge we have nowadays.

“I loved 95% of the game. I miss that part of it every day. But the other 5%? That part has damaged me more than the 95% ever helped me.”

I choked up. My own career as a professional athlete left me with so many mixed feelings and nobody is ever talking about the impact of the downside of this. Thank you Justin 🙏

Just because it's what's always done doesn't mean it's what should be done. Opening up and acknowledging this is the first step to a saver environment for future athletes.

You need to know (at least a little) hockey in order to read this.