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How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real
A sanity-saving guide that cuts through the sky-high expectations of modern love and helps you build healthier and more fulfilling relationships, from the creator of viral Instagram account YourDiagnonsense
“Witty, practical, fun, and deeply honest.”—Terrence Real, New York Times bestselling author of Us
You’re not crazy. You’re human.
Modern love is a mess and life is (spoiler alert!) very hard. Whether you’re in a committed relationship or on the apps, buckle up, there’s a lot to unlearn.
How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind is your guide to sanity in a culture gone mad. Psychotherapist and sex therapist Todd Baratz blends sharp humor with raw insight as he challenges us to break every rule about love. It’s time to move beyond the relentless pursuit of the perfect partner, to challenge the stigma against neediness, and to rethink our obsession with diagnosing common challenges as disorders.
Instead, he offers an empowering new Embrace challenges, feel deeply, make mistakes, learn, and grow. Drawing from his extensive experience as both a therapist and a patient, Baratz shares stories of navigating his personal traumas and guiding others through theirs.
This book is an invitation to understand your life as part of a larger cultural narrative. It encourages you to delve into your history, cultivate self-awareness, and take responsibility in your relationships. By doing so, you can move beyond the fairy tale and transform your approach to love.
* This audiobook edition includes a downloadable PDF of resources and a key visual aid from the book.
“Witty, practical, fun, and deeply honest.”—Terrence Real, New York Times bestselling author of Us
You’re not crazy. You’re human.
Modern love is a mess and life is (spoiler alert!) very hard. Whether you’re in a committed relationship or on the apps, buckle up, there’s a lot to unlearn.
How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind is your guide to sanity in a culture gone mad. Psychotherapist and sex therapist Todd Baratz blends sharp humor with raw insight as he challenges us to break every rule about love. It’s time to move beyond the relentless pursuit of the perfect partner, to challenge the stigma against neediness, and to rethink our obsession with diagnosing common challenges as disorders.
Instead, he offers an empowering new Embrace challenges, feel deeply, make mistakes, learn, and grow. Drawing from his extensive experience as both a therapist and a patient, Baratz shares stories of navigating his personal traumas and guiding others through theirs.
This book is an invitation to understand your life as part of a larger cultural narrative. It encourages you to delve into your history, cultivate self-awareness, and take responsibility in your relationships. By doing so, you can move beyond the fairy tale and transform your approach to love.
* This audiobook edition includes a downloadable PDF of resources and a key visual aid from the book.
Audible Audio
Published June 4, 2024
225 people are currently reading
4928 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews
June 18, 2024
I cried reading this. Definitely needed a reminder that we are all human and making mistakes is part of the deal. I loved how there aren't rules but goals for deeper understanding and exploration. A queer take on relationships is refreshing.
July 26, 2024
Waste of time. Very repetitive of all the big name relationship authors (Gottman, Perel, etc.) doesn’t actually give tips just talks a lot about his mistakes. Like that friend you try to talk to that just interrupts to talk about themselves. Throw in inappropriate language (talks about f*cking a TON) and thats this book in a nutshell. The last 15min he mentions something about being needy or getting too attached bc we all need more of that. Thats the only thing that stood out. if you are looking for relationship advice read the OG ones, not a random person spewing quotes for a quick buck.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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July 22, 2024i actually agreed with this one
July 8, 2024
I wanted to love this book soooooo bad. I’m going to have some heavy-handed criticisms of this book, but overall, I think it’s pretty decent. I wanted to read this book because of the title. I think a lot of people have misconceptions and unrealistic expectations of what love and relationships should look like. I think Todd Baratz does a pretty good job of giving more realistic expectations of relationships that can really help the reader.
Where this book succeeds is not just with setting realistic expectations, but it also helps the reader understand that we’re all flawed, and many of us are just doing our best in relationships based on our past experiences. He offers some great tools and advice for personal healing and growth while also better communicating with partners and offering some grace.
Some of the issues I have with this book is he sometimes leans on bad science or discredited popular figures like Gabor Maté and Bessel van der Kolk. I think my biggest issue with this book is that the author is way too transparent about his personal life. I’m not a therapist or mental health professional, but I’ve been sober 10 years and have worked in the field. People who are very close to me are professionals in the field as well.
The author talks a lot about his sex life in a way that you’d talk to a friend who is extremely comfortable with hearing about that stuff. He’s also super transparent about his relationships and hookups. I got sober in 12-step programs, so I’m all about people sharing their experience so their more relatable, but with an actual therapist, it’s a more professional setting. The issue is a client may think, “you’re extremely messed up, why should I listen to you?”. For example, he talks about how his ex cheated on him, and they continued to hook up and do some things he now regrets.
He does explain why he’s so open with his clients about these things, but I disagree. I’m sure some clients love it. Even though I have issues with the book, I think a lot of people can benefit from it.
Where this book succeeds is not just with setting realistic expectations, but it also helps the reader understand that we’re all flawed, and many of us are just doing our best in relationships based on our past experiences. He offers some great tools and advice for personal healing and growth while also better communicating with partners and offering some grace.
Some of the issues I have with this book is he sometimes leans on bad science or discredited popular figures like Gabor Maté and Bessel van der Kolk. I think my biggest issue with this book is that the author is way too transparent about his personal life. I’m not a therapist or mental health professional, but I’ve been sober 10 years and have worked in the field. People who are very close to me are professionals in the field as well.
The author talks a lot about his sex life in a way that you’d talk to a friend who is extremely comfortable with hearing about that stuff. He’s also super transparent about his relationships and hookups. I got sober in 12-step programs, so I’m all about people sharing their experience so their more relatable, but with an actual therapist, it’s a more professional setting. The issue is a client may think, “you’re extremely messed up, why should I listen to you?”. For example, he talks about how his ex cheated on him, and they continued to hook up and do some things he now regrets.
He does explain why he’s so open with his clients about these things, but I disagree. I’m sure some clients love it. Even though I have issues with the book, I think a lot of people can benefit from it.
August 7, 2024
Read this after my 11th year of marriage
Wish I read it sooner
How to love someone without losing your mind by Todd Barrett
modern relationships are often complicated by unrealistic expectations, lack of self-awareness, and unhelpful advice.
it is possible to engage in healthy, nourishing relationships. You can do this by understanding the impact of intergenerational trauma within your family, managing your emotional triggers, and owning your power to grow and change. Practices like communicating openly about sex, differentiating yourself from your partner, and embracing breakups as opportunities for growth can all make a profound impact on your relationships throughout life.
Wish I read it sooner
How to love someone without losing your mind by Todd Barrett
modern relationships are often complicated by unrealistic expectations, lack of self-awareness, and unhelpful advice.
it is possible to engage in healthy, nourishing relationships. You can do this by understanding the impact of intergenerational trauma within your family, managing your emotional triggers, and owning your power to grow and change. Practices like communicating openly about sex, differentiating yourself from your partner, and embracing breakups as opportunities for growth can all make a profound impact on your relationships throughout life.
