Connections over Compliance: Rewiring Our Perceptions of Discipline

by Lori L. Desautels

The developing brains of our children need to "feel" safe.

Children who carry chronic behavioral challenges are often met with reactive and punitive practices that can potentially reactivate the developing stress response systems.

This book deeply addresses the need for coregulatory and relational touch point practices, shifting student-focused behavior management protocols to adult regulated brain and body states which are brain aligned, preventive, and relational discipline protocols. This new lens for discipline benefits all students by reaching for sustainable behavioral changes through brain state awareness rather than compliance and obedience.

Genres: Education, Parenting, Nonfiction, Professional Development, Teaching, Psychology, Counselling

Audible Audio

Published December 19, 2023

Reviews

[Sierra Vinton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for anyone who works with kids! I originally listened to the book, which is a great way to dive in and get the information, but 25% of the book is resources, so I will be purchasing it soon!

[Monique · Rating 5 out of 5]

So incredibly spot on and helpful, a must read for any teacher wanting to be trauma-responsive in their teaching. This book is not simply an intellectual exercise, although brain science and research is addressed, but is also full of practical applications for the classroom and for accommodations and modifications to help children. There is also the all-important focus on the work beginning with us, the adults. It seems to me that the focus is the lower school grades (perhaps elementary through middle school), but the information can be adapted for preschool and probably older students as well. I will always have this book close by to assist me with ideas for regulation and in making plans for accommodations.

[Ken · Rating 2 out of 5]

Nothin wrong with the content, but sometimes these educational books feel like someone has one good idea and is trying to latch it onto every hot topic of the day.

[Brit (britlovestoread)]

Helpful and important info

[Sammy Kominiarek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really helpful strategies, but the book was super redundant

[Ariel Bullinger · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think the world would be a much better place if every educator and parent and maybe human? read this book. It has a lot of brain science and trauma science that you can find in other sources, but it's nice to have it all in one place. It is written for teachers, so many things don't necessarily directly apply outside of the school setting, but it's still good information to have as a caregiver. The most valuable parts, I think, are the appendices in the back but, fair warning, they don't translate well to audiobook form. Would definitely recommend reading this book vs. listening to it.

[Hope Lindner · Rating 4 out of 5]

"What kind of world has this student inherited?"

Fantastic. So many resource options.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

I, personally, wanted a little more from this than I got but it’s still very informative and helpful if you work with kids from trauma backgrounds.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and had a lot of great strategies for co regulation and checking in with your own brain state. I wish more teachers would read this book.

[rosal_e · Rating 2 out of 5]

Full disclosure: DNF
I like the concept, but it gets lost in the very technical writing style. Maybe it would have gotten to the more applicable (less theoretical) content later on? I ran out of time and couldn't renew the library audiobook (but also realized I didn't care to anyway.)

[Delaney Towers · Rating 5 out of 5]

