Don't Read This Book: Book 1 of The Convention of Fiends

by Benjamin Gorman

Magdalena Wallace is the greatest writer in the world. She just doesn't know it. When she wakes up chained to a desk next to a stack of typed pages and the corpse of the person who read them, she learns just how dangerous her book can be. Rescued by a vampire, a werewolf, and a golem, she's on the run with the manuscript — and the fate of humanity — in her backpack, and a whole lot of monsters hot on her heels!

Genres: Fantasy

Audible Audio

Published May 7, 2024

About the author

Benjamin Gorman is a high school English teacher. He lives in Independence, Oregon with his partner, bibliophile and guillotine aficionado Chrystal. His first novel was The Sum of Our Gods, followed by Corporate High School, then The Digital Storm, then The Convention of Fiends, Book 1: Don’t Read This Book, and, most recently, The Convention of Fiends, Book 2: You Were Warned. He's also the author of two poetry collections, When She Leaves Me and This Uneven Universe. He believes in human beings and the power of their stories. He places his confidence in his students and the world they will choose to create if given the chance.

For a much more extensive biography, click here!

Reviews

[Benjamin Gorman · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wrote it. I think it's pretty dang good, but my blurbers think it's even better!

[Karen Eisenbrey · Rating 5 out of 5]

At once hilarious and heartbreaking, this novel uses fantasy monsters and rollicking comedy to make sophisticated philosophical and political points about identity and meaning. A tall order that Don’t Read This Book fulfills, and then some.

The story is set in our familiar world, but with one difference: all the monsters and magical creatures of myth and legend are real, hiding among humans … and preying on them. They have long ago formed a governing body with rules that prevent the various creature factions from attacking each other. They meet annually in Las Vegas for a convention. Bel (vampire) and Nando (werewolf) are buddy cops, tasked with capturing and punishing monsters who break the rules. But now they have a new unofficial assignment: rescue a kidnapped human writer and keep her—and her manuscript—away from the necromancer who would use this book to destroy modern civilization.

It would be a spoiler to reveal why he believes a novel could do this, but it has a lot to do with what gives life meaning and how that differs depending on who you are. Lena, the writer in question, exists at an intersection of identities: Black, Latina, lesbian, Millennial…Oregonian. She begins the story full of doubt and fear but under the influence and protection of her unlikely rescuers, she rediscovers her voice and power. Her heartbreaks and triumphs felt real and I couldn’t help rooting for her.

In addition to Las Vegas, Gorman makes good use of real-life settings in Ireland, Wales, Scotland, England, and France for scenes of narrow escapes and monster battles. Also like the real world, his monster population includes literal internet trolls, flinging flaming poo and thriving on chaos. Most real of all, it takes all the good guys working together to achieve their goal. Still, my favorite character and the true hero of the piece is Josef, a faceless clay golem who punches Nazis. Go, Josef!

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

This romp of a novel takes a strong female protagonist and puts her through rambunctious trials including kidnapping and encounters with werewolves and vampires, yet ultimately reveals itself to be a contemporary commentary on culture, oppression and the very nature of survival. Read this book twice—once for the fantastical tale and once for the deeper observations.

Kim Cooper Findling, author of The Sixth Storm and Day Trips from Portland

[Sydney Culpepper · Rating 5 out of 5]

Benjamin Gorman’s newest novel, DON’T READ THIS BOOK is ironically a must-read. The “book” in the title refers to the book Magdalena Wallace has written—the book within the book.

This book is smart, determined, and filled with really stunning prose. It delves into questions of humanity, revenge vs. justice, and the intersectionality if oppressed identities all while tackling a brilliantly written supernatural world.

But what I loved most of all is Lena, the main character. She’s a Black, Latina lesbian woman, and it matters. She and this book are perfect examples of how diversity adds to and shapes a story—and may even save it in the end.

I’m so glad I ignored the title, because it’s maybe one of the best books I’ve read!

[Flaming · Rating 1 out of 5]

It's totally jarring. At every opportunity, Gorman seems intent to create a world that doesn't exist.

Right off the bat, the naming sucks. Who in their right mind names a red-headed, lesbian vampire "Jezebel"? Answer: the same guy who names a Caribbean lesbian "Magdalena". Magdalena is a name used in Slavic cultures (not Caribbean), and she's a whore. So, two of the three main protagonists are lesbian whores - we haven't left the first page, yet. Magdalena would have been better served with the name, "Maria," which would have served her ethnicity as well as give a nod to her importance, her innocence and confronted the stigma porn has left on modern American culture, that all lesbians are whores, for the sexual gratification of men.

We start the story with amnesia and assault. The main character's amnesia allows the other characters to info-dump to the audience all the backstory needed (because Gorman isn't a competent enough author to show, not tell). Magdalena then continues throughout the story as the audience's stand-in, in a world she never knew existed - think Luke Skywalker in A New Hope. (But, comparing George Lucas to Benjamin Gorman is an affront to all good storytelling.)

Gorman opens the book with Jezebel striking and slapping a shackled and unconscious Magdalena, and Magdalena falling, immediately, in love with the woman brutalizing her. Now, I've heard that Stockholm Syndrome does not need weeks and weeks to develop, but this is absurd. What would have been a better way to open the book? Magdalena waking to Jezebel checking to see if Magdalena is still alive or being unshackled, and Jezebel hushing her, whispering that she's there to help get her out of there. She'll explain everything, as soon as they're out of the bad guy's lair, then let the lesbian romance blossom as they spend more and more time together on the run. Magdalena doesn't have amnesia, she's just, naturally, unaware of her saviors and naive to the world of monsters inhabiting her planet.

But ultimately, the main theme of the book is the most repulsive. Benjamin Gorman sees himself as a White Savior. He is Jezebel and Nando to the audience's Magdalena. He stands between this lowly human and the powerful evil monsters that want to exploit her abilities and voice. He is her Savior and she is rightfully thankful. Yes, he confesses - like the good White Savior he is - he is inferior to the audience's gay, Black, Latino, female wonderfulness, but without HIM, standing up the monsters, she would be the monsters' slave. Yes, he is also a monster, but he's "A Good Monster." Thus, the audience is bidden, which are you? One of the oppressed who must thank your savior Good Monsters, a Good Monster who saves the lowly humans who can't survive without you, or an evil Monster?

Ultimately, it's shit - from cover to close

[HRF · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you liked the Twilight or Harry Potter novels and thought, "This would be so much better if told in BLACKFACE!" This is the book for you!

Yet again, Benjamin Gorman - a straight, white Jewish man, has slathered himself in black, gay, latino, female shoe polish to tell a horribly cliched and poorly written "story." His work is filled with trashy tropes that have bombed a thousand times before, and he's still not skilled enough to make a single one work. If it wasn't enough that his ancestors bought and sold the bodies of Africans; today, he continues the appalling theme and sells the stories of those of African descent.

Don't let the shoe polish fool you. It's just another trope-y, skin-suit wearing, white slaver profiting off of enslaved voices. Skip.

[Keasha M · Rating 4 out of 5]

So this was an interesting book, many different layers to this one. The main plot is that a necromancer is manipulating the monsters to create a book that will kill the readers/humans to deescalate the population by 10%. So he has an author kidnapped and drugged to write this book, but she's been freed by opposing monsters and they have to keep her and the book safe. It takes an interesting turn at the end that I didn't think would happen.
It's got a darker and unique humor than most books and while there are sexual relationships that happen within the book it is not a big part of the book.

[Chrystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

This novel is witty, timely, and laugh-out-loud funny in a uniquely Irreverent way. The first in a trilogy, I am eagerly awaiting the next installment.