March 10, 2025
3.5 stars.
So I read this without knowing really what it was about. I knew from the title that it was to do with relationships and I made sure it was by a professional. I thought it would be a guide on how to be in a relationship and become more secure (compared to the other attachment styles). It wasn’t quite that. There were parts of it that I liked and parts that I straight up disagreed with. A lot of it is all stuff I’ve heard before. He mainly just expands on a few quotes from other experts who deal with trauma and relationships. Saying that, there were some gems in the book. There was a sample interview to ask your parents, I liked that and I will do that in the future with my mom. I wish it had more exercises like that and more practical things you can do compared to changing your mindset. Because I already know I have to change my mindset.
I liked how a lot of it was about his previous relationship, it’s nice to see a therapist talking about their mistakes and shortcomings when it comes to a topic they’re writing about. Saying that, I do feel like too much of the book was about his relationship. It was actually more of a memoir compared to the advice book that I was expecting. I had also never heard of Todd Baratz before picking this up, maybe if I did, I would have liked it more. I liked how open he was and I gave this 3.5 stars more for the enjoyability and not for the relationship advice.
I will say, reading about the relationship Todd had with his own therapist felt weird to me. Personally I thought the lines between therapist and father figure were so blurry, it almost maybe crossed over into his therapist acting unethically... It has obviously helped Todd tremendously but it just rubbed me the wrong way.
I listened to the audiobook version of this and I’m not sure why Todd didn’t narrate it himself, I enjoy non-fiction audiobooks a lot more when the author is reading it themselves. It makes it feel more real. There was nothing wrong with the audiobook narrator, it’s just my preference.
I would recommend this if you haven’t read a lot of other books on the topic before. I think it’s a good starting point and there are a few good pieces of advice. Would I read another book by Todd Baratz? I’m not sure, maybe.
————————————
“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart…. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.—Carl Jung”
“Our wounds hold the power to influence our choice of partners and the dynamics we eventually establish with them.”
“If we are to truly grow, we must confront and accept our pain, even run toward it, and recognize that pain can be an invaluable teacher. Paradoxically, it is through facing and embracing these painful moments that we can experience significant personal growth and learn profound lessons about ourselves and our relationships.”
“Alex was definitely not abusive, and our relationship was fundamentally healthy, but I felt the same powerlessness and inability to own my voice that I had observed in my mother.”
“Love is about valuing a person, not their utility. We have to stop viewing potential partners through the lens of what they can “provide” or “offer” us and, instead, cherish who they are as individuals.”
“Eric’s mother was his companion, and her presence was important to him even if it meant she was emotionally unavailable and he was the one doing the parenting.”
“The largeness of the emotion driving us to get our needs fulfilled often mirrors the pain we experienced in early childhood, when those needs weren’t met. But as adults, in mature relationships, we don’t actually need these things, especially not from our partners.”
“But your body is always speaking to you, especially during sex, and it’s important to listen up.”
“If something feels even slightly off, the body will consciously or unconsciously slow the release of these important sex hormones. Why? Because our body prioritizes threat over pleasure. But threat doesn’t necessarily include physical danger.”
“My withdrawal had been triggered by a conscious narrative that went something like this: It’s hopeless. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t control himself or communicate like an adult. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this narrative of contempt was also a form of hypervigilance, one that kept me on high alert for potential danger, hurt, or loss. If I had had the capacity for complex thought and understanding during childhood, those are the words I would have used to describe the threatening and hurtful experience with my family, too.”
“When we experience things that challenge our fears, our brains form new neural pathways, a powerful and effective way of promoting healing. Repeated exposure to these reparative experiences creates change.”
“Many people who’ve been through trauma often stay in a state of high alert. We pay a lot of attention to these fears and the constant hypervigilance, which can be debilitating, but we don’t pay enough attention to the need for pleasure, joy, relaxation, and a sense of ease. These calming experiences create a sense of safety. And it is safety that often is absent in the presence of trauma.”
“In many families, the reality is far from ideal. In families like mine (and perhaps yours), support and nurturance often came at the cost of self-sacrifice. Independence and self-exploration were either discouraged or, in extreme cases, harshly punished. This kind of parenting teaches a child that self-expression will be accompanied by threat and is, therefore, unsafe. As a result, many of us adopt a feeling of powerlessness in our relationships. We learn that safety is found in conformity and in silencing our own voices, rather than in being authentically ourselves and accepted as we are.”
“For many of us, no one showed up for us when we were little, which makes it hard for us to show up for ourselves as adults. Instead, we want our partner to show up for us, even during conflict and disagreement.”
“James Hollis delves deeply into this concept when he says, “What is unconscious remains repressed until activated, at which time it is projected onto another. An obsessional projective identification occurs when the other is charged with carrying our missing piece, thus becoming the carrier of our well-being, or alternatively our greatest threat.””
“As Hollis wisely suggests, I needed to comprehend that as an adult I possessed the capacity to endure what had once felt unbearable. I had to accept what I couldn’t as a child: I was, and always had been, alone. Moreover, I had to acknowledge that as an adult my loneliness was fundamentally different from the loneliness in childhood. It was manageable. I no longer needed to harbor the same level of fear that had plagued my entire life.”
“All traumas are fundamentally relationally rooted, and as a result, the path to healing must also involve relational experiences.”
“But the reality is that the more we avoid pain, the less fulfilled we become.”
“I’ve been in therapy for almost my entire life, and I’m so over having to watch out for emotional land mines. I don’t want to have to keep doing this emotional karate just to make sure I don’t spiral out of control. But…I also don’t want to live in a fantasyland.”
So I read this without knowing really what it was about. I knew from the title that it was to do with relationships and I made sure it was by a professional. I thought it would be a guide on how to be in a relationship and become more secure (compared to the other attachment styles). It wasn’t quite that. There were parts of it that I liked and parts that I straight up disagreed with. A lot of it is all stuff I’ve heard before. He mainly just expands on a few quotes from other experts who deal with trauma and relationships. Saying that, there were some gems in the book. There was a sample interview to ask your parents, I liked that and I will do that in the future with my mom. I wish it had more exercises like that and more practical things you can do compared to changing your mindset. Because I already know I have to change my mindset.
I liked how a lot of it was about his previous relationship, it’s nice to see a therapist talking about their mistakes and shortcomings when it comes to a topic they’re writing about. Saying that, I do feel like too much of the book was about his relationship. It was actually more of a memoir compared to the advice book that I was expecting. I had also never heard of Todd Baratz before picking this up, maybe if I did, I would have liked it more. I liked how open he was and I gave this 3.5 stars more for the enjoyability and not for the relationship advice.
I will say, reading about the relationship Todd had with his own therapist felt weird to me. Personally I thought the lines between therapist and father figure were so blurry, it almost maybe crossed over into his therapist acting unethically... It has obviously helped Todd tremendously but it just rubbed me the wrong way.