One literary element I believe Connections over Compliance used well was the style of argumentative essay that it was written due to the fact that it did not feel like the author was trying to write a five-paragraph argumentative essay but she had a way of disciplining students that she wanted to provide evidence for so that teachers would use it and attempt to curb any behavioral issues that were affecting students. I would say that another literary element, perhaps not as great, that was included in this book was definitely bias because this book only talked about the positive aspects of social emotional learning and promoted only one approach to disciplining students without much input from a different perspective or examples of when this approach did not actually help to curb disruptive behavior. Something that this book did really well was providing context, which I personally did not know was a literary element, but I appreciated the evidence that was provided to support this theory of disciplining students as well as the background knowledge that explained why we, as future educators, even needed to look at a different approach. Before reading this book, I understood that there was a discipline problem in the schools but I had only heard about the treatment of minority students in relation to issues such as the school-to-prison pipeline. I had no idea how to even go about fixing these obstacles to student success or even that trauma responses or social emotional learning had anything to do with the negatives of our current discipline approach.
As I mentioned before, I really did enjoy reading this book because I learned a lot and I loved that there were specific methods that could be used in a classroom setting that were made easily accessible and even had success stories from other teachers that had used them in their teaching career. I appreciated this because, as I stated before, I did not know how to go about remedying the current discipline problems that exist in the education system, as someone who was simply going into the classroom and not policy, but I now feel that I have a grasp on certain techniques that I can implement in my own classroom. I do think, however, that the author’s writing style of a more argumentative approach was great for making the importance of this approach appear vital but was lacking in showing a different perspective that may not agree with this approach or showing qualitative or quantitative evidence that may not support these techniques that are based in social emotional learning. I also did not love the amount of data that was included in this book because, at times, it felt impersonal and it was hard to read when getting through passages that lacked differentiation and only had quantitative evidence. This element truly did not work for me because I am someone that needs to feel engaged by the text that they are reading, as do most readers, and I definitely felt myself zoning off in these sections.
Despite the negatives, I did love reading this book and I cannot emphasize that enough because I truly think it helped me to grow as a future educator and grew my confidence about the fact that I am entering into my own classroom as the sole teacher in about a year. The resource section at the back of this book was a great addition and definitely earned it a spot in my classroom library! While there are things that could have been improved upon, as stated above, I am grateful that I selected this book and that my group and I were able to have interesting discussions on this topic because I don’t think it is talked about enough when preparing future teachers and it absolutely should be given the harm that it can cause students.
What made me want to read this book, in all honesty, was that it had amazing reviews on Amazon and it actually had the best reviews of any other book that we were able to select for this project. I do think that the title did intrigue me as well and, after reading this book, I would argue that this is the perfect title for a book that emphasizes student-teacher relationships and student voice over forcing students to interact and engage in the classroom in a specific way. There was no summary on the cover but Mona Delahooke, who has a Ph.D., and wrote Beyond Behaviors, stated that this book was “Transformational! A paradigm shift in education based in relational neuroscience” which as someone who loves psychology definitely intrigued me as a potential reader. I have always been interested in how the brain works and took AP Psychology in high school but have had the opportunity to only take one educational psychology course and this book definitely fulfilled a craving that I had started to develop for more content based in the neurological perspective.
I would infer, without having any real reason, that this author wrote this book because it truly seems to be her interest given that “Lori was an Assistant Professor at Marian University in Indianapolis where she founded the Educational Neuroscience Symposium, currently in its eighth year, attracting the foremost experts in the fields of educational neuroscience, trauma and adversity.” It does seem to be a stand-alone book, meaning that it is not a sequel, but I would love to read more of the work that she has written! She has written four other books from 2012 and wrote one even more recently than this book titled Intentional Neuroplasticity. J.T. Coopman, who has an educational doctorate, and is the executive director of IAPPS, stated that “Dr. Lori Desautels gives us insight into the possibilities of a new paradigm for operationalizing the effects of adverse childhood experiences” which supports my belief that she will continue to be a force in this field of educational psychology. I have not read any of her other books but given her area focus and as I stated above, I would love to continue to explore works from this author!
This book focused on the fact that it is important to regulate your own actions as a teacher and that students often have a reason for acting out. It suggested in one section to use an ACE test which expanded my knowledge as to what is considered traumatic for students because it discusses aspects of experiences that I would not normally think could be a stressor that impacts a child’s life. It also emphasizes, throughout the text, that student relationships should be fostered from day one to ensure that discipline is not the first time a relationship is attempted to be established. The biggest takeaway that truly blew my mind, however, was that disciple means to teach and that we have gotten away from that with our discipline practices. The traditional form of discipline works best for the students who need it the least and works the least for the students who need it the most.
It also continued to look at the teacher-student relationship by emphasizing that touch points are extremely important when trying to form a relationship with a student and that it is extremely important for leaders in the school community, whether that be administration or informal leaders, to showcase the importance of social emotional learning.

[Christina Marsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot say enough good about this book! If you are an educator or work with children at all, you need to read this book. All the counselors at my school are reading it along with admin as a book club training because it’s that good.

[Kara Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many great strategies! I should have bought the book rather than listened to the audio.