I listened to the audiobook version of this and I’m not sure why Todd didn’t narrate it himself, I enjoy non-fiction audiobooks a lot more when the author is reading it themselves. It makes it feel more real. There was nothing wrong with the audiobook narrator, it’s just my preference.
I would recommend this if you haven’t read a lot of other books on the topic before. I think it’s a good starting point and there are a few good pieces of advice. Would I read another book by Todd Baratz? I’m not sure, maybe.
————————————
“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart…. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.—Carl Jung”
“Our wounds hold the power to influence our choice of partners and the dynamics we eventually establish with them.”
“If we are to truly grow, we must confront and accept our pain, even run toward it, and recognize that pain can be an invaluable teacher. Paradoxically, it is through facing and embracing these painful moments that we can experience significant personal growth and learn profound lessons about ourselves and our relationships.”
“Alex was definitely not abusive, and our relationship was fundamentally healthy, but I felt the same powerlessness and inability to own my voice that I had observed in my mother.”
“Love is about valuing a person, not their utility. We have to stop viewing potential partners through the lens of what they can “provide” or “offer” us and, instead, cherish who they are as individuals.”
“Eric’s mother was his companion, and her presence was important to him even if it meant she was emotionally unavailable and he was the one doing the parenting.”
“The largeness of the emotion driving us to get our needs fulfilled often mirrors the pain we experienced in early childhood, when those needs weren’t met. But as adults, in mature relationships, we don’t actually need these things, especially not from our partners.”
“But your body is always speaking to you, especially during sex, and it’s important to listen up.”
“If something feels even slightly off, the body will consciously or unconsciously slow the release of these important sex hormones. Why? Because our body prioritizes threat over pleasure. But threat doesn’t necessarily include physical danger.”
“My withdrawal had been triggered by a conscious narrative that went something like this: It’s hopeless. I don’t want to be with someone who can’t control himself or communicate like an adult. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this narrative of contempt was also a form of hypervigilance, one that kept me on high alert for potential danger, hurt, or loss. If I had had the capacity for complex thought and understanding during childhood, those are the words I would have used to describe the threatening and hurtful experience with my family, too.”
“When we experience things that challenge our fears, our brains form new neural pathways, a powerful and effective way of promoting healing. Repeated exposure to these reparative experiences creates change.”
“Many people who’ve been through trauma often stay in a state of high alert. We pay a lot of attention to these fears and the constant hypervigilance, which can be debilitating, but we don’t pay enough attention to the need for pleasure, joy, relaxation, and a sense of ease. These calming experiences create a sense of safety. And it is safety that often is absent in the presence of trauma.”
“In many families, the reality is far from ideal. In families like mine (and perhaps yours), support and nurturance often came at the cost of self-sacrifice. Independence and self-exploration were either discouraged or, in extreme cases, harshly punished. This kind of parenting teaches a child that self-expression will be accompanied by threat and is, therefore, unsafe. As a result, many of us adopt a feeling of powerlessness in our relationships. We learn that safety is found in conformity and in silencing our own voices, rather than in being authentically ourselves and accepted as we are.”
“For many of us, no one showed up for us when we were little, which makes it hard for us to show up for ourselves as adults. Instead, we want our partner to show up for us, even during conflict and disagreement.”
“James Hollis delves deeply into this concept when he says, “What is unconscious remains repressed until activated, at which time it is projected onto another. An obsessional projective identification occurs when the other is charged with carrying our missing piece, thus becoming the carrier of our well-being, or alternatively our greatest threat.””
“As Hollis wisely suggests, I needed to comprehend that as an adult I possessed the capacity to endure what had once felt unbearable. I had to accept what I couldn’t as a child: I was, and always had been, alone. Moreover, I had to acknowledge that as an adult my loneliness was fundamentally different from the loneliness in childhood. It was manageable. I no longer needed to harbor the same level of fear that had plagued my entire life.”
“All traumas are fundamentally relationally rooted, and as a result, the path to healing must also involve relational experiences.”
“But the reality is that the more we avoid pain, the less fulfilled we become.”
“I’ve been in therapy for almost my entire life, and I’m so over having to watch out for emotional land mines. I don’t want to have to keep doing this emotional karate just to make sure I don’t spiral out of control. But…I also don’t want to live in a fantasyland.”
October 12, 2025
Touches on the impact of intergenerational trauma, the pitfalls of modern dating culture, self awareness and self care, and the problem with pursuing “perfect” love
4 stars?
Notes:
- We live in a world saturated with instant gratification and social media. Over the years, this has led our perceptions of love and relationships astray: we’re bombarded with unrealistic expectations, quick-fix solutions, and oversimplified advice that often does more harm than good.
- Have you ever asked your parents why they got married? The reasons might surprise you. When the author, Todd Baratz, asked his mother, she replied, “I just wanted to be loved.” For such a seemingly simple answer, behind it lay a hidden web of trauma, family history, and cultural expectations.
- No matter who you are or where you come from, your approaches to relationships and love are shaped by entrenched narratives. Your experiences, emotions, and challenges aren’t isolated incidents
- “I’ve been thinking about our family history lately. Would you mind sharing some stories about your childhood?” This opener can help ease into deeper discussions. Some key questions to follow up might be: What was your childhood home environment like? How did your parents express affection or resolve conflicts? Can you tell me about your first experiences with dating? By asking these questions, you’ll likely uncover and begin to understand the traumas you’ve inherited from your family and the patterns you might unknowingly be recreating in your own life.
- The good news is that the transition out of the honeymoon phase doesn't have to spell doom. Instead, it can be an opportunity to develop deeper intimacy and understanding between partners – if both can learn to navigate conflicts constructively and see them as chances for growth rather than threats.
- To that end, it’s a good idea to create a relationship contract early on. This contract should preemptively address potential issues that could arise in the relationship. Perhaps it includes clauses about how you’ll navigate conflicts, differences in needs and desires, and mismatched libidos. By having these conversations at the start of your relationship, you’ll be better able to navigate challenges when they inevitably do come up. (i would totes do a spreadsheet)
- remember that while your partner’s support does help, it’s ultimately your responsibility to manage your own triggers and reactions. (louder for the people in the back)
- Remember, good sex requires more than just physical technique. It involves communication, boundary-setting, body comfort, self-awareness, confidence, and a willingness to prioritize your own pleasure alongside your partner’s.
- While it might feel safer in the moment to analyze your partner rather than yourself, it’s ultimately harmful.
- Communication alone won’t result in relationship fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from deep honesty and intimacy, which requires a willingness to be uncomfortable and hear things you might not want to hear.
- A new way to approach relationships you might want to try is one that emphasizes personal responsibility and growth. You can impact your relationships by changing yourself – you don’t need to wait for anyone else to change.
- Modern Western culture reveres the idea of love, with countless celebrations dedicated to romantic milestones like engagements, weddings, and anniversaries. But when a relationship ends, there are no rituals and no societal framework to help navigate the pain.
- Cultural norms often pressure people to cut off any contact with their exes. But this advice doesn’t fit everyone. Maintaining a connection with an ex can sometimes provide comfort and a sense of continuity, especially for those who lack other forms of family support.
4 stars?
Notes:
- We live in a world saturated with instant gratification and social media. Over the years, this has led our perceptions of love and relationships astray: we’re bombarded with unrealistic expectations, quick-fix solutions, and oversimplified advice that often does more harm than good.
- Have you ever asked your parents why they got married? The reasons might surprise you. When the author, Todd Baratz, asked his mother, she replied, “I just wanted to be loved.” For such a seemingly simple answer, behind it lay a hidden web of trauma, family history, and cultural expectations.
- No matter who you are or where you come from, your approaches to relationships and love are shaped by entrenched narratives. Your experiences, emotions, and challenges aren’t isolated incidents
- “I’ve been thinking about our family history lately. Would you mind sharing some stories about your childhood?” This opener can help ease into deeper discussions. Some key questions to follow up might be: What was your childhood home environment like? How did your parents express affection or resolve conflicts? Can you tell me about your first experiences with dating? By asking these questions, you’ll likely uncover and begin to understand the traumas you’ve inherited from your family and the patterns you might unknowingly be recreating in your own life.
- The good news is that the transition out of the honeymoon phase doesn't have to spell doom. Instead, it can be an opportunity to develop deeper intimacy and understanding between partners – if both can learn to navigate conflicts constructively and see them as chances for growth rather than threats.
- To that end, it’s a good idea to create a relationship contract early on. This contract should preemptively address potential issues that could arise in the relationship. Perhaps it includes clauses about how you’ll navigate conflicts, differences in needs and desires, and mismatched libidos. By having these conversations at the start of your relationship, you’ll be better able to navigate challenges when they inevitably do come up. (i would totes do a spreadsheet)
- remember that while your partner’s support does help, it’s ultimately your responsibility to manage your own triggers and reactions. (louder for the people in the back)
- Remember, good sex requires more than just physical technique. It involves communication, boundary-setting, body comfort, self-awareness, confidence, and a willingness to prioritize your own pleasure alongside your partner’s.
- While it might feel safer in the moment to analyze your partner rather than yourself, it’s ultimately harmful.
- Communication alone won’t result in relationship fulfillment. Fulfillment stems from deep honesty and intimacy, which requires a willingness to be uncomfortable and hear things you might not want to hear.
- A new way to approach relationships you might want to try is one that emphasizes personal responsibility and growth. You can impact your relationships by changing yourself – you don’t need to wait for anyone else to change.
- Modern Western culture reveres the idea of love, with countless celebrations dedicated to romantic milestones like engagements, weddings, and anniversaries. But when a relationship ends, there are no rituals and no societal framework to help navigate the pain.
- Cultural norms often pressure people to cut off any contact with their exes. But this advice doesn’t fit everyone. Maintaining a connection with an ex can sometimes provide comfort and a sense of continuity, especially for those who lack other forms of family support.
September 10, 2025
Wow. Just wow. What an emotional, insightful, empowering, amazing read!
I highly recommend everyone read this. Whether you're single, in a relationship, in a long term relationship that's been going on for years (even if you are happy and all is good in all 3 scenarios!), this book is absolutely phenomenal (which I think we can see considering how quickly I read it).
The big message here is we, generally, have never been taught HOW to do relationships, and most of us certainly have never been taught how to do them while keeping in consideration our particularities/needs/ways of being that are largely subconscious and largely a product of patterns we've learnt along our lives. Mind-f**king-blown is how I felt at multiple times throughout this book.
He also really strips back all these stupid unrealistic expectations that we have about relationships (and here I was thinking that I'd managed to remain untouched from these arbitrary preconceptions and rules from our culture) and just opens your eyes to what we SHOULD be expecting from relationships - that people, ALL OF US, are flawed and imperfect and we are going to mess up all the time. And that the idea that a partner must have A, B and C, and look like D and E, and weigh F, but hope for G and blah blah blah is complete nonsense and is a great way to set up your date/partner/relationship for extreeme unnecessary difficulty if not failure.
Also, it just feels like it taught so much about knowing myself, as an individual, knowing my "triggers" or my reactions, where they've come from, how to keep being human and functioning while holding space for that. Ugh I just feel like I'm not doing this justice - PLEASE READ!
And the writing style is so casual! So easy to understand and it sounds like you're just listening to a mate and not a professional therapist, I loved it!
I know this is one that I will be raving for alllll year and recommending to absolutely anyone who will be too slow to run from me ha!
I highly recommend everyone read this. Whether you're single, in a relationship, in a long term relationship that's been going on for years (even if you are happy and all is good in all 3 scenarios!), this book is absolutely phenomenal (which I think we can see considering how quickly I read it).
The big message here is we, generally, have never been taught HOW to do relationships, and most of us certainly have never been taught how to do them while keeping in consideration our particularities/needs/ways of being that are largely subconscious and largely a product of patterns we've learnt along our lives. Mind-f**king-blown is how I felt at multiple times throughout this book.
He also really strips back all these stupid unrealistic expectations that we have about relationships (and here I was thinking that I'd managed to remain untouched from these arbitrary preconceptions and rules from our culture) and just opens your eyes to what we SHOULD be expecting from relationships - that people, ALL OF US, are flawed and imperfect and we are going to mess up all the time. And that the idea that a partner must have A, B and C, and look like D and E, and weigh F, but hope for G and blah blah blah is complete nonsense and is a great way to set up your date/partner/relationship for extreeme unnecessary difficulty if not failure.
Also, it just feels like it taught so much about knowing myself, as an individual, knowing my "triggers" or my reactions, where they've come from, how to keep being human and functioning while holding space for that. Ugh I just feel like I'm not doing this justice - PLEASE READ!
And the writing style is so casual! So easy to understand and it sounds like you're just listening to a mate and not a professional therapist, I loved it!
I know this is one that I will be raving for alllll year and recommending to absolutely anyone who will be too slow to run from me ha!
July 8, 2024
I heard this therapist interviewed on a podcast, so I was interested in checking out his book! It was OK, more geared towards people going through break ups and looking for a new partner not already in relationship ppl
August 2, 2024
I loved hearing the author on a podcast so I bought the audiobook version.
As a therapist, this book is so cringe worthy. There are multiple incidents of potential ethics violations, dual relationships. I really wanted to like it.
As a therapist, this book is so cringe worthy. There are multiple incidents of potential ethics violations, dual relationships. I really wanted to like it.
August 9, 2024
Un peu gênant à mettre ici hahaha mais c’est bon et il y a plein de bons trucs
September 13, 2024
Sorry Todd I don't live in New York or Los Angeles and felt nothing.