[taylor ❤️‍🔥]

no rating since i read this for a book study / work 😌

[Avery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Connections Over Compliance was such a moving and overall great read. The author is able to share experiences and evidence in so many different ways to help support the idea that our schools have very broken and problematic discipline systems. A major literary element that I noticed was her use of dialogue. There are many times throughout the book in which we observe a conversation between two parties (teacher to teacher, teacher to student, student to student, etc.), and rather than just a recap of what happened, we are thrown directly into the conversation. I loved this because reading the dialogue rather than a recap felt more moving and definitely had a bigger impact on me. For example, the story about June that was spread throughout the book was really moving; we get to see the dialogue between an unregulated student and an unregulated teacher and all of the raw, real, frustration and anger that is erupting from the both of them. Then we get to listen to a conversation between the two when they are each more regulated and it is so clear the importance of being regulated when interacting with others and understanding not only your own triggers, but your students as well. The use of dialogue and real-life experiences was truly a strength of this book.
Another literary element that really takes this book up a notch was the use of perspective and different points of view. A major issue in our discipline systems is that they are so overtaken by biases, stereotypes, and personal beliefs. Addressing and becoming more aware of different perspectives is a vital step in improving how we interact with others, our students especially; I think that this is done very well throughout the book as we don’t only hear from the perspectives and experiences of different teachers, but the students as well. I especially love how the author tackles how educators can have biases towards their students with the story on page 95 titled “Who Would Have Thought?: The Resilience of a Principal and a School Shooter”. I love how after each paragraph, the perspective changed between the principal and student as they were both working through their stories, experiences, emotions, and bias. It was extremely powerful and well-written by the two (the principal and student are the authors). It is a perspective we don’t hear much of, even in this time when shootings are unfortunately appearing more and more; I think it is an important perspective to hear, especially from a student, in hopes for prevention.
Lastly, I felt that each chapter was also well-paced. It was always just enough where I, as a reader, could really soak in and engage with the stories I was reading, the lessons I was learning, and all of the new strategies I can integrate into my future classroom. One thing I’ll note as a minor weakness was that often when charts, questionnaires, or strategies appeared in the middle of a chapter, it broke my focus and made my reading experience a little more choppy but overall, not a big deal. I feel like maybe it could’ve been presented at the end of the chapter or at the end of the book, but again, just a personal preference.
When it came to choosing what book I wanted to read for class, the title of this book immediately drew me in. As a preservice teacher, I don’t have a lot of classroom experience or experience with discipline. Within my few experiences, however, I have realized that my classroom management skills are rather lacking but I’m not one who likes to yell, punish, or kick students out. I was hoping that with “Connections Over Compliance” I could learn how to better manage my future classroom in a way that valued student experiences and voices and moved away from the more traditional forms of discipline that plague our schools.
Spoiler: this is the perfect book for just that! In this book, we get an in-depth look at the importance and impact of co-regulatory practices and meaningful relationships within not just the classroom, but our school districts as a whole, staff included. We are taught countless methods that push away from the traditional discipline systems that damage our students and instead push for more awareness on how our brains work, how we can connect with students, and how we can care for ourselves as educators to better work with students. This book was empowering to me as it showed me I can create change in my classroom and district. It made me feel supported with the stories of struggle and success. I definitely recommend this book to anyone who wants to see change and wants to support their students and teach their students skills that will help them even outside of school. Like Natalie said in her review, “The resource section alone makes this a must-read for any education professional.” Such an incredible book and resource that I am blessed to have come across!

[Em]

There were a variety of literary elements used throughout the book. One that I noticed was bias, which is present in all human works. While the author did make good points about their research and experiences, they did not include very much information from the other side. Another element that the author used would be the argumentative essay. The book had a variety of points that it laid out very well and defended. The author provided evidence and reasoning for why they believed what they did. One other literary element that was used was audience. The author knows that primarily those who are in the field of education will be reading the book, so they referenced things that would be known by the audience.
Overall, I really enjoyed how the book was written. The author got their points across very well, and I was interested to know what was happening as I was reading. The way that they framed what they were talking about with stories, such as the story about a student named June, helped me to understand. The book was not just a giant block of text that had extremely detailed scientific terminology. While the terminology is in the book, it is not overwhelming. One thing that I wish was different about the book was the way that information was presented. The information about how scenarios can escalate if the teacher does not remain calm is very important, but I feel there wasn’t enough of these. While it was not just a dense text full of unfamiliar terminology, I found myself struggling to read at bits because I was more invested in the personal stories that were there. Again, the story told about June was broken up with information between, but I just wanted to know what happened. It made reading and processing the important information a bit harder.
I read this because I feel that the topic is not talked about enough. I am currently going through a social studies education program, and we needed to pick a book to read for a class book club. Out of the choices offered, I felt that this book seemed like it would be the most interesting and useful one to me. The reviews for the book seem to also support what I was feeling. For example, Tracy Stephens wrote, “I highly recommend this book to teachers of elementary and middle school students! It’s got a lot of great neuroscience in it, but it’s through the lens of education. It also has a TON of concrete ideas to use with students.” I have not read other works by this author, but they have written four other books. This does seem like a stand alone book.
This book focuses on the idea that students cannot regulate their own emotions if the teacher is not regulating the teacher’s own personal emotions. There were also talks about how often students come to the classroom with their own traumas. These traumas often make traditional discipline ineffective on these students. The author emphasizes the idea that teachers should focus less on traditional discipline and more on building a relationship with students to effectively help them understand why they are doing these behaviors and how to prevent them from happening.
I would recommend this book to others, especially those interested in the field of education or on the reason why people may lash out. As with every work there are weaknesses, this book still has very important topics and was written in a very compelling manner.

[Eli Norman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Overall, this book is a solid read and a well-written guide to more effective classroom management. One literary element that aids author Lori Desautels’ writing is her focus on dialogue. A lot of examples and excerpts in the text use dialogue between students and teachers as a basis for Desautels’ examples. The use of dialogue makes the book easy-to-read as well as enjoyable to read. The use of dialogue also aids another literary element that Desautels uses, evidence. Desautels backs up her findings and advice with statistical as well as anecdotal evidence. Desautels’ prolific use of evidence aids the reader's understanding of the book because it shows how her arguments can and do work in the classroom. Lastly, she utilizes the argumentative literature element of ethos to solidify her positing. Desautels utilizes her position as a trusted professional researcher in the field of education to present her arguments with a respectable degree of authority. Her ethos and authority throughout the book are felt and beckons the reader to listen and truly turn over and think about the information being presented and what to do with it. Furthermore, I enjoyed the element of dialogue the most because Desautels implemented it so smoothly and how well it aided my understanding of the text. Although the book was not my favorite, simply because a lot of the information being presented felt like repeated information from college classes, it was not because of any specific literary elements. Furthermore, my boredom towards the material is likely a personal taste and this book would be more beneficial for someone who has not had classes on this subject, like a parent. I was drawn to this book by its cover and content. I am interested in how to effectively manage the classroom because that is one of my largest worries about becoming a teacher. I plan on utilizing a lot of the different classroom management techniques in this book, like journaling, and determining how effective they are through trial and error. This book made me feel more confident about being a teacher and I felt it was very helpful for child management strategies in general. Furthermore, it helped provide me with more evidence to defend how I view students and my classroom management techniques. It also helps provide evidence to strip back the negative stereotypes of problem students and the education program that are being pushed by the news and movies like Stand and Deliver and Detachment.

[Jill McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

Connections Over Compliance by Dr. Lori L. Desautels is a book I’ve been reading as a part of a book study at school. This book offers a wealth of information, insight and practical suggestions for teachers, support staff, administrators, and parents to support and encourage all children, but specifically how to address “discipline”. The book begins by contrasting traditional discipline with discipline built on an educational neuroscience framework. Dr. Desautels explains the pitfalls in the traditional system that result in failure for the most vulnerable students. Dr. Desautels gently guides the reader to shift our perceptions of children’s behaviors and discipline from an outdated view that sees all behaviors as choices to a perspective based on modern neuroscience, attachment, trauma, and developmental research. Brain-aligned relational discipline embraces the knowledge and  understanding that discipline is an expression of a compassionate presence, warm demanding, and guidance without coercion. Dr. Desautels supports her belief that  consistency, compassion, and comprehensive learning about how 
our brains operate have a direct impact on student well-being through real-life examples. She explains the concepts, then provides tools, strategies and stories of how the application of an educational neuroscience framework benefits students and teachers alike. She often quotes Dr. Bruce Perry and other experts in the field of neuroscience and child-development. Dr. Desautels does an excellent job of translating complicated neuroscience concepts into language that is immediately accessible. She makes the information real and applicable through examples and a wealth of resources. I give this book 5 brains: 🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠

[Eleanor Jones · Rating 1 out of 5]

1.5 Stars

This book often felt more like an encyclopedia of breathing exercises than a book about discipline in schools. As a naturally calm teacher, it also didn’t necessarily offer me very much.