December 7, 2025
3,5*/5*
I’ve been following Todd Baratz’s Instagram account for the past few years and find it among the most reasonable of the social-media therapy accounts. I definitely don’t like everything about it, and I didn’t like every aspect of this book either. But as Baratz points out numerous times when it comes to finding a partner: there won’t be anyone perfect. The same goes for self-help books. There can’t be a one-size-fits-all solution for everybody’s problems because – surprise! – we’re all different. Even though we often struggle with similar issues, the way we deal with them, our background stories, gender, sexual identity, age, cultural background, etc., make each of our journeys unique.
Todd Baratz is very open about his personal journey, and in parts this book reads more like a memoir than a self-help book. Some have criticized him for this, saying that he is unprofessional for sharing his personal life and struggles with his clients or readers. I personally like his openness. As someone who is very hard on herself, I tend to think: “Why can everybody else do this? Why is it so hard for me?” When people I thought had “everything figured out” told me about their own struggles, it always helped me put things into perspective. No one is perfect, and we’re all living this life for the first time and have to figure it out along the way. Sure, self-reflection and therapy can guide you, but it will always be you who has to do the work. Communicating your needs to your partner is hard, especially when you’re triggered or afraid of losing them. It gets easier, but it’s a skill that has to be practiced — just like any other skill you weren’t born with (and let’s be honest, humans are born rather unskilled in almost everything). Knowing that everyone struggles with these things makes it easier to see that your partner might also be having a hard time and is not “up against” you.
Now, what did I dislike about the book? Despite saying that every choice — as long as it is consensual and aligned with the needs of the people involved — is valid, I felt he personally has a very strong opinion on what a committed relationship should look like: living together and planning a family. He dismisses people on the apps for not being able to say right away whether they want that kind of relationship. In my opinion, a committed relationship can look very different with different partners. The common denominator should be the commitment to the person and to building something meaningful together, but it doesn’t necessarily have to involve the conventional milestones of commitment (moving in together, marrying, having kids). Also, we are not fixed; we are constantly changing — and so can our preferences. You might be sure you want “one thing” when you first meet someone, but a few months or years later you might want something different with them. Staying curious and interested in your partner is key (something Baratz would probably agree with again).
I’ve been following Todd Baratz’s Instagram account for the past few years and find it among the most reasonable of the social-media therapy accounts. I definitely don’t like everything about it, and I didn’t like every aspect of this book either. But as Baratz points out numerous times when it comes to finding a partner: there won’t be anyone perfect. The same goes for self-help books. There can’t be a one-size-fits-all solution for everybody’s problems because – surprise! – we’re all different. Even though we often struggle with similar issues, the way we deal with them, our background stories, gender, sexual identity, age, cultural background, etc., make each of our journeys unique.
Todd Baratz is very open about his personal journey, and in parts this book reads more like a memoir than a self-help book. Some have criticized him for this, saying that he is unprofessional for sharing his personal life and struggles with his clients or readers. I personally like his openness. As someone who is very hard on herself, I tend to think: “Why can everybody else do this? Why is it so hard for me?” When people I thought had “everything figured out” told me about their own struggles, it always helped me put things into perspective. No one is perfect, and we’re all living this life for the first time and have to figure it out along the way. Sure, self-reflection and therapy can guide you, but it will always be you who has to do the work. Communicating your needs to your partner is hard, especially when you’re triggered or afraid of losing them. It gets easier, but it’s a skill that has to be practiced — just like any other skill you weren’t born with (and let’s be honest, humans are born rather unskilled in almost everything). Knowing that everyone struggles with these things makes it easier to see that your partner might also be having a hard time and is not “up against” you.
Now, what did I dislike about the book? Despite saying that every choice — as long as it is consensual and aligned with the needs of the people involved — is valid, I felt he personally has a very strong opinion on what a committed relationship should look like: living together and planning a family. He dismisses people on the apps for not being able to say right away whether they want that kind of relationship. In my opinion, a committed relationship can look very different with different partners. The common denominator should be the commitment to the person and to building something meaningful together, but it doesn’t necessarily have to involve the conventional milestones of commitment (moving in together, marrying, having kids). Also, we are not fixed; we are constantly changing — and so can our preferences. You might be sure you want “one thing” when you first meet someone, but a few months or years later you might want something different with them. Staying curious and interested in your partner is key (something Baratz would probably agree with again).
July 31, 2024
I thoroughly enjoyed this book! I have been following this therapist on Instagram for some time and love how he debunks these “love expectations”. He’s real
Honest and candid and transparent about imperfections and mistakes we will all inevitability make. I enjoyed how he incorporated his life perspective and circumstances to discuss the difficulties that his clients have had with themselves and their relationships. It’s refreshing in many ways, that he reminds us of his humanity, even though he’s a therapist. Sometimes when reading books similar, it feels like the professional is talking at you. Here, it’s very conversational, like Todd is talking with you. He also does a good job at being intersectional at times, noting the sociocultural and economic parts of our identity and how they affect the way we view ourselves, others and our relationships. He really does a great job at questioning the cultural, society, and our expectations about love and what relationships should look like. Overall, he writes this book as a reminder to interrogate and welcome the discomfort that comes with self-awareness, ask questions, be curious, be kind to ourselves and others - to give everyone some grace.
Some fave quotes
- one of the hardest parts of a relationship [is that]…Anyone you love will disappoint you…if you want to move toward a more mature version of love, you will have to let go of idealized futures and other fantasies and accept the brutal reality that your partner, like all human beings, will be fundamentally flawed.”
- “Let go of the idea that your feelings are true or need to be validated in the first place. They are not valid or invalid.
They just are. The rain is rain. The sky is the sky. We don't question them; we simply observe them. That is the relationship you want to cultivate with your emotions-especially when triggered and especially when in conflict.”
-
Honest and candid and transparent about imperfections and mistakes we will all inevitability make. I enjoyed how he incorporated his life perspective and circumstances to discuss the difficulties that his clients have had with themselves and their relationships. It’s refreshing in many ways, that he reminds us of his humanity, even though he’s a therapist. Sometimes when reading books similar, it feels like the professional is talking at you. Here, it’s very conversational, like Todd is talking with you. He also does a good job at being intersectional at times, noting the sociocultural and economic parts of our identity and how they affect the way we view ourselves, others and our relationships. He really does a great job at questioning the cultural, society, and our expectations about love and what relationships should look like. Overall, he writes this book as a reminder to interrogate and welcome the discomfort that comes with self-awareness, ask questions, be curious, be kind to ourselves and others - to give everyone some grace.
Some fave quotes
- one of the hardest parts of a relationship [is that]…Anyone you love will disappoint you…if you want to move toward a more mature version of love, you will have to let go of idealized futures and other fantasies and accept the brutal reality that your partner, like all human beings, will be fundamentally flawed.”
- “Let go of the idea that your feelings are true or need to be validated in the first place. They are not valid or invalid.
They just are. The rain is rain. The sky is the sky. We don't question them; we simply observe them. That is the relationship you want to cultivate with your emotions-especially when triggered and especially when in conflict.”