The author also tends to get repetitive as well. The first two or three chapters was essentially the same paragraph about covid 19 and inequality regurgitated over and over again.

I did find the information about trauma and the brain interesting, but that was maybe 5% of the book. I also enjoyed the little bit we got about Early Childhood Education because of my past with working in ECE. A lot of the strategies, however, seemed like they would only take to elementary school kids. I have a hard time seeing my teenagers buy into many of the techniques. Some of them would be possible, but it would take a large structural change of the school environment from a admin or even district level for a teacher to actually access the benefits.

And there’s absolutely no way an English teacher has the ability to take a nice trip to the faculty lounge “regulation techniques bulletin board” for a nice strategy to use when their 15 year old student flips a desk over and calls her the B word on the second floor. Not very practical. Oh yeah and the suggestion that staff have a DAILEY meeting to get to know each other and discuss regulation techniques. No thanks I don’t have time for that. Those moments in the book made me question if the author was ever an actual teacher.

If you’re the type of teacher who doesn’t have a lot of patience for dealing with difficult adolescence you could definitely benefit from this read. My guess though is that kind of teacher doesn’t care enough to read a whole book on the subject.

[Samantha Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

While parts of this book did feel a bit repetitive, I think it's because it's central themes are crucial for educators and parents to understand: the brain is connection seeking, regulating children HAS to start with a calm and regulated adult, traditional discipline strategies are not addressing the chronic behaviors we see in schools, and we have to provide a sense of safety and calm before any discipline or growth can happen.

I loved this book as a teacher, counselor, and parent. I come from a more traditional discipline background, but working with students if all ages I see the ways that traditional discipline fails our most hurting students.

This book is great at explaining the way neuroscience can inform education practices in language that makes it easy to understand for non-nueriscientists. I love the focus on regulating ourselves as adults, seeking out opportunities for connections, and teaching students about their own neuroanatomy so they are empowered to harness their own neuroplasticity.

Lots of great practical resources in the resource section. I read this on my lunch break at school and it helped me regulate and show up as the best version of myself for my students, as well as reminding me to look out for opportunities for connection.

As someone who has always believed teaching children starts with connection and requires regulation, I'd recommend this book even if you're already an expert. It's just more reinforcement that the effort your are making to connect and co-regulate with students is best practice!

[Merrie Hildebrand · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovingly written. Clearly explains relationship between childhood experiences and observed behaviors in the classroom. I listened on audiobook and may be seeking a hard copy since some of the info was hard to conceptualize without seeing it written in a table. Great ideas for promoting regulation strategies. I’m not sure if it’s practical for a lot of over worked teachers and other educators, but books like this are a huge start, especially with a vulnerable author, such as Desautels.

I can’t express how wonderful it is to have resources on using neurodiversity affirming and non compliance based approaches. It’s so wonderful to learn I was not alone since I used to work through more of a behavioral lens. No more needless punishment when we are connection seeking! I’m still learning, but through the learning process, I’m healing from within as well.

Personal note(s):
Abbot elementary growth of becoming a “Trauma sensitive” school in chapter 1 is an amazing anecdote for changes that can be made in a school, and I love that term over “trauma informed” in some cases.

Neuroplasicity is a superpower

Individuals who need the MOST connection will ask for it in the most unlovely ways (I.e., “bad behaviors”) since they are coming from a place of pain

So from what are they doing wrong? to why are the responding this way to the situation?