-
August 5, 2024
I enjoyed this audiobook! I was skeptical at first, but quickly began enjoying it. It’s a great reminder that bad days will come, every relationship has struggles, every person is messed up, and that pop psychology and social media (a lethal combo) set up impossible standards that are unrealistic and unhelpful out here in the wild.
This was a good read for a recovering perfectionist like myself. He even upholds this continuity for therapists - he doesn’t subscribe to non self-disclosure for therapists and states that we learn as much from our clients as they learn from us (which is completely true of my experience.)
I really admire his thorough and vulnerable reflections on the breakdown of his long term relationship with his ex. He’s also able to remain sex positive while sharing his own particularities around sex and sexuality.
He comes from a dysfunctional family and is ex-communicated from those who are still alive in his immediate family. He struggles with loneliness and is learning how to communicate his needs, frustrations, and disappointments with a partner while realizing he had zero model of how to do that during his upbringing. Even as a training and then practicing therapist he did not disclose his concerns to his partner during their relationship and expresses ownership and regret over this now.
This was a good read for a recovering perfectionist like myself. He even upholds this continuity for therapists - he doesn’t subscribe to non self-disclosure for therapists and states that we learn as much from our clients as they learn from us (which is completely true of my experience.)
I really admire his thorough and vulnerable reflections on the breakdown of his long term relationship with his ex. He’s also able to remain sex positive while sharing his own particularities around sex and sexuality.
He comes from a dysfunctional family and is ex-communicated from those who are still alive in his immediate family. He struggles with loneliness and is learning how to communicate his needs, frustrations, and disappointments with a partner while realizing he had zero model of how to do that during his upbringing. Even as a training and then practicing therapist he did not disclose his concerns to his partner during their relationship and expresses ownership and regret over this now.
July 14, 2024
i read many books on relationships due to the nature of my work and this was sophisticated, extremely well researched, yet human and funny. i loved many of the authors’s case studies and found them helpful/appropriate, most prominently his own long term relationship, which had ended. i think all age groups can benefit from this book but millennials can use it, for sure. one of the things i kept saying to my partner over and over was that baratz was truly a writer, not someone with a platform, who got a book deal. this distinction shines and separates him from his peers. go read!
May 7, 2025
This is a relationship book accurately described as the title suggests told through the story of the author’s first love. I was on the journey the whole way, with both the author’s personal story as well as his professional expertise as a therapist himself. The messaging is along the same lines as Esther Perel (and the opposite of what you may see on Instagram) in that these days we expect too much from our partners and have done too little of our own healing. The author’s abridged take on it all is that it’s a journey, and that all the steps, even missteps are OK and normal. I appreciated his warm, empathetic tone, and reminder that there’s no “right way” to do love, life, and pain. Recommend!
September 30, 2024
Incredible book. I loved how real and true it is. The bottom line is believing you can handle all of life to allow yourself to live without the fear of suffering or pain. Life comes with suffering. You can handle it.
March 5, 2025
Obviously necessary🙃 One of the best books on love. See you at the wedding!
July 5, 2025
DNF. Don't get me wrong: I'm a big fan, but the book adds a level of depth to his ideas that I frankly do not need.
January 3, 2025
I wanted to end the year with a book focusing on introspection and that I did. Honest, thoughtful, and no holds barred, this book is worth the read.
November 25, 2025
probably a very good read for people who have not been to therapy but if you have been in therapy for five years already, a lot of this feels redundant.
i hope to god my therapist never writes a book highlighting her clients’ stories and relationship challenges
i hope to god my therapist never writes a book highlighting her clients’ stories and relationship challenges
October 19, 2025
Not particularly insightful, I understand self help books will have a lot of ignore if it doesn’t apply to you, but the tone of this book is as though it contains universal truths. In some aspects, sure. In a lot more aspects, no. I think there are much more insightful and useful books out there that contain the same truths without the untrue/unnecessary fluff. I’d be more interested in a memoir from this author rather than an advice column
January 28, 2025
I thoroughly enjoyed this there were some hidden gems in there and it wasn't gimmicky at all or misleading. I feel that many self help relationship books are baiting with the title and it's something completely different. This was very straightforward and for anyone who is an emotional connector it felt like we sitting together spilling about life. It was cozy which feels odd to say about a book, but it also feels like the right word.
I listened to this on Spotify, but I think I want a hard copy too.
I listened to this on Spotify, but I think I want a hard copy too.
August 8, 2024
In "How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind: Forget the Fairy Tale and Get Real," Todd Baratz provides a refreshing perspective on love and relationships, emphasizing awareness and self-care over fairy-tale expectations. In today's world, social media and instant gratification have distorted our perceptions of love, often leading to unrealistic expectations and quick-fix solutions that are more harmful than beneficial. Baratz offers an alternative: embracing the complexities of human connection, confronting personal trauma, and developing a deeper understanding of oneself and one's partner to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
One key theme in the book is the impact of intergenerational trauma on our relationship patterns. Baratz highlights how entrenched narratives from our family history shape our approaches to love. He encourages readers to explore their family dynamics by interviewing parents or caregivers to uncover hidden influences. For example, Baratz's mother's marriage was driven by a need to escape an abusive home and societal expectations. Understanding these patterns can help individuals recognize and break free from inherited behaviors, allowing for more conscious and satisfying relationships.
The book also addresses the transition out of the "honeymoon phase" in relationships, a critical juncture where the initial idealization fades, often leading to disillusionment. Baratz advises creating a relationship contract early on to address potential issues preemptively. This contract should include clauses on navigating conflicts, differences in needs, and other challenges. By having these conversations at the start, couples can better handle the inevitable challenges and develop deeper intimacy and understanding.
When dealing with triggers, Baratz emphasizes the importance of pausing and taking a step back to avoid reacting from a highly emotional state. He suggests that our reactions are often more related to past experiences than the present situation. Developing self-awareness, journaling, and mindfulness techniques can help individuals recognize and manage their triggers constructively. Sharing insights about triggers with a partner can foster understanding and support, but ultimately, managing one's own reactions is a personal responsibility.
Baratz also explores the complexities of sexual relationships, noting that many people feel confused and anxious about sex due to inadequate education and unrealistic sources like pornography. He stresses the importance of communication, vulnerability, and understanding underlying issues such as relational trauma. Good sex involves more than physical technique; it requires self-awareness, confidence, and mutual respect. Baratz advises couples to redefine sex beyond societal norms and find what works best for them, free from external pressures.
The concept of differentiation is crucial for healthy relationships. Differentiation involves maintaining one's sense of self while staying connected to a partner, even during conflicts. It balances personal space and intimacy, allowing individuals to handle disagreements without becoming overwhelmed or resentful. Baratz argues that fulfillment in relationships comes from deep honesty and intimacy, which requires a willingness to be uncomfortable and confront one's own emotions.
When relationships end, Baratz highlights the lack of societal support and rituals for navigating breakups, despite their significance for personal growth. He encourages self-care, seeking support, and recognizing that each person's way through loss is unique. Maintaining connections with ex-partners can sometimes provide comfort and continuity, especially for those lacking other forms of family support. Embracing the journey of integrating loss into one's life is essential for growth and finding peace.