Reflection on why triggering child behaviors are affecting oneself is helpful

[Abby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal! This 1,000% aligns with my beliefs and priorities as an educator: the power of relationships, the neuroscience!, deeply trauma informed, sensory centered, early childhood education (including prevention), behavior as communication, approaching with curiosity, PBIS & MTSS and TCI-S aligned, etc. The author did a great job interweaving research, science, and personal accounts from a variety of voices. She provides practical solutions that range from easy, small time to big, heavy time, in addition to systematic solutions - at the school level & greater societal systems. She tackles race, bias, and poverty head on which is essential with this topic. She covers all age ranges, but I did notice her practical ideas are a bit more early childhood/youngest learner focused (am I just tuned into that more because that’s what my focus?); all of her mindset shifts and challenges to your thinking are applicable for all. This should be a required read for anyone who works with kids in any capacity.

[Katy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book as part of a district-wide PD initiative and was initially optimistic about its strategies. The content itself is decent—practical in some situations—but it's certainly not a one-size-fits-all solution.

During our final PD session, our admin hired Ms. Desautels to speak, and I was genuinely excited to ask a thoughtful question about how to adapt her methods for a student with oppositional defiant disorder and intermittent explosive disorder (diagnosed by a psychologist). Unfortunately, I was met with a dismissive response: “We don’t give labels,” which felt more like a chastisement than an attempt to engage. It was disappointing, especially when I was hoping for insight, not judgment.

While the book offers some helpful strategies, the lack of flexibility and unwillingness to address real-world complexities left me underwhelmed. I would have given 2.5 stars if possible, but I’m rounding up.

[Amanda Kerrigan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Connections Over Compliance: Rewriting Our Perceptions of Discipline is a true paradigm shift about the way schools manage student behavior. The book is grounded in the Neurosequential Model for Education which teaches, using brain science, that students cannot learn when they are dysregulated. I love NME because it explains why this is the case. This book gives lots of systems and strategies for schools and teachers to use in order to take back the idea of discipline. Discipline means to teach/ make disciples…not to punish! The focus is on co-regulation…something I have learned through parenting a child with anxiety. If schools followed these ideas, kids would learn so much more! I give this book 🧠🧠🧠🧠🧠!

[Kylie Spence · Rating 3 out of 5]

My colleagues at work are reading this for a book study in our school/district. Though I wasn't able to participate in the book study I read it. This is a professional development book on trauma-informed practices in education. It focuses on reshaping our perceptive on discipline in schools and focusing more on connection. It was informative in many ways. I wouldn't only recommend to educators but parents as well. I struggle with academic reading a lot but I do want to make it a goal to read one peofessional or personal development book each month!

[Kylie Spence · Rating 3 out of 5]

My colleagues at work are reading this for a book study in our school/district. Though I wasn't able to participate in the book study I read it. This is a professional development book on trauma-informed practices in education. It focuses on reshaping our perceptive on discipline in schools and focusing more on connection. It was informative in many ways. I wouldn't only recommend to educators but parents as well. I struggle with academic reading a lot but I do want to make it a goal to read one peofessional or personal development book each month!

[Holly Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very practical and applicable to many educational settings. As a district administrator on a team that supervises the implementation of MTSS-B/PBIS programs in over 100 schools in an urban setting, I found this book very helpful in maximizing the effectiveness of the tiered interventions I support in classrooms. In a time of increased dysregulation for students and staff, this book is a must.

[Lisa Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is absolutely outstanding. There are so many great resources and so many “mind checks” as I like to call them, for someone who works with children or even teens. I highly recommend this to ANYONE who works with youth in any capacity at all. Parenthood, teacher, youth worker, counsellor, anything. We can all learn something from this book!

[Rae · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book has a lot of useful information. However, it is VERY classroom and teacher focused. Awesome guidebook for teachers, and everyone can learn something, but I do wish it was more general. Because it was written so specially to a classroom, it was hard for me to keep up the energy to generalize it and make it work for my experiences with children.

[Tansey Kurth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am School Social Worker/Psychotherapist and I thought this was a fantastic read with loads of practical applications for educators, administrators, parents, and other supportive adults working with kids from hard places. Anyone working with children or adults would benefit from reading this wonderful resource. The language was accessible and the strategies clear and relevant.