Overall, "How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind" offers practical wisdom for engaging in healthy, nourishing relationships. By understanding intergenerational trauma, managing emotional triggers, and owning the power to grow and change, individuals can create more satisfying connections. Open communication about sex, differentiation, and embracing breakups as opportunities for growth are key practices that can profoundly impact relationships throughout life. Baratz's insights challenge conventional advice and provide a more realistic and compassionate approach to love.
One key theme in the book is the impact of intergenerational trauma on our relationship patterns. Baratz highlights how entrenched narratives from our family history shape our approaches to love. He encourages readers to explore their family dynamics by interviewing parents or caregivers to uncover hidden influences. For example, Baratz's mother's marriage was driven by a need to escape an abusive home and societal expectations. Understanding these patterns can help individuals recognize and break free from inherited behaviors, allowing for more conscious and satisfying relationships.
The book also addresses the transition out of the "honeymoon phase" in relationships, a critical juncture where the initial idealization fades, often leading to disillusionment. Baratz advises creating a relationship contract early on to address potential issues preemptively. This contract should include clauses on navigating conflicts, differences in needs, and other challenges. By having these conversations at the start, couples can better handle the inevitable challenges and develop deeper intimacy and understanding.
When dealing with triggers, Baratz emphasizes the importance of pausing and taking a step back to avoid reacting from a highly emotional state. He suggests that our reactions are often more related to past experiences than the present situation. Developing self-awareness, journaling, and mindfulness techniques can help individuals recognize and manage their triggers constructively. Sharing insights about triggers with a partner can foster understanding and support, but ultimately, managing one's own reactions is a personal responsibility.
Baratz also explores the complexities of sexual relationships, noting that many people feel confused and anxious about sex due to inadequate education and unrealistic sources like pornography. He stresses the importance of communication, vulnerability, and understanding underlying issues such as relational trauma. Good sex involves more than physical technique; it requires self-awareness, confidence, and mutual respect. Baratz advises couples to redefine sex beyond societal norms and find what works best for them, free from external pressures.
The concept of differentiation is crucial for healthy relationships. Differentiation involves maintaining one's sense of self while staying connected to a partner, even during conflicts. It balances personal space and intimacy, allowing individuals to handle disagreements without becoming overwhelmed or resentful. Baratz argues that fulfillment in relationships comes from deep honesty and intimacy, which requires a willingness to be uncomfortable and confront one's own emotions.
When relationships end, Baratz highlights the lack of societal support and rituals for navigating breakups, despite their significance for personal growth. He encourages self-care, seeking support, and recognizing that each person's way through loss is unique. Maintaining connections with ex-partners can sometimes provide comfort and continuity, especially for those lacking other forms of family support. Embracing the journey of integrating loss into one's life is essential for growth and finding peace.
Overall, "How to Love Someone Without Losing Your Mind" offers practical wisdom for engaging in healthy, nourishing relationships. By understanding intergenerational trauma, managing emotional triggers, and owning the power to grow and change, individuals can create more satisfying connections. Open communication about sex, differentiation, and embracing breakups as opportunities for growth are key practices that can profoundly impact relationships throughout life. Baratz's insights challenge conventional advice and provide a more realistic and compassionate approach to love.
August 15, 2025
Hmmmm. Chapters with great insight (5, 6 and 7…) mixed with what are essentially journal entries make up the majority of this book.
Wasn’t a big fan of the consistent hot sex addendums or the conversational tone that happened throughout, as I do prefer a more scientific and quantitative approach generally. Granted both the qualitative and quantitative approaches each have their own benefits. Some chapters quite literally felt like journal entries, which the authors openly states towards the end. Could also go for a few less anecdotal examples of clients that don’t serve the relevant purpose much.
I really appreciated the modern context on the intrusiveness of social media and pop culture bullshit relationship/therapy advice that’s rampant in our current times. The introduction chapter served as a great foundation for debunking the absurd amount of overgeneralized (and generally unprofessional…) information thrown at us online. Escaping the romanticized fairy tale and coming back down to reality, the author dives into the acceptance of being human, flaws and shortcomings included. In a world of autonomy, it’s always refreshing to hear stories highlighting the importance of connection. Really loved the discussions on reenacting childhood dynamics, “good enough” partners, implicit emotional reactions, objective vs subjective “reality”, and attempts to change your partner.
Overall not a bad book. Overall not a phenomenal book. Bits and pieces.
Few notable quotes to follow, per usual:
“Often, the things we say to our partners are the things we wish could have expressed to our parents or caregivers when we were young, but never felt safe enough to say.“
“The point is, there is no place for truth or rightness in relational dynamics. Relational dynamics produce emotions, and emotions aren’t a question of right or wrong, they are a question of understanding and meaning. They stand in for a story.”
“The fundamental idea here is that we don’t need to rely on our partners to be the ones initiating change. Waiting for them to take the lead will often lead to a reenactment of the powerlessness we experienced in childhood. Instead, we can actively transform our relationships by first making changes within ourselves.”
Wasn’t a big fan of the consistent hot sex addendums or the conversational tone that happened throughout, as I do prefer a more scientific and quantitative approach generally. Granted both the qualitative and quantitative approaches each have their own benefits. Some chapters quite literally felt like journal entries, which the authors openly states towards the end. Could also go for a few less anecdotal examples of clients that don’t serve the relevant purpose much.
I really appreciated the modern context on the intrusiveness of social media and pop culture bullshit relationship/therapy advice that’s rampant in our current times. The introduction chapter served as a great foundation for debunking the absurd amount of overgeneralized (and generally unprofessional…) information thrown at us online. Escaping the romanticized fairy tale and coming back down to reality, the author dives into the acceptance of being human, flaws and shortcomings included. In a world of autonomy, it’s always refreshing to hear stories highlighting the importance of connection. Really loved the discussions on reenacting childhood dynamics, “good enough” partners, implicit emotional reactions, objective vs subjective “reality”, and attempts to change your partner.
Overall not a bad book. Overall not a phenomenal book. Bits and pieces.
Few notable quotes to follow, per usual:
“Often, the things we say to our partners are the things we wish could have expressed to our parents or caregivers when we were young, but never felt safe enough to say.“
“The point is, there is no place for truth or rightness in relational dynamics. Relational dynamics produce emotions, and emotions aren’t a question of right or wrong, they are a question of understanding and meaning. They stand in for a story.”
“The fundamental idea here is that we don’t need to rely on our partners to be the ones initiating change. Waiting for them to take the lead will often lead to a reenactment of the powerlessness we experienced in childhood. Instead, we can actively transform our relationships by first making changes within ourselves.”
March 15, 2025
All my heart /5 stars
It’s been years since the last time wrote an emotional review on a romance novel. Even though it’s a self help or psychology book, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so touched by Todd’s words, somewhat feeling connected with his story. I read this book at the stage where I just ended an “almost” relationship.
It wasn’t that long and we weren’t officially make it together. However, to me it meant as much as any romantic relationships. I love Love. I want to love and want to be loved. As Todd pointed out, I wasn’t in a relationship for many years. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be in a relationship or I needed/ wanted no one. As often as I said that I enjoyed my solitude and my single life was too beautiful. The truth was that I had fears of being hurt, being let down, and being disappointed again. I avoided talking or getting into an intimate relationship. Every time I love, I love fiercely and sincerely regardless of doubt and fears. I always gave my full efforts.
I’m still sad and hurt. It is so hard some days and the pains seems unbearable. I miss him. I loved who I was when I was with him. I loved how carefree, joyful, and safe he made me feel. I loved our childlike, silliness, the compatible weirdness we collided. Only if, but only if he could be able to have deep conversations, only if we could have connected in an emotional level. It felt so great, but also fragile that we only kept things on the surface. And I wasn’t sure when the waves would come and swallow everything within it.
It’s been years since the last time wrote an emotional review on a romance novel. Even though it’s a self help or psychology book, it brought tears to my eyes. I felt so touched by Todd’s words, somewhat feeling connected with his story. I read this book at the stage where I just ended an “almost” relationship.
It wasn’t that long and we weren’t officially make it together. However, to me it meant as much as any romantic relationships. I love Love. I want to love and want to be loved. As Todd pointed out, I wasn’t in a relationship for many years. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be in a relationship or I needed/ wanted no one. As often as I said that I enjoyed my solitude and my single life was too beautiful. The truth was that I had fears of being hurt, being let down, and being disappointed again. I avoided talking or getting into an intimate relationship. Every time I love, I love fiercely and sincerely regardless of doubt and fears. I always gave my full efforts.
I’m still sad and hurt. It is so hard some days and the pains seems unbearable. I miss him. I loved who I was when I was with him. I loved how carefree, joyful, and safe he made me feel. I loved our childlike, silliness, the compatible weirdness we collided. Only if, but only if he could be able to have deep conversations, only if we could have connected in an emotional level. It felt so great, but also fragile that we only kept things on the surface. And I wasn’t sure when the waves would come and swallow everything within it.
September 8, 2025
I haven’t read an all around fulfilling book in a while and I am glad I picked this up. I can say that this is by far the most effective book about love and relationships as well as navigating through emotions and life. The way the author successfully articulate every aspect of love and emotional connection that entails, as well as conveying the fundamental truth through tough yet comforting sentences left a deep impression in me.
The book covers a wide range of emotions and topics regarding love, relationships and acceptance. It explores the topic of trauma, sex, expectations, self discovery and development through the author’s own experience and/or his clients’ experiences. Other works that the author cited are also highly relevant and made the book even richer.
This book changed the way I perceived myself through my relationship. I learned to be kinder to others and myself, I learned how to manage my expectations and to not impose those to others, most importantly, I learned how inevitably trauma shaped us in a way that might snuck us from behind and this book helped me realized my trauma. And that is a debt I will never be able to repay to the author.
The only thing that I would want to change from this book is how the author continuously, consistently and sometimes unnecessarily repeats his sex life with his ex. Some are sufficiently placed, but most of them give you the same feeling as when you watch Netflix and unnecessary sex scenes come up all the time. But all in all, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone. You will not regret it.
The book covers a wide range of emotions and topics regarding love, relationships and acceptance. It explores the topic of trauma, sex, expectations, self discovery and development through the author’s own experience and/or his clients’ experiences. Other works that the author cited are also highly relevant and made the book even richer.
This book changed the way I perceived myself through my relationship. I learned to be kinder to others and myself, I learned how to manage my expectations and to not impose those to others, most importantly, I learned how inevitably trauma shaped us in a way that might snuck us from behind and this book helped me realized my trauma. And that is a debt I will never be able to repay to the author.
The only thing that I would want to change from this book is how the author continuously, consistently and sometimes unnecessarily repeats his sex life with his ex. Some are sufficiently placed, but most of them give you the same feeling as when you watch Netflix and unnecessary sex scenes come up all the time. But all in all, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone. You will not regret it.
August 4, 2025
Todd is a relationship and sex therapist who blends his professional insights with his personal story of heartbreak. His book, though, crossed a lot of lines for me. While I appreciated that Todd has been there and made mistakes himself, the narrative felt like it was way too much of his own autobiography and not enough actual advice for others, and I was really uncomfortable with how many problems with his ex he shared in depth, not too mention numerous discussions of their sex life. (Was his ex consulted before this book was published?) He also talked a lot about his personal therapist since he was a child, and the close personal relationship they have, and that also felt like it was well beyond the professional boundaries of a therapist. It was helpful to be reminded that we all make mistakes and do crazy things in relationships at times, but it felt like Todd still hadn't learned his lesson of what's okay and what's not. Furthermore, while the title makes it seem like it's going to be about how to be IN a relationship and not lose your mind, the actual content was a lot more about how to get through a breakup. I think this would be better suited for someone in their early 20s who hasn't previously read any relationship books; otherwise, stick to the classics (Gottman, etc).
October 30, 2025
self help, relationships
I'll be honest, I didn't love this one. I kinda felt like this was almost like reading the author's blog posts. It was super casual and incredible self focused and there's a lot about sex (I'm not a prude by any means but it just didn't seem necessary? At times it was almost like bragging? And the timing of his sexual inserts just seemed weird). If I was his ex, Alex, I would feel super uncomfortable about how much I was talked about in this book.
There's some good points about how it's not always the other person's fault, you have stuff you need to work on too, etc etc but it's nothing that hasn't been said before and it's all buried under the stories Baratz tells you about his own personal relationships - either with his family or with Alex. Even what he mentions about his own therapist seems a little gray area, but it helped him get to a better life so I guess it's fine just almost uncomfortable to read?
If you want something that reads like a memoir/ you are talking to your self centered friend about a break up - then this is for you! If you want something more self-help/professional that is a bit more direct on how to be better in relationships, I'd skip this.
I'll be honest, I didn't love this one. I kinda felt like this was almost like reading the author's blog posts. It was super casual and incredible self focused and there's a lot about sex (I'm not a prude by any means but it just didn't seem necessary? At times it was almost like bragging? And the timing of his sexual inserts just seemed weird). If I was his ex, Alex, I would feel super uncomfortable about how much I was talked about in this book.
There's some good points about how it's not always the other person's fault, you have stuff you need to work on too, etc etc but it's nothing that hasn't been said before and it's all buried under the stories Baratz tells you about his own personal relationships - either with his family or with Alex. Even what he mentions about his own therapist seems a little gray area, but it helped him get to a better life so I guess it's fine just almost uncomfortable to read?
If you want something that reads like a memoir/ you are talking to your self centered friend about a break up - then this is for you! If you want something more self-help/professional that is a bit more direct on how to be better in relationships, I'd skip this.
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